Are you Shady?

Learning to garden has been a necessity in this lovely green place I live.  It isn't, in all honesty, something I particularly enjoy; but, it has certainly been a fertile ground for heart lessons from the Lord.  

Living things are complex and growing them... tending them... being a good gardener... is a big and challenging job!  I often think of the Lord and His kind hand as I cut, hack, or 'dead-head' any plant or flower.  My cutting and trimming and hacking is good for plant...  I only do it for it's good.  I want it to grow and flourish and produce more fruit.  Oh! The lessons for the heart here... 

I was reading this morning in Mark 4:30-32.  Jesus is making every effort to teach and communicate the beauty of His kingdom to His hearers.  In this case, He choses to use gardening.  He describes the kingdom of God---the gospel, the 'good, good news', the Spirit Truth---as being like a tiny seed that grows into a hardy and life-giving tree.  This is what we are offered in His kingdom.  Into our smallness, comes a small 'truth' and then life grows.  Abundant growth! We grow.  His truth grows in us and makes us (re-creates in us) something hardy and life giving.  

I was struck afresh today by verse 32, where the Kingdom-plant is described as:  1) a place of rest for birds and 2) a place of shade.  And I had this wonderful thought, "Am I shady?"   Prayerfully, I began asking that God would continue to grow His truth in me and make my branches strong to be a place of rest.  I long to be a place of comfort and shade... for all who would come near.  

Are you shady?  

I was listening to a wonderful podcast session by Curt Thompson (MD) recently. (I do highly recommend his books and his teaching.)  Dr. Thompson explains that, as a psychiatrist, he ---yes indeed---offers people an 'answer' and help to problems.  But, actually, much more importantly, he offers himself.  He offers his presence.  Those coming to him for comfort and shade are coming to be seen, heard, and known.  The greatest gift he can give is to show up, let them sit awhile, rest and be shaded.  Presence...the very things we need from each other and ultimately from God.  

God does this for His people and always has.  In Exodus 3:7, He says is straight out, "I have seen... I have heard... and I am concerned..."  One of His names, in fact, is EL ROI... the God who sees.  

In 1 Peter 3:12, we are told that "God's eye is on us and that He is attentive to our prayers..."  Our God is a loving Father that sees and hears.  He is offering Himself to you today.  

God is shady.  God is hardy.  His presence and His truth is a place of rest and comfort.

And, how wonderful is this!? In His kingdom, with Him, we can be shady and comforting and a place of rest for others.  

I can be shady and hardy.  Oh, Lord, make it so! 

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Mark 4:30-32 Again he said, “What shall we say the kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it? 31 It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest of all seeds on earth. 32 Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds can perch in its shade.”

Stop the Madness

I can get pretty locked up in my head.  My thoughts can be so busy, random, critical, and full-on.  Through the years, I have become more and more aware of this buzzing reality that can be my brain...  awareness has been key to freedom from it, for sure.

But, even attentiveness and practicing God's Presence, doesn't always stop the madness.  I can go from peaceful knowledge of God's now Presence and, in the blink of an eye, I find myself lost again in the fast paced brain buzzing.  Before I know it, I am locked in a cycle of hurried thinking--- way too much thinking and very unproductively.

I find that there are different ways or kinds of thought.  This cycle of buzzing is not helpful, it is harmful thought.  These busy, burdened and even berating thoughts are unproductive thinking.  They feel more like chaos than order.  They are filled with lies and falsehood instead of truth.  And, often they cause anxiety, as opposed to peace.  The enemies of my soul play a huge part in this battle---  the adversary and my flesh--- fighting against the love, joy, peace and patience of the Spirit.

I found myself in this very cycle this week.  It doesn't really matter the topic or topics of thought--- it is just that my mind is bursting with unproductive and busy thoughts.  Like Martha of old, I am "worried about a great many things". 

Psalm 84 caught my attention on Wednesday...  the whole of the Psalm.  But, also one particular phrase jumped at me with clarity.  "whose hearts are set on a pilgrimage...they go from strength to strength" (Psalm 84:5-7).  The Psalmists are talking about the Presence of God.  They are rejoicing in their experience of dwelling with Him--- or in Him, His temple. 

In this Psalm, the Sons of Korah, are sharing about the blessedness ('esher'=happiness) that is with those who remain and abide in God.  We know that, as His people, we are now His temple.  He dwells within us through His Spirit!  We, then, have this happiness always available to us.  We can abide in His love.  Always!

With the phrase "whose heart is set on pilgrimage" the Lord seemed to be reminding me that the direction I was pointed was important.  A pilgrim is going somewhere.  She is pointed in a very clear direction, with purpose in their journey.  I could feel the gentle rebuke of God's heart...  Where or to Whom is your heart, your mind and your soul pointed, Stephanie?  Where is your mind headed?  

In most cases, when my mind is buzzing with unproductive and unhelpful thought, I am most definitely pointed inward.  I am looking at me...  either in the negative, the positive, or just the practical... my eyes are downward or inward.  If I am not inwardly focused, I am focused just on my immediate earthly reality:  the very same "many things" that Martha was buzzing about.  I am headed in a circular race to get the next thing done, to fix this or that, only to start over again to fix the next thing and do this or figure out that.  It is a rat race in my head.  My own personal torture device!

The old adage comes to mind:  "Worry is like a rocking chair.  You move but go nowhere."

It is good to look up and out.  It is very good to stop--- to Sabbath ("to cease")---and look at Him.   It is not only good, it is essential and life giving.  I must stop the madness.  Just cease.  Just cease, sit, and ask myself, prayerfully, "What do you actually think?! What is true?"  In response to this question, I wrote in my journal today: I think and know He is---  and then followed it with all that He is---all that is True about my amazing God and Savior.

