Wondering About Inheriting the Earth

I am wondering.  Rambling a bit...  

I am pondering...  Meekness.  

I am thinking about a kingdom that is upside down.  A kingdom that is entirely different to the natural ways of my mind and heart...  

I have been thinking about the climb up that is the descending way.  ...the way of our Jesus, gentle and humble of heart.  

I am wondering about a staircase down... 

Thinking about "further up and further in" that takes us downward and lower.  ...to think of others as more highly than ourselves.  

I have been praying on the idea of meekness, humility, abiding love that works in and through... and outward.  

What might it mean or look like if we, God's beloved, lived in and out of His love?  What might it look like if we were aware of our soul-poverty... hungry and thirsty for His righteousness? ...living as peacemakers?  What if I didn't judge...  what if you didn't condemn? What if you gave freely...  I forgave always... What if we loved mercy, as our Father loves mercy.  (Luke 6:20-42)

I am well aware that this meekness, humility, and abiding love is exactly that... abiding.  ...meaning it doesn't come from me; but, in and through me, from Him.  His love.  He blesses in order for us to be a blessing.  He fills us with good fruit... makes us good-trees...  to feed on and be fed on.  Receiving His love, living in it, soaking it in...  and then giving freely as I have been given.  

I believe the measure by which I know His love to, for and in me... is the measure to which I can even begin to live it outward toward others.  Known.  Felt.  Divine.  Spirit-led. 

But sometimes there is resistance in me to surrender and receive this love.  Why do I resist?  Why would I rebel against love?  Joy?  Peace?  Patience?  Kindness?  ...what in us fights this?  

The resistance and even rebellion that is in sometimes in my heart to give-way to God and to others... to forgive-first...  to step towards... to offer warmth and love.   Is it fear that makes me push a bit harder, to stay silent longer, to hold that grudge, to be right, to not forgive, to get justice for myself, to hold to my rights.... ?  Is it pride?  Or simply folly?  

Forgive this ramble...  

I am just wondering.   

Humble Heart by Jess Ray  

Can you change me?

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Do you ever feel absolutely sure you are right about something?

I read somewhere that a true, genuine conversation can only happen if both parties are ready and willing to be changed by each other.  Conversation and dialogue only happen when I sit anticipating my viewpoint will indeed be altered because of this discourse.  Problem is...  what happens when you think you are absolutely right?  Period.  Full stop.

This prideful, closed way of "communication" happens much, much more frequently than genuine conversation.

I used to think it was certain personality types--- mine or my husband (ha!), for instance!---which felt they were "right" or "correct" all the time.  Or, maybe it was family of origin training.  Certainly my family has it in spades!   All I knew was that I struggled and was upset when my viewpoint was challenged or questioned.

The more years I live, I am convinced that this is true about everybody.  Every-single-body struggles when their point of view feels threatened.  Maybe not on all accounts, to be sure; but, just poke around a bit to find that person's topic-of-certainty.  Push it.  Or have a slightly differing slant or question... and you will feel the mechanisms of defense.  (Defenses are many...and they do tend to suit each personality.)

Don't get me wrong, I am a firm, firm believer if absolute Truth.   I believe that God gives us insight into and understanding of His Truth... certainly He has given us a huge leg-up with the gift of Scripture (the unchanging Truth).  We have a great deal of clarity on many areas from God's Word...  "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23), for example.  Pretty clear.  I can hold this and many other biblical truths securely. But, I also know that my ability to understand God's ways and truth is significantly limited.   So many things I hold true are impacted by Stephanie-ism.  (Definition of "ism": a distinctive practice, a system or philosophy.)  Stephanie-practice.  Stephanie-system.  Stephanie-philosophy.

Just as there are indeed rock-solid, unchanging Truths in Scripture; equally so, there are many 'not so black and white' areas that I am learning to be at peace holding more tentatively in my hands...

...What one thinks about global warming, boarder control, working mothers, or homeschooling.  How one decides to parent a small child or keep a house.  How one interacts with their adult children, their aging parents or their neighbors.  Where and how one chooses to work, to play, or to rest.  What one thinks about exercise and diet. What one does with their time, their money, their energy... for example.  In these areas, I long to have genuine and true conversations with others.  While I believe that God's Word touches and impacts each of these areas... the "certainty" case is not closed or locked.

Can I be changed by another's ideas and their thoughts?  Can you change me?

All these things above, I think about.  And, I certainly have my opinions on each of these issues---as I am guessing you do, as well.  But, can you be changed---even if just slightly?

Yesterday, I had a conversation where I felt 'changed'.  Honestly (and slightly embarrassingly), going into the interaction, I felt very "right" in my discernment and advice.  Our first interaction about the topic did not go very well.  It was a few hours later over coffee, when this friend and I re-visited the dialogue where the thought twigged for me, "A true conversation is one where you are ready to be changed".  In that moment, I prayerfully looked across the table ready to be impacted.

Was it my openness or just the grace of the person talking with me that allowed for the topic to be resurfaced?  ...maybe a bit of both.  But, I distinctly felt a profound "aha" moment while this dear one was explaining her values and view point.  It was a lovely smack to my pride when I realized that I had been looking at the issue from one singular point---a limited way of thinking---truly unknowingly.  Her words and explanation changed me, even if just slightly.  In that moment, I had available to me another way of seeing the issue and her decisions made sense to me in a way that I had been unable to see before.  Our conversation changed me.

As I reflect on this today, I wonder and quiz myself a bit as to how often I do this with God--- let alone other people.  How often do I pray, assume, and walk forward in the "right" way, without a humble, surrendered heart ready to be impacted by my interactions.

Problem is... I generally think I am right.  Period.  Full stop.

Lord Jesus, have mercy on me, a sinner and fallen short of Your glory.  Change me from the inside out.  

Claws and Horns

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When God created Adam and Eve, He made them naked.  Utterly and completely naked.

I have been thinking of this today as I ponder and I think about my pride.

