Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #13 The Sky

The Sky

It reaches.

It covers beyond what I can see.

Beyond what I can even imagine

'Stretched out like a canopy'  

Dark, deep, high, vast

A space of stillness---

a moon, set in place

stars in their home.

Reality of movement, phases

Lifting and lowering.  

And dancing 

...so much dancing!

Stillness, yet so much motion. 

Clouds that shift and sway. 

Layers of profound stillness.  Layers of movement. 

Still one moment, swift the next. 

Colours and shadows

Depth and variety

A different portrait each day.

Moment after moment

It holds a welcome for all.

Welcome to gaze and behold!

Always the same and ever changing.

Simple; yet with complexities I can not comprehend.

Beyond what I can even imagine. 

It reaches.  It covers.

He 'spread it out like a tent'. 

It wraps us, a shelter and a wonder. 

"Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: who created all these?" Isaiah 40

Written July 2020

 

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #12 Mrs. Tree

 

Mrs. Tree

Old, rugged, worn. 

How long have you been there, Mrs. Tree?

You stand so tall, so very stable. 

As new growth climbs and entwines, 

encircling itself in and around you.

You seem untouched.  Firmly fixed.

What have you heard, Mrs. Tree? 

The comings and the goings of life.

The laughter, tears, cries and triumphs.

Building up all around you.

Breaking down, falls and rubble.

Days and years passing.

Have you felt the sadness? 

Or, rejoiced in the triumph?

Have you felt the frustrations?

Have you pondered or considered why?

How long have you watched as your friends, 

your neighbours are destroyed? 

What have you seen?

Generations come and go.

Littles run around your feet,

Aged rest in your shadow.

The young carve their hearts' intentions.

Who has noticed you?

Old and new.

Ancient and aged being replaced.

Yet, you remain still.

Years after years. 

What was, is no more. 

What is, will always be.

How many winds have run through your branches, 

How many rains have rustled your leaves, 

torn and tugged at you... made you dance?  

Do you worship while you sway?

Do you know the hands and mind that made you?

Do you 'laugh at the days to come'?

How long will you be there, Mrs. Tree?

My time will have come and long gone by, I am certain. 

Yet, there you are.  Old, worn and rough.

Steadfast and sturdy.

With 'strength and dignity'.

There you will be.  

Written July 2020

Proverbs 31

"For as the days of a tree, so will be the days of my people" Isaiah 65:22

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #11 Rubrics

 

Rubrics

Colour on a page

Do you know what it is? 

These easy going, even fun...  

Grace-filled criteria.

Rubrics in place.  

to judge

to know.

And, yet, 

Yet, even the colour is not bright

...enough.

Not muted enough. 

Not smooth

...enough.

Not well textured or blended...

...

My very existence

My every. moment. of. every. day

Not enough.

Falls short.

Do I know what it is?

A splash of colour on the page.

This day.

   This being.  

Me.

Written June 2020

Reminds me of this post I wrote in 2019

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #10 This Old House

 

This Old House

This old house---

Same old house

Same smells and sights.

Corners and walls

So familiar.

The wallpaper needs changing---updating.

No, actually, the foundation.

Pull up the floor boards!

Rot underneath. Rip them out!

Rebuild with lapis and turquoise.

A foundation laid and layered with faults and cracks

Burn it down!  

Start again!

Sounds of shifting sand echo and warn. 

This house will fall!

But, alas! the land is secure.

This rickety structure was built on a rock which is firm.

Faithful. Steadfast.  

Before the foundations of the earth, 

hesed was.  Hesed always is.

Yes! Mold and mildew may lurk deep within these old walls.

Disease lingers.  

Pour over with the cleansing water and ash.  

With hyssop, scarlet and cedarwood, 

Clean this old house!   

Written June 2020

Leviticus 14

Isaiah 54:11,12

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #9 How I See

 How I See

When did it begin?

This way of thinking

This way of seeing myself.

Like Lewis' green lady, I step

outside myself 

and I look. 

Rather than simple 'being', 

I become observer

I watch. I evaluate and I judge.

Unlike his lady, I don't like what I see

My gaze doesn't lift.

My mouth doesn't form in satisfaction.

