But, today, I awoke with a sadness that was almost oppressive. Sadness seemed to hang around my neck as I rose from bed. It pulled me down and filled my chest as I sipped my coffee. Grief sat in my throat as I ate and weighed heavy as I walked to church. As worship began, the tears hung heavy in my eyes... slow, big, fat, hot tears.
Heavy, dark sadness.
I was sad... deeply saddened by the state of my heart.
Simply put, in my life, there is a certain way of thinking and seeing that is just wrong. Profoundly wrong. I know it is wrong; and yet, I still think the crooked thoughts and see with these darkened eyes. There seems to be nothing I can do to change it. Years, my heart cries. Years and years I have seen this way and battled against it. Years, Lord! I cry out...longing for this to be changed.
I even know why I might naturally think this way... I am aware. I know the history--- I understand the where it came from. God has shown me. And, that has helped. Awareness is definitely good.
But, still. Still, I can't shift it. I can't seem to change or fix the pattern. My friend refers to these places as tectonic plates in our souls. I seriously need an big 'ol 8.0 to shake these set ways of seeing. Where can I go and what can I do?
It was one moment in time...
One swift moment. This morning, in the midst of this heavy grief over my sin...
One young man reading one well-known passage in Scripture.
A phrase. A line from the text. The Word jumped out of his teenage mouth into my dark heart and there was instantaneous light. I felt it. One beautiful moment... Truth and light.
I quickly found the passage to read it again. I couldn't take my eyes off it! I read and read. As I read the Word, I could literally feel the surge of hope. I could feel the light swelling and pushing out the sadness.
"Every valley shall be raised up. Every hill made low. The rough ground shall become level and the rugged places a plain." (Isaiah 40:4)Rugged and rough places. Dark valleys...
In my minds eye I could see the rough and rugged reality of my soul--- these wrong ways of thinking and the dark valleys where my eyes could not see rightly.
My soul. Rough. Rugged. Thorny and full of stones.
As if I could hear the Spirit of the Lord this morning saying over me, "Make a straight path for our God!" (Isaiah 40:3) He commands it. The Lord wills it. Over me, He speaks... I will make it level!
In me. In and over these rough places. In me... a straight path. Level ground. A green plain. A straight pathway for the glory of the Lord.
This is the gospel. This is what Jesus has done for me. This is what Jesus is doing in me... The now and the 'not yet'. He has shifted. He will shift. And, He continues to shift the rocks and make way for His way in and through me. I have seen it. I will continue to see it.
Light shone into my darkness this morning. This morning, I, once again, saw a great light. The darkness will not overcome it. He is making all things new. This will shift. This will change.
There are days when it all feels very heavy. Yes.
Today, I will wait. I will hope and I will watch for the Lord. With joy, now, hovering over my head and light filling out the spaces of my heart---I wait.
My advent.
"And then, imperceptibly, it was death and winter that yielded, and life and spring stood at the door and beckoned." ~ Elizabeth Goudge, Towers in the Midst