The Waiting Deposit

 

There is a sadness that sits in the silence

as I go looking for you.

I wait and wonder, 

where I am and where you are.

What I know to be true and feel in these moments

are far from each other.

So, I wait and wonder, 

when you will come, when I will feel you.

Deeper still, I listen hard and sit long

I sense your Presence.

I wait and I wonder...

A well of truth and love that fills

the depths of my soul.

I wait and wonder...

This recessed deposit reminds me

a future that will come. 

I wait and I wonder...

Sunken deep, a guarantee

my spirit tastes and sees.

So, I wait and I wonder, 

where I am and when you will come.  

"The Spirit is God’s deposit guaranteeing that he will give us the inheritance he promised 

and that he has purchased us to be his own people. 

He did this so we would praise and glorify him."  Ephesians 1:14

 

"It is God who enables us, along with you, to stand firm for Christ.  

He set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts 

as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come."  2 Corinthians 1:21-22

A Buzzing Mind

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My mind was whizzing and buzzing and clanking and spinning when I sat in my "quiet-time" chair.  Far from quiet, the thoughts whirling in my head reminded me of some Dr. Seuss rhyme describing Christmas morning noise!  Noise. Noise! Noise!!

Do you ever feel like your brain just won't shut off?  Busy.  Loud. Non-stop.

I felt that way this morning.

As I sat, I attempted the "breathe prayer" that had been so sweet and special to me last week:

"Be still... Be still and know that I am God".

Nothing seemed to bring calm.  Nothing stopped the next "to-do" flooding my mind.  ...more plans to make, lists to write and calculating needed.

Time passed and the internal noise only continued.  A bit frustrated and still buzzing with thoughts, I rose from my noisy-quiet-time and began my day.

While cleaning the dishes, I decided to listen to my "pray-as-you-go" app...  (wonderful resource!)  And, it was in that moment, with the first note of the song playing that the Spirit of God brought calm to my mind.

Beautiful words wafted from my ipod into and over my heart.

Almost like a sinking down, I could feel myself take a long, deep, full breath from the Words...

"O Lord, You search me and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise... you perceive my thoughts from afar.."   The Sons of Korah sang God's word over me and the Word brought light and peace.

Right there in the midst of my kitchen... hands soapy and dishes piled high... He brought rest and quiet. Quiet in the midst of noise.

I know you, Stephanie.  I know these thoughts.

He knows me!

He isn't surprised at the whiz and busy and buzzing.   He isn't upset and He isn't bothered.  He knows.  

Just the thought of my Almighty, All Powerful, Ever-Close Father knowing my every thought brought comfort.  He knows.   He knows what I have to do today and He knows where I am borrowing worry for tomorrow.  And, He is okay.

Your loving knowledge is amazing to me.  I am so grateful!  I am also sorry, Lord, that I worry and I run around panting for mental breath and rest.  You offer me daily rest for my soul.  Thank you for the grace that covers all that!  You know me and your love is unfailing.  

Get out of the car!

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It is truly amazing what a bit of time, a bit of space and whole lot of quiet will open up in the soul.

Why is it so natural for me to feel like a "bother", Lord?  What is this?  

This is where our conversation started.  Quiet and space---a special set aside time away with the Lord--- allowed for me to dive deeper, sit longer and listen.

I feel like I am always bothering people...  with my issues, my needs, my emails, my phone calls, my sharing, or my posts.  I know this is a feeling---not a reality---but, it is a strong feeling, Lord.  Why do I have this?  Where did this all begin, Holy Spirit?  Please show me...  

This isn't the first time I have questioned the Lord regarding my soul and my painful places...  I have learned this wonderful technique of listening prayer from a dear friend and mentor.  "Wholeness prayer" is what she calls it.  Simply put, God guides, answers and leads us forward to wholeness through prayer: a simple conversation.  And, I have seen such amazing victory in my life and the lives of many others using this type of prayer.

I often ask the Lord these kinds of questions about many areas of my life.  Why am I so worried about my health---so afraid of loss---so angry about this event---so drawn to this sin, Lord?  Where did it start?  Show me Your truth, Your Light, I ask.  Please show me You, God!  

Do you see a stuck place in your life?  ...ask the Lord about it.
Why am I stuck with this same response, Lord?  Why is this so hard for me?  And then listen.  Sit and listen.

What do you see in your mind's eye, what might His Spirit whisper into your heart, what Scripture comes to mind, or what memory floods?

Tell Him what you are seeing, sensing, feeling as you listen... converse with Him.  He is a real Person---a very real Counselor that knows you inside and out.

When did I begin to feel like a "bother"? Where did this start, Lord?  Or, when did I begin to feel this way?  

As I sat and listened, after some time, I remembered an event from my teen years.  I had visited a trusted mentor with a problem.  I had walked into their office and began to share, ...to cry, ...to vent.  During the time and even as I remembered this memory (these 23 years later), it became very clear that this person was agitated, annoyed and distinctly bothered by my sharing.  I don't know that they said so directly, with words... in fact, I am sure they probably didn't.  But, their frustration with my pain was clear and loud.   They were bothered by me, by my tears and by my sharing.  I was clearly "in the way".  A bother.

