His Third "Coat" of Paint on Me

I was hardly listening to the song.  The music and lyrics were just wafting in the background.  In one moment, though, one particular line jumped out and sang hope to my heart:  "There are victories yet to come.  They are certain as the rising of the sun!" (Matt Maher, Great is Your Faithfulness)

Victories.  Coming.  Certain and sure!  This does my heart such good to remember.  

God knows how utterly frustrated I am with the places in my life and heart that are still bent, broken, and in need of victory.  He knows the disappointment, resentment and anger I can feel at myself, at my sin.   

Yesterday, while praying for a particular long-standing "issue" of heart and sinful thinking, I had a clear picture in my mind.  Most of you know this last year I have taken up watercolor painting.  One of the MOST difficult disciplines that I struggle with in painting (aside from my desire to paint perfectly), is the time it takes to let it dry between stages.  You have to be really patient.  Almost all my "fails", hands down, in painting, thus far... have come from rushing the process or being impatient.  It really doesn't work to rush it.  You have to paint one layer, one “wash”--- and then let it dry completely.  In this humid climate, even more, this reality has brought much annoyance to my impatient self.  

The painting in each stage looks chaotic, messy, and the picture is very unclear.  It’s not very pretty--- sometimes not at all.  The end picture is barely discernible. 

Instinctively, I want to move on quickly, keep painting... make the chaos that is wash one or wash two, into something I can discern or make out.  I want to see it complete.  But, in all honesty, I almost ruin most of my paintings when I rush and move on too soon.  

This was the picture that came to my mind as I was asking Father about this particular issue of sin and pattern of wrong thinking in my life...  He showed me watercolor painting.  

Creative God... painting His masterpiece--- me (and you!)... is always at work.  He is faithful and says in His word, He will bring us to completion.  (Philippians 1:6)  He will bring us into perfection!  Scripture tells us we can be confident of this--- "as sure as the rising of the sun!"  But, in Philippians, He also clearly states that this completion happens in time.  The process works it's way out until the 'day of Christ Jesus'--- meaning when the Kingdom comes in it's fullness.  

He's is just on a second, third, or fourth layer of paint on me!

I want to be done.  I want to see it's completion.  All the things in me, in those I love, and in this world around me--- I want them perfect.  Yesterday, please!

But, be of good cheer, my friends!    I speak to my soul, "Be of good cheer, Stephanie!"  He is at work.  He is faithful.   He is good. If the good work has begun in you, then He will indeed bring it to completion.  It is certain and sure.  

"There are victories yet to come!  They are certain as the rising of the sun. Great is Your faithfulness---always and forever!" 



*the paintings above are not my paintings.... Just lovely wash art by others--- free online to use.  

Still Walking the Long Road

unedited re-post from 2016:  "A Long Journey"

Life is a long, long journey. 

Like destinations, there are many lessons that I wish I could just check off my list... and say I "have learned" this!  Been there.  Done that.

While certainly there have been lessons learned; I seem to circle back to 'same-old' places over and over again.

But, the one lesson that seems to be a reoccurring and reoccurring theme in my life is the lesson of "loved". I have both known it and not known it for many, many years.  For, "knowing" and surrendering-to-it are two very different things.

When I began this blog 8 years ago this very theme is clear in much of my writing---I wrote on my "Why Koodaigirl" page:  "I desire to live as loved".  This is still my same desire; and it only grows stronger, deeper, and more profound.  More hungry.

In the journey, though, along with the difficulties and struggles, we also have moments of great victory.  I have been seeing this victory lately in my life.  I can't really say when it began exactly; before time, it feels.  For God has been speaking to me of His love my whole Christian life.  All I really remember from my salvation day (at age 15) was a message about love.  I don't know what else Larry said that day... but, he said something very significant about the love of God.  That day I walked through the door of "loved" and have been journeying inward ever since.

These last months something significant has shifted.  I not only deeply believe, with all my mind, that God loves me (a profound gift He gave me about 10 years back); I now feelHis love "poured out in my heart" (Romans 5:5) on a very regular basis.  Where I have felt it here and there for years, I am "knowing" this abiding love.  I am experiencing His love filling me.  This is no small miracle.  My physical healing 15 years ago was "nothing" in comparison to this battle won!

This knowing of God's love... to my mind AND to my heart is a great gift.  A gift I believe He wants to give all His children.

I have to admit it took many pleas from my wooing Lord.  He has used songs multiple time (the funniest was the 80's classic, "I can't make you love me.")  He has used dreams, people, gifts, blessings, and suffering.  And, He has many, many times used His Word.  "Do not harden your heart" was the most recent Biblical phrase that led me to repent of my hardening to His love and His rest---it led me to lean-in and open my hands.  (Why I harden my heart is another conversation to be shared another time!)

After spending the day with Him yesterday and enjoying this love---sitting with it, working with it, eating with it--- I lay in bed last night and had a memory flood into my mind.  It was of our first trip to visit Wales 7 years ago.  When I walked into the house we currently live in there was a sign:  "Loved".  Like a message from His Spirit to my soul, I knew then that it was for me.  He was, yet again, speaking love over me.

So, last night after seeing this memory, I said to the Lord, "Wow!  It has taken 7 years for me to be won over to this amazing love! Wow...You have had to work for me for 7 years like Jacob, Lord!"  

Instantly, I heard in my spirit, something akin to "Longer..."  

Longer, Stephanie.  

Yes, Lord, much longer.  Like Rachel.  I am Your Rachel!!  You worked for over 14 years for me to accept and receive Your love.  

I fell asleep relishing in the fact that I am Jesus' Rachel.  What a blessed thought.

