Ancient Blogger

....warning... this is a very long blog post....  copy, paste, and print it out?  Get a cuppa and take a load off... and give it some time.....  That said, please do read it.  These are words spoken to us from long ago... and ancient friend to speak truth to our 'now' hearts.  

As humans it is difficult for us to see beyond ourselves...  We are generally, each one of us, self-centered.  Truly.  In psychological terms this can be referred to as the 'spotlight effect'.   

I wonder if this is why God had commanded us and so clearly told us--- so often--- to 'remember' and be aware of our forefathers, our history, and the reality of the community at large (to be aware of others!)  

It is difficult to see beyond ourselves.  It is also difficult for us to see beyond our time.  We know what we know now and find it challenging to reach back and understand the way of thinking, the values, the beliefs and the behaviours of another time.   100 year old philosophy, medicine, science, and even agriculture is hard to grasp for our minds---in fact, it often doesn't match what we know today, at all.  100 year ago thinking often looks silly, sometimes very wrong and definitely very different to our modern minds.  

700 hundred years ago is almost impossible.  Right?  

But,...then we get a glimpse...  just a peek into the hearts and minds of our forefathers and we stand amazed.  What if ... what if, what I believe now...  what if she believed it too?  700 years ago.  And, what if that which is true has always been true and will always remain true, for ever.  

...come age, come season, come nations falling and rising...  what was, is, and is to come remains.  Truth remains and has always been true.  

I have had this sense as I have plunged and journeyed slowly through, a second time, the writings of Julian of Norwich*.  She wrote in the late 1300s... one of the first known females to write in English.  (yes, even before Margery Kempe... who is currently 'known' for being the 'first')  

...so...  instead of recommending you read Julian of Norwich (well, because it is not a small task)... I have gathered my favourite quotes from her Long Text (my Cliff notes for you).  

Her writings remind me of my type of blogs.  Funny, right?  But, Julian is telling of what God has shown her (her 'shewings') and she is constantly sharing God's Word and the Truth that He is whispering into her heart and mind.  She does this in short sections to encourage her readers.  well,...that is what I have attempted to do here on Koodaigirl.  Let's just say that Julian is an ancient blogger---an ancient Gods-girl! 

Her words are so so so good, and so very sweet.  …What God showed her, such a gift to our time.  

Can I suggest you print this out and/or you read a few quotes at a time... take it in slowly?  Sit with the words.  Remember that this was not written in our time, from our vantage point, within our 'value' system, and our culture.  Let our sister's words amaze you.  Enjoy the fact that it feels so familiar.  

As you read, let your mind drift to Scriptures that come to mind, hymns that rise up, and sermons or books you read recently.  She is writing words of truth that have instructed us from the beginning...  Truth is always truth... and it will always stand the test of time.  

"Our Lord Almighty, all wisdom, all love---just as He has truly made everything that is, so He truly does and brings about all that is done."

"We are sustained securely in love, by the goodness of God, in misery as much as in joy."

"God is to us everything that is good, tenderly enfolding us; everything that is made is as nothing, compared with Almighty God; man has no rest until he counts himself and everything as nothing for the love of God."

"God is the maker, the carer, the lover.  Everything has its being through the love of God."

"God wishes to be known and is pleased that we should rest in him." 

"God, of your goodness, give me yourself.  You are enough for me, and I cannot ask for anything less.  If I do ask for anything less, I shall be in want.  In you alone, I have everything."

"Our souls must learn the wisdom of clinging to the goodness of God.  For truly our lover, God, wants our souls to cling to him with all their might."  

"We can contemplate with endless wonder at this high, surpassing, inestimable love that God Almighty has for us in His goodness."

"He has made everything that is made for love and by that same love everything is sustained."

"Continual seeking of God pleases Him very much, the soul moved by the Holy Spirit seeks, suffers, and trusts."

"The blessed Trinity is always completely satisfied with all His works.  He says, 'See I am God, I am in everything.  I do everything.  I never lift my hand from my work, nor ever shall, without end.  I guide everything to the end to which I ordained it.  How shall anything be amiss?'"

"Christ Jesus' passion is the devil's defeat.  Everything that God allows him to do turns into joy for us and to shame and misery for him (the devil)."

"The marvellous melody of endless love keeps us safe in sorrow and in joy.  To choose only Jesus for my heaven in both happiness and sorrow.  Everything seems insignificant to him in comparison to His love."  

"For it is God's will that we take true delight with Him in our salvation.  He wants us to be greatly comforted and strengthened, and through His grace He wishes our souls to be happily occupied in this, for we are His bliss; He delights in us with out end and so shall we in Him, through His grace." 

"Jesus says, 'Look how I loved you!' as if He said, 'Look and see that I loved you so much before I died for you that I was willing to die for you.'

"To bring to His bliss each person He loves, He lays on them something painful which is no defect in His sight on account of which they are rejected.  He does this to prevent damage of pomp and vain glory."  

"Contemplate the glorious atonement, for this atonement is incomparably more pleasing to the blessed Godhead and more glorious to man kind, then Adam's sin ever was harmful."  

"I can make all things well.  I will make all things well.  I shall make all things well; and you will see for yourself that all manner of things shall be well."  

"Everything helpful for us to know and understand, our Lord will most kindly show us, and what it is through the teachings of the Church.  He takes great pleasure in all men and women who strongly, humbly and willingly receive preaching and teaching in the Church."  

"God is always fully satisfied with Himself and with all His works"

"He wants us to love Him, to take delight in Him and to endlessly rejoice in Him."

"Let me be your whole love, my precious child.  Attend to me---I am enough for you.  Rejoice in your Saviour and in your salvation."

"The Lord revealed the completeness of love in which we stand in His sight--yes, that He loves us as much now while we are here as He will do when we are there, before His blessed face.  Our difficulty is because of failure of love on our part."

"It is a supreme act of friendship of our Lord that He looks after us so tenderly while we are in our sins; and furthermore, he touches us so very inwardly and shows us our sin by the sweet light of mercy and grace."

