"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Escape Route

Sometimes I just feel like escaping.

I used to describe this feeling as wanting to "get into bed, pull the covers over my head and go to sleep for a very long time". I also use to describe this feeling as "getting on a bus and going to Chicago". (I truly have no idea why Chicago... but, Chicago it was!)

Now, I just call it what it is...escape. I want to run away. Run away from exhaustion. Run away from responsibilities. Run away from expectations and cares. I simply want to escape.

The feeling can creep up on me after a long, tiring day. Or the feeling can be "hanging around a lot lately" and become a bit of a new norm, depending on what I am facing. I have felt it creeping up these last few days. The feeling is here and now, the only real and important question that remains is to where do I escape!

My escape routes have varied through my life... some more damaging than others, to be sure! These days they are quite benign. Benign, that is, from an outside look.

I run to my husband. I run to cleaning and organizing craziness. I run to the television, a movie or a book. I run to a game on the computer. I run to the candy box or the Doritos bag.

But, these escapes are damaging my soul. I feel it. Of course, these places of escape are not sin in-and-of-themselves. Certainly my marriage, my television and the Doritos bag are not sin! It is when my heart worships them by escaping to them first, that they quickly become my sin of choice. They are my idols. From them I am seeking comfort, rest, and solace. To them I escape.

I know from experience that when I truly seek Him first, seek His kingdom and face first, seek His Presence and voice first...then and only then do I find true comfort, rest, and solace. I know from experience that He is truly the "one needful thing" (Luke 10).

So, why do I run to the others so quickly? Is it because they are easier? Is it because they "taste good" and are numbing? Is it because they are more natural to me, or trained in me? I don't know.

All I know is that the more I escape into the other things first, the more natural it becomes. It feels like "a must" to turn on a movie or go to the candy box... because recently that has been my first choice. I train myself to run to other things.

What I do know is that I want to learn to run to Him first.

I want to learn to sit at His feet and "choose the better" thing, as Mary did. He says to Martha that "this" sitting at His feet would not be taken from her. I want real comfort, real rest and real solace that will not be taken away... living water, lasting bread and wisdom from heaven. I know I can find this in seeking Him alone, ...first.

Teach me Holy Spirit to seek You first. Make me keenly aware when I am escaping to anything before I have escaped into You, my rock, my refuge, my strong tower.

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