Jesus Sighs

They bring him to you and beg.  

Heal him, they pant and plea!

To a quiet place you lead him aside and then...  

You sigh--- deep groan--- a heavy sigh.  

Why did you sigh, my Lord?  

Are you as frustrated and sad as I am with this broken world? 

You stand with this man---so near.   

You touch him and draw close.  

Your very spit lingers on his bent and broken tongue.  

You look up to heaven, with a knowing look, you and your Father agree.

This is not as you made us to be.  

Are you as frustrated and sad as I am with this bent world?

With you, the Father sighs and repents as in the days of Noah.  

Together you made ears to hear the bird song. 

With joy you 'all made eyes to see deep colour and the wisp of clouds.

In that quiet place you sigh---a grief and a groan.  

Man of Sorrows, you are well acquainted with grief.  

Yes, you are as frustrated and sad as I am with this bent world!  

With a sigh, and a touch, and a word.  

You whisper to the man--not only to his mouth--- but, to the man!

Be open, you command and his heart receives. 

Ears are now open to hear the singing of the birds. 

His mouth now able to sing along with them in praise to you!

You are ever at work in this sad, frustrating and broken world, Lord.  

I bring myself to you and beg you, Jesus. 

Heal me, I plea!  …with you, I sigh.  

In these quiet places, please touch and draw near. 

Shift in me these bent and broken places.  

Open my ear to hear truth and my mouth to speak light. 

  

"...the tongue of the speechless will sing for joy!" (Isaiah 35:6)

(poem based on Mark 7:31-37) 

Then Jesus left the vicinity of Tyre and went through Sidon, down to the Sea of Galilee and into the region of the Decapolis. There some people brought to him a man who was deaf and could hardly talk, and they begged Jesus to place his hand on him.

After he took him aside, away from the crowd, Jesus put his fingers into the man’s ears. Then he spit and touched the man’s tongue.  He looked up to heaven and with a deep sigh said to him, “Ephphatha!” (which means “Be opened!”). At this, the man’s ears were opened, his tongue was loosened and he began to speak plainly.

Jesus commanded them not to tell anyone. But the more he did so, the more they kept talking about it. People were overwhelmed with amazement. “He has done everything well,” they said. “He even makes the deaf hear and the mute speak.

Open My Eyes, Lord

I woke up two mornings ago with pain and a very swollen eye.  No fun.  It looked like I had been in a fight and lost!  The quick jaunt to the optometrist confirmed that I have a few (significantly and deeply) blocked ducts with no apparent infection---at this point.   So warm compress... and a few weeks... and it all should clear up. 

Asking the Lord for insight into this, I feel led to pray...  Lord, unblock and release us from the things that keep us from seeing Truth.  Help me to see You, myself, and others truly.  Help us to see rightly, Father!  Open our eyes.   

I can see right now.  But, my vision is just slightly impaired by the swelling.  The pain makes me want to close my eyes and stop looking.  And, these ducts have been 'getting' blocked for weeks now---without my awareness and detection.  My eyes were affected and "off" kilter before I even knew it.

How else, Lord, am I seeing impaired? 

These prayers have prompted deep conviction in my own life.  I know there are ways I see the Lord... ways I see the world... ways I see myself and ...ways I see others... ways I see wrongly and off-kilter.  The eyes of my heart and my mind are blocked in some significant ways--as is true of us all.  I need His purification and release.  I need God's truth. I need Him to touch and heal those deep parts of me which are affecting my seeing---my heart-sight.

Scripture tells us to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.  The Word reminds us that fixed minds and hearts stayed on Him are at peace. When our hearts are steadfast on His Spirit and when we look at things that are of His Spirit, we will keep in step with the Spirit.  When we see rightly, we can walk rightly.  When we are facing or looking in the right direction, we will walk in the right direction.  Right?  Obviously!

So, today, I choose to settle into the reality of my blocked ducts.  I will use it as a prayer trigger until the Lord sees fit to take it away.  I pray for myself first... and then for those I love.... and then beyond.  That the eyes of our hearts would be given light and wisdom to understand more Truth about who God is and who we are in His love (Ephesians 1:17-19)  Would you join me in praying this, too?

Lord, let us see rightly!  

This Disease is Killing Us

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I treasure those beautiful moments when you are speaking truth to a friend and, it seems, the Holy Spirit is simultaneously nudging and whispering, "Are you listening to this?"  Like a mirror reflecting an image, your own voice bounces back and you hear yourself...  or you hear His voice in your words.

It is that very moment when the words of truth pouring out are the very water my soul needs.   Pouring out and drinking in, all at the same time.