Pride can take on so many forms---some more detectable than others.  We all see, hear, and notice the gregarious boaster or the person who is verbally desperate to take credit; that type of pride is shown forth clearly and tastes awful to most onlookers.  But, what about the pride that is a still-small-voice of judgement in our hearts towards others.  "They really should do this..."..."That is so wrong"...."She is so immature"... "I can't believe he said that"... This pride is deep and insidious; causing shame within and without.  This quiet pride of self-righteousness--- the assumption that I am "above" or "beyond" or "separate" from you....  What about this pride?

Father, have mercy.  

Or the kind of pride that is self-indulgent and self-obsessed.  Sometimes masking itself as insecurity or even "humility", this pride leave self as center.  Physical self, spiritual self... either way "self" becomes primary.  We just can't help but think of ourselves---our comfort, our health, our wholeness, and our security.  This pride also gets labeled as "not thinking ever about myself"...because we are "constantly thinking of others".  But, in reality, we are most deeply thinking of ourselves.  For if our children are happy, then we will be happy.  If our co-workers are happy, then they will like me and I will be okay---  All this "service" of others can indeed only be, deeply, about ME.

Father, have mercy.  

Or, the pride that insists (usually internally) on "my" rights.  We might like to call it justice or righteous anger.  But, who, really are we defending?

Father, have mercy on me.  

And then there is the pride that desperately seeks to place blame elsewhere.  Anyone but me!  This pride is desperate to shine the damning light on someone else---anyone else.

I have been thinking about our nakedness:  Human nakedness.  It has struck me that God did not create humans like he created most every other creature--- he gave us no thick skin, no warm coat, no horns, no hoofs or claws, no poison or venom.  We were not given any armor.  God gave us no physical defenses.  We are a deeply dependent and needy beings.   We are vulnerable.  We were, on purpose, created naked.

But, let's be honest...  we really, really don't like this about ourselves!  We have tried from day-go to cover ourselves.  Once our eyes were opened to evil, in fact, we ran and hid and began pointing our fingers "to her" or "him" or "it".  Let me tell you, God, why it isn't MY fault!  Ah... the naked was now shameful.  Shame is such a painful reality of our now-nakedness.

We create our defenses: our armor and claws---of all sorts and colors.  One of our favorite weapons against this shame is pride; for pride is a nice thick shell.  It yells and screams out to the world "I am okay" and "Don't mess with me!" "I have no needs".   Pride...our covering---our claws and horns.

But, indeed, that is not true.  God created us, you and me, naked.  Naked and unashamed is God's heart for us.  For, He alone is to be our shield, our fortress, our strong rock and our substance. God alone is my defense!

Father God, have mercy on me.

Look at Me!

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How often do we hear it when we are out and about?  At a public swimming pool, a park or the beach...  we hear the cry, "Look at me, Mommy!" or "Watch this!"

Look at me!  

Little children are always clamoring for their parent's attention.  They are blunt and forthright about this longing...  they cry out!  Watch me.  Do you see me!?  Look at me!  

Little girls twirl in their skirts.  Little boys run fast and jump high.  They want to show you something--- they want to show you themselves.  

They want you to see them and take note!  Look at me!  is the heart cry of every child.  

This is my heart cry sometimes, too.  Is it yours?  I think we all still walk around asking the same question from time-to-time.  Do you see me?  With our words and our behavior, we twirl and we run and jump high! We want to be seen and noticed.  We want to be known.  "Look at me!" we cry out.  

I was struck with this thought yesterday as I was reading in John 9.  "As He was going along, He saw a man born blind" (John 9:1)

Jesus saw.  

He took note of this man.  Jesus took note of a man that was overlooked and unseen (and unseeing!)...  He saw him.  Then, to top it off, after healing this man and being separated from him for some time, Jesus goes out of his way again to look for this man.  He searches for him again.  And, Jesus finds him!  (John 9:35)

Jesus sees and He searches.  He is so personal.  He walked around this earth so awake, aware and open!  

Recently, I was thinking and praying about my own struggle with vanity and insecurity.  I was thinking about the temptation toward self-focus and pride.  What is the answer to this age-old plague within me?!  There are times I just want to be noticed.  Just like a little girl in pink, I want to twirl and shout, "Look at me!"

I feel this tendency rising within and I experience a deep need to be noticed.  My natural Stephanie-answer is to correct these feelings and tell them to go away... "you bad feelings-you!"  

Is this the way, Lord Jesus?  As I was praying, I asked the Lord what He might say to this...  Lord Jesus what would You say to this?  Why do I clamor for attention and notice, Lord?  

After processing a few reasons for the "why" in my personal history...  I, then, felt the tender whisper of His truth waft across my mind, "Stephanie, I see you."  

I see you!  

Ah!  my spirit felt relief with this thought  Ah! The answer...  My answer is Him---the God Who Sees!  

I don't have to stop, punish and suppress that childish need to be seen! This age-old question, "Do you see me?!" has been answered!  Yes, I see you!  I have always seen you and am ever watchful.    

I don't have to stop twirling in my pink skirt.  I simply need to remember that I am seen!  He sees me.  I don't have to cry out any longer, Look at me!  He saw me in my mother's womb (Psalm 139:16).  And, He sees and searches for me every day.  

He sees you, too.  So twirl for Him!  Run fast and jump high today.  Bring a smile to His face today!  He has always seen you.  And, He always will.  

Life Long Journey of Grace

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It's a journey of grace, my sweet son.

Every day.  Needed grace...

My son has been reading a great book, Growing Up Christian by Mark Jacobsen.  In this book the author challenges students to take their faith in God seriously... to make it "there own".  He pokes a bit at the non-Christian student living in the home of Christian parents.  He wants his readers to think, to analyze, and to test their faith.  He writes in a winsome way, to be sure; but, my eleven year old son hears something different as he reads.  He has taken it to heart so seriously that he has been in tears a few times.

Confused.  Agitated.  Upset.  Am I even a real Christian, Mom?...  he has wondered and questioned out-loud.

