What is Your Kryptonite?

My kryptonite is "making mistakes" or "doing it wrong"*.

I know, to some personalities, this sounds absurd...  "We all make mistakes", you might say.  All the time everyone makes mistakes, right?  But, for me, even the smallest of mistakes can bring a shame storm of hurricane proportions which ravages my soul.

Other personalities have other kryptonite... for some its vulnerability or powerlessness.  For others, their weak spot is being misunderstood, or a broken relationship, or conflict.  My kryptonite is doing it wrong.

Like Superman, the moment I become aware of my misstep, my soul begins to writhe in pain and I struggle for strength or breath.   Like a green death rock, the mistake is chained around my neck and I can hardly think straight.  I know this sounds overly dramatic.  ...but, it really isn't.  Do you know that feeling of shame?  The hot pouring shame that makes you shake inside and out... call it embarrassment, call it guilt, call it anger (it looks so many shades of green).  Shame seems to take over, ransacking the limbic system of our brain and shutting down the prefrontal cortex that helps us to think rightly!

Whatever your kryptonite is... whatever triggers the shame for you, we all know that hot, breathless place where we either want to fight, freeze or fly away.  In the midst, you just want to disappear... "crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head... go to sleep and never wake up" (exactly how I used to describe it as a teenager).

Well, yes... I do make mistakes all the time... just like everyone else!  And recently, to add insult to injury, I have been making a lot of mistakes.  I mean, a lot.  From small, "nothing" mistakes... to pretty big, significant mistakes... I have been tripping over my own two feet for a few weeks now.

The last mistake was five keys off the right note--- singing in front of a group of people at our town's Open Mic night (another effort in my life to be brave and have fun).  We had planned the song in one key... but, printed the song sheets in a totally (5 key different!) key.  Hmmm...  Yeah, it didn't go so well, as you can imagine.

After sitting down, I could feel the hot shame-filled bucket pour over my head.  I began to shake.  Anger.  Tears welling.  I wanted to disappear... run away, hide under that table.  All I could think was "Never again!!"  Never. Never. Again.  I won't put myself in this position again.  THIS is what brave brings! Never!

The storm lasted in and out through the whole evening, following me into my restless sleeping.  Tossing in the night, I would awake and literally put my hands over my face--- hiding from whom exactly?!?  Myself.  God?    Tossing and turning, I would groan.

I do understand that for some of you reading this, you may think it a bit odd...  why would the wrong note sung in a song bring such pain?  But, weren't we all a bit confused and watched in disbelief when Lex Luthor would chain up Superman with a green rock!  What?  Come on, Superman, it's just a glowing green rock!

Remember, mistakes are my kryptonite.

In the midst of it all, and through the whole night, here and there I also became aware of a still, very small voice that whispered an invitation.  I remember barely hearing its faint words... and almost completely ignoring it... just as I sat down.  After the song finished and I sat---right as the bucket of shame splashed around me at the table when I sat down, I heard it.  It was so quiet.  Almost in the distance...

A still small whisper...  There is another way.  

Stephanie, there is another way.

As I have been prayerfully processing my weeks of wrongs and my discomfort, I have been asking Father about this other way.  Is it another way to sit in or feel shame?  Is it another way to respond entirely to mistakes or doing wrong?  What is the other way, Lord?  

I am certain the answer isn't that I won't have kryptonite----or any weakness.  (Although that would be fabulous!)  For, I know, in my weakness, He is strong!  So, nope... perfection isn't an option.  (Dang it!)

Now, I am asking God to continue to show me the other way of reacting or a new way of seeing Mr. Luthor... What is the other way, Lord, while the kryptonite is being chained around my neck? 

Just for fun... have a gander at the clip of old---bring back childhood memories:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkSaAhbceBk



*For those who know the Enneagram tool, I am a One.  

A Lil' Sentence Does a Whole Lot of Good

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It didn't feel inappropriate or untoward.

It did surprise me, though.  It caught me off guard.

An older man, slightly humped and bald with wisps of grey hair around his ears walked passed me... maybe we was nearing 80 years old?

When we passed on the sidewalk, I smiled at him.  His face immediately lit up---bright and beautiful--- he seemed to grow younger by 20 years.  As he looked up he immediately said, "Well, you are the prettiest thing I have seen today!"

I literally felt the shock of his words and quickly replied, "Thank you, you are very sweet!"  Then we went about our day...  Me moving forward, the gentleman walking the other way.

Our paths crossed for only a moment.

In the first moments after we passed I prayerfully wondered if his comment was inappropriate.  In our current world---which is over-sensual and over-sexualized; with such an emphasis placed on outward appearance---was this wrong for him to say such a thing to a stranger?   I wasn't sure.

But, a few steps further down the road and I could literally feel myself walking taller and with more confidence.  I felt younger, too.  A bit of the child in me seemed touched and maybe even dancing.  The strength and energy in my stride caught my attention.  How had one little sentence brought such a significant subconscious response from my heart, my body... my very being?

It is hard to estimate and count what this little, kind compliment did for my soul.

I kept prayerfully wondering... watching my thoughts with curiosity...  A few steps further down my path, I pondered if this was my ugly-sided vanity rearing it's head.   Could be.  But, this felt different.  This felt purer.  This felt sweet.  Who can know their own heart, truly?  (Jeremiah 17:9)  Only God knows.

As I prayed, though, and walked a few steps further... I had a simple thought:  Words are powerful.

This man crossed my path for one very short moment.  And, his words had power.  They impacted me before I could 'think'.  His words had taken affect before my conscious mind was even aware.  My response to his sentence was something to 'look back on' and wonder about.  His words had a distinctly positive and uplifting impact.   At least, it felt positive.

What might my words do today?  What might I say to my husband, my son or my daughter?  What might I say to my neighbor or the stranger at the store?  Can I use my mouth to bring about blessing!?  Can I lift someone's head and help them to walk just a little bit taller?

It didn't cost that man anything to compliment me.  In fact, I would venture, from the look on his face, that it befitted his soul to offer me that rose.  He moved onward a bit taller, too. 

Lord, use me to bolster and to bless!  Father, help my mouth... all I say...to be used to raise up and to lift.  Fill me with Your Spirit, Your love and Your thoughts about this beautiful world and the beauty that fills each face.  "For out of the same mouths come blessing and cursing, brothers... it should not be!" (James 3:10)

Sleep Walking

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I fall asleep so quickly...