As I sat and thought over the memory, asking the Lord, "Show me your truth, Lord Jesus"  The memory continued.  I remember getting up from my seat, exiting the office quickly and getting into my car to drive away.  This isn't my imagination---this is a memory.  At the time, I remember thinking, very distinctly, as I buckled my seat belt, "Just shut up, Stephanie!"  Click.  Buckled in.  "I won't ever share like that again!", I vowed in my heart.

Hmmm....

I believe this is what the Lord wanted me to see...

As I sat with this image and the shame of the moment---deep shame, visceral shame flooded me at that time and even flooded me afresh as I remembered how embarrassed I was with my "behavior" (how dare I share my heart so vulnerably and smack dab in the middle of the day!)--- I asked the Spirit of Christ again, "Please Lord show me Your Truth, Your light.  What are Your thoughts."  

Even as I asked, I had a clear answer...  Get out of the car.  Unbuckle your seat belt and get out of the car! 

Get out of the car?  was my response to this thought.  Really?  Is this from You, Lord?  

It isn't what I was expecting, to be sure.  I was expecting something akin to, "You are my beloved daughter. I am always listening to you.  Or, I see you."  But, nope.  Get out of the car, Stephanie.

It took nearly 20 minutes and many, many times re-asking the Lord what His thoughts were...

Until I finally, in my mind's eye-now (not a memory), finally... with prayerful imagination, I unbuckled my seat belt and stepped out of the car.

In that moment, deep relief flooded my heart!  One moment of obedience and submission of spirit--courage to prayerfully "step out of the car" and bam!---peace.  Deep peace flooded.    It is hard to describe.

He knew that that moment in time---20 years ago-- I had made a choice of will to listen to the lies of the enemy!  The enemy of my soul had told me to shut up and stop sharing.  And, I chose to buckle myself into the lie.  Click.  Buckled down and silenced.

Yesterday, it was a response of my will, my spirit and my trust to unbuckle that lie...  and silence the Liar and Destroyer.  It was sweet release.

In my mind's eye, I saw myself... Stephanie, 17 years of age.... standing on the outside of the car.  Breathing fresh air!  Free. Free to be me.  To share and to keep "pestering" with my vulnerability and my weakness.  Free to cry.  And, free to play.  Free from the thoughts of that mentor, free from what they believed about me.

Free.

I am sure that I will still struggle with feeling I am a "bother" from time to time.  There are deeper places for the Lord and I to dive-into... in His time.  But, I will have this special moment of Light and Truth to take into the battle for freedom.

This freedom is only one amazing benefit from a bit of space, a bit of time and whole lot of quiet.

Catch up, Soul...

I heard a phrase some time back that has been bouncing around in my head this week, "Sometimes our souls just need to catch up with our bodies"

My soul most definitely needs some catchin' up!

Less than a week ago, we boarded a flight and jet-set over and across the Atlantic.  Right now, my body has settled down in our overseas home.  We are unpacked and starting back to schooling today.  Back to laundry, grocery shopping, work and friends.  I am physically back to "normal life" and Father's work... but my soul seems to be lagging behind my body.  My soul has not quite caught up!

Sometimes I think the 3 month sea voyage that our colleagues took some 100 years ago had its advantages. (albeit, I admit the scurvy and pirates were a problem!)  If anything, though, their long journey gave them plenty of time to prepare and to process.  Time to think and read.  And sit and wait.

Now with modern travel, as my husband is fond of saying, "we just step into the wardrobe and blam! we are in Narnia"--- and it is cold here!

I think in the past few weeks, I simply ran too fast and too far ahead.  Do you ever feel that way?

So, I am requiring of myself... in love...a sit and be still moment often during my day.  Just sit and be still for a few minutes and let your soul catch up, Stephanie.  Think a bit.  Wait a moment.  Sit.  and Pray.  and read.  And do nothing... for a moment.  Or, two, or three...

Silence.  Stillness.

Yes, the laundry needs to be hung to dry... but it can wait 2 or 3 minutes, right?  Or, can it even wait until tomorrow?  Yes, that email needs to be written... but it, too can wait, a few minutes, even a few days.   Yep, my girl needs me to explain her math...  "Sweet girl, I will be there in 5 minutes.  I am just finishing up a quiet moment with Jesus."

I am attempting to push through the tyranny-of-it-feels-urgent, in order to allow my body to sit, my mind to rest, my hearts to ponder and my spirit to pray.

It takes time for a soul to catch up.

A must

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I am convinced.  


It is a must*. (*dictionary definition:  to be urged, ought, by all means to, to be compelled, or necessary...)


