Loved Even More Than Birdie

Every day, without fail, he comes to the window.

How he knows I am awake or how long he has been watching for me... only God knows!  My little friend---Mr. Black Bird.  Or, "Birdie" as we fondly refer to him.

Early each morning, I stumble downstairs and find myself a glass of water.  First things first...I am just trying to wake up!  And, without fail, Birdie flies over to my kitchen window.  He turns his head left, then right, trying to see me more clearly... I think.  Then he chirps.  Sometimes silently, just an open mouth chirp, like you might imagine from a young bird opening to his mother.  Sometimes he offers some soft sound. He is coming for food.  Raisins, to be exact.  (I have offered him alternatives without success)  His early morning cheeky begging for raisins is one of my great joys each morning.  I can hardly express the happiness it gives me to see him fly over---almost like he is announcing, "You're here!".

I adore his "feed me" eagerness and persistence.  I can walk around the kitchen for half an hour and he will wait.  Turning his head left, then right.  Mouth open.  Waiting.  Expecting.  He knows...  He just knows I can't resist him.  Too cute for words.

This was the keen picture which came to my mind today.  I was praying and telling God how thankful I was for His grand abundance of provision in my life.  There is so much He has given me---eyes that work, ears that hear, feet that function, a roof keeping off this horrid rain, a warm bed, food in abundance, and so so much more.  How can I even begin to articulate the gifts of goodness the Lord provides!?  I was in a moment of profound gratefulness... when this clear image of Birdie popped into my mind.

As I was prayerfully curious about the picture, I could sense God wanting to show Himself--- His heart.  This.  This, Stephanie, is how I feel about you. 

Like a flash, I had the thought that God loves to give.  ...No, not only loves...   God loves AND delights to give His kids good gifts.  It makes Him thoroughly happy when we come to Him for our food.  When we daily look for Him, wait for Him, and when we expect good things from His hand.  The joy I feel when I feed Birdie--- this.  This is how God feels about us.  We can bring Him joy.  You and me.  The thought of bringing joy and delight to God is truly staggering; and, certainly Biblical.

"You are precious in my eyes.... and I love you." (Isaiah 43:4)

"God the Father will give good gifts to those who ask Him." (Matthew 7:11)

"The Lord Almighty will take great delight in you..." (Zephaniah 3:17)

The verses are endless.  If you look for the heart of God---Old Testament and New--- you will see the heart of love, delight, and determination on God's part to give goodness to His people.

Lord, thank You for your daily provision for me.  You give me so many things... and even "raisins" (what I like!).  Keep my heart ready and waiting for You each day.  May I run to Your word and wait in anticipation for Your filling and feeding.  You delight to give me good things!  Your food is my hearts greatest desire, I know.  Keep me eager and persistent and ever looking for it---and looking for You.  

Every day.  Without fail.  I want to come to you and wait expectantly.

Can you just sit and wait, Stephanie?

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It was 2 in the afternoon when the electricity went off.

Surprised, I got up and went in search of the landlady to let her know.

I had come away for a few days of quiet retreat with the Lord.  Staying in a tiny little cottage down the road from my house, I had been having a great time journaling and praying.  

Hardly even bothered about the electrics, I stuck my head out of the cottage and happened upon the landlady to let her know about the shut-down. She wasn't surprised; but apologetically explained that she would have it all sorted by 4----a few hours time.  No worries, right?  

The hours past quickly as I continued to worship, journal, read and pray.  I first realized the passing of time when I noticed the darkening of the room and I started to get a little cold (the heating is connected to the electrics).  I got up in order to start the kettle for a cup of tea.  ...no electricity.   Looking at the clock, it was now 5 PM...  and the daylight was quickly leaving.  My little cottage was starting to get dark and cold---and I just wanted a hot drink.  

So, slightly bothered now, I popped my head out of the cottage in search of the landlady.  She was no where to be found.  So, I ventured out...  finding the electricians hard at work by flashlight and lanterns.  Yes, darkness was indeed quickly descending.  

I politely asked them when they might be done working... and they assured me that it would only be another half hour at most.  As I turned away from them and began walking back to my dark cabin, I felt the strong urge to cry... sadness was welling up---hard and fast.  

Wow!  These strong emotions...for this relatively small thing, Lord...  What is this about, Father? I want to weep here.  What is really going on in my heart.  

I sat down and picked up my journal and with the trickle of light from the descending sun,  I wrote: "This is definitely not only about the electricity!" 

I spent the next few minutes crying and writing...  trying to articulate all the "small" and large things that have been frustrating lately.  ...the myriad of things that I am and have been waiting for.  

Waiting.  It is not an easy thing to do!  I am not a patient person.  ...and there is a lot of waiting and ambiguity in this life.  

The landlady said it would be working at 4:00... it was now nearly 6 PM.  I was cold, getting hungry, tired, and it was dark.  I was imminently loosing my the ability to do any journaling or reading.  

The next hour was spent in utter frustration.  In and out of the cottage, I went.  Making my annoyance known in small ways... I paced, I sighed.  I asked again--- when?  When will this be sorted?  I kept getting the same answer...  only a few more minutes.  Surely just 20 more minutes.  

The sadness I had been feeling slowly and steadily turned to anger.  Utter frustration.  

As I sat in the dark cabin... verses kept coming to my head, on after another.  Wait on the Lord.  Wait for the Lord continually (Hosea 12:6).  Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him (Psalm 37:7).  I wait for the Lord, my soul waits!  (Psalm 130:5)  

Just wait.  Can you just wait?  

Stephanie, wait on the Lord. 

At 7:15, I texted my husband:  Dark.  Cold.  Hungry.  Electricity is still out.  I am done.  I am so frustrated.  Waiting in the dark...  

He wrote back:  Do you want me to come get you?  

Clear as a sun-filled day, I knew in that instant the answer to that kind question from my husband...  

I knew.  I knew I needed to wait.  

I texted back...  I don't know.  ...No,  I think God is asking me to wait.  

He texted back...  Ok.  Wait it is.  Hmmmm...  Waiting in the dark.  Praying for you right now.  

Yep!  He knows.  My husband knows all the things we are waiting for.  

In that moment, I put my phone down.  I  walked over with distinct purpose and sat on the couch. With stubborn resolve... with a sorta-"fine, then!"-mild tantrum feeling, I sat down.

OK, Lord,  I am going to wait!!  I don't know how long, but here I am...  Here I am.  I am waiting.  Into the dark, I went and I sat. Hands on my knees, sitting with obstinate determination... I sat and chose to wait. In that moment I felt surrender.  

It was only seconds, hardly even a minute later...the lights came on.  