In the morning, I woke remembering it with a smile.  I am the Lord's Rachel.  His bride.   His beloved.

But, even as I write this... right now...the word I heard last night still lingers and speaks.  Longer...  

I have worked longer for you...

"For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight... in love..." (Ephesians 1:4)

A very, very long journey for God indeed. 

unedited re-post from 2016:  "A Long Journey"

Drink Deep

After living in Britain for nearly ten years, I understand why they always talk about the weather.  In fact, I now find myself doing the very same thing.  There are many reasons... but, inconsistency and the unexpected are first and foremost.  Who really knows what today will bring?  Absolutely no weather app helps out here in my village.  (We have tried them all!)

We have all been shocked and surprised by this current 'Mediterranean Summer'.  Generally speaking, Wales is not a warm climate in any regards.  I am fond of saying that, living in this land, I have been bone-cold for 9 years straight!!  The wet, chilling cold (and dark) has at times been a small trial for this California-girl’s body.  But, recently, we have had the most amazing sun, warm days, dry and blues skies.  I have actually felt uncomfortably hot (which is absolutely wonderful!) and even have a slight sunburn from sitting way too long outside. 

But, with this dry warmth has come a brand new problem.  My grass is dying and my flowers... well, they look very, very sad.  To make myself clear, I have NEVER once had to water my lawn or my flowers.  Never.  It is that wet---pretty much all the time.  But, with this new, lovey 'Summer-vibe' comes a new, and harsh reality:  plants and green, living things need water! 

I have a large, beautifully vibrant hanging basket at my front door filled with summer flowers.  I have been quite meticulous in my attempts to keep it alive and well. Yesterday, I watered and tended it.  This morning it looked so very sad!  Drooping.  Dying.  Desperate.  Quite sad, really, ...as if only one day without water and all it's life had been slipping away.  As I watered it, I could literally see it revive in front of my eyes.  It was quite remarkable, actually.  As it drank, it seemed to lift it's head very slowly and cry out with a relieved sigh, Thank you!--- looking at me with a satisfied smile.   (Okay... no, my plant didn't actually talk or smile at me...)  But, the revival of life was real, none-the-less!  

Indeed, living things survive on water.  

Awaking today in the morning's cool air and heading out to the garden to water... I felt a nudge and sweet whisper.  Water yourself, Stephanie

Water yourself.

We, too, live in a dry and weary land (Psalm 63:1).  What must we look like day to day when we forget to drink from God?  We need---truly and profoundly need---to sustain ourselves and water ourselves with His Presence, worship, and His Word.  If not, we also easily become droopy.  Dying.  Desperate.  Sad, really. 

Scripture refers to God multiple times as the living water.  (Jeremiah 2:13) He is a living drink without and within!  We must drink deeply....daily... throughout each and every day! 

Lord, I will water myself today.  Thank you for being my sustenance.   I will sit and linger a bit longer---drinking in His love, His Truth and His strength.  For "His love is better than life itself" (Psalm 63) 

God's Status Update

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Today Facebook asked me to "describe who you are".

Apparently this is a new feature Facebook added recently. (or, am I just totally behind the times...equally possible!)  Anyway,  I am asked to answer this weighty question by filling in a tiny square at the top of my page ...in 101 characters or less.

I sat a while and wondered what is most important. Who am I? What shall I say here to sum-up Stephanie ... in 15 words.  Where do I start?  Funny, these thing.

As I sat down to read in Exodus 34 this morning, I saw God's answer--- I saw His "describe who you are" post.  Succinct and to the point, (although, I am not sure He hit the 101 character limit) He tells us what is most important.  He tells us who He is.  

Who are you, God?  

"I AM compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet I do not leave the guilty unpunished.” (Exodus 34:6)

There are many words I could use to describe God.  If it were me filling in God's "describe who you are" box, what might I write?  Where do I begin?  Strong, Wise, Powerful, Eternal, Kind, Right, Holy,...

These are all true about Him, to be sure.  But, when He describes Himself in this instance... He chooses to start with compassion.

Some translations use the word mercy.  Either way, I am so deeply grateful that He starts with mercy!  He begins His description with compassion and grace.  Abounding love and faithfulness.

What a beautiful picture!  In these words, God Almighty reveals an incredible truth to Moses---and to me.  God's foundation, His very core ...the very center of "who He is" is compassion, grace, patience, love, faithfulness, forgiveness and justice. These are the words He chooses to use to describe Himself--- to reveal Himself.

Oh! How I want to know this God more!

Now that I have God's "describe who you are" section.  I wonder how He might fill in "where you work" or "what's on your mind"?  What would God's Facebook status be today?

Darkness Can Do Me In

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These dark, northern hemisphere mornings can just do me in.

The alarm rang this morning and it was just entirely too early.  It felt so very dark.  And... so very cold. Every fiber in my body wanted to stay in my warm and cozy bed... and stay in my warm and cozy sleep, too!

I didn't want to get up.

I just plain did. not. want. to!  Do you ever feel this way?

With a quick, whispered plea-prayer for help, a strength from within pulled and tugged me out of bed.  One foot in front of the other.

These are the moments I am so grateful for the day-in-and-day-out quiet times in God's Word.  Each day, I journey downstairs in the early morning and I eat a meal from Scripture.  In prayer, I drink from my Father's well of grace, love and goodness.  He feeds me on His Truth--on Himself.  These daily meals are the drink, food and spiritual calories that my heavy feet are desperately reliant upon when the truly hard mornings and hard days come.

But, today's early morning darkness and chill didn't dissipate with my quiet time.  It didn't dissipate with my forced-exercise (me forcing me, for clarity sake!).  I. dont. want. to!  was all that really bounced around in my soul.  Like a child having a tantrum, my body and my heart fought each morning's step... each routine.

