On a side note, that is a definition of 'fun' I once heard. "Fun is when you are doing something and loose track of time". According to this definition, I never have fun and my husband is absolutely always having fun!! Which may or may not be true.
Joking aside, I am indeed having fun! But, I can honestly say that this fun has had it's challenges and the enjoyment is often under siege. Let me explain.
I don't think I am alone when it comes to a perfectionistic tendency. I know that the critical voices, and the judgmental reality and struggle, come alongside any type of creativity. I have yet to meet one author, one visual artist, dancer, singer, or musician that hasn't had their own battle. The fierce fight with thoughts of all sorts...'didn't hit that note','missed that step', 'could be a bit more profound', 'doesn't look quite right'... Judgment seems pretty constant when trying to create.
These negative voices have been loud and intense at times. Just to be clear, by and large, the 'voices' I am talking about are almost always and exclusively in my head. ...the inner critic, some call it. The imagined judgment. Or, the very real criticism that Stephanie has of Stephanie's work. She can be really, really mean.
The other day I tore up, ripped in half, a piece of art I had been working on for a week. I was fed up with the painting and threw it away. When I told my son, he said (with this tongue firmly in his cheek) "Mom, are you going to cut off your ear any time soon?" (think: Van Gogh) No, son... I am not! I laughed at his words and appreciated his reference. But, here's the deal. Creativity can be really hard. Why am I so mean to myself?
It wasn't long ago--- even a few years ago---that I was in adamant, verbal denial of my creative abilities, at all. "I am not a creative person", I would say to my husband. He disagreed just as adamantly as I denied the fact. I finally understand that every human being, being created in the likeness of our Father, is 'creative' by nature. We create all the time, just as He creates all the time. Call it cooking, baking, email, organization... Call it what you like, we---as beings---create. We are made to create beautiful, wonderful, and new things every single day.
Anyway, so... yes, I am creative. So are you. But, unlike God--- I create imperfectly. And, there lies the rub. I have been wrestling within this battle, indeed, as I paint, or write, or speak... sometime even when I cook!
Is my Father judging my picture? Is He pointing out the flaws in the brush strokes or angle? No! By no means! We, ourselves, are better parents than that, right? What do we do when our children bring us their art work? We oooo and we ahhh and we enjoy the beauty they create--- pasting it to our refrigerators and posting it to our walls!
Why? Why are we so mean to ourselves? I know I am not alone.
Yesterday another friend voiced her creative struggle. With deep frustration she blurted out, "But... I keep thinking... what is the point? Why am I even doing this? What does it produce?"
She vocalized a second problem and battlefield within creativity: pragmatism.
Second to perfectionism is the issue of pragmatism. Ah... the modern idea that everything has to be useful or practical. And, if I am anything, I am practical--- practical to a fault.
My watercolor paintings have very little (if any) use. Okay, yes,... to ease this discomfort, I have made a few birthday cards. That's practical! But, really, I now own a pile---ever deepening pile--- of 'useless' paintings. Sunsets, buildings, landscapes, flowers. Why? For what purpose?
Oh the battle rages!
Immediately when she said those words in frustration, I understood. I deeply understood. But, on the heels of the understanding was---literally--- a picture of a bright flower in a field of wild flowers, followed by the image of a giraffe. A flower and a giraffe. That's what came to mind. Flower... bright and beautiful. Here today and gone tomorrow. Why? What purpose is that splash of color? And, a giraffe... why? So creative and so weird and ...fun and bold and bright. Beautiful. Why?
So, as the creation battle continues to rage, I will press in and lean into the fun. I will make color on page... I tell myself. I am creative, just like my God. He splashes color on a page every single day. So can I.
I will paint the weird, fun, bold and bright. And, like a child... I can do this for no "purpose" and my Father can enjoy it, in all it's imperfection.
As a beluga whale was made to swim. I was made to create. So, create I must! And, maybe, just maybe I will have fun and loose track of time.