Daily I long for His filling. Each and every day I need His sustenance. I need Him to feed me.
How often do I run to other things to quench my thirst? How often do I substitute shallow things, stupid things, empty things for the Only deep thing that will fill?
Last night, I attempted to fill that place with food. Food, of all things! The shallowness of food and the temporary nature of this "quencher"! I am embarrassed to write of it. I am embarrassed and grieved to testify to the gluttony that still plagues my mind, my soul and my body. Who will rescue me from this body of death! (Romans 7:24)
This past week I had noticed an increase in my lust for food. ...eating more at dinner than I needed. Just a little snack here, a little "this" there. I notice my "thinking" of Non-Verbal-Thoughts like, "man, this is good... It can't hurt to finish it off, even though I am not hungry for it!". ...or, "I deserve this break, this rest, this little 'something'".
And, sometimes this behavior comes with absolutely no real conscious thought... I just eat because it tastes good! My lust for flavor and food can drive me to eat without much thought at all. ...until, of course...
Well, until I realize I am doing it. ...I do know the good feeling of conviction. I do know the opportunity given by the Holy Spirit to flee.
I rebelled against the Spirit's nudges again and again this week. Each time, thinking... "it isn't really that big of deal." ...or,"this isn't good, I won't do it again!".
But I do do it again. And, I did over and over again this week. Small rebellions (if they can ever be small) at first and then a plunge right down into it at the end of the week. Why?
Patterns learned long ago. Feeling sad... eat. Feeling lonely... eat. Feeling happy ...eat. Feeling tired ...eat. Patterns.
...Hungers that are not even close to physical hungers, to be sure!
But, these patterns learned have been in the process of being broken and healed by the Lord Jesus. I have truly known freedom. I know what it means to take those feelings, those longings, those cravings and have them quenched by the River of Life. I know what it is like to listen to the kind nudges of the Spirit and to walk in the freedom the Son gives me.
So, today, I have another "Lent" lesson in my living room. My heart much acknowledges... and it does with deep grief ... that my gluttony, my lust and my rebellion were at least three of those stripes on His tender back. My Jesus took that blow for me.
When I have failed like this, my natural instinct is to punish myself. Or, to give up and dive in deeper to sin. Or, to make rules and regulations to "keep myself in check". But, not today. Today I take my heavy guilt filled heart and hand it to Jesus. I acknowledge what He did for me on that horrid cross. And, I must, I just MUST, take that cleansing freedom, forgiveness, healing and mercy He offers.
Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God--- through Jesus Christ our Lord! (Romans 7).
He is the Only One that will ever quench my God-sized hunger and thirst. So, I will drink from Him today and eat of His body. I will remember what He has done for me and proclaim His death until He returns. For He is the Only One who satisfies.