Just like that... as if with perfect comedic timing the Lord responded to my final surrender with: Good!  Well done.  Finally!  And, bam! the electricity came on.  

It was 7:30 PM and God had another life lessons for me...  Can you wait, Stephanie?  Just stop, sit down... be still and know that I am God.  Not the first time we have been here!  But, indeed, here we are again.   Just waiting.  

My Enough

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In this season of life sleep is not always a given.  There are many mornings when I feel heavy and exhausted after the restless or sleepless night.  It had become a daily habit of mine to tell the family at the breakfast table how much sleep I had gotten...  "I only got 3 hours of sleep last night" ...longing for those around me to take part, sympathize, and understand.

It was only a few weeks ago that I had the thought... why am I keeping track?  What is the point?  Is it helping me in any way to know?**

Brene Brown in her fabulous books often talks about a 'mentality of scarcity'.  We walk around struggling with the "not enough" feeling all day long.  Scarcity.  I am not enough... or I don't have enough.  Not thin enough.  Not smart enough.  Not tall enough.  Not funny enough.  Not enough time.  Not enough sleep.  Not enough energy.  Not enough fun.  Not enough money.

This 'not enough' mentality--- scarcity--- haunts us and follows us around throughout our days. But, it's a lie.  This way of thinking is absolutely false.

In contrast, we are told that we have "all we need for life and godliness"...  (2 Peter 1:3).  Scripture tells us that God gives us all we need...

It is false to say I don't have enough for life.  No!  In Christ, I truly have all I need!

"The way to slowly die is to believe you live in scarcity---not abundance" ~Ann Voskamp

According to Scripture, when we live in Christ, we live in abundance.  Abundance of grace. Abundance of strength.  Abundance of peace.  Abundance of life and light and truth...

So, I have decided to stop keeping track.

An older friend here told me she read an article that said it is helpful to not look at the clock when you wake up in the middle of the night.  The news article stated that it helps you fall asleep quicker if you don't know... or don't look.  I started there one night.  (and this was quite a discipline)

Now when I am tossing and turning... or wide awake... I just don't look.  I cover my clock with a book!  Why do I need to know?  It only brings trouble to my mind, it never helps.

I just stopped keeping track entirely.  I don't count.  I don't keep track and I don't tell my family how much sleep I got, or didn't get.  I actually don't know!

My goal in the morning, instead, is to swing my feet around, plant them firm on the ground and stand on the truth that I have enough.  For today.  For life and godliness, today, I have all I need.   In this, I can be very thankful for any and all sleep.  Slowly, I am trusting I got exactly what I need.  Jesus is my enough.  He has given me all I need today for life and for godliness...

Today, I had just enough sleep.  If, in fact, I didn't get much; then, He will give me enough energy for what He is calling me to today.  In Him, I have enough.

I speak to my soul...  Trust the Lord, Stephanie.  Trust that He is Your enough.  Trust that in Him you have abundance.  He has given you what you need.  And, indeed, He will give you what you need for today.  



**Of course, it is helpful to keep track of these things when we are struggling to take good care of ourselves.  ...am I giving myself the vegetables I need?  Am I giving my body exercise and healthy care?  Am I going to bed at a beneficial time---allowing for enough sleep?  In these ways, it can be super helpful to know... or keep track.  But, this isn't my problem.  I am taking good care of my body--- heading to bed at a decent hour.  I am just simply not sleeping.  (a very common problem, so I hear, with women 'my age' and older!)  

My Golden Calves

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I feel a deep, gut-level cringe even as I simply read the title to Exodus 32: "The Golden Calf".  It has taken me two full days to decide "it's time" to dive in.  Every time I open up the Bible, I can feel myself wanting to hide.  This journey through the Old Testament---looking for God's heart--- has been so rich and sweet.  And, I just know, this one is going to be painful.  Exodus 32 is going to hurt.  They are going to hurt God's heart.

God had been with them.  I have just read about Him delivering them.  He has provided for them over and over.  From Exodus 24 onward, He is speaking His words and His ways for them.

And, then... the golden calf.  

When I read the section title alone, I wince and think---What?  How?!  Why?  How did they do this? How did they so quickly turn?   I feel shame for them.  Shock.  Pain.

Less than 10 words into the reading... I get my answer:  How?  Why?

"When they saw that Moses was so long in coming down..."  (Exodus 33:1)

They were impatient.  Simple, as that.  They were tired of waiting.  Impatient.  Maybe, afraid. They just couldn't wait any longer.  Waiting for Moses to bring them God's words, they grew weary...

As I read these words, I am stopped in my tracks.  Oh!  Lord, how often...  how OFTEN, I get impatient.  I get tired of waiting, too.  Praying... asking... waiting... seeking...  and, I, too, grow weary.
 
My culture doesn't lend itself to carved calves from gold.  No, we do other things when we grow tired of waiting on the Lord.   My culture has other paths...  We push harder.  We do.  We do it ourselves.  We medicate.  We think.  We dig.  We plan and organize.  We figure and research.  We buy what we think we need.  We adorn.  We eat.  We drink.  We fill our minds with more.  And/Or, we just give up--- and turn on the television and numb.  Until, we get up, push harder and plan.  Or eat. And, drink.

Oh, how we must hurt God's heart.

...God has been long in coming down and answering my prayers...  

I do get tired.  Impatient.  Afraid...  will Moses ever come down!?  Will God ever answer?  "We don't know what happened to 'that guy'", the Israelites say to Aaron.

So, Aaron... or Google...  make me a god that will take care of me.  I need something here!
I can't wait any longer.

As I sit with the Lord, confessing my impatience to Him, my mind is flooded with verse upon verse... a whisper and breath of Truth bringing light to the moment...

There is another way, Stephanie.  There is another way...  

"Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart"  (Psalm 27: 14)

"They that wait upon the Lord shall mount up with wings as eagles." (Isaiah 40:31)

"Let us not grow weary of doing good..."  (Galatians 6:9)

"Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him.  Do not worry."  (Psalm 37:7)

There are things I am waiting for and asking the Lord.  Help me, Lord, to choose the way of trust.  Help me to wait for You.  You, Faithful One, have always delivered me.  You have always come through.  Help me to wait for You.  

The Field of Your Choosing

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At the new year, I felt strongly that God was inviting me into a journey through the Old Testament.  It has been a long time since I felt His leading this clearly regarding a place in Scripture to read.  If I am honest, I haven't been a big fan of portions of the Old Testament.  It can be a confusing place for me. Often, I seem to be missing something.  ...missing God, misunderstanding God, and His true character.  This invitation was a bit daunting and exciting at the same time.