It is journey of grace, my son.  A journey... one foot in front of the other.  

My son deeply loves God.  My son also struggles with the need to be perfect; or the desire to be "already done".  He struggles with frustration and defensiveness with his own weakness and sin.  He wants to be perfect today.  Yesterday would have been nice.

Hmmm...just like his Mamma.  Nature or nurture?  I don't know.  But, I heard his heart and knew his pain as he struggled through today's chapter on pride.  He questioned and felt angst!  I think he was even angry at the book.  I get it.

In this chapter, Mark Jacobsen is inviting the reader to a sweet adventure in humility.  He is pointing out the difficulty of pride in our lives.  He is offering suggestions and pathways to walk to becoming more humble. Very helpful, for sure.  But, to my son, he heard condemnation.  He grieved the fact that he isn't there yet.

I am so prideful, Mom!  

And, if I am honest (which Jacobsen encourages), I don't even really want to be humble at all!   All this was said with exasperation and frustration--- not with the author, exactly, but with himself.

His father's words were priceless... "Oh, buddy, don't worry... you will be struggling with your pride for years to come!"  We all laughed.

One foot in front of the other...

It is a journey of grace, my boy.  Every day.  All day.  Needed grace.  

I keep telling my son... and telling myself... that perfection is not for today and probably not tomorrow either. He chuckles when I say this.  So, do I.    Of course it isn't!?  We can laugh together at our insecurities and our quirks.

Perfection isn't for today; but, instead we have just grace.  Just simple, marvelous, unexplainable, incredible grace.

I remind him often that we have fresh mercy every day and we can fall into His unfailing love and faithfulness.  Just as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, he will indeed sin or at the least he will want to sin.  And, just as sure as the sun will set tomorrow, God has grace for that too...

I need it today.  You?  I need that never-ending, abundant grace poured out from my loving Father.

Every day.

Humble pie for dinner...

Sakes alive! am I prideful!

There is no two ways about it... I just am.

I had acted badly.  I had said mean things.  And, I knew it.  To make matters worse for me, it hadn't been hidden.  My family watched it---they had heard it.  My bad behavior was on display for my house to witness.

Simply put, I had behaved very badly.  And, there she was face-to-face, confronting me with my words and my attitudes.  My girl.  My sweet, sweet, growing girl.

Did it matter why I had acted so?  What she had done... what had happened...   Did it really matter what had lead to that bad behavior--- the place of pain from which I was reacting?  Not really.  No, not in that moment, it didn't.

She was confronting me with strength and passion, but with gentleness.  She was addressing my behavior, my words.  She spoke the truth and I knew it.  And, in that moment I had a choice.  We always have these moments of choice, don't we?  Which way will this go?  Which way will I take this?...

Justification.  Excuses.  Defensiveness.  Attack...

I didn't want to apologize.  I didn't want to say I was sorry.  A force to be reckoned with rose up within---my pride--- and I just wanted to be mean again.  I wanted to say more mean things and behave badly again.

I didn't really want this, of course.  And, I did want this---all at the same time.  (Romans 7:19)

Mercy.

That is all I have to say.  Have mercy on me, Lord Jesus.

And, He did have mercy.  I did choose wisdom in the moment.

I apologized to my sweet girl.  And, I did admit to my bad behavior---every last bit of it.

But, even as I ate the humble-pie that was being served, it tasted bitter in my mouth.  Oh!  the pride within!

Yet...
I will say--- it is a meal that sits well after it goes down.  Hard to swallow---yes--, it settles well and nourishes the soul.  Unlike a meal of meanness, anger, unforgiveness and rage... humility and mercy sit in my gut much better afterward.  This humble-pie fed me well tonight.

When the emotions had calmed and the forgiveness was given---and time moved me forward, I was so glad mercy won and I ate the humility dished out to me.

But, sakes alive!, am I prideful!

That wall I keep running into...

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Mom, the only problem is... she says to me before going to bed.

Yep, sometimes the honesty of a thirteen year old girl says it all...  Kids do say the darnedest things!

Just last week, my sweet girl said to me, "I think God wants me to learn selflessness"

Wow, I thought, God is honing in on the same theme in both our lives...  

"That is really cool, sweet girl," I replied.

"Mom, the only problem is..."  she said with a genuine and curiously knowing smile..."that when I start thinking about being selfless, I immediately start thinking that others should be selfless, too!  And, I start to get mad because they aren't being selfless...and should be!!  They should be treating me selflessly, too!!" She threw herself back onto her pillow with slightly-mocked frustration and burst out laughing at herself.

Me, too, sweet girl!  Me, too.

We both laughed out loud at this irony.  Isn't it true, though?

God is honing in on pride in me--- pushing, prodding, and inviting me to something more beautiful, more holy  ---humility.  And, what is one of the results?  I start to see all the pride and selfishness magnified in my life.

Like a spotlight shining, I see a multitude of horribly prideful thoughts and actions in my life.  Recently, in answer to my prayers for humility, I have become keenly aware of the many prideful, selfish, and judgmental thoughts running around my tiny head!  At the same time, I also have become very aware of when others are being humble or selfless.  My senses are on high alert, it seems.  A torch light seems to be marking those humble moments brightly for me.

But, another result?... Just like my daughter, I have started to notice more acutely the pride magnified in others.  I see how they are prideful and selfish, too!  And then I begin to think, "They are so prideful!  They should be serving.  They should be humble, too!!"...and then, well, I am right back to being ridiculously prideful and self-centered once again.

Ah! The vicious cycle.  Round and round we go and I run smack dab into the wall of self.

C.S. Lewis did say, "Humility is not thinking less of your self.  It is thinking of yourself less."

The only problem is...

The Way Forward...

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At times there is a passionate fight within that rises up.  This passionate fight is very difficult to contend with, to be sure.   Like a young child in tantrum with balled-up fists, stamping her foot on the ground, so my heart seems to cry loudly, "No, I don't want to!!"  