He is righteous.  He is good.  He is loving.  He is faithful.  He is covenant and steadfast.  He is wise.  He is aware.  He sees.  He knows.  He loves.  He judges rightly.  ... the list went on and on.

When I get locked in the hurried and heavy thinking of my running mind, this productive truth-thinking stabilizes me.  His truth---who He is, and who I am because of Him--- is an anchor for my soul and most definitely for my mind.  I can feel the order and equilibrium immediately.  This is indeed my "one needful thing" (Luke 10:42).  Every day.  Every moment of every day.

"You will keep in perfect peace all whose thoughts are fixed on You!" (Isaiah 26:3)

Sit With Me

Below I offer you an un-edited re-post of a blog I wrote August, 2016.

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Take a load off.  Sit for a while.  Rest... 

Sabbath is really, really important to God.  Plain and simple.  He makes no bones about it.  His commandment of Sabbath is uber-important.  Reading through the Old Testament, it would be hard to miss this clear theme.

I was struck again with this idea when reading in Numbers 15.  Throughout the Old Testament, God offers, over and over, a 'way out' or an avenue for forgiveness from sin.  In this chapter, He enunciates the pathway for recovery and forgiveness for unintentional sin.  And, then, BAM... right in the middle of the passage, we read about the "Sabbath-Breaker" who is to be put out of the camp and stoned to death.  No restitution is offered.  There was no-way back from THIS sin.  What, Lord!?  

Sabbath is clearly really, really important to God.  I wouldn't even attempt to count how often He reiterates this truth in the Old Testament; but, indeed, He does again, and again.  

In Numbers 15, we are given clarity as to why this Sabbath-breaker is punished.  His sin was deliberate, Scripture tells us.  Rebellious.  He had contempt for God's commands.  "He has despised the word of the Lord." (Numbers 15:31)

But what was he actually rebelling against?  What was He despising exactly?  What was offensive to him... this condemned man?  A day-off!?  For Sabbath is a day of rest.  No work.  A day for worship. Quiet.  Why in the world would he (or we) rebel against that?  

(Now, let me just pause here and make very clear that I believe, as a child of God and one covered by the blood of Jesus, I am no longer under the law.  I know and believe that Christ died for intentional and unintentional sin!  And His blood covers all rebellion, curses, iniquity, and transgressions... and every thing in between.  ...just in case you were worried.   But, that doesn't lessen the reality of God's heart and character being the same today, yesterday and tomorrow. So, I also believe, this conversation is immensely important.)

So, why in the world would this man rebel against rest, quiet and no work?  

Or, more poignantly, what do I resist or despise the gift of Sabbath?  

Ezekiel 20: 12 says, "I gave them (a gift!) my Sabbath as a sign between me and them that they might know I am the Lord (note the why behind the giving) who sanctifies them." 

In Mark 2:27 Jesus reiterates this theme that Sabbath is for men--- a gift.  Made and given for us... for our benefit.  Not a legal law to remain under, but instead a gift to receive.  Or not.  

When reading and sitting with this idea, I was struck by the end of the Ezekiel verse--- I am the Lord who sanctifies them. I looked up the word sanctify and found this definition:  "the state of proper functioning".  In the Webster definition it adds, for clarity sake, "a pen is sanctified when it is used to write"

I wrote down in my journal:  "pens are sanctified when writing.  People are sanctified when used for the purpose God intends---living according to His design. People are sanctified when living with God."  Sabbath is part of our proper functioning as human beings.  Part of our very purpose here on earth is to rest, worship, and enjoy God!  It is what we are made for.  

When I don't live in the rhythm of Sabbath rest, I am living in an unnatural way.  A rebellious way.  It is anti-human to work non-stop.  Sabbath is clearly very important gift from God to man.  

Do I despise it?  Fight it?  And, if so, why?  

Just sit for a while and enter His rest.

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I re-post this as I pack up and head out for a 4 day silent, quiet retreat with God!!  ...I will sit and rest awhile, Lord.  I will receive Your gift to me!  

Do Not Despise His Word

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Take a load off.  Sit for a while.  Rest... 

Sabbath is really, really important to God.  Plain and simple.  He makes no bones about it.  His commandment of Sabbath is uber-important.  Reading through the Old Testament, it would be hard to miss this clear theme.

I was struck again with this idea when reading in Numbers 15.  Throughout the Old Testament, God offers, over and over, a 'way out' or an avenue for forgiveness from sin.  In this chapter, He enunciates the pathway for recovery and forgiveness for unintentional sin.  And, then, BAM... right in the middle of the passage, we read about the "Sabbath-Breaker" who is to be put out of the camp and stoned to death.  No restitution is offered.  There was no-way back from THIS sin.  What, Lord!?  

Sabbath is clearly really, really important to God.  I wouldn't even attempt to count how often He reiterates this truth in the Old Testament; but, indeed, He does again, and again.  

In Numbers 15, we are given clarity as to why this Sabbath-breaker is punished.  His sin was deliberate, Scripture tells us.  Rebellious.  He had contempt for God's commands.  "He has despised the word of the Lord." (Numbers 15:31)

But what was he actually rebelling against?  What was He despising exactly?  What was offensive to him... this condemned man?  A day-off!?  For Sabbath is a day of rest.  No work.  A day for worship. Quiet.  Why in the world would he (or we) rebel against that?  