"Pray with all your heart, even if it seems to give you no pleasure, because it is helpful, even though you don't feel it.  Pray with all your heart, even when you feel nothing, though you see nothing.  For in dryness and in barrenness, in sickness and in weakness, then your prayers are most please to God."

"God teaches us to pray and firmly trust we shall have what we pray for; because He regards us with love and wants us to partner in His good work."

"It is proper for us, both through nature and through grace, to long and desire with all our might to know ourselves wand in this full knowledge we shall truly and clearly know our God in fullness of endless joy." 

"Man is changeable in this life and falls into sin through frailty and being overcome. During this time he is in turmoil, sorrow and misery and the cause is his blindness---because He does not see God, for if He saw God truly and continually, He would have no harmful feelings nor any sort of promptings the the cravings that lead to sin."

"The lack in not in God, but it is on our part; for through sin and wretchedness we have in us a wretched and continual resistance to peace and to love."

"Mercy works sweetly through love by grace, mingled with abundant pity because mercy works for our safekeeping.  Love never looks away from us nor does the operation of mercy ever cease."

"Without love we cannot live.  Our life is grounded and rooted in love and without it, we perish."

"We are not blessedly safe and in peace until we have our full contentment with God, His love, His  works, His judgements, with ourselves, and with fellow Christians.  God's goodness does this in us.  God is our true peace."

"While we are in this life, we have a marvellous mixture of both happiness and sorrow.  We have in us our risen Jesus and the misery of Adam's falling." 

"We ought to rejoice greatly that God dwells in our souls and can rejoice much more greatly that our souls dwell in God.  Our soul is made the be the dwelling place of God!"

"Our soul sits in God in true rest and our soul stands in God in sure strength and our soul is rooted in God's endless love." 

"We cannot  come to knowledge of our soul until we first have knowledge of God, our creator to whom it is united. For full understanding, we must long to know our own soul wisely and truly.  Through grace and by the Spirit we shall know them both."

"As truly as God is our father, so truly is God our mother.  Jesus is our true mother, feeding us not with milk but with Himself, opening His side to us and claiming all our love."

"Jesus wants us to have the nature of a child, always hurrying to him in our need."

"We shall know that in spite of our grievous sin, his love for us remains intact, and we were never of any less value in His sight.  Strong and marvellous is that love which cannot, nor will not be broken by our transgressions." 

"He wants us to behave like a child, for when it is upset or frightened it runs quickly to it's mother for help as fast as he can, so Jesus wants us to run saying, 'My gracious mother, Jesus, take pity on me.  I have made myself dirty and unlike you.  I neither can nor may put this right except with Your very own help and grace.'"

"As long as we are mixed up with any aspect of sin, we shall never see clearly the blessed face of our Lord."

"It is for us to have three kinds of knowledge; the first is to know our Lord God, the second and third is to know ourselves--- what we are through Him and His grace and what we are in regards to our sin and weakness."  

"Flee hastily from all that is not good and fall on our Lord's breast like a child on it's mother's bosom.  With our whole heart and mind, knowing our feebleness, knowing God's goodness and love, seeking salvation in Him alone."

"It is God's will that we recognize sin, and pray earnestly and labour willingly and seek humbly for instructions so that we do not fall blindly into it; and if we fall, that we rise quickly, for to turn from God for any length of time through sin is the greatest pain that any soul may have."

"Whether we are unclean or pure, His love for us is the same.  Whether in joy or in sorrow, He never wants us to flee from Him."

"Everything that is contrary to love and peace is from the devil.  The enemy looses many times over from our rising from our falls through God's love and our humility.  Acknowledge your wretchedness, then flee to your Lord.  Let us fly to our Lord and we shall be comforted and made clean."  

"Our Lord in his mercy shows us our sin and weakness by the sweet, gracious light of Himself---the light of His grace and mercy."

"He steadfastly waits for us and with unchanging demeanour, for He wants us to turn to Him and be united to Him in love as He is to us."

"When we have fallen through frailty or blindness, our kind Lord touches us, moves us and calls us; He doesn't want us to remain like this, nor does he want us to be greatly pre-occupied with self-accusation or too full of misery, but instead to swiftly focus our thoughts on Him.  For He waits for us and hastens to have us with Him, for we are His joy and delight.  He is our salve and our life."

Julian ends her book with these words which brought a song to my heart...  

"To those who wish to be His faithful lovers.  These are revelations of the unutterable love of God in Jesus Christ.  Revealed to a dear lover of His and are for all his dear friends and lovers whose hearts like hers do flame in the love our our dearest Jesus."  

*Julian (the name she took at a nun) lived 1343-1416.  Most of her life she lived as an Anchorite attached to a church in Norwich, England.  She lived smack-dab in the midst of the most intense times when the Black Plague hit England.  She certainly knew deep personal and communal suffering.  For those historians who have said that Julian was a 'universalist' or didn't mention hell or sin in her writings... this is simply not true (100% false, in fact).  I have read her works twice.  She mentions all basic concepts of sin, hell, and the distinct need for salvation through God's only Son, Jesus.  Although, I do not agree with every single word she has written... her basic theology and heart of faith matches my faith and orthodox, historical Christianity beautifully.  I am convinced, she is most certainly my sister in Christ and waiting in that great cloud of witnesses, urging us onward!  

Are you Shady?

Learning to garden has been a necessity in this lovely green place I live.  It isn't, in all honesty, something I particularly enjoy; but, it has certainly been a fertile ground for heart lessons from the Lord.  

Living things are complex and growing them... tending them... being a good gardener... is a big and challenging job!  I often think of the Lord and His kind hand as I cut, hack, or 'dead-head' any plant or flower.  My cutting and trimming and hacking is good for plant...  I only do it for it's good.  I want it to grow and flourish and produce more fruit.  Oh! The lessons for the heart here... 

I was reading this morning in Mark 4:30-32.  Jesus is making every effort to teach and communicate the beauty of His kingdom to His hearers.  In this case, He choses to use gardening.  He describes the kingdom of God---the gospel, the 'good, good news', the Spirit Truth---as being like a tiny seed that grows into a hardy and life-giving tree.  This is what we are offered in His kingdom.  Into our smallness, comes a small 'truth' and then life grows.  Abundant growth! We grow.  His truth grows in us and makes us (re-creates in us) something hardy and life giving.  