I was speaking with a friend who was sharing her new diagnosis of a long-term illness: an illness I am very, very familiar with.*  She was sharing with me her fears and her anxieties.  Of course she is afraid!  Of course this is troubling.  It sucks!  I hear you, friend.  I hear you.

After listening and empathizing with the frustration, sadness and "suck-ness" of her situation, I heard these words slip out of my mouth, "I have had this disease for 30 years.  And, I promise you--- I promise you!--- the worry and fear, through the years, has robbed FAR more from me than the disease has ever done".  Yes, disease robs and steals.  But, worry and fear rob far more.

Worry robs more than reality.  Every time...  

Worry robs more... 

Always.  It is just the truth.

I have been reading a lot about the brain recently and we know, even scientifically, that worry is a future oriented thought process.  In order to worry, we have to be thinking of the future---not the now. Not the real, right-now reality of our lives.  Worry is the "what ifs" and "will it?" "will they?" and the "how will I?", "can I?"...  The worry isn't real.  It isn't true.  It is make believe.  Always.  Tomorrow may truly never come.  Tomorrow isn't real, or true.  Worry about tomorrow, according to brain experts, is simply a waste of important energy.  Unfortunate, unproductive (even damaging) and a wasteful firing of neurons.

(Funny how science eventually catches up with the Bible... Matthew 6:34 and James 4:13-14)

This 'make-believe' we play in our heads steals and robs from our today.  In fact, it is literally physically killing us.  When we worry and fear, our bodies release a powerful hormone; one that can throw off the balance of all our body chemistry and has detrimental affects on our health and well being when it is regularly released.  Worry is deadly.  Worry and fear steal from our minds, our bodies and our souls. They do very little to help us.  (...the occasional need to run from a bear or escape an earthquake are the rare times that we are grateful for this hormone released from worry or fear!)

I have learned through the years to stop and prayerfully ask myself two questions:  First, "what story am I telling myself?"  and, secondly,  "What is real? or What is actually true, the mere facts, right now?"

Answering these questions brings grounding.  While grounded in the now, I can connect to the real of Jesus here.   Him here today.  Now.

I am learning.  I see it.  And, I am grateful.

I don't know if my friend was able to take-in the testimony I was sharing...  "the worry and fear have robbed more than the disease".    I'm not sure it was for her that day.  I think it may have been just for me.   A good reminder.  I need not worry about tomorrow.  I need never be afraid.

I heard it, Lord.  I hear it and choose again today to trust You.

*If you are curious and would like to read more about my health, healing, and physical journey--- you can read here, here and here (and many other places on this site...)

Out of my hands... Into His

My son and I, we held hands today as we walked. His sweet, 9 year old hand in mine. We walked and talked, hands swaying at my side. I love holding his hand.

My husband and I, we held hands the other night while watching a movie. His secure, loving, man-hand holding mine. Just a small touch; but, such a tender touch. I love holding his hand.

I have been thinking about God's hands lately.

Sharing with Father God my worries and fears about the health and healing of my insides after surgery*, I sensed His Spirit showing me a simple picture... His hand.

There are so many things in my life that I try to control. In this journey of physical recovery, I have felt the Lord is nudging me to continue talking to Him about my desire to control.

I have joked that I am a recovering "control freak"; but, He whispers and reminds me this is no joking matter.

Somewhere deep within I work hard to keep my life, and those that I love, under control.

Has there been growth in my life in this area in the last few years? Yes! Absolutely. And, I guess that is why God's Spirit and I can have this dialog at all....

A dialog of complete surrender. A dialog about release. A conversation about trust, the deep and abiding kind of trust that I am learning about, but do not yet know.

The healing of my body is totally and completely "out of my hands". There is nothing, absolutely nothing, I can do to make me all better and healed. Certainly, by resting and being wise with my time and energy I can create an environment to aid in the healing process... the healing process that only GOD can do! There are things, yes, that I can do to open doors; but, in truth only God's hand can do the healing. It is out of my hands!

Isn't this really the truth about all aspects of my life? And, isn't control, my control, a façade anyway.

The whispers of the Spirit have been nudges to remember Who is in control. He is reminding me that nothing is out of His control. Nothing is out of His hands! His hands...

The hands that "laid the foundations of the earth, and the heavens" (Hebrews 1:10)

The hands that, "stretched out the heavens; and marshaled their starry hosts" (Isaiah 45:12)

The hands on which I have been "engraved and marked"...

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me." (Isaiah 49:16)

These hands that measured the waters are the very same hands that knit me together in my mother's womb. Imagine that for one minute!

These hands that threw the stars into space are the same hands that will guide and hold me fast. (Psalm 139:9-10).