It didn't dissipate when the sun finally did rise and my children bounded down with joyful greeting.  It still lingered when we began to read God's word together as a family.  I still wanted to go back to bed.

But the routine was there and the Truth was not far behind.   Truth began to speak tenderly into my heart in these moments.

Truth pushed me out of bed and followed me downstairs.  Truth sat with me, in tender patience, as I wandered aimlessly about in my "time-with-God".  Truth followed me into the kitchen this morning and then into the bathroom.  In fact, Truth from last week's God-meal flooded into my mind as I threw myself into the shower...  "My soul finds rest in God alone.  ...Find rest, O my soul!"  (Psalm 62)

Like a quiet voice, these words wafted across my mind.    Find rest, O my soul.

It was in that moment something seemed to alter and awaken.  In that moment the Truth seemed to find a home in my hungry heart.  Ah... my soul seemed to say... ah!  Yes! 

My soul needs rest.  Rest. 

In God alone.  

Find rest, O my soul, in to God alone.  Find rest, Stephanie, in God alone.  

These words, God's Truth,  filled me and moved me and washed over me as the water rinsed my shampooed hair.  His Truth had followed me all morning long and He was, indeed, all the rest I needed today.

For today, I am not done-in by the darkness and the cold.

"Surely Your goodness and Your mercy will follow me all the days of my life!"  (Psalm 23)

Same 'ol

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I feel like I have very little to write these days.
In fact, what I really feel is that if I write, I would just be saying the same things over and over again.

I am a pretty simple girl, I guess.  The lessons that Father has been faithfully teaching me lately have been... well, pretty simple.  And, pretty much the same.  The same-song-second-verse!

Any given day, I sit down to write here and think to myself, "Oh... I have said this before... last week, in fact..."   So, I close my "new post" window and move on.  What is the point of writing it again?

It is all written here already.  Tucked quietly away in my post archives are the numerous lessons of faith and trust and love.  Anxiety, fear, gluttony and control issues line the drawers filled with blog posts about God's faithfulness and His goodness.  If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times.

So, do I keep writing here?

In answer to my own musings a thought comes to mind...God is love.  His love endures forever.  God so loved the world.  His loving mercy is new every morning.

Sixty six books of the Bible.  Thirty nine authors.  ...they all wrote much of the same thing.  Over and over.

A fresh word spoken from Isaiah about God's faithfulness.  Isn't it nice that David wrote it, too.  And David wrote it 130 times!!  And, I am glad that Paul wrote about faithfulness again and again.

Hmmm...  makes me think.

I guess that today's simple lessons are fresh for today's simple girl.  Trust lessons I am learning today are fresh bread for me... maybe, just maybe, they might also be fresh bread for someone reading...

So, forgive me if you keep reading the same-song-second-verse from Koodaigirl...  but, that is what I am singing these days.  And, I am pretty sure, I will be singing that song until the end.

Small Efforts

"The repetition of small efforts will accomplish more than the occasional use of great talents." - Charles Spurgeon

I read this quote this morning and thought, "Now, that is mothering summed up in a nut-shell!"  Parenting, really.  Life, actually!  

Repetition?  Yep.  Laundry.  Laundry.  Laundry.  Dishes. Dishes. Dishes.  Hugs.  Hugs.  Help with schoolwork.  Making of meals.  Night-time tucking little ones into bed.  Daily repetition.  

And, all these things are most certainly "small efforts" in the scheme of life, history and the world-at-large!  

Repeated.  And, small.  

But, I know Charles Spurgeon is on to something here.  I hear Truth and encouragement behind these words.  I do believe that these small things matter.    

Small things are only missed when they are lacking, aren't they?  When the "small efforts" are not made---we call this neglect.  But, when the small things are done and dusted, we take no notice.  

What do these things "accomplish" in the Kingdom of God?  I am not sure I can articulate the what, exactly.  But, I do know they have meaning.  It matters that my kids are well hugged, well-listened-to, well taught and well fed.  It matters that I answer that email.  And, it matters that I smile at my neighbor and stop to talk to that sweet lady on the street.  

Small.  Repetitive.  Yep.  But, strangely important.  

So, off I go to make some small efforts!   Off I go to make much impact with another load of laundry, another sink full of dishes, and another math lesson to teach!!  May it be for Your Glory, Father!  May it accomplish much for Your Kingdom!   

There we go again...

There I go again.

So naturally, so easily...  I run to planning, doing, solving, organizing.

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When things get heavy or rushed.  When things feel a bit overwhelming, or manic, I naturally lean toward "doing" and controlling.

Make a list and check it twice.  Check the box, do the task, cross it off, add another task, do.

And in my doing, I sometimes forget.

This time I forgot.  Days on end, I forgot.  I fed myself on the almost-healthy food of "task completion", rather than eating a nutritious, filling meal on God's word.  I forgot to eat dinner.  Instead I snacked away my heart hunger on the "carrots" and "celery" of list making and planning.

Task completion and planning certainly aren't sinful in-and-of-themselves.   But, they don't satiate, they don't satisfy, they don't feed my soul in the same way that rest, trust and sitting with my Heavenly Father satisfies.

This morning, again, I ran to email first and then to the "to do" list.  ...my "safety blanket" when I am feeling overwrought.

...and, as I was writing, I "almost" heard a still small voice.  Almost, just barely, I heard a whisper into my soul. I heard an invitation..."Come.  Come and sit with me, Stephanie".  "Remain in today. Rest in me." 


I kept writing, re-writing this task list, checking it twice and adding new "must dos" to my list.  But, I knew.  Deep within, I knew.  Why I forgot so easily is beyond me...