Written June 2020

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #8 The Moon Again

 

The Moon Again

I watch for you each evening. 

Waiting and wondering.

Like a child longing for dessert,

When is dinner time over?  

How many peas must I eat first?

I anticipate. 

I wonder and wait...

when will the dark become 

dark enough!

Enough to reveal your glory.

Each night I see a different sight

A new shade and perspective. 

Light reflected, revealed, radiating. 

Or tonight... covered, shroud, hidden. 

Yesterday's dusk brought deep, dark clouds 

Across my vista, shadows swept thick with movement

Dense with a heaviness that slowed their race overhead.

Each step they took across the sky laboured.

I waited.  I watched. 

Wondering if I would see you when these dark ones parted.

As the clouds trudged through the murk of the evening sky

I wanted...

Willing just one glimpse... 

One quick view of your face. 

For I knew you were there.  

Even if hidden.

You are always there.

Positioned there long ago, 

you remain.  

Not yet shaken, always firm in place.  

I know you are there.

Now, I watch for you every evening.   

Written June 2020

...reminds me of this post from March 2012

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #7 "Sin"

Sin

There is a place I go 

to which looks so

 ..so different at night.

In the daylight it calls me. 

Sweetness on my tongue.

Cool and quiet. 

A place of rest. 

In my mind, on my way there, 

I feel the pull.  

The draw.

It always appears delight 

in my mind's eye---

As if by night, I have never visited. 

Each moment

Each venture seems the same

The draw

The journey

The rationale

The place. The taste.

And then...  the memory

Within memory is where the night time terror lives.

Dark and dank.

Rank and rotten.

Screaming shame.

'Even at night my heart instructs me'

This memory lane reveals the true nature of this place. 

Every. Single. Time.

An emptiness

which always leaves me wanting. 

Angry. Hurting.

Bitter and sour. 

Cold and alone.

No rest.

Indeed there is no rest for the 

wicked.  

Written May 2020

 

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #6 "The Moon"

 

The Moon

How many phases have passed in my 47 years?

Sliced and thin

Hung... tilted precariously on it's side. 

Nursery rhymes and children's books tug at my mind.  

Beauty revealed.

I feel wonder rise up.  

He moves and shifts upward. 

His head almost tilted.  

The veil pulled back only just so.

Will I see his eye?  

Tonight?  

Each episode new sights.

Each stage, a fresh wonder.

Half here tonight.  

Only half and yet so very brilliant!

Flanked by stars that feel so distant. 

He looks almost close. 

If I could only just reach out.  

Maybe... just maybe...  

Why is this the first time I've seen, 

or watched?  

Why is the first time I have waited to see his brilliance each night?  

Evening comes.  I will and urge the sky to be clear, 

longing for a sleepless vigil.

Tomorrow night, where will he be?  What state will I find his face?  

47 years

 I have never taken the time.  

I have never noticed, never seen, never watched and wondered.

  

Google tells me I have had 611 opportunities. 

Six hundred and eleven phases I have missed. 

Well, today I see.  Now.  I see. 

This chapter... turn the page... 

I will anticipate.  

 I will watch and wonder.  

I will let the joy linger.  

 I will crawl up on my Father's lap and let Him read this book.    

Will anyone join me?  

Written May 2020

 

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #5 "The Shoulds"

 

The Shoulds

Like Egyptian taskmasters of old, 

the 'shoulds' whip at my back and call me to attention.

Slaves don't rest. 

Only masters do.

What masters me?  What masters my heart?

What I ought to have done....

What I am compelled to do...  

What should I say...

Who I must be...

Heavy bricks, these laws weigh me down.

Bricks with no straw--- quotas unable to ever be met.

These 'shoulds', the load of responsibilities,

A perfect kind of slavery for this girl.

One crack of the whip and I run again---

weary, worried,

wondering when the job will finally be done.  

Written May 2020

                                                                              

                                                         

                   

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #4 "Introverts Cry"

 

Introverts Cry

Will I ever be able to go back?

My energy for others seems to have left. 

Will it ever return?

Weeks go by...

Will months pass, and I still feel the same way?

The desperate need to be alone. 