I know it isn't politically correct to say "this or that" is good for everyone.  And, yes, I know and believe with my whole heart that we are all unique and very different.  I know that any time we make a blanket statement or paint with a wide brush we run into trouble...  I know.  But, I am convinced--- deeply convinced--- that all of us, yes each and everyone of us, needs to take significant time away to be alone with God.  


We need solitude.  We need silence.  We need to get away.  ...to slip away and take time, a good amount of time, to spend with the Father.  


We need time to sit still.  We need to listen.  We need to ponder and pray.  We need to ask and wrestle, to read and learn, to study and worship.  We need time to relax and just sit with God.  


It is a must.  And, honestly, if I were forced to pick just one spiritual practice that has had the biggest impact on my life it would be this...  spiritual retreats, my get-aways with God.  


Now, how you do it---the timing, the place, the surrounding--- will vary, of course.  Creativity is key!  And, what you do while you are away with Him will indeed vary from person to person.  This is where the uniqueness and individuality is so apparent and beautiful.  In fact, through the years, the time allotted to this has changed and shifted.  And, each time I get away with Him, it looks a bit different.  But, the need for solitude and silence, I am certain, is a must.  


I just got away with Him.  Scheduled months in advance and set apart as sacred on the calendar, I had a long, lingering "date" with God.   Was it hard to find time?  Yes!! Was it hard to go?  Yes, absolutely.  Every time there are 16 or 20 reasons why I shouldn't go away.  


And, was it sweet?  Yes, a thousand times yes!  And, challenging.  And, tender.  And, encouraging.  And, convicting.  And, difficult.  And, refreshing...  And, definitely a must for me.  

"Our religious activities should be ordered in such a way as to have plenty of time for the cultivation of the fruits of solitude and silence." ~A.W. Tozer

"Solitude begins with a time and a place for God, and God alone.  If we really believe not only that God exists but also that God is actively present in our lives--healing, teaching, and guiding--we need to set aside time and space to give God our undivided attention. (Matt. 6:6)"  ~Henri Nouwen

Advent Noise

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I feel it creeping it's way into my mind and my soul.  A cacophony.

Pushing in and crowding out, the noises of the Christmas season, circle and engulf.  Do you feel this way?

The "to-do" list is long and the activities are in full swing.  Advent noises...

And actually most of the Christmas noise is truly joyful.

They are noises I have chosen.  And, noises I invite...

...The extra reading times, playing times, fun times with my kids off school...
...Friends over and Christmas carols pulsating around my home.
...The wrapping of carefully chosen gifts.
...The making of ornaments for dear friends.
...The "baking day" my kids look forward to each year and opening our home to any who might come join us to decorate that special ginger bread man!
And, the plans to cook, to clean, to give this and give that---  sweet joys of Christmas, really, sweet noise.

But, piled up and stacked high these joys can feel heavy and overly loud.  Creeping, pressuring, pulsing noise can fill my soul.

I have been asking Father God to help me slow down each day enough to hear Him, to see Him, to worship Him.  And, as I sit... I find it hard.  I feel the noises running around my mind crowding out His voice.

So, I had a thought last night as I discussed this with my Father in Heaven.

I don't feel He is asking me to stop the activities of Christmas--- the joys of giving, serving, singing, playing --- the people and the parties.  I feel He is inviting me to stop the "extra" noises I can control and choose.  I can turn off any excess noise I don't really need this week.  I can "turn down" the knobs that I don't need this week.

And, so, I am choosing Advent Silence this week.  ---no media, no computer, and nothing extra to add to the beautiful noises of advent.  That means no television.  No movies.  No internet.  No blog.  No email.(only one daily uick scan of email to keep in contact with my widely spread overseas family!)

I am shutting down all and any extra noise.  And, I will go looking for quiet and silence.

When I wrap those presents,  I will do it in silence and quiet.
When I write the Christmas cards, I will do it with no extra noise around me (minus the beautiful noises of my children, the ringing phone and the wizzing of the washing machine).

I don't really need to watch "another" Christmas movie? Do I?  Or, read that blog right now?  Or, just check facebook one more time.  I can turn off those noises.

So, this will be my last post until after Christmas.  I am shutting down.  ...in search of a bit of silence to balance the beautiful noises of the Season.

"Silence means rest, rest of body and mind, in which we become available for God."  ~Henri Nouwen, "Training"

 "Silence is the discipline that helps us to go beyond the entertainment quality of our lives." ~Henri Nouwen, "Can you drink the cup"

"What finally matters is that our hearts become like quiet cells where God can dwell, wherever we go and whatever we do.  The more we train ourselves to spend time with God and God alone, the more we will discover that God is with us at all times and in all places.  Then we will be able to recognize God even in midst of a busy and active life."  ~Henri Nouwen, "Making All Things New"

May you find God's sweet voice and know His tender Presence in the midst of the lovely noises of the Advent Season.  May you have a Merry and Happy Christmas!

Silence and Noise

"We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature--trees, flowers, grass--- grow in silence; see the stars, the moon, and the sun, how they move in silence. We need to be silent to be able to touch souls. ~Mother Teresa

Life includes a lot of noise, doesn't it?

