Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #7 "Sin"

Sin

There is a place I go 

to which looks so

 ..so different at night.

In the daylight it calls me. 

Sweetness on my tongue.

Cool and quiet. 

A place of rest. 

In my mind, on my way there, 

I feel the pull.  

The draw.

It always appears delight 

in my mind's eye---

As if by night, I have never visited. 

Each moment

Each venture seems the same

The draw

The journey

The rationale

The place. The taste.

And then...  the memory

Within memory is where the night time terror lives.

Dark and dank.

Rank and rotten.

Screaming shame.

'Even at night my heart instructs me'

This memory lane reveals the true nature of this place. 

Every. Single. Time.

An emptiness

which always leaves me wanting. 

Angry. Hurting.

Bitter and sour. 

Cold and alone.

No rest.

Indeed there is no rest for the 

wicked.  

Written May 2020

 

Never Runs Dry

I needed more again today...  Unedited and re-posted from 2011. 

Will it run out?  my heart wondered, in the quietness of the morning.

Today I came to my Heavenly Father with a burden of sin.  Conviction of my sin weighed heavy on my soul.
  
Will your mercy and your forgiveness have a limit?  Will it run out?  

I know the Biblical, Theological, head-truth answer to my heart's question:  Of course not!!  Never!

When it says His love as unfailing in Scripture, does it mean anything less than un-failing?  When it says eternal, can it mean less than eternal?  When it speaks of His faithfulness being as high or long as the heavens?  Or, His love being as deep as the oceans?

When the Word of God tells me that God's mercies are new every morning, could He possibly be out of fresh mercy for today?  Could it be that He might finally say, 'Nope, not this morning, I am afraid.

Of course not! ...No!  Never!

His love.

His grace.

His mercy.

Each unfailing.  All boundless, unconditional, faithful and steadfast.  Always enduring and eternal.  Always new and freshly offered.  This, this!, is the truth of the matter...

And yet my heart wondered this morning, When will your grace to me run out?  When will you be fed-up with my wandering heart?  When will it be the "last straw"?

In the very moment of wondering, my Father answered this morning with a in-my-face real life example.

Here, let me show you...  He whispered.

As I was praying and seeking and wondering, right then!, my son disobeyed me.  Again.  Same disobedience.  How many times have we talked about this?  How many times have I reprimanded him and corrected his behavior.  He was doing it again... I could hear him in the other room.  Again.

Does your love and grace run out for your son?  my kind Father whispered into my aching, sinful heart.
  
Are you done with him, your sweet boy?  Is this the last straw?  You done loving him, Stephanie?  
  
No, Lord!  May it never be!!  my heart welled up with deep truth and emotion...  Of course not!! Never!!  
  
And He reminds me of this beautiful, theological, Biblical truth ...right in my today-home.

"If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask." (Matthew 7:11)

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Oh! How He surprises me with His eternal, everlasting, ever reaching love!!  Oh how He loves us!!  Oh how gracious our gentle, kind and loving Father is!!  I am struck a new today...  Fresh grace.  Fresh mercy.  Fresh love. ....that will never run out.  

"I know not a word which can express the surprise and wonder our souls ought to feel at God's goodness to us. Our hearts playing the harlot; our lives far from perfect; our faith, almost blown out; our unbelief often prevailing; our pride lifting up its accursed head; our patience a poor sickly plant, almost nipped by one night's frost; our courage little better than cowardice; our love lukewarmness; are ardor but as ice -- oh, my dear brethren!... we should indeed be surprised that the sun of divine grace should continue so perpetually to shine upon us, and that the abundance of heaven's mercy should be revealed in us." 

- Charles Spurgeon

Unedited and re-posted from 2011. 

My Advent

There are days when it all feels very heavy and dark.  The world.  The news.  The sadness.

But, today, I awoke with a sadness that was almost oppressive.  Sadness seemed to hang around my neck as I rose from bed.  It pulled me down and filled my chest as I sipped my coffee.  Grief sat in my throat as I ate and weighed heavy as I walked to church.  As worship began, the tears hung heavy in my eyes...  slow, big, fat, hot tears.

Heavy, dark sadness.

I was sad... deeply saddened by the state of my heart.

Simply put, in my life, there is a certain way of thinking and seeing that is just wrong.  Profoundly wrong.  I know it is wrong; and yet, I still think the crooked thoughts and see with these darkened eyes.  There seems to be nothing I can do to change it.   Years, my heart cries.  Years and years I have seen this way and battled against it.   Years, Lord!  I cry out...longing for this to be changed.

I even know why I might naturally think this way...   I am aware.  I know the history--- I understand the where it came from.  God has shown me.   And, that has helped.   Awareness is definitely good.

But, still.  Still, I can't shift it.  I can't seem to change or fix the pattern.  My friend refers to these places as tectonic plates in our souls.  I seriously need an big 'ol 8.0 to shake these set ways of seeing.  Where can I go and what can I do?

It was one moment in time...

One swift moment.  This morning, in the midst of this heavy grief over my sin...