I am very, very, very slowly making my way through and it truly has been a sweet experience.  My goal is to converse with God as we walk through the Old Testament together.  We have had some great---delightful and difficult--- conversations!  I ask "why?" and tell Him, "I really don't get this!" on a regular basis.  I ask Him to please tell me more.  I also find myself in awe at the revelation of His beautiful character.  I am not missing God this time around!!  

In this slow walk, I often read a section twice or three (or six) times.  We settle down and talk about a section for a while before we move on, sometimes a day later---or even after weeks on end. Yesterday, I was reading the first part of Exodus 17:1-7.  This is when God gives His thirsty people water from a rock.  Water from a rock...  Just think about that! Amazing!  I was struck by God's faithfulness to His people over and over.  They are in bondage--- He delivers.  They are in danger---He destroys their foes.  They are hungry---He feeds.  They are lost--- He leads.  They are thirsty--- He gives them water to drink (multiple times!).  I spent the remainder of my time yesterday praising His compassion, faithful love, and generosity.  

Today, as I sat down, I wondered if we should walk-on from here.  Nah... let's read it again.  

I read the same passage and new words jumped off the page.  I hadn't even noticed them yesterday:

"traveling from place to place, as the Lord commanded" (17:1)  God was leading the Israelites every step-of-the-way.  

I immediately thought:  You brought them to a place that had no water!  No water.  On purpose? What!? With feelings lingering close to indignation, yet mixed with amusement, I asked:  Why, Lord? What is this about?  Why would You lead them to a place with no water?  

The phrase which came to my mind after I asked this question was jarring:  The Lord is my Shepherd.

In recent years, this phrase has become a touch-stone for me: sweet words of comfort.  Words given by God as a gift of peace and a way back to joy. Through years of chronic pain, multiple moves, food allergies, and strange physical symptoms God has reminded me that I can trust Him to lead me exactly to the right field at the right time.  He owns me and loves me and will walk me, leading, every step of the way.  I don't have to worry... I can just watch my Shepherd and follow.  He knows.  He cares.  I can trust.  

Last night, in the midst of a bout of sleeplessness, I found myself utterly frustrated---even angry.  I didn't know who I was angry with---I was just angry.  Lack of sleep can do that to ya...  right?!  Similar to the Israelites in Exodus 17, I just wanted to complain and grumble:  Why am I even in this bed, tonight?  Did I come here, to this bed, to die of sleep deprivation? To toss and turn and rot?  

In the midst of tossing and turning, I remembered the comforting phrase and it truly brought calm and trust... the Lord is my Shepherd.  You are my Shepherd, God!  Within these words live a myriad of lessons.  I can believe that if this 'insomnia field' is the field He has brought me--- then, in this very field...  I will go, I can walk. I can lie down and trust Him.  He knows me.  He knows what I need.  His wisdom is pure and it sits on a foundation of love.  

Plain and simple, God does indeed bring His people... time-and-time-again... to places where there is no water to drink.   He leads them into battles.  Desert lands.  Foggy fields.  Dark places.  Will I now hear the invitation to watch and wait for Him to quench my thirst?  Will I expect water from a rock and manna from heaven? And, can I trust Him when I am left in the dungeon like Joseph for years on end?  

I walk with you in this field, the field of Your choosing, my good Shepherd.  

Looking for the Rainbow

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It rains often where I live.  A lot.  ...I mean it... it rains a lot!

As I sit here and glance out the window, I see the rain begin again... It is our 'normal' here.  And, I don't hate it.  I know that I live in a very green land and, in truth, we are green here because of the rain.  Green and rain go hand-and-hand.  Today, though, I realize that it is raining while at the same time it is bright and sunny. With that recognition comes excitement.   My heart leaps with a happy thought, "There will be a rainbow!"  Somewhere I know there will be a rainbow.  I just have to find it!  Go looking for it...

Praying, a few months back, for my two children, my mother's heart was asking that my kids would be spared from pain--- this specific pain, that pain, ANY pain, Lord.   Spare them from any pain, Lord. In that moment, as the cry of my heart issued forth, my attention was drawn immediately to the window.  I looked outside and saw the rain.  In the quietness and with a gentle whisper, I felt the Lord breathe a truth into my heart...  In order for green and growth, we need sunshine AND rain, Stephanie. Both are necessary.   

Sunshine and rain.  

I know this.  We all know this.  But, oh!, how we feel when the rain and storms of life come.  With this kind reminder from God, I began to pray differently.  Okay, Lord.  Yes, I want my children to be 'green' with life!  I want them to grow and flourish in You.  So, Lord... I trust You with the rain.  Bring rain AND sunshine in my children's lives.  Only as much rain as necessary, Father!  ...Lord, protect them from floods and storms that are not necessary to their growth.  Protect them from hail and destructive hurricanes.  But, I say "yes and amen!" to Your gifts of sunshine and rain in their lives.  

I pray.  I begin again to trust and believe--- Lord, help me with my unbelief.  And, I ask that they would grow.  I also pray that they would look for and see more and more rainbows.  Go looking for it...

Old Habits Die Hard... Time to Chuck Em Out!

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How many of us wear the same old sweatshirt or slippers over and over again... simply because they are comfortable.  Or, known?

I  do. You?

And, maybe in the same way, I think I have gotten used to drama and chaos in my soul.  I've gotten comfy in my insecurities and snugly in my habits of relating badly. Have you?

In contrast, these last few months, I have sensed an increasing peace and quietness that is filling my heart.  I feel relaxed.  For anyone that knows me well... that is a huge statement.  I feel relaxed.

I feel more deeply relaxed than I think I have ever felt before.  A soul-relaxing is happening within me and I believe it is a miracle of the Spirit of God.  Years of praying for trust and faith to build... and a profound rest seems to pervade my soul.

Not that I don't have worried and fearful moments.  Not that I am without anger or sadness or frustration.  Of course not!  No, these are still with me.  Absolutely.

But, honestly, they seem to be situated or even "floating" on top of a firmer foundation- a foundation of rest and joy that God has been building in my life.

Interestingly, though, as I sit to ponder... I am aware of a new discomfort in my soul.  I realize that, if I am honest, I am a bit uneasy with this quiet, peaceful state of mind and heart.  It is as if the feeling of peace is bringing dis-quiet and discomfort.  It doesn't feel "right" or "natural".

Peace feels suspect.  I question it.  I'm skeptical.  Should I feel this calm?  What am I missing?  Is something around the corner?  ...Am I just in denial?  

I wonder and question and then I worry...  And, with the worry comes strange relief... Ah!  now, I feel "normal" and comfy again!    A bit crazy, I know!

I think I have gotten far to used to chaos and commotion in my soul.

Why would peace and joy be suspect and anxiety, guilt or irritability feel "comfortable"?  Or, just known?

