Are you Shady?

Learning to garden has been a necessity in this lovely green place I live.  It isn't, in all honesty, something I particularly enjoy; but, it has certainly been a fertile ground for heart lessons from the Lord.  

Living things are complex and growing them... tending them... being a good gardener... is a big and challenging job!  I often think of the Lord and His kind hand as I cut, hack, or 'dead-head' any plant or flower.  My cutting and trimming and hacking is good for plant...  I only do it for it's good.  I want it to grow and flourish and produce more fruit.  Oh! The lessons for the heart here... 

I was reading this morning in Mark 4:30-32.  Jesus is making every effort to teach and communicate the beauty of His kingdom to His hearers.  In this case, He choses to use gardening.  He describes the kingdom of God---the gospel, the 'good, good news', the Spirit Truth---as being like a tiny seed that grows into a hardy and life-giving tree.  This is what we are offered in His kingdom.  Into our smallness, comes a small 'truth' and then life grows.  Abundant growth! We grow.  His truth grows in us and makes us (re-creates in us) something hardy and life giving.  

I was struck afresh today by verse 32, where the Kingdom-plant is described as:  1) a place of rest for birds and 2) a place of shade.  And I had this wonderful thought, "Am I shady?"   Prayerfully, I began asking that God would continue to grow His truth in me and make my branches strong to be a place of rest.  I long to be a place of comfort and shade... for all who would come near.  

Are you shady?  

I was listening to a wonderful podcast session by Curt Thompson (MD) recently. (I do highly recommend his books and his teaching.)  Dr. Thompson explains that, as a psychiatrist, he ---yes indeed---offers people an 'answer' and help to problems.  But, actually, much more importantly, he offers himself.  He offers his presence.  Those coming to him for comfort and shade are coming to be seen, heard, and known.  The greatest gift he can give is to show up, let them sit awhile, rest and be shaded.  Presence...the very things we need from each other and ultimately from God.  

God does this for His people and always has.  In Exodus 3:7, He says is straight out, "I have seen... I have heard... and I am concerned..."  One of His names, in fact, is EL ROI... the God who sees.  

In 1 Peter 3:12, we are told that "God's eye is on us and that He is attentive to our prayers..."  Our God is a loving Father that sees and hears.  He is offering Himself to you today.  

God is shady.  God is hardy.  His presence and His truth is a place of rest and comfort.

And, how wonderful is this!? In His kingdom, with Him, we can be shady and comforting and a place of rest for others.  

I can be shady and hardy.  Oh, Lord, make it so! 

~

Mark 4:30-32 Again he said, “What shall we say the kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it? 31 It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest of all seeds on earth. 32 Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds can perch in its shade.”

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #19 They Come to My Window

 They Come to My Window

My heart is only so big.

My mind even less in size.

But still, they come.

They come to my window,

Sharing places and pain.

Stories and stupidity.

Hearts poured out like a waterfall,

Into my waiting pool. 

Their lives bring movement and stirring.  

Turmoil to any stillness that might be found.

I am never untouched.

Pain reverberates. My pond is disturbed.

They speak and cry.

And, sometimes they use words.

Bravely revealing vulnerability.

Tender and precious each one.

They come to my window.

Sometimes their hearts are beyond my understanding.

'Pray for them with all sincerity',

the Abbess advises, and I listen.

'Then, give them over to God'

So, I must let go.  

My heart is only so big.

My arms even less so.

I set them down

Leave them at His feet.

His grand heart, His kind mind, His strong arms

I leave them and close the window.

I pour them back into His hands.

But, still they come.  

Written July 2020

"...you can't hold in your heart all the pain that comes to your window.  Pray once and let them go" 

~The Abbess told Julian of Norwich (1343-1416)

His Third "Coat" of Paint on Me

I was hardly listening to the song.  The music and lyrics were just wafting in the background.  In one moment, though, one particular line jumped out and sang hope to my heart:  "There are victories yet to come.  They are certain as the rising of the sun!" (Matt Maher, Great is Your Faithfulness)

Victories.  Coming.  Certain and sure!  This does my heart such good to remember.  

God knows how utterly frustrated I am with the places in my life and heart that are still bent, broken, and in need of victory.  He knows the disappointment, resentment and anger I can feel at myself, at my sin.   

Yesterday, while praying for a particular long-standing "issue" of heart and sinful thinking, I had a clear picture in my mind.  Most of you know this last year I have taken up watercolor painting.  One of the MOST difficult disciplines that I struggle with in painting (aside from my desire to paint perfectly), is the time it takes to let it dry between stages.  You have to be really patient.  Almost all my "fails", hands down, in painting, thus far... have come from rushing the process or being impatient.  It really doesn't work to rush it.  You have to paint one layer, one “wash”--- and then let it dry completely.  In this humid climate, even more, this reality has brought much annoyance to my impatient self.  

The painting in each stage looks chaotic, messy, and the picture is very unclear.  It’s not very pretty--- sometimes not at all.  The end picture is barely discernible. 

Instinctively, I want to move on quickly, keep painting... make the chaos that is wash one or wash two, into something I can discern or make out.  I want to see it complete.  But, in all honesty, I almost ruin most of my paintings when I rush and move on too soon.  

This was the picture that came to my mind as I was asking Father about this particular issue of sin and pattern of wrong thinking in my life...  He showed me watercolor painting.  

Creative God... painting His masterpiece--- me (and you!)... is always at work.  He is faithful and says in His word, He will bring us to completion.  (Philippians 1:6)  He will bring us into perfection!  Scripture tells us we can be confident of this--- "as sure as the rising of the sun!"  But, in Philippians, He also clearly states that this completion happens in time.  The process works it's way out until the 'day of Christ Jesus'--- meaning when the Kingdom comes in it's fullness.  

He's is just on a second, third, or fourth layer of paint on me!

I want to be done.  I want to see it's completion.  All the things in me, in those I love, and in this world around me--- I want them perfect.  Yesterday, please!

But, be of good cheer, my friends!    I speak to my soul, "Be of good cheer, Stephanie!"  He is at work.  He is faithful.   He is good. If the good work has begun in you, then He will indeed bring it to completion.  It is certain and sure.  

