"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

Forgiveness

We are indeed fragile beings, aren't we?  

We are hurt so very easily.  Our bodies break.  Our minds are being bent.  Our emotions shift like shadows.  

Oh! How very vulnerable are our minds, our bodies and our hearts!  As the news unfolds, the tides of anger rises, anxiety rules and chaos seems to be the reigning voice of our times, my heart feels like it is breaking here and there and everywhere.  

From where I sit, I believe, this is the time for forgiveness and the Prince of peace to reign!  

In the last two weeks, I have heard three distinct stories of forgiveness.  In each beautiful case, forgiveness has brought such freedom!  ...A lifting felt physically ...a straightening of a bent mind... and a calming of the shifting flood of emotions.  The antidote is forgiveness.  

We all need it.  I need to be forgiven.  Every. single. day.  
And, I need to forgive.  Every. single. day.  

I was once asked to sum up "Marriage Advice" in one word.  My word:  forgiveness.  I would sum up all relationship advice with this one word:  forgiveness.  

In short, forgiveness is His amazing love in me and His love working it's way through me to another person.  

So... today, here is my offering to you...  a spiritual exercise I wrote a while back.  I have used it myself often.  I know others that have benefitted.  ...in fact, this practice (not the sheet of paper, but the activity), is how I generally live my every day life.  

...forgiving the grocery store clerk who was rude.  
...forgiving the friend who forgot to invite me.
...forgiving the stranger who made that comment.  
...forgiving my husband for not doing what he said he would.
...forgiving the one who should have been 'there' for me and isn't.  
...forgiving ... forgiving...  the horrific offenses, the big, the bad, the ugly, and the small offenses.  

May this practice bless your fragile being as it is protected by the Prince of Peace and His amazing forgiveness.  (FEEL FREE TO COPY AND PASTE AND PRINT IT OUT).  Or, send me an email and I'll send it to you as a PDF, happily.  

---------------------------------

·        Spiritual Exercise:  “Forgive”

·        Set aside at least 40 minutes for uninterrupted.  Sit in a quiet with your Bible, a piece of paper, and a pen. 

·        Start your time with a quiet prayer of surrender to God’s leading.  Ask His Spirit to guide and lead you. 

  • ·        Open your Bible and read Matthew 18: 21-35.  Read it two times through slowly.
  • ·        Close your eyes and ask the Lord, “Please show me who I need to forgive.”  What comes to mind?  Simply write down the name(s) that come to mind.  If there are more than one name, write down each name and leave space around it.  Later, you will be writing something else around and near the name. 
  • ·        Sit for a significant amount of time and prayerfully consider if you can willingly forgive these names.  If you are struggling with the whole list (more than one person), then focus on one at a time.  Ask God for help: Lord Jesus, by Your Spirit, help me to forgive.  Lord, forgive through me.
  • ·        When you feel ready to forgive at least one person on your list, then take some time and write down--- next to the name--- WHAT they did to you---as simple and succinct as you can.  (i.e. they ‘said ____’, they ‘did ____’, they ‘didn’t do’ ____…)  Do this with each person you are ready to forgive. 
  • ·        Now take a prayerful minute, ask the Lord to help you know how this action made you feel.  Ask the Lord to show you WHY it hurt.  How did their action hurt you or why was it wrong.  Write it down.  (i.e.  “it made me feel unloved”, “I felt vulnerable”, “I was afraid”).  [it can be very helpful to use a feeling list to help, just google "feeling words list"]
  • ·        After you have written the name, what they have done and how it impacted your heart, then pick up your paper and hold it out in front of you.  Show it to the Lord.  As you are holding it out, say (out loud if possible), Lord, do you see this? Father, You see what they have done and how it has hurt me.   Hold it there and ask again.  Sit with this for a moment. 
  • ·        Can you give this to God and lay it down?  If you can, literally, lay it down… on the floor, or the table.  Physically let go of it.  Pray.  You may say something like:  Lord, I give this to you.  It is yours to deal with… I had it over to you, Lord.  I choose to forgive and offer grace.    If you can pray this out loud, it can be very helpful.  [If you can do this with someone you trust as a witness that can be helpful, too.  They can say:  “I witness your forgiveness”]
  • ·        After some time, pick up the paper and, somewhere on the sheet, write out “Forgive one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
  • ·        Tell God that you forgive each one and what you are forgiving them for.  i.e. Lord, I forgive ____ for saying _____, OR, I forgive _____ for making me feel insignificant. 
  • ·         On each name, write “FORGIVEN” in big writing across the name.  
  • ·        Take a few minutes and pray “blessing” for each of these you have forgiven.  i.e. “Father, bless her with peace.”  “Father, I ask she would know you.”  “Bless him with repentance.” 
  • ·        Now, choose what you will do with this paper---some feel the need to keep it as a reminder.  Some feel the need to throw it out, to rip it up, or to burn it.  What do you need to do? 
  • ·        As you close your time, ask the Lord to help you to know His love and forgiveness for you and to give you grace to walk in this release.  Tell Him you intend to hand it to him again and again, if it comes up  in your mind/heart. 
  • ·        To strangle out any remaining anger toward a person, whenever you think of them, speak a prayer of blessing for them.  Blessing is the way Jesus gave us to walk in freedom from hate/bitterness. In the beginning they may come to mind A LOT, you will be blessing them many times a day!  But, it will lessen over time--- and you will feel free.  
 