One young man reading one well-known passage in Scripture. 

A phrase.  A line from the text.  The Word jumped out of his teenage mouth into my dark heart and there was instantaneous light.  I felt it.  One beautiful moment...   Truth and light.

I quickly found the passage to read it again.  I couldn't take my eyes off it!  I read and read.  As I read the Word, I could literally feel the surge of hope.  I could feel the light swelling and pushing out the sadness.

"Every valley shall be raised up.  Every hill made low.  The rough ground shall become level and the rugged places a plain." (Isaiah 40:4)

Rugged and rough places.  Dark valleys...

In my minds eye I could see the rough and rugged reality of my soul--- these wrong ways of thinking and the dark valleys where my eyes could not see rightly.

My soul.  Rough.  Rugged.  Thorny and full of stones.

As if I could hear the Spirit of the Lord this morning saying over me, "Make a straight path for our God!" (Isaiah 40:3)  He commands it.  The Lord wills it.  Over me, He speaks...  I will make it level!  

In me.  In and over these rough places.  In me... a straight path.  Level ground.  A green plain.  A straight pathway for the glory of the Lord.

This is the gospel.  This is what Jesus has done for me.  This is what Jesus is doing in me...   The now and the 'not yet'.  He has shifted.  He will shift.  And, He continues to shift the rocks and make way for His way in and through me.  I have seen it.  I will continue to see it.

Light shone into my darkness this morning.  This morning, I, once again, saw a great light.  The darkness will not overcome it.  He is making all things new.  This will shift.  This will change.

There are days when it all feels very heavy.  Yes.

Today, I will wait.  I will hope and I will watch for the Lord.  With joy, now, hovering over my head and light filling out the spaces of my heart---I wait.

My advent. 

"And then, imperceptibly, it was death and winter that yielded, and life and spring stood at the door and beckoned." ~ Elizabeth Goudge, Towers in the Midst

God Laughs

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I think God laughed at me.

I am pretty sure of it, actually.  I can't say I heard audible laughter---just something deep and profound---

... seriously, I am pretty sure God had a good ol' chuckle.

There has been an issue that has tormented me my whole life long... since the earliest of years in my life.  This issue, I have written on this blog numerous times, can only be summed up in two words:  gluttony and vanity.  Big, ugly words, right?

Seasons of this struggle have been harder than others, to be sure.  Through the years, at times, I have felt lovely green pastures of freedom and rest.  But, recently the valley of this struggle and the temptations have been dark, intense, and stifling.  ...not to sound too dramatic.  Honestly, though, it can be constant and it can be suffocating.

Gluttony for me can be defined as the focus on food...  too much, too little, the right kind, the wrong kind, the taste, and the lust for---

Vanity for me can be defined as the focus on my body shape, type, weight, or being admired for my outward appearance---

Even as I write these things so black and white on the screen, I can feel the heat of shame and the embarrassment rising up my neck.  Bear with me, please.

I just finished an excellent book, It's Not How You Look, It's What You See by Lisa Bevere.  Funnily, it was handed to me by a co-worker who offered it into my hands as a "resource" for others.  Because, of course, I couldn't possibly struggle with such an issue.  Right?  Someone so "seasoned" in my relationship with the Lord.  Ugh... the masks and the assumptions we make about each other!!  Yes, I struggle with this!  And, boy-oh-boy is it a doosy in my heart.  Lord, have mercy.  

In this book Lisa Bevere, deals with this issue head-on and calls it exactly what it is...  idol worship.  Even in my crazy honesty here--- I will easily name it issue.  Today, I call it sin.

Idol worship.  Wow.  My struggle is that I worship a particular body type.  I worship "thin".  I worship a particular weight on the scale.  I worship food and what I think it will feed in me... the taste, the substance, the filling.  It is a terrible cycle.

I am asking God to instruct my heart in this... to write new truth in my life.  With David in Psalm 32:8, I am asking God to "instruct and teach me in the way I should go."

Today, afresh, I repent.  I choose to resist the world's (and my) definitions.  I choose to crush the idol of thin.  I choose to smash the idol of food.  I am done with the fear of fat and the lie that chocolate is what I need/deserve this afternoon.  I am done with my solutions, my plans, my ideas, and my way forward.

For the last six months, I have been counting calories for the first time in my life.  With keen awareness of this sin-reality in my heart, I have never owned a scale and never been on a diet.  Weird, I know, for someone who struggles with this sin.  I just knew these would be destructive for me. 

But, in desperation, six months ago, I started using a phone app to count calories.  Faithfully, I have been eating the "right" amount of calories that would ensure weight loss.  It is just mathematics, right?

According to my app, I should have dropped 15 lbs... 

I haven't lost a single pound.  Not a gram.  Not a single ounce.  (I am weighing myself like a crazy lady at the local pharmacy---due to "no scale rule!")  NOT a single pound.

Friday, I was out and about town and jumped on the scale.  It read the exact same number it always does (yes, I know the scale works!).
Exact.  Same. Number.