"There are victories yet to come!  They are certain as the rising of the sun. Great is Your faithfulness---always and forever!" 



*the paintings above are not my paintings.... Just lovely wash art by others--- free online to use.  

Sit With Me

Below I offer you an un-edited re-post of a blog I wrote August, 2016.

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Take a load off.  Sit for a while.  Rest... 

Sabbath is really, really important to God.  Plain and simple.  He makes no bones about it.  His commandment of Sabbath is uber-important.  Reading through the Old Testament, it would be hard to miss this clear theme.

I was struck again with this idea when reading in Numbers 15.  Throughout the Old Testament, God offers, over and over, a 'way out' or an avenue for forgiveness from sin.  In this chapter, He enunciates the pathway for recovery and forgiveness for unintentional sin.  And, then, BAM... right in the middle of the passage, we read about the "Sabbath-Breaker" who is to be put out of the camp and stoned to death.  No restitution is offered.  There was no-way back from THIS sin.  What, Lord!?  

Sabbath is clearly really, really important to God.  I wouldn't even attempt to count how often He reiterates this truth in the Old Testament; but, indeed, He does again, and again.  

In Numbers 15, we are given clarity as to why this Sabbath-breaker is punished.  His sin was deliberate, Scripture tells us.  Rebellious.  He had contempt for God's commands.  "He has despised the word of the Lord." (Numbers 15:31)

But what was he actually rebelling against?  What was He despising exactly?  What was offensive to him... this condemned man?  A day-off!?  For Sabbath is a day of rest.  No work.  A day for worship. Quiet.  Why in the world would he (or we) rebel against that?  

(Now, let me just pause here and make very clear that I believe, as a child of God and one covered by the blood of Jesus, I am no longer under the law.  I know and believe that Christ died for intentional and unintentional sin!  And His blood covers all rebellion, curses, iniquity, and transgressions... and every thing in between.  ...just in case you were worried.   But, that doesn't lessen the reality of God's heart and character being the same today, yesterday and tomorrow. So, I also believe, this conversation is immensely important.)

So, why in the world would this man rebel against rest, quiet and no work?  

Or, more poignantly, what do I resist or despise the gift of Sabbath?  

Ezekiel 20: 12 says, "I gave them (a gift!) my Sabbath as a sign between me and them that they might know I am the Lord (note the why behind the giving) who sanctifies them." 

In Mark 2:27 Jesus reiterates this theme that Sabbath is for men--- a gift.  Made and given for us... for our benefit.  Not a legal law to remain under, but instead a gift to receive.  Or not.  

When reading and sitting with this idea, I was struck by the end of the Ezekiel verse--- I am the Lord who sanctifies them. I looked up the word sanctify and found this definition:  "the state of proper functioning".  In the Webster definition it adds, for clarity sake, "a pen is sanctified when it is used to write"

I wrote down in my journal:  "pens are sanctified when writing.  People are sanctified when used for the purpose God intends---living according to His design. People are sanctified when living with God."  Sabbath is part of our proper functioning as human beings.  Part of our very purpose here on earth is to rest, worship, and enjoy God!  It is what we are made for.  

When I don't live in the rhythm of Sabbath rest, I am living in an unnatural way.  A rebellious way.  It is anti-human to work non-stop.  Sabbath is clearly very important gift from God to man.  

Do I despise it?  Fight it?  And, if so, why?  

Just sit for a while and enter His rest.

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I re-post this as I pack up and head out for a 4 day silent, quiet retreat with God!!  ...I will sit and rest awhile, Lord.  I will receive Your gift to me!  

A Warm Place to Live

There is a place for me to live always.  I have a home.  It is a warm, inviting and cozy place.  It is settled.  Forever.

I hear the voice of God beckoning me home again and again.  Day after day.  Come and sit with me here.  Live with me.  In this place, you are home.  

Why is it I feel restless and homeless at times?  I need never feel unsettled or unsure.  Why is it that I ever worry or why do I let fear steal?  I need never be afraid.

Today, He reminds me again, that it is His will, His pleasure, and His determination that will redeem me and keep me.  It is He that holds me in His saving, righteous, strong hand.  (Isaiah 40: 10)

I need only abide.  Stay right here in Me.  Live in Me.  Walk every day in My presence.  

Abide.  Live.  Stay.  Remain.  I will abide in You, Lord.  Today, I remember.  

He tells me I can remain in the place that is always a home for me... His love.  (John 15:9)
His love, my warm home.

I wonder about house and home.  I look around me at the four walls and the roof that keep off the rain.  I do cherish these four walls---good gifts from You.  Thank you, Lord.

I feel the pains of this tent that can ache with age and are weighed down by the effects of gravity.  I do cherish this tent---wonderfully made by You.  Thank you, Lord.  

No.  Not these places.  This house.  This body... this body is not my home.

I wonder and find myself curious about the future---all the unknown about tomorrow.   I wonder about tomorrow's tomorrow.

He says,  I will never leave you.  Draw near to Me.  Live in My love. 

Yes, Lord, You have been our dwelling place, for generations.  (Psalm 90:1)

This is the place I live.  Your Love is my home.  My always home---right now.  And, yes, it is indeed a warm and cozy place to live.

A Strange Song

We received hard news the other day.  My response was raw.

I was deeply sad, confused and angry.  I truly thought that God was saying "yes" to a particular request---and then He said, "No".  I felt like a bewildered and disgruntled child.  I felt duped.  The rug had just been pulled out from under my feet.

Had I heard wrong?  Apparently!

Only last month my mentor asked me, "How do you relate to God in your grief? Do you express it to Him?"  I had found myself dumbfounded with the question--- relating to God in the grief.  In the midst...

So much still to learn.

Ranting through the day, I gave it a go.  This concept of authentic and real interaction with God. With all of me---the real me.  These raw emotions.  Could I simply have them and communicate them honestly to my God? Could I, as David and Jesus did, express those hard emotions directly to my Father, in faith.

