Loved Even More Than Birdie

Every day, without fail, he comes to the window.

How he knows I am awake or how long he has been watching for me... only God knows!  My little friend---Mr. Black Bird.  Or, "Birdie" as we fondly refer to him.

Early each morning, I stumble downstairs and find myself a glass of water.  First things first...I am just trying to wake up!  And, without fail, Birdie flies over to my kitchen window.  He turns his head left, then right, trying to see me more clearly... I think.  Then he chirps.  Sometimes silently, just an open mouth chirp, like you might imagine from a young bird opening to his mother.  Sometimes he offers some soft sound. He is coming for food.  Raisins, to be exact.  (I have offered him alternatives without success)  His early morning cheeky begging for raisins is one of my great joys each morning.  I can hardly express the happiness it gives me to see him fly over---almost like he is announcing, "You're here!".

I adore his "feed me" eagerness and persistence.  I can walk around the kitchen for half an hour and he will wait.  Turning his head left, then right.  Mouth open.  Waiting.  Expecting.  He knows...  He just knows I can't resist him.  Too cute for words.

This was the keen picture which came to my mind today.  I was praying and telling God how thankful I was for His grand abundance of provision in my life.  There is so much He has given me---eyes that work, ears that hear, feet that function, a roof keeping off this horrid rain, a warm bed, food in abundance, and so so much more.  How can I even begin to articulate the gifts of goodness the Lord provides!?  I was in a moment of profound gratefulness... when this clear image of Birdie popped into my mind.

As I was prayerfully curious about the picture, I could sense God wanting to show Himself--- His heart.  This.  This, Stephanie, is how I feel about you. 

Like a flash, I had the thought that God loves to give.  ...No, not only loves...   God loves AND delights to give His kids good gifts.  It makes Him thoroughly happy when we come to Him for our food.  When we daily look for Him, wait for Him, and when we expect good things from His hand.  The joy I feel when I feed Birdie--- this.  This is how God feels about us.  We can bring Him joy.  You and me.  The thought of bringing joy and delight to God is truly staggering; and, certainly Biblical.

"You are precious in my eyes.... and I love you." (Isaiah 43:4)

"God the Father will give good gifts to those who ask Him." (Matthew 7:11)

"The Lord Almighty will take great delight in you..." (Zephaniah 3:17)

The verses are endless.  If you look for the heart of God---Old Testament and New--- you will see the heart of love, delight, and determination on God's part to give goodness to His people.

Lord, thank You for your daily provision for me.  You give me so many things... and even "raisins" (what I like!).  Keep my heart ready and waiting for You each day.  May I run to Your word and wait in anticipation for Your filling and feeding.  You delight to give me good things!  Your food is my hearts greatest desire, I know.  Keep me eager and persistent and ever looking for it---and looking for You.  

Every day.  Without fail.  I want to come to you and wait expectantly.

What does freedom look like?

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When talking about our fragile bodies, the word "mass" is never a good word. Mass is just a bad, bad word.

When the word mass comes with a measurement of length and depth and is found in your 17 year old daughter's abdomen... well, it is an absolutely sickening, horrid word.

She had been in pain.  We knew that the daily pain had been increasing... with frequency and intensity.  But, you just never expect.  We didn't expect it.

On January 14th, they found a mass in my daughter's upper abdomen.  The ultrasound tech poked, prodded and spent an extra 20 minutes measuring and trying to discern the realities of this mass.   In that beautifully new, pristine white, sterile, cold room, the doctor explained that there was a 3.6 cm x 3.5 cm x 1.5 cm mass.  He showed us the sonogram---there it was, plain as day...even to an untrained eye.   It needed more investigation and he scheduled a CT scan for the following day.

The next 48 hours was a wild mix of emotions.

We were in a different, foreign country.  We had only arrived the day before.  My husband was scheduled to speak at a 400 person conference in Asia on the topic of "Freedom".

Freedom.

