Fix it, Lord.

A wedding is a place to laugh, to mingle, and to relax.  ...unless something goes terribly wrong!  I remember being at my sister's wedding and walking into the reception hall, only 5 minutes before all the other guests, to find her wedding cake in three layered pieces in a pile on the ground.  What do you do in that moment!?  This is a serious problem to fix and we have five minutes.

This must have been what Mary was feeling at the wedding feast in Cana.  (John 2:1-12)  She saw a big problem and needed it fixed... right now!  

...so she did the very best thing she knew to do.  She asked her son.  She asked the son that she trusted. Even if he wasn't the Maker of the world, she may have asked him in any case.  But, she also knew who He was.  She had treasured in her heart the words spoken about him for 30 plus years.  She knew and had believed as He began to gather his disciples around Him.  

Mary did the best things she could think of... she asked Jesus to fix it.  

I love Mary's boldness here.  What beautiful faith she placed in Jesus!!  

...faith in His character as a son and as a person.  

...faith to know He would respond to her.  

...faith that He could and would handle it.  

She didn't come to Him with a solution.  She just told Him the problem.  Then, she watched, waited and told others to do what He said.  

The other day I saw a big problem.  It was a very practical problem that I had trouble seeing any answer for.  ...I didn't even know 'how' to pray.  I had no solution. I just knew it was a problem!  It was 2 in the morning, as I shifted in my bed, that the thought came...  Father, would you please fix this.  Here's the problem.  Please have Your way and fix it for me.    

...and He did.  In fact, in the next few days following, God fixed the situation in a way I would never have even imagined or asked.  He, essentially, turned water into wine for me.  

I doubt Mary imagined Jesus turning water to wine to fix her problem.  Who would have even guessed that would have been His answer!? She didn't know the solution.  She just came and trusted her son to solve the problem.  Fix it, Jesus.  

Lord, make me more like Mary was...  may I place my faith in You the solver.  May I have increased faith in Your character... God, You as my Father, Jesus---You as a brother, Spirit---You as my counselor....  May I know that You hear me. You will respond,.  Help me watch and wait as you fix the problems in Your way and Your time!  

What does freedom look like?

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When talking about our fragile bodies, the word "mass" is never a good word. Mass is just a bad, bad word.

When the word mass comes with a measurement of length and depth and is found in your 17 year old daughter's abdomen... well, it is an absolutely sickening, horrid word.

She had been in pain.  We knew that the daily pain had been increasing... with frequency and intensity.  But, you just never expect.  We didn't expect it.

On January 14th, they found a mass in my daughter's upper abdomen.  The ultrasound tech poked, prodded and spent an extra 20 minutes measuring and trying to discern the realities of this mass.   In that beautifully new, pristine white, sterile, cold room, the doctor explained that there was a 3.6 cm x 3.5 cm x 1.5 cm mass.  He showed us the sonogram---there it was, plain as day...even to an untrained eye.   It needed more investigation and he scheduled a CT scan for the following day.

The next 48 hours was a wild mix of emotions.

We were in a different, foreign country.  We had only arrived the day before.  My husband was scheduled to speak at a 400 person conference in Asia on the topic of "Freedom".

Freedom.

For the past three months, as he had been preparing his lessons for the conference, it had become our family mantra, "What does freedom look like in this, Lord?"  ...when my email account is failing, when my friend is in depression, when my unsaved family member is in the hospital, when I spill beetroot juice on my white sweater, when the university decisions for our kids hang in the balance, when we are grieving the upcoming launch of our girl.... In these things, small and large, what does freedom look like?  

In jet-lag, in shock, in someone else's home.  With this news... what did this mean?  What was next? The mantra question just hung there around us, whispering into my soul.

What, Lord, does freedom look like in the midst of this?  