...to go away...

The cry of my heart for true quiet.

True solitude.

Why after so many days, so many hours, do I feel so exhausted?

Pushed.

Pulled.

Maybe I will never be able to go back.  

Written May 2020

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #3 "Meaning...full or less"

 

Meaning...less or full

One, two, three, four... seven days.

The ebb and flow of the days as they merge together into a week, 

Each day unique, but intertwined and to be joined.

One, two, ...

One day full of light and life. 

Eyes see.  Ears hear.

Hearts awake and connected.

Laughter and dance trickle through.

Then a shift.  A flow.  

Dark rushes into the next...

Two, three, four...

Light seems hard to find.

Blind or blank stares.

Fingernails on a chalkboard.

Distance and frustration.

The walls feel close.  The air thin.  

The boundaries unstable. 

The ebb of light. 

The flow of darkness.

Three, four, five

One day full, the next empty. 

How have I been, you ask?  

Seven days...

Conflux of emotions make one week.  

Can happy and sad live in the same week?  The very same day?  

Solomon called each day "hevel"

A vapour.  A breath.  

There is a time for everything... 

Highs and lows.  

One week recedes and retreats.

Swirls and surges. 

Intertwined.  Merging together...

One, two, three, four...

Written May 2020

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #2 "Conflict"

 

Conflict

It frightens me.

The rumblings below, 

The feelings of heat. 

Radiating, pulsing. 

Am I aware first?  

Or am I frightened by what may come?

Low tones, 

Eyes darkened, 

Brows tight. 

My whole body responds.

It frightens me.  

Tension and heat rise up

I want it to stop.  

Just stop. 

Cover it over. 

Run away and hide. 

Rumbling, quick, stilted, purposeful staccato words.  

Tears pool deep, well below my eyeline. 

Tension fills.

Heat rises in my neck.

It frightens me.  

Written May 2020

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #1 "To See and Hear"

 

To See and Hear

There are sounds and sights

I never did see.

Missed wisps, lost colour, 

All passed by with movement and noise.  

I paint these moments every day, He says. 

I ring these bells and sing this song each evening. 

So many. …no, most...

Most miss the wisps of colour, 

the sights and sounds of My love.  

May 2020

Enough

In this season of life, sleep is not always a given.  There are many mornings when I feel heavy and exhausted after the restless or sleepless night.  It had become a daily habit of mine to tell the family at the breakfast table how much sleep I had gotten...  "I only got 3 hours of sleep last night" ...longing for those around me to take part, sympathize, and understand.

It was only a few weeks ago that I had the thought... why am I keeping track?  What is the point?  Is it helping me in any way to know?

Brene Brown in her fabulous books often talks about a 'mentality of scarcity'.  We walk around struggling with the "not enough" feeling all day long.  Scarcity.  I am not enough... or I don't have enough.  Not thin enough.  Not smart enough.  Not tall enough.  Not funny enough.  Not enough time.  Not enough sleep.  Not enough energy.  Not enough fun.  Not enough money.

This 'not enough' mentality--- scarcity--- haunts us and follows us around throughout our days. But, it's a lie.  This way of thinking is absolutely false.

In contrast, we are told that we have "all we need for life and godliness"...  (2 Peter 1:3).  Scripture tells us that God gives us all we need...

It is false to say I don't have enough for life.  No!  In Christ, I truly have all I need!

"The way to slowly die is to believe you live in scarcity---not abundance" ~Ann Voskamp

According to Scripture, when we live in Christ, we live in abundance.  Abundance of grace. Abundance of strength.  Abundance of peace.  Abundance of life and light and truth...

So, I have decided to stop keeping track.

An older friend here told me she read an article that said it is helpful to not look at the clock when you wake up in the middle of the night.  The news article stated that it helps you fall asleep quicker if you don't know... or don't look.  I started there one night.  (and this was quite a discipline)

Now when I am tossing and turning... or wide awake... I just don't look.  I cover my clock with a book!  Why do I need to know?  It only brings trouble to my mind, it never helps.

I just stopped keeping track entirely.  I don't count.  I don't keep track and I don't tell my family how much sleep I got, or didn't get.  I actually don't know!

