Go Looking For It!

I live in a country where it rains a lot.  I mean... it seriously rains...  a ...lot.    

An awful lot!

Growing up in California, where it is daily 75 degrees and sunny, this can still be hard for me from time to time.  

One thing I have learned in these 10+ years in this rainy land is---that with rain comes the opportunity for a rainbow!  One never knows when it will come...  but, with rain comes the hope.   Without rain, rainbows aren't even a possibility!  

I have a funny habit that has developed over the years.  When it starts to rain, I go looking for the rainbow.  Today, instinctively, when the downpour started, I ran to front window and then to the back window--- feeling like a child looking for Santa's sleigh in the sky.  

At the back window, I could feel my heart drop just a bit.  I was disappointed when no rainbow was found.  But, ...then I had this inclination...  this whisper in my heart...  Just wait a minute.  

So, I waited.  A minute...  such a short time.  But, it took effort.  Waiting is not easy for any of us.  

Then it appeared.

The waited for...  it appeared.  My rainbow.  It felt personal.  Such a beautiful result of rain.  

My rainbow!

This rainbow doesn't distract from the reality that with rain comes mud--- oh! so much yuck, muck and mud.  With rain comes mould, mildew, sickness, slippery walk ways and bone-chilling-cold--- oh! such deep cold.  The rainbow doesn't take away from the 'yuck' that comes with so much rain.  

The beauty found in any moment doesn't lessen the pain.  But it adds to...  It adds some joy to the equation.  The equation now includes breath-taking, moving, dramatic skies, sound of rushing and pelting water, and green fields that stay green all year round.   Reality is balanced by these moments of joy.  

One small moment.  

I could have missed it, if I hadn't gone looking for it.  

Looking.  And waiting.  I waited in hope.  

It's been a 'rainy' year--- this 2020, hasn't it?  And, 2021...  is deep in muck and mud.  Our nightly news is bone-chilling with no end in sight.  

Join me in looking for the shadows in the skies as an artist might look.  Look for the green fields of strength and endurance in each other.  Listen for the sounds of life amidst the pain.   They are there.  I promise.  

Promise.  

Let's look--- hope and wait for the rainbows.  We have no promise they will come today. But, we can always hunt for them.  Hunt and look with me, today, will you?  

------

Yep... I have written on this topic A LOT!  Here...  and here...   I guess it's still impacting me today.  Nothing new under the sun--- especially rainbows!

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #24 The Best Medicine

The Best Medicine

Laughter wells up and spills over.

Like a singing stream, 

a song of joy bubbles and gurgles.

Laughter rises and bounces up.

Like a dancing dolphin, 

riding the wake with a jump and frolic.

Days of sadness have gone before.

Songs of mourning filling my week.

Waves of grief have racked and crashed. 

But today, I chuckle and chortle.

His essence fills my aching soul with good medicine.

Laughter wins today! 

Written September 2020

Proverbs 17:22 "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones."

 

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #18 Stargazing

Stargazing

Middle of the night rendezvous

I wait for Your call.

Step through the dark

Into the glory of light.

Tiptoe out. 

Don't wake the neighbours!

Wait.  Watch.

Tears fill my eyes.

Tiny. Bright. Distant dance.

Beauty and majesty touch my soul.

Spread out like a tapestry

You made these with Your word.

A still, yet moving, work of art.

Your heart shouts with a thousand lights.

Written July 2020

Jeremiah 31:35  This is what the LORD says, he who appoints the sun to shine by day, who decrees the moon and stars to shine by night, who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar-- the LORD Almighty is his name!

 

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #13 The Sky

The Sky

It reaches.

It covers beyond what I can see.

Beyond what I can even imagine

'Stretched out like a canopy'  

Dark, deep, high, vast

A space of stillness---

a moon, set in place

stars in their home.

Reality of movement, phases

Lifting and lowering.  

And dancing 

...so much dancing!

Stillness, yet so much motion. 

Clouds that shift and sway. 

Layers of profound stillness.  Layers of movement. 

Still one moment, swift the next. 

Colours and shadows

Depth and variety

A different portrait each day.

Moment after moment

It holds a welcome for all.

Welcome to gaze and behold!

Always the same and ever changing.

Simple; yet with complexities I can not comprehend.

Beyond what I can even imagine. 

It reaches.  It covers.

He 'spread it out like a tent'. 

It wraps us, a shelter and a wonder. 

"Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: who created all these?" Isaiah 40

Written July 2020

 

Let's Dance Again

You know that moment when you are smiling so much, your face starts to ache just a bit?

I felt the ache in my cheeks the other night.  I sat, smiled, and watched them with deep joy.

How many were they?  Thirty?  Forty kiddos?  Up on stage...  standing in-front of a room of 250---some proud parents, aunties and uncles, and many they would not know.   Most of the audience friendly strangers. These kids of all ages were singing and dancing with all their might!   They sang song after song about Jesus--- His love and grace, His faithfulness and goodness.  Loud voices.  Full attention.  They sang out with their whole hearts.  They gave it their all.

Each song had movements.  Each child did the movements with their "stamp"---their personality.  Some made quiet, small movements. Some kiddos made exaggerated and beautifully flamboyant moves.  Some had hands, legs, faces all in sync.  They were perfectly orchestrated with the music.  You might say these were "on fleek"!   Others---little ones and bigger ones--- hardly managed the choreographed movements at all... they just danced.  Smiles.  Jumping.  Swaying.  Shuffling their little feet.

They performed with joy and freedom and so much fun!  It was pure delight to behold.

While I watched, I had a recurring thought which became a prayer:  When do we loose this?  When did we loose this, Lord?