Like the punch line of a joke.  There is the number---staring right back at me.  And, I just stood there.   Really!?  When I stepped off the scale this time, I knew that God was laughing... 
I could just hear/feel/sense His big, belly, friendly, love-filled laughter---  Really, Stephanie?  Really...? 

Does that sound cruel?  It really wasn't.  It didn't feel cruel even at the time.  He was laughing at me, with me... all around me.  Another one of His miracles--- His cosmic jokes.  He miraculously kept the weight on.

As I walked home with His laughter in my heart, whispers filled my mind...  Weight is an ugly idol, Stephanie.  You aren't going to loose weight this way.  It isn't going to happen.  So give up the number.  That is not the point.  Let it go.  Can you let it go, Stephanie? 

I could feel beautiful agreement and submission in my heart...  I feel strong and healthy, Lord.  I want to take good care of this tent.  That's all, Lord.  I know that You alone are my hope, my happiness, my fullness, my joy... not these other things.  

Through the following days, I ponder and I pray.  I repent and I sit.  What is the point, Stephanie?  What are you really after?  Why?  I will instruct Your heart in the way You should go.  I will teach You new things.  

It wan't the first time.  I am certain it won't be the last...
But, yep.  God laughed at me. And, I most certainly won't be getting on a scale anytime soon.

Comfort Food

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I am a hungry girl.

And, I love my comfort food.  Coffee.  Cakes.  Chips and Chocolate.  You?

I hunger for love and attention.  I hunger to be known.  I hunger for peace and quiet.  And, I hunger for rest.

The ways I have tried (and do try) to feed that hunger are wide ranging and numerous.  My "comfort foods" of choice vary in taste and color...  I attempt to use sleep and television.  I use people and reading good books.  I have also been known to plan and organize, to clean and order life.  I can use (and abuse) chocolate and peanut-butter.  Coffee.  Cakes and Chips.  What do you use?

The hunger in me to be at peace or to be known, heard and filled can be intense at times.  Like a craving that rises up from my gut.  It cries out and needs feeding.

Two days ago I opened God's word to Psalm 93 and read the first line.  "The Lord reigns" (Psalm 93:1).  Upon reading those words, in an instant, my hunger ceased.  In that moment, I sat with the words, trying to take them in.  Mulling, meditating, bathing in the truth of those words.

The Lord reigns. 

The Lord reigns.  

His Word---the Truth of who He is--- a meal for my hungry heart.

Yesterday, I opened the same Psalm.  I read the second line.  "...the Lord is robed in majesty and armed with strength; indeed, the world is established, firm and secure." (Psalm 93:1)

Better than chocolate.  Better than coffee...  better than a good night's sleep or a well ordered cupboard---my heart felt rest.  Even better than the best of friends.

As I mulled and sat with those words---whispering them under my breath.

The Lord is robed in majesty. 

Robed.  Majestic. 

The Lord is armed with strength.

Strong.  

The world is firm and secure.  

Ah, the comfort.  Ah the quiet that Scripture brings my heart.  This all knowing, reigning, strong God knows, sees and fills me.

The comfort food of God's Word never ceases to amaze me.  This hungry girl comes---even for just one short moment---and she is fed.

"I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; 

with singing lips my mouth will praise you." (Psalm 63:5)  

Where exhaustion can take me...

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There is a powerful urge that I feel sometimes... a voracious appetite.  Do you ever feel it?

In recent years, I have become more aware.  Rather than just following it without thought, I am finally becoming more conscious of this drive, this hunger.  I catch and  "see" the signs.  And, I am starting to see what triggers the feeling.  

The hunger?  Simply put, I just want to eat.  And, then I want to eat more.  Something a little sweet.  Something a little salty.  Now, I want something more that is sweet... and on it goes. The desire is strong.  The pull can be intense.  I can go (mentally or actually) scrounging through the kitchen and find myself something tasty to bring relief to the "hunger" within.

Am I the only one?

My husband assures me that I am not alone in my hunger---although his voracious "eating" doesn't include food.  He is driven or pulled toward media, he explains.  He just wants to watch, or to research, or to read random news articles.  But, he too is aware of the drive and the intense pull.  We aren't alone in this drive to numb, to relax, to calm, to get-back-to-equilibrium.  We just crave different things to fill the hunger...

What do you crave?  

I do know my triggers...  at least in part.  I have written before of my tired temptations.  For instance, I know that when I am exhausted---physically, emotionally or spiritually---I can find the lure-to-numb really inviting!  I am still not quite sure where I learned this pattern---when did I learn to go to food to feed the emptiness that exhaustion can bring?  But certainly, when I am tired... I want to eat.  And, I want to numb.  The question I have been asking is why?  and when?  

Does the food actually give me a burst of energy?  Maybe.  Or, does it give me comfort?  Maybe even a bit.  ...a learned comfort, at least.  But, does it give me what I really need in those tired moments?    Most definitely not.  The interesting thing is that my drive to food is never satisfied and if I indulge the cravings... I am never satisfied.  I never find rest, peace or equilibrium when I eat to fill that void. In fact, quite the opposite happens!  Filling this "hunger" with unnecessary food often produces a cycle of frustration, annoyance and irritation with myself.  