After we sent out an email to let our prayer partners know of the mass... the email responses began to come in.  Our friends, so many of our friends, were standing with us.  Praying, they wrote.  One after another wrote to us and told us, "We are praying!"  Our family, our friends... they were praying for us. These emails were a sweet balm.  As they came into our inbox, we read them together, prayed and felt the comfort of Father's kids worldwide standing in the gap.  Asking.  Pleading. Praying.

Our friends who live in this foreign land---they cooked for us, shuttled us to and from the hospital, prayed with us.  Laughed with us.  Cried for us.

Freedom looked like being the weak ones---the ones in desperate need of prayer and help.  Freedom looked like the comfort of the Body of Christ.  Freedom looked like unhindered asking... His kids knowing God's heart, His power and the possibilities asking on our behalf.  

For those who follow this blog regularly, or know me personally, you will know I am not a big "crier".  I don't cry easily.   I have often said that I have plenty of tears inside, they just don't seem to make their way out of me!  My crying friends  (which tend to be some of my favorite people) know that I envy them.  I tell my free-to-cry friends often what a gift their tears are to me.  If only... If only I could cry like that!

These past months, though, something beautiful has been shifting in me.  I finally asked a free-crying-friend to pray for me.  I asked her to ask the Lord to give me the gift of tears.  He has been answering.  Slowly but surely, I am crying!  ...weeping, in fact, at times.  I rejoice in this health.  I am still not a "crier"...and I don't anticipate that my personality will change... but, I am more free to allow the heavy, hard, tear-filled pain come and have it's way.  I am finding freedom to feel. Freedom to be sad---deeply sad---I am finding freedom to cry.

What, Lord, does freedom look like in the midst of this?

So, with this horrid, terrifying news, I quietly excused myself to the guest room...and I wept.  I wept freely and with faith that He was with me, He was hearing.  Lament in the purest form... I poured out my heart in tears to the Lord.  Pain,    pain,    pain... that was all the words that came with the tears. Just deep pain.

My baby girl.  My darling baby girl.

Pain. Pain. Pain.

Freedom in the Lord looked like pain and tears for me that night.  Freedom looked like feeling. Lament and surrender wrapped up in pain... there was deep freedom.

48 hours of deep pain...  waiting, watching, feeling...

As we waited in the hospital for the next poke, the gross green-colored juice to drink, and the IV... my daughter began to sing a song.  I don't remember what song it was... but it was quiet and it was worship.  It was surrender.  We joined her and sang.  A quiet singing in the busy, bustling hospital room. Freedom looked like surrender.  Freedom looked like worship.

On January 16th, the very same doctor looked at us and shook his head, shrugging his shoulders.  He said he couldn't explain the discrepancy.  The mass was gone.  The CT scan showed a clean, pristine, beautiful abdomen.  No mass.  No problems.  All was "healthy and good" in my girl's abdomen, he said.

It's a miracle!  I said this without really thinking.  It just popped out of my mouth as an exclamation. "We asked Jesus to take it away!" I told him.  He just shrugged his shoulders and smiled.  "There is no mass," he said.

No mass, he said.  These are good, good words.

We walked away with two CDs in our hands:  an ultrasound with a mass and CT scan without a mass.  Walking away with a documented miracle, and deep relief, my daughter and I jumped, danced and cried in the hospital!  Right there in that place, we freely expressed our joy.

Freedom looked like proclamation and witness.  Freedom looked like profession of joy, praise and worship---  Dancing and crying and hugging... looking a bit "mad" I am sure to any on-looker.

As we exited the hospital, aware that we wouldn't be back anytime soon, the phrase came into my heart... He said "yes!"

He said yes...  

I knew that freedom looked like receiving and rejoicing in His "yes" to our asking, our praying, our pleading.  Freedom looked like knowing He sometimes says "no"... but, today, He said yes.   Trusting Him for His answers.  The freedom to ask and to trust His kind, His all-knowing heart...

In this... In this there is freedom.

What Lord does freedom look like in this?  