"Where are you God?"
"Why have you forsaken me?"
"Will you remain silent forever?"

Like my husband, who gently, gracefully and calmly listened to much of my rantings that day, God seemed quietly sitting with me.  Receiving it, but not responding.  Present.  Solid.  Okay.  God was okay.  His Presence didn't falter.  I didn't feel His wrath at my strong, ugly, raw emotions.  In my anger, I asked. I questioned.  I demanded.  I cried.  It wasn't pretty.

It certainly wasn't the first time---but, it was a significant step for me in being wholly and truly ME with God.  In the midst...  Raw and real with God.

Late in the day, standing at the sink and washing my hands in the warm water, my heart cried out, "Father..."  A cry of "Ugh.."  A deep sigh of frustration escaped my lips.

In that very instant, suddenly came the strangest song...

It was Elvis Presley.  (A caveat here---I simply do NOT always have a song in my head.  Rarely. Very rarely, in fact.  And, I certainly don't have Elvis in my head!  When even was the last time I heard Elvis?!)

In that moment, clear as day, Elvis was singing into my thoughts, "Love me tender, love me true.... for my darlin' I love you and I always will"

There it was---and I knew.  I knew, as surely as I was conscious of the warm water washing my hands, that this was God's heart speaking.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Y-bd3aDMGA

God was asking me, in the most tender way, do you love Me, even so?  

Job 13:15 "Even though He slay me, I will trust Him."  

He was saying, My love for you does not falter or shift.  All I ask in return is love.  Love me with all your heart, with your soul and with your mind.  

Stephanie, love me tender.  Love me sweet.  Never let me go.  Love me tender, love me long.  Take me to your heart---for it is there that I belong and will never part.  

This God.  This amazing Lover that offers Himself and His love to me, over and over.  For always. For keeps.  ...all He asks from me is to remain in that love.  He asks for my love. 

I am not told to understand Him with all my heart, my soul and my mind.  No.  I don't have to understand.  I don't have to agree.  I just must love.  

Yes, Lord, I love you.  I love you tender and sweet.  I am yours.  
All I want for Christmas is You!  

"We love because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19)

A Beautiful Gift

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I am a super practical girl.  My family and friends know this.  I guess that is why they offer me presents "with a purpose" which they know I will like---some of my most prized gifts being a kitchen mixer, mugs, a cast iron pot, a journal, and ipod speakers.  (Books and good music, by the way, do fit in this category... very, very practical, to my way of thinking!)  

Gifts that fit and fulfill a need...  these 'hit the spot' well with me.  

But, when it comes down to it, in reality, I am quite needy.  My awareness of my neediness has been coming awake for some time now.   I am needy.  As I inch my way forward through life, slowly gaining experience and insight into life;  I become more and more aware of this truth... my every-day-human-reality-needs.

I am hungry for so many things.  I long for love, grace, attention, quiet, peace, kindness, truth, and beauty---to name just a few.  Like the oxygen I need to breathe and the water that sustains me, so I also require so many other gifts to flourish in life---relationships, connection, belonging...  

God knows this about me.  He knows this about His people.  We are, indeed, a needy lot.  

Among the myriad of promises God utters to Moses in Exodus, He tells Moses that His very Presence will go with them.  "My Presence will go with you..." (Exodus 33:14)  

What a gift!  This idea is so wonderful and so full of hope.  With God's Presence comes the reality of cover, power, strength and provision.  But, that is not what God emphasizes in these verses---in this conversation of promise with Moses.   He offers something else with His Presence...  

"My Presence will go with you and I will give you rest."  

Rest.  

With His Presence comes the gift of rest...  Pull up next to God and you get such a beautiful gift.

I would venture to guess that if I asked most any room full of people this question, "Who would like or is in need of rest?"  I would bet that every hand would raise and a resounding, "Me!!" would sound with enthusiasm.  

We all need rest.  Deeply, we need rest.  Body rest... soul rest... mind rest.  

With His Presence, I find rest.  You, too, can find rest for your soul.  

I can enter in.  We can receive this gift.  We can sidle up next to Him and receive---or, at least, what He longs to give---is rest.  

"Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."  (Matthew 11:28)  

What a lovely, very practical gift He gives!!  This practical girl is a happy girl.  

God's Status Update

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Today Facebook asked me to "describe who you are".

Apparently this is a new feature Facebook added recently. (or, am I just totally behind the times...equally possible!)  Anyway,  I am asked to answer this weighty question by filling in a tiny square at the top of my page ...in 101 characters or less.

I sat a while and wondered what is most important. Who am I? What shall I say here to sum-up Stephanie ... in 15 words.  Where do I start?  Funny, these thing.

As I sat down to read in Exodus 34 this morning, I saw God's answer--- I saw His "describe who you are" post.  Succinct and to the point, (although, I am not sure He hit the 101 character limit) He tells us what is most important.  He tells us who He is.  

Who are you, God?  

"I AM compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet I do not leave the guilty unpunished.” (Exodus 34:6)

There are many words I could use to describe God.  If it were me filling in God's "describe who you are" box, what might I write?  Where do I begin?  Strong, Wise, Powerful, Eternal, Kind, Right, Holy,...

These are all true about Him, to be sure.  But, when He describes Himself in this instance... He chooses to start with compassion.

Some translations use the word mercy.  Either way, I am so deeply grateful that He starts with mercy!  He begins His description with compassion and grace.  Abounding love and faithfulness.

What a beautiful picture!  In these words, God Almighty reveals an incredible truth to Moses---and to me.  God's foundation, His very core ...the very center of "who He is" is compassion, grace, patience, love, faithfulness, forgiveness and justice. These are the words He chooses to use to describe Himself--- to reveal Himself.

Oh! How I want to know this God more!

Now that I have God's "describe who you are" section.  I wonder how He might fill in "where you work" or "what's on your mind"?  What would God's Facebook status be today?

What God Really Wants

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What do you want from me?  

This is just one of the many questions swimming in our minds, often underneath the surface.

There are certain personality types that seek this answer more than others, to be sure.  But, as humans, we all do it--- to some degree---even if in different ways.