For the past three months, as he had been preparing his lessons for the conference, it had become our family mantra, "What does freedom look like in this, Lord?"  ...when my email account is failing, when my friend is in depression, when my unsaved family member is in the hospital, when I spill beetroot juice on my white sweater, when the university decisions for our kids hang in the balance, when we are grieving the upcoming launch of our girl.... In these things, small and large, what does freedom look like?  

In jet-lag, in shock, in someone else's home.  With this news... what did this mean?  What was next? The mantra question just hung there around us, whispering into my soul.

What, Lord, does freedom look like in the midst of this?  

After we sent out an email to let our prayer partners know of the mass... the email responses began to come in.  Our friends, so many of our friends, were standing with us.  Praying, they wrote.  One after another wrote to us and told us, "We are praying!"  Our family, our friends... they were praying for us. These emails were a sweet balm.  As they came into our inbox, we read them together, prayed and felt the comfort of Father's kids worldwide standing in the gap.  Asking.  Pleading. Praying.

Our friends who live in this foreign land---they cooked for us, shuttled us to and from the hospital, prayed with us.  Laughed with us.  Cried for us.

Freedom looked like being the weak ones---the ones in desperate need of prayer and help.  Freedom looked like the comfort of the Body of Christ.  Freedom looked like unhindered asking... His kids knowing God's heart, His power and the possibilities asking on our behalf.  

For those who follow this blog regularly, or know me personally, you will know I am not a big "crier".  I don't cry easily.   I have often said that I have plenty of tears inside, they just don't seem to make their way out of me!  My crying friends  (which tend to be some of my favorite people) know that I envy them.  I tell my free-to-cry friends often what a gift their tears are to me.  If only... If only I could cry like that!

These past months, though, something beautiful has been shifting in me.  I finally asked a free-crying-friend to pray for me.  I asked her to ask the Lord to give me the gift of tears.  He has been answering.  Slowly but surely, I am crying!  ...weeping, in fact, at times.  I rejoice in this health.  I am still not a "crier"...and I don't anticipate that my personality will change... but, I am more free to allow the heavy, hard, tear-filled pain come and have it's way.  I am finding freedom to feel. Freedom to be sad---deeply sad---I am finding freedom to cry.

What, Lord, does freedom look like in the midst of this?

So, with this horrid, terrifying news, I quietly excused myself to the guest room...and I wept.  I wept freely and with faith that He was with me, He was hearing.  Lament in the purest form... I poured out my heart in tears to the Lord.  Pain,    pain,    pain... that was all the words that came with the tears. Just deep pain.

My baby girl.  My darling baby girl.

Pain. Pain. Pain.

Freedom in the Lord looked like pain and tears for me that night.  Freedom looked like feeling. Lament and surrender wrapped up in pain... there was deep freedom.

48 hours of deep pain...  waiting, watching, feeling...

As we waited in the hospital for the next poke, the gross green-colored juice to drink, and the IV... my daughter began to sing a song.  I don't remember what song it was... but it was quiet and it was worship.  It was surrender.  We joined her and sang.  A quiet singing in the busy, bustling hospital room. Freedom looked like surrender.  Freedom looked like worship.

On January 16th, the very same doctor looked at us and shook his head, shrugging his shoulders.  He said he couldn't explain the discrepancy.  The mass was gone.  The CT scan showed a clean, pristine, beautiful abdomen.  No mass.  No problems.  All was "healthy and good" in my girl's abdomen, he said.

It's a miracle!  I said this without really thinking.  It just popped out of my mouth as an exclamation. "We asked Jesus to take it away!" I told him.  He just shrugged his shoulders and smiled.  "There is no mass," he said.

No mass, he said.  These are good, good words.

We walked away with two CDs in our hands:  an ultrasound with a mass and CT scan without a mass.  Walking away with a documented miracle, and deep relief, my daughter and I jumped, danced and cried in the hospital!  Right there in that place, we freely expressed our joy.

Freedom looked like proclamation and witness.  Freedom looked like profession of joy, praise and worship---  Dancing and crying and hugging... looking a bit "mad" I am sure to any on-looker.