I suppose that "wearing" these worries and sins and fears all my life has made them snugly and comfy to my soul... like stinky, wretched old slippers.  Do I actually miss the stirring and straining?

I think it is high time to throw out these noxious old slippers and settle into the new ones God has provided. This is the gift He gives me--- a gift He gives all His kids.  With salvation, He gives us a new normal.  Rest. Peace.  Freedom.  Joy.  All these things are mine to wear... every day.

Which will I put on today?

I Left My Hearing Aids Behind

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My father-in-law came for a lovely visit.  The day he left, in the early morning fog and grog, he accidentally left his hearing aids at our house...

He flew home over the Atlantic ocean handicapped with minimized hearing ability.

What a huge bummer!  I can just imagine regularly having and relying on an aid... glasses, pain meds, crutches, braces, or hearing aids... and then suddenly being without them.  I think I would feel pretty vulnerable.

When we found them, we rushed to the post office and sent him the hearing devices...  Express Mail.  Two day delivery.  After a long conversation and much discussion with the post office staff, we were assured... indeed, he would have them soon.  Within days, they promised, the aids would arrive and he will have them in his possession again.

I need aids to help me hear, too.  I need help to spiritually hear, that is.  And, sometimes I leave "my aids" behind in the early morning fog.

Daily times in God's word, my journal, prayer cards, friends to share with, books I read and worship music are only a few of the "glasses, braces and crutches" I use daily to help me see, hear and walk rightly with my heavenly Father.  There are days, though, that I leave them behind.  Accidentally, of course.  I forget them or misplace them or simply overlook their importance.  I leave them until I feel vulnerable and have trouble hearing, of course!

Are you hearing Me, Stephanie?    Are these the words the Spirit has been whispering into my soul this past week?  I am not sure... I am wondering as I type today.

The hearing aids that my father-in-law left at my house didn't make it to him on time.  In fact the parcel was stuck, for no apparent reason, in our country.  They sat, neatly wrapped---carefully protected---in someone's outbox in the middle of the UK.  Days and days left behind.  No worker with the post office could tell me why.

They got left behind again!

Then, they got stuck in the US customs bureaucracy--- a red-tape nightmare of paperwork and misunderstanding!  All the while, my father was handicapped in his ability to hear.  Days and days were passing.  Every day more vulnerability, more frustration.  I was frustrated.  VERY frustrated.  No, actually, I was down-right angry.

When I got the news they were still in the UK, thoughts sped in and out of my mind... and spilled out of my mouth.  'I spent X amount of pounds to send this package!'  'They promised me they would get there!'  'This just isn't right?!'

Are you hearing Me, Stephanie?  

Angered with ridiculous paper work, I was thrown into a tailspin of irritability and defensiveness.  I don't need this right now, I thought.

Stephanie, listen for a minute, ...be still.  Are you hearing Me?  

Literally, the night before the 'hearing-aid-parcel-fiasco' begain, I had copied two quotes into my journal,

"You must utterly believe that the circumstances of your life, that is, every minute of your life- have come to you by His will and by His permission and is exactly what you need" ~Jeanne Guyon  

"One who makes it a rule to be content in every part and accident of life because it comes from God, praises God more than one dedicated an hour of singing psalms."~William Law

Yeah...  uh. huh.  Got it.  Yep.

The words did make me stop at the time I read them.  I pondered.  I prayed.   I read these words, thought on them a bit, ... and THEN walked on, leaving them to rest on the table and quietly tucked in the book. Yep, I left my hearing aids behind!

The very next day, the parcel bureaucracy began... and I was utterly frustrated.

Are you hearing Me, my love?

I sat down to pray with some friends (good friends are great hearing aids!)  As we prayed I started to hear a bit more clearly... to see things as if with better light.

"Utterly believe"...  Guyon had written.  Oh Father, You are speaking to me again of faith and trust.  Surrender and rest in You...  

"Every minute" "every part and accident of life" "by His permission" "Exactly what you need..."  Are you listening, Stephanie? 

Dear Lord, again, today I think you are reminding me that I can remain in You.  I can relax in Your love.  Even in this "accident", I can trust.  I can see and trust Your hand on all things.  I can trust You as my loving, powerful Father...

I found my hearing aids this morning and put them in, turned them up!  Unapologetically, I am picking up my 'crutches' and walking with help.  Indeed, I walk with a limp and need those crutches!  I am turning on that worship music at full volume today.  I need the aids of friends, God's word, worship music, thankfulness lists, and good books to read.  I don't want to leave them behind.

I want to hear you more clearly.  Today, I will listen, Father.  Teach me, I pray.  

A Sheep with Claws??

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It is a funny or odd picture, I will admit.  But, God used it none-the-less.

A little white lamb with sharp, long fangs pointing out from it's mouth.  In place of hooves, it had claws like an eagle.   A strange image, to be sure.  A "fangy" sheep?  But, this is the picture I saw in my head when I ask the Lord about my worry.

When I asked Him what He thought about my worry... what was His Truth about the state of my heart, I saw this picture in my mind's eye.

A sheep with fangs...  ugly, grotesque and malformed...  a lamb with claws.  Not as it should be.  Something is definitely not right here.

I knew when I saw this picture in my mind's eye that God's Spirit was saying something profound to my spirit.   This is what you look like when you don't trust me and you try to take care of yourself with worry.  

Humans aren't born with armor.  We don't have fangs and we don't have claws.  We are soft and vulnerable.   When we go to war we must create armor.  When we are hurt we also must, and do, create armor to protect.  When we want to attack with strength, we have to have made a weapon.  Our fists are the best we have.  That is it.  We aren't made to protect ourselves or to attack others.  Protection is what God does for us... if we let Him.

But, we don't.  Or, I should say, I don't.  I try to protect myself and have since before I can remember.  I protect myself from this pain or that pain.  Psychologists call these "protections" our "coping mechanisms".  Worry, fear, overeating, pleasure, escape, planning, "doing", cleaning, self righteousness, judgment and analysis... all mechanisms to help us cope---to help me cope.

Some coping mechanisms are more destructive than others, certainly.  And, some are temporary gifts of survival;  but, all mechanisms--- in the end--- if solely relied upon can become our god.    They become places we go.  They become the avenue for our okay-ness, our rest, our care, and our security.  They tend and "care" for us---usually quite poorly, I might add.  They can become our shepherd.

God reminded me of this picture today.  When I came to Him again, today, with my worry, He reminded me that it isn't my job to protect myself or to protect others.  He is my good, kind, loving Shepherd.  I can trust Him and His protection.  "I myself will tend my sheep, says the Sovereign Lord" (Ezekiel 34:15)  

In fact, when I run to these others things--- when I try to protect myself---I just look (and act) like a scared little white lamb with fangs and claws.  Something is not quite right here.