I don't want to!
  
or, ...My way, my wants, my rights...  or, This IS the right way...  You're not doing it right... No, this is what I want!...
  
...these words become the language of my heart.

When I feel this rise within, I am often of two minds, really.  One part of me longs to be like Jesus--- to walk this journey of selflessness and humility.  Truly.  And, in those moments, I pray.  Yet, still, it seems the screaming tantrum drowns out the prayers.  The childish-Stephanie rears up and like a loud gong her cries cover my heart blocking out softness and gentle tones.  It truly feels like I simply cannot "win" against her--- this stamping-foot-selfish girl.

I know what I should do and yet, I do it not.  (Romans 7:14-25)

She screamed at me yesterday.

 There was something my husband wanted me to do.  A discussion.  A plan.  ...and, I simply didn't want to do it.  Oh! The battle raged within.  Not words, but feelings--- "I don't want to!"  "You can't make me!" yelled one side of me.  And, this side of me won.  Hands down, no contest victory.

My husband was gentle and humble of heart and he gave way.  I am sorry to admit this.  Deeply sorry.  But, it is the truth.  He walked the road of humility and offered much grace.  He walked the hard road with love as his guide.

This is what the Spirit of God whispered into my heart this morning, "the language of love".

"Oh!" my heart soared this morning as a bit of Light dawned on my mind, "The answer!"

I had been asking Father to show me how I walk this road of humility.  How do I take a step forward, Father?  His first answer given last week was to look at His son, to follow Jesus.  His second answer came today--- the language of love.

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Thank you Lord, for some light on my path!!  The pathway forward is love.

Love as the path.  Love as the shoes on your feet.  Love as the light shining forth your next step.  Love as the trusted cushion to shield your falls.  Love.

When my two children were young they threw tantrums.  A young child is bound to tantrum.  Mine certainly did.  And, I loved them through those tantrums.  But, love didn't mean "putting up with" the bad behavior---that wouldn't have been kind or helpful.  No, love meant discipline, training, punishment and often a non-responsiveness that discouraged the screaming fits of my two year old babies.  But, in love, we did indeed make our way through the selfish tantrums that both my children had.

So, this Lord, this is the way forward... love.   Look at Jesus, follow Him AND love.  

Today, I see a bit more clearly into this dark, hard road of humility.  I understand one more thing:  I can only walk it in Love, under Love, with Love and trusting Love.   Love is the only language that will drown out the ugly cries of my childish self and sin.

Passionate Love will crush that passionate fight within---these ugly tanturms.  Love will lead and release me into the beauty of humility.

A hard road...

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There is a road that I believe my Father is inviting me to walk on... one, I truly barely understand...one that intimates me and feels like a dark, almost-scary path.  
  
But, His invitations to this journey have become frequent and His whispers more intense.  I know it is where He wants me and so I must follow, mustn't I?  
  
This journey I speak of is a journey into humility and selflessness.  Humility.  
  
Isn't there a funny Christian motto often repeated, one that goes something like, "Never pray for 'patience' or 'humility'" Or, something akin to "be careful what you ask for... you just might get it"?  
  
A. W Tozer speaks of the "self-life" or the "labor or self" as one of the heaviest sins that veils our hearts and dampens our walks with God.  (Pursuit of God)   My self-life does weigh heavy over my eyes and my heart often!  
  
Andrew Murray, speaks of humility when worn by believers as being exceedingly  "beautiful" and "becoming".  (Humility)  I can instantly recall and picture the beauty I have witnessed "being worn" by humble believers I have known.  It is attractive!  

Thomas A. Kempis, shares that humility should be one of our first and foremost goals as believers in Jesus.  (The Imitation of Christ)  Is this the top of my prayer list--- my "asks" of God?
  
And, C.S. Lewis says that, "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but of thinking of yourself less".
  
To think of myself less.  Hmmm....   That is very hard.  Very, very hard, indeed.    
I think of myself a lot.  All day, every day.  How can I break free from this body of death?!  (Romans 7:24)
  
But, I hear the sweet call from my Lord to follow Him on this road and to learn from Him.  "Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matthew 11:29)
  
Rest for my soul... that is the end of this road to humility.  And, closeness to Jesus... this is the end of this journey into self-death.  
    
And, so I will respond and I will continue to ask Him to teach me.  Jesus I will take this road with you.  Please lead me and walk with me.  Be at my right, my left, above and below me.  Jesus, teach me humility and gentleness---straight from your heart to mine.  

A man can counterfeit love, he can coutnerfeit faith, he can coutnerfeit hope and all other graces, but it is very difficult to counterfeit humility.  ~D.L.Moody

Do you wish to rise? Begin by descending. You plan a tower that will pierce the clouds? Lay first the foundation of humility. - St. Augustine

Insecurity again... or, should I say... pride, again.

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I just naturally and generally think I am right.
  
In my gut somewhere, my opinion on a certain subject feels correct and right. It isn't that I don't question myself--- I do often.  And, I often feel insecure, as well.  Insecurity and pride are so closely linked, though, it is hard to separate the two.  Like friends in a vicious, spiraling, twisted up, co-dependent relationship so are arrogance and insecurity.
  
But, generally, I do feel right about a lot of things.  And, I judge.  I compare.  I am talking about my way of doing things, the values that I hold, the deep seated truths about how to do or to be...  in these things it is hard to see beyond self--- beyond Stephanie.
  
C.S. Lewis says, "Humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less." 
  
I think of me way too often.  I know it is ugly.  Ugly and twisted.  It sounds particularly horrid saying it out loud or to write it down, I know.  But, it is true.  Am I alone here?
  
Sunday morning I was struck with Christ's words, "learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart."  (Matthew 11:28-30)
  
Yesterday morning I read, "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." (Ephesians 4:1-2)
  
And this morning I read, "No matter how far we have moved in the Christian life, we can still know that every opinion we hold and every act we perform is something less than the best.  We never have the Holy Spirit in our pockets, completely domesticated and supporting everything we are doing." ~Harvey Seifert, Liberation and Life 
  
Three days, three separate places...  is there a theme here for me, Lord?  (smile)
  
So, I wonder today if it is time (again) to pick up that classic, deeply challenging book by Andrew Murray, Humility.  
  