·        Name              What they did                  How it made me feel                       Blessings for them

 

 


Thursday, June 17, 2021

Stumbling Words to Express


I grasp for words to describe the feelings.

I wander in my mind and wonder at how to express.

Knowing that with every word comes misunderstanding,  and yet...

I want to speak and show forth.

 

So intensely sad and disappointed and yet so calmed.

Perplexed and confused and yet keenly aware of being known and seen. 

Anger and frustration at my fingertips, yet an offering of belly-laughter alongside.

Will I wake up from this nightmare?  Or tonight know the peace of dreamless sleep?

 

My soul still hasn't caught up with my body.

Are we really still here, suffering with this reality?

Knowing that every day holds the potential for better or bad.

This world falling apart at the seams, tearing apart into fragments.

 

I grasp for words to communicate the Presence.

The depths of peace and hope and the undergirding Truth.

The Word that whispers sweet breath that I can almost smell and taste. 

I want to speak of the doubt and the drought and the faith and the filling. 

 

I need to speak forth, to be on display.

Me, us... him,   we... we are jars of cracking clay.

Glory poured in and itching to pour out. 

This glorious procession... me a member of the great band of witness... 

 

we are....

Weary and wonderful.

Beautiful and broken.

Downcast and lifted up.

Confused and cared for.... 


I grasp for words to express.


Wednesday, June 9, 2021

Just As He Said


His Word is such a gift to me!  Like daily meals, I take it in and expect it will nourish and feed.  

Some days the meal is just that---simple bread.  ...with thanksgiving, I read/eat, swallow and pray, and move about my day as it feeds me, with me hardly aware of it's inward working.  

Then, other days, it just tastes so so good.  His Word touches my mind and heart in a way that is 'bang' or 'wow'... so similar to that tasty bite of a really good burrito or a ripe strawberry.  

Then there are extra special days, when His Word jumps off the page and pierces me with precision and light.  …like those "wow" meals that stick with you...  A meal you might think about the next day, or even a meal you might recommend to others, will definitely cook again, and talk about at a dinner party or share with a friend.  

Today these words jumped off the page and sweetened my tongue:  "...they found things just as He said they would be" (Luke 22:13)

Just as He said.  

I had just finished journaling the phrase "the work of God is to believe [Jesus]" (John 6:29) and was struck again with the idea that we all, EVERY believer has the same job.  We all have the very same work in common.  Every day we need to believe Jesus.  That is our job.  That and "love Him with all our hearts, minds, souls and strength".  These are the main work points on our job description.  

…doctor, lawyer, brick layer, waitress, professor, cop, politician, artist, and teacher...  we ALL have one clear job:  love God and believe Jesus.  

The disciples believed Jesus when He told them that the exact place to celebrate the Passover meal would be given to them (Read Luke 22:7-13) and they found it 'just as He said it would be".    We can believe His words, follow His direction and He will come through. 

Following this lovely, delicious moment of His word I began thinking of the things He has told me... told us.  I began prayerfully wondering if I was believing Jesus today.....

I am going away now and am preparing a place for you and will come again...  (John 14:13)

If you abide in me, you will bear much fruit.  (John 15:8)

Peace, I give you.  My peace I give to you. (John 14:27)

I will be with you always, even until the end. (Matthew 28:20)

I will make my home within you.  (John 14:23)

You will have pain in this world (John 16:33)

Jesus has promised these things and so many more.  And, the full revelation of Scripture offers an overflowing bread-basket of abundant promises to the followers of God.   We have a feast of truth in which we can trust, believe and find our hope.  

He will come back.  He leaves me peace.  I will have pain in this world. He abides in me and will be with me to the end.   He has overcome the world and will make all things new and right.  I will be hated by the world.  I can not be separated from His love.  He began a good work in me and will bring it to completion.  He knows all things and works all things together for my good and His glory.  In the midst of pain, fire, storm, or flood, He is with me and I will not drown or burn.  

Today, I remember and I take You at Your Word, Lord Jesus.  

I will find things just as You said it would be.  

Just as You said.  

Saturday, June 5, 2021

Lament Response

It was deeply, dark-clouded and a fiercely windy day.  While walking, no... stomping..., my way up the green, muddy hill, I asked the Lord, "Are you really with me?"  

This day was just another day in a string of hard days... my husband lay ill in bed with Covid.  He still suffered and we were waiting, praying, hoping for sickness to leave.  Days on days... weeks getting lost into months.  This illness and it's horrible touch lived with us every moment of every day.  

I had ventured out into the rough weather to get some fresh air and stomp out my prayers, my grief, my frustration, and my pain.  Muddied, wet, tired and emotional, I had the passing thought:   I am with you always... 

With you always, Stephanie...

With irritation and despairing tone, face upturned to the dark clouds, I shot back...  "Are you really with me? Really!?  Right here, now?  Are you really with me?"  

Lament is not my forte.  It is not something I normally do... nor have felt comfortable doing most of my Christian life.  My personality and my upbringing have not encouraged emotional outbursts, to be sure.  But, it seemed lately, that without lament...  with out this ever-increasing honesty with my Jesus...  I would run dry.   It seemed necessary and right and very good.  In these days, lament had become my doorway, my window, ...my deep well which accessed living water.   I was thirsty and God was teaching me to tell Him how very thirsty I was.  Oh!  How very thirsty I am!   

