"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Monday, August 9, 2010

Really, Lord?

Really? "Really, Lord?"... my soul sighed as I heard the third piece of devastating and difficult news today.

No tears have come. Not yet. Just a deep sadness sits in my gut. And a rumbling of emotion making its way up to the brink of overflow. My eyes begin to fill, my heart hurts ... And, then... well, then it is time to make lunch. Or, laundry to be done. Right?

Really, Lord? My heart says to my Father today. Not angry. Confused, yes. Overwhelmed, I guess. Frustrated? ... okay, maybe angry, too. I don't know.

But, certainly sad. I am sad. And, I want these "notices" of suffering to stop. Enough already!!

Was it enough to have my teenage friend struggle with a serious long term illness? Was it enough to hear about my little 6 year old friend diagnosed with leukemia?? Was it enough to hear about the baby that was born and didn't live through the night? No, now it was a martyr. A friend. CNN has a list and her name is on it. But, she isn't just a name to be sad over... sad enough as it is. She was my friend. She slept in my house and ate my scrambled eggs.

It is hard to understand how to grieve rightly. ...or what to feel. ...or what to say. ...or what can you do? ...

And, then to see God's hand amidst the pain makes it even more confusing. Yes, Father, already I have seen the provisions, the faithfulness, Your presence... and from my heart moments of worship have welled up from my deep. Already I can point to answers of prayer. But, why the pain, Father? It is hard to worship You and at the same time watch the pain and suffering. To see the pain and suffering right along side the provision is hard for my mind. It feels too complex. I don't know whether to be angry and confused with You, Father, or to worship and thank You... both are readily available.

So, I guess I will do both. As Job did... I will worship and I will question. I will raise my hands in praise and thanksgiving. I will place my hand over my mouth and I will cry in frustration.

For I know that You know where every lightening bolt will go, you know where the water will flow and you tell it when to start and stop... You know every day of our lives.

You know my teen friend, my 6 year old friend, my young mother-friend, and my martyred friend. You know them by name. You saw them rise out of bed and You have gone before them and are behind them. I know this all too well ..and I am sad, Lord. I don't get it. I am frustrated and yet, strangely led to worship, as well. I have seen, already, the provision... Your faithfulness, Your strength, and Your peace.
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