When does this dancing, jumping, laughing, smiling, singing get lost?  Why don't we do this anymore when we sing of You?  

I began to pray these questions... When did I loose this unhindered joy in moving my body and singing songs for you?  What hinders me in worshiping You like this, Lord?  

As I watched and prayed, everything in me wanted to jump on stage and sing along.  Dance along.  I wanted to join them!

I know the stories that many of these kids walk.  I am aware of pain in their journey.  I know they don't live perfect lives, or in perfect families.  But, still... still...  this night they brought their whole bodies, hearts, and minds on stage and performed with exuberance.

Most faces in the crowd smiled.  Even the older teenagers--- this freedom already lost for most of them--- sat and watched with cheek-aching grins.

Joy begets joy.  Worship begets worship!

Father, I want some of it back!  What I lost... whenever it was... I want to know this childlike faith and purity again.  I want to worship You with my whole body, my whole heart, and all of me.  Teach me to join them in song.  Today... and moving forward.  "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord" (Psalm 150:6).  

"They should praise Him with dancing, they should praise Him with tambourines and harps!"  (Psalm 149:3)

Feeling Empty

I just didn't have it this morning.  I felt empty.  Lacking.

I woke up seriously lacking.  Lacking energy.  Lacking joy.  Out of sorts and out of whack,  I certainly didn't have it this morning.  Grace.  Love.  Peace.  Joy.  I didn't have any of it for myself, let alone for anyone else.

The morning habit of "the chair" always draws me... sometimes with excitement and anticipation, often simply out of discipline and habit.  At some silly-o-clock every morning, my alarm sings.  I wake.  I stumble down stairs and drink my glass of water.  And, then I go to my chair...  Habit.  Good daily habits. What a gift!

Bible.  Journal.  Prayer App.  Worship Music.  ...all tools I might use in my chair.  This day I just sat there, half awake, staring into the space in front of me.  How long did I just stare into the room? Looking but not seeing.  Just sitting.

I could scarcely hear the whisper waft my way... was it from my habit, was it from my Lord?...  Either way, I could hear a whisper:  the Word.  

The Word, Stephanie.  A still small voice reminding me to pick up God's word.  With automatic obedience, I lifted my bible and my journal from where they live in the basket next to the chair.

Opening the Bible, the red cloth book marker directed me where to place my eyes on the page.  Good thing for that marker!  Without it I may have just stared for more time into the nothingness.  Following the marker's direction, I found my place and I read.  Almost from the first word, from the pulsating life which lives within the very letters on this majestic page, I could feel a surge.  Truth.  I could feel the truth in the words I was reading.  None of the Words were new.  I have read them a thousand times, to be sure.  In fact, I had read the very same words yesterday.  But, again today, they were fresh with life.  Ah, the Word of God does wonders for the soul! 

As Scripture awakened my mind, my heart and my soul...  I began to see a bit more of me.  It took time.  A thawing was beginning as I read word after word.

Finally words from within me began to emerge.  The first words I scribbled in my journal said, "I just don't have it today."

I just don't have it, Lord.  I am seriously lacking.  

As if God is surprised by this confession, right?  He is well aware of our need for Him.  He knows I am lacking.  I am always lacking...

Yes, I know, Stephanie.  So, now that you know, ask Me for exactly what you need.   

What did I need from God?  Today.  What was my need.  Oh.  So much!  I need grace, Lord.  I need love today, Lord!  I don't have it.  I don't have it for me.  I don't have it for anyone else.  

Truth washed over my mind like a flood.  I have both in abundance.  I am Love.  I am rich in grace.  And, I live IN you.  

In You...  abundance.  richness and fullness.  

I could feel the boldness growing.  Yes, I can ask for exactly what I need!  Yes, my God is rich in mercy.  I need joy, Lord... Oh man, I am really not feeling the joy, Lord!  Can I have more joy today, please? And, oh, I'm seriously needing peace and definitely patience...  I need so much, Lord.  

In the dark, cold morning, I was warmed by His invitation.  My Spirit lives in You.  My fullness.  Love.  Joy.  Peace. Patience... all I am, accessible to you.  Always.  A living stream of life and truth is welling within you, because I live in you.  I dwell in you.  You have everything you need.  Everything.  In Me.  Ask me... and then wait and see!  

Truly, I walked away from my chair with more joy and peace.  I asked and He answered.  I could feel Him giving me what I needed for the day.  Enough.  I always have enough in Him.  I simply needed to ask and receive.  Bread enough for my today.

I didn't have it this morning.  But, my God does and He loves to give the good gift of His Spirit to His children.  (Luke 11:13)

"Whoever believes in Me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them. He was speaking of the Spirit..."  (John 7:38, 39)

A Lil' Sentence Does a Whole Lot of Good

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It didn't feel inappropriate or untoward.

It did surprise me, though.  It caught me off guard.

An older man, slightly humped and bald with wisps of grey hair around his ears walked passed me... maybe we was nearing 80 years old?

When we passed on the sidewalk, I smiled at him.  His face immediately lit up---bright and beautiful--- he seemed to grow younger by 20 years.  As he looked up he immediately said, "Well, you are the prettiest thing I have seen today!"

I literally felt the shock of his words and quickly replied, "Thank you, you are very sweet!"  Then we went about our day...  Me moving forward, the gentleman walking the other way.

Our paths crossed for only a moment.

In the first moments after we passed I prayerfully wondered if his comment was inappropriate.  In our current world---which is over-sensual and over-sexualized; with such an emphasis placed on outward appearance---was this wrong for him to say such a thing to a stranger?   I wasn't sure.