My goal in the morning, instead, is to swing my feet around, plant them firm on the ground and stand on the truth that I have enough.  For today.  For life and godliness, today, I have all I need.   In this, I can be very thankful for any and all sleep.  Slowly, I am trusting I got exactly what I need.  Jesus is my enough.  He has given me all I need today for life and for godliness...

Today, I had just enough sleep.  If, in fact, I didn't get much; then, He will give me enough energy for what He is calling me to today.  In Him, I have enough.

I speak to my soul...  Trust the Lord, Stephanie.  Trust that He is Your enough.  Trust that in Him you have abundance.  He has given you what you need.  And, indeed, He will give you what you need for today.  


------- This will be the last post for a few weeks, as I will be on the road.  

Unedited and re-posted from February 2017

Stop the Madness

I can get pretty locked up in my head.  My thoughts can be so busy, random, critical, and full-on.  Through the years, I have become more and more aware of this buzzing reality that can be my brain...  awareness has been key to freedom from it, for sure.

But, even attentiveness and practicing God's Presence, doesn't always stop the madness.  I can go from peaceful knowledge of God's now Presence and, in the blink of an eye, I find myself lost again in the fast paced brain buzzing.  Before I know it, I am locked in a cycle of hurried thinking--- way too much thinking and very unproductively.

I find that there are different ways or kinds of thought.  This cycle of buzzing is not helpful, it is harmful thought.  These busy, burdened and even berating thoughts are unproductive thinking.  They feel more like chaos than order.  They are filled with lies and falsehood instead of truth.  And, often they cause anxiety, as opposed to peace.  The enemies of my soul play a huge part in this battle---  the adversary and my flesh--- fighting against the love, joy, peace and patience of the Spirit.

I found myself in this very cycle this week.  It doesn't really matter the topic or topics of thought--- it is just that my mind is bursting with unproductive and busy thoughts.  Like Martha of old, I am "worried about a great many things". 

Psalm 84 caught my attention on Wednesday...  the whole of the Psalm.  But, also one particular phrase jumped at me with clarity.  "whose hearts are set on a pilgrimage...they go from strength to strength" (Psalm 84:5-7).  The Psalmists are talking about the Presence of God.  They are rejoicing in their experience of dwelling with Him--- or in Him, His temple. 

In this Psalm, the Sons of Korah, are sharing about the blessedness ('esher'=happiness) that is with those who remain and abide in God.  We know that, as His people, we are now His temple.  He dwells within us through His Spirit!  We, then, have this happiness always available to us.  We can abide in His love.  Always!

With the phrase "whose heart is set on pilgrimage" the Lord seemed to be reminding me that the direction I was pointed was important.  A pilgrim is going somewhere.  She is pointed in a very clear direction, with purpose in their journey.  I could feel the gentle rebuke of God's heart...  Where or to Whom is your heart, your mind and your soul pointed, Stephanie?  Where is your mind headed?  

In most cases, when my mind is buzzing with unproductive and unhelpful thought, I am most definitely pointed inward.  I am looking at me...  either in the negative, the positive, or just the practical... my eyes are downward or inward.  If I am not inwardly focused, I am focused just on my immediate earthly reality:  the very same "many things" that Martha was buzzing about.  I am headed in a circular race to get the next thing done, to fix this or that, only to start over again to fix the next thing and do this or figure out that.  It is a rat race in my head.  My own personal torture device!

The old adage comes to mind:  "Worry is like a rocking chair.  You move but go nowhere."

It is good to look up and out.  It is very good to stop--- to Sabbath ("to cease")---and look at Him.   It is not only good, it is essential and life giving.  I must stop the madness.  Just cease.  Just cease, sit, and ask myself, prayerfully, "What do you actually think?! What is true?"  In response to this question, I wrote in my journal today: I think and know He is---  and then followed it with all that He is---all that is True about my amazing God and Savior.

He is righteous.  He is good.  He is loving.  He is faithful.  He is covenant and steadfast.  He is wise.  He is aware.  He sees.  He knows.  He loves.  He judges rightly.  ... the list went on and on.

