His Third "Coat" of Paint on Me

I was hardly listening to the song.  The music and lyrics were just wafting in the background.  In one moment, though, one particular line jumped out and sang hope to my heart:  "There are victories yet to come.  They are certain as the rising of the sun!" (Matt Maher, Great is Your Faithfulness)

Victories.  Coming.  Certain and sure!  This does my heart such good to remember.  

God knows how utterly frustrated I am with the places in my life and heart that are still bent, broken, and in need of victory.  He knows the disappointment, resentment and anger I can feel at myself, at my sin.   

Yesterday, while praying for a particular long-standing "issue" of heart and sinful thinking, I had a clear picture in my mind.  Most of you know this last year I have taken up watercolor painting.  One of the MOST difficult disciplines that I struggle with in painting (aside from my desire to paint perfectly), is the time it takes to let it dry between stages.  You have to be really patient.  Almost all my "fails", hands down, in painting, thus far... have come from rushing the process or being impatient.  It really doesn't work to rush it.  You have to paint one layer, one “wash”--- and then let it dry completely.  In this humid climate, even more, this reality has brought much annoyance to my impatient self.  

The painting in each stage looks chaotic, messy, and the picture is very unclear.  It’s not very pretty--- sometimes not at all.  The end picture is barely discernible. 

Instinctively, I want to move on quickly, keep painting... make the chaos that is wash one or wash two, into something I can discern or make out.  I want to see it complete.  But, in all honesty, I almost ruin most of my paintings when I rush and move on too soon.  

This was the picture that came to my mind as I was asking Father about this particular issue of sin and pattern of wrong thinking in my life...  He showed me watercolor painting.  

Creative God... painting His masterpiece--- me (and you!)... is always at work.  He is faithful and says in His word, He will bring us to completion.  (Philippians 1:6)  He will bring us into perfection!  Scripture tells us we can be confident of this--- "as sure as the rising of the sun!"  But, in Philippians, He also clearly states that this completion happens in time.  The process works it's way out until the 'day of Christ Jesus'--- meaning when the Kingdom comes in it's fullness.  

He's is just on a second, third, or fourth layer of paint on me!

I want to be done.  I want to see it's completion.  All the things in me, in those I love, and in this world around me--- I want them perfect.  Yesterday, please!

But, be of good cheer, my friends!    I speak to my soul, "Be of good cheer, Stephanie!"  He is at work.  He is faithful.   He is good. If the good work has begun in you, then He will indeed bring it to completion.  It is certain and sure.  

"There are victories yet to come!  They are certain as the rising of the sun. Great is Your faithfulness---always and forever!" 



*the paintings above are not my paintings.... Just lovely wash art by others--- free online to use.  

Good Friday Struggle

I hate it.  I really do.  I absolutely hate the story of the cross.

Today is Good Friday.  Today is the day we celebrate a story that I absolutely hate.   What an oxymoron.

This story.  This true, true story--- it tears at my heart and pains me in ways I can't explain.

Each year, as the day approaches and I know the story will be read and retold, I can feel myself wanting to run away and hide.  Like a child, I want to cover my ears, stick my head under my pillow, and never hear the horrible story again.  I hate it.

This past Monday morning, I was stunned by my visceral response when I remembered this was Holy week.  No! I could feel the cringe in my body and soul.  No! I don't want to read that part of the story.  The very mention of the topic and I can feel the sorrow, the pain, the suffering, and the tears welling up.

We call this day "good".  And, with all my heart, I believe and I know it IS indeed good--- so very good.  But, also, I can barely stand it.

It feels like reliving trauma or painful memories of my past.  Why must we, Lord?! 

Friday morning---this morning---we all enter the sanctuary and take our comfy seats.  The pastor reads the story out of Mark.  The parishioner reads from the Gospel of John.  We sing some songs.  They tell the story and share the truth of that day.  All morning, I can barely stand it.  I want to weep.  I want to wail.  Everything in me wants to scream!  Why must I hear again what my best friend---the man I love with all my heart---went through!?  Honestly, hearing the trauma and suffering is almost too much.  Even as I type this... I barely have words.  The heaviness of heart feels profoundly weighty.

Forgive them, for they know not what they do.

These words haunt me today.  These words tag along at my back, touch my cheek, and whisper deep into my heart.  I know I don't have a clue what I do!  I don't even get it.  All my rebellion.  All my selfishness.  All my pride and self-loathing.  Forgive me, Lord, for I don't know what I do! 

I found myself in Romans 7 earlier this week, frustrated with myself and my faithlessness.  "I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do, I do not do.  But, what I hate, I do." (Romans 7:15)

I know that He pronounced it finished on that day.  He said it was finished that Good, very good, Friday.

For this, I am utterly undone.  My soul feels gratitude beyond words.  It is finished.  All my rebellion.  Covered, finished.  All my selfishness.  Finished and payed for.  All my pride and self-loathing.  Carried, covered, payed for, and finished.  

Forgive me, Lord, for I don't know what I do!  