So, stomping up the hill, my face lifted, my honest response to the whispered Scripture, "I am with you always"... was tear filled retort.  Really, Lord?!  Are you really with me?  

Like a flash, I had His response.  Instantaneously, I heard one clear word quietly whispered to my heart...  Within.  

I am within you, Stephanie.  

Like lightening, the flash of truth filled me with the ever living water and it was another piece of manna.  Food for my days, for the weeks to come... for the days that would turn into months. 
Whatever would come, I felt my courage rise.  My faith was filled with His Presence and I knew...  

I am always within you, Stephanie.   

So much closer than with... even closer than walking alongside...  My Jesus is within me.    His Spirit lives and abides IN me.  Closer than my very breath.  

Paul tells us in Ephesians that Jesus makes "his home within us".  Jesus, Himself, tells us His Spirit abides with us and within us... (John 14)   I believe we spend too much time looking up and out for Him... seeking Him outside of ourselves... seeking Him in the skies (where He also dwells, just to be clear!)  We need to remember that He is within.  

Jesus said in John 16:5-16:  "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. In a little while the world will see Me no more, but you will see Me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will know that I am in My Father, and you are in Me, and I am in you….If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word. My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him."

His home is within us.  And, all fullness of life and joy and peace lives in Him.  If we are lacking, He is not.  He will give to those who lack.  Do you need wisdom?  Ask Him... He is full of it and He lives in you.  Fullness of wisdom abides in you... abide in Him!  Do you need patience?  or love?  Or do you need joy today?  Ask Him, He is full of it... and He lives in you.  

I walked home that day... that dark, pounding day with a full heart.  I was full of Him and His truth.  He responded to my lament.  His loved welled up and filled my heart and mind with more of Himself.  

The difficult days continued onward... days turned into weeks.  Weeks fell away to months...  In fact, as I write this, we still live with the reality of this horrible illness.  We've stopped counting time passed.  But still ...and still...  that piece of manna ---within----feeds me.  

Just to be clear, I don't hear from His Spirit these type of "words" often--- this is why I call it manna.  Or, better yet, I should call it a feast.  He feeds me manna from the Bible and I collect what I can for each day.  His Scripture is my daily bread.  These special moments--- these flash moments ---are like a feast day.  

Even when I don't feel it... I can remember the taste of the feast.  I know it to be true.  

He is within me always, even until the end of the age.  


Thursday, June 3, 2021

My Ballast

After a whirlwind, messy, upsetting dream filled with too many faces, too many needs, so many things to do and all while needing a shower and in my pyjamas for all to see... dreams are a funny things...  I woke up in a rough state of mind.  

Heart pounding, heavy laden and a hot mess...  I made my way down to my 'quiet time' space in the early morning hours.  As usual, I started my time by opening and playing "Pray as You Go".  Barely listening, the cob webs of faces and mouths that needed feeding began to clear away from my mind...  The dream waves began to slowly subside.  But, still, I began to think about the worries----the 'shoulds' and 'musts' and 'oughts'--- that had been pulling at me the past days.  Obviously, this dream was a good picture of the tugging of needs and my inability and struggle to get it all done.  

As my mind was tossed about by the litany of concern, I could feel my irritation and frustration mounting.  'Just leave me alone' was the feeling (is there one word for this 'feeling')!  I could feel my heart lament and the complaining beginning to rise.  Lord, I can't make everyone happy!  Father, I can't hold it all or feed them all or make them all right.  Maybe like my dear compatriot Elijah, I was basically saying... "I've had enough, Lord.  I am all alone here and these expectations just wanna kill me!" (big-time paraphrase from 1 Kings 19)  

Psalms of complaint and lament were welling up in my heart and waves were beginning to crash again 

...and then... in the background, the lovely voice on the Pray as You Go (oh! yeah... it had been playing the whole time while I ignored it) says, "If there is something that is a concern or a weight, maybe you want to ask the Holy Spirit to give you a different perspective".

A different perspective.  

Stephanie, can you ask Me for My perspective?  

Yes, Lord, I want Your perspective...  Please show me what is true and how to see this differently.  

Instantly, as I prayed, I could feel a slight shift.  One bite of manna and I was fed.  He answered and I was seeing just a bit differently.  It was like light shaft opened over my heart and brain and there was more balance and calm.  I was able to see the 'shoulds' that had been annoying me in a totally different light.  I began to see differently.   It was today's miracle!  

It was like my boat was thrown off kilter and the Holy Spirit was the ballast that brought me stability and centered me.   When I asked, He balanced me.  What a gift.  (Ballast is material that is used to provide stability to a boat.  Insufficiently ballasted boats tend to tip or heel excessively in high winds.)

On the heels of seeing a bit more clearly, I had two thoughts... 
   
First, how does anyone live life without the gift of God's Spirit bringing truth to their minds and hearts?  What a gift, Lord

And, then the second thought, ...oh! oh, man! I live my life all the time without the gift of God's Spirit bringing truth!  How often do I bounce around my day in a hot mess and heavy laden?  Lord, I need to do this even more!

Lord, help me to ask You for help more often.  Father, help me to abide in Your love, Your Presence and the gift of Your truth.  Spirit of God, thank you that you long to 'right me' and be my ballast.  I want to ask You more.  Teach me to pray!  