When I get locked in the hurried and heavy thinking of my running mind, this productive truth-thinking stabilizes me.  His truth---who He is, and who I am because of Him--- is an anchor for my soul and most definitely for my mind.  I can feel the order and equilibrium immediately.  This is indeed my "one needful thing" (Luke 10:42).  Every day.  Every moment of every day.

"You will keep in perfect peace all whose thoughts are fixed on You!" (Isaiah 26:3)

Open My Eyes, Lord

I woke up two mornings ago with pain and a very swollen eye.  No fun.  It looked like I had been in a fight and lost!  The quick jaunt to the optometrist confirmed that I have a few (significantly and deeply) blocked ducts with no apparent infection---at this point.   So warm compress... and a few weeks... and it all should clear up. 

Asking the Lord for insight into this, I feel led to pray...  Lord, unblock and release us from the things that keep us from seeing Truth.  Help me to see You, myself, and others truly.  Help us to see rightly, Father!  Open our eyes.   

I can see right now.  But, my vision is just slightly impaired by the swelling.  The pain makes me want to close my eyes and stop looking.  And, these ducts have been 'getting' blocked for weeks now---without my awareness and detection.  My eyes were affected and "off" kilter before I even knew it.

How else, Lord, am I seeing impaired? 

These prayers have prompted deep conviction in my own life.  I know there are ways I see the Lord... ways I see the world... ways I see myself and ...ways I see others... ways I see wrongly and off-kilter.  The eyes of my heart and my mind are blocked in some significant ways--as is true of us all.  I need His purification and release.  I need God's truth. I need Him to touch and heal those deep parts of me which are affecting my seeing---my heart-sight.

Scripture tells us to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.  The Word reminds us that fixed minds and hearts stayed on Him are at peace. When our hearts are steadfast on His Spirit and when we look at things that are of His Spirit, we will keep in step with the Spirit.  When we see rightly, we can walk rightly.  When we are facing or looking in the right direction, we will walk in the right direction.  Right?  Obviously!

So, today, I choose to settle into the reality of my blocked ducts.  I will use it as a prayer trigger until the Lord sees fit to take it away.  I pray for myself first... and then for those I love.... and then beyond.  That the eyes of our hearts would be given light and wisdom to understand more Truth about who God is and who we are in His love (Ephesians 1:17-19)  Would you join me in praying this, too?

Lord, let us see rightly!  

Strength and Wisdom from Sorrow

My daughter wrote a stunning piece of spoken word.  I would love for you to click on the link and listen to her reading it out...   The truth in these words blessed my heart in a profound way. I share it with you with deep joy.

Click here

Or...https://drive.google.com/file/d/16g6vYacHhssWLukJuJOcM3IUrg-TVUs8/view

The text of the spoken word: 

When you look into a woman’s face
What do you see?
Sorrow.
It’s always there - 
it’s what gives the waves to the ocean in her eyes,
The fire in the pit of her stomach,
The lines around her mouth,
and depth to her words. 

Have you ever sat at the feet of a truly fierce woman:
Wearing truths she taught you to know;
just waiting, for the next pearl of wisdom to fall from her lips.
They splash onto those around her like tears. 

Tears shed for the ruined and loved boy,
tears for the cherished and lost child,
tears for the battered and beautiful friend, 
And hot wet burning tears for her own failures in grace.

These precious pearls were made through 
the scratching of the sand of the world
That made wounds and scars on her heart.
That left their cutting mark, but were not felt in vain. 

The laughter in the eyes of a child should be cherished. 
Always.
for, the liquid sunlight dripping from their eyes will vanish in time.

But the laughter of a woman is stronger still. 
For she has seen the inside of the darkness
and chosen to turn her eyes back to the sun; 
Even when she does not believe in its existence.

The flower might close at night, but soon it will be morning
And with a choice of perseverance 
She will again lift her eyes. 

Sorrow is the hinge-pin, the centrepiece, of a woman's life.
It ties her to those around her with a triple woven tread. 
Its end is what grounds her, like an anchor in a storm.
She has seen this before. 
She knows: in time, a gleam will arise out of the bloodied mess of broken souls.