When I remember this Truth, I can trust and my heart is filled with faith. When I recall the Reality that this Great, Almighty God is in control... always in control ... then my fears are stilled and my anxieties relax. I release. I surrender. I trust.

I can ask Him to touch, with those God-hands, that dark unknown world inside my body. I can trust that not only does He see and know, but He touches.

He touches, He guides, He holds and heals with His hands...

"When the sun was setting, the people brought to Jesus all who had various kinds of sickness, and laying his hands on each one, he healed them." Luke 4:40

I love holding His hand.


*three weeks ago I had surgery in order to, Lord willing, bring much relief to my on going struggle with physical pain. (female in nature).

Healing Continues... pain or no pain!

When you live most of your life "playing god", trusting Almighty God entirely is a step-by-step and sometimes arduous journey. Or, at least is has been for me. And, lately, we (Father God and I) have been taking many of these difficult steps together!!

Worry, control, manipulation, scheduling, researching, and "making it work" have all come very natural to me. Fear, anxiety and stress follow all of these and have nipped at my heels throughout my life. But, I have wanted to live a different way. I have so very much wanted to live a different way!

I have believed, and so clearly have seen in Scripture, that there is another way. A simpler way. A happier way. ...but, not necessarily an easier way!!

Trust. Trusting each day to God and knowing His love as foundational to every decision, every circumstance and each moment... well, like I said, we walk the journey together and it is hard. He nudges me along with sweet whispers of hope and joy. This trust road... It isn't an easy road. But, it is a good one and one with a fabulous destination!

I have written a lot in the last year about pain and suffering. I have written much about my physical pain and my emotional scars. My Father in Heaven and I have had many, many discussions about these issues. Recently He has done a work in my heart that is most certainly Divine. The change I feel and see in my heart is most definitely His work!

A few months ago, I believed that God wanted me to ask Him to heal me. This took courage and boldness, a new stepping out in faith and trust. And, I asked Him. And, so did many of you... thank you. We asked Him together for healing and I believe that He birthed something new in me when I was willing to ask, and to believe Him.

As I asked, I began to sense a change in the direction the Spirit was leading. Not entirely a ... "I will heal you" as much as a..."I am healing you". A moving verb was being whispered into my heart. This was significant. As I asked for His healing, it seemed to become apparent that healing was multi-faceted. He was indeed healing me... in more than one way! And, in His own time.

I essentially stopped worrying about the pain. Really and truly. I didn't feel agitated by it emotionally (even-while struggling with it physically). I felt free from fret, or fear, or worry. It was as if together we walked the journey of pain. I didn't have to worry any more about the "What ifs?". When I felt pain, I felt that I was not asking, "What am I to do, Lord?"... But, "what are WE to do? ...or more accurately, "what will You do, Lord?"

It became quickly clear that He wasn't healing me instantly from pain or problem, but instead He was healing my heart. Deep within He was doing a work. He has been building trust in ways that are new and exciting. A flood gate of trusting began, and continue as I walk today.

Sermons and songs. Creation and books. Blogs and Prayers all seemed to point to the fact that "I have it covered, Stephanie. I will sort it out. I am healing you. I am your keeper, Your Good Shepherd".

Today, I had a doctor's appointment that felt miraculous. The doctor was kind and "got it". He had a fabulous suggestion and plan to proceed. He even asked me what I wanted! And, it even seems... can I be so bold to say THANK YOU, Lord already... that the finances of it will be more straight forward than we had anticipated. Almost too easy, really. ...seems a God-thing. A, "I will sort it, Stephanie" moment.

Tonight, I don't feel the uncontrollable need to grab it, grasp it, or hope on it. The temptation is there, yes. But, I don't feel driven to plan it and make it happen. I feel trust welling up and ...whether it works or not... it is well with my soul. And, this, THIS is only from our Father. It is nothing short of divine hope, faith and trust. For this I am deeply thankful.

Tonight, I am done with worry! I am done with "playing god"... and I want to walk more in this trust--- this much better way!

Father, we have wrestled. I have cried and lamented. You have heard all of it and loved me faithfully. I have asked and been disappointed. I have hoped in things that were other than You. I choose tonight to trust in You alone. I choose to say I will wear this pain and this suffering as long as You want me to... and then when You want to release me from it, I will take that as a gift of grace. Your way. Your timing. Your plan. Teach me Father to walk in this to the glory of Your name. For You are good, gentle, loving Father and I trust You.

A Different Sort of Healing

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"The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear. And, I don't know the reason You brought me here. But, just because you love me the way that you do... I am going to walk through this valley, if You want me to". ... the beautiful song lingers in the background.

Tears roll down my cheeks as I fry the eggs and listen. I can't see very well, anymore, as the water fill my eyes and spills out. Using my dishtowel I wipe my eyes, so that I can flip the egg and pop the toast from the toaster.

