Heart pounding, heavy laden and a hot mess... I made my way down to my 'quiet time' space in the early morning hours. As usual, I started my time by opening and playing "Pray as You Go". Barely listening, the cob webs of faces and mouths that needed feeding began to clear away from my mind... The dream waves began to slowly subside. But, still, I began to think about the worries----the 'shoulds' and 'musts' and 'oughts'--- that had been pulling at me the past days. Obviously, this dream was a good picture of the tugging of needs and my inability and struggle to get it all done.
As my mind was tossed about by the litany of concern, I could feel my irritation and frustration mounting. 'Just leave me alone' was the feeling (is there one word for this 'feeling')! I could feel my heart lament and the complaining beginning to rise. Lord, I can't make everyone happy! Father, I can't hold it all or feed them all or make them all right. Maybe like my dear compatriot Elijah, I was basically saying... "I've had enough, Lord. I am all alone here and these expectations just wanna kill me!" (big-time paraphrase from 1 Kings 19)
Psalms of complaint and lament were welling up in my heart and waves were beginning to crash again
...and then... in the background, the lovely voice on the Pray as You Go (oh! yeah... it had been playing the whole time while I ignored it) says, "If there is something that is a concern or a weight, maybe you want to ask the Holy Spirit to give you a different perspective".
A different perspective.
Stephanie, can you ask Me for My perspective?
Yes, Lord, I want Your perspective... Please show me what is true and how to see this differently.
Instantly, as I prayed, I could feel a slight shift. One bite of manna and I was fed. He answered and I was seeing just a bit differently. It was like light shaft opened over my heart and brain and there was more balance and calm. I was able to see the 'shoulds' that had been annoying me in a totally different light. I began to see differently. It was today's miracle!
It was like my boat was thrown off kilter and the Holy Spirit was the ballast that brought me stability and centered me. When I asked, He balanced me. What a gift. (Ballast is material that is used to provide stability to a
boat. Insufficiently ballasted boats
tend to tip or heel excessively in high winds.)
On the heels of seeing a bit more clearly, I had two thoughts...
First, how does anyone live life without the gift of God's Spirit bringing truth to their minds and hearts? What a gift, Lord!
And, then the second thought, ...oh! oh, man! I live my life all the time without the gift of God's Spirit bringing truth! How often do I bounce around my day in a hot mess and heavy laden? Lord, I need to do this even more!
Lord, help me to ask You for help more often. Father, help me to abide in Your love, Your Presence and the gift of Your truth. Spirit of God, thank you that you long to 'right me' and be my ballast. I want to ask You more. Teach me to pray!
He offers us Himself as our ballast. He offers Himself as my moment-by-moment answer to any whirlwind or hot mess I find myself in---awake or asleep.