I slumber and slip into numbness with the simple tasks of cooking, cleaning, teaching my children and walking to the store...  I slip into a state of "to-do" and "task-girl".   I slide into automatic.   Do you ever do this?  Like a dishwasher, just push the "start" button on Stephanie and off I go... working without much thought or "life" or awareness.  Almost inanimate.

I think Jesus is inviting me to something more... a life lived more alive.  More awake.

"Be dressed and ready", He has been saying.  (Luke 12:35)

"Stay alert, watchful and awake", He has been speaking to my soul. (1 Peter 5:8)  Not words of condemnation, but these have been words of invitation and wisdom.

I have more for you, Stephanie.

I went away on a three day spiritual retreat this week.  What a joy!   The beauty of silence, solitude and pulling away are always balm to my soul.  Curled up in the comfy easy-chair in my friend's living room, I sat with my journal, my Bible and my pens...  "What is it you want to do with our time, Jesus?"  I asked and waited.

Go outside and take a walk into town.

What?

The quiet words wafted across my mind.  Go outside.  Take a walk into town.   "What, Lord? Go outside?  Take a walk into town?"  No, that can't possibly be from God.

So, I asked Him again.

Silence.

Twenty minutes later (after explaining to God all the reasons why I shouldn't be doing "this" on my pull-away-quiet-solitude spiritual retreat!) the invitation still hung in the air of my soul.  It was like the words just waited patiently for a response.  Go outside and walk into town.  

So, I put on my shoes and my coat and took a step outside.   Crisp cool air hit my face and woke me up.

I have more for you, Stephanie.  Be awake and alert.  Be watchful.  

I walked up into town with an obedient heart.  I was so alive in those moments.  Awake and aware.    Extra aware, extra sensitive.  I was listening.  What was it He had for me?  Why would He ask me to do this?  Who, Lord?  What is it, Lord Jesus?  Show me?  Teach me...  Lord, I want to walk into town with you.

I walked into town with Jesus that day... In those sweet moments, I was so very awake.  I felt alive.  From the beginning until the end of my walk, I felt that I "saw" everyone, smelled everything and heard all.  I noticed each soul and prayed my way through the town.  I was waiting and watching and listening... What do you have for me, Lord Jesus?  My heart was asking.

I have this..  

I have this awareness, Stephanie.  Awakeness.  Surrendered-obedient-anticipating-adventuring-aware-awakeness.  Learn to walk through all of your life in this way, my daughter.  

Because... I fall asleep so easily.

A Painful Conversation

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But you see, Lord...  I was supposed to be perfect yesterday.      

Silly thought?  Maybe.  But certainly my thought---my honest and deep thought ---that rose to the surface as I wrestled with a new health issue in my life that reared it's ugly head last night.

Anger, mixed with sadness.  Frustration, mixed-up with worry and fear.  ...my heart cried out to the Lord!

I am supposed to be well.  All better.  
I am supposed to be done with pain and suffering!  
I want health!  I want well-being.  I want to be strong.

...for you...  for your glory ...  Even as I thought it, there was a 'check' in my spirit.

As I prayed this prayer through tears, a gentle response wafted across my mind.  For Me?...  Really, Stephanie?  You want perfection for Me?

And then came a wordless impression that accompanied the tender question:  Do you want my best for you?  My best----  

His best.   After a 25 year journey through pain that was (mostly) healed with an operation June 2011, I have learned that sometime His best... His deep, loving, expansive best... comes through and in pain.  Pain is not a bad thing in-and-of-itself, I have learned.   Pain can be a gift.  God's best for me here on earth can include pain and suffering.  Like a wise gardener knows, pain can be pruning... and a tender cutting back---that looks to the outside as ruthless hacking!

Do you trust my boundless love for you?  Do you want my best for you, in you?  For My glory?  My glory in you, through you, for you?   

And, I cried some more.  And He met me with peace.

I want to be perfect, Lord.  I hate being weak and vulnerable.   I feel so afraid when I am weak and sick.  I hate being the "sick one".   I want to be the "well-one" for once!  

I know, Stephanie...  

Oh Father!  But, this might not be for today...  Right? Father, maybe this desire for perfection is not for the now.  Or, at least, not for today.  

My strength is made perfect in your weakness, my sweet girl.  

Your strength...  Your perfection, Lord.  Oh!  I have so much yet to learn about You.  ...

There are many, many things I know in my head.  Things I can write here or preach next week at Bible study.  True things.  Right things.  Some of these things I know well in my heart, too.  He has brought them home to me and they sit in my gut---informing my days with peace and wisdom.

But there are other things... other Truths... , many other True things that are harder to swallow depending on the day.  Depending on the hour.

I still have trouble seeing You, knowing Your Presence, in the midst of pain, Father.  

Yes, ...yes, you do, Stephanie...

So, I ... have further to go in this lesson...  higher up, deeper in.  I do want Your best.  I do trust Your loving hand.  

...And, surrender did come this morning.  Real, deep, honest surrender to His Love and His best did happen in my heart.  This surrender, too, was a moment of His grace...  

Because, My grace is sufficient for You, Stephanie (2 Corinthians 12:9,10)

It is never easy.

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It never is easy.

To forgive.

When the pain has been real, and hard, and deep... it is never easy to forgive.

My sweet girl is learning.  And, so am I---alongside her.

"I don't know if I am ready to forgive her", she responded with tears.  She was responding to my question, "Can I help you? Can I help you forgive her?"

...if I am ready.  When are we ever really ready to let it go and to lay it down?  Are you ready?

Sometimes we just have to choose.  And, that is never easy.

"But she hurt me...", she explained, not protesting as much as asking me to understand.

"Yes," I replied, "if I was in your shoes, I would be hurt too."

Forgiveness isn't needed unless it has hurt.  Forgiveness is only really necessary if injustice has been done.  Where there is wrath and judgment rightly earned, there and only there is forgiveness really forgiveness at all.

I think, as Christians, we push too many of these hurts under-the-carpet of "brotherly love".  "It isn't really that big of deal", we might say.  Or, "they didn't mean it".  Or, "I am just being over sensitive."  In this, we don't actually forgive bad behavior, instead we ignore it or excuse it.  Which would be a great tactic if it worked.  But, it doesn't.  We push it under-the-carpet and then it actually grows mold, stench and bitter roots under our carpets.  These things---even these little things--- must be acknowledged.  ...before God.