I was struck afresh today by verse 32, where the Kingdom-plant is described as:  1) a place of rest for birds and 2) a place of shade.  And I had this wonderful thought, "Am I shady?"   Prayerfully, I began asking that God would continue to grow His truth in me and make my branches strong to be a place of rest.  I long to be a place of comfort and shade... for all who would come near.  

Are you shady?  

I was listening to a wonderful podcast session by Curt Thompson (MD) recently. (I do highly recommend his books and his teaching.)  Dr. Thompson explains that, as a psychiatrist, he ---yes indeed---offers people an 'answer' and help to problems.  But, actually, much more importantly, he offers himself.  He offers his presence.  Those coming to him for comfort and shade are coming to be seen, heard, and known.  The greatest gift he can give is to show up, let them sit awhile, rest and be shaded.  Presence...the very things we need from each other and ultimately from God.  

God does this for His people and always has.  In Exodus 3:7, He says is straight out, "I have seen... I have heard... and I am concerned..."  One of His names, in fact, is EL ROI... the God who sees.  

In 1 Peter 3:12, we are told that "God's eye is on us and that He is attentive to our prayers..."  Our God is a loving Father that sees and hears.  He is offering Himself to you today.  

God is shady.  God is hardy.  His presence and His truth is a place of rest and comfort.

And, how wonderful is this!? In His kingdom, with Him, we can be shady and comforting and a place of rest for others.  

I can be shady and hardy.  Oh, Lord, make it so! 

~

Mark 4:30-32 Again he said, “What shall we say the kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it? 31 It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest of all seeds on earth. 32 Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds can perch in its shade.”

I Want to See Like Fred

It really makes a difference what you choose to look for or how you see...  doesn't it?  

I just finished the delightful and poignant film about Fred Rogers' life, A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.   Apart from the fact that I probably watched every episode of this amazing show from age five years old until I was 10, (and, yes, it brought up so so many 'feels' for me) the life and way of Mr. Rogers inspired me.  And, I am using that word very specifically.  To inspire:  spur on, motivate, quicken.  It comes from the two words Latin 'into' and 'breath'.   As I watched the film, I felt God breath into me fresh thoughts and fill me with more of His heart.  

I walked away thinking a lot about perspective.  Mr. Rogers just seemed to see life, time, circumstances, people and the world in a very distinct way.  He saw differently.  Yes, I was inspired.  His wife is quick to point out, so it is told, that Fred was not a perfect person and that his daily Scripture reading and other habits kept him grounded.  

I walked away from this film wanting to see the world like Mr. Rogers.  I want to see like Fred.  

Interestingly, in God's timing, my Scripture reading this morning was in Luke 6:6-11.  In this story, Jesus encounters a man with a withered hand.  He asks the man to stand up in the crowd... displaying to that little corner of the world... to show His love, compassion, healing miracle.  

It says that the Pharisees came into the scene LOOKING for a way to catch him doing wrong.  They were expecting offense.  

It really makes a difference what you choose to look for...  what you expect...  

Jesus heals the shrivelled hand. He heals a bent, broken, withered hand and makes it whole.  He does this right before their eyes...in real time! Incredible stuff, right?!  Stop a moment and imagine what that might have looked like!  What stunned awe you might feel as you watch this happen before your eyes.  I stand amazed with the thought!  

The Pharisees, though, have a very different reaction.  They see as they choose to see... their eyes bent to see him doing 'wrong'.  And, they react with rage.  Rage!  They see what they expected to see, didn't they?  They see offense in his actions.  They respond with disgust, vehemence and their response is not inspiration---but execution.  "The begin to discuss with each other what they might do to Jesus".    

Jesus does good.  They see bad.  Jesus heals and re-creates beauty.  They respond with a desire to destroy him.  

It really matters how we see.  It matters what you look for...  

Fred Rogers, in his 50 years of ministry on television (yes, he was literally ordained and sent to do this work...read about it!) Mr. Rogers saw every person as beautiful, worthy of love, complicated, and worth his full attention.  

Yes, indeed, I want to see like Fred.  

Please do yourself a big favour and take the time to watch this...  The Best of Mr. Rogers