What do I truly need in these moments??   I need rest.  ... rest.  I need rest and peace and equilibrium.  I need Jesus.  

The very Person of Jesus is the obvious answer to my true needs.  His Presence offers me rest.  "Come to Me, all you who are weary...and I will give you rest", He says. "The peace I give is from Me...not like the world's peace", he invites me in.  He is my manna, the Bread of Life that will nourish.  In Him I can find filling and satisfaction.  In Him I have found fullness!  

This powerful urge within... may it draw me into You, Lord Jesus.  May I receive from You all I need!!  Change the "natural" and automatic response within me to run to food and other things... may I learn to run to You and find my rest in You alone.  

Where (or to who... or to what) do you go when you are tired or exhausted?  

Teaching me while I sleep...

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The other night, I believe that God spoke to me in a dream.

This wasn't a "first" for me.  He has used dreams before.  And for me, more often than not, He has used dreams to instruct my heart and convict me of sin.  ...to teach me.  

This dream was no different.  He has something to say, something to remind me, something to teach me...again.  

The dream was simple.   I saw a man I knew, a respected man, and the man said to me plain-and-clear, "If God tells you something once, you need to listen.  If He tells you something two times, it is very important, Stephanie.  And, if He tells you a third time, take heed."  And then I woke up. 

Take heed.  On waking, I knew.  I knew instantly that my Father was talking to me.  Immediately, in that moment,  I asked Him, "What is it, Father?  What are you saying?"  

Within seconds, almost instantly, I had this phrase come to mind:  It is just food.  

It is just food, Stephanie.  

You see, I have just found out that I have (yet another) food intolerance that I need to juggle.  My body has always been a bit of a holey tent to say the least.  And, the issues with food allergies and intolerances have only been the most recent of "holes" I have found in this my earthly tent.  

For days, this news was like an emotional slap.  Really, Lord...One more thing, Lord? One more major food to avoid?  One more "issue" in my body??  Worry--Confusion---  How am I to incorporate this?  Frustration and even Anger reigned in my heart for days after getting the blood test results.  

It is just food.   With simplicity and kindness of tone came these words.  And, I knew they were from His Spirit to my heart. ...for they brought light, a soul-widening and distinct peace.  

For anyone who has read my blog for any length, you will know that I have struggled many years with the sin of gluttony.  A love, or lust, for food has plagued me and I have struggled with issues of overeating---for a variety of heart-reasons, to be sure!  

He has slowly been peeling my hands and heart away from food and He has kindly used food allergies to aid in this difficult process.  A love for food is a hard one to break!  ...any "loves" that are not of Him are, aren't they?  They hold us and we grasp.  And, we return to them time and time again.  

This is my "third" major food allergy category.  Thus, the "if the Lord tells you something three times", I think.  

He has taken my "food-loves" away and required me to choose my health and well-being over my love for food.  And, He has shown me through this that "food is fuel". ...fuel, yes, that is to be enjoyed in special ways at times.  But, fuel, -none-the-less.  It is just food, right?  

It is just food, Stephanie.  Let go and release.  It isn't that big of a deal.  

His words, these words, have brought significant freedom to my heart.  He has lightened the load of this news.  And, He is already using the "hard" news to bring fruit in my soul.  

Gomer, my dog and me.

A few weeks ago I began calling my dog by a nickname: "Gomer".

She was dubbed this infamous title when we found out that she has been going out, into the town, wandering late at night. ...to be fed? ...to interact with all the people at the local pubs who think she is adorable? We aren't really sure why she goes... but, go she does!

The problem with her wandering is multifaceted, for sure! But, the biggest problem is that she is a black Labrador and, with few street lights, our little town is very dark at night. The likelihood of her getting hit by a passing car is very high. She is not street wise and she is black as the night. She is simply not safe wandering the night streets! ...my Gomer dog.

We do provide all that she needs here in our home... warmth, food, relationship, and faithful care. And yet, she still runs away. She still wanders.

She, our dog, also receives punishment when she is caught (which she doesn't like!)... but, still, she wanders. We love her much! And, yet, she runs.

I don't think it is only coincidence that last week in Spurgeon's devotional, he focuses his readers on Hosea 14. And, I also don't think it is coincidence that this morning, in a separate devotional my "reading" for today was Hosea 14. Do you think God might be saying something to me? I do.

I, too, could go by the nickname Gomer.

I, too, wander. I wander away from what I know is best and safe. I wander in thought and deed. I wander while knowing full well that what I have in my Heavenly Father is perfect relationship, warmth, food and faithful care.

Yesterday it was the food that I wasn't hungry for... physically hungry for... that I choose to eat anyway. This isn't a new temptation, if you are new to my blog. ...a lust for taste overpowering the nudges of the Spirit to "stop".

