Forgiveness

We are indeed fragile beings, aren't we?  

We are hurt so very easily.  Our bodies break.  Our minds are being bent.  Our emotions shift like shadows.  

Oh! How very vulnerable are our minds, our bodies and our hearts!  As the news unfolds, the tides of anger rises, anxiety rules and chaos seems to be the reigning voice of our times, my heart feels like it is breaking here and there and everywhere.  

From where I sit, I believe, this is the time for forgiveness and the Prince of peace to reign!  

In the last two weeks, I have heard three distinct stories of forgiveness.  In each beautiful case, forgiveness has brought such freedom!  ...A lifting felt physically ...a straightening of a bent mind... and a calming of the shifting flood of emotions.  The antidote is forgiveness.  

We all need it.  I need to be forgiven.  Every. single. day.  

And, I need to forgive.  Every. single. day.  

I was once asked to sum up "Marriage Advice" in one word.  My word:  forgiveness.  I would sum up all relationship advice with this one word:  forgiveness.  

In short, forgiveness is His amazing love in me and His love working it's way through me to another person.  

So... today, here is my offering to you...  a spiritual exercise I wrote a while back.  I have used it myself often.  I know others that have benefitted.  ...in fact, this practice (not the sheet of paper, but the activity), is how I generally live my every day life.  

...forgiving the grocery store clerk who was rude.  

...forgiving the friend who forgot to invite me.

...forgiving the stranger who made that comment.  

...forgiving my husband for not doing what he said he would.

...forgiving the one who should have been 'there' for me and isn't.  

...forgiving ... forgiving...  the horrific offenses, the big, the bad, the ugly, and the small offenses.  

May this practice bless your fragile being as it is protected by the Prince of Peace and His amazing forgiveness.  (FEEL FREE TO COPY AND PASTE AND PRINT IT OUT).  Or, send me an email and I'll send it to you as a PDF, happily.  

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·        Spiritual Exercise:  “Forgive”

·        Set aside at least 40 minutes for uninterrupted.  Sit in a quiet with your Bible, a piece of paper, and a pen. 

·        Start your time with a quiet prayer of surrender to God’s leading.  Ask His Spirit to guide and lead you. 

• ·        Open your Bible and read Matthew 18: 21-35.  Read it two times through slowly.
• ·        Close your eyes and ask the Lord, “Please show me who I need to forgive.”  What comes to mind?  Simply write down the name(s) that come to mind.  If there are more than one name, write down each name and leave space around it.  Later, you will be writing something else around and near the name. 
• ·        Sit for a significant amount of time and prayerfully consider if you can willingly forgive these names.  If you are struggling with the whole list (more than one person), then focus on one at a time.  Ask God for help: Lord Jesus, by Your Spirit, help me to forgive.  Lord, forgive through me.
• ·        When you feel ready to forgive at least one person on your list, then take some time and write down--- next to the name--- WHAT they did to you---as simple and succinct as you can.  (i.e. they ‘said ____’, they ‘did ____’, they ‘didn’t do’ ____…)  Do this with each person you are ready to forgive. 
• ·        Now take a prayerful minute, ask the Lord to help you know how this action made you feel.  Ask the Lord to show you WHY it hurt.  How did their action hurt you or why was it wrong.  Write it down.  (i.e.  “it made me feel unloved”, “I felt vulnerable”, “I was afraid”).  [it can be very helpful to use a feeling list to help, just google "feeling words list"]
• ·        After you have written the name, what they have done and how it impacted your heart, then pick up your paper and hold it out in front of you.  Show it to the Lord.  As you are holding it out, say (out loud if possible), Lord, do you see this? Father, You see what they have done and how it has hurt me.   Hold it there and ask again.  Sit with this for a moment. 
• ·        Can you give this to God and lay it down?  If you can, literally, lay it down… on the floor, or the table.  Physically let go of it.  Pray.  You may say something like:  Lord, I give this to you.  It is yours to deal with… I had it over to you, Lord.  I choose to forgive and offer grace.    If you can pray this out loud, it can be very helpful.  [If you can do this with someone you trust as a witness that can be helpful, too.  They can say:  “I witness your forgiveness”]
• ·        After some time, pick up the paper and, somewhere on the sheet, write out “Forgive one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
• ·        Tell God that you forgive each one and what you are forgiving them for.  i.e. Lord, I forgive ____ for saying _____, OR, I forgive _____ for making me feel insignificant. 
• ·         On each name, write “FORGIVEN” in big writing across the name.  
• ·        Take a few minutes and pray “blessing” for each of these you have forgiven.  i.e. “Father, bless her with peace.”  “Father, I ask she would know you.”  “Bless him with repentance.” 
• ·        Now, choose what you will do with this paper---some feel the need to keep it as a reminder.  Some feel the need to throw it out, to rip it up, or to burn it.  What do you need to do? 
• ·        As you close your time, ask the Lord to help you to know His love and forgiveness for you and to give you grace to walk in this release.  Tell Him you intend to hand it to him again and again, if it comes up  in your mind/heart. 
• ·        To strangle out any remaining anger toward a person, whenever you think of them, speak a prayer of blessing for them.  Blessing is the way Jesus gave us to walk in freedom from hate/bitterness. In the beginning they may come to mind A LOT, you will be blessing them many times a day!  But, it will lessen over time--- and you will feel free.  

 

·        Name              What they did                  How it made me feel                       Blessings for them

 

 

My Ballast

After a whirlwind, messy, upsetting dream filled with too many faces, too many needs, so many things to do and all while needing a shower and in my pyjamas for all to see... dreams are a funny things...  I woke up in a rough state of mind.  

Heart pounding, heavy laden and a hot mess...  I made my way down to my 'quiet time' space in the early morning hours.  As usual, I started my time by opening and playing "Pray as You Go".  Barely listening, the cob webs of faces and mouths that needed feeding began to clear away from my mind...  The dream waves began to slowly subside.  But, still, I began to think about the worries----the 'shoulds' and 'musts' and 'oughts'--- that had been pulling at me the past days.  Obviously, this dream was a good picture of the tugging of needs and my inability and struggle to get it all done.  