I am not talking confrontation here.  I am talking about acknowledgement---to the One who does "get-it" and the One who is perfect!

So, she did it.

My sweet girl.  She told God that she had been hurt.  She told God that what this girl had done had been painful and wrong.  ...even if this girl was totally unaware.  How common is that true?  Most those hurts we push under the carpet are hurts that the perpetrator doesn't even know they have done.  ...but, they still hurt.

Those sticks.  Those stones.  And, those words have hurt.

And, they can be forgiven.  And, they can be covered by brotherly love!  But, they need to be acknowledged and held up before the Lord of the Universe who sees all.

She told God how she felt.  And, then we asked the Holy Spirit to show her what He thought about the situation.  We asked the Holy Spirit what He would say about them... both girls... both she and her friend.  What did He think?  And, with revelation came peace and compassion.  With His Voice came release and the ability to forgive.  To bless.

We ended our prayer time with my girl initiating blessing over this friend.  "I bless her, Jesus.  Pour out Your blessing on her, I ask."

And, the heavy hurt was lifted.

It still makes her stomach churn just a bit when she thinks of it, she said to me today.  Of course it does, my girl.  Of course, it does!

But, keep blessing.  ...keep asking for His blessing on this friend's life.  And, though it isn't easy.
It is good.  It is very good.

To forgive.

Crashing Lies... calming Truth

Sometimes a lie comes crashing into my heart.

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Sometimes my mind is flooded with doubts and lies--the stream of accusation sending me on a distracted journey into guilt---a dangerous terrain.

This morning a lie crashed in and tried it's best to carry me away.  Today it was, "Your not doing enough".

  ..."not enough" hissed through the beginnings of my quiet time with the Lord.

I wrestled with these words, these thoughts.  Just before I was swept away, I uttered a slight quiet prayer, something like "Lord have mercy on me"... but coming forth from my lips as a deep sigh and an "ugh!!"

In response, I instantly felt prompted to pick up His Word and read.  Read truth.

As I opened God's Word, light streamed in and the noisy lies ceased.  As if a direct answer to the streaming lie, I read, "Jesus gave them this answer:  I  tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can only do what he sees the Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.  For the Father loves the Son and shows Him all He is doing."  (John 5:19)

Jesus was being accused by the Jews.  Lies crashed all around him.  They didn't like what He was doing or who He was.  They accused Him and tried to destroy Him. (John 5:18). In response to the accusation, he answered  them with the simplicity of His relationship to the Father.  He pointed to the Father.  And, He pointed to His actions as an extension of the Father's will.

He rested in the security of doing what the Father wanted Him to do.  Case closed.  End of story.

I have an accuser.  And, this accuser speaks only one language:  lies.  Lying is his mother-tongue.  Jesus always answered accusation with Truth.  He always speaks truth.

Now, granted, Jesus was much better than I at knowing the Father's will and His desires.   His clarity and discernment were unhindered by sin. Certainly sin and self often hinder my ability to know what the Father would have me do.  And yet.

And yet...  I am His.  I am asking.  And, I am attempting to listen, to follow and to do.  Failures and all...

...it is the deepest desire of my heart to do the Father's will.  I long, Father, to join You and to walk with You and do exactly what you would have me do today!  

So, when the "not enough" lie pummels my mind again, I will answer it with the truth that, Stephanie can do nothing by herself.  She can only do what she sees the Father doing!  And, her Father loves her and will show her what to do today.  
  
And, truth calms the crashing lies.

Eternity Whispered

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There has been a quiet, misty-something happening within me lately.  I don't have great words for it.  It has been a soft whisper.  I have been barely able to hear what is being said...  deep within.

On Sunday, as I listened to God's Word being honored, taught and spoken from, I was reminded by His Spirit of the hope I have in Him alone (Hebrews 6:19).  As my brother shared his heart with the Body, there was a moment when the almost-silent, barely distinguishable Message slightly raised in volume and seemed to say to my soul:  Eternity.

Words that I hadn't been able to grasp for days... a theme rising.

Eternity, Stephanie.  
  
You see, I am a very temporary-minded girl.  Are you?  Today's dishes and laundry.  Today's plans and excursions.  Today's food and today's clothes. Today's ideas and to-dos.  Today's worries and excitements.  When tomorrow is thought about, it is still very earth bound and temporary in nature.  Tomorrow's dishes and laundry.  Tomorrows meals.  Plans.  Ideas.  and To-dos.  Tomorrow's worries and fears and excitements.  
  
He seems to be breathing something within me to remind my heart of tomorrow's tomorrow, somewhere beyond the temporary and earth bound thoughts...  He whispers an invitation to my heart to raise it's eyes and seek the light of a place with awe-filled hope and brimming contentment.  A place of beauty and rest.  A place of no tears, no pain and no worries.  No sin.
  
A place beyond me, beyond my ideas, my dreams or my excitements.  ...Eternity.
  
Look up and look out, Stephanie.  Gaze into eternity.  It begins today and looks forward to tomorrow---and tomorrow's tomorrow.  
  
Can you catch a glimpse of it's beginning today?  Can you just see it there in the distance, just around the corner... not far now, my friends.  Not far now.

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."  ~C.S.Lewis

God's Big Work

My Big God works in small, unseen places.  Quiet corners, dusty rooms, and dark valleys... He shows up.

We often attribute, expect, or imagine, God to show up in "big" ways.  But, instead, He whispers and He nudges.  He prods and He caresses with the tenderness of a mother.  This big God shows up in small ways...

What is the real definition of "big" anyway?

When people who love God tell me they don't hear the Spirit's voice regularly, I just assume... I am quite certain, actually... that they simply need to change their definition of His voice.  Often, we think it should look this way...  the thunder, the lightening, the earthquake and the wind; but, instead, He whispers.  Or, when we do "hear" Him, we call it something else, or don't understand what we are hearing (Act 22:9).  We call His whispers, His nudges something else ... "the sermon", the friend's "words", or the "worship song", or the book I am reading, or my child's probing questions.  Could these, too, be Him nudging, His voice?  Could this be His tender voice hidden in small places, those quiet corners?

My life is small.  ...very small, actually.  I am an ordinary person, with every-day struggles.   But, He shows up every day in small places-- my small places.