...my punishment: an over-full, uncomfortable stomach. And, harder still, deep conviction that again (yes, again!) I have wandered from the safety and beautiful gift that God actually intended physical food to be for me.

Some, I suppose, wouldn't feel the burden of overeating at a meal. For some this, "oops, I ate too much!" isn't a big deal. And, sometimes we do it "by accident", for sure. But, this wasn't the case yesterday. I knew full well what I was doing and kept on eating! Rebellion was part of my overeating yesterday.

As a Church, we do tend to talk about our gluttony, ...that bag of chips, that chocolate bar, ...with a very light-hearted, unaffected easiness and manner. Typically our greatest concern is the added inches to our waistline. For me, it is more than that. The Lord, long ago, took me to task for my wandering lust for food and how I use food to "feed" the needs only the Lord can fill. It is no longer about my waistline... it is so, so very much about my heart. This may not be your issue. Our issues are all different. Our temptations very unique. Our wanderings look as different as the shape of our noses.

So, anyway... My "Gomer" dog wanders. And, I welcome her back each and every time. Of course, I do! I still will feed her, pet her, and give her a warm place to sleep. Even though I know full well she will wander if given the chance, I will still love her.

And, she is just a dog. And, I am just a human.

Aren't I worth so much more to God than many sparrows (or dogs!)? (Matt. 10:31)

And, if I ...who am evil... know how to give good gifts and love, doesn't my Father in Heaven give beyond and above me! (Matt. 7:11)

My repeat offense... a temptation and fall that pulls me down from time to time... this too, has been taken and covered by the blood of my Savior Jesus! This strikes me as particularly awe-some today. In light of my wandering heart, this Truth and this Love is striking and poignant.

Just as God instructed Hosea to go and get Gomer back from her night's wandering... again, and again. So, He invites me back. Always.

And, this is what He was reminding me this morning. This is what He has been whispering to my heart via my dog, Spurgeon and my devotional book. ... return to me, again, Stephanie. Bring to me your words of repentance, again. And, I will... I will love you faithfully! I will feed you, again. I will take you in and wash you. I will love you and delight in you! ...just come back.

And, go and sin no more.

Listen to Your Body

The advice I received when I exited the hospital two weeks ago was, "Listen to you body!"

I have never been very good at listening to my body-- maybe that is part of the reason I ended up flat on my back with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome 10 years ago.

My body takes second string to the other "voices" of my mind, my heart, my wants (or will) and my sinful tendencies. I can easily listen to and hear the many Stephanie-shoulds... the many, many "ought-tos". I compare and judge myself.

To actually listen to the cues that my loving Creator, my Father, has put in my body is a concept that I have struggled with most of my life.

Exhaustion and fatigue come as a second/third/fourth reminder of a general "tiredness" that was the first, gentle nudge to take a rest. What if I just listened more to that first sign of "tiredness"--- of body, of mind, of spirit and or soul? ...never having to get to that exhaustion and fatigue.

Anxiety and "overwhelmed" are second/third/fourth reminders of that general feeling of calculation and control (list making!) red flag that Father God has shown me. What if I heard that "list-making" and "planning" as the first sign to sit for a moment and rest, trust and release it to my Father's hands. Would I never get to Overwhelmed??

I have even found this journey difficult when learning to rightly relate to food. What if I just ate when I was legitimately hungry and stopped when I was truly, physically "politely" full? What happens? I know this one; because in my battle against gluttony and food-lust, this as been the best cure: wait for the God-given clue of a growling stomach and stop when you are full. ...then wait for the growl again. Simple enough, right? For years, this has been my passport to freedom from food's domination. And yet, even here, I have other voices--- other hungers--- that call out and tell me to listen to them!

So, as I recover from my operation, I keep trying to figure out the "when" about this recovery (I want some rules please!)... when can I start to cook, to clean, to walk further and to sit for long periods of time? When should I do this or do that? And, then, my sweet husband reminds me that there is no formula. OH! how I like my formula and rules. There are only guidelines and my body to lead the way--- how ambiguous is that??!

So, I have to be aware of my heart and it's deceitful desires to trick me! And, I have to listen to those love gifts that my kind Father has given me and my body.

Me and my UNIQUE body... which is different than "hers", "his", ...yours. Don't we compare, too? ...which adds to the noise of those other voices.

I can listen to those first, God-given clues of tiredness, calculating, and hunger. ...and maybe I will avoid the exhaustion, the anxiety, and the gluttony. Now, that would be a sight to see!!

Help me, Father! Only You can teach me this. Make me truly aware of my heart, my lusts, and my shoulds. Make me aware of my body and how you have uniquely created it. Teach me and lead me forward in this, I ask.

Hunger Fed With Sin

We were made with God-sized thirst and hunger. Formed before the foundation of the earth, God planted in me a deep soul that longs and searches for God, the ever-deep One and all satisfying God.

Daily I long for His filling. Each and every day I need His sustenance. I need Him to feed me.