He offers us Himself as our ballast.  He offers Himself as my moment-by-moment answer to any whirlwind or hot mess I find myself in---awake or asleep.    

Tuesday, May 25, 2021

Buzzin Brain


Does your brain ever buzz with busy thoughts and details?  

My brain has been on super-charge this week...  as my youngest made his decision to fly further afield and pursue his master's degree in a different country.  Exciting!  So exciting.  Yes, and a bit maddening... the details, O the details!   

He doesn't need our help, of course.  But, we want to contribute and provide companionship in this big move!  So... this mamma-heart considers everything from transportation to toilet paper,  his housing and our hotel, transportation and taxes,  beds and banking, and...  well, a host of other things that need to happen as we go.  

With buzzing comes worry.  Or, with me, it does.  There is very little calm when my brain is a buzzin'.  

This morning, coming to God and His word, I was touched so gently by a passage in Matthew.   In Matthew 14 Jesus miraculously feeds 5,000 men.  In Matthew 15, the disciples witness Him feed 4,000 men.  Then in Matthew 16: 5-12, the disciples think Jesus is upset with them because they forgot to bring bread with them on their journey.  Jesus says,  

"You of little faith, why are you talking among yourselves about having no bread? Do you still not understand? Don’t you remember the five loaves for the five thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? Or the seven loaves for the four thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? How is it you don’t understand that I was not talking to you about bread?"

In short, ...Jesus says...  How are we really still talking about bread!?   He reminds them that they have just seen two massive miracles where 9,000 men (plus!) were given enough bread AND left-overs.  

...for Jesus bread is really, really not a problem! 

My heart was so stirred by this passage...  And, I sensed a loving rebuke.  A tender hearted... You-of-little-faith-moment.  Stephanie, are we really still talking and worrying about bread? Do you still not understand?  Just tell me what you need and let's move on.  This is not hard for Me!  

How often God tells His people "Do not forget!"... and O! how often we forget!  Right!?  

My life has been filled with an abundance of transportation and toilet paper miracles.  He has provided for me over and over again.  Houses, hotels, refrigerators and rental cars.  In fact, in one of my very first posts here on Koodaigirl...  Microwaves on a Thousand Hills I wrote about the abundance of sheets---bed sheets and cookie sheets and the microwave that just showed up at our door.  Oh!  How easily I forget.  I am only slightly embarrassed that this was 2009 and here I am, learning the same lessons.  

So, today, when the details come lashing against my peace-filled brain... I choose to remember.  In fact, you might just overhear me walking around the house saying, "I have seen Him feed 9,000 mouths!" to remind myself.  

We can choose to remember.  

I choose to remember today and "forget not all His benefits"  (Psalm 103).   These moments of remember may just keep this buzzin' brain at bay.  


Thursday, March 4, 2021

Hope Springs


Hope Springs 

I look outside and I wonder if I have lost them all

Vines, plants, bushes tended and laboured over with love, 

Life seems utterly sucked out of them. 

Wind battered, frost bit, brittle they look back at me with pale face. 

Look again, my child.  

I hear the Gardener's quiet whisper. 

Do you see the green?  

I lean close.  I search and look with my pale face and aging eyes. 

Just barely.   Ever so slight, I see the smallest green bud appearing.

Amidst the woody, lost-looking bits, I see life. 

Can these dry bones live?  He whispers

My heart yields, 'Only You know, Lord!?'  

Later, as if a reminder, the song wafts through my speakers.  

This soul-singer speaks of his furrowed, torn-open-heart. 

My heart nods an emphathic "yes" in recognition. 

I, too, feel a bit battered and worn.   

Ripped holes makes space for seed, he sings. 

Will what looks so-very-dead rise again?  

Do you see the green?  I hear the whisper, again. 

I look and see this smallest spark of life and I will hope.  


"Our Lord has written the promise of resurrection, not in books alone, 

but in every leaf in springtime"

~ Martin Luther



Andrew Peterson's The Sower's Song 


Friday, February 19, 2021

How are you, you ask...

How Are you, you ask...

There are swirls deep inside

Emotions lash and tug 

Lifting and lowering 

I don't understand.

Maybe understanding isn't the point.  

Like the wind today, from which way does it blow? 

It propels leaves up and brings trees down

I don't understand.  

Maybe understanding isn't the point. 

How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?  

Saturday, February 13, 2021

I Protest

I was listening to Sara Groves, "Why It Matters", this morning... 

And... I had an epiphany.  


Funny word... epiphany.  Sounds so BIG or so WOW.  But, actually, it usually comes very quietly and very softly.  It's an awakening.  It's simple awareness.  While listening to this ode to creativity written by Sara Groves twenty years ago, I became keenly aware of why I blog, why I paint, ...maybe why I live my every single day.  I guess that is big-awareness!

I wrote Why I Blog in August, 2011...  ten years ago.  In that post, I explore my need and desire to connect and be known.  This was why I started blogging.  This need and hunger to be known is still in me, of course.  But, I am realising that through the years, my motivation and reason for blogging is different now.  Or, at least, 'added to'.  Yes, I want you to know me and I need a place to process what God is doing in my life.  But, NOW...  I find that my blog is a bit of a protest.  

Yep, a place of protest.  