As my mind was tossed about by the litany of concern, I could feel my irritation and frustration mounting.  'Just leave me alone' was the feeling (is there one word for this 'feeling')!  I could feel my heart lament and the complaining beginning to rise.  Lord, I can't make everyone happy!  Father, I can't hold it all or feed them all or make them all right.  Maybe like my dear compatriot Elijah, I was basically saying... "I've had enough, Lord.  I am all alone here and these expectations just wanna kill me!" (big-time paraphrase from 1 Kings 19)  

Psalms of complaint and lament were welling up in my heart and waves were beginning to crash again 

...and then... in the background, the lovely voice on the Pray as You Go (oh! yeah... it had been playing the whole time while I ignored it) says, "If there is something that is a concern or a weight, maybe you want to ask the Holy Spirit to give you a different perspective".

A different perspective.  

Stephanie, can you ask Me for My perspective?  

Yes, Lord, I want Your perspective...  Please show me what is true and how to see this differently.  

Instantly, as I prayed, I could feel a slight shift.  One bite of manna and I was fed.  He answered and I was seeing just a bit differently.  It was like light shaft opened over my heart and brain and there was more balance and calm.  I was able to see the 'shoulds' that had been annoying me in a totally different light.  I began to see differently.   It was today's miracle!  

It was like my boat was thrown off kilter and the Holy Spirit was the ballast that brought me stability and centered me.   When I asked, He balanced me.  What a gift.  (Ballast is material that is used to provide stability to a boat.  Insufficiently ballasted boats tend to tip or heel excessively in high winds.)

On the heels of seeing a bit more clearly, I had two thoughts... 

   

First, how does anyone live life without the gift of God's Spirit bringing truth to their minds and hearts?  What a gift, Lord! 

And, then the second thought, ...oh! oh, man! I live my life all the time without the gift of God's Spirit bringing truth!  How often do I bounce around my day in a hot mess and heavy laden?  Lord, I need to do this even more!

Lord, help me to ask You for help more often.  Father, help me to abide in Your love, Your Presence and the gift of Your truth.  Spirit of God, thank you that you long to 'right me' and be my ballast.  I want to ask You more.  Teach me to pray!  

He offers us Himself as our ballast.  He offers Himself as my moment-by-moment answer to any whirlwind or hot mess I find myself in---awake or asleep.    

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #29 Peace

 Peace

Coins spilling out of a purse, 

over-filled and bursting.

An inheritance is mine,

more wealth than Solomon himself.

And yet, I walk often without shoes,

without my coat that keeps me warm.

Riches beyond reason,

legacy that surpasses understanding.

I have been given peace,

As a birthright, it is mine!

Enduring endowment to fill,

Reality to guard and satisfy.

Today, I will accept the ring, 

wrap myself in the robe.

Today, I will lean in and receive,

I will rest my head and lay on that pillow.

I will walk in the given gift,

Take a long needed nap on the boat. 

Written October 2020

"Peace I leave with you.  My peace I give you..." (John 14:17)

Mark 4:38-39

Philippians 4:7

Stop the Madness

I can get pretty locked up in my head.  My thoughts can be so busy, random, critical, and full-on.  Through the years, I have become more and more aware of this buzzing reality that can be my brain...  awareness has been key to freedom from it, for sure.

But, even attentiveness and practicing God's Presence, doesn't always stop the madness.  I can go from peaceful knowledge of God's now Presence and, in the blink of an eye, I find myself lost again in the fast paced brain buzzing.  Before I know it, I am locked in a cycle of hurried thinking--- way too much thinking and very unproductively.

I find that there are different ways or kinds of thought.  This cycle of buzzing is not helpful, it is harmful thought.  These busy, burdened and even berating thoughts are unproductive thinking.  They feel more like chaos than order.  They are filled with lies and falsehood instead of truth.  And, often they cause anxiety, as opposed to peace.  The enemies of my soul play a huge part in this battle---  the adversary and my flesh--- fighting against the love, joy, peace and patience of the Spirit.

I found myself in this very cycle this week.  It doesn't really matter the topic or topics of thought--- it is just that my mind is bursting with unproductive and busy thoughts.  Like Martha of old, I am "worried about a great many things". 

Psalm 84 caught my attention on Wednesday...  the whole of the Psalm.  But, also one particular phrase jumped at me with clarity.  "whose hearts are set on a pilgrimage...they go from strength to strength" (Psalm 84:5-7).  The Psalmists are talking about the Presence of God.  They are rejoicing in their experience of dwelling with Him--- or in Him, His temple. 

In this Psalm, the Sons of Korah, are sharing about the blessedness ('esher'=happiness) that is with those who remain and abide in God.  We know that, as His people, we are now His temple.  He dwells within us through His Spirit!  We, then, have this happiness always available to us.  We can abide in His love.  Always!

With the phrase "whose heart is set on pilgrimage" the Lord seemed to be reminding me that the direction I was pointed was important.  A pilgrim is going somewhere.  She is pointed in a very clear direction, with purpose in their journey.  I could feel the gentle rebuke of God's heart...  Where or to Whom is your heart, your mind and your soul pointed, Stephanie?  Where is your mind headed?  

In most cases, when my mind is buzzing with unproductive and unhelpful thought, I am most definitely pointed inward.  I am looking at me...  either in the negative, the positive, or just the practical... my eyes are downward or inward.  If I am not inwardly focused, I am focused just on my immediate earthly reality:  the very same "many things" that Martha was buzzing about.  I am headed in a circular race to get the next thing done, to fix this or that, only to start over again to fix the next thing and do this or figure out that.  It is a rat race in my head.  My own personal torture device!

The old adage comes to mind:  "Worry is like a rocking chair.  You move but go nowhere."