He whispers His love into dark, dusty corners.  He did this in me.  He keeps doing this in me.  He entered in and now He keeps expanding me.  He is making me big.  He enlarges my soul and my mind.  He equips me to be something way-beyond, exceedingly beyond, ordinary!  He makes me His girl, His daughter!  In Him, I have become a daughter of the King of Heaven.

Every day He sees me and adores me and speaks to me in this quiet little town, while I sit in my small armchair, thinking my random, tiny thoughts...

...one of my small places...

He sees you, too.  In your small place...

When I intercede for big places, ...Afghanistan, India, China, or America...  I like to imagine my Father at work in those small places.  ...I like to imagine His Spirit whispering kindly into those tiny, ordinary, unseen people.  I like to ask Him to show up in that widow's dirty, cluttered living room.  Or, that tavern.  Or, that sweat shop--- in that hard working man, or ill-treated child.  Or, that dusty, small corner apartment bedroom, work cubical or classroom.  I believe He is whispering under that black veil, into the heart of that small woman drinking tea.

I believe He sees.  He is the God who sees these people. (Genesis 16:13) And, this is where my God does His biggest work...

...unseen places.

Would I notice?

If God were trying to tell me something, would I know?  

If God were reassuring me or challenging me, would I notice? 

I ask for grace to be free of my own preoccupations and open to what God may be saying to me.  

(from sacred space)

Would I notice?  It is a good question.  And, I ask myself tonight... If God were speaking to me, would I notice?  

I remember reading Dallas Willard's, Hearing God and being beautifully challenged with the idea that often times we miss God's speaking because we haven't tuned our ears to hear His voice.  We define God "speaking" in this way, or that way, and in doing so... we sometimes miss Him.  Defining God's "voice" accurately is important!  

I loved Willard's explanation that God has a "tone of voice" I need to learn.  He has a way about Him, a way He speaks, a rhythm and pattern...  I read Willard's Hearing God while in the midst of learning the Turkish language.  Learning a language is never an easy feat, to be sure.  And, I remember realizing that, in the same way, maybe learning God's voice was not all that easy either.  ...maybe I had to work at it just a bit.

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Re-defining what God's voice sounds like is a major aspect of learning to hear Him!  But, being aware that He is speaking and Present at all times is half the battle.  

Awareness is key.  

Having learned a few languages in part; I know, also, that you never really become fully and completely "fluent".  I used to internally chuckle at the question put to me in the States, "So are you fluent yet?"  According to any linguistic studies done, fluency as an adult will never be achieved.  

Mastery of certain aspects of language, yes.  Language competency and proficiency, yes!  But, fluency, no.  There are always more vocabulary words to know and learn.  There are always more subtle aspects of language left to be understood:  deep (behind words) meaning, emotional connotations, idioms, phrases, and humor.   We simply can not fully grasp all that goes with a language that is not our "heart language" (that which our mothers first spoke to us).  
Actually, in reality, I am not yet fluent in English!  (wouldn't that be a fun response to the fluency question?)

So, there is much freedom in simply learning the next thing.  Just learn that new vocab word, that new idom, that new joke...
   
...learning a bit more today than I knew yesterday.  There is much freedom in moving forward, step-by-step, in language learning:  our learning of Turkish and of God's voice.  

I want proficiency when it comes to hearing God.  I want to master His Word, His Voice, and His Truth.  This is my goal.  

This will take some work--- exposing myself to His Word, memorizing His Word, practicing His Truth.  But, being aware that He is always speaking is half the battle.  I have got to notice Him...  And, this takes much grace and openness.  This takes deep surrender and asking for His help!  

I remember so many times sitting in a room full of Turkish ladies while I was totally "checked-out".  I was catching so little of the chatter, that my brain took a break (while my face said, "I am listening").  With so much noise... so many voices filling the room,...I couldn't focus on the one sitting next to me.  I just had to check out!  

How often do I do this to God?  How often do other voices and noises crowd out God's voice?  How often do I feel overwhelmed and miss Him?  ...How often do I "look" as if I am listening, looking for, or wanting God's voice in my life--- when actually I am "checked-out" thinking about the dishes, the laundry, the book I was reading, the hurt I am feeling or the clothes she is wearing.  

If God were trying to tell me something, would I know?

If God were reassuring me or challenging me, would I notice?
I ask for the grace to be free of my own preoccupations, and open to what God may be saying to me.

Psalm 27:8  My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk with me." And, my heart responds, "Lord I am coming" 

A picture for me

So, he got this "picture" for me.

I don't get pictures. I more normally hear God's voice through His written Word or a "sense" of His voice "saying" something. A word, a nudge ...or more usually just an idea, or a thought comes to my mind and it feels "from the Spirit"-- not from me. Once in a while, I just simply "know" something that I wouldn't-or shouldn't know. Is this just Wisdom? I don't know. I am learning.

Learning to hear God's voice is such a journey; like learning any new language. It takes a long time. It takes a lot of practice, a lot of time, and a lot of gumption! And, my friend had gumption enough to share his picture with me.

I don't come from a charismatic-friendly church background. "Hearing from God" was a, sometimes stated, but always believed, "no-no". Certainly we weren't encouraged to look for God outside of the Bible. But, I can't adhere to that way of thinking anymore. And, actually, most of the leaders who led me at that time don't either. I am finding in my journey with Father God, maker of Heaven and Earth, Father of my Lord Jesus Christ; that He can do and act and speak just as He pleases. And, He is very creative! God's creativeness extends beyond the reading of His written Word! (and let me be very clear how important--essential, foundational, centering, and unquestionable--I believe God's written Word (the Holy Bible) is to His people!! I do.)

Jesus, Himself, was the "alive" Word of God. ...not written! Jesus was the Logos, the Word-became-flesh-God! He was breathing, living, active and speaking... And, Christ told us that we also get the amazing gift of the Spirit (again,an alive! and active! person) who will "lead us into all Truth" (John 14:26).

He does speak today. ...all the time. ...and in so many ways!

It is the learning curve of listening and hearing that makes it difficult. We, rightly so, shy away from the classic-'thus-saith-the-Lord' approach; because, frankly, that is scary stuff. Even dangerous! And, one must be very, very certain that the Lord is 'thus-saying-it' to be so bold. I don't find myself with that much confidence very often at all. Sometimes, I suppose, I do. Sometimes it feels that clear to me. Usually, though, in those confident cases... I feel Him speaking that clearly to me ...about me. So, I can more boldly say to myself, 'thus saith the Lord!' and feel on safer ground.