If you'd like to read 45 quotes from this man of God  click here.  

~~~

Luke 6: 6 On another Sabbath he went into the synagogue and was teaching, and a man was there whose right hand was shrivelled. 7 The Pharisees and the teachers of the law were looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, so they watched him closely to see if he would heal on the Sabbath. 8 But Jesus knew what they were thinking and said to the man with the shrivelled hand, “Get up and stand in front of everyone.” So he got up and stood there. 9 Then Jesus said to them, “I ask you, which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to destroy it?” 10 He looked around at them all, and then said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He did so, and his hand was completely restored. 11 But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law were furious and began to discuss with one another what they might do to Jesus.

Jesus Sighs

They bring him to you and beg.  

Heal him, they pant and plea!

To a quiet place you lead him aside and then...  

You sigh--- deep groan--- a heavy sigh.  

Why did you sigh, my Lord?  

Are you as frustrated and sad as I am with this broken world? 

You stand with this man---so near.   

You touch him and draw close.  

Your very spit lingers on his bent and broken tongue.  

You look up to heaven, with a knowing look, you and your Father agree.

This is not as you made us to be.  

Are you as frustrated and sad as I am with this bent world?

With you, the Father sighs and repents as in the days of Noah.  

Together you made ears to hear the bird song. 

With joy you 'all made eyes to see deep colour and the wisp of clouds.

In that quiet place you sigh---a grief and a groan.  

Man of Sorrows, you are well acquainted with grief.  

Yes, you are as frustrated and sad as I am with this bent world!  

With a sigh, and a touch, and a word.  

You whisper to the man--not only to his mouth--- but, to the man!

Be open, you command and his heart receives. 

Ears are now open to hear the singing of the birds. 

His mouth now able to sing along with them in praise to you!

You are ever at work in this sad, frustrating and broken world, Lord.  

I bring myself to you and beg you, Jesus. 

Heal me, I plea!  …with you, I sigh.  

In these quiet places, please touch and draw near. 

Shift in me these bent and broken places.  

Open my ear to hear truth and my mouth to speak light. 

  

"...the tongue of the speechless will sing for joy!" (Isaiah 35:6)

(poem based on Mark 7:31-37) 

Then Jesus left the vicinity of Tyre and went through Sidon, down to the Sea of Galilee and into the region of the Decapolis. There some people brought to him a man who was deaf and could hardly talk, and they begged Jesus to place his hand on him.

After he took him aside, away from the crowd, Jesus put his fingers into the man’s ears. Then he spit and touched the man’s tongue.  He looked up to heaven and with a deep sigh said to him, “Ephphatha!” (which means “Be opened!”). At this, the man’s ears were opened, his tongue was loosened and he began to speak plainly.

Jesus commanded them not to tell anyone. But the more he did so, the more they kept talking about it. People were overwhelmed with amazement. “He has done everything well,” they said. “He even makes the deaf hear and the mute speak.

Forgiveness

We are indeed fragile beings, aren't we?  

We are hurt so very easily.  Our bodies break.  Our minds are being bent.  Our emotions shift like shadows.  

Oh! How very vulnerable are our minds, our bodies and our hearts!  As the news unfolds, the tides of anger rises, anxiety rules and chaos seems to be the reigning voice of our times, my heart feels like it is breaking here and there and everywhere.  

From where I sit, I believe, this is the time for forgiveness and the Prince of peace to reign!  

In the last two weeks, I have heard three distinct stories of forgiveness.  In each beautiful case, forgiveness has brought such freedom!  ...A lifting felt physically ...a straightening of a bent mind... and a calming of the shifting flood of emotions.  The antidote is forgiveness.  

We all need it.  I need to be forgiven.  Every. single. day.  

And, I need to forgive.  Every. single. day.  

I was once asked to sum up "Marriage Advice" in one word.  My word:  forgiveness.  I would sum up all relationship advice with this one word:  forgiveness.  

In short, forgiveness is His amazing love in me and His love working it's way through me to another person.  

So... today, here is my offering to you...  a spiritual exercise I wrote a while back.  I have used it myself often.  I know others that have benefitted.  ...in fact, this practice (not the sheet of paper, but the activity), is how I generally live my every day life.  

...forgiving the grocery store clerk who was rude.  

...forgiving the friend who forgot to invite me.

...forgiving the stranger who made that comment.  

...forgiving my husband for not doing what he said he would.

...forgiving the one who should have been 'there' for me and isn't.  

...forgiving ... forgiving...  the horrific offenses, the big, the bad, the ugly, and the small offenses.  

May this practice bless your fragile being as it is protected by the Prince of Peace and His amazing forgiveness.  (FEEL FREE TO COPY AND PASTE AND PRINT IT OUT).  Or, send me an email and I'll send it to you as a PDF, happily.  

---------------------------------

·        Spiritual Exercise:  “Forgive”

·        Set aside at least 40 minutes for uninterrupted.  Sit in a quiet with your Bible, a piece of paper, and a pen. 

·        Start your time with a quiet prayer of surrender to God’s leading.  Ask His Spirit to guide and lead you. 

• ·        Open your Bible and read Matthew 18: 21-35.  Read it two times through slowly.
• ·        Close your eyes and ask the Lord, “Please show me who I need to forgive.”  What comes to mind?  Simply write down the name(s) that come to mind.  If there are more than one name, write down each name and leave space around it.  Later, you will be writing something else around and near the name. 
• ·        Sit for a significant amount of time and prayerfully consider if you can willingly forgive these names.  If you are struggling with the whole list (more than one person), then focus on one at a time.  Ask God for help: Lord Jesus, by Your Spirit, help me to forgive.  Lord, forgive through me.
• ·        When you feel ready to forgive at least one person on your list, then take some time and write down--- next to the name--- WHAT they did to you---as simple and succinct as you can.  (i.e. they ‘said ____’, they ‘did ____’, they ‘didn’t do’ ____…)  Do this with each person you are ready to forgive. 
• ·        Now take a prayerful minute, ask the Lord to help you know how this action made you feel.  Ask the Lord to show you WHY it hurt.  How did their action hurt you or why was it wrong.  Write it down.  (i.e.  “it made me feel unloved”, “I felt vulnerable”, “I was afraid”).  [it can be very helpful to use a feeling list to help, just google "feeling words list"]
• ·        After you have written the name, what they have done and how it impacted your heart, then pick up your paper and hold it out in front of you.  Show it to the Lord.  As you are holding it out, say (out loud if possible), Lord, do you see this? Father, You see what they have done and how it has hurt me.   Hold it there and ask again.  Sit with this for a moment. 