It is good to look up and out.  It is very good to stop--- to Sabbath ("to cease")---and look at Him.   It is not only good, it is essential and life giving.  I must stop the madness.  Just cease.  Just cease, sit, and ask myself, prayerfully, "What do you actually think?! What is true?"  In response to this question, I wrote in my journal today: I think and know He is---  and then followed it with all that He is---all that is True about my amazing God and Savior.

He is righteous.  He is good.  He is loving.  He is faithful.  He is covenant and steadfast.  He is wise.  He is aware.  He sees.  He knows.  He loves.  He judges rightly.  ... the list went on and on.

When I get locked in the hurried and heavy thinking of my running mind, this productive truth-thinking stabilizes me.  His truth---who He is, and who I am because of Him--- is an anchor for my soul and most definitely for my mind.  I can feel the order and equilibrium immediately.  This is indeed my "one needful thing" (Luke 10:42).  Every day.  Every moment of every day.

"You will keep in perfect peace all whose thoughts are fixed on You!" (Isaiah 26:3)

The Loaves

"Fraud alert!" is never a good email subject line.  Right?

Usually these alerts amount to nothing.  Something I did has triggered the credit card or bank alert system. But, not yesterday.  

Yesterday 1,000 dollars was taken from my bank account.  After seeing the alert, I logged into our bank and my savings account sat there staring at me with 0.08 cents as it's balance.  Black and white.  8 cents. The money was gone!   

In the following micro seconds, while staring at the 8 cents,  I had a fervent stream of  deep fear and worry.... my daughter's help for college, travel to my brother's wedding this summer, the car breaks...  AH!  How?!  NO!?!  

And then almost immediately the phrase came into my mind... understand and remember the loaves...

Quiet and whispered...  remember the loaves, Stephanie.  

The phrase floated over my consciousness, as I sat staring at my empty bank account, and I could feel a peaceful invitation.  Actually, maybe a smiling, happy invitation:  Come in... You need never be afraid.  You can be unmoved.  You actually can trust Me right now, too.  

Recently, my son and I have been discussing this "loaves" phrase from Matthew 6: 50-52 " Take courage!  It is I.  Do not be afraid.  Then He climbed into the boat with them and the wind died down.  They were completely amazed, for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hard"

Directly after watching Jesus feed five thousand people, the disciples get into a boat and get caught in rocky, difficult weather and water.  They are afraid.  Jesus walks to them on the water and that freaks-them-out maybe more!  The minute He gets in the boat, the water calms.  This surprised and shocked them, too.  What?  Jesus can do miracles?  What?  He can walk on water?  ...and in His presence, the wind dies down?!  It is almost as if this was the first time they had seen Him do miracles.  But it wasn't!! They had already seen so much.  In fact, He had JUST fed five thousand mouths in front of their eyes.  (with twelve left over baskets of fish and loaves, I might add!) 

But, their hearts were hard and they hadn't taken it in.  They hadn't understood.  They weren't remembering.  They were walking into this new situation---rough, tough seas and the ghost of Jesus--- and they were not translating His previous work to their difficult-now.  

How often do I do this?  How often do I forget?  

Oh! How many thousands of loaves has He given me and others I love!?!  Oh... how many answered prayers has He heard and answered.  He has lavished His very Self on and in me.  Years and years of fresh, daily miracles:  His power shown forth in food and the elements.  In the midst of difficult and the hard He has been present.    

In that early morning moment in front of my empty bank account, I stopped.  I hear you, Lord.  Almost with a slight giggle myself, I said out loud:  I understand the loaves, Lord!  I will remember and not harden my heart.   And, I left it.  ...not physically, of course.  There are phone calls and emails to be written---follow-up needed.  But, I left it emotionally.   I really left it.  

The whole day I left it.  Because of the time zone issue, there was nothing to be done till evening.  But, I dropped it and moved on in my day with peace and joy.  

With the trust, there was an implicit assumption and understanding that it may mean the money was gone for good, never to be recovered.  Sometimes God says, "No" to our requests.  He doesn't always give us physical loaves, to be sure.  Jesus never promises that the boat isn't going to rock!! 

If the money is gone for good...  Jesus, You've got this and You are with me!  

If it can be recovered... Jesus, You've got this and You are with me!  

I need never worry.  

I do worry sometimes.  And, I do harden my heart.  I don't always hear or respond to His peace-filled invitations.  But...  

Today, I understood the loaves.  

*In the end, the situation was sorted by the bank.  The money was returned.  There was indeed theft and apparently someone in New York had my debit card (even though I have it in hand here in the UK).  The joys of this dark and clever criminal world we live in!  But, in truth, all is well.  By the end of the day... all bread was back in the basket!  And I have plenty.    ...but, actually, in truth, I had plenty and enough when the bank account showed 0.08 cents.   

Comfort Food

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I am a hungry girl.

And, I love my comfort food.  Coffee.  Cakes.  Chips and Chocolate.  You?

I hunger for love and attention.  I hunger to be known.  I hunger for peace and quiet.  And, I hunger for rest.

The ways I have tried (and do try) to feed that hunger are wide ranging and numerous.  My "comfort foods" of choice vary in taste and color...  I attempt to use sleep and television.  I use people and reading good books.  I have also been known to plan and organize, to clean and order life.  I can use (and abuse) chocolate and peanut-butter.  Coffee.  Cakes and Chips.  What do you use?

The hunger in me to be at peace or to be known, heard and filled can be intense at times.  Like a craving that rises up from my gut.  It cries out and needs feeding.

Two days ago I opened God's word to Psalm 93 and read the first line.  "The Lord reigns" (Psalm 93:1).  Upon reading those words, in an instant, my hunger ceased.  In that moment, I sat with the words, trying to take them in.  Mulling, meditating, bathing in the truth of those words.

The Lord reigns. 

The Lord reigns.  

His Word---the Truth of who He is--- a meal for my hungry heart.

Yesterday, I opened the same Psalm.  I read the second line.  "...the Lord is robed in majesty and armed with strength; indeed, the world is established, firm and secure." (Psalm 93:1)

Better than chocolate.  Better than coffee...  better than a good night's sleep or a well ordered cupboard---my heart felt rest.  Even better than the best of friends.

