"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Heavy Sin Instructs

The heaviness of my sin weighs on me today.

As I laid in bed last night and thought through the day... my judgemental thoughts, my selfish ways, my pride. I pondered, as well, the words spoken that hurt my son. And, I grimaced ... literally blushed in embarrassment at my own sin ... as I thought about my gluttonous rampage through the bag of pretzels. Was I just trying to comfort my tired mind and body? Oh! those tired-temptations! It would be wise to ask for His special help in those moments. If I would only learn!

I laid in bed and watched, like a movie, the sin that filled my day.

"I will bless the Lord who guides me; even at night, my heart instructs me." Psalm 16:7

The heaviness of my sin weighed last night. It instructed me. He guided me on my bed last night. And, it was painful.

Yesterday working through a study for Lent, I read about the cross. The study asked me to contemplate the cross and ponder the difficulty. I was to think on what Jesus might have experienced. Yesterday as I prayed, I was drawn to think on His loneliness. What isolation He might have felt? ... I wondered and prayed.

Today, with a heavy heart, I remained in "Day 1" Lent lesson... it wasn't time yet to move on. I knew I needed to contemplate the cross again. The question still lingered. There was more to remember. ...more to wonder about.

Today, I thought of my sin. I thought of my sin yesterday and my sins of the past. And, I thought about the sin of the world resting on my Brother's soul... my Jesus' body, His mind, His very-self carrying those sins. With tears, it wasn't hard to imagine my Savior wincing and saying, "My soul is overwhelmed to the point of death!".

And, I wondered if the carrying of sins alone would have killed him without the cross. Would that grief broken his heart and brought death without the nails?

Tears came this morning. Replacing yesterday's dry eyes, I contemplate and cried. My heart was wounded this morning. I wept and deeply repented. I feel the grief even now as I write.

And, maybe this is what Lent really is all about. Maybe I finally "get it" or maybe I am getting closer to getting it. I don't know.

There are times in life when you keenly, not just intellectually, but keenly become aware of that you know VERY little. This is one of those moments. I know very little about what Jesus did for me that day. I know very little about that grace... that amazing grace that saved this wretch. I know very little about His new, daily, fresh mercy. Today, I realize how little I know.

And, I also am aware of how desperately I want to know more. I want to know Him more, ... His suffering, His forgiveness, His grace, His love and His mercy.

The concept that I don't have to walk weighed down, is a sweet-sweet thought today. I can carry His yoke and His burden is light. He has taken this heaviness. He bore this sin, ...this darkness that lingers in my not-yet-fully-sanctified heart. This sweet grace is good new for me today.

Did I just become a Christian today? Was I just now saved? ...does it ever feel that way to you?So fresh, so new, so beyond what you "knew" yesterday. Today IS the day of salvation. Thank you, my Friend. Thank you, my Brother! Thank you, dear Jesus.
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