We look up after birth asking our mothers to tell us what they wants from us.  Each little face ultimately seeking love and relationship; we want to hear:   I am so happy you are here!  I just want you!  I want to hold you and love you and be with you.  

We long for her to say... I want you.  Just look at me, connect to me.  I love you.  

Certainly, we have all received varying messages from our mothers.  And we follow forward--- looking to our fathers, our siblings, our friends, our bosses, our spouse, our neighbors---asking similar questions. How can I please you and keep you happy?  How can I make you like me and/or respect me, or value me? How can we stay connected?  The questions vary depending on our make-up and uniqueness.

Essentially we are asking the world:  What do you really want from me?

Maybe it is just me.  But, somehow, I don't think so.

As I journey through the Old Testament, I keep looking for God's heart.  I want to know Him more.  I want to know what He wants.  Lord, show me Your heart.  What is it You want? What is Your desire? What is the purpose, the foundation, the goal of Your words, these stories, these commands and Your workings? 

Sometimes I find myself confused and ill-equipped to answer this question.  I don't readily know and I don't understand the "why".  I have trouble seeing His heart.  And, thus, the conversation continues.

Yet, there are moments when His heart's desire jumps off the page and shouts out with His words.  Loud and clear:  God tells us exactly what He wants and why He has done this or that...

In Exodus 29, I found such a place.

After very specifically enumerating the particulars of sacrifice, clothing and worship instruments, God speaks the "why" behind His orders.

"[After all this] Then regularly... there I will meet with you and speak to you and the place will be consecrated by my glory"  (Exodus 29: 42) 

What does God really want?  What is His purpose for all this?

He wants to meet with His people.

He wants to speak to His people.

And, He wants His glory to fill, to clean, to make us holy (consecrated).

He is setting it all up for meeting.  ...for dwelling and connectedness.  He wants to draw near.   We are indeed designed for relationship with Him.

In fact, He says it over and over.  He reminds them yet again in the next verses following that this is exactly WHY He delivered them from Egypt: "I brought you out of Egypt... so that I may dwell among you and be your God". (Exodus 29: 46)

God Almighty wants to be with us...  to dwell among us.  

This is one of His deepest 'wants'.  THIS is what He really desires.

God reminds me this morning----  Stephanie, you ask how to please me?  How do you stay connected to me and make me smile?  Let me dwell with you.  Let me meet you.  Meet with me.  Listen and speak with me.  Let my glory fill you, make you holy and new.  

I just want you.  I want to hold you and love you and be with you.  
I am just happy you are here.  


"As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you." (Isaiah 66:13)
"Come away with me, my love."  (Song of Solomon 2:10)

Nearness in His heart

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I heard God's heart today.  As I read, I could feel His tender hope, His desire for His people, and His intention:  "You yourselves have seen what I did to Egypt, and how I carried you on eagles’ wings and brought you to myself.  Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then you will be my treasured possession. Although the whole earth is mine, you will be for me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation." (Exodus 19)

He had carried them.  He had brought them out with His own hand... "I carried you"... these words are so personal, so very close.  And, yet, they cannot draw near.  He tells the leaders to keep the people from coming too close.  Put up a barrier! God insists. (Exodus 19:12,21) If they come too close it will destroy them... they will die.  He must protect the people from His power, His holiness, perfection and glory.  It would be just too much; His holy Presence would devour them.  So, He must hold them off.  

But... can you just hear His heart to bring them near.  In fact, He tells them how.  Just obey everything I say, God says.  Simple, right?  He gives them a simple IF---THEN statement.  If you obey, then you will be mine.  I will make you a kingdom of priests, holy and mine. 

As I read this in Exodus, I realized how very familiar these word felt.  Where, Lord, have I heard these words before?  Of course,...yes, I know... I have read these exact words before.

A simple google search for "priesthood in the New Testament" and here we are---yes, almost an exact repeat so many years later.  Those words:  a priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession... 

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy." (1 Peter 2:9-10)

I just have to stop, be still, and read it again.  Once through. Twice.  Just take it in.  I stand amazed, once again.   God has done such a beautiful thing for us!

God's heart spoke it out in Exodus.  His desires expressed in Exodus now finalized and written about through Peter.  We couldn't accomplish it.  We want to... just like the Israelites who claimed, "We will do all you have asked" ...and then promptly didn't.  We just can't.  I can't.  Period. Full-stop. 

We couldn't accomplish it, so He did.  He did it for us.  He did it for me. 

A two way "if---then" clause and covenant.  He took care of both sides of the contract.  He fullfills the IF and He takes care of the THEN.  It is done. 

In this verse in 1 Peter, God is declaring this as done.  True.  Finito.  A finished reality.  You are...  He says. Once you were not...  and now you are... 

And, to top it off---with the help of google---I jumped over to Hebrews 4 and then to James 4. Because of Jesus, the head priest, we can boldly approach God's throne.  No more barrier.  No more warning.   No more holding-off.  ...quite the opposite, in fact.  Draw near, He says.  Come very, very close.  Be bold.  Walk right up and touch me!  Abide in me and I will abide IN you. 

I hear God's heart today...

Life Long Journey of Grace

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It's a journey of grace, my sweet son.

Every day.  Needed grace...

My son has been reading a great book, Growing Up Christian by Mark Jacobsen.  In this book the author challenges students to take their faith in God seriously... to make it "there own".  He pokes a bit at the non-Christian student living in the home of Christian parents.  He wants his readers to think, to analyze, and to test their faith.  He writes in a winsome way, to be sure; but, my eleven year old son hears something different as he reads.  He has taken it to heart so seriously that he has been in tears a few times.

Confused.  Agitated.  Upset.  Am I even a real Christian, Mom?...  he has wondered and questioned out-loud.

It is journey of grace, my son.  A journey... one foot in front of the other.  

My son deeply loves God.  My son also struggles with the need to be perfect; or the desire to be "already done".  He struggles with frustration and defensiveness with his own weakness and sin.  He wants to be perfect today.  Yesterday would have been nice.