I had pain again last night. Difficult, debilitating pain that kept me from sleep. Father, what am I supposed to do? Clearly, I haven't been healed... Has the reaching out done me any good, I wonder.

But my wonder only lasts a short moment as the song continues to minister to my soul, my mind, my heart... "It may not be the way I would have chosen... but, you never said it would be easy. You only said, I'll never go alone." ...my heart prays with the song. Tears continue to roll as my children pound down the stairs and into the kitchen for breakfast.

Sweet-girl enters, sees the tears and comes in for a hug. Questioning on her face, she hugs tight. I enjoy the embrace, hand her the plate of eggs and tell her, "Mom has 'momma pain' today". She knowingly smiles with compassion in her eyes and then hears the song in the background. ...and hugs me again.

And, I whisper into her ear the words of the song, "You only said, I'll never go alone!".

I ask them as they begin to dig-in, Can I start it over again? Can we all listen together?

We listen together. A holy silence as we eat. They let me just listen and eat eggs while tears roll down my cheeks.

The song continues as we all listen to it's closing. "When I can't hear you answer my cries for help, I will remember the suffering that your love put you through... and I will go through the valley if you want me to."

Ann Voskamp in her book, One Thousand Gifts, writes about the well known "healing of the lepers" story (Luke 17). She discusses the healing that takes place for all ten lepers.... their physical healing or "cleansing". And, she writes about the second kind of healing that happens to the one that returns. Jesus says to this one thankful-returnee, "Your faith has made you well".

Wait a minute, here! But, I thought they were already healed, she wrestles. In this journey of discovery, she shares about this Greek word, "sozo". This "made you well" that Jesus speaks is a "sozo-healing" (Luke 17:19). This word apparently wears the meaning of "made whole"; a healing that points to a deeper, fuller, soul-kind-of healing. This sozo healing is received by the one thankful leper on-top of the physical cleansing already received.

I am moved and realize that I have been asking for healing... thinking all the while of the first type. I want physical healing. But, as I sing true surrender over fried eggs, "I will go through the valley if you want me to", I realize I am receiving healing. Deep healing, "sozo" healing.

It is well with my soul. Somewhere deep within, I am expanding. My faith in His goodness, His love, His plans is growing and I feel more whole today ...with the tears ... than I ever have. I feel His Presence and know His touch. Pain or no pain. I am healed within ...deep within. He is healing me, just as I asked when I "reached-out" to touch His hem.

I still don't know what is ahead of me as far as my body is concerned. But, somewhere deep, I feel certain of His love and His care over me. I sense that peace which surpasses understanding. And, this is sweet.

So, although the pathway is broken and the signs are unclear, Lord. I will walk through this valley if you want me to!

You are not through with me yet! Beautiful.

Reaching out

She reached out and touched Him.

She was unclean and had been bleeding for twelve years. (Luke 8) Twelve years is a long time. I know. I have had a similar problem for 25 years. Twelve years is a long time.

Doctors. More doctors. She had spent all her money. She had probably spent all her emotional and physical energy on seeking help. Twelve years is a long time to seek help. I know.

I think I might know her path... or in the least I am acquainted with her grief.

I know the embarrassment. I know the unexplainable, irrational guilt. The hiding or ignoring. The fear. I know the confusion that might come with twelve years of bleeding. I know the looks of "unclean" on faces of people who can't handle a topic of this nature. Too personal. Too "gross". Too embarrassing.

But, something remarkable happened that day inside that bleeding, reaching-woman. Hope and faith had welled up within her. She was propelled forward into the crowd. Was she even ever supposed to be there among them, this unclean woman? Probably not.

She pushed through the crowd. She pushed through those that would judge her and call her dirty. She pushed through the heaving, dirty, hot crowd... a crowd so thick it almost crushed Jesus... and she reached out. Pushing forward, she believed. Reaching out, she knew. She knew that only if...

If only... she could touch His cloak, she would be healed. And, she was.

She was healed that very moment. That day the bleeding stopped! The mess of her life. The pain. The embarrassment. The despair and discouragement. In that moment, and from His powerful Self, it all stopped. It all ended the moment she touched Him.

He hadn't reached out to her. He hadn't seen her. But, He knew her the minute she touched Him. He knew and He searched for her. And, then He tells her that she can go in "peace"! Peace, to your body, my daughter! It was her faith that healed her, He said.

She had to initiate this healing... or did she? Where did that faith come from that allowed her to be so bold? Where had this courage and believe come from?

I believe that our Father initiates and pours out all faith... as a gift. And, in that moment, He filled her with this deep, unmistakable gift.