In my small way, in this very small place...  I protest.   I protest the darkness and hopelessness that seems to invade our every day lives with songs and sounds of death, destruction, and theft.  I long to speak life, creation, and generosity.  

I protest the idea that Christians are stupid/silly, ignorant, bigoted, and hypocritical.  I long to speak of wisdom and truth.  I want to write about the true things that invade my life.  I long to speak of where I see the truest things--- beauty, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and sacrificial love--- invading the world all around me.  I protest with my desire to be authentic and vulnerable here.  I want to share struggle and pain and triumph and ambiguity--- all of which are the reality of most of the Christians I know.   I don't have all the answers at all!  I have a journey to walk.  I protest with my offerings of my own journey into being loved and loving others with Christ's unfailing, unbounded love.  

Am I sometimes very stupid/silly?  Ignorant? Bigoted? and Hypocritical… yes, of course!  We all are.  You are, too.  But, you and I are SO SO much more than that.  And, certainly that is not even close to ALL that I am.   So, I protest to these labels over me and over the thousands of Christians world wide--- spread far across cultures, denominations, generations, and this beautiful globe.  

I protest.   

I protest the idea that music, art, and writing must always be perfect like a photo, or always moody and dark, or only ever filled with happiness.   I protest!  I want to write about the real things.  My blog is full of questions, wrestling, dark frustrations, light moments, and bold truths that I still struggle to fully live out.   Our lives, ...our real lives... are so multi coloured! 

I protest that small things don't matter.  I protest that only things that ----cost much, or are 'liked much', or are 'celebrated' or are held up and noted---  that only these things matter.  This small place.  This very small life.  My life.  And, yours... they matter.  

I believe it matters that when I smiled yesterday on my walk... making every effort to pass by each individual, look them in the eyes, and smile.  I believe that THAT matters.  It certainly mattered to me.  And, I believe that it matters to them.  Their small lives. 

Because, I know that each life is small.  ...even the celebrated ones.  But, each life, each and every single life matters!  I believe that each one of us was created on purpose inside our mother's womb.  You.  Me.  Every.  One.  

So, I protest here.  

Like Sara Groves sings--- thank you Sara for again singing my soul----  "tell me of the beauty of the beauty...  speak to me until I understand...  like a rampart for the soul... like a single cup of water...  why it matters!"  

I want to be known, yes. 

But, I also want to speak of the beauty of the beauty.  I want to offer you, my friends, my sister, my brother, ...and those I do not know that read here...  I offer you this single cup of water:  

God is so very, very good.  He is powerful and knows all.  God is faithful.  His love endures forever.  He is love.  He acts in love.  His very nature is love.  His justice is love.  His justice is right and righteous.  He is active and alive.  He offers peace.  He gives us all we need for joy.  He speaks and wants to speak to His people.  He is making and continues to make...   

May these words be a cup of water for your soul today. 

Let us, my friends... add to the beauty and offer a small cup of water to each other!!  

Thursday, February 11, 2021

Little by Little

There are still so many things in my life that are simply not right.  Things I think... things I do... ways--- deep ways--- I walk through life.  Wrong thoughts.  Wrong actions.  Wrong motivations.   

Just simply wrong.  

I feel grieved by this, of course.  As I look at myself I see with sober judgment the ways that I fall short.  

I woke up last week angry with myself.  The accusations--- much of it accurate, in truth--- were heavy and strong.  It is hard to put words to the feelings raging in the night.  Rage, I guess, is a good word.  

Feeling this anger, I decided to remain curious about it.   (It is good when the counsel I give to others comes back to me.  ...'doctor heal thyself, comes to mind!')  

Prayerfully, I asked the Lord what was under the anger.  Using the good-ol tool, the Anger Iceberg, I ask the Lord to show me what was underneath my anger toward myself.  I have used this tool many times in my anger toward others.  But, this was the first time I had used it with myself.  It was SO helpful.  

The list was long!  Words like frustration, disappointment, disgust were right there.  As were embarrassed, guilt, and exhausted.  But, so were fear and worry...  

As I sat with these words and saw what was underneath--- I could feel the intense anger subsiding.  

I prayed through each word and stayed curious about each feeling as the "data point" that it is....  (feelings are simply data points for what is going on in our souls).  

I told the Lord that, honestly, the anger felt powerful.  ...helpful, even.  ...productive.  If I am angry at myself, then I will not think or do these things.  Right?!  Oh! that 'parenting by shame and anger' that always backfires!  

I heard a still small voice in response to this honesty...  Stephanie, love is more powerful. 

Love is more powerful!  

After the feelings of anger were quieted... and I could deal with the real substance underneath.  I asked God if He shared any of these feelings towards me.  Each word--- one by one.  ...that was a very revealing prayer conversation.  

He brought to mind many scriptures... many thoughts and I continue to pray for His thoughts over me.  He reminded me of His Hesed love --- unfailing and unconditional.  Powerful love.  Love that brings healing and repentance and grace.  He reminded me of His wisdom, He knows the beginning from the end--- His continued work in my life to bring me to completion (an 'in process' reality).

And, then, He reminded me of Exodus 23:29,30....  where He tells the Israelites that He is giving the land to them 'little by little'.  

I will not drive [the enemies] out before you in a single year; otherwise the land would become desolate and wild animals would multiply against you. Little by little I will drive them out ahead of you, until you become fruitful and possess the land.