How often do I run to other things to quench my thirst? How often do I substitute shallow things, stupid things, empty things for the Only deep thing that will fill?

Last night, I attempted to fill that place with food. Food, of all things! The shallowness of food and the temporary nature of this "quencher"! I am embarrassed to write of it. I am embarrassed and grieved to testify to the gluttony that still plagues my mind, my soul and my body. Who will rescue me from this body of death! (Romans 7:24)

This past week I had noticed an increase in my lust for food. ...eating more at dinner than I needed. Just a little snack here, a little "this" there. I notice my "thinking" of Non-Verbal-Thoughts like, "man, this is good... It can't hurt to finish it off, even though I am not hungry for it!". ...or, "I deserve this break, this rest, this little 'something'".

And, sometimes this behavior comes with absolutely no real conscious thought... I just eat because it tastes good! My lust for flavor and food can drive me to eat without much thought at all. ...until, of course...

Well, until I realize I am doing it. ...I do know the good feeling of conviction. I do know the opportunity given by the Holy Spirit to flee.

I rebelled against the Spirit's nudges again and again this week. Each time, thinking... "it isn't really that big of deal." ...or,"this isn't good, I won't do it again!".

But I do do it again. And, I did over and over again this week. Small rebellions (if they can ever be small) at first and then a plunge right down into it at the end of the week. Why?

Patterns learned long ago. Feeling sad... eat. Feeling lonely... eat. Feeling happy ...eat. Feeling tired ...eat. Patterns.

...Hungers that are not even close to physical hungers, to be sure!

But, these patterns learned have been in the process of being broken and healed by the Lord Jesus. I have truly known freedom. I know what it means to take those feelings, those longings, those cravings and have them quenched by the River of Life. I know what it is like to listen to the kind nudges of the Spirit and to walk in the freedom the Son gives me.

So, today, I have another "Lent" lesson in my living room. My heart much acknowledges... and it does with deep grief ... that my gluttony, my lust and my rebellion were at least three of those stripes on His tender back. My Jesus took that blow for me.

When I have failed like this, my natural instinct is to punish myself. Or, to give up and dive in deeper to sin. Or, to make rules and regulations to "keep myself in check". But, not today. Today I take my heavy guilt filled heart and hand it to Jesus. I acknowledge what He did for me on that horrid cross. And, I must, I just MUST, take that cleansing freedom, forgiveness, healing and mercy He offers.

Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God--- through Jesus Christ our Lord! (Romans 7).

He is the Only One that will ever quench my God-sized hunger and thirst. So, I will drink from Him today and eat of His body. I will remember what He has done for me and proclaim His death until He returns. For He is the Only One who satisfies.

My sin is Respectable...

I sinned last night.

No, actually, I rebelled.

I didn't just "miss the mark" as I am prone to do daily, maybe even unaware. But, instead I chose sin. I rebelled. I knew that I shouldn't be doing what I chose to do... and yet, I did it anyway.

Afterward, I was sorry in the heart about it. But, actually this morning the repentance was deep and real. Sin and guilt (good guilt) are sickening and plague you until you deal with it head on.

My sin is not one the "biggies" you might say. It isn't in The Top Ten or one of the obvious very bad sins (if you could hear my voice you would detect a sarcastic tone) ... sexual immorality, drunkenness or blasphemy... no, no, my sin is more acceptable.

My sin choice at this stage in my Christian life is more a sin of the heart--- deeper, maybe darker even, than the outward sins of old.

We have acceptable sins or some people call it "respectable" sins in our Christian culture, don't we?

My sin is like this. I struggle with gluttony. I struggle with a lust for food... or a heart-emphasis on food. But, my gluttony is not three large pizzas, a pint of ice cream or a box of donuts. It is simply eating more than I need AND it is seeking comfort, pleasure or satisfaction in taste.

It sounds ugly, embarrassing and terrible even as I write it. But, I write it knowing full well I am not alone in this struggle. Even our mother, Eve, was tempted by the apple because "it looked good (pleasing to her eye)".

Was a gluttonous heart a small portion of why she fell?

Respectable sins... hmm. I still remember vividly when the Holy Spirit tapped me on the shoulder regarding my clothing choices. But, Lord, I don't dress any different than so-and-so in the church. I remember when He tapped me on the shoulder about worry... I would have called it concern then... or a prayer request (because that sounds nicer). He caught me, tapped me and showed me the mistrust, the doubt and the pride that goes hand-in-hand with worry. I remember when He showed me in a dream how damaging my words were to my husband. I was shocked by that one! But, Lord, the ladies in my bible study always talk to (or about) their husbands in this way. I still remember when He brought to my attention my lust for food... oh! just this piece of pie. I know I shouldn't, we say and laugh with each other, but why not?!

Respectable sins... hmmm. Cultural sins... Can I be so bold to say we have a few in our culture!? Emphasis on weight and fitness... Emphasis on busyness and importance.... Emphasis on comfort... Most of these we just nod with each other and dive in--- they are acceptable, unexamined, and destructive sins.