So, I went.  Finally, I went.

I sat.  I opened His Word.  Like the first, amazing bite of a juicy bacon burger, His Word fed me instantly.

The Lord is my Light and my Salvation.  

My devotional, which had been neglected for days now, had me reading in Psalm 27.  Do you know what it says in Psalm 27:8...  "My heart says of you, 'Seek His face!' Your face, O Lord, will I seek".   Should I be surprised?

Should I be surprised that my loving, faithful, always-present Father would use His Word to echo the very Spirit's whisper I had barely heard 20 minutes before---Come and sit with me.  Seek My face!

There He goes again. He never gives up on me.  He keep pursuing.    He keeps giving.  He keeps feeding and offering Himself to me.

There He goes again.  ...Loving me.

Fickle Heart...

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My heart is fickle.  I am indeed prone to wander, Lord I feel it!

I don't mean to be faithless and inconsistent.  I just am.

One minute full of faith, trust and the knowledge of His love--- the next minute, doubting or worrying. Afraid or insecure.  My heart is fickle.  Have mercy on me, Lord!  Bind my heart to Yours!

But, my kind Father knows this and still He loves.  His heart is steady.  A fortress.

Still, He is faithful.  Always faithful.  Always loving.

My reading this morning took me to I Kings 19...  truly one of my favorite passages in the Bible.
In the previous chapter, Elijah has just seen God's amazing hand and has acted from a place of deep faith and trust in the Lord.  He knew God and He trusted God in I Kings 18.  But, then in chapter 19 we see him become afraid.  He is scared and overwhelmed.  He feels like giving up.  "I have had enough!" he says to the Lord.  (v.4)

And, God's response...

He is still faithful.  He is loving.  And, Father God is gentle...  so very gentle with Elijah.  In I Kings 19, we see God initiate, steps out and talk to Elijah in his place of frustration.  He meets him right where he is at.  In fact, God lets him sleep and then feeds him.  Then God lets him sleep some more and feeds him again.

Finally, God gives him the opportunity of His Almighty Presence and whispers to him.  Gentle whispers of truth and love.  ...He is always faithful.

My heart is fickle.

My God is constant, faithful and steady.  He is a rock that never changes.  He is reliable.  And, He is loving and gentle.  "an ever present help in time of trouble" (Psalm 46:1).

Ever-present for me.  Ever-present for you, my friend.  Still faithful is our God!

In no wise desert you...

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Words spoken in truth and in love.  She spoke to me words with power.

As I opened the book and read, she reminded me.  A beautiful voice from the past, she spoke truth to my heart this morning.

This is why I read.  This is why I write.

In her writing, she speaks tenderly, as one who is well acquainted with grief and pain.  She speaks forcefully, as one who is learning alongside me... to trust, to surrender, to expect Jesus in her life.

Have you ever read a book and wondered if this book was written just for you?  Every time I pick up this book, Rose from Brier by Amy Carmichael, I am certain that it was written for me...  some 80 years ago.  How did she know what I was feeling?  How did she know exactly what I would need to hear today?  (I would recommend it for anyone who walks with long term illness or pain).

Amy Carmichael, my friend whom I have never met, spoke words to my heart this morning.  She spoke, through time past, a blessing over me...  "Jesus Himself draw near and walk with thee".

She reminded me that Jesus told His disciples that He would never fail or forsake them.  She studied those words "fail and forsake" in the Greek for me and reworded that famous verse saying, "I will in no wise desert you or leave you alone in the field of contest or in a position of suffering.  I will in no wise let go my sustaining grip".

We have a family tradition in our home.  Often, sometimes nightly, we whisper into our children's ears, "No matter where you go.  No matter what you do.  No matter who you become, I will always love you."  These are sweet, special words that surround our kids with love.

But, we can't ...we simply can not tell them, "No matter where you go, I will always be with you."  This, alone, God can say.

I will always be with you.  Always.  I will in no wise desert you.  

With these words, my spirit rose up and my heart widened enough to let Him in, inviting Him to reign again. I stood up with a renewed mind and a strength that comes from Him alone.

With all the craziness of packing, and planning, and cleaning, and leaving...  I needed these words today.  Into my sacred spot, ---my quiet chair---...the place I leave for a few months..., He reminded me that it isn't about the "spot".  It doesn't matter where I go, He is always there--- beside me, near me, around me and within me.

And, I recall words I read just last week from A.W. Tozer,

"God is here.  Wherever we are, God is here.  There is no place, there can be no place, where He is not.  Ten million intelligences standing at as many points in space and separated by incomprehensible distances can each one say with equal truth, God is here.  No point is nearer to God than any other point.  It is exactly as near to God from any place as it is from any other place.  No one is in mere distance any further from or any nearer to God than any other person is."  (The Pursuit of God)

Stephanie, God's Spirit whispers into my heart, I am always with you.  Draw near.  Come and follow me.  Seek Me first and all other things shall be added.  Watch and wait.  I will never leave you.  I will never fail you.  Wherever you go, I will always be with you. 

My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk with me".  And my heart responds, Lord I am coming!  Psalm 27:8

My reader, my friend, I speak to you this morning, May Jesus Himself draw near and walk with you!  

Worry, really? Again?

You would think I would get it, wouldn't you?

After all He has done in my life... all I have learned... you would think that I would have that "no worry!!" and "trust"lesson-thing tied up nicely in a neatly wrapped package with a blue bow on top.

But, alas, nope. Still learning...

This morning I was worried.

...does it really matter about what? Not really.

But, anyway, there I was worrying. Not excessively. Not obsessively, per-se. But, worried, none-the-less. Measuring in my mind. Calculating possible solutions. And, the worry was interrupting my morning quiet time.