(Now, let me just pause here and make very clear that I believe, as a child of God and one covered by the blood of Jesus, I am no longer under the law.  I know and believe that Christ died for intentional and unintentional sin!  And His blood covers all rebellion, curses, iniquity, and transgressions... and every thing in between.  ...just in case you were worried.   But, that doesn't lessen the reality of God's heart and character being the same today, yesterday and tomorrow. So, I also believe, this conversation is immensely important.)

So, why in the world would this man rebel against rest, quiet and no work?  

Or, more poignantly, what do I resist or despise the gift of Sabbath?  

Ezekiel 20:12 says, "I gave (a gift!) them my Sabbath (note whose it is) as a sign between me and them that they might know I am the Lord (note the why behind the giving) who sanctifies them." 

In Mark 2:27 Jesus reiterates this theme that Sabbath is for men--- a gift.  Made and given for us... for our benefit.  Not a legal law to remain under, but instead a gift to receive.  Or not.  

When reading and sitting with this idea, I was struck by the end of the Ezekiel verse--- I am the Lord who sanctifies them. I looked up the word sanctify and found this definition:  "the state of proper functioning".  In the Webster definition it adds, for clarity sake, "a pen is sanctified when it is used to write"

I wrote down in my journal:  "pens are sanctified when writing.  People are sanctified when used for the purpose God intends---living according to His design. People are sanctified when living with God."  Sabbath is part of our proper functioning as human beings.  Part of our very purpose here on earth is to rest, worship, and enjoy God!  It is what we are made for.  

When I don't live in the rhythm of Sabbath rest, I am living in an unnatural way.  A rebellious way.  It is anti-human to work non-stop.  Sabbath is clearly very important gift from God to man.  

Do I despise it?  Fight it?  And, if so, why?  

Just sit for a while and enter His rest.  

A Beautiful Gift

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I am a super practical girl.  My family and friends know this.  I guess that is why they offer me presents "with a purpose" which they know I will like---some of my most prized gifts being a kitchen mixer, mugs, a cast iron pot, a journal, and ipod speakers.  (Books and good music, by the way, do fit in this category... very, very practical, to my way of thinking!)  

Gifts that fit and fulfill a need...  these 'hit the spot' well with me.  

But, when it comes down to it, in reality, I am quite needy.  My awareness of my neediness has been coming awake for some time now.   I am needy.  As I inch my way forward through life, slowly gaining experience and insight into life;  I become more and more aware of this truth... my every-day-human-reality-needs.

I am hungry for so many things.  I long for love, grace, attention, quiet, peace, kindness, truth, and beauty---to name just a few.  Like the oxygen I need to breathe and the water that sustains me, so I also require so many other gifts to flourish in life---relationships, connection, belonging...  

God knows this about me.  He knows this about His people.  We are, indeed, a needy lot.  

Among the myriad of promises God utters to Moses in Exodus, He tells Moses that His very Presence will go with them.  "My Presence will go with you..." (Exodus 33:14)  

What a gift!  This idea is so wonderful and so full of hope.  With God's Presence comes the reality of cover, power, strength and provision.  But, that is not what God emphasizes in these verses---in this conversation of promise with Moses.   He offers something else with His Presence...  

"My Presence will go with you and I will give you rest."  

Rest.  

With His Presence comes the gift of rest...  Pull up next to God and you get such a beautiful gift.

I would venture to guess that if I asked most any room full of people this question, "Who would like or is in need of rest?"  I would bet that every hand would raise and a resounding, "Me!!" would sound with enthusiasm.  

We all need rest.  Deeply, we need rest.  Body rest... soul rest... mind rest.  

With His Presence, I find rest.  You, too, can find rest for your soul.  

I can enter in.  We can receive this gift.  We can sidle up next to Him and receive---or, at least, what He longs to give---is rest.  

"Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."  (Matthew 11:28)  

What a lovely, very practical gift He gives!!  This practical girl is a happy girl.  

Daily Invitation to Rest

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Life can be very loud.  The noise isn't always discordant.  It is just noise.  Things to do. Places to be.  People to see.  Life's daily orchestra playing day-in-and-day-out---the instruments of people, appointments, and laundry.

The choice for solitude and silence is never easy.  Quiet and calm aren't easy to find.

Then to add to the hubbub of life there are noises in my heart; or, better said, from my heart.  In my mind and in my soul is a cacophony of sound shouting for attention.  Worries about this and about that.  Concerns about him and about her.  Plans for this...  Fixing that...  Wondering and hoping...  I am calculating and re-living.  I am analyzing and accusing.  The noises are numerous--and loud.  

Quiet and calm aren't easy to find.  But, they are available.

Often I find calm and quiet in a good book.  As a habit, I attempt to read regularly.  I read mostly because I need to remember.  I need to be called-back and to be reminded.  I read because I have a need for deep dialogue. Sometimes I desperately need right thoughts to counter the clamor filling my mind and my heart.   I don't read looking for new or profound things.  I read to remember and "talk" about True things:  old things and learned thing.

Currently I am having a lovely "conversation" with Eugene Peterson in Eat this Book.  And, last night in Richard Foster's Prayer, he kindly reminded me of the beautiful invitation I have from God to come to Him and rest.  

Rest.  

The prayer of rest, Foster calls it and I read his story.  Foster reminds me of the words of my brother, Jesus:  "Come to me all who are weary or heavy... and I will give you rest for your souls" (Matthew 11:28).  

My mind needs rest.  My body needs rest.  And, most certainly, my soul needs rest.  Often.  

So, I responded to Richard's reminder.  I closed the book.  And, I sat.  I entered the Rest offered.  