In His wisdom, He knew that His people were not ready to take the whole land---  He knew that they were only 'big enough' to take possession of the land in parts.  This verse was like a balm to my soul.  

These 'enemies'--- my wrong thinking, my struggles, my frustrations, my imperfections, my sin--- are being driven from 'my land' little by little.  In the Lord's kindness and love, He knows just how much of my 'land' (my very self... my soul) I can possess.  I am just not quite big enough in Him, in His love, in His power to have conquered it all yet!   Every day, I am growing... but...  I am just not there yet.  

My prayer at that point shifted dramatically... thanking Him for the ground and lands we have won!  Thanking Him for the years and years of victory in my life.  Asking Him for more ground--- more soul-land--- that would be His!!  May He make me fat with Him... big, grand, fruitful, and able to 'possess' in His name and by His Spirit the whole of myself.  

In Genesis and in Exodus, God promised that the land was theirs---  Already theirs--- by His powerful hand and covenant.  The land was theirs and yet, still needed 'taking'.  God Almighty is on-the-job of possessing all the land-o-Stephanie.  At the cross, Jesus has conquered this land and I am His. Conquered and 'His'... and currently being conquered.  May He have His way!  

Yes, Lord, there are still so many things in my life that are wrong.  Little by little, Lord, destroy these ways of thinking, these attitudes and actions!  I want to be wholly Yours---  fully alive and fully free in You.  



Thursday, February 4, 2021

Unfinished Beauty

It always starts with a vision of beauty. 

Something strikes me as beautiful and I want to paint it!  

In my mind's eye, I can always envision the breath-taking 'could be' and I dive in...  sketching, laying it out, choosing the colours.  

Step by step, I paint.  

Every single time I paint, I am aware of how my skills fall so very short of my vision.  What is so remarkable in Creation... that cloud, those colours, that shade...  it never quite matches or lives up to the beauty that I desire to represent.  

                                    But... still.  Step by step, I paint.  

As I have been painting now a few short years, I have learned that patience is a key ingredient.  Grace, also is needed...  where there is a wrong stroke or a wrong colour...  grace and creativity are needed to compensate and shift.  

God reminds me today that I am His masterpiece...  his 'poema' (Greek word in Ephesians 2:10).  His poem!  He is writing, and painting, and creating me continuously.  

Just as I sketch with a vision--- so He sees Stephanie as she will be, should be, ...is.  He starts with a sketch.  His ways are perfect.  His skills masterful.  His ways good.

Just as I paint this bit, then that bit, waiting, ...layering and adding.  Shading and shifting.  Taking mistakes and turning them with my brush into purposeful strokes...  So, He is constantly "completing His good work in me" (Philippians 1:6)  


These paintings of mine... they aren't done yet.  So much can be added to or 'fixed' or tweaked... 

I am not done yet.  

I am not done yet.  Or, shall I say... He is not done with me yet!

He is not done painting.  The story is not over.  The poem is not complete.  He still has much colour to add, much shading to do... 

I am reminded that He always starts with a vision of beauty.   Knit together in my mother's womb, on purpose, I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  All my days planned, known, and shaped by His love.  (Psalm 139). 

You, too.  He sees.  He is shading.  He is working.  He is painting. 

Every. Single. One of us.  

His poema.  His masterpiece.  His loved, beloved creation.  

Lean in and let Him have His way.  Tell Him you want Him to continue to make you a thing of beauty.  

It always begins with a vision of beauty!  

Wednesday, January 27, 2021

Dirty, dirty world

Dirty, dirty world

Oh dear!  

My shoes, Lord!?!  

Do you see?  

I'm sorry, Father.  


I only went out walking... 

The mud today was very deep. 

And, now, Lord... 

Do you see? 


My boots are covered in muck. 

Mud lingering up my leg. 

Dirty, heavy, drowned in sludge

What shall I do?  


Easily cleaned, you say?

Stand still a moment.

Simple water will do the trick.

Cold, uncomfortable, but easy to clean.


Thank you Father!

Cleanse my muddy boots.

Wash away the muck of today's world.

Wash my hands, my feet, and my head, too!


"Jesus answered, A person who has had a bath need only to wash his feet"   John 13:10


Friday, January 22, 2021

Go Looking For It!

I live in a country where it rains a lot.  I mean... it seriously rains...  a ...lot.    

An awful lot!

Growing up in California, where it is daily 75 degrees and sunny, this can still be hard for me from time to time.  

One thing I have learned in these 10+ years in this rainy land is---that with rain comes the opportunity for a rainbow!  One never knows when it will come...  but, with rain comes the hope.   Without rain, rainbows aren't even a possibility!  

I have a funny habit that has developed over the years.  When it starts to rain, I go looking for the rainbow.  Today, instinctively, when the downpour started, I ran to front window and then to the back window--- feeling like a child looking for Santa's sleigh in the sky.  

At the back window, I could feel my heart drop just a bit.  I was disappointed when no rainbow was found.  But, ...then I had this inclination...  this whisper in my heart...  Just wait a minute.  

So, I waited.  A minute...  such a short time.  But, it took effort.  Waiting is not easy for any of us.  

Then it appeared.

The waited for...  it appeared.  My rainbow.  It felt personal.  Such a beautiful result of rain.  

My rainbow!