...freedom looked like being exactly who I am with and in Jesus.  ...Needy and weak.  ...Honest and real.  ...it looked like surrender and worship.  Weeping. lamenting, rejoicing and laughing.  ...freedom looked like asking, hoping, pleading, expecting.  ...freedom looked like receiving and proclaiming.  ...witnessing and trusting.

You Lord, present in the the unknown, the scary, the painful,  the "no" and the "yes".  You, Lord, Present in the lament, the worship and the joy...  You, Lord, are our freedom.  
You are freedom, Jesus.  You.

It is for freedom that I am set free.... (Galatians 5:1)

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom... (2 Corinthians 3:17)

Missin' the Miraclulous

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At least three times a day I might just miss a miracle.

From fork to mouth, often without really thinking deeply about the realities of provision, I eat.  I know (somewhere solid and certain), in my head, that God has provided this food for me.  His provision is a gift.  But, how often is that provision a miracle?  How often do I miss the miracle of His gifts?

Reading together as a church Sunday morning in Mark 6:30-44, we were reminded of this truth of miraculous every-day-provision.  Jesus sees a hungry crowd and His very hungry disciples.  He knows they are in need.  Jesus sees this, not with disdain or as a bother, but with compassion.  He gets it.  He gets it and then He does something about it.

"He knows you need these things!"  (Luke 12:22-34)

Jesus takes a few loaves and some fish and feeds at least 5,000 mouths.  All the while, the crowd is told to sit down and eat.  Eat and enjoy!  Be satisfied.  So, they do.  They sit and have a nice little picnic, food slowly-but-surely distributed among them. In reality, they don't have a clue what is going on behind the scenes.  We get no indication that they are told that Jesus just miraculously expanded a few loaves of bread by, at least, 1,000 times.  They just miss it.  Hand to mouth provision and they don't see a thing.  They just eat.

Sitting comfortably, eating until they are satisfied... they simply enjoy a meal.  They enjoy a miracle and haven't any notion that heaven just moved and laws of nature shifted to provide the food that warms their stomachs.   They miss the miraculous.

How often are the heavens shifting for my belly, I wonder?  ...for my hunger and my thirst?

I don't want to miss it.  Open my eyes, Lord.  I want to see more!  Help me to see Your miracles every day.  Help me to walk aware and in awe of your daily provision of bread.  You are my good, good Shepherd.  

"Blessed are you, Lord our God, King of the Universe, who brings forth bread from the earth."  ~Jewish Prayer

Acceptance NOT acquiescence

For weeks now I have been reaching out and asking God to heal me. And, for weeks, I have been wrestling with what this faith might look like. Father and I have had many long, good, sweet conversations about faith and about hope for healing. What might it look like for Him to heal me?

The divine faith I felt a few weeks back... that "woosh" of faith, left after the first day. The super-filled-feeling of faith came in a very real instance; and, then the road has been one of trusting, asking and reaching out. The fight to keep faith, to keep hoping, and to be expectant has been difficult. But that is another blog, I suppose.

Last night I had pain. I had significant pain last night. And with pain came discouragement and sadness. Okay, my heart lamented, it is clear that He didn't heal me! The barrage of doubt and hopelessness assailed my heart and mind. Intense was the disappointment and doubt. Did I really even hear Him at all that day? Did He call me to reach out in faith?

In my journal I wrote, "Fear, worry, sadness, doubt, and anger all crouch at my door. They nudge me, they poke my heart!"

Oh! the struggle of faith and hope. How is it that one keeps hoping, trusting, believing that all things are possible... while at the same time accepting from the Father's hand pain and suffering, which He does allow and He uses (clearly in Scripture)? The tension of knowing that today, today!, I could be healed AND today He might allow pain... that tension is beyond-words difficult to hold. It is so much easier to slide to one side or the other rather than stay strained in the middle of it.