Be still.  

Just be still, Stephanie. 

Be still and know.  

Know, right now, my love. 

Be still and know that I am God.  

And, in that moment the voices died down.  The waters went still.  The to-do list was released.  The worries and the calculating were engulfed in a calm and a Presence that is my God!

Father, what a gift you give me in Yourself.  Jesus what an offer!  I choose You today.  I open my hands and I open my heart and I say, "yes" to the rest You offer me today.  Thank you.  Would You remind me again and again to remain in this Love...  to remain in rest... to remain in You!  

Where exhaustion can take me...

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There is a powerful urge that I feel sometimes... a voracious appetite.  Do you ever feel it?

In recent years, I have become more aware.  Rather than just following it without thought, I am finally becoming more conscious of this drive, this hunger.  I catch and  "see" the signs.  And, I am starting to see what triggers the feeling.  

The hunger?  Simply put, I just want to eat.  And, then I want to eat more.  Something a little sweet.  Something a little salty.  Now, I want something more that is sweet... and on it goes. The desire is strong.  The pull can be intense.  I can go (mentally or actually) scrounging through the kitchen and find myself something tasty to bring relief to the "hunger" within.

Am I the only one?

My husband assures me that I am not alone in my hunger---although his voracious "eating" doesn't include food.  He is driven or pulled toward media, he explains.  He just wants to watch, or to research, or to read random news articles.  But, he too is aware of the drive and the intense pull.  We aren't alone in this drive to numb, to relax, to calm, to get-back-to-equilibrium.  We just crave different things to fill the hunger...

What do you crave?  

I do know my triggers...  at least in part.  I have written before of my tired temptations.  For instance, I know that when I am exhausted---physically, emotionally or spiritually---I can find the lure-to-numb really inviting!  I am still not quite sure where I learned this pattern---when did I learn to go to food to feed the emptiness that exhaustion can bring?  But certainly, when I am tired... I want to eat.  And, I want to numb.  The question I have been asking is why?  and when?  

Does the food actually give me a burst of energy?  Maybe.  Or, does it give me comfort?  Maybe even a bit.  ...a learned comfort, at least.  But, does it give me what I really need in those tired moments?    Most definitely not.  The interesting thing is that my drive to food is never satisfied and if I indulge the cravings... I am never satisfied.  I never find rest, peace or equilibrium when I eat to fill that void. In fact, quite the opposite happens!  Filling this "hunger" with unnecessary food often produces a cycle of frustration, annoyance and irritation with myself.  

What do I truly need in these moments??   I need rest.  ... rest.  I need rest and peace and equilibrium.  I need Jesus.  

The very Person of Jesus is the obvious answer to my true needs.  His Presence offers me rest.  "Come to Me, all you who are weary...and I will give you rest", He says. "The peace I give is from Me...not like the world's peace", he invites me in.  He is my manna, the Bread of Life that will nourish.  In Him I can find filling and satisfaction.  In Him I have found fullness!  

This powerful urge within... may it draw me into You, Lord Jesus.  May I receive from You all I need!!  Change the "natural" and automatic response within me to run to food and other things... may I learn to run to You and find my rest in You alone.  

Where (or to who... or to what) do you go when you are tired or exhausted?  

Screaming lists and loud calendars

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The "to-do" list runs long and feels heavy.  The calendar seems to scream at me and I begin to feel it pushing out my peace.  The feeling of "overwhelmed" creeps up on me, tapping me on the shoulder with a hiss--- a lying tongue whispering that I need to worry.

But, I don't have to listen.

I can just be.

Still.

I can be still and know that He is God!  (Psalm 46:10).

Will it all get done?  I don't know.  Will the earth stop turning on it's axis if it doesn't?  This light-hearted internal question brings a slight chuckle, which brings relief.

I really don't have to worry.  And, I don't have to listen to "overwhelmed".   Neither do you.

We can just be.

I can be here today.  And, not worry about tomorrow.  I can tell the long list to shut up and I can ignore the screaming calendar.  Be quiet!  Shhhh---enough already!  

I can be still.  And, I can trust that my kind, gentle, loving Father is God---

I can be still and know that He is God.

The beauty of resting...

Her voice rang with simple joy as we talked, "Stephanie, I go to sleep each night so excited to sleep and so grateful for my warm, soft bed.  I wake up each morning so excited to start the day---what will He have for me today, I wonder each morning with joy!"

Sharing her heart and sharing this victory of perspective, she spoke these words over the long distance phone line.  Her words brought more than a smile to my mouth---they brought a smile to my soul.  Can a soul smile?  Mine did.

Happy to fall asleep.  Happy to wake up.  This!  This is joy.  This is contentment!

My friend---this mother, this wife, this daughter--- spoke words of deep contentment.  It isn't a place she was, naturally is---or has always been---no, this is a place she has come to.  Contentment is who she is becoming.  My friend was once a woman who might fall asleep exhausted, worried, or disappointed with all that didn't get done that day.  And, she was a child of God who woke tired, sometimes feeling unready for her day, overwhelmed by all that needed to get done.

Her Father in Heaven has brought her here.  She arrived to this sweet rest and contentment walking on the road of Love--- journeying with and in God's love for her.

I had just been thinking about contentment earlier in the morning.  Reading in Hebrews 13, I was struck with the command of God to "be content with what you have".  But more than just a commandment, what struck me was the why and how answers that are found right along side the statement from our Father.  "Be content with what you have... because God has said 'Never will I leave you and never will I forsake you!' Say to yourself, the Lord is my helper;  I will not be afraid!"  (Hebrews 13:5,6).