Not that I have the corner market on "what is" and "what isn't" a respectable sin--- for sure! I don't know what was in Eve's heart. I don't know my friends' heart. But, I am becoming aware of my own. I have asked God for this. I have asked God for a keen awareness of the sins in my life, my heart. And, He never fails to answer that one! He wants us to see. Why? Because He wants me to be free.

What I AM certain about: if I know I shouldn't be doing something and I do it... it is sin and not freedom. When I see my children rebel it scares me. It is such a difficult thing to watch them do something willfully. It is so hard to watch them choose something that they know is wrong.

What did Father think as He watched me last night? I rebelled last night. And this is grievous.

So, all I have left to do is fall upon the mercy of my Lord, claiming His blood as enough to cover even this rebellion. What else can I do? Where else can I go? All I have is His precious purchase of my salvation, His righteousness and His healing Presence.

"If there be ground for you to trust in your own righteousness, then, all that Christ did to purchase salvation, and all that God did to prepare the way for it is in vain." ~Johnathan Edwards

"For every look at self take ten looks at Christ." - Robert Murray M'Cheyne

So, I confess my sin. I agree with God that my heart was both gluttonous and rebellious. I renounce and reject the open door that I gave the devil with my sinful choice. And, I turn. I choose differently today with God's help. Today I choose to live "firmly bound and truly free". Bound to Christ and His perspective.

Some may read this and say I am being to hard on myself, or on my culture.

Am I being extreme? Maybe I am. I don't know. What I do know is the prodding hand of my kind Father as He leads me forward through my sinful patterns and teaches me freedom.

What I do know is that I rebelled last night and I don't want to do that again.

"It is a good thing to have a heart within us smiting us for sins that seem little; it is a sign that conscience is awake and tender, and will be the means of preventing greater sins". - Matthew Henry

Jumped on

Sometimes the words just jump off the page and slap you in the face.

I was jumped on by God's word this morning. This is one aspect of the Scriptures that I love, although the words jumping out at you are not always an easy slap. Today's slap hurt a bit.

"Produce fruit in keeping with repentance" were today's jumping words.

I often start my time before God in confession and repentance. After a time of worship and adoration it is good to bring before the Lord my heart and ask for His light to shine. This morning was no different. I was agreeing with the Lord in repentance this morning as His light shone brightly into my pride, my judgemental attitudes, my gluttony and my worry.

Certainly none of these sins are new to me. Unfortunately the list of sins is similar week to week and month to month. Oh, Lord have mercy! My heart cries out and I ask for His faithful love to cleanse me from all unrighteousness. He promises to do this and I can rely on Him as the Rock of my salvation (it is a beautiful thing I don't have to stand on me, or my works for my salvation!).

So, I truly received forgiveness once again for my crimes against Almighty God. What a gift we have in the blood of the Lamb, my brother, my Savior Jesus!

After a time of confession, I turned to my assigned reading and whammo! bam! off the page jumps these words... as God's heart speaks to my heart.

"Produce fruit in keeping with repentance". These words spoken by John the Baptist are directed at the Pharisees in Matthew 3. I am not a Pharisee. I am a child of the living God. I am forgiven and set free. So, what do these have to do with me? Everything.

I believe John was inviting to Pharisees to do something they simply could not do. They couldn't produce fruit!

When I repent from worry, I simply CAN NOT produce the fruit of peace that is "keeping with" my repentance. When I confess the sin of gluttony, I can not produce the fruit of self control that would be "in step" with my repentance. I can't make self-control happen in my life. Certainly there are things I can do to strengthen my faith, to exercise my will, and to work the "muscles" of right choices; but, I can not make myself joyful, peaceful or full of love instead of judgement.

The only One who produces good fruit is the Spirit of the living God. I have to rely on Him!

Abide in Him. Rest in Him. Rely on Him. In Him is Your salvation. Keep in step with the Spirit. Be filled with the Spirit.

From a Spirit-tree comes Spirit fruit... from a flesh tree- comes flesh fruit. I can not produce Spirit fruit. Only He can... the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience... and self-control.

John the Baptist mentions this as well in Matthew 3. He explains that the baptism he was offering was only repentance. But, One better was coming that would baptise them in the Spirit of God!

Repentance isn't enough. We repent all the time. We turn from our sins, we turn toward God... and then whoops... we turn back. And on goes the cycle. Have mercy on us, Lord. But, God offers us more than just repentance. He offers us fruit that keeps with our repentance. He offers us life and freedom. It is when I turn from my sins and then walk filled with Him where I find this life and freedom. This is where I find fruit in keeping with repentance.

It certainly doesn't mean try harder, Steph. It doesn't mean squeeze really hard and pop! out of your life fruit might emerge. No! It means surrender. It means keep Your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of Your faith. It means keep in step with the Spirit and rely on Him. Listen to His promptings and rest on His strength. This alone will produce fruit in keeping with your repentance, Steph.

Off the page, they jumped and slapped me in the face. What a gift!