This morning His word to me was like a light into this darkness. This morning as I sat, as I listened, as I looked and asked Him for His truth ... He spoke deeply and directly to my heart. His words jumped of the page and slapped me in the heart. Awakening me from the slippery slope of discouragement, He awoke me with a kind slap. A kind, love-filled discipline came out from His word and to my heart.

Jesus says to Peter in Matthew 16:15... or does He say it to Stephanie (I could swear this was written for me, spoken to me this morning!) ... "But, what about you? Who do you say I am?"

Earlier in the chapter he rebukes the Pharisees for demanding a sign and tells them the only sign He will give is his resurrection. Then, He asks Peter what people are saying about Him. Peter answers Him. And, then He asks Peter ..."what about you?"

Stephanie, What about you? Who do you say I am?

With Peter, and with tears, I say to the my brother Jesus, "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God!"

And He whispers, "Is this enough?"

Yes, Lord Jesus! Your resurrection. Your saving blood. You are the Son of God... and that is enough for me! I will not demand anything else from You! What You have done in my heart, in my life, ...on the cross .. is enough!! I say, YES! You are the Christ, the Son of the living God!

After this beautiful interchange this morning, I opened a small, tender book written by Amy Carmichael, Roses From Brier. Her first words in Chapter 3 made tears stream: "pain, like sin and cruelty, is the work of the enemy. If it were not so we should, I think, have no right to resist it." (p.27)

Yes! my heart cried. Pain and suffering are "not as it should be!". This death entered our Father's perfect world with rebellion and sin. It is not as it should be!! Isn't that what our hearts cry out when we hear of pain and suffering. And, I think He agrees!

And, yet, there is a "peace in acceptance" (p.27) that allows for the truth that our kind Father "shall sit as a refiner and purify us as silver" (Malachi 3:3). There is a surrender of heart and a trusting that releases our bodies, our minds and our hearts into a loving Father's hand and His will. We can say, "Be to me as You will. You are good."

But, Amy Carmichael points out, "acceptance is a word of liberty, peace and victory. But, it has never meant acquiescence in illness, as though ill-health were from Him who delights to deck His priests with health" (p. 28)

Acceptance but not acquiescence.

To release. To surrender AND at the same time to keep fighting, in faith, for wholeness and freedom. To keep faith, the reaching out-faith, that says, if I just touch the hem of His garment! And, with Job to say, "Shall I accept good from God and not trouble!"

This is the tension.

To, with Dylan Thomas, say, "Rage, rage against the dying of the light... Do not go gentle into that good night"... And to say, with Peter, "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God!" ...that is enough. To say both. Both at the same time... with a unified heart.

Jesus took Peter's statement that day as a statement from God. A statement coming from faith. And, still Jesus healed. The next chapter, in fact, at the request of His disciples, He healed. Being enough didn't mean He wouldn't do amazing things for His friends.

He still does heal. He still does offer other signs along side, "the sign of Jonah". But, Who He is and What He did at Calvary is enough sign. And it is enough for me today.

I accept what He has for me in pain. But, I do not acquiesce to this pain. I do not call it "mine" or own it as forever. I will keep reaching out.... with a submissive heart, I will keep reaching out!

The "why" in pain

Why would she fail to meet Him when He comes? Was Mary so discouraged... so distraught that she fails to welcome Jesus when He finally comes? Was it sadness and despair alone? Or was it disappointment, anger or despondency that makes her ignore the teacher's arrival (John 11)?

Lazarus, her brother, had just died. She had walked the path of sickness that brings death. She had been sitting in mourning for days. Had she been stewing in her sadness? Had she been wondering? Had she been questioning Jesus and His friendship, this One she had grown to love? Had her heart been asking about His love for her, His love for her brother? Did the "Why!?" swell within her like a flood as the days went by and she had watched her brother dying? They had sent word to Him(v.3). He knew! ...she might have thought. He knew, He must have known!, but He didn't come? Why, Jesus? Why? Can you feel the mounting of frustration, confusion and despair that can come and compound grief?