And, then I had a remarkable thought. Smack dab in the middle of a worried, calculating, sorting, planning moment (I was figurin' it all out!, right?), I was suddenly reminded of lessons-of-late.

Like a light-tap-on-the-shoulder nudge from the Spirit, I suddenly remembered.

Hadn't Father been so sweetly, gently and patiently teaching me that He was in control? Hadn't Father been showing me that He would "sort-it" and "solve-it" and work it out for His good. ...in His time and in His way.

Yes. Yes, He had.

Not guilt inducing, just a "leading into Truth". Just a reminder.

And, in that moment, I knew. Once again, I had to simply trust Him and ask Him to take this one too. This issue, this problem, He could sort. He could make a way. He could solve. I could trust Him. Simple as that. I could tell Him the issue, how I felt about it, and ask Him to care for it. ...and He would.

...He will. In His time and in His way.

I had a moment of choice. There was a split second where I knew I could choose trust.

And, so I did. Victory!! Hallelujah, Victory!

I settled down in mind and spirit, handed this issue to my Father ... and moved on.

Can I just testify that in no less than 2 hours time, He sorted it?! I am not joking or exaggerating. In less than two hours I had a phone call that answered and solved my dilemma (with a solution, mind you, I could never have come up with on my own)

Now, I know He doesn't always "work that fast". If you have read any previous post regarding my life-long struggle with illness and pain you might know---boy!, do I know that He doesn't always "answer so fast". But, today, He did. And, it made me chuckle inside when He did. And, I think that made Him smile, too.

As if smiling at me, I felt He might say in a sweet-sarcastic tone, "Is that solution okay with you, Stephanie? How did I do?" And, I chuckled.

Next time, ...well, that is...tomorrow, I want to skip the worry part and just go with the trust and surrender part. May I learn this today and for-ever, Father!

Because you would think I would have gotten it by now, don't ya?!

"I do not find that this position, that of unbroken peacefulness [and trust], is one which we can hope to hold unassailed. It is no soft arrangement of pillows, no easy-chair. It is a fort in a enemy's country, and the foe is wise in assault and especially in surprise. And yet there can be nothing to fear, for it is not a place that we must keep, but a stronghold in which we are kept. If only, in the moment we are conscious of attack, we look to Jesus, our Leader and Perfecter. He who endured can protect and maintain that of which He is Author and Finisher and says, "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you..."

~Amy Carmichael, Rose from Brier

My sin... His faithfulness

I woke in the night convicted of sin. It was 4 am and I knew that I had things to talk to the Lord about. So, half asleep, I prayed and found peace and fell asleep. I am so glad He instructs us even in our sleep.

When I came to my quiet spot, this morning, I sat with my Bible and journal and felt horrible. ...conviction? ...shame? ...guilt, poured on by the enemy of my soul? I don't know. But I had a sickness of soul and heart. I had the distinct thought raging in my head, "When will you give up on me, Lord?!"

As I prayed, my thoughts and questions poured out, "When will you throw your hands up and just be done with me?! When will Your love run out? When will you be fed-up? Will You be 'done' with me this morning, Father?"

As the thoughts pummeled my mind, I was interrupted with another Voice. In a moment, I had sweet thoughts flood into this torrent of questions.

My love endures forever.

My love reaches to the heavens. My faithfulness reaches the skies.

I wrote it down. Truth. I know this Truth and it was setting me free. With this blowing of Truth, came instant relief and peace to my heart. The sickness of soul began to dissipate as I sat and rested a moment in the amazing Truth of His love!!

And, then, I had another thought flood, like a bright Light or a fresh breeze...

The problem is not with My love... but with yours, Stephanie.

Do you love me more than these? Do you truly love me?

He was asking. And, like Peter (John 21) I was hurt and pained by His piercing question. Tears flowed. Do I love you, Lord?!

I knew my response. My heart welled up with longing, desire and confidence, You know I love you, Lord!

But, He asked again. And, then He asked again. In gentleness, He pierced my thoughts with the question: Do you love me, Stephanie, more than these...?

And, each time I said to Him, "Yes, Lord, you know I love you!".

He whispered. He nudged, "Feed my sheep".

Feed my sheep. ...Do what I ask of you. Do My work. Follow me.

If you love Me, He says, you will obey my commands.

It is not law, or rules, that drive this obedience and this work. It isn't duty or a "should". Obedience and following Him is driven by, motivated by, love.

Love.

I paused and opened my devotional book. Would you believe that today's assigned reading was in John 21:15? "He said to Simon, Do you love me more than these?"

Coincidence? I think not. ....It made me smile. He knows me that well.

And, the quote from the devotional reading, "Only love is strong enough to keep us faithful." ~Ruben Job

The problem, Stephanie, is not with My love... it is with your love. My love for you endures forever.

Love me more, Stephanie. And, feed my sheep.

Oh, Lord Jesus! I do love you, Jesus! Teach me to love you more. Strengthen my love. Create in me a new heart, a clean heart. Make my heart faithful, true and steadfast. Increase my faith and my love, I ask. Your love endures forever. ...I am so grateful.

Even if He doesn't

Even if He doesn't.

This is what my brothers, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego said to their king Nebuchadnezzar. The king asks them, with a sneer you can read in his words, "What god will be able to rescue you from my hand?"

And theses bold brothers answer Him, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Daniel 3)

Our God is able! If we get sick, our God is able! If we get lost, our God is able! If we get stuck, our God is able!

Our God is able to cure any cancer and heal all disease... My God is able to dispel depression and fix any marriage. My God is able to bring any soul to salvation and rescue any man from a lion's den! My God is able to rescue me from any king, any furnace, or any hand. This I know as sure as I know anything.