But, a few steps further down the road and I could literally feel myself walking taller and with more confidence.  I felt younger, too.  A bit of the child in me seemed touched and maybe even dancing.  The strength and energy in my stride caught my attention.  How had one little sentence brought such a significant subconscious response from my heart, my body... my very being?

It is hard to estimate and count what this little, kind compliment did for my soul.

I kept prayerfully wondering... watching my thoughts with curiosity...  A few steps further down my path, I pondered if this was my ugly-sided vanity rearing it's head.   Could be.  But, this felt different.  This felt purer.  This felt sweet.  Who can know their own heart, truly?  (Jeremiah 17:9)  Only God knows.

As I prayed, though, and walked a few steps further... I had a simple thought:  Words are powerful.

This man crossed my path for one very short moment.  And, his words had power.  They impacted me before I could 'think'.  His words had taken affect before my conscious mind was even aware.  My response to his sentence was something to 'look back on' and wonder about.  His words had a distinctly positive and uplifting impact.   At least, it felt positive.

What might my words do today?  What might I say to my husband, my son or my daughter?  What might I say to my neighbor or the stranger at the store?  Can I use my mouth to bring about blessing!?  Can I lift someone's head and help them to walk just a little bit taller?

It didn't cost that man anything to compliment me.  In fact, I would venture, from the look on his face, that it befitted his soul to offer me that rose.  He moved onward a bit taller, too. 

Lord, use me to bolster and to bless!  Father, help my mouth... all I say...to be used to raise up and to lift.  Fill me with Your Spirit, Your love and Your thoughts about this beautiful world and the beauty that fills each face.  "For out of the same mouths come blessing and cursing, brothers... it should not be!" (James 3:10)

Okay, God... let's have some FUN

A few months ago, as I was being prayed for, a brother felt he heard God whisper the word Fun into his heart.  After the prayer time, he approached me and said he felt God wanted me to have more fun in my life---especially in this season of transition with my children launching into the world and out of my nest.  He then asked me a pointed question, "What is fun for you?"

I was dumbstruck.  The feeling of utter confusion must have wafted across my face... because he laughed out loud.  "Ah!" he said, "That is probably where you need to start!"

I have been a wife for nearly 25 years and a mother for 20 years.   Almost half my life I have had the privilege of nurturing and raising two amazing children.  I have worked part time from home and we chose to home educate, as well; and so... my time has been very much all about them.  I truly don't regret this in any way, shape, or form.  I feel blessed by this truth.  But, when it comes to fun for me... well, ...I just didn't have an answer.  The question actually felt strange in my ear and hard for my heart to comprehend.  I know what is fun for my husband.  I know what is fun for my son and my daughter.

In all honesty, I am not sure I could have answered this question even 25 years ago.  'Fun' doesn't come naturally to me... I don't 'do' 'fun for me'.  Or at least, that is how it felt.

I began to pray.  What IS fun for me, Lord? Lord, help me know myself.

My 'go-to' solution to any dilemma is to pray and then read.  When in doubt, I say, read a book!  On the heels of this prayer time, a friend 'just so happened' to send me a book about the God-given creativity in every human being, The Soul Tells a Story by Vanita Hampton Wright.  I wondered if creativity and fun went together?  So... why not... I picked it up and gave it a go.  Maybe God would begin to answer my question in this way...

For years, I have had a very regular debate going with my husband.  "I am not a creative person" was my stance.  We had the--- 'yes, you are'... 'no, I'm not'--- going for years.  From the beginning, Ms. Wright suggests that creativity lives in each and every of us;  innate in us, creativity is like one fingerprint of God's design as 'made in His image'.  He created.  He creates still.  We also create.  Wright does a fabulous job explaining that creativity is so uniquely colored and varied with each individual...and so, I guess, sometimes it just isn't noted.  Or, understood and labeled as "creativity".

Or, in fact, it just gets lost for some of us.  In the first chapters, she offers a set of exercises which explore what was 'fun' for you as a child.  Like venturing back memory lane, you are searching for what was in you naturally... maybe what got hid away, or set aside.  What did you do as a child that you enjoyed?  What made you happy?  What did you do for fun?  For me, this question alone took quite a bit of time, quiet, prayer, and memory-journeying to find some answers.

I now believe with all my heart that I am indeed creative.  (My husband will be pleased with this!)  And, I have slowly ventured into the effort of 'doing' more fun things in my life.  Opening up.  Pressing in.  Things I used to do...?  Things that I have always wanted to do... or wondered about?  Slowly.  One thing at a time.

My newest venture has been into the realm of watercolor painting.  The ever-present practical-Stephanie assumed (wrongly, as it turned out)... that this was a cheap hobby.  So, I started here.

Today, I boldly---and it does take significant courage, mind you--- I share (below) a few of my first attempts to have creative fun in my life.  I figure, for the faithful few of you that read these posts, you hear the ins-and-outs of many vulnerabilities and very often the weaknesses in my life.  So, why not... I'll share this vulnerable place of creativity and strength, too.    And, I will assure you... I am really enjoying it!

...having a little bit of fun.  Thank you, God, for whispering on my behalf.  

Songs of My Heart

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Like a stream of consciousness, the memories come unbidden.

I was simply sitting down to blow dry my wet hair and then in my mind's eye, I am there...  nearly 20 years ago, but I am "seeing" it and feeling it, like it was yesterday.

While in this season of launching my first child, there seems to be this movement in my mind... seemingly random memories coming like a wave.

Different things trigger the memories---a picture, a smell, a song, a comment.  This morning it was music.  As I often do,  I hit play on my "Worship" playlist.  I sat to begin a regular morning routine of makeup and hair.  Within only a few notes, the memory came rushing in...

link for song...  take a listen, if you can

The song begins with ..."It is our confession what we are weak... so very weak!" 