In the last few days, I have felt this hope welling up within me. Like never before.

Like never before, I have sensed that God might be whispering into my soul, "I want to heal you". Yesterday, in prayer, I was certain He did want healing. I need only ask and reach out.

In response to this faith, I must disregard the severity of the disease and the years of pain. I must push through the reasons that says, "not possible". I must say, "No!" to those thoughts ... the heaving crowd of intellect and medical history .... and reach forward. This is harder than I can explain in words. If you have any long term illness, you might understand the difficulty of this act of faith.

It can't come from me. It isn't coming from me. This faith that I feel building up within my soul is radical. It is divine. It is an unmistakable gift from my Father above.

Reach out, Stephanie and touch Him. Say to Him that you want healing. Believe, my daughter, that He can and more than that... believe He wants to.

So, for the first time (maybe ever), I am asking in faith that the Lord would heal me. I am asking that the internal bleeding would stop. I am asking that the pain would end and my embarrassment and unclean-ness would be over. I am asking. I am hoping.

I am reaching out.  ...and waiting.

Painting by Gwen Mahag
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Transplant

I have a six year old friend, Adah, who is suffering. She has Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML). Deadly cancer cells filled her bones and the bad was overcoming the good in her little body. The cancer was wreaking havoc on her frame from the inside out.

Today her little sister gave her a priceless gift. Today a piece of sweet Claire was drawn out and given to Adah. A gift was given to this precious girl. A gift beyond measure.

From Claire's clean bones were drawn healthy cells to fill up Adah's empty bones. For the last few months Adah's body has been blasted with poison... a good poison. A poison was pumped into her little body to empty out those ugly, evil, twisted cancer cells. And now, clean... life giving blood flows into the empty bones.

Like a victorious army of strong warriors, these healthy cells valiantly enter Adah's body... armed by God to replace all bad with the good.

Following these friends in prayer, I have been so struck these past days of how Adah's story is such a vibrant picture of Christmas.

At one time, my body, my bones, my very soul was dead... dying. Sin, sin's curse, sin's disease coursed through my veins. My stone heart pumped nothing but death into my being. The bad had certainly overcome the good in my sin saturated spirit. Sin wreaked havoc from the inside out.

One clean man, my brother Jesus, gave me a life gift. He gave me a gift beyond measure. He left His heaven and entered earth. And, He came to die. He came to give. He came to pour out. From Him was drawn clean blood. He spilled out healthy, sinless cells. He replaced my stone heart with a fleshly, healthy, Spirit filled heart. And, now, righteous blood flows in my being. I am a new creation! I am clean. To my very Spiritual marrow, Jesus has replaced my sick cells with clean ones.

Today Adah slept and slept. She slept as her sister's blood coursed through her body. She did nothing today but receive.

22 years ago, I surrendered. I "slept" in His arms as He replaced my blood with His. I have done nothing but receive.

This God-man, my Jesus, became flesh. He lived here in this sin-stained world. And, he remained pure. He died a sinless death and sacrificed Himself... a sweet, beautiful piece of Himself to be poured out for me. His very life blood now courses through my life.

*************

Would you stop a moment and ask Our Father to allow Claire's bone marrow, her healthy cells, to bring all the health and wholeness that Adah's body needs? Please ask with me that Adah would be completely healed and whole again~ For His glory! For Your Glory, Lord.

God wants

What does God want? What are His desires?

God wants many things. Throughout Scripture we see God's will and desires for His people. We see Him want obedience. We see Him wanting His people to respond to Him, to worship Him, and to believe Him. We see Him calling His people and inviting them to be near Him. We see Him wanting for His kids many things: boldness, courage, joy, strength, trust, holiness, and steadfastness. God's will for His people is clearly laid out from Scripture's beginning right up to the end.

Today I was struck with one of God's desires for me. God's word spoke to my heart and told me what He wanted. In Psalm 51 it says that He desires truth in my innermost parts. (v.6) Deep down in that almost-untouchable me, He wants truth to reign. The Hebrew word for "innermost parts" means "the seat of the mind". More literally, this word means "the places covered by fat". He wants truth under my skin. ...my insides, my gut, the "deepest" parts of me. God wants truth to reign in those parts---the parts within me that I cannot see.

What does God want? My Father God wants truth to live deep down in those hidden recesses of me. ...within my gut, within my heart and mind. This is what He wants and this is what He is working on as He continues His sanctifying work within me.
Somewhere in the recesses, those inner parts, His Spirit moves and works and heals. What a blessing to know that He is living within and at work always. I can rest in that. I can trust Him and His continual work.