• ·        Can you give this to God and lay it down?  If you can, literally, lay it down… on the floor, or the table.  Physically let go of it.  Pray.  You may say something like:  Lord, I give this to you.  It is yours to deal with… I had it over to you, Lord.  I choose to forgive and offer grace.    If you can pray this out loud, it can be very helpful.  [If you can do this with someone you trust as a witness that can be helpful, too.  They can say:  “I witness your forgiveness”]
• ·        After some time, pick up the paper and, somewhere on the sheet, write out “Forgive one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
• ·        Tell God that you forgive each one and what you are forgiving them for.  i.e. Lord, I forgive ____ for saying _____, OR, I forgive _____ for making me feel insignificant. 
• ·         On each name, write “FORGIVEN” in big writing across the name.  
• ·        Take a few minutes and pray “blessing” for each of these you have forgiven.  i.e. “Father, bless her with peace.”  “Father, I ask she would know you.”  “Bless him with repentance.” 
• ·        Now, choose what you will do with this paper---some feel the need to keep it as a reminder.  Some feel the need to throw it out, to rip it up, or to burn it.  What do you need to do? 
• ·        As you close your time, ask the Lord to help you to know His love and forgiveness for you and to give you grace to walk in this release.  Tell Him you intend to hand it to him again and again, if it comes up  in your mind/heart. 
• ·        To strangle out any remaining anger toward a person, whenever you think of them, speak a prayer of blessing for them.  Blessing is the way Jesus gave us to walk in freedom from hate/bitterness. In the beginning they may come to mind A LOT, you will be blessing them many times a day!  But, it will lessen over time--- and you will feel free.  

 

·        Name              What they did                  How it made me feel                       Blessings for them

 

 

Stumbling Words to Express

I grasp for words to describe the feelings.

I wander in my mind and wonder at how to express.

Knowing that with every word comes misunderstanding,  and yet...

I want to speak and show forth.

 

So intensely sad and disappointed and yet so calmed.

Perplexed and confused and yet keenly aware of being known and seen. 

Anger and frustration at my fingertips, yet an offering of belly-laughter alongside.

Will I wake up from this nightmare?  Or tonight know the peace of dreamless sleep?

 

My soul still hasn't caught up with my body.

Are we really still here, suffering with this reality?

Knowing that every day holds the potential for better or bad.

This world falling apart at the seams, tearing apart into fragments.

 

I grasp for words to communicate the Presence.

The depths of peace and hope and the undergirding Truth.

The Word that whispers sweet breath that I can almost smell and taste. 

I want to speak of the doubt and the drought and the faith and the filling. 

 

I need to speak forth, to be on display.

Me, us... him,   we... we are jars of cracking clay.

Glory poured in and itching to pour out. 

This glorious procession... me a member of the great band of witness... 

 

we are....

Weary and wonderful.

Beautiful and broken.

Downcast and lifted up.

Confused and cared for.... 

I grasp for words to express.

Just As He Said

His Word is such a gift to me!  Like daily meals, I take it in and expect it will nourish and feed.  

Some days the meal is just that---simple bread.  ...with thanksgiving, I read/eat, swallow and pray, and move about my day as it feeds me, with me hardly aware of it's inward working.  

Then, other days, it just tastes so so good.  His Word touches my mind and heart in a way that is 'bang' or 'wow'... so similar to that tasty bite of a really good burrito or a ripe strawberry.  

Then there are extra special days, when His Word jumps off the page and pierces me with precision and light.  …like those "wow" meals that stick with you...  A meal you might think about the next day, or even a meal you might recommend to others, will definitely cook again, and talk about at a dinner party or share with a friend.  

Today these words jumped off the page and sweetened my tongue:  "...they found things just as He said they would be" (Luke 22:13)

Just as He said.  

I had just finished journaling the phrase "the work of God is to believe [Jesus]" (John 6:29) and was struck again with the idea that we all, EVERY believer has the same job.  We all have the very same work in common.  Every day we need to believe Jesus.  That is our job.  That and "love Him with all our hearts, minds, souls and strength".  These are the main work points on our job description.  

…doctor, lawyer, brick layer, waitress, professor, cop, politician, artist, and teacher...  we ALL have one clear job:  love God and believe Jesus.  

The disciples believed Jesus when He told them that the exact place to celebrate the Passover meal would be given to them (Read Luke 22:7-13) and they found it 'just as He said it would be".    We can believe His words, follow His direction and He will come through. 

Following this lovely, delicious moment of His word I began thinking of the things He has told me... told us.  I began prayerfully wondering if I was believing Jesus today.....

I am going away now and am preparing a place for you and will come again...  (John 14:13)

If you abide in me, you will bear much fruit.  (John 15:8)

Peace, I give you.  My peace I give to you. (John 14:27)

I will be with you always, even until the end. (Matthew 28:20)

I will make my home within you.  (John 14:23)

You will have pain in this world (John 16:33)

Jesus has promised these things and so many more.  And, the full revelation of Scripture offers an overflowing bread-basket of abundant promises to the followers of God.   We have a feast of truth in which we can trust, believe and find our hope.  

He will come back.  He leaves me peace.  I will have pain in this world. He abides in me and will be with me to the end.   He has overcome the world and will make all things new and right.  I will be hated by the world.  I can not be separated from His love.  He began a good work in me and will bring it to completion.  He knows all things and works all things together for my good and His glory.  In the midst of pain, fire, storm, or flood, He is with me and I will not drown or burn.  

Today, I remember and I take You at Your Word, Lord Jesus.  

I will find things just as You said it would be.  

Just as You said.  

Lament Response

It was deeply, dark-clouded and a fiercely windy day.  While walking, no... stomping..., my way up the green, muddy hill, I asked the Lord, "Are you really with me?"  

This day was just another day in a string of hard days... my husband lay ill in bed with Covid.  He still suffered and we were waiting, praying, hoping for sickness to leave.  Days on days... weeks getting lost into months.  This illness and it's horrible touch lived with us every moment of every day.  

I had ventured out into the rough weather to get some fresh air and stomp out my prayers, my grief, my frustration, and my pain.  Muddied, wet, tired and emotional, I had the passing thought:   I am with you always... 

With you always, Stephanie...

With irritation and despairing tone, face upturned to the dark clouds, I shot back...  "Are you really with me? Really!?  Right here, now?  Are you really with me?"  