Hmmm...just like his Mamma.  Nature or nurture?  I don't know.  But, I heard his heart and knew his pain as he struggled through today's chapter on pride.  He questioned and felt angst!  I think he was even angry at the book.  I get it.

In this chapter, Mark Jacobsen is inviting the reader to a sweet adventure in humility.  He is pointing out the difficulty of pride in our lives.  He is offering suggestions and pathways to walk to becoming more humble. Very helpful, for sure.  But, to my son, he heard condemnation.  He grieved the fact that he isn't there yet.

I am so prideful, Mom!  

And, if I am honest (which Jacobsen encourages), I don't even really want to be humble at all!   All this was said with exasperation and frustration--- not with the author, exactly, but with himself.

His father's words were priceless... "Oh, buddy, don't worry... you will be struggling with your pride for years to come!"  We all laughed.

One foot in front of the other...

It is a journey of grace, my boy.  Every day.  All day.  Needed grace.  

I keep telling my son... and telling myself... that perfection is not for today and probably not tomorrow either. He chuckles when I say this.  So, do I.    Of course it isn't!?  We can laugh together at our insecurities and our quirks.

Perfection isn't for today; but, instead we have just grace.  Just simple, marvelous, unexplainable, incredible grace.

I remind him often that we have fresh mercy every day and we can fall into His unfailing love and faithfulness.  Just as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, he will indeed sin or at the least he will want to sin.  And, just as sure as the sun will set tomorrow, God has grace for that too...

I need it today.  You?  I need that never-ending, abundant grace poured out from my loving Father.

Every day.

I Left My Hearing Aids Behind

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My father-in-law came for a lovely visit.  The day he left, in the early morning fog and grog, he accidentally left his hearing aids at our house...

He flew home over the Atlantic ocean handicapped with minimized hearing ability.

What a huge bummer!  I can just imagine regularly having and relying on an aid... glasses, pain meds, crutches, braces, or hearing aids... and then suddenly being without them.  I think I would feel pretty vulnerable.

When we found them, we rushed to the post office and sent him the hearing devices...  Express Mail.  Two day delivery.  After a long conversation and much discussion with the post office staff, we were assured... indeed, he would have them soon.  Within days, they promised, the aids would arrive and he will have them in his possession again.

I need aids to help me hear, too.  I need help to spiritually hear, that is.  And, sometimes I leave "my aids" behind in the early morning fog.

Daily times in God's word, my journal, prayer cards, friends to share with, books I read and worship music are only a few of the "glasses, braces and crutches" I use daily to help me see, hear and walk rightly with my heavenly Father.  There are days, though, that I leave them behind.  Accidentally, of course.  I forget them or misplace them or simply overlook their importance.  I leave them until I feel vulnerable and have trouble hearing, of course!

Are you hearing Me, Stephanie?    Are these the words the Spirit has been whispering into my soul this past week?  I am not sure... I am wondering as I type today.

The hearing aids that my father-in-law left at my house didn't make it to him on time.  In fact the parcel was stuck, for no apparent reason, in our country.  They sat, neatly wrapped---carefully protected---in someone's outbox in the middle of the UK.  Days and days left behind.  No worker with the post office could tell me why.

They got left behind again!

Then, they got stuck in the US customs bureaucracy--- a red-tape nightmare of paperwork and misunderstanding!  All the while, my father was handicapped in his ability to hear.  Days and days were passing.  Every day more vulnerability, more frustration.  I was frustrated.  VERY frustrated.  No, actually, I was down-right angry.

When I got the news they were still in the UK, thoughts sped in and out of my mind... and spilled out of my mouth.  'I spent X amount of pounds to send this package!'  'They promised me they would get there!'  'This just isn't right?!'

Are you hearing Me, Stephanie?  

Angered with ridiculous paper work, I was thrown into a tailspin of irritability and defensiveness.  I don't need this right now, I thought.

Stephanie, listen for a minute, ...be still.  Are you hearing Me?  

Literally, the night before the 'hearing-aid-parcel-fiasco' begain, I had copied two quotes into my journal,

"You must utterly believe that the circumstances of your life, that is, every minute of your life- have come to you by His will and by His permission and is exactly what you need" ~Jeanne Guyon  

"One who makes it a rule to be content in every part and accident of life because it comes from God, praises God more than one dedicated an hour of singing psalms."~William Law

Yeah...  uh. huh.  Got it.  Yep.

The words did make me stop at the time I read them.  I pondered.  I prayed.   I read these words, thought on them a bit, ... and THEN walked on, leaving them to rest on the table and quietly tucked in the book. Yep, I left my hearing aids behind!

The very next day, the parcel bureaucracy began... and I was utterly frustrated.

Are you hearing Me, my love?

I sat down to pray with some friends (good friends are great hearing aids!)  As we prayed I started to hear a bit more clearly... to see things as if with better light.

"Utterly believe"...  Guyon had written.  Oh Father, You are speaking to me again of faith and trust.  Surrender and rest in You...  

"Every minute" "every part and accident of life" "by His permission" "Exactly what you need..."  Are you listening, Stephanie? 

Dear Lord, again, today I think you are reminding me that I can remain in You.  I can relax in Your love.  Even in this "accident", I can trust.  I can see and trust Your hand on all things.  I can trust You as my loving, powerful Father...

I found my hearing aids this morning and put them in, turned them up!  Unapologetically, I am picking up my 'crutches' and walking with help.  Indeed, I walk with a limp and need those crutches!  I am turning on that worship music at full volume today.  I need the aids of friends, God's word, worship music, thankfulness lists, and good books to read.  I don't want to leave them behind.

I want to hear you more clearly.  Today, I will listen, Father.  Teach me, I pray.  

67 Years and Still Learning

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"I am just now 67 years old this year", she said as she began explaining a new adventure she was having with God.

"You see I was needing to get to my doctor's appointment the other day..."  She was beautiful, her Welsh accent thick, as she began to share her heart and her current journey with God.