This surgery, of sorts, isn't without pain or labor. To get beneath my skin hurts. And, it seems that the work He does is somehow linked to the "work" we do. Sometimes it takes "work" on my part to submit to His work. My work is to seek Him as the only One who can heal. My work is to take Him in, to drink and eat His truth. My work is to invite and to "allow" Him in those deep parts. I have to allow Him to figuratively cut me open and get deep inside.

I don't think that this sweet verse describing God's desires for reigning truth within, are accidentally in the middle of a Psalm lamenting pain, humility, suffering, and confession of sin.

Surely, I was sinful at birth! ... the Psalmist says. Surely, I am a mess, Lord! In this Psalm, as in the heart-work of God, there is an opening up, a "diving in", and a deep trust which seems intricate in God's healing-gut work. David, in his words here, is relying... banking it all... on the unfailing love, the compassion, and the mercy of God! (v. 1) He is running to God, pouring out his heart and guts, and trusting that God Himself will forgive, cleanse, heal and restore. He is trusting that God alone can "teach wisdom" to those inner parts (v.6) and "create a pure heart" (v. 10). David is opening up and welcoming the hidden work of God within.

What does God want? He wants Truth to reign in my innermost being. I want this too, Father! O, Father in Heaven, Your kingdom come and Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven!

His continual work... even through pain

There is just no way around it... My parent's divorce was very hard on me.

There is really no nice way to say it-- it sucked! To this day, I still have wounds and scars from the painful experience... a ripping that is unnatural, wrong, and not-as-it-should-be. My journey in processing their divorce has been a long one. I have felt, thought and experienced many things along the long road ... and yes, there has been much healing I have found from my Heavenly Father. But, still it hurts.

One thing that has been harder for me these past few years has been the ability to understand. I just don't get it. As I have looked back at the situation, I find myself puzzled as to why they couldn't have just stuck it out. Why did the marriage have to end? Honestly, I have found it very difficult to sympathize and certainly have found it challenging to understand. Maybe I will never truly understand--- they say that we never really do understand unless we walk in that person's shoes. I have never walked in my mom or my dad's shoes. And, as hard as I have tried to "theoretically" walk, I will never walk that mile in their shoes--- not really.

But, the Lord is kind in His desire to keep us journeying toward Him, toward true wisdom, toward wholeness, and toward godliness and compassion. He doesn't let us alone. I love that about Him!

These recent few years, I have taken some steps in my understanding, or at least my compassion. When I have successfully put on my "adult hat" and honestly attempted to hear my mom's heart or my dad's heart, there has been much growth in my understanding. I have asked them hard questions and tried to listen. I try to get it. And, I think, by God's grace, I have come a bit closer to hearing their hearts. But, that, it seems, is still not enough. My God never stops part way. He wants full healing! He wants a heart that hears Him and wounds that are bound up and healed.

And so.... He has kindly given me a new friend here that is smack-dab in the middle of a divorce. This divorce--- as they all do--- just stinks. It is horrible. It is painful to watch. But, not only has He has give me a budding relationship with this new, sweet friend... but also a relationship with this friend's dear little girl. So, I get to watch the mom. And the daughter.

And, well, it has brought a freshness to the pain--- and new eyes to watch on and attempt to understand. Again, I don my "adult hat" (or try to!) and watch as this mom suffers. I watch as the little girl suffers. I now watch this mom's good and bad decisions, her frustrations, her confusion, and her pain with eyes-wide-open. And, I see God bringing some healing to my heart as I witness this fresh pain, this fresh suffering... such a picture of my world some 30 years ago.

Of course, I know that their divorce is not about me. Not in the least. But, I know that I have been allowed to watch from a very close distance ...and to learn. Maybe to understand. Most certainly to heal.

My Father's work in my heart is never finished. He is working hard to bring me to completion. I know deeply that this fresh pain... touching it so closely now today... is allowing old wounds to continue to air-out and heal. Sometimes you have to peel back those bandages to let it heal. Thank you God that You never stop... Your healing work is constant.

Broken bones

When a bone is badly broken, it needs to be set correctly in order to heal rightly. When a broken bone heals wrongly, it needs to be re-broken. A doctor must go in and break the bone. What a horrifying thought! Think about purposefully re-breaking your leg bone.

Why would we do it? Why would we ever allow a doctor to re-break a bone?! If the bone heals wrongly, there will be a long term problem. A wrongly healed bone will cause a limp. If there is a limp, even a slight limp, the whole body is affected. Growing up in a Chiropractic family, I know that an ankle bone, wrongly set, can seriously affect the shoulder or the neck. ...the whole body is affected other parts of the body. A limp will have it's hay-day on the body.

