"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

My sin is Respectable...

I sinned last night.

No, actually, I rebelled.

I didn't just "miss the mark" as I am prone to do daily, maybe even unaware. But, instead I chose sin. I rebelled. I knew that I shouldn't be doing what I chose to do... and yet, I did it anyway.

Afterward, I was sorry in the heart about it. But, actually this morning the repentance was deep and real. Sin and guilt (good guilt) are sickening and plague you until you deal with it head on.

My sin is not one the "biggies" you might say. It isn't in The Top Ten or one of the obvious very bad sins (if you could hear my voice you would detect a sarcastic tone) ... sexual immorality, drunkenness or blasphemy... no, no, my sin is more acceptable.

My sin choice at this stage in my Christian life is more a sin of the heart--- deeper, maybe darker even, than the outward sins of old.

We have acceptable sins or some people call it "respectable" sins in our Christian culture, don't we?

My sin is like this. I struggle with gluttony. I struggle with a lust for food... or a heart-emphasis on food. But, my gluttony is not three large pizzas, a pint of ice cream or a box of donuts. It is simply eating more than I need AND it is seeking comfort, pleasure or satisfaction in taste.

It sounds ugly, embarrassing and terrible even as I write it. But, I write it knowing full well I am not alone in this struggle. Even our mother, Eve, was tempted by the apple because "it looked good (pleasing to her eye)".

Was a gluttonous heart a small portion of why she fell?

Respectable sins... hmm. I still remember vividly when the Holy Spirit tapped me on the shoulder regarding my clothing choices.
But, Lord, I don't dress any different than so-and-so in the church. I remember when He tapped me on the shoulder about worry... I would have called it concern then... or a prayer request (because that sounds nicer). He caught me, tapped me and showed me the mistrust, the doubt and the pride that goes hand-in-hand with worry. I remember when He showed me in a dream how damaging my words were to my husband. I was shocked by that one! But, Lord, the ladies in my bible study always talk to (or about) their husbands in this way. I still remember when He brought to my attention my lust for food... oh! just this piece of pie. I know I shouldn't, we say and laugh with each other, but why not?!

Respectable sins... hmmm. Cultural sins... Can I be so bold to say we have a few in our culture!? Emphasis on weight and fitness... Emphasis on busyness and importance.... Emphasis on comfort... Most of these we just nod with each other and dive in--- they are acceptable, unexamined, and destructive sins.

Not that I have the corner market on "what is" and "what isn't" a respectable sin--- for sure! I don't know what was in Eve's heart. I don't know my friends' heart. But, I am becoming aware of my own. I have asked God for this. I have asked God for a keen awareness of the sins in my life, my heart. And, He never fails to answer that one! He wants us to see. Why? Because He wants me to be free.

What I AM certain about: if I know I shouldn't be doing something and I do it... it is sin and not freedom. When I see my children rebel it scares me. It is such a difficult thing to watch them do something willfully. It is so hard to watch them choose something that they know is wrong.

What did Father think as He watched me last night? I rebelled last night. And this is grievous.

So, all I have left to do is fall upon the mercy of my Lord, claiming His blood as enough to cover even this rebellion. What else can I do? Where else can I go? All I have is His precious purchase of my salvation, His righteousness and His healing Presence.
"If there be ground for you to trust in your own righteousness, then, all that Christ did to purchase salvation, and all that God did to prepare the way for it is in vain." ~Johnathan Edwards
"For every look at self take ten looks at Christ." - Robert Murray M'Cheyne

So, I confess my sin. I agree with God that my heart was both gluttonous and rebellious. I renounce and reject the open door that I gave the devil with my sinful choice. And, I turn. I choose differently today with God's help. Today I choose to live "firmly bound and truly free". Bound to Christ and His perspective.

Some may read this and say I am being to hard on myself, or on my culture.

Am I being extreme? Maybe I am. I don't know. What I do know is the prodding hand of my kind Father as He leads me forward through my sinful patterns and teaches me freedom.

What I do know is that I rebelled last night and I don't want to do that again.

"It is a good thing to have a heart within us smiting us for sins that seem little; it is a sign that conscience is awake and tender, and will be the means of preventing greater sins". - Matthew Henry
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