As we exited the hospital, aware that we wouldn't be back anytime soon, the phrase came into my heart... He said "yes!"

He said yes...  

I knew that freedom looked like receiving and rejoicing in His "yes" to our asking, our praying, our pleading.  Freedom looked like knowing He sometimes says "no"... but, today, He said yes.   Trusting Him for His answers.  The freedom to ask and to trust His kind, His all-knowing heart...

In this... In this there is freedom.

What Lord does freedom look like in this?  

...freedom looked like being exactly who I am with and in Jesus.  ...Needy and weak.  ...Honest and real.  ...it looked like surrender and worship.  Weeping. lamenting, rejoicing and laughing.  ...freedom looked like asking, hoping, pleading, expecting.  ...freedom looked like receiving and proclaiming.  ...witnessing and trusting.

You Lord, present in the the unknown, the scary, the painful,  the "no" and the "yes".  You, Lord, Present in the lament, the worship and the joy...  You, Lord, are our freedom.  
You are freedom, Jesus.  You.

It is for freedom that I am set free.... (Galatians 5:1)

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom... (2 Corinthians 3:17)

Old Videos...Old (and New) Grace

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Clunky, chunky old VHS tapes gather dust in the back of our television cupboard.  Tucked away in a place we never go, a place we forget, these video tapes sit quietly keeping record of another time---was it another life?

We pulled one out last week to watch with our kids.  We hadn't seen these tapes in over fifteen years.  In fact, I am not sure we have ever watched these tapes...

In the first scene, here she was---Stephanie---a blond pony-tailed girl, hardly touched by the early morning 5 AM taping of our departure!  Young kids we were... in our early twenties...  leaving the known of California and venturing out to follow God's call overseas.  Duffle bags, a scarf for my head and wearing a long skirt, we were flying away to Central Asia.  What were we thinking?!  We had only been married for 2 years. We knew that God was asking us to go.  

Bright eyed and not a speck of grey in my hair, we were so young!  

I watched and found myself judging that young Stephanie.  Liking "her" sometimes and not liking her much at other moments in the video tape,  I watched and judged and wondered...  who was she, anyway?  And, who am I now?  Did I like her better then?  Do I like who I have become now?  

Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?!   

As I sat in my clunky and chunky living room chair, I wondered and I prayed.  Feeling heavy with the memories of mistakes and victories, I needed to process these VHS moments.  In my mind's eye, I prayerfully walked through those fifteen years with Jesus... asking.  Watching... Wondering.  

What does He see?  What would He say? 

Taking a walk down memory lane with Jesus, I asked for His thoughts.  

His words poured over my soul.  Grace.  Unmerited favor.  

It is all grace.  

My grace has covered you since before you were born!  I have walked with you.  I walked with you then, Stephanie... yes, as you stumbled and fell.  Yes, as you stood firm and walked in victory.  

All along... I have poured out grace.

  

Grace.  Favor poured out.  

My grace has covered you and covers you now.  And, will continue to cover you.  Every day. 

Every day grace.  It is all grace, Stephanie.  Just grace.  Just beautiful, powerful, unexplained grace.    

"From the first to last... all my life will pass through grace!" ~Mike Rayson, "Just Grace"  

Beams of love

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...a single lovely rose was bought as a "pre-birthday" love gift.
...household chores were done to show love in my "love language".
...flowers dropped off at my house.
...gifts bought and special meals made.
...card delivered, hugs given and FB love poured over in abundance.

I turned 40 this week.
And, I was well-loved.

...she sent a list of 40 things she loves about me:  40 separate, sweet and thoughtful words.
...another sent a list of 40 moments and memories that we have together--the places and times our journeys have intersected.
...my colleagues filled 40 balloons with 40 things they like about me.  Forty scraps of paper.  40 amazing phrases and compliments.  Kind words, tender thoughts and love.

Why is it so hard sometimes to sit and receive such sentiment and love?  It is hard, though, isn't it?  At least, it is for me.  It was uncomfortable and beautiful all at once.  I loved it and hated it simultaneously!   I had to pray my way as I read those 40 things out-loud to the group...  just take it in, Stephanie.