My friend had her "leg" re-broken recently. Figuratively, the Greatest Physician has gone in and purposefully broken her bone. A very healthy individual, she has been walking with an almost undetectable limp all her life. Simply put, a place in her soul had been broken as a child. That place had never been "set" right. This place in her heart had healed, of course. We heal. God made us to heal. But, that place had healed wrongly... just a bit off. And, she has been limping ever since.

The breaking of a bone is very, very painful. She is in pain. It hurts me to watch her in pain. Just as one would know that the doctor meant well in his painful attendance and actions, she knows that the Father is being faithful and kind in His breaking this bone. ...but, it hurts. Simple as that... It hurts to be broken. And, it takes time to become whole again. A broken bone does not heal overnight.

But, our kind God doesn't just break. He breaks and then He heals. He breaks and then He sets things right in our souls and heals. A verse in Hosea comes to mind, "Come let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces, but He will heal us. He has injured us, but He will bind up our wounds." (Hosea 6:1)

I have a limp, too. ...a few, to be sure. My broken bones are a mixture of things I have chosen, through sin, and things that I have been a victim of... someone or something broke my "bone". It doesn't really matter now how they came to be broken. They need to be set right and healed.

I have been broken by God before. He has reset me and places in my soul more times than I can count. And, He will come again. He will come again when I am healthy and ready to take another breaking. He knows what "my body" can handle. He has torn me to pieces and has restored me. He will injure me and will bind up my wounds. For, when bone is broken it needs to be set rightly in order to heal rightly.

When the bones heal rightly, then the body is healthy and whole. I can't wait to see my beautiful friend even more beautiful. ...More whole. I can't wait to watch the healing process and to see her soon walking without this limp.

Do you want to get well?

When asked to imagine the scene in John 5... a great number of ill and disabled people surrounding a pool, I can almost feel a sense of sadness in my gut when looking on.

I have been in a dump where people live. When I was 15 years old I had the privilege to minister in this dump in Central America. It isn't a pretty sight. Many times in my life overseas I have seen, walked by, been touched by a invalid beggar at the bazaar or on the street. I have seen them in Guatemala, Kazakhstan and Turkey and they often look the same. Rarely moving from the same spot they are filthy, smelly, barely clothed with sometimes desperate or sometimes hollow-looking eyes.

When I wonder at the scene that Jesus saw in John 5, I don't have to go far in my imagination. I have seen it. I have watched these least ones just sit on the ground and wait. What are they waiting for? A coin in their cup? A kind glance? A harsh word or abuse? A piece of bread?

The scenes I have witnessed are just sad and hopeless. They sit and sit and wait... What are they waiting for? These ones I have seen are waiting for something... but, certainly they are not waiting for healing.

The man that Jesus sought out that day was certainly not waiting for healing. He was stuck in one place, unable to move forward, unable to find health. He was just sitting there. I had to read the passage twice to catch the amazing fact that Jesus went to him. Unlike other stories where the sick have come to Christ, where the blind have yelled out "Son of David have mercy on me!", this story has Jesus enter the invalid's world and seek him out. Jesus himself approaches this man. He walks into this dank, dirty and stench filled "world", asks about the man and approaches him. He then asks the man a simple question, "Do you want to get well?"

Are you kidding, Lord?! Of course, he wants to get well!! Is this a joke? Is this the question you ask a hopeless, disabled person after almost 40 years of illness? Does he want to get well? ... but, this is the question that Jesus, my kind brother, asks this sick man... "Do you want to get well?"

When I read the question this morning, it stopped me. I stopped and sat with a deep sigh... Do you want to get well? Christ asks.

In answer to this odd question, the man does not say "Yes!" In fact, he doesn't really answer the question that Christ asks. He answers a different question... Why are you not well? Why are you ill? or something of the sort. What is the man's response to the Lord? What is his tone of voice? When he begins to explain why he can't or hasn't gotten better... what does his tone of voice sound like? Is he defending himself? Is he annoyed? Complaining? Does he have a child-like whine to his voice... Ah, Dad, this is why I did this or that? Or is it just sadness, a wavering, unsure voice? What does his voice sound like when he explains, "this is why I can't get well!!"? I don't know.

But, I do know my Brother's response to this man. Jesus says, "Get up. Take your mat and walk". Simple words. Simple to read, simple to say, simple to understand. But, for an invalid... impossible to do! "Get up", Christ says. It reminds me of His words to the wind and the waves, "Be still." He says "Be still" and the winds go silent. It reminds me of the "Let there be Light" words spoken over creation. The words are spoken and then bam! there is light. In this story, Jesus says to this man, "Get up" and the man is instantly healed. One word from the Lord and he is healed.