Not all the noise is a bad thing, for sure! Some of the noise---maybe even most of the noise---is beautiful and a deep joy!

...My kids play, songs and laughter ...The noise of the piano practice ...phone calls and friendly visits ...rain on the windows ... and the noise of the washing machine. All these are blessings. All gift-noise in my life.

Last night the wind whipped loudly through the street outside my window. It was strong and loud. The wind's activity was loud enough to wake me. It's noise powerful enough to break through the double glazed window in my room. And, it wasn't an unwelcome noise, or a "bad" noise. Not really. When I hear or see the wind here, I am often moved to worship and in awe at our wind-Creating, wind-Controlling Father in Heaven!

But, it did disturb my sleep. Even the wind, not a 'bad' noise, was a disturbance none-the-less.

Silence in my life is necessary. I must sit and be still. If I am to hear the thoughts in my mind, the movements of my spirit or the motives of my heart... I have to listen. We must take time to listen. And, silence takes time... it is more than just one moment.

I must choose it. As much as possible, at times, I must walk away from and put a stop to the noises of life.

But, silence is far beyond simply ridding myself and my surroundings of external noise. I believe it is much more than that. I believe God invites us to something much deeper within. I think He invites His children to a different silence, a Spiritual-soul silence.

As I have shared I suffer with tinnitus... a constant, multi-toned, constant, high-pitched, (did I mention constant) ringing in my ear... So, for all intensive purposes, I can never really rid myself of noise.

Oh! but, I can!? And, that is what He is showing me. Silence is deeper. Deeper within...

Yes, it means I must still choose an actual quiet moment (or moments) in my day. It means taking time to sit, to be still, to think and to ask Father to search... but, it is more than that... it is a soul silence I need to seek, to develop, to ask for within. Within and throughout. A silence that I can walk in all day long.

This is what I am asking for today. I am asking for this life of the Spirit, deep within, that allows for deep, abiding silence while the washing machine is going, the piano practice is in full swing, and while the wind howls outside. This silence is what I need and long for.

For, "where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom" (2 Corinthians 3:17)

And, "the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace." (Romans 8:6)

Freedom. Life. Peace.

What an invitation we have from God, who is Spirit! What a glorious, beautiful invitation!

I will look for You, today, Father... You, God Almighty, friend of silence. You, giver of freedom, life and peace. Today, I will look within for where You dwell in me, for I am Your temple. And, by Your grace, I choose to walk by Your Spirit... to seek You beyond the noises of life and mind. Thank you, Jesus, for opening the way. Thank you, Jesus!

No man can hinder our private addresses to God; every man can build a chapel in his breast, himself the priest, his heart the sacrifice, and the earth he treads on, the altar.  ~Jeremy Taylor (1613)

Deeper in my gut

I live much of my life in my head.

I think a lot. ...maybe too much at times! Not that my thoughts are particularly profound or important; mostly they are not. Much of the time I am thinking on the mundane, the every-day, and the confusing. Tasks, to-dos, worries and cares can occupy or plague my mind through the day. But, regardless of what I am thinking, I do indeed think a lot.

In the last 10 years, silence and solitude have been extremely important to the vibrancy of my walk with God. I am so grateful for a mentor who opened my eyes to this essential concept by pointing us to Henri Nouwen's book, Way of the Heart.

So with the combination of "living in my head" and my need for silence, you can imagine that the tinnitus that I have experienced this past year has been quite a struggle for me! This "ringing" has been pretty-well constant and loud since September 2009. And, it can really throw me off!

This morning I sat for my solitude time with the Lord. As I sat there all I could hear was the ringing. R..i..n..g..i..n..g..!! (I can even distinguish three different tones).

Ugh. Father!! ...my heart cried out! Would you please heal this! I can hardly hear myself think. How am I to find you here and to hear Your voice?! Father, please... (this isn't the first time I have asked Him for healing. I can't count the number of times...)

The ringing continued and there was no healing. Not today.

But there was a whisper into my heart... loud and clear. I believe the Spirit answered my plea with a two simple words, "deeper still".

Deeper still, Stephanie.

The Kazakhs believe that you live life, your passions, your loves not from your head and not from your heart, but from your innards. They believe you life it from your gut. The word for "heart" in Kazakh... when you love someone or something "from your heart" ...is liver.

To a Kazakh you love your wife with your liver. You love your children with your liver. In fact when a Kazakh becomes a believer in Christ, he doesn't ask the Spirit of Jesus into his heart--- he asks the Spirit of God into his liver. The Spirit of God dwells in their gut.

Deeper sill, Stephanie.

I believe God is asking me to live from my gut. I believe He is inviting me to find Him deeper than my mind, my brain, my thoughts, my "beliefs". He wants me to know Him, love Him and find Him in my liver.