This contentment we are commanded is found in, and only in, a trusting of God's loving Presence and His help.  It is a trust and resting in His love---a love that is forever and never leaves.

...His Presence that is always enough.  His faithfulness and steadfastness is why we... it is why I... can be content.

I can trust God enough to rest well at night.  Surrender and lay down the burdens.  Lay down the work, done and undone.  Release and let it all go.  With a thankful heart I can rest and sleep in His Presence.

And, I can trust God enough to wake to the day ready for His loving Presence to guide, strengthen, surround and sustain.  I can trust Him to give me just what I need and to never leave my side.  I can say of Him, my God is my helper!

I, too, can fall asleep this way--- and so can you.

Ample Opportunities

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They just don't seem to worry.  I watched them eat yesterday, these darling little birds--plump and singing their happy songs.  Cared for even amidst the snow and cold, these little ones don't have to be anxious.   They just eat what God has given them and go about their day. 

For me, in any given day, there are ample opportunities to worry.  From the lingering cough of a child, to the relational dynamics of family, to the laundry-pile that never ends...  each day, truly, holds enough worry of it own.  Each day there are plenty of reasons to feel anxious.  And, I do sometimes.  Do you?

Some moments, I feel this slight pain or tinge lingering in my stomach... worry...  and I have to stop and ask God, "Why am I feeling this way?"  It usually only takes a moment to pray and ponder my recent train-of-thought and it becomes clear why I am feeling just slightly queazy.  ...a passing thought of the upcoming credit card bill, a quick thought of the preparation I haven't done for that upcoming seminar, a conversation I feel insecure about...

My body can tense and feel the worry before I am emotionally aware of what my mind and heart are doing. 

Reading this morning, I was struck by the words of Christ to His disciples, "Do not be anxious". (Luke 12:22)  Just don't, He says.

Just don't do it.  Simple and sweet.

The beauty of Christ's words, though, include not only the "don't", but the "why not..."

Don't worry, He tells His friends.  Why?  Because, "He who planted the ear, does He not hear?  He who formed the eyes, does he not see?" (Psalm 94:9)  Why not worry, Stephanie?  Because, your loving, powerful Father sees and hears and knows. 

Why not be anxious, my friends?  Because, "God feeds them".  (Luke 12:24)
There is ample opportunity for worry, yes.  But, so are there a myriad of reasons to trust this One- this powerful Creator that sees, hears and knows all.  This day affords me ample opportunity to trust this One- this loving Father that clothes and feeds. 

Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.  So, seek his kingdom and these things will be added to you!  (Luke 12:31,32)

Each day gives me ample opportunities to "fear not!" and occasions "to not worry".  Each day offers me circumstances to trust, to rest and to receive from my Father's hand.   ...to eat what He provides and go about my day, even in the snow. 

Resting Running

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I feel rushed here.

I just feel like I need to run, to hurry, to get to the next thing.  ...to do more.

Being on home assignment (or furlough) will do that... the schedule is tight, the opportunities to visit with people are way-beyond time and space...  But.

But, it seems more than that.  I felt as I flew into LAX, I flew into a cloud of fast-paced hurriedness.

Is it me or do Americans rush around like crazy?

Not that my schedule at home isn't full, but I just feel it here.  Like a blanket that seems to surround or descend, I feel pushed, pulled and rushed.

And it isn't really about the schedule, or the busy-ness, ...it is about my heart.  It is about the state of my heart.

Rest in God alone.  Rest in My love.  This, I know, is what my Father calls me to--- this is the Great Invitation.

I can rest in His love, His sovereignty and goodness, and in His timing. ... His timing.  Does God rush?

It reminds me of that lovely scene in Princess Diaries, where the queen is "late" and she is mildly rebuked by a servant, who is attempting to help her queen along, "to not be late."   In this scene, the queen comes calmly and graciously into the room and remarks, "The queen is never late!  Her subjects have just arrived early."  This same queen later encourages her protégée granddaughter to remember that she is a princess.  And, that "Princesses, never rush.  They never run...".  This is what has been echoing into my heart the last few days.

Stephanie, princesses never run.  They never rush.  You are a princess.  I am the King.  And, I am never late!  


I don't know what to attribute the rushed, fast-paced feeling to... is it cultural, circumstantial, or simply a spiritual stronghold?  I don't know.  But, I do know that it is contrary to the rest He is calling me to.

Not that I believe that we are called to "non-busy-ness" exactly... I just believe we are called to a state of rest, in the midst of life and busy stuff.  And I believe that a restful, peaceful heart is never rushed.

I have felt rushed.  Pushed and harried.

I choose to settle down this moment into His love.  I choose to do only that which He puts before me right now, not worrying about tomorrow.  And, I chose to rest in Him.

And, in about 45 minutes, I need to be out the door and off again to the next thing.  But, I don't have to run out the door.  I don't have to rush.  I can calmly, graciously walk.   In my heart, in my soul, I can trust my King.  ...pushing back the pull and pressure to run.

Whizzing Thoughts Calming Words

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Like a merry-go-round, my mind whizzed and turned.  Around and around went the thoughts.  Like busy, colorful, wood horses trotting, running, chasing....  Circular and connected, but racing and loud.  Do your thoughts ever turn and wind around, running away but in a circle?

As I sat to spend some quiet time, my mind just wouldn't stop.  Thinking and re-thinking.  

I had intended to read the whole Psalm.  But, I just couldn't.

The first line of Psalm 62 jumped off the page and lunged at me, relentlessly insisting on attention.  I simply couldn't move on.  I had to read it again.  And my mind calmed.  My busy thoughts took a seat and stopped at the Words...