In a moment, I was taken back...  holding, rocking, clutching a baby girl.  We had taken this little one with us across the ocean into a backwater country.  Young and terrified, I stood over her crib, holding her tiny body while her fever screamed at my momma's heart, "Be afraid, be very afraid!"  

It is an intense fear that we feel as we hold our little ones and watch them writhe and struggle against sickness.  It is a deeply intense fear that we all feel when we are out of control... when we can't fix it, we can't make it okay.  

That night long ago, it was this song that I sung over her.  As I held her and prayed, the words seemed to flow out of my soul---a song, a prayer, a confession---

 "It is my confession, Lord, that I am weak---so very weak---but, You are strong!"

It's our confession, Lord that we are weak…So very weak, but You are strong

And though we've nothing, Lord…To lay at Your feet

We come to Your feet and say, "Help us along"

A broken heart and a contrite spirit, You have yet to deny

Your heart of mercy beats with love's strong current.

Let the river flow, God.  By Your Spirit now, Lord we cry

Let your mercies fall from heaven! Sweet mercies flow from heaven!

New mercies for today--Shower them down Lord, as we pray

How long did I rock her and sing this song over her that night?  It feels like I have been singing and rocking this over her for her entire life!

Today, as I writhe and struggle with the feelings of launching her.  As I watch her sadness, her pain, and as I feel my own...  As we truly roller-coaster-ride the ups and downs of this launch:  ...excitement, hope, anticipation, mixed with the high fever of grief, frustration and terror...

As her tears, and mine, scream at us, "Be afraid, be very afraid!",  I am in that selfsame place I was 18 years ago.  

I am holding her, rocking her with my heart, and I am praying these very same words... 

Help us along!  New mercies for today, Lord, shower them down as we pray!  

And, each time I sing this.  Each time I pray...  He holds and He rocks.  He stills.  In these moments, I know He sings over my soul.  Even when I can't hear it, I know He is singing...  He is always singing His song.  

Today, I choose to listen and lean in.  I let Him hold me and rock me.  Today, I say "yes" and hear His words--- Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go (Joshua 1:9)

Surprised by Joy

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I love it when God's Word surprises me.   It doesn't matter how many times I read it, or how much "theology" I have studied or adhere to...  God's Word often catches me off guard.  It has happened to me so many times these past weeks as I have been reading through Leviticus.  But, one instance in particular, has stuck with me.

The people have been given instructions on how to draw near to God through sacrifice.  They painstakingly follow all the law, to-a-T.  Moses notes again and again, "they did everything the Lord commanded".   They are truly acting as an obedient and faithful bunch these Israelites, right?!  (I think it is really interesting that we miss this truth when we talk about how lame and unfaithful the Israelites are... aren't we all just such a mixed bag!)

Anyway...  they have been obedient and have followed the path God has set up for them.  In response to these acts of sacrifice, "fire came out of the Presence of the Lord" (Leviticus 9:24).  Stop for a minute and just imagine this in real life.  We have seen enough CGI to work our imaginations around fire coming out and consuming the offering.  Loud, Hot, Red, Fast, ...terrifying, right?

But,... the people are not scared.  They are not filled with fear.  This surprised me.

In Exodus 20:18, only moments ago in the narrative, God speaks to the people from the mountain. They hear His voice as thunder and they are terrified and afraid.  They ask that He never do that again! They remain at a distance and say, "Don't have God speak to us or we will die!" (v. 19)

But, not here.  Why?

No, the people's response to this hot-burning-up-consuming-fire of the Lord is joy.  Joy fills their hearts!  Surprised by joy...

I was surprised by joy.

They see the fire and they are filled with joy and they fall down to worship.  I can't help but think that the joy welling in their hearts--- which brought them face down ---brought a wonderfully delightful smile to God's face.

I don't think He was surprised by it---that is what He made for us.  Fullness of joy in His Presence... No, God isn't surprised.

I can just picture it... seeing Him in my mind's eye:  God smiling; pleased and blessed.  They are worshiping Him rightly (if just this once) and they are responding to His presence with joy and awe. For weeks this passage has spoken to me of the Father's heart.  What He might really want from my sacrifices, my worship, and my drawing near to His Presence:  Awe-filled wonder and joy!

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him..."  (Romans 15:13)

A Psalm of Thankgiving

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I heard a beautiful sermon this morning on gratitude.  Psalm 136, in it's entirety, was read out from the front with the congregation following along and repeating the phrase "His love endures forever" after each line.  A call and response:

1 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.
His love endures forever.
2 Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.
3 Give thanks to the Lord of lords:
His love endures forever...
...

It was a very moving moment, with my eyes closed, as I listened to the testimony of what God had done for the Israelites and we all spoke out the truth of His enduring love.

The preacher said that "Biblical gratitude is based on history---on grounded facts and experience. Biblical thankfulness and gratitude is 'looking back' at what God has done and who He is."

