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In this case it wasn't from a blog post, it was a *good* conversation that sent me internally puking. I am reeling from a very real conversation and a "revealing" of some of my darkest yuck. I shared my true self and now I feel the regret. It still happens... regularly, these hang-overs---as I push into vulnerability and explore gut-honesty with myself and others.
I chose it---and by God's grace, I will continue to choose it. But, now I am feeling the consequences. So, I re-post this blog entry from November, 2012, because I could easily have written it today.
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"A vulnerability hangover" is what author and researcher, Brene' Brown calls it...
I have never been drunk. So, I have never actually had a proper hangover; therefore, I can't say I know what one feels like. But, I am guessing it isn't very comfortable! I have heard a few stories and seen my share of instances. So, I gather from the puking, purging and pounding-head that a hangover is never a positive things.
A vulnerability hangover isn't fun either.
Too much vulnerability... and you are destined for a sickening hangover!
Let's just say that each time I write a particularly vulnerable blog post---write something deep, hard, or ugly--- I experience the incredible urge to purge!
Within 2 hours of writing and "publishing" my post, I have this desire to go online and delete the post immediately. Thoughts like: "Too much", "too raw", "too weak"... pour over my mind. If I resist the urge to "purge" the post, I then want to "purge" the blog... "I just need to stop blogging". "This is stupid". "People don't want to read and hear this..."
And, if I resist the urge to delete my blog; then, the final 'hangover' symptom is to write a "nice" post.
There are nicer posts, right? Posts that are true and right and encouraging. I like those posts, too. There are blog posts---still honest and real posts---about God's blessings, His gifts, His peace and His Word. But, after I share one of my "I cried" or "I am in pain" posts--- I desperately want to get on quickly and write a "nice" post. This last vulnerability-hangover-urge is an attempt to let you all know, "I am okay." With a "nice" post, I assure you (and me) that "I am not in pain all the time".
I have resisted urge #1, and #2. So, I am officially saying it now---without writing a "nice" post...
Readers, I am okay!
Did I need to say that? I don't know. But, the gut-wrenching urge within me was to communicate to you, my friends and readers, that I am not "the sick person", "the weak person", or "the messy person". When the fact of the matter is... I am.
Why do I feel the deepest urge to write "I am okay... don't worry about me"? Or, elsewhere--- other times in my life---why do I need to back away and tell you, "Please don't be bothered about me!"?
I am pretty sure it is because at some point in my life (probably more than one point!), I believed the lie that I am supposed to be perfect. I am supposed to be "okay". Not weak. Not in-process. Not a bother. And, certainly, not messy.
Well, the truth is... I really am okay. I am well. And, happy. And, at peace today.
But, it is also truth that I am a bit messy, too!! Both. And.
But, none-the-less, vulnerability and weakness are hard for me. I talked to the Lord about this today--- can I just delete that post or this blog, Lord? ... I felt prompted to keep on sharing, keep on posting, and keep on getting drunk on vulnerability. Courage to share weakness is one cure to perfectionism!
And, so I "drink" the healthy carrot-orange-alka selzer juice concoction of this blog post to bring a little healing to my hangover!
That said, right about now I am feeling a bit over-vulnerable---tipsy, you might say----so give me about 4 hours and I will be sick with my vulnerability hangover from this post...
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Maybe I will write soon about the blessings, growth and strength that have come with deep honesty and, the pushing into, vulnerability. The benefits are innumerable and priceless, to be sure. Maybe I will share... but, today, I am just reeling a bit.