This rainbow doesn't distract from the reality that with rain comes mud--- oh! so much yuck, muck and mud.  With rain comes mould, mildew, sickness, slippery walk ways and bone-chilling-cold--- oh! such deep cold.  The rainbow doesn't take away from the 'yuck' that comes with so much rain.  

The beauty found in any moment doesn't lessen the pain.  But it adds to...  It adds some joy to the equation.  The equation now includes breath-taking, moving, dramatic skies, sound of rushing and pelting water, and green fields that stay green all year round.   Reality is balanced by these moments of joy.  

One small moment.  

I could have missed it, if I hadn't gone looking for it.  

Looking.  And waiting.  I waited in hope.  

It's been a 'rainy' year--- this 2020, hasn't it?  And, 2021...  is deep in muck and mud.  Our nightly news is bone-chilling with no end in sight.  

Join me in looking for the shadows in the skies as an artist might look.  Look for the green fields of strength and endurance in each other.  Listen for the sounds of life amidst the pain.   They are there.  I promise.  

Promise.  

Let's look--- hope and wait for the rainbows.  We have no promise they will come today. But, we can always hunt for them.  Hunt and look with me, today, will you?  


------

Yep... I have written on this topic A LOT!  Here...  and here...   I guess it's still impacting me today.  Nothing new under the sun--- especially rainbows!

Monday, January 18, 2021

The Waiting Deposit

 


There is a sadness that sits in the silence

as I go looking for you.

I wait and wonder, 

where I am and where you are.


What I know to be true and feel in these moments

are far from each other.

So, I wait and wonder, 

when you will come, when I will feel you.


Deeper still, I listen hard and sit long

I sense your Presence.

I wait and I wonder...


A well of truth and love that fills

the depths of my soul.

I wait and wonder...


This recessed deposit reminds me

a future that will come. 

I wait and I wonder...


Sunken deep, a guarantee

my spirit tastes and sees.

So, I wait and I wonder, 

where I am and when you will come.  




"The Spirit is God’s deposit guaranteeing that he will give us the inheritance he promised 

and that he has purchased us to be his own people. 

He did this so we would praise and glorify him."  Ephesians 1:14

 

"It is God who enables us, along with you, to stand firm for Christ.  

He set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts 

as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come."  2 Corinthians 1:21-22


Monday, January 11, 2021

Old Habits

 


There are things we learn to do, ...to say, ...to think

To cope when we are young.

Habits of thought that bring comfort

Actions that blanket a sad heart

Activities that wrap around loneliness  


As we age, these habits become second nature 

Knee-jerk and natural responses.

They have grown up with us like friends from childhood.

But, they are incongruous and ill-fitting

They pinch and push against our maturity.


What once promised a cover of warmth, 

Now delivers cold realities

A heart revealed and a soul needing more. 

What we can do... what we do do...

Not always beneficial or constructive, Paul says.


My old habits are tattered and worn, warped and torn.

Old and in poor condition, full of holes.

I still try them on from time to time.  

Each and every time, I find them lacking.  

Dusty with years of stench... yep, the bin is where they belong.



"Throw off that which so easily entangles you!" (Hebrews 12:1)


Monday, December 21, 2020

LAST Sabbatical Reflection: Words on a Page #36 I Remember


 I Remember...  
...words taken and reworked almost directly from Ezekiel 16...

The clear image has stolen into my mind
Day and night, without bidding.
A waking dream. I remember. 

I see her...feeling so very old at 15,
But truly so, so very young.
Insecure. Lost. Sad. Scared. 

I remember the days of my youth,
I know where I came from, 
where you found me. 

I know the state I was in---
The pain, the confusion.
Where I was heading.

You found me, 
born from lines of sin and treachery.
Bloodied with misuse.

Uncared for. Unseen.
Tossed aside and neglected.
You found me naked, unaware of my shame.

Tenderly, you brought me close.
With your hesed, you bathed me.
You washed me clean. 

You clothed me with fine linen.
Adorned me with beauty and wealth.
You fed me with choice foods.

You poured abundance.
You poured blessing on my head.
You established an everlasting covenant.

You offered yourself to me, 
Covered me with your garments.
You called me your own.

I belong to you!
I am yours.
You are mine.

With joy and with peace
You fill my days.
Your love is better than life.



Written November 2020

...words taken and reworked almost directly from Ezekiel 16..


Ezekiel 16:3-14 
"...I bathed you with water and washed the blood from you and put ointments on you. I clothed you with an embroidered dress and put sandals of fine leather on you. I dressed you in fine linen and covered you with costly garments. I adorned you with jewellery: I put bracelets on your arms and a necklace around your neck..."


Written November 2020


Friday, December 18, 2020

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #35 Farmers Words


 The Farmer's Words

Something is always wrong with the sheep, 
the farmer says with disdainful tone.
Their feet, their bums, ever lost or caught.
Would never make it on their own.

Funny that He calls me sheep,
Rumbles of laughter fill my soul.
My body, my will, often lost or caught.
My freedom is found in His control. 

Something is always wrong with this sheep.
This truth sits like a wisdom crown.
My shepherd, my farmer, my gardener, my friend.
Watched by Him, I'm safely found.  


Written November 2020

Wednesday, December 16, 2020

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #34 Painting Clouds


 Painting Clouds

I simply can't paint you. 
I try and I struggle. 
But you will not be held or captured. 
I can not pin you down.