Is it time, again, Lord to delve into my pride, self righteousness and my self centeredness?  That is never a fun journey, I might say!
  
But, how can I resist the sweet invitation from my Jesus as He says to me, "Come to me!"  "Learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble of heart."  For with this invitation comes a beautiful promise, "and I will give you rest for your souls."
  
Pride and Insecurity takes their toll on a soul.  Self righteousness and self centeredness are tiring and bring exhaustion to the spirit.  Jesus offers Himself and He offers rest.  Teach me Jesus.  Teach me to be gentle and humble of heart.  

A Talkin' To

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We need guidance.  We need someone to show us the way from time to time.  Somtimes we just need a talkin' to.   We need a good 'ol in-your-face talkin' to from those we who love us and those we love. 

We do it as parents, don't we?  I do it.  My husband does it.  He and I give our "talks" very differently, to be sure; but, none-the-less, it is the loving thing to do.  To sit them down (our kids), get face to face and tell them how it really is.  We need to show them where they are going wrong and point them in the right direction. This is simple, beautiful discipline and training. 

God is no different.  And, yesterday, I got a good 'ol talkin' to. 

Gentleness and kindness surrounded the "talk".  His lecture was wrapped in His goodness and His love; but, it is painful even so.  Who likes to get a talkin' to? 

He spoke to me about my pride. 

Ugly and damaging, my pride.  He spoke to me about my "self-life".  And, He did this using a good friend (one I have never met), A.W. Tozer in the Pursuit of God,

"What is the veil that it shutting out the light and hiding the face of God from us.  It is the close-woven veil of the self-life... it is not too mysterious, this opaque veil, nor is it hard to identify.  We have but to look in our own hearts and we shall see it there, sewn and patched and repaired it may be, but there nevertheless, an enemy to our lives and an effective block to our spiritual progress.  It is not a beautiful thing and it is not a thing about which we commonly care to talk, but I am addressing the thristy souls who are determined to follow God...  To be specific, the self-sins are these:  self-righteousness, self-admiration, self-love, [self-pity and selfishness] and a host of others like them."

The interesting thing is that as I read this chapter and thought on God's words to my heart, I instantly found myself trying to "fix it" in me.  Deep within, I was calculating how I could become less prideful, less self-centered, less self-righteous... 

Do you see it?  Do you see that right there in the very moment of conviction I was running back to self.  My plans.  My ways.  My fixes. 

At least my heart caught it this time!  Thank you, Spirit of God!

The dawning of His Spirit brought these words to mind, "I can do nothing...  without the Father".  (John 5:19)

 Then, Thomas a Kempis, has some words for me, as well.  He agrees and joins in with God's discipline: "Rest not upon thyself, but build thy hope in God.  Do only what lieth in your power and God will help thy good intent.  The poor and lowly of heart abide in the multitude of peace.  The man who is not yet wholly dead to self is soon tempted, and is overcome in small and trifiling matters."

And, to top it off, this joint intervention comes back to Tozer, instructing me with, "God must do everything for us. Our part is to yield and trust."

There it is again... that word!!  Trust.  Will I ever learn it, Father? 

Trust breaks down pride and self.  Trust is the rock on which humility is built. 

I have so much to learn.  I am so glad He never gives up on me and keeps talkin' to me! 

Open my eyes to see You and know You as You really are.  Open my ears.  Grow my faith and teach me to trust You.  Enlarge my soul to understand, to know, to perceive.  Strengthen my mind to grasp You.  You alone.  Jesus, work Yourself in me!  You in me.  Me-dead and the real alive in You. 

It is very sweet to know that we are not alone on our road toward and with God.  This post from another friend, (I have never met ---smile), propelled me to write down today's small jot from my journey to know Him more.  I would highly recommending popping over to her site:  You are My Girls. 

An Ugly Game

photo source

We play the comparison game way too much.  Is it just ladies who do this?  I don't know.  But, it can be so harmful.  And, it is so random...like rolling dice.  Who can predict the winner?  

The ability to judge and compare is a significant gift from God.

God compares.  Scripture's stories and Truth are full of His judging, His statements of comparison.  He judges.  I believe this ability to see and compare is a beautiful piece of His image in us.

We use this God-like ability in our every day lives.  From when we are young, we learn to compare and judge the safety of one situation to another.  We make early judgments and decide from very early who we will "go-to", reaching out our hands...  "this one I know."  "This one I trust", a small toddler will make these judgments, won't he?  

The difference, of course, is that God Almighty always judges rightly.  His judgments are always couched in His love, His grace and His mercy.  He is holy, perfect and without sin. He sees clearly, righteously and He is always good.  I am not.

Isn't that crying baby, who won't come to me, making a wrong judgement about my being unsafe?

Now, I do believe that using God's Word allows us to make some pretty sure judgments.  Scripture does certainly name some things as clearly right and wrong, beautiful and ugly, godly and ungodly.    

But, that said, when I use this comparison with my sinful, inperfect, or twisted "lens" on---not the clear lens of Scripture--- well, then I have a problem, don't I ?!  

And, I do it all the time.  I don't think I am alone here.  I think we do it all the time.  

We make judgements.  We make comparisons.

And, then we play a game---the comparison game.  This is when we get into trouble.   Not only do we make a comparison--- but we then place a value on our comparison.  We call one thing right and one thing wrong.  One thing is better and one thing is worse.  There is a winner and a loser in our comparison game!

Sometimes I win.  And sometimes I lose.

He is smarter, I am not as smart.  He wins.  I lose.  She is prettier.  I am not as pretty.  She wins.  I lose.  She is fat.  I am not.  She loses. I win.  She is creative.  I am not as creative.  She wins.  I lose.  ...stupid, silly comparisons begin to plague our thinking about ourselves and our thinking about others.