Okay, enough of the theological rambling on the voice of God! I was writing about my friend's picture.

So, he got a picture for me.

He was slightly timid (which is not his nature), or maybe a bit shy, in sharing it ...which again may be wisdom at work. I don't know. But, he took to heart what he "saw" and "heard", he had hid it away for a day, and then he just had to share with me.

And, I am so glad he did!

On the Tuesday before my surgery (which I am recovering from right now!!), I wrote briefly about the journey through Psalm 139 that Father had been taking me. Father had been sweetly reminding me that He knew me intimately. He had been whispering into my heart, day-after-day, that I was "hemmed-in". In fact, the words "hemmed-in" had so vividly jumped off the page that I had to sit and research what they meant in the original language written. I don't use the words hemmed-in pretty much ever in my every-day speech, do you?

It was a sweet gift from my Father to remind me that He was squeezing me in a protective hug. He was before me and behind me.

On Wednesday, my friend gently shared a picture with me that he did not understand. He thought, in fact, it seemed a bit silly. Odd. He had been praying for me on Tuesday morning and had "received" this image in his mind-eye while praying... and it was accompanied with a few words he didn't really get either. He didn't share it right away on Tuesday. But, on Wednesday, he did.

...he hadn't read my blog post on Psalm 139. And, I had not shared with him my Psalm 139 journey of late.

He had seen me lying in a little, tight, (almost uncomfortably small) green field with little yellow flowers. I was laying there peacefully with a white picket fence surrounding me. That was the picture. Simple. A bit odd. But, he felt it was maybe from God.

The minute he began to describe the picture... the very minute... the words popped into my mind, "Hemmed-in!". I knew God had given him that picture. It was the perfect picture! And, tears began to well in my eyes.

To top-it-off, my friend then said, "And, I had words with the picture". But, he was giggling just a bit... because the words made no sense to him at all. He just knew he had to say them. He said, "the picture came with the words: 'hemmed-in, behind and before'.

Pause. After he spoke the words, a Big, Silent, Holy Pause filled the room as tears filled my eyes.

Did you hear that? Did God just do that? For me?!!

Father had tenderly spoken words of peace to me for days. (I had written that very verse "hemmed in, behind and before" in my journal some three separate times that week!) And, then, just to be VERY clear with His message to me, Father spoke the very same words with a beautiful, peaceful picture to my friend.

Oh, Father you wanted me to know... to really know... that You were holding me, surrounding me, besieging me with Love!

The day of the surgery and the following few days after I needed these words and this picture. The picture and the words floated around my mind and my body for days. This concept of my being "hemmed-in" encircled me. What a gift!

He is alive and active, this beautiful-awesome God we love, we serve and we worship! He speaks. He knows. He speaks!!

I believe God spoke and my friend saw this picture for me. And I am so glad he did.

Talking Creation

The heavens talk about God. They pour forth, gush speech. The "are telling" it says in Psalm 19:1 about God's glory.

I was so moved this morning when I read these words, as they jumped off the page and struck my heart with good, healthy slap!

The heavens talk. They declare. They recount and chat about the Glory of God. His Creation speaks.

And they speak not just once... not just every now and again. But, (v.2) "day after day" they pour forth speech. Day after day they utter, they whisper and they tell about His Glory. Night after night they tell about what they know! They boast about God and talk, and talk, and talk about Him.

And, heaven's words, Creation's speech, is not hard to understand. It isn't a foreign language that is difficult to learn or to take in. It is simple. It is profound, but simple. To every tribe, tongue and nation this speech goes forth. (v.3,4)

What does it say about Him and His glory?

What do the stars utter? What does the sun say? What does the wind and the rain recount? What is it that the planets are saying and what do the flowers whisper?

Jesus tells us to "consider the ravens" and to "watch the lilies". Look at them, He says. Think on them. Watch and listen... they speak.

So, this week when a fully arched rainbow appeared over my town and my neighbors commented and noticed in awe...I considered this! What do the rainbows say about God and His glory?! ... for the heaven's declare the glory of the Lord!

Bread thoughts distract

Rushing in like the quick rising tide come the thoughts that distract...

...what should I make for dinner, oops, I forgot to pull the chicken out to thaw? Or, I wonder if those new pair of jeans I just ordered will fit?... Or I think the I just heard the washer finish, time to hang the laundry... or ... "better yet" I just can't seem to loose any weight... I really need to start watching what I eat... or.... I wonder what *she* meant when she said that?

All these "earthy" thoughts and so many more come rushing in... unexpected and yet un-deflected. They each rush in, take a seat and then stay awhile in my mind as I muse and ponder them during my "time with the Lord".

I am so bound to this earth. Wean me, Lord, from this earth... I prayed a few months back.

And yet, I remain so attached, so engulfed, so amused, and so drawn-in to the things of this earth.

On one level, I must. I live here. I cook. I clean. I eat. I sin. I interact with other humans all day long. And, I pound the pavement of this earthy-place day-in and day-out.

But attached? Must I be. Engulfed by? Must it be this way? Must my mind be taken away from prayer, from worship, and from contemplation by the thought of a pair of jeans. ... Must it be this way?!

The Spirit of God brought me to a passage in His Word today. Again, nothing new. But today I believe it was a fresh word from His heart to mine. As I struggled through the distracting thoughts of today... I remembered Jesus' words I had read last week. In speaking to His disciples in Jesus says, "Why are you talking about having no bread? Do you still not see or understand? Are your hearts hardened?... and don't you remember?" (Mark 8)

The disciples are in the boat with Jesus... ("their quiet time!" if you will). And, He attempts to teach them a heart-lesson, an important spiritual truth, "Be careful. Watch out for the yeast of the Pharisees" (v. 15)

Immediately upon hearing His words, their minds go to the physical, the seen, the earth. ..."It is because we have no bread", they think... they worry, they wonder. Like Jesus is really that worried that they forgot the bread!! Or, like Jesus is really that worried about the few pounds I have put on, the chicken thawing, or the jeans that are in the mail. Why? Jesus asks them. Why? ...are you talking about bread!?