Your splendour and majesty.
Your brilliance of colour and depth.
Your movement and grace.
Your diversity and changeability.

I cannot capture you with my brush.
An argument I will never win.
A venture that has no end.
Wrestling Leviathan or a fight with the sea.

I try.  I struggle.
I attempt new techniques. 
New colours and strokes.
I shift and shade.

My skills are lacking, to be sure.
Yet, I am convinced that even if...
If I had the skills of the masters, 
I could never paint you.

Vangough's brilliant use of colour, 
his light and shadows...
He failed to paint you.  
To paint you truly. 

You have been painted already.
Made, altered, mastered...
by the Master, Himself. 
He that pulls the great beast with a hook.

He that wrestles the waves.
He that says, thus far and no more!
He has painted you perfectly.
Displayed His magnificent skills!



November 2020


Monday, December 14, 2020

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #33 The Power of Words


 Power of Words

A simple phrase
spoken with a smile.

Said with kindness, 
words slam into my chest.

My balance is lost,
Rocked and off kilter.

Spoken shockwaves, 
I tilt and sway.

Sickness rises from the deep,
Said once, now a mantra.

Words swirl and surround,
running and racing in my mind.

Dizzy and disoriented,
I feel the shift.

I fight to keep stable.
Just stay still!

I pull at my heart,
tug it back into place.

Find my equilibrium again. 
I whisper truth to my soul.

It was just a simple phrase...
It was such a sweet smile...



Written November 2020

Friday, December 11, 2020

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #32 Rambler


 Rambler

She called him a rambler.
Defined by his adventures, 
he rambles his way through
valley, field and mountain pass.

He walks, she explained.
He walks often... for fun, she laughed.
He rambles, she said again, 
willing me to understand.

Words bounce in my head and I wonder, 
As I walk the hills,
one muddy step after another, 
I ponder the words as they run through my head.

Am I a rambler?
It may not be Tryfan or Pen y fan, 
It certainly will never be Everest.
The Himalayas are not my cup of tea!

But, indeed, I ramble.
I ramble through this life.
I traverse and trek through peeks and passes.
Making my way through forest and fields.

I would not have chosen this life, 
this adventure and ramble 
of body, soul and mind.
But, I am grateful for the vistas.

I am deeply thankful for the sounds
I am in wonder for all I have seen.
Excited about the whispers of what is to come.
Yes, indeed!  I call me a rambler.



Written October 2020

Wednesday, December 9, 2020

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #31 Tree Symphony


 Tree Symphony

Sounds like rolling laughter
The trees shout and rejoice.
They dance and sing, 
wild movements inspired
by wind and worship.
One high note rings, 
One low bass resounds.
The symphony of celebration
surrounds and engulfs.
Enchanted and uplifted,
I raise my voice.
I lift my hands.
I join the song and the dance! 



"Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them;
Let all the trees of the forest sing for joy! Let all creation rejoice!"
Psalms 96:12



Written October 2020

Monday, December 7, 2020

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page#20 Hidden


 Hidden

The tide rolls in and covers.
Boulders and stones lay beneath.
Hidden. Unseen.

Beneath movement and thick deep
Cities and stadiums of structure stand.
Hidden. Unseen.

Give it time!  The tide will shift again.
These rocks and foundations will be revealed
Opened and on display.




"For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, 
and nothing concealed that will not be known
and brought out into the open."
Luke 8:17

Hallelujah and Praise Him for His mercy and unfailing love.  
Hesed  ×—ֶסֶד‎!  



Written October 2020


Reminds me of this post from 2009

Friday, December 4, 2020

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #29 Peace


 Peace

Coins spilling out of a purse, 
over-filled and bursting.

An inheritance is mine,
more wealth than Solomon himself.

And yet, I walk often without shoes,
without my coat that keeps me warm.

Riches beyond reason,
legacy that surpasses understanding.

I have been given peace,
As a birthright, it is mine!

Enduring endowment to fill,
Reality to guard and satisfy.

Today, I will accept the ring, 
wrap myself in the robe.

Today, I will lean in and receive,
I will rest my head and lay on that pillow.

I will walk in the given gift,
Take a long needed nap on the boat. 



Written October 2020


"Peace I leave with you.  My peace I give you..." (John 14:17)

Mark 4:38-39
Philippians 4:7




Wednesday, December 2, 2020

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #28 Perfect Redefined


 Perfect Redefined

Nature doesn't move in a linear fashion.
There is nothing neat and tidy
found on the forest floor.
Leaves don't fall into a pile.
Random, scattered, multi coloured
Thrown, tossed---a tumble of here and there.
Grass doesn't grow in a straight line.
Wild, untamed, high and low
The curves and the turns have no pattern.
Trees don't stretch out straight.
Jut out, jagged, jostled about
Flaws and faults the norm.  
The path ahead twists and turns.
Rocks strewn left and right
This plant, that tree, this vine or weed.
Nature let's her hair down.
Flowing freely whipped by wind.
 Dishevelment is earth's standard.
Creation is not clean, pristine, or scrubbed.
Seemingly random, wonderfully creative! 
Variety and diversity esteemed.
Beauty found in blemish.
Peace amidst mess.
Charm and comfort in chaos and colour. 
Isn't the woodland wonder just perfect?
The wild, wind blown grass just perfect?
The twisted trees draped over the path...
Absolutely perfectly perfect!



Written October 2020