As I mulled and sat with those words---whispering them under my breath.

The Lord is robed in majesty. 

Robed.  Majestic. 

The Lord is armed with strength.

Strong.  

The world is firm and secure.  

Ah, the comfort.  Ah the quiet that Scripture brings my heart.  This all knowing, reigning, strong God knows, sees and fills me.

The comfort food of God's Word never ceases to amaze me.  This hungry girl comes---even for just one short moment---and she is fed.

"I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; 

with singing lips my mouth will praise you." (Psalm 63:5)  

Old Habits Die Hard... Time to Chuck Em Out!

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How many of us wear the same old sweatshirt or slippers over and over again... simply because they are comfortable.  Or, known?

I  do. You?

And, maybe in the same way, I think I have gotten used to drama and chaos in my soul.  I've gotten comfy in my insecurities and snugly in my habits of relating badly. Have you?

In contrast, these last few months, I have sensed an increasing peace and quietness that is filling my heart.  I feel relaxed.  For anyone that knows me well... that is a huge statement.  I feel relaxed.

I feel more deeply relaxed than I think I have ever felt before.  A soul-relaxing is happening within me and I believe it is a miracle of the Spirit of God.  Years of praying for trust and faith to build... and a profound rest seems to pervade my soul.

Not that I don't have worried and fearful moments.  Not that I am without anger or sadness or frustration.  Of course not!  No, these are still with me.  Absolutely.

But, honestly, they seem to be situated or even "floating" on top of a firmer foundation- a foundation of rest and joy that God has been building in my life.

Interestingly, though, as I sit to ponder... I am aware of a new discomfort in my soul.  I realize that, if I am honest, I am a bit uneasy with this quiet, peaceful state of mind and heart.  It is as if the feeling of peace is bringing dis-quiet and discomfort.  It doesn't feel "right" or "natural".

Peace feels suspect.  I question it.  I'm skeptical.  Should I feel this calm?  What am I missing?  Is something around the corner?  ...Am I just in denial?  

I wonder and question and then I worry...  And, with the worry comes strange relief... Ah!  now, I feel "normal" and comfy again!    A bit crazy, I know!

I think I have gotten far to used to chaos and commotion in my soul.

Why would peace and joy be suspect and anxiety, guilt or irritability feel "comfortable"?  Or, just known?

I suppose that "wearing" these worries and sins and fears all my life has made them snugly and comfy to my soul... like stinky, wretched old slippers.  Do I actually miss the stirring and straining?

I think it is high time to throw out these noxious old slippers and settle into the new ones God has provided. This is the gift He gives me--- a gift He gives all His kids.  With salvation, He gives us a new normal.  Rest. Peace.  Freedom.  Joy.  All these things are mine to wear... every day.

Which will I put on today?

Born to War

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Early this morning, he came to me tired and discouraged.  He just wanted to go back to bed.  He was confused and foggy.   Doubt and dark thoughts swarmed in and out of his mind.

I have been there many times before!  Have you?

Sometimes when he feels this, though, I begin to feel afraid.  I worry.  I can't fix it.  I can't make him "feel" any different---or better.

"Is this spiritual attack, Mom?"  He asked knowingly.

"Yes, my love!"  Yes.  All of life is spiritual, my sweet boy.  And, in this spiritual life, sometimes we are attacked!

"We are born to war", I heard it said a few weeks ago.

Every moment of our every day is lived in the spiritual realm.  We war against our own flesh, the world, and the enemy of our souls, Satan and his demons.  Each of these is spiritual attack.  ...attack against our spirit and the Spirit of God within!  Yes, indeed, if you are discouraged and hopeless and confused and foggy...

Yes, this is part of the war you were born to, my sweet boy.

The Kingdom of Jesus is love, truth, peace*, joy and light.  The enemies of Jesus prowl around looking to devour life, love and joy.  They are seeking to kill hope and energy and peace.  (John 10:10)

"You know how to fight, my son", I reminded him.  He brimmed with tears...

How do you fight?  What is your pathway back to joy and truth---back to the awareness of Christ's Presence?  He knows.  He just forgot this morning. That is why we need each other.  Sometimes we just need a nudge and a reminder.

I gave my sweet boy a gentle nudge.  "Go worship, sweet boy!"...  "Get outside and lift your voice in praise". It was a suggestion, not a command.  He complied.  He put on his coat and gloves, donned his wellies and his hat and outside he went.

And, he worshiped God in word and in song.  

I sat quietly in my chair, with a lingering fear and concern, and prayed for him.  Choosing my own pathway to joy, I worshiped in prayer and through His Word.  "In you O Lord, my son is taking refuge.  Do not let Him be put to shame.  In Your righteousness rescue my boy, O Lord.  Deliver him. Be His rock again today. Please be his refuge."  (Psalm 71:1-3)

Red cheeked and bright eyed he came back inside a few minutes later.  He was literally leaping and bouncing with joy.  He told me that literally as he stepped outside and was choosing to go... he began to feel the joy and peace filling.  The darkness began to lift.

A battle won.  Thank you, Jesus! my heart sang.

What is your worship pathway back to joy and peace?  Is it musical song... Is it thankfulness?  Or, quiet prayer or reading His word?  Is it dancing or walking?  What step forward do you need to take today...

We are born to war.  

Help me Father to suit up and look to you to fight for me.  Help me to walk forward in worship today!  "As they began to sing and praise, the Lord set ambushes for their enemies" (2 Chronicles 20)



*I am writing here about an internal peace that passes understanding---something beyond our circumstances and trouble.  I am not suggesting a pain-free existence... instead a peace filled, joy-full living a midst pain and real troubles in this world.

Throwing Tantrums Today

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I get angry.  Sometimes I get really angry... and I throw a two-year-old tantrum.   This morning was one of those mornings.  In one silly moment, I quite literally held my fists in a ball and threw my head back with a loud "UUUGGHHH!"