My instinct in that very moment was to jump up and speak out (shout!) my own praise and thankfulness.  So, instead, I will use my voice here and write my own Psalm...

here I go, off the cuff---

Psalm one-thirty-six(b)
a psalm of Stephanie

1  Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good,
His love endures forever.
2  Give praise to the Almighty God, who created the world and all the beauty we see,
His love endures forever.
3  Give thanks to my God, who sent His Son to save and deliver His people from darkness,
His love endures forever.
4  to Him that sent His Spirit to dwell in us and to lead us into all truth,
His love endures forever.
5  to Him that provides for our every need,
His love endures forever.
6  who feeds us and clothes us and comforts us when we are sad,
His love endures forever.
7 Give thanks to the God of gods, the Lord of lords,
His love endures forever.
8 He knows all things and His wisdom is pure and holy,
His love endures forever.
9 He has given us eyes to see, ears to hear and tongues to taste.
His love endures forever.
10  for yellow, red, blue and green; laughing and bird song; chocolate and peanut butter
His love endures forever.
11  Give praise to our God, whose heart is close and whose hand is mighty,
His love endures forever.
12  For finding me in that dark place and saving my sad and angry soul,
His love endures forever.
13  For speaking love over me and sending me words of truth,
His love endures forever.
14  and bringing me a man to walk through life and love me well,
His love endures forever.
15 to Him that led us overseas and taught us many things,
His love endures forever.
16 Give thanks to my God, who gifted me with miracle-babies,
His love endures forever.
17 and delivered and healed me from debilitating illness,
His love endures forever.
18 and destroyed the shaking one and rescued me from oppression.
His love endures forever.
19 He remembers me in my humble state.
His love endures forever.
20 And walks with me daily with the invitation of more of His Spirit,
His love endures forever.
21 and feeds me with His word,
His love endures forever.
22 Give thanks to the God of Stephanie, who allows long nights of insomnia,
His love endures forever.
23  and speaks of His wisdom.
He is completing His work in her, and teaching her to trust,
His love endures forever.
24 He has an inheritance for her that will not spoil,
 and is calling her forward for more,
His love endures forever.
25  He deeply loves all the people she sees and knows,
He hears and cares and sees,
His love endures forever.
26  and those she has never met,
His love is for the whole world---the nations
His love endures forever.
27  Give thanks to the God of heaven,
His love endures forever.

I wonder if this wouldn't be a fabulous weekly or monthly practice.  I might give-it-a-go!  Write a psalm... and remember all He has done and especially, essentially, the truth that His love endures forever!  

If you write your own Psalm and want to share... send it along!   I would love to rejoice in your testimony, too!

Made With Love

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Things just taste better when they are made with joy and love!

These words popped out of my sweet girl's mouth this morning as our family delighted in the breakfast creation she and her brother made.

Mouth full of sticky, gooey goodness, she declared this truth:  When something is made with joy, it tastes so good going down.

I agree, sweet girl.  I agree.

I had made the recipe before:  "Apple Fritters".  It is a tasty recipe.  We all enjoyed it last time.  But this time, something was different.  They were astounding!  So very, very yum!

"Why?" I wondered.  "What did you guys do differently?"  I asked as I licked my fingers with delight.

"Things just taste better when they are made with joy and love!"

She isn't wrong...

She and her brother had planned this cooking extravaganza together days before.  They had anticipated the activity and been excited to do this special breakfast for me and my husband.  And, they had laughed, sang and worked with fun the whole time.

These doughnuts were fried-up with joy and sprinkled with love.

The cooking, the cleaning, the emails and the work I do every day...  what is it that makes the difference?  What, indeed, makes these things "taste" good--to me or to others?  What is that spoon-full-of-sugar that is available for every task and every job?

May I learn from my children, Lord.  May the work of my hands... the tasks of my day... be done with joy and with love.  May songs, laughter, and relationship flavor all that I do!  

We call it good

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Today is Good Friday.

We celebrate and remember today that Jesus was brutally tortured and killed. And, we call this single event in history "good"?

We call it good, because it is good. It is very good.

I have been thinking much lately, in light of my own personal physical pain, what it might look to truly, deeply, be thankful for my suffering. What might it look like to rejoice in my trial or to see my pain as a gift of joy? (James 1:2: Consider it pure joy when you face trials of all kinds.)

In the midst of pain, this is a very hard thing to do.

Even two steps away from suffering, the clouds can lift and I can see "reasons" and grace in hindsight. I can see what He has done in it and through it... when I am looking at it from some distance. But, right smack dab in the middle of pain... rejoicing, being thankful and calling pain "good" is hard.

This past year, I have felt the Lord calling me to this, though. He seems to be leading me onward in this journey of pain and inviting me to "more".  At least, that is what I sense by His invitation. There is more to be had when you can call it good and see Me as good in it. Is this what He has been whispering?

He isn't asking me to say this with words; He is asking me to know this with heart.

Although a rough path, I do find myself understanding it a bit more. I seem to be able to, even in the midst, to say that He is good. My trust in His love over me is expanding. This is a gift, in-and-of-itself. Truly. It isn't something that I could teach anyone, ...I can barely find words to explain it..., but it is something I have had to live through. I have had to walk in, to feel, to wrestle with .

In truth, my physical pain has been quite minimal in compared with other pains that I have wrestled with through the years. Recently, I experienced an impromptu gathering of women. This table full of women had all come from divorced and broken families. As we shared, we found such comfort in hearing each other's stories. In each woman, regardless of age, tears were readily available... brimming eyes and some spilling tenderly on cheeks.

Such deep pain. Such soul upheaval. Such foundation breaking we all experienced at young, tender ages... even though our stories are all different! This pain. How do you call this pain "good"?

Was what they did that day to my Jesus, my Brother, good? NO! But... but, ...strangely, yes. Yes, it was good.

I am so glad they did! Isn't that just a crazy statement?! I am so glad they killed Him and that He gave His life for me! What an upside down thought?! But, what else do I have but that beautiful death on the cross. What else do I rely on, each day, but the blood of my precious Savior poured out on me!? I couldn't have the resurrection if I didn't have the death!

Don't we, in the cross, have a model for thanking God in suffering? Don't we have in Christ, each time we take communion, a picture of what it means to rejoice and say "thank you" for death, pain and suffering?

How does this work with the intense evil in our world? How does this work with the pain inflicted by Satan and those who are filled and living in his sick and twisted darkness? How does this work with sin, base choices, ...and depravity? How does this work with Jesus not being a victim... but being the One who chose this. He, Himself, layed His life down.