This story.  This horrible story is the very center and foundation of all I know and all I absolutely need.  The result of that trauma--- my friend's horrific death and painful sacrifice---is the source of all that is good and right in my life.  All of it.

So, yes, I loath it... I really do.   I am grieving today.

But, I know and I remember, it very, very good.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.  For the joy set before him, he endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God"  (Hebrews 12:2)

Follow Me Into the Kitchen

These were my very thoughts today.  I offer this old post... re-posted...as a testimony of how we continue to learn the same things over and over again!  -----

I have had a particular image bouncing around in my head for a while now.   This picture came to my mind again today, as I was praying.  How do I describe what I see?

In my mind's eye I see Jesus walking into my kitchen and I am following Him.  I follow Him into the kitchen and watch Him pull up His long draping sleeve.  He dives His hands into my sink full of soapy water and dirty dishes. Dirty dishes.  Then, I follow Him.  I pull up my sleeves, dive my hands in and wash those dishes.   Together.  We finish the dishes and then He turns and walks into my hallway... headed for the closet---the vacuum cleaner.  I follow.  We vacuum.  Together.

Like two oxen plowing a field, we are yoked together.  Beautifully bound in unity, we work together as one. His strength making all compensation for my weaknesses.  His wisdom directing our work.   His Presence bringing Light and Joy and Peace.

Him and me.  Bound together because of His gift of grace and my choice to follow.

When Jesus physically walked the earth over 2000 years ago, He said, "Come and follow me".  And, they did.  James, John, Peter, and Thaddeus...  they followed Him.  They watched Him and did what He did, with Him.  They ate together and slept next to each other.  They walked and talked and did.  

Together.  Bound together because of His love and their desire to be with Him.

When Jesus physically left the earth, He reminded these friends--his followers--- that He would always be with them.  Always Present.  Always near.

Today, He reminds me.  Me, His friend, His follower... He reminds me that He is always with me.  He offers me Himself---His very Presence.

Come and follow me, Stephanie, He says to me today.

He invites you, too!  Follow Me into your kitchen, your schooling, your phone call and your errands.  I will be with you always! 

"As for me, the nearness of God is my good."  Psalm 73:28

-----

edited and re-posted from original post dated November 7, 2012

Loved Even More Than Birdie

Every day, without fail, he comes to the window.

How he knows I am awake or how long he has been watching for me... only God knows!  My little friend---Mr. Black Bird.  Or, "Birdie" as we fondly refer to him.

Early each morning, I stumble downstairs and find myself a glass of water.  First things first...I am just trying to wake up!  And, without fail, Birdie flies over to my kitchen window.  He turns his head left, then right, trying to see me more clearly... I think.  Then he chirps.  Sometimes silently, just an open mouth chirp, like you might imagine from a young bird opening to his mother.  Sometimes he offers some soft sound. He is coming for food.  Raisins, to be exact.  (I have offered him alternatives without success)  His early morning cheeky begging for raisins is one of my great joys each morning.  I can hardly express the happiness it gives me to see him fly over---almost like he is announcing, "You're here!".

I adore his "feed me" eagerness and persistence.  I can walk around the kitchen for half an hour and he will wait.  Turning his head left, then right.  Mouth open.  Waiting.  Expecting.  He knows...  He just knows I can't resist him.  Too cute for words.

This was the keen picture which came to my mind today.  I was praying and telling God how thankful I was for His grand abundance of provision in my life.  There is so much He has given me---eyes that work, ears that hear, feet that function, a roof keeping off this horrid rain, a warm bed, food in abundance, and so so much more.  How can I even begin to articulate the gifts of goodness the Lord provides!?  I was in a moment of profound gratefulness... when this clear image of Birdie popped into my mind.

As I was prayerfully curious about the picture, I could sense God wanting to show Himself--- His heart.  This.  This, Stephanie, is how I feel about you. 

Like a flash, I had the thought that God loves to give.  ...No, not only loves...   God loves AND delights to give His kids good gifts.  It makes Him thoroughly happy when we come to Him for our food.  When we daily look for Him, wait for Him, and when we expect good things from His hand.  The joy I feel when I feed Birdie--- this.  This is how God feels about us.  We can bring Him joy.  You and me.  The thought of bringing joy and delight to God is truly staggering; and, certainly Biblical.

"You are precious in my eyes.... and I love you." (Isaiah 43:4)

"God the Father will give good gifts to those who ask Him." (Matthew 7:11)

"The Lord Almighty will take great delight in you..." (Zephaniah 3:17)

The verses are endless.  If you look for the heart of God---Old Testament and New--- you will see the heart of love, delight, and determination on God's part to give goodness to His people.

Lord, thank You for your daily provision for me.  You give me so many things... and even "raisins" (what I like!).  Keep my heart ready and waiting for You each day.  May I run to Your word and wait in anticipation for Your filling and feeding.  You delight to give me good things!  Your food is my hearts greatest desire, I know.  Keep me eager and persistent and ever looking for it---and looking for You.  

Every day.  Without fail.  I want to come to you and wait expectantly.