Lament is not my forte.  It is not something I normally do... nor have felt comfortable doing most of my Christian life.  My personality and my upbringing have not encouraged emotional outbursts, to be sure.  But, it seemed lately, that without lament...  with out this ever-increasing honesty with my Jesus...  I would run dry.   It seemed necessary and right and very good.  In these days, lament had become my doorway, my window, ...my deep well which accessed living water.   I was thirsty and God was teaching me to tell Him how very thirsty I was.  Oh!  How very thirsty I am!   

So, stomping up the hill, my face lifted, my honest response to the whispered Scripture, "I am with you always"... was tear filled retort.  Really, Lord?!  Are you really with me?  

Like a flash, I had His response.  Instantaneously, I heard one clear word quietly whispered to my heart...  Within.  

I am within you, Stephanie.  

Like lightening, the flash of truth filled me with the ever living water and it was another piece of manna.  Food for my days, for the weeks to come... for the days that would turn into months. 

Whatever would come, I felt my courage rise.  My faith was filled with His Presence and I knew...  

I am always within you, Stephanie.   

So much closer than with... even closer than walking alongside...  My Jesus is within me.    His Spirit lives and abides IN me.  Closer than my very breath.  

Paul tells us in Ephesians that Jesus makes "his home within us".  Jesus, Himself, tells us His Spirit abides with us and within us... (John 14)   I believe we spend too much time looking up and out for Him... seeking Him outside of ourselves... seeking Him in the skies (where He also dwells, just to be clear!)  We need to remember that He is within.  

Jesus said in John 16:5-16:  "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. In a little while the world will see Me no more, but you will see Me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will know that I am in My Father, and you are in Me, and I am in you….If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word. My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him."

His home is within us.  And, all fullness of life and joy and peace lives in Him.  If we are lacking, He is not.  He will give to those who lack.  Do you need wisdom?  Ask Him... He is full of it and He lives in you.  Fullness of wisdom abides in you... abide in Him!  Do you need patience?  or love?  Or do you need joy today?  Ask Him, He is full of it... and He lives in you.  

I walked home that day... that dark, pounding day with a full heart.  I was full of Him and His truth.  He responded to my lament.  His loved welled up and filled my heart and mind with more of Himself.  

The difficult days continued onward... days turned into weeks.  Weeks fell away to months...  In fact, as I write this, we still live with the reality of this horrible illness.  We've stopped counting time passed.  But still ...and still...  that piece of manna ---within----feeds me.  

Just to be clear, I don't hear from His Spirit these type of "words" often--- this is why I call it manna.  Or, better yet, I should call it a feast.  He feeds me manna from the Bible and I collect what I can for each day.  His Scripture is my daily bread.  These special moments--- these flash moments ---are like a feast day.  

Even when I don't feel it... I can remember the taste of the feast.  I know it to be true.  

He is within me always, even until the end of the age.  

My Ballast

After a whirlwind, messy, upsetting dream filled with too many faces, too many needs, so many things to do and all while needing a shower and in my pyjamas for all to see... dreams are a funny things...  I woke up in a rough state of mind.  

Heart pounding, heavy laden and a hot mess...  I made my way down to my 'quiet time' space in the early morning hours.  As usual, I started my time by opening and playing "Pray as You Go".  Barely listening, the cob webs of faces and mouths that needed feeding began to clear away from my mind...  The dream waves began to slowly subside.  But, still, I began to think about the worries----the 'shoulds' and 'musts' and 'oughts'--- that had been pulling at me the past days.  Obviously, this dream was a good picture of the tugging of needs and my inability and struggle to get it all done.  

As my mind was tossed about by the litany of concern, I could feel my irritation and frustration mounting.  'Just leave me alone' was the feeling (is there one word for this 'feeling')!  I could feel my heart lament and the complaining beginning to rise.  Lord, I can't make everyone happy!  Father, I can't hold it all or feed them all or make them all right.  Maybe like my dear compatriot Elijah, I was basically saying... "I've had enough, Lord.  I am all alone here and these expectations just wanna kill me!" (big-time paraphrase from 1 Kings 19)  

Psalms of complaint and lament were welling up in my heart and waves were beginning to crash again 

...and then... in the background, the lovely voice on the Pray as You Go (oh! yeah... it had been playing the whole time while I ignored it) says, "If there is something that is a concern or a weight, maybe you want to ask the Holy Spirit to give you a different perspective".

A different perspective.  

Stephanie, can you ask Me for My perspective?  

Yes, Lord, I want Your perspective...  Please show me what is true and how to see this differently.  

Instantly, as I prayed, I could feel a slight shift.  One bite of manna and I was fed.  He answered and I was seeing just a bit differently.  It was like light shaft opened over my heart and brain and there was more balance and calm.  I was able to see the 'shoulds' that had been annoying me in a totally different light.  I began to see differently.   It was today's miracle!  

It was like my boat was thrown off kilter and the Holy Spirit was the ballast that brought me stability and centered me.   When I asked, He balanced me.  What a gift.  (Ballast is material that is used to provide stability to a boat.  Insufficiently ballasted boats tend to tip or heel excessively in high winds.)

On the heels of seeing a bit more clearly, I had two thoughts... 

   

First, how does anyone live life without the gift of God's Spirit bringing truth to their minds and hearts?  What a gift, Lord! 

And, then the second thought, ...oh! oh, man! I live my life all the time without the gift of God's Spirit bringing truth!  How often do I bounce around my day in a hot mess and heavy laden?  Lord, I need to do this even more!

Lord, help me to ask You for help more often.  Father, help me to abide in Your love, Your Presence and the gift of Your truth.  Spirit of God, thank you that you long to 'right me' and be my ballast.  I want to ask You more.  Teach me to pray!  

He offers us Himself as our ballast.  He offers Himself as my moment-by-moment answer to any whirlwind or hot mess I find myself in---awake or asleep.    

Buzzin Brain

Does your brain ever buzz with busy thoughts and details?  

My brain has been on super-charge this week...  as my youngest made his decision to fly further afield and pursue his master's degree in a different country.  Exciting!  So exciting.  Yes, and a bit maddening... the details, O the details!   

He doesn't need our help, of course.  But, we want to contribute and provide companionship in this big move!  So... this mamma-heart considers everything from transportation to toilet paper,  his housing and our hotel, transportation and taxes,  beds and banking, and...  well, a host of other things that need to happen as we go.  

With buzzing comes worry.  Or, with me, it does.  There is very little calm when my brain is a buzzin'.  