"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone!"  Psalm 62:5-8

Get out of the car!

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It is truly amazing what a bit of time, a bit of space and whole lot of quiet will open up in the soul.

Why is it so natural for me to feel like a "bother", Lord?  What is this?  

This is where our conversation started.  Quiet and space---a special set aside time away with the Lord--- allowed for me to dive deeper, sit longer and listen.

I feel like I am always bothering people...  with my issues, my needs, my emails, my phone calls, my sharing, or my posts.  I know this is a feeling---not a reality---but, it is a strong feeling, Lord.  Why do I have this?  Where did this all begin, Holy Spirit?  Please show me...  

This isn't the first time I have questioned the Lord regarding my soul and my painful places...  I have learned this wonderful technique of listening prayer from a dear friend and mentor.  "Wholeness prayer" is what she calls it.  Simply put, God guides, answers and leads us forward to wholeness through prayer: a simple conversation.  And, I have seen such amazing victory in my life and the lives of many others using this type of prayer.

I often ask the Lord these kinds of questions about many areas of my life.  Why am I so worried about my health---so afraid of loss---so angry about this event---so drawn to this sin, Lord?  Where did it start?  Show me Your truth, Your Light, I ask.  Please show me You, God!  

Do you see a stuck place in your life?  ...ask the Lord about it.
Why am I stuck with this same response, Lord?  Why is this so hard for me?  And then listen.  Sit and listen.

What do you see in your mind's eye, what might His Spirit whisper into your heart, what Scripture comes to mind, or what memory floods?

Tell Him what you are seeing, sensing, feeling as you listen... converse with Him.  He is a real Person---a very real Counselor that knows you inside and out.

When did I begin to feel like a "bother"? Where did this start, Lord?  Or, when did I begin to feel this way?  

As I sat and listened, after some time, I remembered an event from my teen years.  I had visited a trusted mentor with a problem.  I had walked into their office and began to share, ...to cry, ...to vent.  During the time and even as I remembered this memory (these 23 years later), it became very clear that this person was agitated, annoyed and distinctly bothered by my sharing.  I don't know that they said so directly, with words... in fact, I am sure they probably didn't.  But, their frustration with my pain was clear and loud.   They were bothered by me, by my tears and by my sharing.  I was clearly "in the way".  A bother.

As I sat and thought over the memory, asking the Lord, "Show me your truth, Lord Jesus"  The memory continued.  I remember getting up from my seat, exiting the office quickly and getting into my car to drive away.  This isn't my imagination---this is a memory.  At the time, I remember thinking, very distinctly, as I buckled my seat belt, "Just shut up, Stephanie!"  Click.  Buckled in.  "I won't ever share like that again!", I vowed in my heart.

Hmmm....

I believe this is what the Lord wanted me to see...

As I sat with this image and the shame of the moment---deep shame, visceral shame flooded me at that time and even flooded me afresh as I remembered how embarrassed I was with my "behavior" (how dare I share my heart so vulnerably and smack dab in the middle of the day!)--- I asked the Spirit of Christ again, "Please Lord show me Your Truth, Your light.  What are Your thoughts."  

Even as I asked, I had a clear answer...  Get out of the car.  Unbuckle your seat belt and get out of the car! 

Get out of the car?  was my response to this thought.  Really?  Is this from You, Lord?  

It isn't what I was expecting, to be sure.  I was expecting something akin to, "You are my beloved daughter. I am always listening to you.  Or, I see you."  But, nope.  Get out of the car, Stephanie.

It took nearly 20 minutes and many, many times re-asking the Lord what His thoughts were...

Until I finally, in my mind's eye-now (not a memory), finally... with prayerful imagination, I unbuckled my seat belt and stepped out of the car.

In that moment, deep relief flooded my heart!  One moment of obedience and submission of spirit--courage to prayerfully "step out of the car" and bam!---peace.  Deep peace flooded.    It is hard to describe.

He knew that that moment in time---20 years ago-- I had made a choice of will to listen to the lies of the enemy!  The enemy of my soul had told me to shut up and stop sharing.  And, I chose to buckle myself into the lie.  Click.  Buckled down and silenced.

Yesterday, it was a response of my will, my spirit and my trust to unbuckle that lie...  and silence the Liar and Destroyer.  It was sweet release.

In my mind's eye, I saw myself... Stephanie, 17 years of age.... standing on the outside of the car.  Breathing fresh air!  Free. Free to be me.  To share and to keep "pestering" with my vulnerability and my weakness.  Free to cry.  And, free to play.  Free from the thoughts of that mentor, free from what they believed about me.

Free.

I am sure that I will still struggle with feeling I am a "bother" from time to time.  There are deeper places for the Lord and I to dive-into... in His time.  But, I will have this special moment of Light and Truth to take into the battle for freedom.

This freedom is only one amazing benefit from a bit of space, a bit of time and whole lot of quiet.

Hiking boots...humility...and a friend

Most days when I go for my morning walk in the fields, I am so very glad I have worn my hiking boots.  Returning home, they are caked in mud and have repelled what-seems gallons of water.  I am so grateful that I have a good pair of boots.  I need them here where I live, to be sure.  I am dependent on them for comfort and stability.

Dependence.

He visited our church last Sunday.  Following up on his experience, he responded, "I wouldn't go back.  I don't like how much they all depend on God."

He didn't like the dependence he saw.  It was off-putting and not attractive to him.

He isn't wrong.  His assessment is correct; even if, to my mind, his response is sad.  Christians are, by definition, "dependent" on God.

It is all about dependence.  It is all about surrender.  And, reliance.  And, a laying-it-down.

But, unlike this friend, my heart hears these words and with them comes an a feeling of invitation.  An invitation to forgiveness, to mercy, to rest, to freedom and to love.

I would argue that we are always dependent---whether we like to admit it or not.  It isn't really a choice to be dependent or not.  Am I alone in, simply, dependence on a morning coffee to keep away a headache?

We are, by nature, dependent beings.  We need things...food, water, air, ---just to start.  We depend on the laws of nature and we depend on our friends, our spouses and our parents.  We depend on boots to cover our feet in the muddy fields.

Dependence on God.  What do those word sound like to your ears?  Do they sound  like a "crutch" or a brace you don't like and don't want to hinder, squash or hold-you-back.  Or, does it sound like a good, sturdy, comfy pair of hiking boots---necessary, wise, and wonderfully freeing while walking this life's journey?

For me, I suppose, I am learning that dependence and submission---humility, really---are like these robust hiking boots.  Humility-boots that make the journey steady and straight; boots that allow for a variety of terrain and weather.