Funnily, the healthier I have gotten as a person, the louder these 'outbursts' have become.  Weird.  I know.  But, true, none-the-less.  You see, for most of my life, my anger just seethed and simmered.  Undetected by most.  But very real to me. And, now, I am more aware of it's presence and I am more comfortable verbalizing how I am feeling.  My family is getting used to me saying, "I am feeling angry right now."  I don't feel I have to hide or pretend or be other than I am...  angry, at that particular moment.

It isn't that my anger is good or righteous.  Very, very rarely is that the case.  This morning it was utter frustration with a rather trite matter...  It was unrighteous and unhelpful, really.  I was simply irritable, annoyed and impatient.  And, therefore, angry.

After my toddler-tantrum this morning, I felt very unsettled.  The tantrum brought no peace.  In fact, in it's wake came more anger.  Now, I was angry at myself for my bad behavior.  It is good to be aware.  The outburst didn't help; but, the awareness did.  I could have seethed again... dug deep, pushed down the fresh anger and felt a day of shame.  I didn't.  I told God I was frustrated.  I told Him I was angry at myself and my response.  I asked Him for grace and forgiveness.

Praying my way through the morning... asking God what His thoughts were...  I think I might have heard His whisper...  "The Kingdom of God is within you" (Luke 17:21)  The Kingdom of God... Jesus's Kingdom of Peace and Light.  Refuge and Strength

Tender words.  These words wafted over my mind and I was reminded of the indwelling of the Spirit of God within me.  His Kingdom within... around... in the midst.

It was a sweet reminder that I have a place to run to when frustrated and irritable.  I have refuge within and around me...  My Rock.  When I am unsteady and impatient... I can turn and run inward to this place of peace---running to the Spirit of God within me.  He holds and carries and contains and fills.

A frustrated two year old has a choice.  I know because I have had two of them.  I distinctly remember saying to my two year old child, "Are you frustrated?  I see you are very frustrated...  Come here.  Let me help you.  Let me hold you."  When they chose refuge in my arms, they would find peace and calm and ...help.

I don't have to seethe and push it down.  I can acknowledge the true emotion.  I also don't have to outburst in rage.  In my anger, I don't have to sin.  I have another option.  I have the Kingdom of God within me!  I can take these raw and real emotions and run into a stable and constant place of peace... getting a hug and help.  I can confess and be made right...  I have big, beautiful arms to run into.  Right in that moment.

Menu of Choice

What we choose to eat matters to our overall health and well being.  We all know this.  Scientific research tells us that our physical, emotional, and mental health are all effected by the foods we eat---for good or bad.
We have a choice what we put into our bodies.  And, our choices matter.

God has given us choice in our spiritual lives, as well--- this is clear from Scripture.  He has given us a part to play...an invitation to join Him and His work in the world.  We are not robots, or trees, and we a not an animal led by instinct...  we have choice.

"Draw near to God", His word says, "...and He will draw near to you."
"Abide in My love", He tells us.
"Choose this day whom you will serve", His heart invites His children to choose life and love.

What choice will I make today?  What choice now, in this very moment?

Reading in Psalm 85 this morning, I was struck by Psalmist vocalizing his choice:  "I will listen to what the Lord will say...  He offers His people peace...and I will choose it... I will listen."

I will listen.   This is a choice.

When there are so many voices vying for our attention, we must make this choice each day.  I must make this choice...  what will I listen to?  Who will I listen to?

God has given us a part.  Is faith and peace and joy and grace a gift from Him?  Yes, absolutely!  Each one a free gift from His heart to mine.  Will He perfect my faith?  Yes, absolutely!  Perfecting faith is not my job; only He can do it, to be sure.  But, God has given us a choice. He has given me a part to play.

Like eating physical food, I really have no say in how well my digestive system does it's job.  This mysterious process happens within me, without my help.  My stomach works to extract nutrients and transfer needed things to my cells, ect.  I don't have much say in the process at all!  But, I do indeed have a choice as to what food I put into my body--- to aide in the process.  I have a part to play.  Certainly, if I cram my body full of junk or poisons it will disrupt the healthy, mysterious God ordained process of my digestive system.

So, I believe, is our part in the journey of our soul.  We have a choice to "eat" Truth and "feast" on God.  I have a choice to believe... rehearse what is True and turn my ear toward His voice.

No, I don't author faith---that is abundantly clear!  And, I don't perfect faith.  That is God's job---His job alone.  But, I can respond.  I can invite... I can share... I can feed my faith and his faith and her faith.  I can choose good "food" to aid in the God-alone-process of grace given, faith received and peace felt.

So, today I will choose to listen to what the Lord says to me.  He offers me peace.  What a sweet offer!!

I choose peace.

And, I will choose not to return to folly--- I will reject that junk food of "worry" or that diet of "fear". (Psalm 85:8)

Resting Running

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I feel rushed here.

I just feel like I need to run, to hurry, to get to the next thing.  ...to do more.

Being on home assignment (or furlough) will do that... the schedule is tight, the opportunities to visit with people are way-beyond time and space...  But.

But, it seems more than that.  I felt as I flew into LAX, I flew into a cloud of fast-paced hurriedness.

Is it me or do Americans rush around like crazy?

Not that my schedule at home isn't full, but I just feel it here.  Like a blanket that seems to surround or descend, I feel pushed, pulled and rushed.

And it isn't really about the schedule, or the busy-ness, ...it is about my heart.  It is about the state of my heart.

Rest in God alone.  Rest in My love.  This, I know, is what my Father calls me to--- this is the Great Invitation.

I can rest in His love, His sovereignty and goodness, and in His timing. ... His timing.  Does God rush?

It reminds me of that lovely scene in Princess Diaries, where the queen is "late" and she is mildly rebuked by a servant, who is attempting to help her queen along, "to not be late."   In this scene, the queen comes calmly and graciously into the room and remarks, "The queen is never late!  Her subjects have just arrived early."  This same queen later encourages her protégée granddaughter to remember that she is a princess.  And, that "Princesses, never rush.  They never run...".  This is what has been echoing into my heart the last few days.