Why? Why, Stephanie, are you worrying about dinner or thinking about laundry. The laundry will be with you always but we have this moment together!! The jeans will fray and rot. Any food will do to fill your bellies! Why? ...Stephanie, why sweet one, are you still talking about bread?!

They missed the moment with Jesus on the boat. How many moments do I miss with Jesus? They missed what He was trying to teach them. Oh, my sweet Jesus, I don't want to miss your teaching moments.

I know my Father cares for all aspects of my life. I know He is thrilled when I talk to Him throughout my day about dinner dishes, laundry, and the flowers blooming in my yard. I believe this is key to my relationship with Him. BUT, there are times to sit and listen. Stop and focus. There are times to be quiet. "on your bed at night search your heart and be silent" (Psalm 4)

Silence those wandering thoughts, Stephanie, and don't miss what I want to show you here and now. Don't miss your time in the boat with me. Fix your eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. Stop for a minute and look at what is eternal, not the temporary (2 Corin. 4:18). Don't you understand? Jesus says to my heart today. Don't you remember?

Spirit of God, when those distracting thoughts, those earthy things, come rushing in... Oh Father, teach me to stop and listen. I don't want to talk about bread anymore!! I want to remember you feed the five thousand!! Turn the tide of thoughts and guard me from the flood. Teach me to focus and the hear You. Remind me of Truth and help me to understand! I don't want to miss those sweet, stolen moments with You in the boat.

You said

I needed to hear what the Father was saying to me. I needed time away. My daughter said, in a half-joking manner, "Mom, you need a spiritual retreat!" I truly cringe sometimes when she says things like that (true or not). A real part of me doesn't want her to grow up thinking her mom was weak... and, yet, well... I am weak. I know that. And, I suppose (though it pokes at my pride) her knowing my weakness it is not so bad--- especially when she knows the solution is a few days away with the Lord.

So, I went away for a two day spiritual retreat. It had been planned for months... time set aside this week for me. ...next week for my husband. In attempting to describe my time away, my sweet daughter told our neighbor I went on a vacation with God. ...a long weekend away with my Father! And, that is exactly what I did.

I slept a lot. I prayed a lot. I sat and thought. I wrote. I stared into space. I worshipped. I walked. I sat. I thought. I prayed. I just was ...all with Him.

It is amazing what comes bubblin' up from the soul when given space, time, and quiet. Often times when I take these retreats away, I start with a "review" of sorts. What has God been whispering lately? What are the themes? What is repeated in my journal these past few months? And, that is where I usually start. ...a good starting point, I find.

And then I attempt to talk with the Father about these things in more depth. I sit and think. I ask and pray. I listen and read. I write.

The few days were full... and sweet... and powerful.

One thing that seemed to happen about half way through my two day retreat, was a "chorus" of sorts that was streaming through my heart and mind of things--- True things--- God had said or has been saying to me for a long while now. Truths that I have heard for years. Truths I needed to hear again.

I wrote, "You said" at the top of my journal page... followed by two pages of Truth that He has spoken over me, in personal whispers from His Spirit and through His Word. The more I wrote down the Truth, the more Truth flowed. It was like fuel for a fire or water for thirst.

Our God is constantly speaking. His Word spoke creation into being, His Word became flesh, His Word is living and active, and His Word lives in me today. His Spirit leads me into all Truth and He desires Truth to reign in my inner being. This is One thing, one of the many things, He is constantly "at work" doing. He is speaking. ... speaking and repeating Himself, over and over again.

I am so glad He reminded me again of His Words of Truth and Life. I want to listen more to what He says. I need to hear what the Father has to say to me.

Difficult Decisions

Sometimes you just have to say "no". ...not because you want to. ...not because it feels right, but because you know it IS right.

And, sometimes that "no" will be misunderstood, judged, or cause pain and offense. Those are the hardest "nos" (and yeses, for that matter!) for me. The misunderstood ones... The judged ones... and the offensive ones. I like to please people and I love being pleasing to people.

C.S. Lewis writes, "The natural life in each of us is something self-centred, something that wants to be petted and admired..." I like to be admired and petted. And, often times, my world is all-about-me. When I am worrying about offending, rather than doing what is right... that is when I am being self-centered. I can call my "yeses" spiritual... and give them nice spiritual names like "service" and "sacrifice" and "sensitivity". But... if I am honest, my worry about offense or pain is not entirely (and not even a lot) about the other person... it is about me. I worry what they will think of me when I say no. And, if I say "no" I am pretty certain the thoughts won't be grand, or pleasing. Interestingly enough, many of my yeses that are motivated by this self-focused attitude often go undetected ... until I am exhausted, annoyed and spent (beyond God-given capacity) and then I wonder, "Why am I so tired?!"

Jesus said "no" a lot. He said "yes" often, too, of course. Good boundaries are not about saying "no" or about being un-busy. People who call selfishness "boundaries" are just selfish. That isn't it either. It isn't about a name-game... to convince ourselves or others. It isn't about calling our decisions by names other than they are... "service, sacrifices" or "boundaries and balance".

Good boundaries are about doing what God would have me do-- nothing more and nothing less. There is something in this idea that I need to learn, that I am desperate to learn...

Jesus said to them, "My Father is always at his work to this very day, and I, too, am working." Jesus gave them this answer: "I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son alsodoes." (John 5:17)

So, I have to see and hear My Father at work. May He train my eyes to see this!
I must listen and watch my Savior as He works. May He train my ears to hear!
I must know His voice and discern the movements of His Spirit. May He train my mind, my heart, my soul to interpret this movement!

Difficult decisions are made well after difficult lessons and training. I have so much to learn. What is the Father doing... what would He have me do to join Him?

Because... I know that sometimes you just have to say "no". It doesn't feel right. You don't want to, ...but you know it just IS right.

Talkin with dad

My kids really love talking with their dad. They like to discuss thing with me, too. But, there seems to be something very special, and very unique, about their conversations with their father. It might be because he can answer a lot of their questions, he banters with them, pokes and probes with them, and always adds levity to any subject... they just love a dialogue with him.

Recently, each morning, my husband has been starting his day with a half hour of reading to the kids from Scripture and then they discuss together... "what jumped out at you from this passage?" They love this! It is almost funny to watch. It is almost like they "feel grown-up" to be having this intellectual conversation with Daddy. They truly attempt to engage him in an almost adult-like mimic.