When describing the life Jesus lived on earth, Andrew Murray suggests that one main characteristic of Christ's life was exactly this:  dependence.  (Humility by Andrew Murray)

"By myself, I can do nothing.  I seek not to please myself but him who sent me." (John 5:30)

Murray simplifies true humility as being the "consent of the creature to let God be all, the surrender of itself to His working alone."

Jesus shows us this in His life on earth.  "He teaches us where true humility begins and finds its strength--in the knowledge that it is God who works all in all, that or place is to yield to Him in perfect resignation and dependence, in full consent to be and do nothing of ourselves."

"This life of entire self-abnegation, of absolute submission and dependence upon the Father's will, Christ found to be the source of perfect peace and joy."  ~Andrew Murray

Perfect peace and joy sound like comfort and strength to me.  What an invitation!  I suppose, in part, it is because I know the kind Father that issues this invitation to me.  I have met this Jesus, who shows us these things and says "come to me and I will give you rest for your souls!"

Although I can make my educated guesses, I don't truly understand why this is so off-putting to my friend.

But, what I do know is that I am so glad I have my hiking boots to put on when I go for my walk tomorrow! Unfortunately, I don't always choose to put them on---and then I come back with soaked, cold feet.  I do have a choice each day.

But, the fact is, I can always choose them---and it is a good, wise thing when I do.

Do you trust me now?

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The Lord has always provided for me. 
  
Truly, through the years, I have had the privilege to see Him provide everything from finances, to visas, to refrigerators, cars, ...even babies! Even more importantly, I have-- time and time again-- seen Him provide His presence in the most needed moments. 
  
I have always been provided for.

Just recently, though, it seems that His provisions comes a bit "later" than I have grown accustom to. He seems to be saying "no" more and "wait" a lot more often these days. 

Lately, it feels like He brings me right up to the edge of the water, waits for me to put my toe in the water and then...

...He opens the "red sea"! 

But, my toe needs to touch the water first, it seems. His whispers into my soul have been, "Do you trust me now?". ...and "how about now?" ..."and now". 

These whispers are certainly not unkind; but, instead, just an asking---an invitation--- gently asking for my trust. "Do you know I love you, Stephanie?"

Just yesterday, as we were coming upon another move into the unknown, I finally bowed my head in complete surrender. 

It isn't that I haven't been attempting and even finding daily surrender to the Lord; but, this was a full face-plant kind of surrender. I said with deep, difficult sincerity, "I trust you, Lord" and "it is well with my soul". 

Now, of course, there is no formula to this! I can't say the magic words and blam! I will have exactly what I want or need... it is a heart thing.  

It is a relational thing. It is a daughter-dad thing.

My heart had to give in and give up, to trust a loving, kind and good Father and His plan... His timing. Trust is not about words. It is not something you can muster. I guess this time my toe finally went into the water because He just opened the "red sea"...
  

edited re-post from April 2009

Crashing Lies... calming Truth

Sometimes a lie comes crashing into my heart.

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Sometimes my mind is flooded with doubts and lies--the stream of accusation sending me on a distracted journey into guilt---a dangerous terrain.

This morning a lie crashed in and tried it's best to carry me away.  Today it was, "Your not doing enough".

  ..."not enough" hissed through the beginnings of my quiet time with the Lord.

I wrestled with these words, these thoughts.  Just before I was swept away, I uttered a slight quiet prayer, something like "Lord have mercy on me"... but coming forth from my lips as a deep sigh and an "ugh!!"

In response, I instantly felt prompted to pick up His Word and read.  Read truth.

As I opened God's Word, light streamed in and the noisy lies ceased.  As if a direct answer to the streaming lie, I read, "Jesus gave them this answer:  I  tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can only do what he sees the Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.  For the Father loves the Son and shows Him all He is doing."  (John 5:19)

Jesus was being accused by the Jews.  Lies crashed all around him.  They didn't like what He was doing or who He was.  They accused Him and tried to destroy Him. (John 5:18). In response to the accusation, he answered  them with the simplicity of His relationship to the Father.  He pointed to the Father.  And, He pointed to His actions as an extension of the Father's will.

He rested in the security of doing what the Father wanted Him to do.  Case closed.  End of story.

I have an accuser.  And, this accuser speaks only one language:  lies.  Lying is his mother-tongue.  Jesus always answered accusation with Truth.  He always speaks truth.

Now, granted, Jesus was much better than I at knowing the Father's will and His desires.   His clarity and discernment were unhindered by sin. Certainly sin and self often hinder my ability to know what the Father would have me do.  And yet.

And yet...  I am His.  I am asking.  And, I am attempting to listen, to follow and to do.  Failures and all...

...it is the deepest desire of my heart to do the Father's will.  I long, Father, to join You and to walk with You and do exactly what you would have me do today!  

So, when the "not enough" lie pummels my mind again, I will answer it with the truth that, Stephanie can do nothing by herself.  She can only do what she sees the Father doing!  And, her Father loves her and will show her what to do today.  
  
And, truth calms the crashing lies.

To Borrow Worry again... and again...

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His face was painted with worry.  What is wrong, sweet boy? Why that face?

In response, he broke down in tears.  Almost sobbing uncontrollably, he told me about all the things he had to get done for school.  He just knew that he wasn't going to be able to get it all done!

In that moment, he just knew that the day would be a failure.  Anyone looking on would have seen utter frustration and despair coming out in tears down his freckled face.  My sweet boy...  He is only ten years old.  But, sometimes even he, this light-hearted soul, feels overwhelmed and worried.

I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he would be just fine.  I knew he would have plenty of time to finish it all.  I knew, in fact, that he would have time to spare and much room to play!  But no words could convince his determined heart.  He just wouldn't believe me.  Does God ever feel this way, I wonder?

I knew He need not worry!  I knew it would all be fine... he would be fine.  But, his heart was convinced otherwise.  And so he despaired.  He worried.  He cried and lamented.

At about 4:00 this afternoon I found this same sweet boy playing on the computer.  He loves his computer-time play!  I found him here playing and creating a world on his favorite game.  He saw me and wanted to show me the digital world he is creating.  I enjoyed it and entered into his play world for a moment.

Then, I asked him...

This morning, son, you were very worried.  Were you borrowing worry, my sweet boy?  

With a sheepish, but tenderly sweet grin, he said, Yep.  Yeah... I was.  

Was it worth it?  Did it help you?  Was it necessary, my sweet boy?  

No!!  he replied, it never is!  

And then he paused and said with a confusing look and a quirky smile,  But, Mom, I seem to forget that when I am worried.  When I am in the middle of worrying, I can't seem to remember!

Me, too, son.  Me, too!

It has been said that our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, but only empties today of its strength.  ~Charles Spurgeon

The beauty of resting...