My soul finds rest in God alone  


My soul finds rest in God alone, it said.  He said.  And I knew these words were alive.  Active and alive these words brought life.

As I repeated the words over and over in my mind and out loud quietly, I found a stop again in my spirit.  God alone  

God alone.

This was His word for me.  I needed to respond.

My soul finds rest, or more truthfully seeks rest in many things;  but, God was inviting me to more.  He was speaking to my soul and reminding my inner man that truly only in Him could I find rest.  I might seek rest in other things; but, I would never find it anywhere but in Him alone.

I could think more and plan more.  I could analyse and worry.  I could question and regret.  But, these would only send me around and around, never to find rest.

My soul finds rest in God alone.  Stephanie, your soul finds rest in Me alone.    

I told Him that I was deeply sorry that I ran seeking rest in other things, other thoughts, other ways... I told Him how desperately I needed His help to seek Him alone.  I told Him that He deserved all my heart, all my mind and all my soul.

And, I told Him that I would speak to my soul,  "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone!" (Psalm 62:5)

Find rest.

in God alone.  

Tired Questions

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It is hard when I get tired.

When I am tired, I am just not my best.  Who is?  I suppose this is true about anyone..

As tiredness creeps up, it feels like the temptations of old strategies, coping patterns and sin tendencies are crouching at the door of my heart... a tiger ready to pounce.  And, I just want to sleep and let 'em pounce away!

I have written of these tired temptations before...  I feel them again tonight.

All my life I have been learning how to cope with tiredness.  We all have, I guess.  You, too.

For so many years, so many pattern-making years, I have run to a variety of things to find my rest.   Some of these patterns have been nearly harmless. Many of these places and patterns have been destructive.  Or, in the least, these strategies have not been helpful or uplifting.

I have run many places... In recent years I have learned to run to God.  But, for so much time, Father's love has just been one place among the many.  ...and not usually the first-chosen place, to be sure.

I guess the questions I am asking tonight is...  why have I come here again?  What could I have done different to avoid such tiredness?

This tiredness I feel in my body tonight, this physical exhaustion... is this a must?  Did I have to get here?  I know there are choices I have made today.  There are choices I made yesterday, in fact, that have affected today!  There are choices I continue to make that push my body, my emotions and my mind beyond my God-given capacity.

Physical tiredness is an inevitable reality of this tentliving-life we live on earth, I know.  Jesus, my Savior-Brother, fell down tired after a long journey into Samaria (John 4).   He certainly knew exhaustion.  ...and was revived by "food" the disciples knew nothing about.

This is the food I need, Jesus!
   
Another questions I feel welling up is... and now what?  Where do I go from here?  When I am tired, where will I run?  That tiger that sits in the dark corner, those temptations, will I turn to them and invite them to pounce?  Or will I claim the freedom I have in Christ to say "no!" to them.

I can tell that crouching tiger--- my sin, my coping strategies--- to "sit" and "stay" in Jesus name, just like I can tell my dog to sit and stay.  (A big difference being that the sin-beast must submit to the Name of Jesus... and my dog doesn't always obey! smile).

Why am I here again?  What can I do next time to avoid this exhaustion?

What will I do now?  Where will I go to get the deep, soul-quenching, body renewing rest that I actually need?

...just lay down, Stephanie, and trust ---and rest in Him.  
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone!  (Psalm 62:5)

But, indeed, it is hard when I get tired.

What do you long for?

Equilibrium. Rest. Peace and quiet.

This, I think, is what I truly long for. As I have pondered the words of Jesus, What do you want?, and I have asked Him to reveal my hidden longings... this is what comes bubbling up from within.

What do I want, Jesus? I want to be at peace. I want rest and order. I want quiet and simplicity. I want equilibrium.

Is this a sinful longing? I don't think so. I am asking God this very question. And, I believe it is a God-given desire, actually,---a longing that He gives and that He can fill.

I wonder if many or most of our real, hidden longings... if we reach back and deep in... are the longings created in us by Him and for Him to answer.

What do you want, I wonder? What do you really long for?

Is your longing "connection"? Purpose. To feel special or adored? To serve. Or to receive? To be seen or to be happy?

...to be at rest, like me?

Like the shape of our noses, or the color of our eyes... our longings are all different--- and yet, the same.

And, our longings are a sometimes very mixed up, aren't they? Mine are.

Like a mixed ball of string, one thread of the longing is godly and right; while the other threads, are mixed motivation and flesh strategies... and sin... all mixed in. What is what?

"...our desire for equilibrium can become an idolatrous attempt to deny a large part of what life is all about... the Psalms robustly deal with life as it really is and find God in disorientation as well as in harmony. We need to comprehend that there is no place where God is not" ~Elizabeth Canham

When does my longing for rest become idolatry? When does your longing to be heard, to be noticed, to serve, or to be loved stop being about God-given desires and become a 'god' in-and-of-itself?

I think, at least in part, our longings get off-the-mark when we try to accomplish them ourselves. We try to get them, or do them, on our own. A mentor helped me think through this yesterday with the question, "How and when do I try to make it happen?" When am I trying to fulfill my longing.

What are my learned behaviors, strategies, and coping mechanisms that work hard to "get it"on my own? In my flesh I can try to make it happen... just in case God doesn't show up!

Just in case this God-given longing is not filled by God (somewhere deep within I still 'hedge my bets') I do this-n-that to make sure my longings are filled. Day in and day out, am I even this aware of my heart?