Stephanie, princesses never run.  They never rush.  You are a princess.  I am the King.  And, I am never late!  


I don't know what to attribute the rushed, fast-paced feeling to... is it cultural, circumstantial, or simply a spiritual stronghold?  I don't know.  But, I do know that it is contrary to the rest He is calling me to.

Not that I believe that we are called to "non-busy-ness" exactly... I just believe we are called to a state of rest, in the midst of life and busy stuff.  And I believe that a restful, peaceful heart is never rushed.

I have felt rushed.  Pushed and harried.

I choose to settle down this moment into His love.  I choose to do only that which He puts before me right now, not worrying about tomorrow.  And, I chose to rest in Him.

And, in about 45 minutes, I need to be out the door and off again to the next thing.  But, I don't have to run out the door.  I don't have to rush.  I can calmly, graciously walk.   In my heart, in my soul, I can trust my King.  ...pushing back the pull and pressure to run.

Crash Landing into the New Year

I remember I used to call it the "crash" in college.

Working my way to a deadline, or running hard up to the exam---then the day after said exam, my body would just crash.  For all intensive purposes, I would "fall apart" and physically let down, often getting sick with a cold or a winter virus.  It was as if my body was saying, "Enough!  We are done now."

I remember the haze that would descend.

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This "crash" seems to come with a smoke or fog that can block out energy and joy:  clouds that confused truth.

Do you ever feel foggy, confused or clouded?

This last week has been a bit of a crash week for me.  ...winter virus and all!

Put behind me were the tender, beautiful lessons learned during the Advent season.  Close behind me were the many sweet moments with family, the good food, and Christmas gifts given and received.  And when Monday morning came, I seemed to shut down.  I can't really explain it... I felt tired, and sick.  I felt distant and out-of-sorts.  I felt irritable and yet emotionally hard inside.

Not that anyone from the outside would even have known.  I still cooked, laundered, and visited with friends.  ...an internal struggle--inside fog.  My mind, my heart and my body had seemed to slip away into a mist and a haze of half-living.

What is this about?  I still can't really get a handle on all that was going on as the beauty faded from Christmas silence and the Presence I sensed during Advent.

...but it was real and felt disheartening.

The heart is fickle, isn't it?

And, I am desperately needy.  In fact, I realize my neediness more and more as I grow in faith and knowledge of the Lord.  I really am quite a mess without Him.  Without His kind, faithful, loving and persistent hand of grace, I am ...  I am a wreck.  A crashed wreck of emotions, insecurities, failures, questions, needs and longings.

Yesterday, I finally opened my mouth and began articulating my internal state to my husband (who by the way had noticed!)  Just talking about it helped.

But this morning a brighter light began to dawn into my tired mind.  Pushing out the clouds and haze, the words of Truth flickered into my soul.  Something of the life of Scripture jumped off the page and caressed my cheek, awakening the real, alive-Stephanie.

It was a simple statement of prophecy regarding my future...  our future.  Your future.  The whole of Isaiah chapter 60 was like cool water for my thirsty soul, but verse 17 sprung with life from the page:

"Peace will be your Governor and righteousness your ruler".

My mind and my body need a good ruler over them, to be sure.  This hazy crash and this arbitrary "okay-ness" needs something keeping it in order, pulling the pieces back together.  ...and Peace is the perfect thing!

Peace.

The rightness, holiness, and perfectness of God's peace will rule over me and keep me together--- make me whole!

This is what He offers me ...in the future, but also in the now.  Today.

He whose mind is on Him will be kept in perfect peace.  So, today,... starting this New Year... I choose, once again, to turn my mind, my body and my heart toward Him!  He breathes in and through me, sending the haze away and awakening my soul to His gifts to me--- Himself, the Peace that governs me!

Silence and Noise

"We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature--trees, flowers, grass--- grow in silence; see the stars, the moon, and the sun, how they move in silence. We need to be silent to be able to touch souls. ~Mother Teresa

Life includes a lot of noise, doesn't it?

Not all the noise is a bad thing, for sure! Some of the noise---maybe even most of the noise---is beautiful and a deep joy!

...My kids play, songs and laughter ...The noise of the piano practice ...phone calls and friendly visits ...rain on the windows ... and the noise of the washing machine. All these are blessings. All gift-noise in my life.

Last night the wind whipped loudly through the street outside my window. It was strong and loud. The wind's activity was loud enough to wake me. It's noise powerful enough to break through the double glazed window in my room. And, it wasn't an unwelcome noise, or a "bad" noise. Not really. When I hear or see the wind here, I am often moved to worship and in awe at our wind-Creating, wind-Controlling Father in Heaven!

But, it did disturb my sleep. Even the wind, not a 'bad' noise, was a disturbance none-the-less.

Silence in my life is necessary. I must sit and be still. If I am to hear the thoughts in my mind, the movements of my spirit or the motives of my heart... I have to listen. We must take time to listen. And, silence takes time... it is more than just one moment.

I must choose it. As much as possible, at times, I must walk away from and put a stop to the noises of life.

But, silence is far beyond simply ridding myself and my surroundings of external noise. I believe it is much more than that. I believe God invites us to something much deeper within. I think He invites His children to a different silence, a Spiritual-soul silence.

As I have shared I suffer with tinnitus... a constant, multi-toned, constant, high-pitched, (did I mention constant) ringing in my ear... So, for all intensive purposes, I can never really rid myself of noise.

Oh! but, I can!? And, that is what He is showing me. Silence is deeper. Deeper within...

Yes, it means I must still choose an actual quiet moment (or moments) in my day. It means taking time to sit, to be still, to think and to ask Father to search... but, it is more than that... it is a soul silence I need to seek, to develop, to ask for within. Within and throughout. A silence that I can walk in all day long.

This is what I am asking for today. I am asking for this life of the Spirit, deep within, that allows for deep, abiding silence while the washing machine is going, the piano practice is in full swing, and while the wind howls outside. This silence is what I need and long for.

For, "where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom" (2 Corinthians 3:17)

And, "the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace." (Romans 8:6)

Freedom. Life. Peace.