This morning, coming to God and His word, I was touched so gently by a passage in Matthew.   In Matthew 14 Jesus miraculously feeds 5,000 men.  In Matthew 15, the disciples witness Him feed 4,000 men.  Then in Matthew 16: 5-12, the disciples think Jesus is upset with them because they forgot to bring bread with them on their journey.  Jesus says,  

"You of little faith, why are you talking among yourselves about having no bread? Do you still not understand? Don’t you remember the five loaves for the five thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? Or the seven loaves for the four thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? How is it you don’t understand that I was not talking to you about bread?"

In short, ...Jesus says...  How are we really still talking about bread!?   He reminds them that they have just seen two massive miracles where 9,000 men (plus!) were given enough bread AND left-overs.  

...for Jesus bread is really, really not a problem! 

My heart was so stirred by this passage...  And, I sensed a loving rebuke.  A tender hearted... You-of-little-faith-moment.  Stephanie, are we really still talking and worrying about bread? Do you still not understand?  Just tell me what you need and let's move on.  This is not hard for Me!  

How often God tells His people "Do not forget!"... and O! how often we forget!  Right!?  

My life has been filled with an abundance of transportation and toilet paper miracles.  He has provided for me over and over again.  Houses, hotels, refrigerators and rental cars.  In fact, in one of my very first posts here on Koodaigirl...  Microwaves on a Thousand Hills I wrote about the abundance of sheets---bed sheets and cookie sheets and the microwave that just showed up at our door.  Oh!  How easily I forget.  I am only slightly embarrassed that this was 2009 and here I am, learning the same lessons.  

So, today, when the details come lashing against my peace-filled brain... I choose to remember.  In fact, you might just overhear me walking around the house saying, "I have seen Him feed 9,000 mouths!" to remind myself.  

We can choose to remember.  

I choose to remember today and "forget not all His benefits"  (Psalm 103).   These moments of remember may just keep this buzzin' brain at bay.  

Hope Springs

Hope Springs 

I look outside and I wonder if I have lost them all

Vines, plants, bushes tended and laboured over with love, 

Life seems utterly sucked out of them. 

Wind battered, frost bit, brittle they look back at me with pale face. 

Look again, my child.  

I hear the Gardener's quiet whisper. 

Do you see the green?  

I lean close.  I search and look with my pale face and aging eyes. 

Just barely.   Ever so slight, I see the smallest green bud appearing.

Amidst the woody, lost-looking bits, I see life. 

Can these dry bones live?  He whispers

My heart yields, 'Only You know, Lord!?'  

Later, as if a reminder, the song wafts through my speakers.  

This soul-singer speaks of his furrowed, torn-open-heart. 

My heart nods an emphathic "yes" in recognition. 

I, too, feel a bit battered and worn.   

Ripped holes makes space for seed, he sings. 

Will what looks so-very-dead rise again?  

Do you see the green?  I hear the whisper, again. 

I look and see this smallest spark of life and I will hope.  

"Our Lord has written the promise of resurrection, not in books alone, 

but in every leaf in springtime"

~ Martin Luther

Andrew Peterson's The Sower's Song 

How are you, you ask...

How Are you, you ask...

There are swirls deep inside

Emotions lash and tug 

Lifting and lowering 

I don't understand.

Maybe understanding isn't the point.  

Like the wind today, from which way does it blow? 

It propels leaves up and brings trees down

I don't understand.  

Maybe understanding isn't the point. 

How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?  

I Protest

I was listening to Sara Groves, "Why It Matters", this morning... 

And... I had an epiphany.  

Why it Matters

Funny word... epiphany.  Sounds so BIG or so WOW.  But, actually, it usually comes very quietly and very softly.  It's an awakening.  It's simple awareness.  While listening to this ode to creativity written by Sara Groves twenty years ago, I became keenly aware of why I blog, why I paint, ...maybe why I live my every single day.  I guess that is big-awareness!

I wrote Why I Blog in August, 2011...  ten years ago.  In that post, I explore my need and desire to connect and be known.  This was why I started blogging.  This need and hunger to be known is still in me, of course.  But, I am realising that through the years, my motivation and reason for blogging is different now.  Or, at least, 'added to'.  Yes, I want you to know me and I need a place to process what God is doing in my life.  But, NOW...  I find that my blog is a bit of a protest.  

Yep, a place of protest.  

In my small way, in this very small place...  I protest.   I protest the darkness and hopelessness that seems to invade our every day lives with songs and sounds of death, destruction, and theft.  I long to speak life, creation, and generosity.  

I protest the idea that Christians are stupid/silly, ignorant, bigoted, and hypocritical.  I long to speak of wisdom and truth.  I want to write about the true things that invade my life.  I long to speak of where I see the truest things--- beauty, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and sacrificial love--- invading the world all around me.  I protest with my desire to be authentic and vulnerable here.  I want to share struggle and pain and triumph and ambiguity--- all of which are the reality of most of the Christians I know.   I don't have all the answers at all!  I have a journey to walk.  I protest with my offerings of my own journey into being loved and loving others with Christ's unfailing, unbounded love.  

Am I sometimes very stupid/silly?  Ignorant? Bigoted? and Hypocritical… yes, of course!  We all are.  You are, too.  But, you and I are SO SO much more than that.  And, certainly that is not even close to ALL that I am.   So, I protest to these labels over me and over the thousands of Christians world wide--- spread far across cultures, denominations, generations, and this beautiful globe.  

I protest.   

I protest the idea that music, art, and writing must always be perfect like a photo, or always moody and dark, or only ever filled with happiness.   I protest!  I want to write about the real things.  My blog is full of questions, wrestling, dark frustrations, light moments, and bold truths that I still struggle to fully live out.   Our lives, ...our real lives... are so multi coloured! 

I protest that small things don't matter.  I protest that only things that ----cost much, or are 'liked much', or are 'celebrated' or are held up and noted---  that only these things matter.  This small place.  This very small life.  My life.  And, yours... they matter.  

I believe it matters that when I smiled yesterday on my walk... making every effort to pass by each individual, look them in the eyes, and smile.  I believe that THAT matters.  It certainly mattered to me.  And, I believe that it matters to them.  Their small lives. 

Because, I know that each life is small.  ...even the celebrated ones.  But, each life, each and every single life matters!  I believe that each one of us was created on purpose inside our mother's womb.  You.  Me.  Every.  One.  

So, I protest here.  

Like Sara Groves sings--- thank you Sara for again singing my soul----  "tell me of the beauty of the beauty...  speak to me until I understand...  like a rampart for the soul... like a single cup of water...  why it matters!"  