Her voice rang with simple joy as we talked, "Stephanie, I go to sleep each night so excited to sleep and so grateful for my warm, soft bed.  I wake up each morning so excited to start the day---what will He have for me today, I wonder each morning with joy!"

Sharing her heart and sharing this victory of perspective, she spoke these words over the long distance phone line.  Her words brought more than a smile to my mouth---they brought a smile to my soul.  Can a soul smile?  Mine did.

Happy to fall asleep.  Happy to wake up.  This!  This is joy.  This is contentment!

My friend---this mother, this wife, this daughter--- spoke words of deep contentment.  It isn't a place she was, naturally is---or has always been---no, this is a place she has come to.  Contentment is who she is becoming.  My friend was once a woman who might fall asleep exhausted, worried, or disappointed with all that didn't get done that day.  And, she was a child of God who woke tired, sometimes feeling unready for her day, overwhelmed by all that needed to get done.

Her Father in Heaven has brought her here.  She arrived to this sweet rest and contentment walking on the road of Love--- journeying with and in God's love for her.

I had just been thinking about contentment earlier in the morning.  Reading in Hebrews 13, I was struck with the command of God to "be content with what you have".  But more than just a commandment, what struck me was the why and how answers that are found right along side the statement from our Father.  "Be content with what you have... because God has said 'Never will I leave you and never will I forsake you!' Say to yourself, the Lord is my helper;  I will not be afraid!"  (Hebrews 13:5,6).

This contentment we are commanded is found in, and only in, a trusting of God's loving Presence and His help.  It is a trust and resting in His love---a love that is forever and never leaves.

...His Presence that is always enough.  His faithfulness and steadfastness is why we... it is why I... can be content.

I can trust God enough to rest well at night.  Surrender and lay down the burdens.  Lay down the work, done and undone.  Release and let it all go.  With a thankful heart I can rest and sleep in His Presence.

And, I can trust God enough to wake to the day ready for His loving Presence to guide, strengthen, surround and sustain.  I can trust Him to give me just what I need and to never leave my side.  I can say of Him, my God is my helper!

I, too, can fall asleep this way--- and so can you.

Today's Trust

I had significant physical pain again today.

This wrestle with pain has been a life long journey for me; a path, so it seems, that my Father intends me to continue to trudge.

The actual pain isn't horrible in-and-of-it-self.  Certainly the pain isn't as bad as it has been in the past.  But when it comes, it can bring with it a heavy, dusky emotional load.  It can shadow my heart with worry and fear.

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The "what ifs" shadow can invade and surround me---blocking out bright light.  What if it gets really bad again?  What if it is something new, something worse?

This morning, the "what ifs" crashed around my heart and pushed into the corners of my mind, taking a light-filled mood and bearing down with darkness.  I felt cranky and irratible.  ...Frustrated and anxious.  One harsh snap of my mouth toward my son as we left the house made me aware--- a quick slap awake, ...somethings is not right in my heart.

On the ride to the church, I simply put my head back, closed my eyes and brought my heart to the Lord.

I am worried, Lord.  What if it gets worse? 


I want this pain to end, Father, and it isn't over...  


I am tired of this, Lord! I am afraid.  

As these thoughts tumbled out of my heart in prayer, the song from the radio spoke something very different to my soul.

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"His love is amazing.  Steady and unchanging.  His love is a mountain firm beneath my feet.  His love is surprising.  I can feel it rising.  His love is surrounding.  His love carries me."

His love surrounds and carries. 

His love...my heart began to sing along with the music.  Slowly and steadily, the raging worries ceased to pound my mind.  The "what-ifs" silenced and my heart was lifted.  Light entered my mind and I sat and listened.  And quietly, I began to sing along,  "His love is amazing!"  

Your love O Lord, reaches to the heavens.  Your faithfulness reaches to the skies. 

My gentle Father calmed my soul and quieted my mood.  Like a big, gentle hug, He wrapped His calming love around me.  Oh! How He loves me...

There was a moment of peace and then He spoke His Truth into this peace.  A loving hug was followed by a firm face-to-face truth-moment for my mind.   As if to grab my face with tender, strong hands and looking into my eyes, His Spirit spoke deep into my soul...

My well loved daughter--- Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things.  Set your heart on things above where Christ is seated at my right hand.

Trust me for today.  And, do not worry about tomorrow, Stephanie....


Oh!  How He loves me...

Can't fix me

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I feel broken.  ...out of sync.  So frustrated by my own sin, I feel the weight of guilt and shame heavy on my heart.  True and healthy Holy Spirit conviction is long gone.  Forgiveness has been asked and received from my Jesus.  But, the heaviness remains.  The guilt hangs around and lingers.   My head still hangs low...

This strategy of my enemy and the wounds of my heart work together and leave me feeling discouraged, listless and worthless.  Pulling out of the shame and walking in freedom feels intensely difficult... as if, this is the "right" place for me to be.  This place of defeat is the "right" punishment for my sin.  I must pay, it feels.  I must do something... I must fix this!

And, certainly, the Lord is finally "done" with me.  Right?
These are the ebb and flow thoughts that swirl around my mind and soul today.

Why so downcast, O my soul?  Put your hope in the Lord!  

These words fill my journal page as I wonder about the state of my heart... and how to fix it.
How to fix it??  Really, Stephanie.  Did you hear that?  I am still trying to fix it!

So, I sit.  And, I read and I take in the words of a woman who walked this road nearly 150 years ago...
"To state it in brief, I would just say that man's part is to trust and God's part is to work..."

"Only God, who created us first, can re-create us, for He alone understands the work of His own hands.  All efforts after self-creating, result in the marring of the vessel."

"Settle down on this one thing, that the Lord is able to save you fully, now, in this life, from the power and dominion of sin, and to deliver you altogether out of the hands of your enemies."

"The most difficult burden we have to carry in life is self.  Our own daily living, our frames and feelings, our especial weaknesses and temptations, our peculiar temperaments, these are the things that perplex us and worry us...  you must hand yourself to the care of God, and leave [it] there.  He made you, and therefore He understands you and knows how to manage you, and you must trust Him to do it."

This wonderful lady, Hannah Whithall Smith, writes of a parent's love toward their child.  "He loves us, loves us, and the will of love is always blessing for the it's loved one".  I read these words last night as my daughter snuggled next to me with her own book.  She can't seem to get close enough to me.  In this warm, God-timed place, I read, "the baby toils not, neither does it spin; and yet he is fed and clothed, and loved, and rejoiced in...  This life of faith consists of just this:  being a child in the Father's house."

...being a child in the Father's house.  You are my well-loved daughter, Stephanie!    