I don't know. I really don't know. These answers have been debated for centuries. Certainly, there is no easy answer!

But, wasn't Pilate ...and Caiaphas ... and Judas ...and the Roman soldiers mocking Him... were they not acting as Satan's very hands of evil? Were they not heinous in their actions? Sinful in their choices?

I don't know much about this topic, but this I do know: I boast in the cross of Christ. I boast in my Savior crucified! I boast.

What I do know is that today is Good Friday. I will remember what Christ did for me today! And, I will give thanks for the suffering! ...His suffering. ...and mine.

I call it good. Because, it is good.


a re-post from April 2011

Thankful for Color

Thank you God for the color yellow!

 As I look and ask my kind Father for eyes to see, I am becoming more aware of His daily gifts of love, grace and beauty!  I am seeing, again, the "little" things and I am thanking Him for each one... or, at least, each one I notice!

Thank you, Lord, for beautiful blue!  

He has given me color in my life.  And, for this I am so very thankful!  Colorful things, colorful people, and colorful situations...  All grace-gifts from His hand.

Open my eyes, Lord, to see even more of Your gifts of love today!  

Thank you Father God for bold red! 

I am joining others from Ann's blog in counting my way to 1,000 Gifts!  You can join us in this lovely adventure, or just enjoy with me a few notations from my list this past week:

#77.  His early morning mussed hair and big, tight, sweet hugs.

#79.  Friendship and deep connections.

#88.  Safety in our home.

#93.  God's word that speaks to me daily.

#94.  Friendly smiles, friendly faces.

#102.  God singing to me.

#109.  My deep weaknesses and my imperfections.

#110.  Becoming aware of my anger.

#113.  God giving us dreams as a place to process.

#121.  Yellow!! So beautiful. 

#122.  A text of love.

#126.  Blue!!

#127.  Red!

#129.  Hearing his voice.  He called.

#136.  Art in the kitchen.

#137.  Naked moments and His flood of love and Presence and covering.

#138.  Music that reminds and teaches me of Truth.

What makes you want to dance?

photo source

With a huge smile on her face, she jumped up and down at the back window as I stood in the kitchen.  She came home visibly shaking and dancing with glee!  My sweet 12 year old daughter...

And, I immediately had a thought--- are you doing what makes you happy?

She had just delivered a hand made gift to an elderly neighbor.  It brought her so much joy to bless.  To give.  Such a simple thing, really.  But, the giving gave her deep joy.  And, she wanted more...  More joy!

Poking her head in the doorway she asked, "Can I bring hot chocolate to the construction workers next door?"  She wanted more giving-joy!

So we heated up water, made the hot chocolate and she carried over coffees and chocolate on a tray to the group of men who have been working hard for months next door.   The smile on their faces were remarkable, to be sure; but, the smile on her face was priceless.  She literally skipped home and into our door.

Am I doing what makes me most happy? 

My girl came out of the womb a gift giver.  While she developed in my body those 9 months, God wove into her personality a desire to give and get gifts.  Frankly, she just loves gifts!  And, gifts give her joy.  They speak something to her soul that I do not innately understand .   When she gives and when she gets, she feels joy and love.

And, it isn't just gifts that make her smile.  She loves to hug.  She loves to worship with song; she loves to sing.  She loves to create beautiful things and take long walks with her friends.  ...all intricate details of her, my sweet daughter.

We are most happy---and by happy, I mean true happiness, pure joy, deep-seated contentment----when we are being who God made us to be and doing that which He made us to do.  What makes me smile and dance inside is different than my girl.  We are all unique.

Chosen before the foundation of the earth and hand-made inside our mothers, we are all unique.  He has given each of us special things to do, ways to relate, contributions to make... an offering of ourselves.  What is yours?  

What brings that huge smile on your face or in your soul?  What makes your heart sing?   What makes you shake and dance inside...  deep inside?  And are you doing it?

I want to do it more.

Father, teach me to do those things that will make me most happy, truly happy!  Lord, may I honor You with all of me.  Thank you for making me and creating me uniquely.  Help me to know how You have gifted me and to know how You would have me give of myself for Your glory and Kingdom.  For I am Your masterpiece.  You have created me in Christ Jesus, so that I can do the good things You have planned long ago!!  Ephesians 2:10

Delight Over You

Delight.

What a beautiful word.  There is something whole and sweet about the concept of delight.

It is a good word.  For me, it brings to mind little girls twirling, boys making up silly songs and yummy ice-cream cones.  This word communicates to my heart a picture of laughter and smiling faces.

This afternoon, I read words that seemed to jump off the page, "The Lord takes delight in His people..." (Psalm 149:4).  I was so struck with these words, having read them in my devotional,  I actually had to turn in my Bible to check if it did indeed say that... And, it does!  The Lord takes delight.  Delight.  What a word!

I have read this before.  I know this, right?  I would have been able to articulate God's love for His kids.  But, something about these words struck a chord with me today.

Is it because I have taken delight, much delight, in my daughter lately?  I can relate to the word delight.  Recently, I have been aware of my delight over my girl.  I have watched her interact with people, or worship the Lord... and I have delighted.

I watch her wrestle with deep, hard, heavy emotions and communicate through conflict ... and I delight.  As she grows and stretches her budding wings, I have deeply delighted in her.  Recently, I have genuinely delighted in my girl.

To imagine that God Almighty feels such an emotion about His children, ...about me..., touches my heart today in a special way.

And, to be clear, my sweet girl has not been perfect recently.  To be honest, there have been many moments, of late, that I have certainly not enjoyed with my darling pre-teen!  Her behavior has not always been pristine, to be sure.   