They told the king God was able. And then they pause and say... But even if He doesn't

Even if He doesn't... He is still worthy of all my praise. He is still worthy of all my worship. He is still good. And, He is still in control. He is the Creator of the Heaven and the Earth. He sits on His throne and His faithfulness endures forever.

My God is able. Simply put... He can. And often, He does! But, sometimes He doesn't. And even if He doesn't, I will still worship Him.

Even if He didn't.

Before

Earlier this week, I was at the coast with my family walking the dog on the beach and rocks. 
In a quiet moment, when kids and dog played happily, my attention was caught by the sight of the massive cliffs behind us. 

Amazing sight! 
Beautiful.
I was struck in that moment with the bigness of the cliff walls, jutting up from the ground. I was struck by their solidness, firmness, timelessness. I couldn't help but think about the fact that those cliffs have been there... sitting beautifully like that... for many, many years. 
Before me! Before my plans. Before my yesterday and my tomorrow. Long before I was ever born, they were there-- much the same.
I asked the Lord in that moment, while awed by the cliffs, "What is going on in my heart, Father? What is it You want to say to me?"
I knew instantly what He wanted to whisper in my heart, "I was before these!" 
Before.
"He is before all things and in Him all things hold together"(Col. 1:17). This was the sweet phrase from Scripture that was "singing" in my head Thursday and Friday as the Father continued to strength and assure my heart of His goodness, His sovereignty and His love. As security and strength rises within my soul, I am know it is from His hand.

This "before" God that I worship, serve and love stands firm and unmoved. Jesus says in John 8, "I tell you the truth,before Abraham was born, I am!" Before me. Before Abraham. Before the cliffs on my beach coast. He is.
He was, He is and He always will be.

Thank you loving Father for being who You are!! You are the beginning and the end. You are the before and the after. You will always be! You are so solid and I am secure trusting in You. I worship You this moment and say that You are before all things and in You all things hold together! You are Forevermore!

Almighty God, who art ever present in the world without me, in my spirit within me, and in the world above me, let me carry with me through this day's life a most real sense of Thy power and Thy glory. O God, forbid that I should look today upon the work of Thy hands and give no thought to Thee the Maker. Let the heavens declare Thy glory to me and the hills Thy majesty. Let every fleeting lovliness I see speak to me of the loveliness that does not fade."
(John Baillie, from "A Diary of Private Prayer")

Extra Emotion

We laugh in our house sometimes because our daughter walks around with "extra emotion" and our son has two emotions... hunger and thirst. Today my daughter was not alone in her extra emotions. Me, too, sweet girl!

It was my son's birthday today. I realized today that I no longer have a baby and with this thought I felt just a bit sad to start my day. Now mind you, he is eight years old, so maybe my realization is a little slow... but, today it just hit me harder than I expected--- I don't have a baby anymore and I will likely not again have a baby. I just really loved my babies...

Before my eyes they just seem to grow so fast. I want them to grow, of course,... what mom wouldn't!... but, I also want them to stay close, snuggled on my my lap, looking up at me with those eyes that say, "I want to marry Mommy someday". (He did say that one time when he was three or four years old!).

So, what is it that makes me feel that tinge of sadness exactly? Is it worry as I wonder after the changes time will make on my son and our relationship? It should change, of course... Oh! I feel the tug of those "apron strings" already! Is it fear? Is it even sad? Can I name it at all? I don't know that "sad" really defines it well. What is this extra emotion? It just feels like my heart is full... and being stretched, maybe. It is like my insides are being tugged on a bit and the tugging brings tears just right to the brim of my eyes as I watch him grow and change.

I am enjoying a new book this week, Instructing a Child's Heart, by Tedd Tripp. I have only read the first two chapters, but tonight while reading... I had just a lot of extra emotion! While reading just one chapter, I felt first "encouraged" because I had "done that right" and next I felt deflated because "well, I missed that one!" Too funny... the shifting shadows of mood and emotion.

So, when I find myself in this place of "extra emotion", I am blessed by God's word. My place of refuge and peace is the Word of God.

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken" (Psalm 62)
I was blessed tonight as He reminded me again of His rock-like quality, His faithfulness, His fortress-like immovability. These stationary qualities of my Father are a great encouragement to my soul. My Father is unchanging and immovable. There is no darkness in Him at all. ...no shifting shadows. He is a rock. He is our fortress. He is a strong tower to be run into... Ah! The beauty of these Truths when my emotions are in flux... even just mildly.

So, tonight, my Rock God...I hand to you my extra emotion--- whatever it may be named. And, I rest on You. I rest in You tonight.

Ditch Days

He was tired and afraid. He was discouraged and ready to "be done" with the work. Elijah was a man just like us, James tells us (James 5:17). In 1 Kings 19, we see this man-Elijah very clearly portrayed. He was having a "ditch-day", as we call it in our home. Elijah was ready to ditch it and be done.

I feel that way sometimes, too.

There are days when I am so done with ministry and life. Not that I am ready to die--- I'm not. It isn't a place where I don't want to live anymore... not at all. It is just a place where I want to live VERY differently. You know, the place where I don't have to clean my house ever again--- someone else does that for me! Or, it is when I am ready to stay in my pajama's all day, watch movies or sleep, and eat candy non-stop. Or, I am ready to NEVER write another email again, or talk deeply with another soul. I am ready to throw my computer out the window. Or, it is those days that I am ready to move to the mountains of Montana, buy a cabin, and just sit ...and rock... and rock on the porch day-in and day-out. There are days when I feel fully "done" with all responsibilities, all cares, or even all God-given ministry.