They ask. They probe. The make grand theological statements about God's love, man's sin and Satan. They share their feelings and they make all sorts of connections---sweet insights from their childish minds. "This is like the time when I lied and felt really bad.... Do you think Abraham felt bad when he lied? Why did he lie? Was it really a lie, Daddy? Sarah was his brother... sort-of!?... Is it always bad to lie?" ----and the conversation continues through and over the breakfast table.

They just love to talk. But, it seems more than them loving just to hear their own voice. They aren't just talking for vocalize their opinions. They love to talk with him. It is the engagement they seem to love. They love the banter and the questions he asks them. He asks. He probes. He shares his feelings and his insight.

This. This is what I want with my Heavenly Father. I want to continue to learn to talk to Him and with Him. I want to ask and to probe. I want to share my feelings. I want to engage with Him and hear from Him. I want Him to ask of me, to poke, and to share His feelings and thoughts with me. I want to talk with my Father... I want to converse with my Daddy.

O Father, please keep teaching me this. Attune my heart, my mind, my ears, and my eyes to you! Please engage me and keep my heart soft to hearing You. I want to know You more and to know Your voice. I want to talk with You, my Father.

There is not in the world a kind of life more sweet and delightful than that of a continual conversation with God. - Brother Lawrence

The Skylark

Yesterday we were introduced to the skylark. He rises up above the nest he has built on the ground, hidden and safe, and into the sky he flies. High up, he hovers over his nest and sings a beautiful song. His song is meant to attract a mate... he is saying to anyone who can hear him, "Aren't I beautiful! Look at me! Look at me!" Over his prepared nest below he calls out to his beloved, "Come, I have a place for you! I made a nest for you!" He sings and hovers high. And his song truly beautiful. Right now I am listening to one of my favorite piano soloists (Kevin Kern) and his songs, beautiful in their own right, can not compete to the lively, sing-songy, bright song of the skylark.

Today on our prayer walk we heard the skylark. We heard his song high above us. Like a beautiful piano solo, the skylark sang with boldness and confidence. We stopped. We listened. "There he is!", my husband said. "The skylark!" Oh, we now know his song! We stopped and looked. With crooked necks, and shaded eyes, we looked into the blue sky hoping to spot him in flight. His song melodically continued, filling the whole field with music. We knew he was near. ...Maybe he was right above us! But, try as we might, we could not find him in the sky. He was there... we heard his music, but we couldn't see him.

I need to stop and listen more. I need to learn the song of my Lord... listen for it, stop, look and hope to see Him. More and more, Lord. You, Father God, cry out, "Look at me! Aren't I beautiful!" I am here, you say, even if you can't see me. Listen for me, you say. Come, find me, I have a place for you! Look. Listen for my voice, you say. Oh, Father, teach me Your song.

A familiar but unknown language

I don't always know what He is trying to say to me. God speaks in a familiar language... but, with tones, vocabulary and an accent that is still unknown.

God's word tells me that His people know His voice. The Word assures me that His kids will hear Him and listen obediently. "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me". (John 10:27) I believe that He intends us to hear Him in many ways.

In the recent years, my idea of what this might look like has expanded and for this I am eternally grateful. I "hear" Him not only in my daily reading of His word and through great Bible teaching. But, also, I am hearing Him in music, books, and the words of a friend. Even more exciting for me more recently is that I am hearing Him in (through) His creation... His birds, His green hills, His wind and His waves. I am hearing Him more as I watch my children play and as I watch my dog disobey.

My spiritual ears are hearing Him more and more these days... But, so very often, I still do not know what He is trying to say. And, I so often, too, I don't hear Him at all.

On the train ride home tonight I couldn't help overhear a boisterous conversation next to me. Two young girls were chattering away at full speed, with much exuberance. You can just picture the scene... with hands waving and smiling faces they were interrupting each other and not noticing a bit! They were enjoying themselves and their little world, as if no one else was around, with full freedom.

As, I sat quietly and was bombarded with their words I assumed at first that they were speaking Welsh. It isn't terribly uncommon to hear Welsh spoken. But, only a minute into listening, I was shocked to find they were speaking English. Every four or five words I could recognized. As I listened more intently, I knew from the intonation that they were indeed speaking my language... and, yet, I could hardly make out what they were saying. How was this the same language that I speak?!

An accent to my ears, these two girls were having no trouble what-so-ever understanding each other and on they went. Again, as I listened, I could make out a phrase or a word... but, I just wasn't able to pick out even the theme or topic of their conversations.

This is how I feel with God sometimes.

I know His language... I read His Holy Word and I get a beautifully clear taste of God's thoughts, His words, His voice, and His tone. But, then again, sometimes even as I read the Word I am stuck in some places.

I don't always understand what He is trying to say in certain verses or passages of Scripture. Why does He say that in His Word? Why does He do that, or see things that way? I don't understand, Lord, can be a common enough conversation piece for the Father and I during my quiet times.

But I feel this even more so as I attempt to listen for Him throughout my day. Of course, sometimes it is just simply "not listening" or distraction that keep me from hearing. But, at other times it feels like I am watching and wondering... only catching every five words in the conversation that is going on all around me.

As I work throughout my day, watch my children and my dog, I feel I am listening in on God's conversations. ...But, I am only catching a bit here and there.

God's voice in my every day life is like a familiar language... it sounds familiar somewhere deep within. I know He is speaking and wants to speak to me. But, His accent is beyond me! I haven't listened enough, intently enough, to become more accustomed to the tones, the accent and the vocabulary. It takes time.

I have learned new languages before--- they all take time. Lots and lots of time. I have only lived in this country for 8 months. I know that in time the accents will become more familiar on the train. I know that I will learn and that the confusion that I feel when I try to listen will diminish in time.

I trust this is true in my listening to God, as well. I know that as I practice by sitting daily in His word... as I practice by "trying out" things I think He might be saying... as I practice opening my ears (and eyes) to the conversation all around me--- I am certain my ear will be trained more and more to His voice.

Father, teach me to hear you. Teach me to listen, to obey and to follow. Open my eyes, my ears and my heart to hear You and understand when You speak!

Wouldn't that be great!

Wouldn't that be great!, he said with excitement.