As she spoke, I could just imagine her rushing from one appointment in town to another.  She shared that she had pleaded and begged God to keep the train just a while longer so that she wouldn't miss it.  She was going to be late!  She told me of her pleading prayers as she hurried on her aging, disintegrating knees. "Oh, Lord, please!"  I am very accustomed to seeing her gait.  In my mind's eye, I could see her shuffling as fast as she could to make the train.

And, then, with with a twinkle in her eyes, she leaned in and gave me the punch-line, "Stephanie, ...it was there waiting for me.  It said 'Delayed 9 minutes".

I smiled with her and a sweet, internal "Yes!" welled up within my spirit in agreement with this statement of thanksgiving and praise.  "It was there, just like I asked Him. Why do I wonder and fret?!"

Then came the exclamation point at the end of the story.  With a pause and after a quick chuckle she added quietly and slowly, "And, then ...I heard the Lord say to me: 'I heard you the first time!"  

I heard you, daughter, the very first time you asked.  

"Oh- will I ever learn?!" she said and her head flew back with laughter.

New lessons of faith and trust are my 67 year old friend's adventure.  I love every minute of our conversation.

Faith and trust.  Are these ever too old or too simple to learn again?

Will we ever learn?  Will I ever learn?

My Father seems to be whispering to my heart these new lessons of faith and trust, too.

Patience, my child.  Patience...  My grace is sufficient.  

Simple Things

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So simple.  So very simple.  His words to me lately have been elementary.  Simple, clear and beautiful.  

Trust me.  

I love you. 

I am your Almighty Father.

Do not worry.  

Are there times when you feel young--- I mean very young, like a small child?  I do.  Today I do.

God knows this.  I sense Father's tender wisdom and gentleness as He speaks to me about His love, His faithfulness, His grace.

Over and over.  Simple and True.  He whispers and He gently nudges.

There are also times when I feel I should know "more" or "deeper"... or I should grow up and be finished.  Do you ever feel this way?

But, the more I walk this journey, the more I become aware of the cavernous chasm between Truth and what I actually know.  I really don't know these things... this Love, this faithfulness, this amazing grace.

I have tasted, yes, and I have seen.  Each day His love and His faithfulness are on display for me to encounter.  But, still I do not know.

So He speaks simple words to my heart.

And, like the early disciples,  I am curious to know more.   I want to follow Him and spend time with Him. He knows I follow behind... He knows my heart.  (John 1:37-39)

He responds to me, like a small child, "Come and see..."

And, He shows me simple things.  Beautiful things.  He shows me where He is and He lets me learn from Him.

Will I ever grow too old for these things?  Does anyone every get too old for "I love you"?

There He goes again... singing over me!

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No...  Really? 

No... that song can't really be for me.  Is it, Lord?

As I awoke from my short cat-nap... I woke up to a song.  My body was tired-- fighting some kind of sickness all week.  But, when I awoke, wafting like a gentle breeze across my brain, the song sang to me.  It sang and beautifully touched down gently into my heart.  It brought peace---it's beauty brought light.

I hadn't heard this song recently.  In fact, I haven't heard this song in quite a while.  Where did that come from?

Waking.  Listening.  Questioning.

Generally, I don't wake up with songs in my head.  Do you? Some people, I am told, often have songs bouncing and singing in their minds and hearts.  I don't.  Rarely, in fact.  Where did that come from?  

I had struggled all morning with irritating thoughts of insecurity.  Comparison.  I had laid my head down on the pillow for my nap with a significant annoyance at myself--- annoyance at my insecurities and comparisons.

And, when I awoke... I heard these words:  Love, you are lovely.  

Gentle words.  A gentle song.  Simply beautiful.  "Love, you are lovely.  You put the stars to shame."  

I knew the song immediately.  A love song entitled "Tonight", by JJ Heller, this is a song from a groom's heart.  He is singing to his bride on their wedding day. Or, is the bride singing to the groom?

A beautiful love song.  Tender.  Gentle and simply beautiful.

How funny... why this song, Lord?  

Love, you are lovely.   Still singing.  Still brooding over me, this song.  It sounds like an invitation.  An invitation.

No?!... No!  this song can't possibly really be for me.  From you, Lord?  

Love, you are lovely.  You put the stars to shame.  

Scripture teaches us.  Experience speaks to it.  Creation shows forth His deep love for us.  Why do we question it?  He loves His bride.   He delights in her.  He calls us His beloved.  He lavishes His love over her day and night.  He smiles at her.  And, sings over her.

But, still, somewhere inside I struggle to take it in.  Could He, really?  Could You really, Lord, love me this tenderly?  

Almighty God?  Loves me... this much!?  Can He possibly sing to me this beautiful love song?  Can He want to dance with me...  and delight in me so.  It is almost too much for me to take in at this very moment as I type.

The singing-song has dissipated now.  Other noises and thoughts and moments of life have carried it away.  But, the sense of His deep love still lingers.

I still listen.  And, question.  And, wonder.  And, I smile.  ...attempting to take it in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VIWqTDKNbw

You are my beloved and I am yours to keep.  Take my heart forever, You have captured me!

You must be good...

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To be loved, you must be perfect or at least good.

...whether I fight this lie because of my personality, my past wounds, or just my human nature, I am not certain.  Likely, it is a mixture of these three things, at the least.  But, to be sure, this ugly lie can infiltrate my thinking and influence my relationship with God.

God has spoken in His word.  He has spoken through the whispers of His Spirit directly to my mind about this lie.  He has spoken Truth over this lie time-and-time again.  "Stephanie, you don't have to be perfect to be loved."  And, yet, this lie of perfection and doing-good can penetrate and linger within.

I am learning.  It is a journey.

Watching and relating to the Israelite's sin in the Old Testament these past few weeks has pushed on this lie.  They are certainly not good and far from perfect.  Are they loved?  It sounds a bit crass to even say that out loud!  Of course they are, we say theologically.  But, I read and feel God's anger and His frustration (which I "get" as well!!) and somewhere inside I wonder...  Are they loved?   I feel they must have certainly lost His love, right?  They certainly don't deserve it.