Was it late at night, beside her brother's bed... that she wondered why this Miracle maker, her friend, wasn't coming? Why wasn't her Savior responding to her? Is that why when the house heard of His arrival (v.20), Martha went out to greet Him... but, Mary stayed at home? I don't know. Maybe she was too upset to even hear of His arrival. We don't know.

I do know that when I pray for something earnestly and hear "no response", I can begin to wonder and question. I can even question His love for me. I can find myself pondering the sin in my life and wonder after His silence. I can get upset... maybe even angry... at God for not "showing up". My night time, sleep deprived, moments can be filled with doubt and fear, frustration and accusation. "If you had been here!!!... he would not have died!"

What Mary doesn't know is the heart of Jesus. She doesn't know what we get to hear, in John 11, that Jesus knew the beginning from the end of this event. He knew what would happen to Lazarus and He knew what their hearts would learn from this. What Mary doesn't know is that her sweet friend, Jesus, is allowing all this for a deeper, greater, more significant good in her life! What she doesn't get is that His love propels Him to stay away! He knows that GLORY will be seen. He knows that this will bring life to their hearts.

She couldn't know this, no. Or could she? Maybe, just maybe, she could have trusted Him more. Maybe she could have known that if He wasn't coming it was for their good... it was because of His love for them that He allowed this pain. Maybe, just maybe, she could have assumed the best. Maybe she could have trusted this One she had watched, followed and loved. I certainly can't imagine myself in the same situation without seeing myself in the very same state of mourning and with the very same questions swirling!

Her sister, Martha, is just as confused and bewildered by Christ's slowness in response... "Lord, if you had been here my brother would not have died" and yet, in a fascinating statement of profound faith she says, "but,... But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask!" What was Martha hoping for? She was confused, "He wouldn't have died if you had been here!"... but, ... But, she says to Him... I know you! I know WHO you are and I trust that even now God will do what you ask! There is a sweetness of faith that accompanies Martha's response to Jesus. She is upset, yes. She is confused, yes. But, she there is an inkling of hope in her words and her subsequent confession in this verse.

I love that Jesus doesn't get his feelings hurt but Mary's ignorance of His arrival. Culturally, yes, this may have been a slap... but He doesn't seem to care. In fact, He seeks her out. Oh! How He is so faithful to keep seeking us out even when we hide away from Him in frustration, guilt or anger. "The teacher is here and is asking for you", her sister says to Mary. And, Mary's response is classic. She takes off running and falls at his feet! Can't you just see the scene? Weeping and clutching his feet... why? why, didn't you come?! If you had only been here? Oh, Jesus... why didn't you come?

It says that when he sees Mary's weeping he is deeply troubled. He is agitated, it says. He is upset. A bit further in the passage it says He wept. Why did Jesus cry like this? We don't really know why. Certainly it wasn't mourning he loss of Lazarus, for He knew Lazarus would be alive in only a few moments. Did He get upset and agitated because He saw her lack of hope? Did He get upset simply because He entered into Her grief. Did it pain Him so much to see her weeping that He, Himself, wept? Certainly God is the God of all comfort, mercy and compassion!

What we do know is that Jesus purposefully allowed this suffering and pain because He loved them so much! He knew that His glory, the glory of His Father, was the very best thing... and so He waited and didn't respond--- on purpose! He let them hurt, mourn and watch a sick man die because He wanted to teach their hearts more about Him and His Father.

Our God is certainly not opposed to using suffering and pain in our lives to bring about a better good... And, He is okay with the "why" we ask in the midst of it--- this didn't stop Him from showing forth His Glory that day. He still brought Lazarus back to life... He had intended it all along. His plans were not thwarted by their faith or their questions!

Will I fail to meet Him when He shows up and finally answers my prayers? Will I allow the "why" that swirls around my head and heart swallow up hope or faith... or will I say, "but, you are the Son of God and I know that God will do whatever you ask!" Will I trust His faithfulness as a friend even when He doesn't come...

