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I do. You?
And, maybe in the same way, I think I have gotten used to drama and chaos in my soul. I've gotten comfy in my insecurities and snugly in my habits of relating badly. Have you?
In contrast, these last few months, I have sensed an increasing peace and quietness that is filling my heart. I feel relaxed. For anyone that knows me well... that is a huge statement. I feel relaxed.
I feel more deeply relaxed than I think I have ever felt before. A soul-relaxing is happening within me and I believe it is a miracle of the Spirit of God. Years of praying for trust and faith to build... and a profound rest seems to pervade my soul.
Not that I don't have worried and fearful moments. Not that I am without anger or sadness or frustration. Of course not! No, these are still with me. Absolutely.
But, honestly, they seem to be situated or even "floating" on top of a firmer foundation- a foundation of rest and joy that God has been building in my life.
Interestingly, though, as I sit to ponder... I am aware of a new discomfort in my soul. I realize that, if I am honest, I am a bit uneasy with this quiet, peaceful state of mind and heart. It is as if the feeling of peace is bringing dis-quiet and discomfort. It doesn't feel "right" or "natural".
Peace feels suspect. I question it. I'm skeptical. Should I feel this calm? What am I missing? Is something around the corner? ...Am I just in denial?
I wonder and question and then I worry... And, with the worry comes strange relief... Ah! now, I feel "normal" and comfy again! A bit crazy, I know!
I think I have gotten far to used to chaos and commotion in my soul.
Why would peace and joy be suspect and anxiety, guilt or irritability feel "comfortable"? Or, just known?
I suppose that "wearing" these worries and sins and fears all my life has made them snugly and comfy to my soul... like stinky, wretched old slippers. Do I actually miss the stirring and straining?
I think it is high time to throw out these noxious old slippers and settle into the new ones God has provided. This is the gift He gives me--- a gift He gives all His kids. With salvation, He gives us a new normal. Rest. Peace. Freedom. Joy. All these things are mine to wear... every day.
Which will I put on today?