How does God see the Israelite's as they wander and grumble and rebel?  I guess, more poignantly, my heart really asks, "How does God see me as I wander, grumble and rebel?"  Hmmm... Do you ever wonder this?

Interestingly, as if He could hear my wonderings... He answered my question.  Right smack dab in the midst of their rebellion, is the beautiful story of God using Balaam to speak His heart and thoughts about His people. (Exodus 22-24)

Right before this passage, the people have angered God with their grumbling and He is disciplining them.  Moses has angered God with His pride and He is disciplining him.  And, Miriam has angered God with her judgment and slander.  She, too, is disciplined.  God says, "I rebuke those I love, like a good Father", and we see this in these stories.

But what does God think of Israel?  of Moses?  of Miriam?  What are His thoughts about His people?  What is His stance toward her?  We are told through a prophet, Balaam, exactly what He thinks of Israel.(As a side note, the fact that Balaam is not from Israel is a wonderful foreshadowing of God's heart for all nations!)

Balaam is called upon by an enemy king to prophesy and curse Israel.  Balaam reluctantly agrees to prophesy for this king.  But, Balaam clearly states that all he will do is say only that which the Lord Almighty tells him to say...

And, these are some of the things that God speaks as Truth about His people through Balaam, "How can I curse what God has not cursed?...God has blessed and will not revoke it.  ...The Lord is with them. ...They are like a strong lion and will devour their prey. ...How lovely are their tents... they are beautiful like gardens beside a river. ...I will protect them."

Blessed.  Strong.  Lovely.  Well-watered.  Protected.  I am with them!

These are God's thoughts about His people, even as they sin.  My God, our God, ...He sees beyond!  He sees beyond their sin and their rebellion.  He sees what they actually ARE:  His.  Loved.  Strong.

It reminds me of the early chapters of Ephesians where God tells the church in Ephesus who they are...  blessed, chosen, forgiven, set free, victorious, and loved.  His letter to the Ephesians tells us His stance toward His people, "Grace and peace to you." (Ephesians 1:2)

You see... I have realized, am realizing, need to realize.... that I am loved because He loves me.  Plain and simple.  Not for what I have done, what I will do, or who I am.  Just because.

And, because of the beautiful gift of grace and the blood sacrifice of His Son, He sees beyond my sin, my wandering, and my rebellion.  He says I am beautiful.  And, He says I am free.  These are His thoughts about you, too, my friends.

As I read Balaam's prophecy, another verse danced around in the back of my head, "If God is for us, who can be against us?  ...it is God who justifies. ...what can separate us from His love?"  (Romans 8:31-35)

To be loved, you need do nothing.  You mustn't be or do anything.  That is the crazy, eternal Love that is our God!  I need only choose to live in the love of an ever-Loving Father.  This is what is True.

"God's love for us is everlasting.  That means that God's love for us existed before we were born and will exist after we have died.  It is an eternal love in which we are embraced.  Living a spiritual life calls us to claim that eternal love for ourselves so that we can live our temporal loves - for parents, brothers, sisters, teachers, friends, spouses, and all people who become part of our lives - as reflections or refractions of God's eternal love." ~Henri Nouwen

Chicken from God's Hand

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So, I have a pretty lengthy list of food allergies.   I have only figured this out in the last few years and am so glad for blood tests that have confirmed and helped the process.  But, it is still a bit new.  And, although I am deeply grateful to have this information about myself, it has been a bumpy, hill-and-valley-filled journey toward receiving this 'gift' with thankfulness.

It does make life a bit harder, to be sure.  And, it pushes hard on my 'don't be a bother' issue---  I am the one who is a bother when it comes to meal times.  I simply can't just eat anything these days.  And, it pushes on my 'I can't have a weakness' issue---In fact, I have weakness for all to see and witness at every meal time.  Pushing on these issues is good and right.  Pushing on these wounds, and others, is Loving!  But, it hasn't been an easy road. 

When I travel,  it becomes even more fraught with difficulties.  But, my loving Father continues to show me His care over even this mundane aspect of my life.  Food.

He talks alot about food in His word, have you ever noticed?  He talks about His provision and His care of food.  He talks about His gifts of food and His using food to nourish.  He talks about food's importance and it's place in our lives.  He also talks about being our food... He, Himself... our food.   He shares with us that He is sweeter than the very best earthly food. 

So, with an upcoming trip approaching came a dialogue with my Father about my food.  As we talked about my food---or my food allergies--- I felt a distinctly, determined faith rising up within my soul.  I truly felt His Spirit was placing in me a stubborn commitment to not worry about what I would eat.  I sensed an invitation to trust Him more. 

He would provide.  He was my good Shepherd and would provide exactly the food I needed in the pasture He was taking me.

But, I still planned.  And, I still prepared.  I made us a lovely breakfast for our 4 am train ride... including beautiful, egg-free, dairy-free, gluten-free, corn-free, sugar-free pumpkin muffins.  I was ready!

Until... in the midst of the 3 AM brain frog and haste of leaving, I forgot that lovely, full bag of food in my refrigerator. It is still sitting there as I write this! 

The minute I remembered it (on our way to catch the train), I felt such grief!  And, mingled in the grief...was the thought...  How in the world am I going to eat!?  What am I going to eat on this train and plane flight?! 

My head literally dropped down to my knees and I wanted to cry.  Worry and fear where hanging close by ready to jump.  Quicker still and stronger, though, was a tender thought that wafted across my mind.  I am Your Good Shepherd.  Trust me.  I will provide for you. 

I knew this was an opportunity.  This too was a practical, beautiful opportunity to fall head first into the invitation of trust from my Heavenly Father! 

So, in those wee hours, as we rode along that dark road to the train station, I opened my hands and told my sweet Father that I would trust Him.   Father, I trust You today. 

You should have seen the beautiful chicken breast dinner that was delivered to my airplane seat as we began our 11 hour plane flight that day!!  Truly it was miraculous.  I could eat it all... a tray full of delicious airplane food (I know, an oxymoron!) that I could eat.

He had led me into this pasture and was providing food for me.  He was delivering manna right to my airplane seat...  and it tasted wonderful!