I know that we are wonderfully integrated beings... our "heads" and "hearts"--- our minds and souls --- our spirits--- are all beautifully integrated! But, I am simple minded. Truly, I am. And, so this distinction was helpful to me this morning.

Not from your head, Stephanie. ...know me from your liver. Go deeper still.

The stillness I seek is not to be found in my head. The silence isn't about my thoughts, the noise or my circumstances... that loud clock, the arguing kids, the laundry pile, or the construction next door.

I can find this silence, this stillness, this Presence, deeper still. I can ask the Spirit of God to well-up from my gut and fill my insides. I can imagine His living water moving, filling, and engulfing my innards.

So, I am asking Father God to show me Himself deep within. I am asking Him to well-up worship from my gut today... not from my head. I am asking Him to let my heart, my liver, inform my mind. I am asking Him to let His Presence deep within overshadow the ringing in my ears and the mundane thoughts in my head. I am asking Him to help me to go deeper still...

"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flows the springs of life" Proverbs 4:23

It is better...

So, I went to a funeral today.

I didn't know the man myself, but went to support and show love to a friend. And, I am so glad I did.

There is something so true about Solomon's advice in Ecclesiastes 7:2: "It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart."

Not to be morbid, but it does a heart good to contemplate death. Truly, it does a soul good to remember the fragility of life here on earth.

I took it to heart today.

The preacher reminded us all that we each and every one have at least two things in common: 1). We never really expect to die, or expect the death of those we love. and, 2). We all die.

We all die.

All death... even those you know are on the edge... all death is a bit of a shock. All death surprises us. All death doesn't feel right. It is never the right time. You never have "enough" time with someone that you love. Not really.

I was reminded today that life here on earth, this body... this earth... is just a whisper.

David in Psalm 39 says, "You have made my days a mere hand-breadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath. Selah" A breath. That's all.

As I type this, I stop to take a breath. In and out I breathe... each breath so short.

David end's this statement of truth with "Selah". Selah can mean "to pause, to think about. To measure... to wait. To praise".

You have made my days a mere hand-breadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath. Selah

Selah... I can say to my Father, my Maker.

My life is short. My days are numbered. My years are few. Life here on earth is only a breath. ...only a whisper. Selah, Father. I pause. I sit and wait in this thought.

I pause. I am silent with the thought.

I worship.

...so thankful that I had the privilege to attend a funeral today.

Remember and Go

I have written before about spiritual amnesia. I think I have another case of it today. I hope it isn't catching!

For years now, I have practiced the rhythm of "taking spiritual retreats". My husband and I look ahead at the calendar and pick a day (or even a few days) that would work. We schedule it for me. We schedule it for him. And, then we give each other the gift of silence and solitude. We say to each other, "get out of here and spend time some time with Jesus".

So, my 'scheduled day' is today. And, in a few hours I will pack up for the day and head out to be with my Lord. My husband will take care of the house, the kids, even schooling and caring for dinner. I can just be.

Even though, I have done this a thousand times... how many years now? Even though I have a thousand moments of sweetness logged away in my journal, my memory and my heart; EVERY time, without fail, I struggle with going.

Is it simply the enemy fighting against this discipline? That is very possible!

Is it simply because I am a recovering control freak and still sometimes struggle to leave my children, my "responsibilities" of home and schooling?

Is it a case of spiritual amnesia? I do remember in my head that my times away are always good, albeit not always easy, but always good. I remember that my husband is a fabulous father and dad. I remember that solitude and silence does feed my soul. I know in my head I need these. So, what am I forgetting? What am I fearing? Why don't I want to go?

Is it a fear that He won't show up? Do I really fear sitting there twitting my thumbs? Is it I fear that He will "show up" and put His so kind finger on a sin issue!? That can be painful. And, I don't love pain.

I don't know.

What I do remember, though, even as I type... is that I always feel similarly before getting away with Him. And, I also remember that I am always glad I did go. I remember this and so I go.

For, I know and remember now that sitting at His feet is never a waste. And, so I go. I remember now that life and busy-ness and house and home can leave my soul tired and full of noise. Silence is a good thing. Solitude is solid ground. Silence, solitude and sitting is a good place for pruning and fresh growth. And, I do long for fresh growth. I remember these things... and I go.

The best ground, unfilled and neglected, soonest runs out into rank weeds. A man of knowledge that is either negligent or uncorrected cannot but grow wild and godless. ~Joseph Hall (1574-1656)

Relax

He just says, Relax. ...and let go.

I can so easily get worked up about this or that. Important things. Stupid things. Equally so, I just get worried, or harried, or overwhelmed.

And, when I take a moment to sit.... When I sit in silence asking for His love to surround, to uphold, to cover ... He speaks. He whispers, Relax. His word speaks. His Spirit speaks. He shows up.

He speaks His Presence when I take the time to listen. In the midst of the busy, noisy life ...when I take that moment ... when I sit my rear-end in a chair (and sit my mind down too) long enough to listen, He speaks Himself. His Presence. His bigness. His care. His love.

I will be with you. I will carry you. I will walk with you.