He is better at this ...she is better at that...

Then we get into bigger, not so small--- deeply harmful, comparisons.  Relational comparisons--- seriously dangerous ground!  She has her quiet time at this time.  I don't.  She does this for God.  But, I do that.  He hears God in this way.  I don't.  She does.  I can do this.  She can't.  She can do this.  I can't.   I struggle with this.  She doesn't.  She struggles with this... I don't!  On and on it goes.  All the while we are making comparisons and judging our "place".  Winners and losers.   Do you ever play this game?  When does it ever stop?!

What a mess we have made of a sweet gift!

Instead of our God-created differences being something that we can see, judge rightly, and deeply value; it brings animosity, or insecurity.  Instead of unity, our comparisons bring disunity.   Instead of your strengths bringing hope and a compliment to my weakness... I feel badly or wrong.  Or, I feel better or self-righteous.

We just win or lose.  This game playing brings distance, a massive chasm, between you and me.

These judgments bring a block to trust, intimacy and vulnerability between him and her.   We see it in marriages.  We see it in sisters.  Brothers.  We see it in friendships and neighbors.

I have put you over there "in that category" and me over here "in this category".  You are better than me, so therefore you are not like me.  And, hence, I can not trust you or open up to you.  And, I certainly can't show you my weakness.   I feel far from you.  Judged by you.

It doesn't matter if I am winning or losing the game--- either way, pride or self-hatred, we are disconnected from each other.  With our pride or self-hatred we are not seeing ourselves as God sees us.

What freedom would come if we saw ourselves and others rightly--with our strengths and weakness in full view--- and valued God's creativity and His work in each of our lives.  He views us with grace.  Can I trust that He will, in me... and you...  ...make all things beautiful in His time.

Instead sometimes we are walking around like a nose detached from the face, bemoaning the fact that we are not an ear... or proud of the fact that we can smell better than him...  What a mess--- what an ugly game we play!

Wash us in Your Love Father!  Cover us with Your Grace and Mercy, Jesus.  Holy Spirit, bring wisdom and understanding.  Lead me into all Truth.   

Stands with a Fist

I just know that I am right.  I am right and you are wrong...

Sometimes when my husband and I have an argument, there is a deep feeling that rises within that says "I will not be put down!"

I am right.  You are wrong.  Period.  ...End of discussion.

And, I stand with a fist!

photo source

Last night, I felt this rising within.  I felt the tiger-Stephanie raring it's head and I stood in a defensive stance.  You are wrong!  ... Without the actual words, this is the sense... this is the feeling... that rose up in my heart toward my husband.  

In the midst of the argument (which wasn't going very well at all--- I might add), I had to excuse myself for a visit to the bathroom.  What a blessing this "nature's" interruption brought!

Being away from the argument for even a moment, brought an opening.  ...a tender call of the Spirit.

What was He saying? I am not even sure.  I was too angry to hear His voice!  But, He was calling, inviting, reminding...  

And, I bowed my head and answered with a cry for help, "Help us, Lord.  Help me, Lord".  

When I stand with my fist poised in defense or offense, I am never ready to hear.  But, Father God interrupted my stance and whispered His invitation for more---  I offer you peace and love.  I offer you long-suffering and patience.  I offer you mercy.  Grace.  

Ah!  There is the word.  Grace.  

Does Grace ever stand with fist?  

I knew in that moment that I was returning to the discussion with my hand down.  I knew I was ready to admit my hardness, my wrong.  I knew, most importantly, that I needed Jesus desperately in that moment.  I wasn't right!  Only He is good and just and righteous.  

This morning, I was listening to a song by Aaron Shust .   "I have learned to live to lose", he sings.    Living to lose.  What a concept!  

We come out of the womb primed and ready to win.  I toddled my way through the world knowing that I was right and that I deserved first dibs on that toy!  And, I am taught and I teach myself to win.  What might it mean to live a life ready to die.  To live every disagreement ready to bow my head and lose.  

To live to lose...  is this real, genuine humility?  It rings bells of "turning the other cheek" and "I count all as rubbish that I might gain Christ and ...be like Him in His death".    

False or feigned humility, false submission, "being a doormat" and victimization are not what Christ is offering here; because, certainly, I can submit on the outside and pridefully, forcefully, deeply, stand-up-on-the-inside at the very same time!  I can stand with a fist and you don't even know it!  

I believe He is offering me a life of grace.  I believe He is offering me a life of love and peace...  He is offering me a trust in Him that allows me to put my fist down.  

I don't know.  But, what I do "get" today... is that I am most definitely not always right!

Shocking, I know. (smile)

Why I blog: Hungry to Connect

I blog because I am hungry. 


God has given me signs of hunger and thirst.  My stomach growls or my mouth just feels parched.  ...my head might ache a bit or my energy level drops.  These are tell-tale signs that it is time to eat or take a long, deep drink.  

I am still learning so is it true of the sign and signals my soul gives off.  When I am fatigued or anxious... when I feel "needy", irritable, or oversensitive.  When I want to manipulate or use my words, or actions, for attention.  All these are tell-tale signs that my soul is hungry.  ...maybe past hungry--- maybe a bit starved, in fact, by that point.   

I believe we all get hungry.  ...we all get soul-hungry, as well.  And, I also know that where one person would eat in small snatches 5 times a day; another might eat one large mid-day meal.  My husband is this kind of "camel" eater.  He just simply doesn't need three meals a day.  I need 4 or 5.  Our hungers are universal and yet, unique.  

Isn't this true about our spiritual hunger and how we feed it?  What it looks like for me to be soul-filled and satiated will undoubtedly look different than it might look like for you.  Oh!, the beauty of the variety in the Body of Christ!  

But, we all have hunger and I think just as we all need basic vitamins and minerals, water and proteins to survive physically; So, we all need some spiritual basics that are universal.  I am seeing my basic need... my "vitamin C" need for relational connectedness.  And, I will venture to say we all need this essential in our soul's health.  We have a basic need to be known and to know.  We have a deep, God-given, need for relationship.  

