"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Journey of a Control Freak

I am such a control freak. Seriously, though. I am.

Most of the time I am sly in my controlling behaviors. Once in a while I am an out-and-out, in your face, control freak.

Yesterday, the out-and-out control freak girl reared her ugly head! Yesterday I was determined to control our departure date and all the details that surround it. In this pursuit, I was instantly angry with anyone who got "in my way". Of course, the most natural "someone" in this circumstance is my husband and I was angry at him.

The whole day I felt the tug of conviction.
From my good, kind Heavenly Father, I felt the pull of "come, sit with me..." and yet... I basically ignored it.

I planned. I schemed. I researched. I plotted. ...This scenario and that scenario.

This was all done in the guise (or is there a bit of pure motive here?) of making all things work together for the good of those I love. Oh, but my heart was in control! I was going to figure it out. I was going to come up with the best plan possible.

And then, my husband crossed me. How dare he disagree with my grand, divine and perfect plans?! He dared to ask me if he could have a bit of a "say" in our decisions. How dare him! And, so I got angry. A knee jerk, internal, intense angry. At that point I wasn't really aware of what was going on in my heart. I wasn't aware that I was holding tightly. I wasn't aware that I was determined to control our destiny. I just simply thought he was wrong.

Then came the still small voice whispering into my heart, my soul, my mind... "surrender", it said. "Submit", it hearkened. "Stop. Be still and know that I am God".

I heard it, finally. I had to stop. I had to listen to this sweet call from my Father. I actually bowed my head and told Him He was God and that He was in control, not me. I opened my hands, literally, and "gave" to Him all my plans, all my dates, my schemes and my good things.

Instantly I knew His peace again.

I knew He was good... somewhere deep, far and wide in my soul I knew that He was big. I knew He was loving and that He would work all things together for my good, one whom He loves dearly. I found peace once again. Release. Faith. Hope. Peace.

And, then, of course, came sincere repentance and an apology to my husband. As always, he forgave me. Amazing, really. Quick, ready and love-filled forgiveness. Truly, amazing.

Ah! Father, this control freak has so much to learn. Teach me. Thank you for being in control and having all the answers. Thank you that I can hand it all to you. You have good plans and I can trust You. Thank you, Lord.

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