I am here. I am with you. I am carrying you and walking with you.

All worry seems to fade, or dim. All anxious thoughts are surrounded and covered. All hurriedness is wrapped and quieted in that moment.

Teach me to listen, Lord. Make me more aware of You, Your sweet Presence and Your love today! Help me to relax and to let go. Help me to surrender.

“Stress isn’t a situation. Stress is a state of mind.” ~Ann Voskamp at A Holy Experience

Big Silence

I was up till 1:00 AM Friday night.

I stayed up late watching a fascinating show on BBC called "The Big Silence". For anyone who knows me well, they would know it is not common for me to -- A). Stay up late (I am a seriously "early-to-bed-girl" and, B). Stay up late to watch television. But, I stayed up late. Very late, in fact. I was so deeply moved and fascinated by this show. Early that evening, I went on-line, in fact and watched all three hour long episodes in one sitting... My husband was shocked by the behaviour and he laughed at me!

The show basically explored what solitude and silence does for the soul. For me solitude and silence has been key to my personal emotional and spiritual growth. I can't really articulate how intricate silence has been, but it has been huge. I watched in fascination as a Benedictine Monk took five volunteers, all from varied backgrounds and walks of life, and introduced them to solitude and silence.

After their eight days of a silent retreat, all five people were remarkably changed. It was clear that something very significant happened in their soul. Each one journeyed through frustration, deep dark valleys where they saw the emptiness of themselves, and difficult (hidden) emotions welled up from within each one. Taking away the noise, they all encountered their own "self" and it wasn't a pretty sight... all of them, women and men, young and old, rich and poor... all five came to a place of seeing themselves "more rightly" than they had ever before... just by allowing silence and turning off the numbing noises of life. They also each encountered a place of peace and calm that none had ever experienced.

In my personal journey with solitude and silence, I have found this to be true, as well. Both the darkness and the light have shown forth in these places of quiet.

As a believer it was fascinating to watch each of them encounter, very clearly, God. God's word, God's Presence, God's creation, God's Peace, and His voice were all distinctly felt and experienced by the volunteers at one point. They even articulated it.... and knew it was not from within. It was not "from them" but from "another". And, yet, three of the five walked away from the time not wanting to label that "other" they were encountering- "God". And, certainly these three were not willing to surrender their lives to Him and His love... and this felt deeply sad to me.

Like a man who stands at the door to a warm house, feels the warmth and knows (on one level) the safety that the warmth would provide him... but he chooses to not enter and just to stand outside. There is so much more warmth here by the fire! I would want to yell at that man. Come in you are welcome. Come in... you are only getting a taste of what you can have on the inside!

I wanted to yell this at the television as I watched! Oh, just one more step inside... it is lovely in here.

But we are all on a journey. And, these five individuals were given a sweet taste of what quiet, solitude and silence can do for the soul. And, for me, on my late-night rendezvous with the concept of The Big Silence, I was motivated to go to my calendar and set a block of time in the near future to taste it again. Very soon.

Equilibrium

"I can't think of anything worth saying... but I know I owe you my life" (Aaron Shust)

My equilibrium is off. Not physically, but spiritually and emotionally. I am out-of-sorts and unbalanced. I feel unstable and maybe a bit confused. I am tired and cranky. And, my thoughts are random and distracted.

"Dazed and confused. Calloused and bruised. My spirit is left wanting something more.." (Aaron Shust writes in his "Give Me Words to Speak") And, he sings words that seem to connect to my heart.

What words do I have?

I just read a quote by Blaise Pascal and a light bulb went off for me, "All human evil comes from a single cause, man's inability to sit still in a room. All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone."

I think I need to sit still. I need the muddied waters of my soul, my mind, and my heart to settle down. I need to think. I need to feel. I think I just need to sit still.

Last night I had the opportunity to sit quietly in a room... alone. And, I just didn't take it. I turned on a movie and added to the noise, the imbalance, to the chaos that is my heart.

Why do I run from it? Why don't I take those sweet stolen moments the Father gives to me, those quiet moments... that I know will set me right, or in the least begin the process of "righting" my balance.

In part, I think I am trying to run from the pain, from the sadness that still lingers in my heart from this week's difficult and sad news. I think, in part, the outside noise drowns out the chaotic flow of thoughts and questions raging in my heart right now. ... this is easier, right?--- to live in the noise and the business of life, ignoring the presence of overwhelming questions and unanswerable issues of life.

But I know better. I really do. I know that I need to sit still and just think. I need to feel those hard feelings. I need to ask those difficult questions of my Father. I need to quiet down and let silence, solitude, and His Presence do a work that noise and activity will never accomplish.

...to set my equilibrium right. For, I am a bit off today.

"Give me words to speak, don't let my spirit sleep. Cuz I can't think of anything worth saying... but I know I owe you my life."

It often cheers my heart to think that since the Lord made me he can put me right, and keep me so to the end.
- Charles Spurgeon

Mud settles

Silence and solitude are essential for me.