This is the Trinity and our "made in the Image" of the Almighty, isn't it?     The Trinity fellowship that is Our Father, Son and Spirit is a beautiful Truth and basic tenant of Our faith.  And, it was in His image that I was created!  Just as He is connected and known in three-persons, I long for fellowship, connectedness and known-ness. 

I am realizing that I hunger and thirst to be known.  I long to be known and to know God and His people.  

And, so I blog.  

Sounds a bit odd, I am sure.  But, truly, that is one reason I sit here and pour out my thoughts. I know that my husband, my best friends, my new friends, and my sisters are reading.  And, I desperately want them to know this 25 minutes of my life.  I want them to know me.  And, I want to know them.  If only they would all blog!!  

I realized this when I contemplated writing just into a Word Document on my computer.  Afraid of my pride, my people-pleasing tendency and my perfectionism creeping into this blog; I stopped blogging for a while and talked to Father about this issue.  I know myself well enough to know that I can be ridiculously prideful; and my fail safe way of skirting that issue (and any sin issue) is to avoid or to remain clear of anything that might stroke my pride.  

And, yet, what I found as I prayed is that Father God was inviting me to enter into this arena, fully aware of my sinfulness, and find freedom in writing here.   I believe He is inviting me to dive in and blog; while consciously fighting off the enemy of pride.  

Because a Word Doc wouldn't "do it".  In fact, I have noticed I don't feel finished with any given blog post until my husband reads it.   It isn't his praise that makes me feel "done" ---it is the connectedness and the "have been known a bit more".  He read my thoughts.  He now knows these thoughts, too.  

So, in the same way that the fear of false hungers--- boredom, anxiety, sadness, or exhaustion--- might keep me from eating properly or eating enough; so the fear of false hungers of my soul--- pride, self-righteousness, and people-pleasing, don't need to keep me from doing the things that feed my soul.  And, writing, feeds my soul.  

And, so, I write.  I write to be known.  

Does this blog represent all of me.  No, not at all, of course!!  This is one small window into a 30 minute thought-dump.  But, it IS real and it is a part of me.  ...and a part of me that I might have trouble saying to you in the 10 minutes we stand with coffee in hand in the church aisle.


Now, if we had the privilege to sit for a few hours together... (face-to-face communication clearly surpasses the computer screen, in my opinion)... then I could know more of you and you could know me more.  But, alas, one avenue I do have is to write.  And, so I blog.   

So, thank you for reading... thank you for taking a minute to know me (or a part of me).  Thank you for being a part of my soul-feeding. 


"I count myself as one of the number who writes as they learn and learn as they write" ~Augustine 

Face Down

The ark of God is stolen and placed in the temple of Dagon (1 Samuel 5). The next morning the theives came into the temple and found a shocking surprise.

"When the people of Ashdod rose early the next day, there was Dagon, fallen on his face on the ground before the ark of the Lord! They took Dagon and put him back in his place. But the following morning whenthey rose, there was Dagon, fallen on his face on the ground before the ark of the Lord! His head and hands had been broken off and were lying on the threshold; only his body remained."

If I had to pick a favorite story from the Old Testament, this would be in the top 5!

Imagine the scene. They walk in for morning worship time and find their marble god face down before the Ark. (oops... uh, you okay, god??) Then, they take their god and put him back up! And, then, the next morning they come in and find their god on his face again--- but this time with his limbs torn off. (hmm... god, you doing alright there?!)

This was the passage the Lord brought to mind the other morning. And, just to be clear, He wasn't speaking to my heart about another person. He was speaking to me about me... and my god. Ouch.

For weeks now, I have been asking the Father to wean me from this earth. What I meant by the prayer was, ...wean me from sin, Lord. Wean me from temptation and the things of this world that lead me away from You. This was the prayer of my heart. I realized this week that He is answering this prayer... but not, exactly, as I have been asking. He hasn't weaned me from this earth and the temptations. I am still tempted. I am still fleshly. I am still prone to wander. No apparent change there!

What He is weaning me from... or working to wean me from... is my god, my mini-Dagon. It all became clear to me when I was "randomly" reminded of this story. I have a "god" too and I prop it back up, time and time (and time) again. I put it's head on and glue it's legs on. And, it just can't stand in the Presence of God any longer. I come to worship and it must fall face down. It just must surrender.

My god is self. Or, should I call it self-reliance. Self-discipline (that sounds nicer). Self-assurance and self-righteousness. Coping mechanisms and skills I learned young "to survive"... skills that allow me to do most anything I put my mind to, to "be okay" and make it through any situation, to be perfect (or to show forth perfection and avoid weakness)... they all seem to be failing me these days. They are falling face down and loosing limbs!! No, more, Stephanie... my Father seems to be whispering. No more.

As trite and common as it might sound, still, deep within me there is such a pull to earn my way to God. We all have heard it... so, so, so many times. The preacher says, "We can't earn our salvation! It is grace alone." We nod our heads... Yes, Yes! we say with agreement. And, yet...

Somewhere inside I still rely on those acts of discipline, those prayers, those "times with God", that ability to say no to the temptation, that generous service, that self-control, that kind word said about me... as my "okay-ness". I rely on myself. No more, Stephanie.

Sunday I was showered with messages of His love, His unfailing mercy, and His faithfulness. Today I was bombarded with His words of truth... "it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and it's not from yourself. It is a gift of God" and, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Weakness. In weakness, Stephanie.

This most certainly isn't the first time Father has dealt hard with this god. Like the Israelites before me, who kept going back to Baal... over and over again, this is a lesson of years. This isn't new. But, my God is faithful to complete what He has started in me 20 years ago. He began that good work and today He is still hammerin' away--- amputating arms, legs and the head of my god.

This idol of self needs to die. She needs to fall face down before the Presence of God. May I not prop her up again. May I truly learn to rely on Him alone--- His strength, His grace, His mercy, His goodness and His faithfulness alone. Oh Father, continue to wean me from this earth.

