This wrestle with pain has been a life long journey for me; a path, so it seems, that my Father intends me to continue to trudge.
The actual pain isn't horrible in-and-of-it-self. Certainly the pain isn't as bad as it has been in the past. But when it comes, it can bring with it a heavy, dusky emotional load. It can shadow my heart with worry and fear.
The "what ifs" shadow can invade and surround me---blocking out bright light. What if it gets really bad again? What if it is something new, something worse?
This morning, the "what ifs" crashed around my heart and pushed into the corners of my mind, taking a light-filled mood and bearing down with darkness. I felt cranky and irratible. ...Frustrated and anxious. One harsh snap of my mouth toward my son as we left the house made me aware--- a quick slap awake, ...somethings is not right in my heart.
On the ride to the church, I simply put my head back, closed my eyes and brought my heart to the Lord.
I am worried, Lord. What if it gets worse?
I want this pain to end, Father, and it isn't over...
I am tired of this, Lord! I am afraid.
As these thoughts tumbled out of my heart in prayer, the song from the radio spoke something very different to my soul.
"His love is amazing. Steady and unchanging. His love is a mountain firm beneath my feet. His love is surprising. I can feel it rising. His love is surrounding. His love carries me."
His love surrounds and carries.
His love...my heart began to sing along with the music. Slowly and steadily, the raging worries ceased to pound my mind. The "what-ifs" silenced and my heart was lifted. Light entered my mind and I sat and listened. And quietly, I began to sing along, "His love is amazing!"
Your love O Lord, reaches to the heavens. Your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
My gentle Father calmed my soul and quieted my mood. Like a big, gentle hug, He wrapped His calming love around me. Oh! How He loves me...
There was a moment of peace and then He spoke His Truth into this peace. A loving hug was followed by a firm face-to-face truth-moment for my mind. As if to grab my face with tender, strong hands and looking into my eyes, His Spirit spoke deep into my soul...
My well loved daughter--- Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things. Set your heart on things above where Christ is seated at my right hand.
Trust me for today. And, do not worry about tomorrow, Stephanie....
Oh! How He loves me...