I long to grow in my hunger and thirst for God alone.
For a few days now, I have been contemplating a fast from food. A long fast. Well, I should clarify... a long fast for me.
I have never been particularly good at fasting. Why? ...lots of reasons, I suppose. I like food. That is a major reason! I can be affected by a drop in blood sugar. I get headaches. I get cranky. I feel ill when I fast. I get REALLY hungry when I skip a meal. I can get all mixed up inside and the attacks from the enemy, and my flesh, can be intense during a fast. (even short fasts!) And, did I mention, I really like food.
Yesterday the thought occurred to me. What about a longer fast of some sort... a real fast. ...maybe just liquid?
This morning I reexamined the thought and reopened the topic with the Lord. I have been talking to Him about it all day. At church, all I heard in the worship songs were words that reflected the idea, "hunger for righteousness" and "longing for you alone". All I heard in the sermon were ideas that reflected the fasting-thought. "I am the bread of life". As I headed home from church, my stomach growled... I was really hungry! (and I had had breakfast!!) As I ate lunch with my family, I couldn't help talking with the Lord about the fact that I really like food! Our chips and salsa were so good today!
So, the dialogue has continued. Do I fast, Lord? Is this from You? Is this something you want from me, something that would be good for my soul, something that might actually draw me closer to You?
This afternoon, I asked the Lord why it was that I didn't want to fast. What was it that kept me from it exactly? The answer was immediate. I am afraid to fast. ...Fear
I am afraid that I will be cranky, sick, and miserable.
I am afraid I will miss out on great food and "the party" that is my family's meals together.
But, as I dig deeper the fears are bigger and well... deeper.
I am afraid that I will fail. I am afraid I will not finish the fast.
I am afraid that my heart and motivation will be, or is, twisted and wrong. Will the focus change. Will I fall into old patterns of vanity and desire for weight loss? What a mess that would be in my heart! Will I fall into self righteousness and self congratulatory thoughts? Pride would steal from any fast! What a mess that would be in my heart!?
I am afraid that the fast won't be "successful". I am hungry for God. But, I want to be more hungry for Him. I desire in my heart more love for God, more hunger for His righteousness, more thirst for Him alone... more of Him. What if I don't get that? What if it is all in vain? Am I am afraid that He won't show up and I won't be different after the fast?
So, I am contemplating a fast. Lead me forward Lord!