I think this is the place that Elijah found himself in I Kings 19. Elijah was a man just like us.

He runs away. He escapes. In our home, we call these "ditch days" and we laugh (and sometimes share openly) about our "escape plans". Some people have escape plans that include an island in Greece. For others it is the little house in a provincial town in the Bible belt. Whatever it may look like, it seems that most people in full time God-work have an escape plan.

The beauty of our good, kind and compassionate (slow to anger) Father is that He knows this about us. Who is like Him? Almighty, All powerful and, yet, so full of love. His mercies are new every morning! His love pursues us, follows us... runs after us as we escape (or even just "plan" to escape).

Almighty God ran after Elijah. Elijah runs, collapses and falls asleep... and God is right there with Him. Elijah wakes up from his place of exhaustion and is fed by the hand of God. It says angels put bread right next to him. Amazing. God knows Elijah needs food. Our Father knows. And, then Elijah collapses in exhaustion again. At each point along Elijah's "ditch day" journey, God is pursuing Elijah. Feeding him, letting him sleep, protecting him and then talking to him.

Why are you here, Elijah? It is as if God just wants to hear Elijah's heart. Tell me, Elijah, tell me what is in your heart... why are you running? Why are you here? Father gently probes, pokes and inquires. No judgement. No condemnation. In fact, just a simple question and a simple piece of bread. Elijah answers God's question twice... the same way--- I have worked and worked, God and NOW I am all alone!

At the end of this "ditch-day", God gives Elijah two amazing gifts. First, God takes Elijah to a place... a quiet place, where the Father reveals Himself. He shows up! God, Himself, pulls back the veil just a bit and whispers His very real Presence. What a gift! This, in and of itself, is enough to propel Elijah to move on, to keep going and to pick up the responsibilities again. But, God is not done pouring out His compassionate love! God then gives Elijah a friend, a comrade-in-arms, a co-worker to carry the load. Father gives him Elisha. Both help and hope are given in this new friend. Help in the now and hope that the work will go on. God tells Elijah with His very Presence that He is not alone. And, then, to top it off, Father God gives Elijah a co-worker. You are NOT alone, Elijah!

Ditch days are real and inevitable. But, in God we find mercy, compassion and love. He pursues us and gives sleep, food, a quiet place, His Presence, His Voice and friends... co-laborers.

Thank you, Father for Your amazing, unfailing love.

What about me!?

Who's taking care of me? This was the cry of my heart, this morning. A selfish cry? Yes! But a genuine, heart-felt cry from deep within as I juggled the normal... breakfast, laundry, phone call, email, early morning prayer meeting, time with the Lord?, children, dog, husband, upcoming guests... I woke up this morning bombarded by needs. What about me? I just wanted to get back into bed and sleep another hour.
When I sat down to pray... I just began to tell the Lord exactly how I was feeling. I love that my Father in Heaven is not burdened, upset, worried or shaken by my emotional well-being. His throne, His crown, His very being is perfectly stable regardless of how I am feeling! It is such grace to remember this. I can rant and rave and cry and stamp my feet a bit... and He is unmoved. Not that He doesn't care for me and not that His heart is not filled with compassion, I believe it is. But, my emotional make up any given morning does not affect His well being. What a blessing!

So, I told my Dad how I was feeling and He listened. Did I feel Him listening right away--- no! I was feeling grumpy, selfish and angry. I wasn't feeling His presence at all. But, after a time of telling and then sitting and then remembering... and His presence was more distinguishable. I knew exactly what my heart needed. I needed to worship and give thanks. My heart needed to look up and out a bit. So, I began to thank Him. It isn't hard once you get started. There are so many blessings! He has given me so much and has cared so well for me. He has been so good, so kind, so sweet to me. It is amazing what thankfulness can do for a selfish heart!

And then the sweet words began to flood my heart and mind... "in repentance and rest is your salvation". "Restore the joy of my salvation". "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty". Ah! His rest. He, Himself is my care-giver. He is my refuge and the One who gives to me. He gives strength to the weary and makes those tired mount upon wings like eagles. He never tires. He never sleeps. He takes care of me and He is a good and loving Father.

O kind Father, thank you for Your sweet love and care. Thank you for Your word and Your grace. You have strengthened me and given me hope. You have restored the joy of my salvation and given my heart rest. I am still tired, Lord. I need You to carry me. Thank you for Your limit-less love and grace. I choose to dwell in You today and rest in Your shadow.

Intention game

What does it really matter when I intend to do something and don't? I am reminded of the two sons that Jesus tells us about... one who says he will help and then doesn't, one who says he won't help and then ends up helping. What does it really matter when I say I am going to do something... and don't? Intentions don't really amount to much at all without the doing.

I have intended to exercises lately. Great. But, does that make any bit of difference in the actual health of my body... my intention? In fact, to be quiet honest, it can be argued that the intention without the follow-through is more detrimental than helpful. I am certainly conscious of my intentions. Therefore, when I don't follow through I know my failure keenly. Failure can bring discouragement. Discouragement can begin a cycle of the "fixing-it" heart techniques that include more good intentions. And, so the circle begins. The intention game begins.

I have intended to eat better lately. Fabulous, right? What do my intentions do for me exactly?...

I have intended to guard my tongue lately...

I have intended to pray more consistently throughout my day...

I have intended to read more... to shut off the television...

I have intened to not worry about this or that...

I have intended...

So, Christ asks the crowd, "What do you think?". He asks the crowd for their opinion regarding his story of the two sons. Which son did what the father wanted, he asks them. The answer is so plain. The son who actually does what the father asks is the son in the right.

