I know, to some personalities, this sounds absurd... "We all make mistakes", you might say. All the time everyone makes mistakes, right? But, for me, even the smallest of mistakes can bring a shame storm of hurricane proportions which ravages my soul.
Other personalities have other kryptonite... for some its vulnerability or powerlessness. For others, their weak spot is being misunderstood, or a broken relationship, or conflict. My kryptonite is doing it wrong.
Like Superman, the moment I become aware of my misstep, my soul begins to writhe in pain and I struggle for strength or breath. Like a green death rock, the mistake is chained around my neck and I can hardly think straight. I know this sounds overly dramatic. ...but, it really isn't. Do you know that feeling of shame? The hot pouring shame that makes you shake inside and out... call it embarrassment, call it guilt, call it anger (it looks so many shades of green). Shame seems to take over, ransacking the limbic system of our brain and shutting down the prefrontal cortex that helps us to think rightly!
Whatever your kryptonite is... whatever triggers the shame for you, we all know that hot, breathless place where we either want to fight, freeze or fly away. In the midst, you just want to disappear... "crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head... go to sleep and never wake up" (exactly how I used to describe it as a teenager).
Well, yes... I do make mistakes all the time... just like everyone else! And recently, to add insult to injury, I have been making a lot of mistakes. I mean, a lot. From small, "nothing" mistakes... to pretty big, significant mistakes... I have been tripping over my own two feet for a few weeks now.
The last mistake was five keys off the right note--- singing in front of a group of people at our town's Open Mic night (another effort in my life to be brave and have fun). We had planned the song in one key... but, printed the song sheets in a totally (5 key different!) key. Hmmm... Yeah, it didn't go so well, as you can imagine.
After sitting down, I could feel the hot shame-filled bucket pour over my head. I began to shake. Anger. Tears welling. I wanted to disappear... run away, hide under that table. All I could think was "Never again!!" Never. Never. Again. I won't put myself in this position again. THIS is what brave brings! Never!
The storm lasted in and out through the whole evening, following me into my restless sleeping. Tossing in the night, I would awake and literally put my hands over my face--- hiding from whom exactly?!? Myself. God? Tossing and turning, I would groan.
I do understand that for some of you reading this, you may think it a bit odd... why would the wrong note sung in a song bring such pain? But, weren't we all a bit confused and watched in disbelief when Lex Luthor would chain up Superman with a green rock! What? Come on, Superman, it's just a glowing green rock!
Remember, mistakes are my kryptonite.
In the midst of it all, and through the whole night, here and there I also became aware of a still, very small voice that whispered an invitation. I remember barely hearing its faint words... and almost completely ignoring it... just as I sat down. After the song finished and I sat---right as the bucket of shame splashed around me at the table when I sat down, I heard it. It was so quiet. Almost in the distance...
A still small whisper... There is another way.
Stephanie, there is another way.
As I have been prayerfully processing my weeks of wrongs and my discomfort, I have been asking Father about this other way. Is it another way to sit in or feel shame? Is it another way to respond entirely to mistakes or doing wrong? What is the other way, Lord?
I am certain the answer isn't that I won't have kryptonite----or any weakness. (Although that would be fabulous!) For, I know, in my weakness, He is strong! So, nope... perfection isn't an option. (Dang it!)
Now, I am asking God to continue to show me the other way of reacting or a new way of seeing Mr. Luthor... What is the other way, Lord, while the kryptonite is being chained around my neck?
Just for fun... have a gander at the clip of old---bring back childhood memories: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkSaAhbceBk
*For those who know the Enneagram tool, I am a One.