What an invitation we have from God, who is Spirit! What a glorious, beautiful invitation!

I will look for You, today, Father... You, God Almighty, friend of silence. You, giver of freedom, life and peace. Today, I will look within for where You dwell in me, for I am Your temple. And, by Your grace, I choose to walk by Your Spirit... to seek You beyond the noises of life and mind. Thank you, Jesus, for opening the way. Thank you, Jesus!

No man can hinder our private addresses to God; every man can build a chapel in his breast, himself the priest, his heart the sacrifice, and the earth he treads on, the altar.  ~Jeremy Taylor (1613)

What do you long for?

Equilibrium. Rest. Peace and quiet.

This, I think, is what I truly long for. As I have pondered the words of Jesus, What do you want?, and I have asked Him to reveal my hidden longings... this is what comes bubbling up from within.

What do I want, Jesus? I want to be at peace. I want rest and order. I want quiet and simplicity. I want equilibrium.

Is this a sinful longing? I don't think so. I am asking God this very question. And, I believe it is a God-given desire, actually,---a longing that He gives and that He can fill.

I wonder if many or most of our real, hidden longings... if we reach back and deep in... are the longings created in us by Him and for Him to answer.

What do you want, I wonder? What do you really long for?

Is your longing "connection"? Purpose. To feel special or adored? To serve. Or to receive? To be seen or to be happy?

...to be at rest, like me?

Like the shape of our noses, or the color of our eyes... our longings are all different--- and yet, the same.

And, our longings are a sometimes very mixed up, aren't they? Mine are.

Like a mixed ball of string, one thread of the longing is godly and right; while the other threads, are mixed motivation and flesh strategies... and sin... all mixed in. What is what?

"...our desire for equilibrium can become an idolatrous attempt to deny a large part of what life is all about... the Psalms robustly deal with life as it really is and find God in disorientation as well as in harmony. We need to comprehend that there is no place where God is not" ~Elizabeth Canham

When does my longing for rest become idolatry? When does your longing to be heard, to be noticed, to serve, or to be loved stop being about God-given desires and become a 'god' in-and-of-itself?

I think, at least in part, our longings get off-the-mark when we try to accomplish them ourselves. We try to get them, or do them, on our own. A mentor helped me think through this yesterday with the question, "How and when do I try to make it happen?" When am I trying to fulfill my longing.

What are my learned behaviors, strategies, and coping mechanisms that work hard to "get it"on my own? In my flesh I can try to make it happen... just in case God doesn't show up!

Just in case this God-given longing is not filled by God (somewhere deep within I still 'hedge my bets') I do this-n-that to make sure my longings are filled. Day in and day out, am I even this aware of my heart?

And, then when it doesn't work... which it never really does!!!... I then tend to drift into my escape or "self-medicating" acts and mechanisms--- that is where the over-eating, the over-watching, over-sleeping, over-worrying, or over-playing might happen. Then, I feel badly or shameful about this sinful behavior.

When actually, it was the four steps prior,--- the steps of thought, or more acceptable acts of flesh that are the deeper root of the problem: the four steps prior that didn't work and didn't bring fulfillment for my longings.

The idolatry of heart that didn't fulfill fails and so I might run to the other escapes.

Okay, so I want equilibrium and rest. So, my planning. My ordering. My organizing and cleaning. My list-making and my sorting-of my children (and attempt to sort-out and control my husband) are ways that I attempt to get this rest, to fulfill my longing.

These prior acts of behavior and thought can all be an attempt to make it happen ... all in the effort to get that rest, that peace-of-mind, that I am longing for...apart from God.

So, is the answer to stop those behaviors. Should I stop cleaning, organizing and planning? I don't think so. I don't think the answer is about not doing the laundry!

It is about the heart. It is about my heart... your heart.

My mentor asked me, "What are you leaning into?... what is it that you put your weight into?"

"When you feel a bit overwhelmed, or out-of-control, or tired... where is your heart running to?"

Running to.

Leaning into.

Resting in...

Equilibrium and rest. Peace and quiet. Only He can fulfill this deepest desire in my soul.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him." Psalm 62:5

"This is what the Sovereign Lord says: In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it." Isaiah 30:15

Stolen Moment

Sometimes I just get really tired. Today I felt this way.

There are days when my body, my mind and my soul feel fatigued. This morning I felt this way.

Things to do. People to see. Places to go. Things to do....

When I feel exhausted I tend to begin to disengage and I can be easily frustrated or agitated. This morning I felt this way.

As the morning moved on, I felt the angst increasing and my head just felt heavy. And, then, for a moment... a short moment, maybe 10 minutes... I found myself alone in the kitchen. And, in that moment, I felt I had a choice. I truly felt the call, or invitation of the Lord, to sit with Him. I knew He was giving me a "stolen moment" with Him.

And, I took it.

There were many things I could have chosen to do instead. I could have made my hands, my mind and my heart busy with many things. But, today I chose wisely. I chose the one needful thing! (and, I write this as a statement of victory, because frankly I don't often make that wise choice!)

I plopped my rear-end into the kitchen chair and just sat. ...purposefully. I sat in Him purposefully. I sat and worshiped Him. I reflected and prayerfully soaked in His love. I listened for His voice. I asked for His forgiveness. I asked for His help and His filling, His Spirit. I spoke out (quietly!) words of Truth and who I am in Christ. With Christ's name, I fought a few spiritual battles and told that "angst and frustration" to take a hike if it was from my enemy.

10 minutes given to me as a gift. 10 minutes of stillness. 10 minutes of a love-feast, a stolen moment, a rendezvous with my God. 10 minutes of "the one needful thing" and I was at peace.

What a God we have! What a Father! What a Savior and Friend! What a Counselor and Healer!

I was at peace. ...still a little tired, yes; but, filled and at peace. And, this wasn't taken from me all day today.

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many thing but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41,42

"The real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it.

It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. A

ll your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals.

And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back, in listening to that Other voice, taking that other point of view…

Letting that Other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in.