And then Jesus slips away... why did he leave? Again, I am puzzled by my Saviors behavior. Jesus leaves the man. But, the story doesn't end there. We leave the man and end up at the temple. We are no longer at the dirty, dank and dark pool at Bethesda. We are now at God's temple and the man is there! I love that! He went to the temple. He was healed and then he went to the temple. Even though people were criticizing him and questioning him, he still went to worship. It says that Jesus found him at the temple. I love that our Savior goes out of his way to find this man... like He has nothing better to do! I love that! And when Jesus finds the healed-man he says to him, "See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse will happen to you". Wow. Those are intense words.

In Scripture it is clear that NOT all illness is from sin. But, it is equally clear that some illness IS from sin. Was this why Christ asked that question, "Do you want to be well?" Was it the man's sin that was keeping him from health? Was it his doubt that he would ever be well? Was it his lack of courage to fight for wholeness? Was it worry? Was it fear? Was it a victim mentality that left him sitting on the mat and not trying, not choosing health? Was it these sins you were prodding, Lord Jesus? Again, I have no idea.

But, Christ clearly says... continued sin will lead to an illness far worse than you have ever known. OH how this is true in our lives. When we have learned to trust and then choose to not trust... ah, the sickness in our hearts. When we have learned to not gossip and we choose to let our tongues wag loosely, oh! man the sickness in our hearts... When I know what to do that is right and I do not do it... oh! the brokenness. Like an invalid, I plop down on my mat and chatter about why I am not well.

I can make you well, Jesus says. Do you want to get well? Okay, then, Get up! I can make you healthy and whole, he says. Do you want to stay healthy? Great, then stop sinning.

Dearest Jesus, thank you for going out of your way to find us. Thank you for knowing us and for being an initiator AND a responder. You initiate with me and you respond to my cries. Thank you for knowing exactly where I am. Thank you for healing me. Thank you for your healing words, your healing touch, your healing presence. Yes, Lord, I want to be well! I want to stop sinning, stop being fearful or worried. I want to get up from these old patterns, this "mat" that I can sit on, and I want to continue to walk forward in freedom and health. I am not a victim of my personality, my upbringing, my circumstances or my temptations. I can get up and walk... make my way to the temple to worship you! I love you, Lord. Thank you for your Word!

Accidental Mess

It was upside down. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe I had just made such a mess of the important project. It was upside down!

So, last night I sewed a badge on my daughter's Girls Guides Jacket. And, yes, after sewing it on nice and tight (to handle to washing machine), I realized that I had sewn the patch on upside down. Upside down!!! It doesn't read "100 years" (to commemorate the 100th year of Girls Guiding), it reads "sraey 001". This was a problem!

Will anyone notice? I think to myself. I tug at it a bit. Wow! I did that stitch really well (on the sewing machine, mind you!). Do you laugh? Do you cry? Do you throw something?

My daughter walked up to me about the same moment I was seeing my mistake and I showed it to her. The look on her face was a -"Mom, you MUST fix this!"-expression that was priceless. So, I dug around in our sewing kit for the stitch-remover-doohickey. I settled down in a comfy chair to begin the ripping process.

The stitches were in there tight! Why did I do them so small and so tight?? What was I thinking would happen to this little badge? What was I thinking? It was accidental.

And, so the ripping began.

It was a quiet moment while I ripped and dug and pulled and tugged at the little patch. In the quietness I asked God to show me Himself. This is what God is doing in my heart, isn't he? I began to think. There are wrongly placed ideas, identities, values and thoughts that have been sewn in deeply, tightly, and securely. For better or worse, as a child, my family patched my heart and soul with experiences, images and ideas that were upside down and backwards. An accidental mess was made in my heart, mind, and soul. Some of my painful childhood experiences were like badges sewn on upside down!

That doesn't belong there, my Father says! It should read, "Loved" not "unloved", He exclaims when looking at my heart! It should read "trust" not "fear", He says with His seam-ripper in hand. Father just sits down quietly and begins to rip--- one stitch at a time. Let's get those thoughts, those ideas, those values right side up! We need a new a new patch--- a new badge!, He says with a gentle smile and unwavering hands.

As I ripped the badge off my daughter's jacket, I tore a few holes. I was careful. I was slow in the process... but still, a few holes remain from the ripping. God has been ripping seams and stitches of my life out for a while now. The process has been painful at times and a few scars remain. Many of my badges are right side up now, thank you Father! Yet, there are still a few to go.

I will now sew the patch right side up on my sweet girl's jacket. It will look just fine and yes, I fixed it! When she goes to her Girls Guiding meeting she will wear a jacket with a badge rightly placed... and placed with much time and love.

"God makes all things beautiful in His time. What God does endures forever. Nothing can be added to it or taken away from His work in our life." (Ecc. 3)