I can't tell you how many times that I say to my husband, "I am soo deleting my blog!" He just chuckles and says, "again?"
Have you ever had that dream where you are walking around a clothed world and you are completely naked. The dream consists of you first figuring out you are naked... and then follows the anxious attempt to cover up you nakedness. Well, often after posting I feel... naked. In my attempt to write from the heart and write honestly--- I sometimes share things on this blog that embarrass me. After posting sometimes I have this sick feeling, something akin to, "Okay, I am seriously walking around here in my undies!"
So, why do I keep writing? In part, I have found that writing helps me learn. When I write it, it seems to solidify lessons of the heart. With the act of writing, lessons seem to settle in my soul in a significant way. And, writing seems to be bubbling up within me. I just can't seem to help myself! I wake up in the morning with blog ideas. So, I guess, in part I write for me. "I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write" ~St. Augustine
I also keep writing because some of my most favorites people in the world read this blog. The people that I deeply love (and miss because I live far away) are reading. These friends with whom I would sit down and easily share my heart with are reading here. This helps me to feel known by these dear ones--- connected to them in some strange way.
Yesterday, when I was processing this "blogging" conundrum I found myself in, I read this quote: "I have found that the very feeling which has seemed to me most private, most personal and hence most incomprehensible by others, has turned out to be an expression for which there is a resonance in many other people. It has led me to believe that what is most personal and unique in each of us is probably the very element which would, if it were shared or expressed, speak most deeply to others."
And so, lastly, this is why I keep writing. I wonder if the act of just sharing a real and genuine journey (or as real as can be shared on a computer screen) might deeply touch others. I write because I want anyone who might read my blog to know that all travelers along this journey toward our Heavenly Father are fallen, flawed and unwhole. I want them to know that I am far from perfect and to see, understand, that I live each day--- each day--- in desperate need of my Savior, my love, my friend, by brother---Jesus. I want readers to hear about my life--in it's entirety--- sins and falls, victories and joys. I want them to see God: His unfailing love, His compassion and His faithfulness.
So, I won't be deleting my blog--- well, at least not today. I am not sure, though, after I post this next "idea" which has been floating around in my head. I am about ready to strip down to my skivvies again!