Worry, control, manipulation, scheduling, researching, and "making it work" have all come very natural to me. Fear, anxiety and stress follow all of these and have nipped at my heels throughout my life. But, I have wanted to live a different way. I have so very much wanted to live a different way!
I have believed, and so clearly have seen in Scripture, that there is another way. A simpler way. A happier way. ...but, not necessarily an easier way!!
Trust. Trusting each day to God and knowing His love as foundational to every decision, every circumstance and each moment... well, like I said, we walk the journey together and it is hard. He nudges me along with sweet whispers of hope and joy. This trust road... It isn't an easy road. But, it is a good one and one with a fabulous destination!
I have written a lot in the last year about pain and suffering. I have written much about my physical pain and my emotional scars. My Father in Heaven and I have had many, many discussions about these issues. Recently He has done a work in my heart that is most certainly Divine. The change I feel and see in my heart is most definitely His work!
A few months ago, I believed that God wanted me to ask Him to heal me. This took courage and boldness, a new stepping out in faith and trust. And, I asked Him. And, so did many of you... thank you. We asked Him together for healing and I believe that He birthed something new in me when I was willing to ask, and to believe Him.
As I asked, I began to sense a change in the direction the Spirit was leading. Not entirely a ... "I will heal you" as much as a..."I am healing you". A moving verb was being whispered into my heart. This was significant. As I asked for His healing, it seemed to become apparent that healing was multi-faceted. He was indeed healing me... in more than one way! And, in His own time.
I essentially stopped worrying about the pain. Really and truly. I didn't feel agitated by it emotionally (even-while struggling with it physically). I felt free from fret, or fear, or worry. It was as if together we walked the journey of pain. I didn't have to worry any more about the "What ifs?". When I felt pain, I felt that I was not asking, "What am I to do, Lord?"... But, "what are WE to do? ...or more accurately, "what will You do, Lord?"
It became quickly clear that He wasn't healing me instantly from pain or problem, but instead He was healing my heart. Deep within He was doing a work. He has been building trust in ways that are new and exciting. A flood gate of trusting began, and continue as I walk today.
Sermons and songs. Creation and books. Blogs and Prayers all seemed to point to the fact that "I have it covered, Stephanie. I will sort it out. I am healing you. I am your keeper, Your Good Shepherd".
Today, I had a doctor's appointment that felt miraculous. The doctor was kind and "got it". He had a fabulous suggestion and plan to proceed. He even asked me what I wanted! And, it even seems... can I be so bold to say THANK YOU, Lord already... that the finances of it will be more straight forward than we had anticipated. Almost too easy, really. ...seems a God-thing. A, "I will sort it, Stephanie" moment.
Tonight, I don't feel the uncontrollable need to grab it, grasp it, or hope on it. The temptation is there, yes. But, I don't feel driven to plan it and make it happen. I feel trust welling up and ...whether it works or not... it is well with my soul. And, this, THIS is only from our Father. It is nothing short of divine hope, faith and trust. For this I am deeply thankful.
Tonight, I am done with worry! I am done with "playing god"... and I want to walk more in this trust--- this much better way!
Father, we have wrestled. I have cried and lamented. You have heard all of it and loved me faithfully. I have asked and been disappointed. I have hoped in things that were other than You. I choose tonight to trust in You alone. I choose to say I will wear this pain and this suffering as long as You want me to... and then when You want to release me from it, I will take that as a gift of grace. Your way. Your timing. Your plan. Teach me Father to walk in this to the glory of Your name. For You are good, gentle, loving Father and I trust You.