Just simply wrong.
I feel grieved by this, of course. As I look at myself I see with sober judgment the ways that I fall short.
I woke up last week angry with myself. The accusations--- much of it accurate, in truth--- were heavy and strong. It is hard to put words to the feelings raging in the night. Rage, I guess, is a good word.
Feeling this anger, I decided to remain curious about it. (It is good when the counsel I give to others comes back to me. ...'doctor heal thyself, comes to mind!')
Prayerfully, I asked the Lord what was under the anger. Using the good-ol tool, the Anger Iceberg, I ask the Lord to show me what was underneath my anger toward myself. I have used this tool many times in my anger toward others. But, this was the first time I had used it with myself. It was SO helpful.
The list was long! Words like frustration, disappointment, disgust were right there. As were embarrassed, guilt, and exhausted. But, so were fear and worry...
As I sat with these words and saw what was underneath--- I could feel the intense anger subsiding.
I prayed through each word and stayed curious about each feeling as the "data point" that it is.... (feelings are simply data points for what is going on in our souls).
I told the Lord that, honestly, the anger felt powerful. ...helpful, even. ...productive. If I am angry at myself, then I will not think or do these things. Right?! Oh! that 'parenting by shame and anger' that always backfires!
I heard a still small voice in response to this honesty... Stephanie, love is more powerful.
Love is more powerful!
After the feelings of anger were quieted... and I could deal with the real substance underneath. I asked God if He shared any of these feelings towards me. Each word--- one by one. ...that was a very revealing prayer conversation.
He brought to mind many scriptures... many thoughts and I continue to pray for His thoughts over me. He reminded me of His Hesed love --- unfailing and unconditional. Powerful love. Love that brings healing and repentance and grace. He reminded me of His wisdom, He knows the beginning from the end--- His continued work in my life to bring me to completion (an 'in process' reality).
And, then, He reminded me of Exodus 23:29,30.... where He tells the Israelites that He is giving the land to them 'little by little'.
I will not drive [the enemies] out before you in a single year; otherwise the land would become desolate and wild animals would multiply against you. Little by little I will drive them out ahead of you, until you become fruitful and possess the land.
In His wisdom, He knew that His people were not ready to take the whole land--- He knew that they were only 'big enough' to take possession of the land in parts. This verse was like a balm to my soul.
These 'enemies'--- my wrong thinking, my struggles, my frustrations, my imperfections, my sin--- are being driven from 'my land' little by little. In the Lord's kindness and love, He knows just how much of my 'land' (my very self... my soul) I can possess. I am just not quite big enough in Him, in His love, in His power to have conquered it all yet! Every day, I am growing... but... I am just not there yet.
My prayer at that point shifted dramatically... thanking Him for the ground and lands we have won! Thanking Him for the years and years of victory in my life. Asking Him for more ground--- more soul-land--- that would be His!! May He make me fat with Him... big, grand, fruitful, and able to 'possess' in His name and by His Spirit the whole of myself.
In Genesis and in Exodus, God promised that the land was theirs--- Already theirs--- by His powerful hand and covenant. The land was theirs and yet, still needed 'taking'. God Almighty is on-the-job of possessing all the land-o-Stephanie. At the cross, Jesus has conquered this land and I am His. Conquered and 'His'... and currently being conquered. May He have His way!
Yes, Lord, there are still so many things in my life that are wrong. Little by little, Lord, destroy these ways of thinking, these attitudes and actions! I want to be wholly Yours--- fully alive and fully free in You.