Father, help me to just live open-hearted and receive this love!  
  

William Blake once wrote, “We are here to learn to endure the beams of love”.  I endured great beams of love this last week and I am learning to take them in!  What a blessing! 

  

And, so, I share with you here my "counting".  These friends counted up to 40 for me this week.  I am counting my way to 1,000:  counting 1,000 grace-gifts for which I am deeply, daily thankful.  I share with you here just a few of my list from this week:  

#17.  A warm fire.

18.  Snuggled up infront of the fire. 

21.  Prayer for others in the night. 

24.  A special red rose, a pre-birthday gift from my girl.

29.  The humility that she shows forth when she asks for help and for prayer.

30.  Honest tears of grief shared with me. 

37.  Giggling girls in the other room having fun. 

38.  Warm water!

43.  The gift of a beautiful, slow paced walk together. 

46.  40 memories arrives in my inbox.

47.  40 words, kind words, sent to my inbox with love. 

49.  Hard, loud conversations and a patient father that perseveres.

50.  A long, quiet afternoon to read. 

53.  A warm fire. 

54.  Friends for my kiddos. 

61.  Prayer singing with my kids.  

69.  Silly games online with family overseas.

72.  Adventures down the river. 

#74.  Outrageous generosity of friends.  

His beams of love over me are amazing... and I want to reflect those back even just a bit.

....I am joining and linking up with others from www.aholyexperience.com

Small Efforts

"The repetition of small efforts will accomplish more than the occasional use of great talents." - Charles Spurgeon

I read this quote this morning and thought, "Now, that is mothering summed up in a nut-shell!"  Parenting, really.  Life, actually!  

Repetition?  Yep.  Laundry.  Laundry.  Laundry.  Dishes. Dishes. Dishes.  Hugs.  Hugs.  Help with schoolwork.  Making of meals.  Night-time tucking little ones into bed.  Daily repetition.  

And, all these things are most certainly "small efforts" in the scheme of life, history and the world-at-large!  

Repeated.  And, small.  

But, I know Charles Spurgeon is on to something here.  I hear Truth and encouragement behind these words.  I do believe that these small things matter.    

Small things are only missed when they are lacking, aren't they?  When the "small efforts" are not made---we call this neglect.  But, when the small things are done and dusted, we take no notice.  

What do these things "accomplish" in the Kingdom of God?  I am not sure I can articulate the what, exactly.  But, I do know they have meaning.  It matters that my kids are well hugged, well-listened-to, well taught and well fed.  It matters that I answer that email.  And, it matters that I smile at my neighbor and stop to talk to that sweet lady on the street.  

Small.  Repetitive.  Yep.  But, strangely important.  

So, off I go to make some small efforts!   Off I go to make much impact with another load of laundry, another sink full of dishes, and another math lesson to teach!!  May it be for Your Glory, Father!  May it accomplish much for Your Kingdom!   

Overwhelmed by a gift

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She just took off her necklace and gave it to me.
A beautiful, hand-crafted piece of art, she took it off and gave it to me as she was leaving.  What!? Why would she do that?

"Stop, don't give me your necklace!" I cried, as she was unlatching it at the back of her neck. "You are not seriously giving that to me?!" I said, still trying to stifle the shocking generosity I was experiencing.

"I am."  she said in a matter-of-fact tone, with gentle smile.  "I wanted to bring you a gift and I didn't.  So, I will give you this."

Last night, I watched the awe-striking beauty of living in such freedom from things...

As A.W. Tozer might suggest that her possessions do not posses her.  She was not clinging to this thing...

"There can be no doubt that this possessive clinging to things is one of the most harmful habits in the life.  Because it is so natural, it is rarely recognized for the evil that it is.  It's outworkings are tragic."  ~A. W. Tozer

Last night I saw open handed generosity, I watched it and received it.  I felt it's kindness and sweetness placed and secured around my neck.