And, then when it doesn't work... which it never really does!!!... I then tend to drift into my escape or "self-medicating" acts and mechanisms--- that is where the over-eating, the over-watching, over-sleeping, over-worrying, or over-playing might happen. Then, I feel badly or shameful about this sinful behavior.

When actually, it was the four steps prior,--- the steps of thought, or more acceptable acts of flesh that are the deeper root of the problem: the four steps prior that didn't work and didn't bring fulfillment for my longings.

The idolatry of heart that didn't fulfill fails and so I might run to the other escapes.

Okay, so I want equilibrium and rest. So, my planning. My ordering. My organizing and cleaning. My list-making and my sorting-of my children (and attempt to sort-out and control my husband) are ways that I attempt to get this rest, to fulfill my longing.

These prior acts of behavior and thought can all be an attempt to make it happen ... all in the effort to get that rest, that peace-of-mind, that I am longing for...apart from God.

So, is the answer to stop those behaviors. Should I stop cleaning, organizing and planning? I don't think so. I don't think the answer is about not doing the laundry!

It is about the heart. It is about my heart... your heart.

My mentor asked me, "What are you leaning into?... what is it that you put your weight into?"

"When you feel a bit overwhelmed, or out-of-control, or tired... where is your heart running to?"

Running to.

Leaning into.

Resting in...

Equilibrium and rest. Peace and quiet. Only He can fulfill this deepest desire in my soul.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him." Psalm 62:5

"This is what the Sovereign Lord says: In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it." Isaiah 30:15

What do you want?

What do you want? He asks.

As Jesus walked on they followed. Then, He turned and asked them a simple question, "What do you want?"

"As Jesus walked by, John looked at him and declared, "Look! There is the Lamb of God!" When John's two disciples heard this, they followed Jesus. Jesus looked around and saw them following. "What do you want?" " (John 1:35)

A simple question.

We can ask an 18 month old baby, 'What do you want?' ...and they can point to the toy, the cookie, or their mommy.

A simple question, yes. But, tonight it strikes me as quite complex and confusing. ...maybe even convicting. Or, inviting.

What is my answer, Jesus?

What is it I want? What do I really want? And, why do I follow after you?

If I am honest, I want many things. The degree of desire, the intensity, varies from want-to-want. And, the 'wants' change depending on my mood, my need and circumstances. ...but what do I really want. ...what is my deepest desire, really?

I sit here and imagine Jesus turning to look at me. In my mind I see His piercing eyes asking me this very question: Stephanie, what do you want?

My heart finds truth and comfort in the simple answer given that dusty day by those first disciples:

Where are you staying? they answer Jesus.

And I say to Him tonight: Jesus, I just want to be where you are. I want to know Your Presence and sit at Your feet. I want to feed on You and hear Your voice. I want to go where You are and live with You, walking...following after You.

And, Jesus answers me. Just as He did that sweet day, this Lamb of God... "Come and see!"

And [she] went with Him and saw where He was staying and remained with Him the rest of the day" (John 1:39)

Almighty God, you have made us for yourself and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you. ~St. Augustine

Listen to Your Body

The advice I received when I exited the hospital two weeks ago was, "Listen to you body!"

I have never been very good at listening to my body-- maybe that is part of the reason I ended up flat on my back with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome 10 years ago.

My body takes second string to the other "voices" of my mind, my heart, my wants (or will) and my sinful tendencies. I can easily listen to and hear the many Stephanie-shoulds... the many, many "ought-tos". I compare and judge myself.

To actually listen to the cues that my loving Creator, my Father, has put in my body is a concept that I have struggled with most of my life.

Exhaustion and fatigue come as a second/third/fourth reminder of a general "tiredness" that was the first, gentle nudge to take a rest. What if I just listened more to that first sign of "tiredness"--- of body, of mind, of spirit and or soul? ...never having to get to that exhaustion and fatigue.

Anxiety and "overwhelmed" are second/third/fourth reminders of that general feeling of calculation and control (list making!) red flag that Father God has shown me. What if I heard that "list-making" and "planning" as the first sign to sit for a moment and rest, trust and release it to my Father's hands. Would I never get to Overwhelmed??

I have even found this journey difficult when learning to rightly relate to food. What if I just ate when I was legitimately hungry and stopped when I was truly, physically "politely" full? What happens? I know this one; because in my battle against gluttony and food-lust, this as been the best cure: wait for the God-given clue of a growling stomach and stop when you are full. ...then wait for the growl again. Simple enough, right? For years, this has been my passport to freedom from food's domination. And yet, even here, I have other voices--- other hungers--- that call out and tell me to listen to them!

So, as I recover from my operation, I keep trying to figure out the "when" about this recovery (I want some rules please!)... when can I start to cook, to clean, to walk further and to sit for long periods of time? When should I do this or do that? And, then, my sweet husband reminds me that there is no formula. OH! how I like my formula and rules. There are only guidelines and my body to lead the way--- how ambiguous is that??!

So, I have to be aware of my heart and it's deceitful desires to trick me! And, I have to listen to those love gifts that my kind Father has given me and my body.

Me and my UNIQUE body... which is different than "hers", "his", ...yours. Don't we compare, too? ...which adds to the noise of those other voices.

I can listen to those first, God-given clues of tiredness, calculating, and hunger. ...and maybe I will avoid the exhaustion, the anxiety, and the gluttony. Now, that would be a sight to see!!

Help me, Father! Only You can teach me this. Make me truly aware of my heart, my lusts, and my shoulds. Make me aware of my body and how you have uniquely created it. Teach me and lead me forward in this, I ask.