She stands
It’s a choice
She knows
And with love, She chooses to throw her heart back into the fray
In order to touch the child, seeing darkness for the first time,
The man waylaid and pushed to destruction,
The women abused night after night, 
The running family with bombs sounding still in their ears, 
And the quiet grief of a boy who has nothing left to give.

This is why we come to their feet.
This is why we trust them with our love.
Their eyes hold a well of sorrow and a smile of peace.
We know they can hold more, 
and still will choose to look up from the dark to the sun.

Don’t forget their sorrow,
don’t rush on into life without their hands
They have lived your future pain.

Young women, those just tasting the start of truth,
Do not be afraid.
Every warrior has her story.
Yes, you too will have yours.
But a battered heart is not a broken life.
It is only a woman more ready to love
Well,
Wisely, and

Always. 

Link also here: https://drive.google.com/file/d/16g6vYacHhssWLukJuJOcM3IUrg-TVUs8/view
 or here  https://bit.ly/30nTbNj

Let's Dance Again

You know that moment when you are smiling so much, your face starts to ache just a bit?

I felt the ache in my cheeks the other night.  I sat, smiled, and watched them with deep joy.

How many were they?  Thirty?  Forty kiddos?  Up on stage...  standing in-front of a room of 250---some proud parents, aunties and uncles, and many they would not know.   Most of the audience friendly strangers. These kids of all ages were singing and dancing with all their might!   They sang song after song about Jesus--- His love and grace, His faithfulness and goodness.  Loud voices.  Full attention.  They sang out with their whole hearts.  They gave it their all.

Each song had movements.  Each child did the movements with their "stamp"---their personality.  Some made quiet, small movements. Some kiddos made exaggerated and beautifully flamboyant moves.  Some had hands, legs, faces all in sync.  They were perfectly orchestrated with the music.  You might say these were "on fleek"!   Others---little ones and bigger ones--- hardly managed the choreographed movements at all... they just danced.  Smiles.  Jumping.  Swaying.  Shuffling their little feet.

They performed with joy and freedom and so much fun!  It was pure delight to behold.

While I watched, I had a recurring thought which became a prayer:  When do we loose this?  When did we loose this, Lord?

When does this dancing, jumping, laughing, smiling, singing get lost?  Why don't we do this anymore when we sing of You?  

I began to pray these questions... When did I loose this unhindered joy in moving my body and singing songs for you?  What hinders me in worshiping You like this, Lord?  

As I watched and prayed, everything in me wanted to jump on stage and sing along.  Dance along.  I wanted to join them!

I know the stories that many of these kids walk.  I am aware of pain in their journey.  I know they don't live perfect lives, or in perfect families.  But, still... still...  this night they brought their whole bodies, hearts, and minds on stage and performed with exuberance.

Most faces in the crowd smiled.  Even the older teenagers--- this freedom already lost for most of them--- sat and watched with cheek-aching grins.

Joy begets joy.  Worship begets worship!

Father, I want some of it back!  What I lost... whenever it was... I want to know this childlike faith and purity again.  I want to worship You with my whole body, my whole heart, and all of me.  Teach me to join them in song.  Today... and moving forward.  "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord" (Psalm 150:6).  

"They should praise Him with dancing, they should praise Him with tambourines and harps!"  (Psalm 149:3)

Sad is Okay, Too

I see it in your eyes.  I see the emotion.

All of me wants you to know, "It's really okay to be sad." I see it and I want you to express it.  Please don't hide it from me.

You really don't have to tell me "it's good".  I know.  You know.  We both know.  Of course, it will all be fine, it is good and God is good.  I know that you know this.  We both know this!

Instead, please, friend, just feel the sadness and the pain.  Can you let yourself acknowledge the suffering and the difficulty that is real---the difficulty of the now?

Tears come.  They well up and want to spill out.  I see them.  You feel them. I know you do.  I see your 'fight' turn on.  As tears begin to spill out of your eyes, I watch your embarrassment.  Is it shame? You wipe your eyes, you press your fingers over your nose, you push, you wipe, you press, you apologize... everything in you is trying to hold back the tsunami of tears.  The sadness is real.

Please, can you just let yourself have a moment?  Can you let yourself have an hour, a day... a month... and acknowledge that this hurts?