Having lived most of our adult lives overseas and on faith-based financial support, we have the unique opportunity to see generosity in the Body of Jesus daily.  We really do.   Early in our ministry, living on the donations of churches and individuals was a horrible burden for me---a difficult struggle for my heart.  The tightness of a small budget, the ambiguity of how much would come in each month, the pressure and judgement I felt living "on other people's money"... all of these felt heavy and hard.  

And, now, instead--- I love it.  I truly love it.

In the 15 years of living overseas, something has changed deeply inside of me.  God has taught me something right and real.  He has shown me that it is ALL His money, through His kids, to support His kids and His kingdom.

All of it--- all of us--- all His.

I get to see God provide through His people every day.  Through the generosity and faithfulness of His people, I have seen His provision and blessing in abundance.  I know each phone bill is paid because one of His children, my brother, has given to support us.   I know that each time I get on an airplane, He has bought the airline ticket and used some of His children to give us that gift.

And God's people are a very generous lot, I might say.  Not only is God using His kids to pay our rent and our medical bills; but we have above and beyond our "needs".  There have been times when we have been given temporary houses and cars in spades.  We have been given gift cards and "fun money"!  ...And, books and coats and ipods.  And yesterday I was given a necklace.  Why would she do that?!  My heart still reels with the profound generosity in the act of giving and receiving.  I am still overwhelmed by the gift.

We talked about it as a family as we drove away last night.  What fun it is to watch generosity!!  She blessed my heart--- deeply.  She blessed "my socks off!" with her gift.  And, I wondered out loud if maybe her heart felt blessed in the giving.  Her smile and gentleness indicated she was touched by the gift, as well.

It IS certainly good fun to give, too, isn't it?!  

Both of us blessed.  Both of us living out, living under, the beauty of giving:  the giving and the receiving.
For, "this is love..."  (I John 4:10)  and "this is love..." (Romans 5:8)

Fish counting

I just read a piercing blog post at A Holy Experience. And, as I sit here I feel compelled to "count my fish" just as the disciples did that foggy, early morning in John 21.

And, so begin to I count...

1. Ridiculous generosity shown to our family each month, every month.... for 10 years.

2. More mind-boggling and insane financial gifts yesterday.

3. Coffee and quite moments.

4. Warm oatmeal, eaten with morning chatter.

5. A little boy who still wants to climb up on my lap in the mornings.

6. A little girl who wants her back scratched and can never get enough.

7. Exercise, sweat, and stretching.

8. A computer.

9. Honest blog posts that touch my soul.

10. Kind emails that rejoice with us.

11. Friends that will rejoice with me even when their day is hard.

12. God's Word... fresh for today.

13. A comfy chair.

14. A sweet neighbor that smiles and waves as she passes by.

15. A sweet pup who is ever hopeful, ever expecting a treat.

16. My 8 year old "Rockband" drummer that is as cute as can be.

17. Good books.

18. Happy voices playing in the next room.

19. A piano and piano practice.

20. Sunshine and frost playing on my window.

21. Music.

22. Pictures drawn by little hands.

23. Making plans for the future and excitement about upcoming events.

24. Opening an early Christmas present. ... just because.

25. The smell of baking apple pie.

26. A difficult night sleep that allowed quiet moments to pray.

27. Pain and suffering. Past memories to bring again to the feet of Jesus.

28. Allergy medicine and a warm shower.

29. The gorgeous, blue-eye-man-that-I-love smiling at me.

30. A God who pursues...

and pursues... and pursues.

A Friend who pursues me and fills my net with abundance... my net is breaking this morning as I drag myself to the shore and count the fish.

Takin' care of me

My Father in heaven is always watching over me. Psalm 121 speaks of Him four different time as being the "keeper" (protector, or guard) of His people. He is my ward. My caretaker. He is my keeper.

Just as some days I seem to be more aware of my desperate need for His protection, there are days when I become keenly aware of His keeping. Today, His keeping has been tangible.