I want to be the right son. I want to do what I intend to do. Why do I do what I don't want to do and can't seem to do what I want to do? Hmmm... sound familiar (Romans 7)? "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

So, my game of intentions is played and failed... oh, what a wretched one I am! Thanks be to the God and my Lord Jesus Christ!

Oh kind Father, help me to follow-through on my good intentions. It matters what I do and not only what I say, I know Lord. Forgive me, Lord when I fail. When I am like that one son who says "I will" and yet don't, please forgive me. Help me to do what I say I want to do, to do what I know you want me to do... give me Your strength, Your perspective and Your perseverance. Thank you for Your grace, mercy and unfailing love. I stand on it.

Accidental Mess

It was upside down. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe I had just made such a mess of the important project. It was upside down!

So, last night I sewed a badge on my daughter's Girls Guides Jacket. And, yes, after sewing it on nice and tight (to handle to washing machine), I realized that I had sewn the patch on upside down. Upside down!!! It doesn't read "100 years" (to commemorate the 100th year of Girls Guiding), it reads "sraey 001". This was a problem!

Will anyone notice? I think to myself. I tug at it a bit. Wow! I did that stitch really well (on the sewing machine, mind you!). Do you laugh? Do you cry? Do you throw something?

My daughter walked up to me about the same moment I was seeing my mistake and I showed it to her. The look on her face was a -"Mom, you MUST fix this!"-expression that was priceless. So, I dug around in our sewing kit for the stitch-remover-doohickey. I settled down in a comfy chair to begin the ripping process.

The stitches were in there tight! Why did I do them so small and so tight?? What was I thinking would happen to this little badge? What was I thinking? It was accidental.

And, so the ripping began.

It was a quiet moment while I ripped and dug and pulled and tugged at the little patch. In the quietness I asked God to show me Himself. This is what God is doing in my heart, isn't he? I began to think. There are wrongly placed ideas, identities, values and thoughts that have been sewn in deeply, tightly, and securely. For better or worse, as a child, my family patched my heart and soul with experiences, images and ideas that were upside down and backwards. An accidental mess was made in my heart, mind, and soul. Some of my painful childhood experiences were like badges sewn on upside down!

That doesn't belong there, my Father says! It should read, "Loved" not "unloved", He exclaims when looking at my heart! It should read "trust" not "fear", He says with His seam-ripper in hand. Father just sits down quietly and begins to rip--- one stitch at a time. Let's get those thoughts, those ideas, those values right side up! We need a new a new patch--- a new badge!, He says with a gentle smile and unwavering hands.

As I ripped the badge off my daughter's jacket, I tore a few holes. I was careful. I was slow in the process... but still, a few holes remain from the ripping. God has been ripping seams and stitches of my life out for a while now. The process has been painful at times and a few scars remain. Many of my badges are right side up now, thank you Father! Yet, there are still a few to go.

I will now sew the patch right side up on my sweet girl's jacket. It will look just fine and yes, I fixed it! When she goes to her Girls Guiding meeting she will wear a jacket with a badge rightly placed... and placed with much time and love.

"God makes all things beautiful in His time. What God does endures forever. Nothing can be added to it or taken away from His work in our life." (Ecc. 3)

Same but different

Today I was sharing a prayer request with a friend. She noted that my request sounded all too familiar. "This is the same thing you have been asking for years, Stephanie".

Yep.

Yes, I know. Then she said something sweet for my heart, "Steph, though, the request does sound a little different. It is shared from a different place." The same request from a different place.

Same but different.

While I lived in Turkey, "Mamma Jo" was my teammate. She was a wonderful mother figure to me and a grandmother to my children those 5 years. She was "seasoned" and had been a Christian for most of her life. Years. 50 years. 50+ years as a Christian.

Mamma gave me many gifts through the years of being on team together. One of the greatest gifts she gave me was perspective on my struggles. She would remind me that she, too, struggled with the same old issues in her life.

This reminder wasn't always the encouragement that she meant it to be. Although I know this on one level, in my mind somewhere I believe that I will one day soon be perfect! Okay... maybe not perfect; but, certainly I will move on past these issues, right!? (I fondly call them my 15-year-old-girl struggles. They are still with me!)

Certainly, I won't still be asking to grow in trust, surrender, pride and awareness of His presence, right?! I would ask Mamma this and she would look at me with that "Mamma Jo-look". I would know her answer without words. "Honey", she would say with tenderness... "No, you won't be perfect. You won't be perfect this side of heaven".

Although in part this was discouraging... What?!! Mamma Jo still struggled with the same stuff after all these years!... there was a deep, lasting encouragement in Mamma's words and life.

For though she testified to struggling with the same old issues... I knew that she trusted more, she believed more fervently, and she turned to the Father more tenderly and more quickly than I did. Just one look at her life and I knew that she was further down the road.

The same struggles, maybe,... but different.

She was living a life of victory upon victory.

I know I am living a life of more victory, too. If I look at the map of my life, my walk with the Lord, I know that I trust more, I surrender more and am more aware of His presence than I was in years past. I do see the victories over the years. I do see victories this past week! This encourages my heart and it is good to look back a bit to see from where I have come.

Okay, Mamma Jo, so I won't be perfect. Not yet. And I may share the same prayer requests week after week... But, I am sharing them from a different place on the road. No leaps forward. Just steps forward on the road.

Yes, I am the same... but I am also different.

Father, help me to follow Your son one step at a time. Help me to rely on You, Your strength, You work in my heart and to trust You with my growth... to trust You with my victories. Thank you for grace and mercy when I fail. Lord, thank You for knowing the way forward and showing me the way, the truth and the light of this journey. For You have begun this good work in me and You will bring it to completion. Have Your way with me, Lord!