When my daughter sins, I watch with deep joy when conviction comes and I rejoice when forgiveness is asked.  It is my joy to her her repentance and my bigger joy to forgive and offer mercy to her, my sweet girl.  But, what might I feel if she would roll around in the guilt and shame of her sin for days!

I read these simple thoughts about being a child in my Father's house and I can't help but reach up and caress her hair, my daughter, as she sits next to me.  What deep grief I would feel if she wouldn't, or couldn't, leave the sin done and forgiven!  What if she wallowed in it and punished herself and didn't believe my love!

Lord Jesus, I believe that Thou art able and willing to deliver me from all the care, and unrest and bondage of my life.  I believe that Thou did st die to set me free, not only in the future, but now and here.  And, Lord, I am going to trust Thee to keep me.  I have tried keeping myself, and have failed most grievously.  I am absolutely helpless, so now I will trust Thee.  I will give myself to Thee; I keep back no reserves.  I believe I am Thine.  I believe Thou dost accept that which I present to Thee; I believe that this poor, weak, foolish heart has been taken possession of by Thee, and Thou hast even at this very moment begun to work in me to will and to do of Thy good pleasure.  I trust Thee utterly, and I trust Thee now!  ~Hannah Whithall Smith

It is man's job to trust and God's job to work.

Victorious through Him

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He carried me.  And, we conquered.
Jesus, me, and my "300 men" of energy and strength!!

Last night, as I fell into bed and plopped my head on the pillow, all I could do was smile.  A very hard day, yes.  A "done" day, yep!  But, it was a day where I talked to the Lord much, more than I had been lately.  And, it was a day I needed Him frequently all day long...
  
So, that You would rely on My strength and not your own,  Stephanie.  
  
With His strength, I got out of bed.  I did a multitude of things and made it through the day with the Lord's Presence, and only 300 men.

Sweeping the floor... asking for God's strength.
Feeling sick... asking for God's healing.
Cleaning the kitchen, folding the laundry... asking for God's Presence.
Forgiving others... asking for God's mercy.
Feeling hurt feelings... asking for God's perspective.
Schooling the children... asking for God's wisdom and energy.
Teaching a class... asking for God's Presence, His Word, His Power.

My Brother Jesus carried and strengthened.  He fought and worked.  He never grows weary!

We conquered!  Me and my 300 men... and my God!  I boast today in God's amazing strength, His endurance, His Presence and His mercy!  (Judges 7:2)  I was done yesterday.  God wasn't.  He carried and He conquered.  How do I even say Thank you, Lord.  My eyes are on You, my God!  (2 Chron. 20:12)

The tumble and fall of the urgent "more"

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Just one more pair of jeans... that should do, right?  Oh!  and...I need just one more shirt in pink, then I am done.  Just one more trip to Target.  Or, one more book.  One more album.  Or, one more app.   For everyone it is different, for sure--- but,  we feel it, don't we?  Or, am I alone here feeling the tug?  


Because, what I have is great... but it is not quite enough.   Nearly, yes.  Well, okay-yes, it is enough, of course!  And, I am thankful, Lord.  But...  but, I just need this one more thing...  


And so it goes.  The tumble and fall, the slippery slope of the "more".  There seems to be a constant urge within--- an urgent cry, a tugging, a screaming, or a quiet nag--- for "more".


In the movie, "Sabrina", Sabrina Fair reminds Linus,  "More isn't always better, Linus.  Sometimes it is just more."  Oh! The tug and the pull of the more.  One more movie, one more episode, one more email, one more blog and one more blouse.  One more chip and one more bite...  Just one more.


It isn't always better, Stephanie.  Sometimes, it just more.


Certainly this isn't a problem that only Americans have... although I do feel it keenly living here these few months, to be sure.  This is a human problem.  Across time and generations this has been a problem.  Solomon speaks to it over and over again, "Man's appetite is never satisfied". (Ecclesiastes 6:7)


To be content with exactly what I have right now and nothing more.  I need for nothing.  I have no need, no want, and no "dream" for the more.  "For godliness with contentment is great gain". (I Timothy 6:6).  My Father reminds me that there is great gain in being okay with what I have.  What blessings await me to be content with the "now" and to be happy in what I have now.  "Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work--this is a gift of God. (Ecc. 5:19)  So, He invites me not only to be "okay" with what I have, but to enjoy it.  


Lord, bless me with this enjoyment and this contentment--- these gifts from You.  


"O thou who kindly dost provide
For every creature's want!
We bless Thee, God of Nature wide,
For all Thy goodness lent:
And if it please Thee, Heavenly Guide,
May never worse be sent;
But, whether granted, or denied,
Lord, bless us with content. Amen! ~Robert Burns Grace

Ample Opportunities

photo source

They just don't seem to worry.  I watched them eat yesterday, these darling little birds--plump and singing their happy songs.  Cared for even amidst the snow and cold, these little ones don't have to be anxious.   They just eat what God has given them and go about their day. 

For me, in any given day, there are ample opportunities to worry.  From the lingering cough of a child, to the relational dynamics of family, to the laundry-pile that never ends...  each day, truly, holds enough worry of it own.  Each day there are plenty of reasons to feel anxious.  And, I do sometimes.  Do you?

Some moments, I feel this slight pain or tinge lingering in my stomach... worry...  and I have to stop and ask God, "Why am I feeling this way?"  It usually only takes a moment to pray and ponder my recent train-of-thought and it becomes clear why I am feeling just slightly queazy.  ...a passing thought of the upcoming credit card bill, a quick thought of the preparation I haven't done for that upcoming seminar, a conversation I feel insecure about...

My body can tense and feel the worry before I am emotionally aware of what my mind and heart are doing. 

Reading this morning, I was struck by the words of Christ to His disciples, "Do not be anxious". (Luke 12:22)  Just don't, He says.

Just don't do it.  Simple and sweet.

The beauty of Christ's words, though, include not only the "don't", but the "why not..."

Don't worry, He tells His friends.  Why?  Because, "He who planted the ear, does He not hear?  He who formed the eyes, does he not see?" (Psalm 94:9)  Why not worry, Stephanie?  Because, your loving, powerful Father sees and hears and knows. 

Why not be anxious, my friends?  Because, "God feeds them".  (Luke 12:24)
There is ample opportunity for worry, yes.  But, so are there a myriad of reasons to trust this One- this powerful Creator that sees, hears and knows all.  This day affords me ample opportunity to trust this One- this loving Father that clothes and feeds. 

Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.  So, seek his kingdom and these things will be added to you!  (Luke 12:31,32)

Each day gives me ample opportunities to "fear not!" and occasions "to not worry".  Each day offers me circumstances to trust, to rest and to receive from my Father's hand.   ...to eat what He provides and go about my day, even in the snow.