Yesterday I worried. I allowed the planning, the schedule and the future to overwhelm me and I slipped head-long into worry. As I fretted and worried, ... I schemed and planned... trying to figure it all out and make it fit. Did I even pray or ask Him to help? Yes. Yes, I suppose I did. But, not with much faith that He would, as sad as that sounds. I did bring it to Him a bit... but mostly, I just worried and calculated. How was it all going to fit? How was I going to get it all done?

Today He just showered me with gifts. He gave me answers and through His kids (my sisters in Christ) He provided help I wasn't even willing, or planning, to ask for. He just said, "Stephanie, here, my love... here is the help you need." He truly just put the help, the answers, "the scheme" right in front of me and gave me what I needed.

And, I am not worried tonight.

Last night I worried. Tonight I rest in the confidence that He provides. Simple grace. Undeserved blessing. Simple mercy from loving Father that gets how dull and how unfaithful I can be. Simple love through His hand, through His people.

My Father is always guarding me. He is always protecting me. He is my keeper. He does not sleep. Although this is always true of my Father, today my heart is full of this truth and rejoicing. May I grow in trusting this kind, loving, protecting Father.

I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber;indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. Psalm 121

First class Suffering

A friend yesterday, through tears, shared with me that he believes that choosing faith and walking with God was most definitely "a first class ticket on the suffering train". I couldn't disagree with him. He isn't wrong.

Somewhere along the line we, in the West, we have believed that Christianity was a means to "happy families", "successful business" and "a healthy body". Don't get me wrong. It isn't that God doesn't bless. He does. He blesses and loves to bless. He absolutely does! And, I love to ask for His blessing.

I am living in blessing. I wake up with abundance everyday... food filling my cupboard, a husband I love, children that smile and laugh, and even a happy dog. I am living in green pastures. But, these physical blessings aren't really what I am talking about. And, even they certainly aren't a guarantee. While tremendously blessed, in fact, I do suffer.

I think the longer I walk with God the more I do truly suffer. I suffer deeply actually. As I soften to God... When I allow my heart to open up... If for a moment, I contemplate the eternal state of my family that do not know Him, the reality of my sweet neighbor boy that is growing up without a father, and the reality that in certain parts of India there are no little girls over the age of 5 because they have all been sold into sexual slavery. When I look about me at the innumerable empty eyes, the thirsty souls and the sad state of my friends and neighbors.... My heart aches and suffers. Sometimes, I feel that I can hardly stand it. As I pray, I suffer. And, this is blessing.

As I get to know the Father of Creation, His loved Son and the Spirit that lives in me... the aching increases. While I get to "taste and see that the Lord is good" (Psalm 34:8) and my taste buds more keenly register His goodness, so does my mouth sicken at the hint of sin. My stomach turns and my insides cringe at the evil, the darkness, and the dirt in this world.

I know I am rambling a bit here... but, I do believe my friend is right. I believe that Christianity is a call to both blessing and suffering. Both. And. I need to grow in my understanding and grasp a theology of suffering and the theology of blessing. What is the true blessing and the suffering that He promises, exactly? From the Old Testament to New Testament he seems to promise both.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2

God says, "when"... not "if". When you walk through the waters. ...it is a given. Trials, difficulties, suffering and persecution are a sure thing throughout Scripture. The question is what are "the waters" in my life... do they include suffering and blessing?Season to season the answer to this could be very different.

A first class ticket to suffering, my friend said. I am so glad that God says over and over again... "when you pass through deep waters, I will be with you".

So, I ride "first class" on the suffering train. (I have always, always wanted a "first class ticket!")

But, according to Isaiah, I don't ride it alone! And, I will not burn. The fire, or fires, will not consume me. This is blessing!! Presence and deliverance, protection and care are promised. This is the beauty of our green- pasture-and-valley-of-death Father! He is with us. And, on this train, this dark train... "darkness is as light to Him" (Psalm 139).

He is the one I want to ride through this life with! He is the one I want sitting with me in my comfy first class seat of suffering.

Father's Shine

Listening to a sweet song called "Shine" today, I cried again. Oh! ... this ministry of tears! How can I express in words the deep joy that wells up, mixed with deep sorrow... Rain and sunshine stormed and shone in my soul as I cried and prayed over the nations, my friends, my neighbors, and my family.