But, my delight in my children hasn't been limited to now: when they are old enough to do right, or to respond well, or to love me back.  I delighted in my girl the day she was born.  I remember singing over her and smiling at the sight of her.  I remember hopefulness and awe.  I remember pure joy in her little nose, her wiggling arms, her wandering eyes.  Every non-verbal, non-important sound she made... I delighted.

Even now, I look at my son's face and see his freckles... and I delight.  He doesn't have to do anything...

photo source

What does delight feel like?  When I delight in my kids, I feel ...warm inside.  I feel fullness. Contented joy. I feel proud.  I smile.  I feel connected to them.  I long to be with them and look at them.  I stand in wonder and in awe.  I feel happy and I anticipate.  I feel hope when I delight in my kids.  I wonder what they will become, or I long to see them go even further still.  Is this delight?   Is this, in part, how my Father feels about His kids?  Is this how He feels about me... about you?

What a thought!

His word tells us that He delights in His children.  Psalm 147... tells us again, "The Lord delights in those who fear Him, those who put their hope in His unfailing love".  That is me.  I fear the Lord (certainly, I desire and am learning to fear Him) and I put my hope in His love!  He delights in these--- His kids.

He delights in me.

Do I know this to be true about God's love over His people in general, yes.  But, to be honest, this is hard for me to take-in, to really believe, for me.  I need to sit in this awhile and ask Him to show me His Truth.

Zephaniah 3:17 says that the Lord rejoices over His children with gladness.  He sings over them and enjoys them.  He is happy over them.  Do I make Him smile?

John Piper is famous for his words about our delight in God, and God's delight and pleasure over His children.  And, I am thankful that he (and many other's before him) remind us of this Truth.  (to read more:  Why God Tells Us He Delights, by John Piper).

We need to know Who God really is... and we need to know who we really are, in Him.  

To walk each and every day in the knowledge of His delight over me... how would this impact me, my thoughts, my everyday actions?

Father, show me more of You.  Thank you for Your word that is alive and active.  Holy Spirit, teach me and lead me into all Truth!  May I know You more, Who You really are.  And, may I know Your Truth about me.  ...to think rightly about You, about me and about all Your children.  Teach me, Lord.  For Your glory alone...  

Good Medicine

Today is Red Nose Day in the UK. A day for laughter, silly behavior, and fun. It is a day where people do funny things, all with the purpose of bringing joy to a place where needs are great. A fun, laugh filled day to raise funds and give money. What a great idea!?

Our world needs relief. Comic relief. And, comedy, ... good comedy... , does bring relief, doesn't it? Laughter is good medicine. Laughter is good for the soul. "A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17: 22).

Today in honor of "red nose day" my friend came to our daily prayer times wearing a very silly shirt. His shirt, and his proudly wearing it for comic relief, brought immediate laughter. My stomach hurt while I laughed. Good clean laughter. Good clean fun. Relief through comedy. What a blessing!

Something just feels right when we laugh together. Something just feels good when I watch my kids "crack up"... their faces twisted and their mouths open, heads back. ...laughing.

My family read this morning in Nehemiah 8. Ezra brings the Word of God to the people. They all listen intently. The worshiped and lifted their hands in praise as they heard. Then they all bowed down and received God's Word with reverence. And, then they all repent and weep. What a sweet response to the Lord! Worship. Humility. Surrender. Repentance. Weeping. Doesn't it just seem a fitting and right response! And, I believe God was honored that 5th century day.

And, then,... a possible surprise of anyone who reads this passage... "Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.” He tells them to go and have a party. Go, he says, and celebrate! Go and enjoy! Isn't he telling them to go, eat and be merry! Laugh.

We spent our morning prayer time asking God to bless us and others with joy and laughter. We asked God to open our hearts and minds to an eternal perspective that allows us to "laugh at the days to come" (Prov. 31:25) We asked that this joy, this laughter, would be our strength and our dignity.

When my eyes are open and I am looking, watching, for God's comic relief, I don't have to go far to see it.

*That look my puppy gives when she is curious, head cocked to one side...

*that laughter that erupts at the dinner table from my 8 year old son when "a sound" comes from our bodies ... (he can't help himself but laugh!)

*that silly dance that my husband did while getting the chicken out of the refrigerator last night.

*the chase that happens in my tree outside, one bird chasing another. Diving, bobbing, calling out. It is funny to watch. It is funny IF I am watching and looking for it, I should say.

...light-hearted laughter. Comic relief.

Lord teach me to see more of You! All of You! May I worship you with all my self. ...my hands held high and my face bowed down. With weeping and laughter, may You receive all my praise and worship today!

God rolls Yahtzees

I believe God played Yahtzee with us the other night.

The faithful pursuit of the Father's love in my life has been steadfast and amazing. Time and time again, when my eyes are opened and I am aware, I have seen ...continue to see... His poured-out love and blessings in my life.

I saw Him the other night in the play, the laughter and the game.

The other night He poured out His love in Yahtzees. Seven Yahtzees in one game, to be exact. Whoever rolls seven Yahtzees in one game!?

Poet Elizabeth Browning says, "Earth's crammed with heaven, And every common bush afire with God: But only he who sees, takes off his shoes, The rest sit round it, and pluck blackberries."

As I have grown and continue to grow in awareness, I feel I am seeing Him more often and in the most unexpected ways. I believe He opened my eyes this special night.

The kids and I played Yahtzee. I was fully present in this moment, which can be a struggle. I was thoroughly enjoying myself with my children. It was a sweet moment of joy.