My soul was a bit clouded this morning. A multitude of thoughts were whirling and swimming in my mind, my heart and my soul as I started my day. The "mud and muck" that was clouding me and my soul were not bad things. There were no particular "bad" thoughts... they were just thoughts..."to dos", questions, problems, and ideas.

I just seem to need space, time, and quiet to let all the thoughts settle down. In his excellent book, The Way of the Heart, Henri Nouwen deals with this human need for solitude so poignantly illustrating his point by likening our souls to a pond. Like a pond, the water (or our souls) easily becomes cloudy. As we trod through our week, the mud and muck are stirred up within us. Looking at the muddy pond quickly, one could think there was no life within its banks. But, given a moment... maybe a long moment depending on the trodding... the mud settles, the sediments find their home at the bottom of the pond and the water clears. In the water's stillness, life suddenly appears. We can see clearly what is in the pond, the life that lives there. We need to give our souls moments... sometimes long moments... to settle.

Day-in-and-day-out I am bombarded by thoughts, ideas, problems and tasks to do. Sources of input, both internal and external, are innumerable. Each week, maybe each day, solitude and silence are essential for me.

I remember a mentor once explaining that it took him an hour in prayer just to get past all the random, wandering, wavering and bombarding thoughts. He just expected it. He needed at least an hour of thinking, and sitting, and settling. He needed that first ...and then he could pray. I think I am realizing how important silence and solitude are for me.

I went on a long walk today. I walked and walked and walked. At first I was walking fast, hardly aware of my breakneck speed. Where was I going? What was I rushing for? It seemed my body was expressing outwardly the thoughts that were filling my mind. Busy, full, fast thoughts raced as I moved along quickly. But, as the walk continued, I began to slow down. As the solitude and silence of heart (for my walk, of course, was full of noises all around) allowed me time, space and a quiet moment, I was able to think all thoughts that were reeling in my head. The pond began to settle. I just needed to think them.

Silence and solitude allowed my heart and mind to settle down. And, now I can pray. Or have I been praying all along? Did I pray on my walk? Yes. and no. Is it prayer to know you are walking with the Father, calling on His name every so often, and then just thinking?! David Hansen who wrote Long Wandering Prayer would suggest that this is most definitely prayer. I am still learning and broadening my definition of prayer. I think I might agree.

But whatever you call it, I just needed to think. I needed to think with God. There were just many things-- much... much was stirred up within me and it needed to settle down.

The mud and muck has settled and my soul feels quiet. Looking in now, I can see life again. In this pond-soul that is me, I am settled down and still.

Silence and solitude are essential for me.

Soul Silence

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I love quiet. I thrive and am fed spiritually in an environment that is quiet... quiet to the ear, to the eye and to the mind. Finding my quiet "spot" (Mom's "quiet-time" chair in our living room) has been essential in every place we have lived--- and the places have been numerous. I even make efforts to find my quiet nook when I am traveling... Like a plant's need of sun light or water, is my need for stillness, solitude and quiet.

Upon moving to this quiet corner of the earth six months ago, I was sure that I had finally arrived! I was sure I would finally have quiet in my life, my world, my work and my home. But, my Father is kinder to me than to leave me alone in my quiet world. Not yet, He says.

Yes, He has brought me here to this sleepy place and yes, in some ways, it is slower and quieter. In many ways our circumstances allow us more "space" both spiritually and physically to have quiet. This is why we are here, in part. We want others to come, too, and experience the quiet rolling hills. And, yet, I am realizing more and more that the outward noise that I am faced with every day, does not compare to the significant noise that is within. I have a noisy heart and mind.

"If we have not quiet in our minds, outward comfort will do no more for us than a golden slipper on a gouty foot." - John Bunyan

My need for solitude and quiet is keen, yes. But, what I really need is soul silence... soul peace. The circumstances of life and the choices I make can affect this soul silence, to be sure. Real, every day rest and quiet moments with the Lord feed this soul silence greatly! But, the soul silence is an option in all circumstances... in all environments. This I know in theory... and have experienced it at times in practice. I want more. I want more soul silence.

Using John Bunyan's word, I want my golden-slipper environment to go on and around a healthy foot.

Father, kind Father, may I continue to learn to rest in You alone and to find my soul's quiet and peace in You... Your Presence.

The "why" in pain

Why would she fail to meet Him when He comes? Was Mary so discouraged... so distraught that she fails to welcome Jesus when He finally comes? Was it sadness and despair alone? Or was it disappointment, anger or despondency that makes her ignore the teacher's arrival (John 11)?

Lazarus, her brother, had just died. She had walked the path of sickness that brings death. She had been sitting in mourning for days. Had she been stewing in her sadness? Had she been wondering? Had she been questioning Jesus and His friendship, this One she had grown to love? Had her heart been asking about His love for her, His love for her brother? Did the "Why!?" swell within her like a flood as the days went by and she had watched her brother dying? They had sent word to Him(v.3). He knew! ...she might have thought. He knew, He must have known!, but He didn't come? Why, Jesus? Why? Can you feel the mounting of frustration, confusion and despair that can come and compound grief?