Thank you, Lord for Your Word. Thank you Lord for Your faithful forgiveness. Thank you, Lord for the gift of Your Spirit. It is He that will lead me into all truth and righteousness. It is in Him I will find freedom and rest. Fill me today a fresh with Your Spirit and produce in me, O Holy Spirit of God, the fruit that is in keeping with my repentance. For Your glory alone, Father!

Escape Route

Sometimes I just feel like escaping.

I used to describe this feeling as wanting to "get into bed, pull the covers over my head and go to sleep for a very long time". I also use to describe this feeling as "getting on a bus and going to Chicago". (I truly have no idea why Chicago... but, Chicago it was!)

Now, I just call it what it is...escape. I want to run away. Run away from exhaustion. Run away from responsibilities. Run away from expectations and cares. I simply want to escape.

The feeling can creep up on me after a long, tiring day. Or the feeling can be "hanging around a lot lately" and become a bit of a new norm, depending on what I am facing. I have felt it creeping up these last few days. The feeling is here and now, the only real and important question that remains is to where do I escape!

My escape routes have varied through my life... some more damaging than others, to be sure! These days they are quite benign. Benign, that is, from an outside look.

I run to my husband. I run to cleaning and organizing craziness. I run to the television, a movie or a book. I run to a game on the computer. I run to the candy box or the Doritos bag.

But, these escapes are damaging my soul. I feel it. Of course, these places of escape are not sin in-and-of-themselves. Certainly my marriage, my television and the Doritos bag are not sin! It is when my heart worships them by escaping to them first, that they quickly become my sin of choice. They are my idols. From them I am seeking comfort, rest, and solace. To them I escape.

I know from experience that when I truly seek Him first, seek His kingdom and face first, seek His Presence and voice first...then and only then do I find true comfort, rest, and solace. I know from experience that He is truly the "one needful thing" (Luke 10).

So, why do I run to the others so quickly? Is it because they are easier? Is it because they "taste good" and are numbing? Is it because they are more natural to me, or trained in me? I don't know.

All I know is that the more I escape into the other things first, the more natural it becomes. It feels like "a must" to turn on a movie or go to the candy box... because recently that has been my first choice. I train myself to run to other things.

What I do know is that I want to learn to run to Him first.

I want to learn to sit at His feet and "choose the better" thing, as Mary did. He says to Martha that "this" sitting at His feet would not be taken from her. I want real comfort, real rest and real solace that will not be taken away... living water, lasting bread and wisdom from heaven. I know I can find this in seeking Him alone, ...first.

Teach me Holy Spirit to seek You first. Make me keenly aware when I am escaping to anything before I have escaped into You, my rock, my refuge, my strong tower.

I am an alien

My family and I just spent an hour walking the pier in Huntington Beach and I am exhausted. The tiredness isn't a physical one... but an emotional one. I am spiritually tired from one hour on Main Street. Why? What is it that makes me so exhausted in this setting?

I felt like an alien.

I felt totally out of place and tired after on hour.

Is it the noise? ...Noise for the ears and for the eyes. Is it the barrage of sights? Maybe it is because most of the sights, in fact, bring sadness to my soul as I look on. I am not sure.

I sit here now in my quiet living room and am reminded of something that Beth Moore said in a lesson this week... "We are not a culture very good at moderation". Is this what I was seeing?

It isn't just a person with one tattoo... he has covered his body with them. It isn't just a set of earrings or one piercing...she has covered her body. It isn't just a fit and healthy person,... it is someone who has obviously spent hours upon hours at the gym. Not just one place to buy shoes or shirts or sunglasses... but 20 different shops all with piles of new things to buy. It isn't just a pair of shorts to help with the heat, but shorts so short that we have an unwanted "show" as she walks in front of us. It isn't just a scoop of ice cream, but a mound of ice cream covered with syrups and sprinkles. It isn't just hand holding to show admiration and love, but full-on make out sessions for all to see. This is the barrage of sights that made me exhausted, I think.

What planet am I on? Who are these people and what is life like for them? I feel like an alien here. Truly. I am an alien and stranger. Am I totally alone in this feeling, I wonder. It isn't that I think tattoos, ice cream and shorts are wrong. Truly, I don't. But the excess is noise to my soul and I am tired.

Not that I am very good at moderation either. My excesses are just more easily hidden. I struggle with that "one" thought that I can't stop obsessing on... I struggle to stop at that handful of chips on my plate. Do I really need more? I struggle to enjoy that one handful of candy after dinner and find myself indulging. It is just gluttony. Do I really need one more pair of jeans? Do I really need to spend more time doing this or that... I could stop. Do I really need to plan (again) our schedule for tomorrow. Ahh... I need to learn to say, "that is enough for now".

Balance and Moderation. All to the glory of God. He says eat, drink and whatever you do can be done to His glory. I suppose if I grew in the area of moderation and balance, the sights and sounds of Huntington would be even more overwhelming. I guess when asking God to help me grow in this area, I am asking to become even more strange and alien-like. Am I okay with this?