We had just finished putting up the Christmas tree, eating dinner and watching a Max Lucado video about Christmas. Throughout the video the bug, cartoon characters (Hermie and friends) have multiple conversations with God. They speak to God and He speaks back to them in a sweet, strong voice. As the video came to a close and the credits began rolling, a thought that had been rambling in his mind came out of my 7 year old son's mouth with a blurt, "Oh! Wouldn't that be great if we could just talk to God like that and God would talk back!" Strangely enough, I had had a similar train-of-thought bouncing in my head throughout the video.

The thoughtless and immediate, almost palatable, group response to my son's statement was, "Yes! That would be sooo cool!" And then there was a second internal "stop" in my spirit as I "yes!-responded" with my mouth. Wait a minute! Can't we talk to God like that and hear from Him?! Isn't that what we see throughout Scripture? Isn't that what a relationship with God is? ...Speaking with Him, hearing from Him, interacting with Him? Isn't that why I wake so early on these cold, dark mornings to sit before Him? Wait a minute! Yes! We can. I can. I do.

I turned to my son in a third, now verbal, response and put my hand gently on his face. "Oh, but son, we can! We can talk to God that way and He does respond", I said. The look on his face was priceless. His look was a mix of hope and doubt... His look was, "Really!" and "Really?" all mixed up. My husband chimed in and agreed with my statement of assurance that we could have a vibrant, interactive, conversational relationship with God. It was a sweet moment. This isn't the first time we have had this discussion with our son... but worth a re-visit in that teachable moment.

We revisited the topic after church today. As we ate lunch we all four discussed how God speaks, how we know it is Him, and what His voice sounds like. We all were able to share moments of hearing from God. My son shared that as he has been reading in Exodus lately, he has been struck with how much faith Moses must have had in God. He shared that while reading it he has beenfeeling like he needed to grow in his own faith and trust of God. Was this God speaking? he ventured. Yes! We all agreed.

I shared that sometimes when reading a passage of the Bible, a word or a phrase would just jump off the page and touch my heart. I shared that sometimes it was encouraging and sometimes it was convicting. Was this God speaking? Yes! We all agreed.

My daughter shared that sometimes when she is singing a song about the Lord, she is filled up with so much joy she will burst. Is this God speaking? Yes! We all agreed.

My husband said when he asks God what he should be studying or preaching that a certain verse or a certain passage of the Scripture comes to mind. Is this God speaking? Yes! We all agreed.

On and on went the discussion... talk of another person's words being used as the "voice" of God, the absence of fear or the physical presence of peace, or that small voice where you know the right or wrong way, or that "must" feeling of prayer for someone. What a joy this discussion was to my soul!

This is the Christmas story come to my home. The Immanuel that was promised in Isaiah came to earth as a baby. And, He lives in our home with us. God with us! Wouldn't it be great if we could walk with God, if we could talk with God, if we could hear Him talk with us!?!! Oh! Wouldn't that be great!!

Father, may we hear you more. You say Let he that have an ear hear what the Spirit says... let me hear you and see you more, Lord. You are God with us! You never leave us and you have given us your Spirit to guide us, to remind us of all truth. May I abide in you and walk in you and live in you today.

Listening vs Hearing

"I always love to listen to you speak. Not that I can hear all you say... I can't! But, I love to listen to you speak."

This was said to my husband on Wednesday after we had the privilege of speaking at a prayer meeting. The sweet older woman must have been in her 90's and was clearly very hard of hearing.

With genuine kindness, though, she wanted Dave to know how much she loved it when we came. She anticipated it. She listened and loved it. But, she couldn't hear it all. She wished she could. But, she loved it none-the-less.

My heart felt so tender as he told me the story. Simple sweetness. I laughed out loud at her comment. What a perplexing paradox... I love to listen to you, but I can't hear you!

It struck me almost instantly that this is my heart toward God.

I love to hear Him speak. I do. I love to listen and I want to hear more. If God were to come to my church, I would make it a priority to show up!

What is crazy is that I know He shows up at church. I know He is everywhere and always present. He is always speaking. I love to listen to Him. But, I don't hear all He has to say. I just can't. My ears don't work very well when it comes to His voice and His truth. I know I miss so, so much of what He is saying... and still, I love to listen to Him speak.

Lord, open my ears. May I learn the tone of Your voice. May I listen for You more frequently Lord, as I listen for You to speak... may I hear You, may I hear all You have to say and not miss a thing.

Awareness

I had a dear friend and teammate while living in Istanbul, Turkey. She loved the music of a bird's songs. She could hear a bird call and she usually could make a good guess at what kind of bird was singing. She knew the robin's song! Imagine. She would say, with intense excitement, "Stop. Listen!!... that is a blue bird".

Without fail she would then stop whatever she was doing to look out a window, down an alley or in a nearby tree to search and find the vocalist.

I was always astonished when she would stop me to listen with her. I didn't get it. Not only could I not imagine learning a particular bird song, but I just simply don't naturally hear the birds around me at all.

Well... at least I didn't used to. Now I do. I am sitting here to write my blog and instead of writing what I sat down to write... I am struck by the melody of song outside my window. It is beautiful. It is sweet.

Isn't it interesting how we affect each other?!

We, as humans, have such a deep impact on each other. We can be totally unaware of our impact, for good or for bad. Yet, the impact is significant.

This friend had no idea the influence she was having on my soul when she turned my ears to the birds and my eyes to the sunset or the nearby flowers. This is a gift she gave to me by just being herself. She wasn't ever pointing it out for my benefit. She was just fully engaging in the world. She was simply living her life for me to witness.

She once told me that she had purposely learned the song of the robin in an attempt to train her ear to the voice of God.

Isn't that what I have received from her! It is as if she gave me a gift of awareness. By simply being with her, I learned from this friend that even my natural tendencies can be altered.

Once I was blind to the beauty of creation and now I see! Now I can't help but notice the song of birds, the color of flowers and the site of a stunning sunset. This encourages me to pursue and persevere in learning God's still small voice.

As I sit here and listen to the song of the birds a beautiful phrase is swimming in my mind, "Be still and know that I am God".

Again, there it is... be still. Sit still, Stephanie. This friend had to say "Stop. Look. Listen" in order for me to see or hear that which she was sharing with me. I need to stop and be still more often. A stillness in my soul needs to develop in order to hear and see He who is always speaking.

Oh Lord, would you give me awareness. Lord, give me eyes to see, ears to hear and a stillness of soul to listen.