The morning air was crisp and cool. My 9 year old son and I picked up the pace as we journeyed home from church, longing to get home, get lunch and get warm. We walked, hand-and-hand, snuggled as closely as our winter jackets would allow.
All of a sudden, he blurted out, “Mom, I don’t feel very well.”
He had just been playing with friends at church, so I was surprised and asked, “Oh! Are you feeling sick?”
“No”, he replied, “I am feeling… ....I don’t know.”
I paused and gave him some time to find his words.
Holding tight to my hand and just a tilt of his head, he looked up and said, “You know when you are just about to leave a place… you feel… you feel... I don’t know.”
Trying to help him, I suggested, “You feel unsettled?”
“Yeah, I guess so... No, not really unsettled. More… more leave-y”.
In that moment my boy created his own adjective: leavey
I asked him if it was a good feeling. He said, "No", It wasn't. And he pulled in tighter to my arm.
"Me, too, baby. Me, too." ...what else do you say?
Living overseas has been a tremendous blessing for our family. I simply can not count the spiritual, emotional, relational and physical gifts that have been poured out over us because of our calling overseas these past 10+ years. But, the truth still remains, it is hard to be constantly straddling two, or three worlds, isn't it?
There is no way around it--- it is just hard. Sometimes, it just stinks! And, although the benefits are immense, there is a cost.
So, we pack our bags this weekend and get on an airplane and fly "home" to stay for a few months. ...hating the long flights, my son is still contemplating the ins-and-outs of designing and inventing a "teleporter".
And, we feel all mixed up inside. From my daughter we have dancing glee one moment, literally--- and then sobs of grief the next. We want to go. We do. And, we desperately don't want to go. The emotions are running high in our home.
...leaving home to go home, and all that that means. It isn't easy.
What else do you say?
"The Lord has been our dwelling place" (Psalm 90:1) and "You will keep in perfect peace, he whose mind is steadfast on you." (Isaiah 26:3) ...come to mind.
"Anything that makes me long for God is a blessing. Anything that makes me desperate for Him, anything that brings me to the end of my own resources, my own strength, my own power, that's a good thing." ~Nancy Leigh DeMoss