And so on, all day.

Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings and c

oming in out of the wind.” ~C.S. Lewis

A Different Sort of Healing

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"The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear. And, I don't know the reason You brought me here. But, just because you love me the way that you do... I am going to walk through this valley, if You want me to". ... the beautiful song lingers in the background.

Tears roll down my cheeks as I fry the eggs and listen. I can't see very well, anymore, as the water fill my eyes and spills out. Using my dishtowel I wipe my eyes, so that I can flip the egg and pop the toast from the toaster.

I had pain again last night. Difficult, debilitating pain that kept me from sleep. Father, what am I supposed to do? Clearly, I haven't been healed... Has the reaching out done me any good, I wonder.

But my wonder only lasts a short moment as the song continues to minister to my soul, my mind, my heart... "It may not be the way I would have chosen... but, you never said it would be easy. You only said, I'll never go alone." ...my heart prays with the song. Tears continue to roll as my children pound down the stairs and into the kitchen for breakfast.

Sweet-girl enters, sees the tears and comes in for a hug. Questioning on her face, she hugs tight. I enjoy the embrace, hand her the plate of eggs and tell her, "Mom has 'momma pain' today". She knowingly smiles with compassion in her eyes and then hears the song in the background. ...and hugs me again.

And, I whisper into her ear the words of the song, "You only said, I'll never go alone!".

I ask them as they begin to dig-in, Can I start it over again? Can we all listen together?

We listen together. A holy silence as we eat. They let me just listen and eat eggs while tears roll down my cheeks.

The song continues as we all listen to it's closing. "When I can't hear you answer my cries for help, I will remember the suffering that your love put you through... and I will go through the valley if you want me to."

Ann Voskamp in her book, One Thousand Gifts, writes about the well known "healing of the lepers" story (Luke 17). She discusses the healing that takes place for all ten lepers.... their physical healing or "cleansing". And, she writes about the second kind of healing that happens to the one that returns. Jesus says to this one thankful-returnee, "Your faith has made you well".

Wait a minute, here! But, I thought they were already healed, she wrestles. In this journey of discovery, she shares about this Greek word, "sozo". This "made you well" that Jesus speaks is a "sozo-healing" (Luke 17:19). This word apparently wears the meaning of "made whole"; a healing that points to a deeper, fuller, soul-kind-of healing. This sozo healing is received by the one thankful leper on-top of the physical cleansing already received.

I am moved and realize that I have been asking for healing... thinking all the while of the first type. I want physical healing. But, as I sing true surrender over fried eggs, "I will go through the valley if you want me to", I realize I am receiving healing. Deep healing, "sozo" healing.

It is well with my soul. Somewhere deep within, I am expanding. My faith in His goodness, His love, His plans is growing and I feel more whole today ...with the tears ... than I ever have. I feel His Presence and know His touch. Pain or no pain. I am healed within ...deep within. He is healing me, just as I asked when I "reached-out" to touch His hem.

I still don't know what is ahead of me as far as my body is concerned. But, somewhere deep, I feel certain of His love and His care over me. I sense that peace which surpasses understanding. And, this is sweet.

So, although the pathway is broken and the signs are unclear, Lord. I will walk through this valley if you want me to!

You are not through with me yet! Beautiful.

Angry Storms

It says in Matthew 8, that the storm came up without any warning. No warning. The disciples were just boatin' along and whamo... a storm.

Do you ever feel that way?

It says that the storm was furious. The storm was mad. An angry storm came upon them without any warning. They weren't ready for it. And, when it came... it was angry.

Isn't this how some circumstances feel in our lives sometimes?

When these storms come up... that fevered child at midnight, that unexpected medical bill, that loneliness hits, that nasty look from your pre-teen, that sick family member, that temptation tugs, or that "one more thing!" that has to be done today...

When these storms come without warning and with fury, we respond just like the disciples did in rocking, tussled boat.

The storms hit, large or small, and we cry out!! "Help! Save me!"

And, then, our next natural response is to prophecy. Don't we look at the wind, the waves, and the rocking boat and our future goes all dark and dreary. We predict our bleak future, "We are going to drown!" (Matthew 8:25)

I am going to drown here! Do you ever say that?

These are real problems. And, sometimes waves mean disaster. Storms can hurt. This storm in Matthew 8, was dangerous. In Luke, the same storm is discussed and true, eminent danger is written about.

It was scary. It was actually dangerous.

And, we get afraid. We scream, "Help me!" and we can only see dismal and dark ahead.

... that fever hurting that child, that bill not being paid, that sick family member dying, that never-ending and forever loneliness, that pre-teen rebelling, that fall to temptation, and that "one more thing" not getting done... or us breaking under the weight of it all. We only see and think, "we are going to drown!!"

The truth is, though, while we do need a mild rebuke... as did the disciples, "you of little faith. why where you so afraid!" (vs. 26). While we need a repositioning of perspective and light shown into our minds, hearts and souls; what we really need... and what He gives us... is deliverance. We need Him to show up, to stand up! We need to be reminded of Who He is, that One in the boat with us.

We need Him to speak. We need Him to rescue us.

We need His voice to speak to that furious storm and say, "shhh!". We need Him to get up and say to that angry wave, "Be still".

And, that is exactly what He does when we cry out. When we say, "Help. Save us!". He does speak. He stands up and rebukes the angery waves. He tells them to "Shut up" for a moment.

And, in that moment, everything in our souls goes "completely calm". Complete and utter calm. Perfect peace. ...

The water did stir again after those words from Jesus. Other storms rose up and waves roared in anger again on that lake. But, for that moment, ... for that sweet moment in time, Peace reigned and all was still. All was well. And, this is what we need. And, this is what He gives.

Do you ever feel this way?

My sweet Jesus. My brother. My friend. Thank you that You are Prince of Peace. Thank you for showing up, for standing up and telling those waves to be quiet for a while. Thank you for rescuing me and my friends from the storms around us. We are desperate for you. We need You! We need Your voice. We need Your presence.