Somewhere in the middle of the game, I rolled a "Yahtzee" (not a common occurrence, I might add for those who may not frequent this particular game). Indeed, I rolled six "sixes" and we all cried in one loud voice (as we do), "Yahtzee!!". It always bring such rejoicing when a Yahtzee is rolled!

I wrote "50 points" on my score sheet and passed the dice onward. My son rolled as normal and when it came to my daughter's turn, she rolled her dice and ... rolled a Yahtzee! (was it six "fives" this time? I don't remember.). We all laughed and cheered and yelled, "Yahtzee!!". She wrote down her 50 points. A second Yahtzee!! Wow. This was indeed rare... and very fun.

And, then it was my turn again. And, would you believe that I rolled... ANOTHER "Yahtzee!". By this time we were all in hysterics... laughing to tears in unbelief and in cheerful glee. I immediately put my hands up in worship and said out-loud, "I think God is just blessing us right now, guys! I just feel He is saying, "I love you with Yahtzees!"

Right after my shout of praise and pronouncement, my sweet 8 year old son said, with a tinge of sadness, "But He isn't blessing me....". Oh, sweet boy!

"He is blessing our game, our family, and you are a part of that, my sweet boy", I said. He agreed, a bit begrudgingly, and then rolled his dice. And, yep... (I am not exaggerating here in any way!)... yep, you guessed it, my son rolled the next Yahtzee!!

At that point, the laughter was hilarious. Any outsider would have thought us all mad! All three of us were wriggling, bouncing and laughing with tears. We were all thanking God for His love and His blessing.

We proceeded to roll a total of seven separate Yahtzees that game! Seven. And, the new mantra now in our family is "Yahtzees aren't hard for God!" He can just roll them whenever He wants!

So with Elizabeth Browning, I say, "Play is crammed with heaven. Every Yahtzee-game aflame with God"

Teach me to see you more and more, Father. Help me to know You are always present and to be ever aware of Your Presence. Open my eyes, my heart and my mind to You in every game I play... every email I write... every phone conversation... Make me more and more aware of You!

"To See a World in a grain of sand,

And a Heaven in a wild flower,

Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand,

and Eternity in an hour" ~William Blake

Sunshine and Rain

Sunshine and rain.

Rarely do they go together. But, when they do... it is spectacular!

I sat today. A moment of quiet. While I waited for my children's lessons to be through, I sat in the rain.

The rain was pounding on the top of my car. The noise itself drowned out and interrupted the music coming from my CD player. It was a massive downpour. And, then, all of a sudden the sun began to shine. It kept raining. But, the sun was shining on the rain. While it poured, the sun lit up the rain all around me. It was remarkable.

God's amazing beauty and glory was shining forth that very moment. ...as the rain poured down.

I wonder if that is what it might be like when we "rejoice in suffering" or "count it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of many kind".

The dark, ominous, loud rain was softened and brightened... breathtaking and beautiful...

Is this what might happen to my sorrows, my trials, my disappointments?

Would they change colors and be radiant if I saw them through joyful lenses, a thankful heart, and knowledge of God's goodness and Glory.

What if I noticed His light shining on my pain? What if the sunshine, the glory of God, shone down on all my rain. Wouldn't it make my trials beautiful? Might there be rejoicing in the suffering, if the "rain" looked that beautiful in God's glory?

When the sun peered through the clouds and shone brilliantly on the rain today, I instinctively looked for a rainbow. I didn't see one. But, I knew that there was a real possibility that there was one... there could be one... there might be one any minute now!

... isn't that hope? What welled up in my heart that quiet moment in the rain was joy, awe and hope. What would this sunshine... these things... joy, awe, and hope do to my personal "rain"?

Sunshine and rain. God's beauty shining through.

Beautiful Laughter

Laughter filled our car and our souls. I laughed so hard that my stomach began to ache and my face was hurting from smiling. The laughter welling up within would finally begin to die down and one of my kids, or my husband, would say something even a little funny... and the laughter would burst forth with power. The car was booming with giggles and belly laughs.

I will say we do laugh a lot in our family. But, those moments are priceless and beautiful. Those moments are almost frozen in time. Frozen in my memory are the sounds, the jokes, the music of laughter from the back seat, the look on his face--- her face---, the "stop" that I yell at my husband through laughter so that the "laughter-torture" will cease. ... sweet and priceless.

I wonder what Jesus looked like when He laughed? What does God's laughter sound like?

Certainly He does laugh, right? He IS exceedingly joyful and happy. John Piper describes Christ, "as always indestructibly happy." And, Proverbs declares that He was beside God, the Father at Creation, "daily his delight, rejoicing before him always". And, again, in Hebrews Christ is described as being "anointed with God's oil of gladness". Gladness. Joy. Happiness.

Just as tears are an outlet for anger, sadness, and frustration; laughter is one physical outlet for joy, happiness, and contentment. And, certainly God created it in us. Yes, indeed, I do believe that the Son of Man laughed. What might it have looked like to see Him laugh?! I wish we had a record of it. I wish I could know what His face might look like or what His laugh sounded like.

When He laughed, did His side ever ache? Did His head fall back and His mouth gape open as He laughed? Did His laugh sound deep like a storm, like thunder or a crashing wave? Or, does God's laugh sound light and sing-songy like a bird? Or does He laugh like my son who laughs almost without sound... just air coming forth from His mouth? I wonder, Did He cover His mouth like I do when I laugh? or did He snort like my sweet daughter will do from time to time? What did Jesus sound like when He laughed?

I like to imagine it. It brings peace to my heart to think of my sweet Jesus laughing.

Did He laugh with us yesterday as our bellies hurt and our faces grew sore from smiling? I like to wonder what joy He was feeling as laughter filled our car and was medicine for our souls.