OH! that good 'ol water in the cup thingy again...

So, I have written before about my mother-in-law's saying, (which I love!) "If you feel too important stick your finger in a glass of water and then pull it out... then look for the hole!"

It is always a good thing to be reminded that you are not really needed. Usable, yes. Gifted by God, okay. Wanted, yes. And, missed, maybe. But necessary, no.

I was supposed to fly to Hong Kong on Saturday. I was to be at some meetings and play a small part in the training. I was planning to go and care for some sweet friends and co-workers. My husband and I had planned and prepped. I had all my bags packed, my laundry all done, the house cleaned and groceries in the house to care for my kiddos as they stayed behind with teammates (enough food really for about a month... just in case they got really hungry!).

Early last week, I had really felt un-ready emotionally ... I was afraid, insecure and weary. But, one day my heart changed dramatically. Struggling to surrender the trip (and mostly the leaving of my kids) into His hands, I submitted and decided, again, to trust my good Father. Almost in that moment, I truly began to feel the strength of the Lord rising from deep within. Toward the end of the week, for two days prior to our departure time, I felt very excited, confident and ready to go!

It was really a sweet thing to sense His sustenance, His provision of strength and energy for the task ahead. My faith was bolstered and I will remember this provision from Him.

And then a volcano erupted... well, actually continued erupting. Strangely, this volcano in Iceland threw molten rock and glass into the atmosphere... which "happened" then to drift over the country I am now living in. The blue skies that had brought joy the day before were holding tight to and hiding an apparent ash cloud miles above my head. My flights, all flights, were grounded and we were not to fly.

We waited in anticipation for the cloud to shift and the flights to be reinstated... surely He had provided all this strength and confidence so that I could go and be a part of this important event.
But, no, still here we sit under the ash cloud and the beautiful blue sky. The cloud still lingers and the flights are still grounded. The training and friends are in Hong Kong ... and the event begins without--- well, without me. Reports this morning prove that God is present, working and showing-up in powerful ways. ...Thus, the "stick your finger in a glass of water" saying comes to mind!!

An Icelandic volcano forced me to pull my finger out of the glass of water. No real hole will be left... not one that another sister or brother can't fill. Certainly no hole is left that my Father can't fill. No hole is left and that is good and right. I want it that way. I want the time to be sweet because He shows up... not me. This is my prayer.

He doesn't need me. Isn't that good to remember!

So, the ash cloud lingers and the water fills in the hole left by my finger.

And... I rejoice that He is before all things and in Him all things hold together. I rejoice and attest to the fact that He can give all I need...strength and confidence. And, I rejoice that He doesn't need me.

Empty boats

An empty boat floats better than one laden down with weight. I was so struck with this thought as I read Charles Spurgeon this morning. Spurgeon was writing about a true humility that understands our human limitations and God's enough-ness. When we are so full of ourselves, our pride and our good works, we are of no use to God. God wants, enjoys and desires us to be fully surrendered to Him. He likes reliance and trust. He likes to use empty vessels... I suppose it leaves Him more room to fill! We need to know we are nothing without Him and everything with Him. I was struck with the statement this morning; but, even more struck this afternoon while I struggled to physically serving a friend. It isn't that I didn't want to serve her, it was as if I just felt I couldn't in my own strength.

Have you ever felt so tired you just know you can't do one more thing!? That is how I felt this today. So very tired. And, yet, I knew what God had for me today was to serve. When I felt my body groan with exhaustion is when the reminder of this mornings reading came rushing in. Empty boats float better... I am empty, Lord. I can do no more in my Stephanie-strength. I have nothing in me to keep going. And I certainly have nothing in me to keep going in peace, joy and worship!

...So, I had to ask Him to fill me up. He loves empty vessels. And He loves to be asked for help, for strength, for perseverance. I can be so "full" of myself. I can be so prideful and I rely so naturally on my own strength. It is these moments when I know I can do nothing without Christ. And, I know, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

And, He did exactly what I asked... I am trusting that He will continue to give me what I need to persevere and to do what He has for me today, tomorrow and beyond.

Fill me Lord with Yourself! Give me Your strength, I ask.

Microwaves on a thousand hills

As I walked out of our "manna" house this morning, I was surprised and greeted with a friend's bright face. He smiled and said, "Ya want a microwave"? I don't have to wonder long how many people were visited this morning by a friend offering them a microwave out of the back of their car. I, of course, returned his warm greeting with a smile and, "Sure! Bring it in..."

We have a funny saying that is commonly used in our family. The phrase originates in Psalms, when God describes Himself as the owner of all things. "All animals are mine and the cattle on thousand hills", he said in Psalm 50. We, as a family, like to use that verse and plug in our own words... depending on how we are seeing God's provision in our lives. Tonight the phrase, "God owns the microwaves on a thousand hills" is bouncing around in my head and I am smiling.

The life of ministry that God has called us to has been one where we find ourselves constantly in need of something. This has not been easy for me. Frankly, I don't like to be weak; but, even more than that, I really don't like to "look" weak or have to ask for anything. My pride is significant in this regard.

God knows this about me and has used our calling, lifestyle and situations to school me in the world of provision, request, humility and ... well, the Body of Christ. It has been an amazing and sometimes painful journey. When we first started out raising our financial support, it was all chore... all humiliating and honestly, a distasteful part of our work. Now, ten years later, our financial support is deeply encouraging to me and a daily reminder of God's provision. The journey is not over, that is for certain! I am still quite prideful and still there is a tinge somewhere in my soul when I have to ask for something...

But I am learning.

On Monday, God gave us a house. ...by tomorrow the house will be fully furnished without us spending a dime. Amazing. ... from God's hand, through God's people. I believe it is God's Body functioning exactly as it should.

In the last three days I have seen His ownership of houses, couches, beds, sheets, side tables and even baking dishes". I now have too many cookie sheets to fill my "manna" kitchen! I will fall asleep worshipping a God who owns the cookie sheets on a thousand hills!