The song is a simple verse put to beautiful music. Simply it says, it sings....

May God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face shine,

Make His face shine,

Make His face shine... upon us. (Psalm 67:1)

That Your ways may be known,

Your salvation among the nations.

Shine.

Shine.

As I prayed, in my mind's eye, I could just see His face, my sweet, dear, Almighty, loving Father's face shining. Can you just imagine it? Can you imagine His face shining in all His glory, His Truth, His light, His righteousness, His grace, His love? Imagine it a moment and sit in that for a sweet minute.

I could almost picture His face shining on... the nations, my family, my friends, my neighbors... and it was beautiful. Each one... one by one, I pictured His face shining on them as they came to mind. It was a beautiful picture and it was a painful picture. What it could be if they would reflect the shining? What could it be if He would shine and they would turn and look up?

There was beauty in the moment because the picture is "as it should be"! I can almost see her, my friend, with His face shining on her ... and her face upward turned in worship. But the moment was mixed with pain and sorrow. Joy and sorrow meet. Painful, because she doesn't yet seek it, she doesn't see it, she doesn't know His love. Painful because the picture is the "not yet" and instead a hoped for "what could be".

What does it look like for the gracious face of God to shine on someone? I don't have to look far. He shone on me. He has shone on me so many, so many times. His face has shone. His face shines on me.

Make Your face shine my sweet Father!

"Let the light of your face shine upon us, O Lord." Psalm 4:6

To listen to this prayer song, go to http://www.owm.org/music-media/music and on the right click on Shine (2009) album and play "Shine" the song. See if you can't help but pray with them as they sing!! ...and you might even cry!

Or enjoy the video with the song.

"The Lord bless you and keep you;the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace." Numbers 6: 24-25

Giving from Plenty

Our apple tree has been amazing this year. The crop has been crazy big and so fruitful, I can't seem to get all the apples peeled, chopped, and frozen before I need to harvest a new batch. The funny thing about this blessing is that it can be overwhelming... how can something so good feel like too much sometimes!

I realized again, as I harvested (the last?) ripened fruits from this flourishing tree, that I had freedom... maybe even leading.... to give away more and more. These past 6 weeks I have given bags and bags of apples away. And, filled my freezer! ...abundance. I get tired of the abundance. I get tired of the giving. I think to myself today "with these last few... should I just trash them?"

Do I really have to be a good steward of ALL the blessings, ALL these pesky apples!! Or, can I just choose to throw them away. Can I just be done giving today? Certainly I am sick of seeing apples... aren't my family, my neighbors and friends sick of them too?!

Give them away. This is what I believe He whispers into my heart and I must obey. To continue giving away the blessings I have received and to never scorn the abundance that is dropped in my lap. I must continue to give... as Father continues to give, both apples and otherwise.

If my friends, my family, and my neighbors are sick of my giving... my apples, my prayers, my service, and my statements about faith then they can deal with those "blessings" put in their laps. I suppose it is their job to choose to trash it or to use it or to give it away themselves. I just know I need not stop giving.

Father, I will choose to be a good steward of the abundance of blessings you have showered down on me! I have been given so much! I will...freeze some, eat some, and give lots away...

Talkin' like a foolish woman!

"You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"

Strange as it may sound, I am internally much more comfortable with suffering than with blessing. Not that I like to suffer. But, in my soul somewhere that "feels" better, more holy, more okay.

My life is really good. I have so much. Truly, I am over-blessed. I have a sweet relationship with Jesus, an amazing husband, two healthy children, good friends, a beautiful home... and on and on and on goes the list. Blessings in abundance. Am I the only one that struggles with this? Sometimes in raw moments I find myself almost apologizing for the blessings and good things. In quiet moments, I sometimes wonder if God can love me "even though" I am not suffering for Him. No, okay, I never really wonder that exactly--- that would be wrong, on-its-head, theology. But, my wonderings do get a bit close to that place of questioning God's okay-ness with the happiness in my life. Is He okay with this?