Was it late at night, beside her brother's bed... that she wondered why this Miracle maker, her friend, wasn't coming? Why wasn't her Savior responding to her? Is that why when the house heard of His arrival (v.20), Martha went out to greet Him... but, Mary stayed at home? I don't know. Maybe she was too upset to even hear of His arrival. We don't know.

I do know that when I pray for something earnestly and hear "no response", I can begin to wonder and question. I can even question His love for me. I can find myself pondering the sin in my life and wonder after His silence. I can get upset... maybe even angry... at God for not "showing up". My night time, sleep deprived, moments can be filled with doubt and fear, frustration and accusation. "If you had been here!!!... he would not have died!"

What Mary doesn't know is the heart of Jesus. She doesn't know what we get to hear, in John 11, that Jesus knew the beginning from the end of this event. He knew what would happen to Lazarus and He knew what their hearts would learn from this. What Mary doesn't know is that her sweet friend, Jesus, is allowing all this for a deeper, greater, more significant good in her life! What she doesn't get is that His love propels Him to stay away! He knows that GLORY will be seen. He knows that this will bring life to their hearts.

She couldn't know this, no. Or could she? Maybe, just maybe, she could have trusted Him more. Maybe she could have known that if He wasn't coming it was for their good... it was because of His love for them that He allowed this pain. Maybe, just maybe, she could have assumed the best. Maybe she could have trusted this One she had watched, followed and loved. I certainly can't imagine myself in the same situation without seeing myself in the very same state of mourning and with the very same questions swirling!

Her sister, Martha, is just as confused and bewildered by Christ's slowness in response... "Lord, if you had been here my brother would not have died" and yet, in a fascinating statement of profound faith she says, "but,... But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask!" What was Martha hoping for? She was confused, "He wouldn't have died if you had been here!"... but, ... But, she says to Him... I know you! I know WHO you are and I trust that even now God will do what you ask! There is a sweetness of faith that accompanies Martha's response to Jesus. She is upset, yes. She is confused, yes. But, she there is an inkling of hope in her words and her subsequent confession in this verse.

I love that Jesus doesn't get his feelings hurt but Mary's ignorance of His arrival. Culturally, yes, this may have been a slap... but He doesn't seem to care. In fact, He seeks her out. Oh! How He is so faithful to keep seeking us out even when we hide away from Him in frustration, guilt or anger. "The teacher is here and is asking for you", her sister says to Mary. And, Mary's response is classic. She takes off running and falls at his feet! Can't you just see the scene? Weeping and clutching his feet... why? why, didn't you come?! If you had only been here? Oh, Jesus... why didn't you come?

It says that when he sees Mary's weeping he is deeply troubled. He is agitated, it says. He is upset. A bit further in the passage it says He wept. Why did Jesus cry like this? We don't really know why. Certainly it wasn't mourning he loss of Lazarus, for He knew Lazarus would be alive in only a few moments. Did He get upset and agitated because He saw her lack of hope? Did He get upset simply because He entered into Her grief. Did it pain Him so much to see her weeping that He, Himself, wept? Certainly God is the God of all comfort, mercy and compassion!

What we do know is that Jesus purposefully allowed this suffering and pain because He loved them so much! He knew that His glory, the glory of His Father, was the very best thing... and so He waited and didn't respond--- on purpose! He let them hurt, mourn and watch a sick man die because He wanted to teach their hearts more about Him and His Father.

Our God is certainly not opposed to using suffering and pain in our lives to bring about a better good... And, He is okay with the "why" we ask in the midst of it--- this didn't stop Him from showing forth His Glory that day. He still brought Lazarus back to life... He had intended it all along. His plans were not thwarted by their faith or their questions!

Will I fail to meet Him when He shows up and finally answers my prayers? Will I allow the "why" that swirls around my head and heart swallow up hope or faith... or will I say, "but, you are the Son of God and I know that God will do whatever you ask!" Will I trust His faithfulness as a friend even when He doesn't come...

Stop talking

I talk a lot. We talk a lot. Words make up so much of our day. We read words, we write words, we listen to words, we say words. We talk a lot.

Tonight maybe I just had a taste of what Job was experiencing... just a very small taste... when his response to God was no-words. He was wordless. "I put my hand over my mouth," Job says in chapter 40. After seeing God, Job realizes he has nothing to say.

Tonight in worship, I had no words. He is beautiful beyond description. He is too marvelous for words.

How often I fill up my worship with words? We fill up the space with words. Both valuable words and babble. I fill up my prayer times with words. And... words are good. Words are a blessing... God values words, obviously. BUT...

Sometimes silence is necessary. I need to be silent more often before the Lord. I need to not only be still... but be quiet. Just stop talking. Listen. Worship. Just be quiet. Just stop talking.