Why do we judge ourselves and our feelings?  We all do it.

God-given gifts---feelings.  Our feelings are not for judging--- they just are.  Feelings--- all of them---just are.  They are data points.  Why must we put them into a box.  Negative feelings vs. positive feelings.  Bad vs. good.  Why don't we just let them be a fact, for a moment?  I have blond hair and green eyes.  I am 5 foot 6 inches.  Facts.

I am sad.  I am angry.  I hurt right now.  I am scared.  Facts, just the same.

You speak too soon, I think, of the "good" or of the "truth"--- making every effort to make yourself "okay", or trying to make sure I am "okay" watching your pain.  I am okay.  And, sadness is okay, too?  Oh, how we all want to escape the pain, run away from the hard... or, at least, make you think something else of me.

I see it friend.  Please let the sadness have it's say.  I promise we will lean into the good a bit later.  We will rehearse truth further on...  I promise.

Happy and sad can live in the same place, at the same time.  But, I see the pain now.  I see it in your eyes. I welcome it.

Would you trust me with the tears?

His Third "Coat" of Paint on Me

I was hardly listening to the song.  The music and lyrics were just wafting in the background.  In one moment, though, one particular line jumped out and sang hope to my heart:  "There are victories yet to come.  They are certain as the rising of the sun!" (Matt Maher, Great is Your Faithfulness)

Victories.  Coming.  Certain and sure!  This does my heart such good to remember.  

God knows how utterly frustrated I am with the places in my life and heart that are still bent, broken, and in need of victory.  He knows the disappointment, resentment and anger I can feel at myself, at my sin.   

Yesterday, while praying for a particular long-standing "issue" of heart and sinful thinking, I had a clear picture in my mind.  Most of you know this last year I have taken up watercolor painting.  One of the MOST difficult disciplines that I struggle with in painting (aside from my desire to paint perfectly), is the time it takes to let it dry between stages.  You have to be really patient.  Almost all my "fails", hands down, in painting, thus far... have come from rushing the process or being impatient.  It really doesn't work to rush it.  You have to paint one layer, one “wash”--- and then let it dry completely.  In this humid climate, even more, this reality has brought much annoyance to my impatient self.  

The painting in each stage looks chaotic, messy, and the picture is very unclear.  It’s not very pretty--- sometimes not at all.  The end picture is barely discernible. 

Instinctively, I want to move on quickly, keep painting... make the chaos that is wash one or wash two, into something I can discern or make out.  I want to see it complete.  But, in all honesty, I almost ruin most of my paintings when I rush and move on too soon.  

This was the picture that came to my mind as I was asking Father about this particular issue of sin and pattern of wrong thinking in my life...  He showed me watercolor painting.  

Creative God... painting His masterpiece--- me (and you!)... is always at work.  He is faithful and says in His word, He will bring us to completion.  (Philippians 1:6)  He will bring us into perfection!  Scripture tells us we can be confident of this--- "as sure as the rising of the sun!"  But, in Philippians, He also clearly states that this completion happens in time.  The process works it's way out until the 'day of Christ Jesus'--- meaning when the Kingdom comes in it's fullness.  

He's is just on a second, third, or fourth layer of paint on me!

I want to be done.  I want to see it's completion.  All the things in me, in those I love, and in this world around me--- I want them perfect.  Yesterday, please!

But, be of good cheer, my friends!    I speak to my soul, "Be of good cheer, Stephanie!"  He is at work.  He is faithful.   He is good. If the good work has begun in you, then He will indeed bring it to completion.  It is certain and sure.  

"There are victories yet to come!  They are certain as the rising of the sun. Great is Your faithfulness---always and forever!" 



*the paintings above are not my paintings.... Just lovely wash art by others--- free online to use.  

Good Friday Struggle

I hate it.  I really do.  I absolutely hate the story of the cross.

Today is Good Friday.  Today is the day we celebrate a story that I absolutely hate.   What an oxymoron.

This story.  This true, true story--- it tears at my heart and pains me in ways I can't explain.

Each year, as the day approaches and I know the story will be read and retold, I can feel myself wanting to run away and hide.  Like a child, I want to cover my ears, stick my head under my pillow, and never hear the horrible story again.  I hate it.