Screamin' Dishes

They seem to scream at me from the kitchen. The pile of breakfast dishes in my kitchen yell, "Clean me!", as I pass by and peek into that dreaded room!

Will I respond to them? Will I be enticed by my own desire for order? Will I buckle to the pressure of the "Northern-European goddess of cleanliness and organization"? (as one author puts it)

Long ago we made a house rule that no work would be done on Sunday. ...a real, live Sabbath is what we were going for. A day of rest from work. A day for fun. A day for quiet and reflection. A day that would look different from the rest.

And, for me, that would be a day to...leave the sink, the laundry, and the dog hair on the floor. For me this day means I must leave the dishes and the ordering, cleaning, and picking-up. And, I rest. I read. I sleep. I write. I visit with good friends. I play with my kids. I take a walk and watch a video.

Sounds great in theory, right?

But, in actuality, it is tough for me. Really tough.

I imagine it wasn't terribly easy for Ruth, Mary, or Sarah, to leave the dishes. Even if Sarah had her housemaids, she wasn't allowed, according to God's law, to let her servants wash the dishes either. So, I can't just pass it off on my husband or my children. The dishes just get left.

They sit there and scream at me!

I like to get things done and check off the list. I am a task-oriented person. Order, clean and organization are a high value for me. So, dishes in a sink, laundry on the floor and an un-vacuumed carpet can be quite stressful.

It certainly makes this day "holy" or set-apart from the others! ...and that is what we are going for. ...and this is why it pushes and challenges me.

It pushes on my trust issues. Will I have the time, energy, brain-capacity to handle the double-work on Monday? Can I trust God's wisdom in giving us a Sabbath? ...wouldn't it be just easier to do today's work today? ...not leaving it for tomorrow? Can I trust that He had my best in mind when He says, "no work!". I know that these laws are based in His character of righteousness, holiness and LOVE. Can I trust His love in this?

I think I would rather just spend the extra 20 minutes and clean my kitchen.

Thus, we made the house rule...

Because, simply put, God does know best. And, this is His command. Not a law I MUST obey, I live under grace; but, certainly a law that He holds dear. Father God offers us rest in the Sabbath. He offers us trust that He will provide. He asks us for a day that is different from the others... set-apart, holy to Him.

So, today, I will let them scream. I will let them yell at me, greasy and piled high. And, I will leave them for tomorrow.

Do you know that every Monday, since beginning this particular Sabbath-journey, I have always had the time, the energy and the brain-capacity to get it all done. Those dishes are tomorrow's worries. ... I leave them there and focus on today.

Renew Thee in My Love

"....we know that we depend on something that is not of ourselves to keep us fresh and green.

And we know that we are sometimes too spent even to pray for it. We need not pray.

There are times when all that is asked of us is just what is asked of the leaves and flowers. They continue in the plant, the sap flows up to them.

Continue in my love. Remain in my love. ...Do not go away, He says. Be silent, then, in my love.

And as we are silent, letting our hearts rest in quietness in Him from whom is our expectation, He will cause the sap to rise.

He will renew us in His love."

~Amy Carmichael, Rose from Brier

Relax

He just says, Relax. ...and let go.

I can so easily get worked up about this or that. Important things. Stupid things. Equally so, I just get worried, or harried, or overwhelmed.

And, when I take a moment to sit.... When I sit in silence asking for His love to surround, to uphold, to cover ... He speaks. He whispers, Relax. His word speaks. His Spirit speaks. He shows up.

He speaks His Presence when I take the time to listen. In the midst of the busy, noisy life ...when I take that moment ... when I sit my rear-end in a chair (and sit my mind down too) long enough to listen, He speaks Himself. His Presence. His bigness. His care. His love.

I will be with you. I will carry you. I will walk with you.

I am here. I am with you. I am carrying you and walking with you.

All worry seems to fade, or dim. All anxious thoughts are surrounded and covered. All hurriedness is wrapped and quieted in that moment.

Teach me to listen, Lord. Make me more aware of You, Your sweet Presence and Your love today! Help me to relax and to let go. Help me to surrender.

“Stress isn’t a situation. Stress is a state of mind.” ~Ann Voskamp at A Holy Experience

The God given Pause

While reading this morning in a poignant book, God in the Yard, I was stirred by her discussion of Sabbath. The "pause".

Sabbath pause denotes trust. The ability to stop and leave it... is an act of trust. And, I don't do that well. It is hard for me to "let it lie" or "leave it for tomorrow". L.L. Barkat, in this sweet testimonial book, reminds the reader that Sabbath was not meant only for renewal or rest either. We can't go into the Sabbath with our "productivity" hats on and do it ---do the Sabbath thing---so that we will be well-rested and ready for the week... that puts productivity as the goal. Once again, the "tasks" or the "work" are the focus.

This one is not easy for me. I don't "let go" of things very easily and work, tasks and productivity are top on my list of difficult things to set down.

Sabbath is a pause. A moment in the week where I stop. I trust. I rest. And, I worship. Simply put, I "waste time with God". (Hmmm... my next book pick, I think, must be Wasting Time with God by Klaus Issler!)... okay, grabbing that one off the shelf.

So, today I choose to trust and today I decide to take a long pause. A long Sabbath... Stop the incessant, never ending work on the laundry pile, stop the email and facebook... and stop the blog. Stop the vacuum and the mop and the dishes and ... well, just stop. And, trust. And watch, wait and listen.

(Don't worry I will keep feeding my family... but we might be eating a lot of microwave quesadillas and spaghetti from a jar! ...smile)

A few days to pause. A few days to Sabbath. A few days for Advent.