Change of plans... change of heart

One phone call this morning brought major changes to my plans this week. Anyone who knows me well will agree that I am not Ms. Flexible. I don't naturally handle ambiguity, flexibility and change of schedule very well. You could say that I am Ms. Planned. I am Ms. Expectation or Ms. Schedule, but certainly NOT Ms. Flexible. But God does things in our hearts that make us more than we are, doesn't He!?! He changes us from the inside out and helps us to do what we can't do, feel what we can't feel and be who we can't naturally be (a paraphrased quote from Beth Moore's bible study on The Fruit of the Spirit). He makes the inflexible... flexible. By His grace, He does miracles of the heart... small-looking from the outside, but ginormous miracles of the heart.

We had a change of plans this morning. This change was not life-threatening or particularly important... no one died, no one was sick, no one was injured. These I tend to handle just fine. In the past it has been the smaller changes of plans, the need for small shifts, that have brought the most wrath from my soul! Silly, I know. But, none-the-less, me. So...the change affected my calendar for this week and next week. One phone call and many plans for the weeks had to shift. Normally,... naturally, I would be immediately agitated, annoyed and flustered. That is me. I have story after story to tell of my inappropriate heart responses to small changes in plans. Others that love me have many stories to tell, too! It isn't pretty. But, this morning was different. Amazingly different.

The call came. The wrench was thrown into the plan-wheel. The flurry of shifting, rescheduling and new plan making began and... I didn't in the least feel upset or agitated. I wasn't angry. I wasn't flustered and I wasn't annoyed. This is more remarkable than simple words on a page can communicate. This is victory. This is God's grace at work in my heart. Simply put... the response to the circumstance was God... God in me. Wow!

He really can make me who I am not! He really does create something from nothing! The call came. Without thought, really, I knew that the plan change was necessary and was certain somewhere deep that it was all within God's good plan. My heart experience was peace and calm. Our new plan making went without flurry or annoyance. Truly God's grace at work!

O kind, Father, it may be a small thing for anyone looking in... but, I know this is a huge victory. I see it and acknowledge Your hand. Oh, Lord keep doing these amazing things in my heart! I see Your grace, Your victory, Your light all over my heart this morning. I praise You for Your work in my life and ask for Your continued grace. I am reminded that You promise to complete Your work in me. I surrender my heart to You completely for continued work, for more changes, more grace! Thank You, Father for Your hand in my life. I ask You to continue to order my days, to plan my life and have Your way with me!

Lessons Learned

"You know this." "Honey, we've learned this." Think about it a minute... you know what an adjective is... You know what a preposition is... As a home school mom, these words come out of my mouth often. "Sweetheart, you know what 8x4 is... think about it". "You know where the comma goes..." You know this, love. We've learned this. Remember?

Usually the light dawns on their little faces... "Oh yeah!", they might say. I say to them... "a noun is a person, a pla..." and they finish the sentence with a sudden remembering look, "...a place and a thing!" They usually remember.

How often do I have this same interaction with my Father? How often does the Lord say this to me? Stephanie, you know this. Honey, we've learned this before. Think about it a minute... you know what freedom is. You know what I think of you. You know what you need to do to be loved. You know these things. We've learned this. He says, "Remember my Word says Do not wor..." and I say, "Oh yeah! Do not worry...!" finishing His sentence.

Last night, while bemoaning the fact that my plate was too full, that the "shoulds" were too much to juggle and while asking my husband why we can't just move to a cabin in Montana... the Lord began his kind whispers of "Stephanie, you know this one. I have taught you. Think about it a minute".