This past Monday morning, I was stunned by my visceral response when I remembered this was Holy week.  No! I could feel the cringe in my body and soul.  No! I don't want to read that part of the story.  The very mention of the topic and I can feel the sorrow, the pain, the suffering, and the tears welling up.

We call this day "good".  And, with all my heart, I believe and I know it IS indeed good--- so very good.  But, also, I can barely stand it.

It feels like reliving trauma or painful memories of my past.  Why must we, Lord?! 

Friday morning---this morning---we all enter the sanctuary and take our comfy seats.  The pastor reads the story out of Mark.  The parishioner reads from the Gospel of John.  We sing some songs.  They tell the story and share the truth of that day.  All morning, I can barely stand it.  I want to weep.  I want to wail.  Everything in me wants to scream!  Why must I hear again what my best friend---the man I love with all my heart---went through!?  Honestly, hearing the trauma and suffering is almost too much.  Even as I type this... I barely have words.  The heaviness of heart feels profoundly weighty.

Forgive them, for they know not what they do.

These words haunt me today.  These words tag along at my back, touch my cheek, and whisper deep into my heart.  I know I don't have a clue what I do!  I don't even get it.  All my rebellion.  All my selfishness.  All my pride and self-loathing.  Forgive me, Lord, for I don't know what I do! 

I found myself in Romans 7 earlier this week, frustrated with myself and my faithlessness.  "I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do, I do not do.  But, what I hate, I do." (Romans 7:15)

I know that He pronounced it finished on that day.  He said it was finished that Good, very good, Friday.

For this, I am utterly undone.  My soul feels gratitude beyond words.  It is finished.  All my rebellion.  Covered, finished.  All my selfishness.  Finished and payed for.  All my pride and self-loathing.  Carried, covered, payed for, and finished.  

Forgive me, Lord, for I don't know what I do!  

This story.  This horrible story is the very center and foundation of all I know and all I absolutely need.  The result of that trauma--- my friend's horrific death and painful sacrifice---is the source of all that is good and right in my life.  All of it.

So, yes, I loath it... I really do.   I am grieving today.

But, I know and I remember, it very, very good.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.  For the joy set before him, he endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God"  (Hebrews 12:2)

Follow Me Into the Kitchen

These were my very thoughts today.  I offer this old post... re-posted...as a testimony of how we continue to learn the same things over and over again!  -----

I have had a particular image bouncing around in my head for a while now.   This picture came to my mind again today, as I was praying.  How do I describe what I see?

In my mind's eye I see Jesus walking into my kitchen and I am following Him.  I follow Him into the kitchen and watch Him pull up His long draping sleeve.  He dives His hands into my sink full of soapy water and dirty dishes. Dirty dishes.  Then, I follow Him.  I pull up my sleeves, dive my hands in and wash those dishes.   Together.  We finish the dishes and then He turns and walks into my hallway... headed for the closet---the vacuum cleaner.  I follow.  We vacuum.  Together.

Like two oxen plowing a field, we are yoked together.  Beautifully bound in unity, we work together as one. His strength making all compensation for my weaknesses.  His wisdom directing our work.   His Presence bringing Light and Joy and Peace.

Him and me.  Bound together because of His gift of grace and my choice to follow.

When Jesus physically walked the earth over 2000 years ago, He said, "Come and follow me".  And, they did.  James, John, Peter, and Thaddeus...  they followed Him.  They watched Him and did what He did, with Him.  They ate together and slept next to each other.  They walked and talked and did.  

Together.  Bound together because of His love and their desire to be with Him.

When Jesus physically left the earth, He reminded these friends--his followers--- that He would always be with them.  Always Present.  Always near.

Today, He reminds me.  Me, His friend, His follower... He reminds me that He is always with me.  He offers me Himself---His very Presence.

Come and follow me, Stephanie, He says to me today.

He invites you, too!  Follow Me into your kitchen, your schooling, your phone call and your errands.  I will be with you always! 

"As for me, the nearness of God is my good."  Psalm 73:28

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edited and re-posted from original post dated November 7, 2012