I want to be known, yes. 

But, I also want to speak of the beauty of the beauty.  I want to offer you, my friends, my sister, my brother, ...and those I do not know that read here...  I offer you this single cup of water:  

God is so very, very good.  He is powerful and knows all.  God is faithful.  His love endures forever.  He is love.  He acts in love.  His very nature is love.  His justice is love.  His justice is right and righteous.  He is active and alive.  He offers peace.  He gives us all we need for joy.  He speaks and wants to speak to His people.  He is making and continues to make...   

May these words be a cup of water for your soul today. 

Let us, my friends... add to the beauty and offer a small cup of water to each other!!  

Little by Little

There are still so many things in my life that are simply not right.  Things I think... things I do... ways--- deep ways--- I walk through life.  Wrong thoughts.  Wrong actions.  Wrong motivations.   

Just simply wrong.  

I feel grieved by this, of course.  As I look at myself I see with sober judgment the ways that I fall short.  

I woke up last week angry with myself.  The accusations--- much of it accurate, in truth--- were heavy and strong.  It is hard to put words to the feelings raging in the night.  Rage, I guess, is a good word.  

Feeling this anger, I decided to remain curious about it.   (It is good when the counsel I give to others comes back to me.  ...'doctor heal thyself, comes to mind!')  

Prayerfully, I asked the Lord what was under the anger.  Using the good-ol tool, the Anger Iceberg, I ask the Lord to show me what was underneath my anger toward myself.  I have used this tool many times in my anger toward others.  But, this was the first time I had used it with myself.  It was SO helpful.  

The list was long!  Words like frustration, disappointment, disgust were right there.  As were embarrassed, guilt, and exhausted.  But, so were fear and worry...  

As I sat with these words and saw what was underneath--- I could feel the intense anger subsiding.  

I prayed through each word and stayed curious about each feeling as the "data point" that it is....  (feelings are simply data points for what is going on in our souls).  

I told the Lord that, honestly, the anger felt powerful.  ...helpful, even.  ...productive.  If I am angry at myself, then I will not think or do these things.  Right?!  Oh! that 'parenting by shame and anger' that always backfires!  

I heard a still small voice in response to this honesty...  Stephanie, love is more powerful. 

Love is more powerful!  

After the feelings of anger were quieted... and I could deal with the real substance underneath.  I asked God if He shared any of these feelings towards me.  Each word--- one by one.  ...that was a very revealing prayer conversation.  

He brought to mind many scriptures... many thoughts and I continue to pray for His thoughts over me.  He reminded me of His Hesed love --- unfailing and unconditional.  Powerful love.  Love that brings healing and repentance and grace.  He reminded me of His wisdom, He knows the beginning from the end--- His continued work in my life to bring me to completion (an 'in process' reality).

And, then, He reminded me of Exodus 23:29,30....  where He tells the Israelites that He is giving the land to them 'little by little'.  

I will not drive [the enemies] out before you in a single year; otherwise the land would become desolate and wild animals would multiply against you. Little by little I will drive them out ahead of you, until you become fruitful and possess the land.

In His wisdom, He knew that His people were not ready to take the whole land---  He knew that they were only 'big enough' to take possession of the land in parts.  This verse was like a balm to my soul.  

These 'enemies'--- my wrong thinking, my struggles, my frustrations, my imperfections, my sin--- are being driven from 'my land' little by little.  In the Lord's kindness and love, He knows just how much of my 'land' (my very self... my soul) I can possess.  I am just not quite big enough in Him, in His love, in His power to have conquered it all yet!   Every day, I am growing... but...  I am just not there yet.  

My prayer at that point shifted dramatically... thanking Him for the ground and lands we have won!  Thanking Him for the years and years of victory in my life.  Asking Him for more ground--- more soul-land--- that would be His!!  May He make me fat with Him... big, grand, fruitful, and able to 'possess' in His name and by His Spirit the whole of myself.  

In Genesis and in Exodus, God promised that the land was theirs---  Already theirs--- by His powerful hand and covenant.  The land was theirs and yet, still needed 'taking'.  God Almighty is on-the-job of possessing all the land-o-Stephanie.  At the cross, Jesus has conquered this land and I am His. Conquered and 'His'... and currently being conquered.  May He have His way!  

Yes, Lord, there are still so many things in my life that are wrong.  Little by little, Lord, destroy these ways of thinking, these attitudes and actions!  I want to be wholly Yours---  fully alive and fully free in You.  

Unfinished Beauty

It always starts with a vision of beauty. 

Something strikes me as beautiful and I want to paint it!  

In my mind's eye, I can always envision the breath-taking 'could be' and I dive in...  sketching, laying it out, choosing the colours.  

Step by step, I paint.  

Every single time I paint, I am aware of how my skills fall so very short of my vision.  What is so remarkable in Creation... that cloud, those colours, that shade...  it never quite matches or lives up to the beauty that I desire to represent.  

                                    But... still.  Step by step, I paint.  

As I have been painting now a few short years, I have learned that patience is a key ingredient.  Grace, also is needed...  where there is a wrong stroke or a wrong colour...  grace and creativity are needed to compensate and shift.  

God reminds me today that I am His masterpiece...  his 'poema' (Greek word in Ephesians 2:10).  His poem!  He is writing, and painting, and creating me continuously.  

Just as I sketch with a vision--- so He sees Stephanie as she will be, should be, ...is.  He starts with a sketch.  His ways are perfect.  His skills masterful.  His ways good.

Just as I paint this bit, then that bit, waiting, ...layering and adding.  Shading and shifting.  Taking mistakes and turning them with my brush into purposeful strokes...  So, He is constantly "completing His good work in me" (Philippians 1:6)  

These paintings of mine... they aren't done yet.  So much can be added to or 'fixed' or tweaked... 

I am not done yet.  

I am not done yet.  Or, shall I say... He is not done with me yet!

He is not done painting.  The story is not over.  The poem is not complete.  He still has much colour to add, much shading to do... 

I am reminded that He always starts with a vision of beauty.   Knit together in my mother's womb, on purpose, I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  All my days planned, known, and shaped by His love.  (Psalm 139). 

You, too.  He sees.  He is shading.  He is working.  He is painting. 

Every. Single. One of us.  

His poema.  His masterpiece.  His loved, beloved creation.  

Lean in and let Him have His way.  Tell Him you want Him to continue to make you a thing of beauty.  

It always begins with a vision of beauty!