I am a recovering "should" girl. From birth, so it seems, I have felt the "shoulds" of tasks and relationships as easily and naturally as breathing. But, that part of me must die. That nasty, unhealthy should-part needs a swift death. I just needs to stop. And, I know this. I have learned this lesson. Eight years ago (this month) the Lord brought miraculous healing to my body. 9 years ago I fell very ill, at least in part, with the "shoulds" that weighed me down. But, God's hand does miracles and one day I had chronic fatigue syndrome ... and the next day I was healed. It was miraculous and it was profound. Although my body was healed overnight, though, my heart and mind had begun a journey of healing that has been lesson upon lesson of releasing (and killing!) this "should" girl. Lesson upon lesson of freedom.

I don't want to go back. I don't want to flunk this level! I want to remember the lessons and walk forward learning more.

So, today I responded to His whispers and I sat with Him. I remembered. Today I am choosing to remember. Yes, Lord, I cry out! I remember! You have taught me this. You Word is so clear on this... I have learned. I have heard. Do not worry. Do not be anxious for anything. Do only that which the Father is about. Just "be" for my glory... do what I created you to do, in MY strength. Ask Me what I want you to do and do that with joy and freedom.

Lessons learned. I do know what freedom is. I know what it is to rest in Your grace. I know You want me to listen for Your voice alone. I know you want me to look for Your pleasure alone. I do know that there is nothing I need to do to earn Your love, Lord. I know that I only must do that which You have given me to do and that my "being" in You, walking in You, worshipping You is the One needful thing. I choose to remember today and I will choose to kill that should girl.

Lord, for your Glory and in Your strength. I remember.

Answers

We got it. After four months of waiting, we got it! Amazing. Our company has received permission to invite us and we should be only 4 weeks away from a visa in hand. I cried when I heard the news. It was like a cloud burst of emotion. Unstoppable joy. Relief. Release.
He answers prayer. I knew He would. He has been growing this hope in me these last few years. I knew He would answer. How and when were the only remaining things to be seen. I knew He would answer. He always does.
The truth is He has been answering my prayers all along. He answered when I asked Him to be my rock of stability in the uncertainty. He was my rock. He answered when I wasn’t sleeping well and asked to sleep. He didn't give me sleep, but He taught me more about prayer. He taught me to rely on Him the next day when I was exhausted. He answered when I asked Him to be Present and to be my strength. He has been very present, even if unfelt at times, very present. He has been my strength. Did He answer more today than He has these past four months? Nope, I don't think so. He has always been answering. He just chose to answer "yes" and "now", today.
I asked Him this morning for a miracle. I asked Him to answer today. I asked Him to release the visas and He did it. (No, it isn't the first time I have asked) The crazy truth is that He did it before I ever asked. The permission had been given before I asked this morning. But, He tells me to ask. He heard my prayers and He responded. I don't get it! But, I love it.
>My kids ask me for gum almost 4 times a day. I don't give it to them every time they ask, but I fully intend to give it to them at some point. They know I will answer. They know I will say "no" sometimes and "yes" other times. And, they keep asking. They are learning to trust my answers to them. They are beginning to get that my "no" and my "yes" are not random. I say "no" when it is morning time before we have even had lunch. I say "no" directly after they have just finished the last piece. Sometimes, I say "no" just so their little bodies don't get a mini-addiction, so they "have" to have it after every meal (like my morning coffee). My "no" and my "yes" are not random and my cuties are beginning to trust that. Me, too, Lord.
The verse I read this morning as I cried out to Him telling Him how "done" I was and asking Him for a miracle, was in Psalm 145. It says that the Lord is near to all who call... to all who call on Him in truth. I was struck by the need to be honest and real with my Father. So, I told Him all I was feeling. He listened. He answered. His answer was not only in the permission later this morning. He answered in that moment this morning. He answered with Himself. I am beginning to trust.
I am certain I will be in "this place" of asking for miracles many more times in the future. Lord, teach me to know you are a God who answers. Lord, teach me to look for Your answers... all of them. May I look for your "no", may I look for your provisions, Your Presence and Your strength.