He cares about this... even this.  He is my Shepherd.  He is your Shepherd, today, my friends.  Right where you are--- in your pasture--- He will provide all you need.  

I am learning, Father.  Thank you for teaching me.  And, thank you for using hard things to lead me forward in this lesson of faith. 

Sometimes it is just a bit dark...

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It was dark this morning.  And it felt cold.  I felt cold.

Sometimes morning just brings haze.  And, darkness.  I don't know why...

I woke up this morning to the dark.  Literally and emotionally.

Dark and cold, inside and out,  I dragged myself out of bed... awake, but desperate for my cup of coffee.

Coffee in hand, I plopped hard into my quiet time chair. Wordless feelings just sat with me in the morning gloom.  I just feel yuck...  and cold hearted.  And, tired.

As my mind lingered in that hazy space, I mechanically picked up one of my devotional books.  I guess I'll start here...  

Half heartedly, I began to read a verse in my book:  "Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you...  to rejoice in Your name all day long."  (Psalm 89:15)

...to rejoice in Your name...

Rejoice in My name...    

The words seemed to come alive just a bit, dancing to-and-fro from the page into my mind.  With slight hope  and the face-of-my heart upturned slightly, I thought... Okay... yes! this is where I will start today.

I began to write in my journal...

I simply wrote Truth.  In that moment, I made a choice to rejoice in His name, to acclaim Him.   Do you ever just have to choose Light?

Father, you are Almighty.  You are the Alpha and Omega.  You have always been and You will always be.  You are beautiful and majestic.  All You do is good...  

On and on I wrote... filling the page with Truth.

By the second or third sentence, although the physical darkness of the morning was still heavy, the haze over my heart had lifted and the darkness had faded.

I was made to worship.  Worship was my pathway back to joy this morning.    Praise was a light for my darkened mind.  Happy is he that has learned to acclaim You, to rejoice in Your name all day long!

I am learning.  Father, please keep teaching me, leading me, lighting my way!

Give me a fat heart!!

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So, being described as "stout" is not a great compliment, right?  When someone says, "She is stout"... it isn't meant to encourage.  

I looked up the word in the dictionary this morning.  Stout means, "bulky in figure; heavily built; thickset; fat."  Okay, yep.... definitely NOT a compliment!  

But, this was the prayer of my heart this morning "Lord make me stout!  Make my heart stout and bold.  Lord, make me stout-hearted!"  

Stouthearted is a very different thing, isn't it?!   

The dictionary has a second definition for "stout":  "bold, brave, dauntless, firm, resolute."  

Now, here are words I like!  

In Psalm 138, David is praising God for His faithful answers...  God has heard me!  And, then David worships with the words, "when you answered me, you made me bold and stouthearted"  (Psalm 138:3)

This is the answer to the cries of our hearts, my friends.  He listens, He responds, and His Spirit emboldens and strengthens us! 

Daily life can bring wavering for me.  It brings moment-by-moment opportunities to be distracted, discouraged and overwhelmed.  My heart feels, at times, to be unsteady, timid and insecure.  But, in His Presence I can be strengthened and brave!  He can (and wants to!!) make me bold and dauntless.  

Just to imagine my "heart"---my insides, my soul, my very being---as bulky and heavily built, makes me smile.  Yes, Lord, may I have a fat heart!!   

May my heart be fat-filled with Him and immovable with the rock-confidence in His love.  May I know His answers and His Presence so keenly that I am firm and resolute.  Make me stout, my Lord!  Make my heart stout in You!  

He has fathered me well

My husband has "fathered" me well.

I have said this for years and it often creeps people out a bit.  It sounds weird to them, I guess.

It isn't weird.  It is true.  And, beautiful.

Yes, my husband is my lover, my soul mate and my very best friend, to be sure.  But, he has also fathered me very well through the years.

I deeply love my natural father.  He is a good man.  And, from all I am told, in the very earliest days of my life, he was a loving father.  But, I don't remember those early days.  I wish I did.  I just don't.  As a child-of-divorce, "father" became a confusing and muddled word for me at an early age.  A dark place.

Experts now say that, to a child's psyche, divorce is similar to unexpected and sudden death.  (Source:  The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Lewis, Blakeslee, and Wallerstein)  Psychologically speaking, for the child, their father and mother die at the same time somewhere deep within.  In a child's heart, foundations break and something rips and tears within.

Even if I am simply a case-study-of-one-- for me this was true.  Something deep did break.  "Father" was a sad place in my heart.  A broken place--- "father" was a place of pain and wounding.   Early in my life the word "Daddy" was a word that brought tears, longing, and an ache.

Healing began for me when I first began to understand the love of my Heavenly Father in my teen years.  But, deep-seated healing began when I was loved by my husband.  God used this man, my man, to show me something tender, something real and something wide:  Love.


I remember feeling quite justified in this "theory" when reading Cloud and Townsend's excellent book,  "The Mom Factor".  In their expertise, they suggest that God has given us the ability to find deep healing in the love and care of others around us.  We can find new "mothers" and new "fathers" all around us.   From our friends, our co-workers, our pastors and our spouses we can let ourselves be "re-parented".  This is the beauty of how God ordained community and human-to-human fellowship!

Father God wants us to know His massive love for each of us... and He gives us opportunities all around to experience and know that love.


My husband has loved me so well through the years.  It is hard for me to express with words.   I actually find myself sitting here unable to express how deep, how wide and how long is the love my husband has showered on me.

And, then, we had kids...

Through the years, I have watched him love and father them!  Oh! What a healing balm for my soul!    He held each one so carefully and so tenderly through the years.  He has loved them with a fierce and passionate love---a protecting love.  He has given of himself time-and-time again, serving and serving until exhausted.  He has disciplined and taught.  He has comforted and caressed.  He has played with them and danced with them and created with them.  The list is endless.

My husband has indeed fathered me well.  And, he has fathered his children well.

And, my Heavenly Father whispers deep into my healing soul, "Watch, Stephanie!  Look.  Hear, my daughter, THIS is love!  This is just a taste--a glimpse-- of My love for you!"