I think all my life I believed I would suffer. I remember telling a mentor once about this thought process and she was shocked, "Why would you think that? Why would you say that?" That was the first time I questioned the assumption of suffering I had always made.

I think I have prepared, waited for, and relied on the fact that one day I would suffer,... big suffering. And, I just haven't. Has life been perfect for me? No. I have had my share of hurt and some suffering... but, I guess I have always assumed that martyrdom or death of a close loved one was to be my lot.

Now, today, my boundary lines fall in very pleasant places. My lot is sweet. (Psalm 16:6)

I came home yesterday after a peaceful, beautiful, spirit-filling prayer walk in the fields. BLESSING! As I came in the door, I felt the tinge of guilt that sometimes plagues me--- too much blessing!! Something isn't right if it is good... not enough suffering... Silly thoughts like this came poking at my mind. As a response to the poking, roaming thoughts, I began to sing a familiar song, "Blessed be Your Name". I sang it loud and clear with emphasis on the "when the sun is shining down on me. When the world's all that it should be... Blessed be your Name!". I was speaking to my soul with this song. 'Streams of abundance flow' right now in my life. He gives and takes away. He gives. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

My heart tends toward worship when I hear the "take away" part. I am okay with that. At least in theory I am okay with that... But, where is the worship with the "He gives" part? Well, I chose worship yesterday! Out loud, off-key worship for the blessings!

In Philippians 4, Paul talks about contentment in both need and plenty. He says he knows the secret to this kind of contentment... Jesus. Jesus is the secret to being content in all circumstances. My Jesus' has the strength I need to be content in both hunger and when I am well fed.

In this very "fat" time, too, Jesus' strength can help me find contentment.

Job 2 says, "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"

God says to my heart today, "Stephanie, you are talking like a foolish woman. Shall you accept bad from God, and not good?"

Extravagant Love

The other day we were invited to have dinner out. It isn't that we can't afford a restaurant exactly... But, wanting to be careful in the choices we make with our finances... Ugh. A "check" in my Spirit, you might call it. I didn't feel the freedom to go out for dinner. Just hours before we had been talking about the fact that all our money is God's money. It is all His! It is a good thing to remember when the many things to buy, to do and to eat are calling out for consumption in this land o' plenty! I had also struggled with a bought of worry this week after a peek at our finances. So, I felt the heaviness of a decision of eating out that night.

Discussing the "dinner plan" decision in the car was no help at all. I mean, come on Mom!, the decision was ...Leftovers at home. Or dinner out with friends...? Anyone can guess what the kids' vote was! But, this isn't a democracy, right?!

And, so I found myself in a conversation with God. He is the owner... why not ask Him what He thought about us using His money to eat out. Lord, would you have us go to dinner tonight? What would you like us to do with your money tonight? No answer. Stillness and peace, but no answer. (minus the "voting" going on in the back seat of the car).

I walked in the front door and on the ground in front of me was an envelope. An envelope had come in the mail from some friends and can you guess what was inside? Cash. No joke. In it was money and a note telling us that we were loved. The note told us to use the money for a night out, ...maybe an ice cream! The note insisted we use it for something 'extra' and unnecessary. I knew instantly that God was answering me. He was saying "yes" this time. He had answered my question. Why does this still surprise me?

Extravagant love. It was extravagant love from my friends who thought to send it. It was extravagant love from my Father who delivered it through the mail slot just at the perfect time in response to my question... knowing all along that I would ask Him. It was a relatively "small" gift that felt exceedingly extravagant and communicated love to my heart. Thank you Lord! You do own it all!

Blessed be the Name

photo source

Imagine living on the steps of Western China. You live almost entirely isolated. You and your family and your sheep. One early morning as the sun rises, you hear the approach of a horse and rider. As he approaches you can see the slight smile on his face. As he swiftly dismounts he calls out words declaring he has good news! Good news! ...Your best friend has had her child... The enemy located on the other side of the valley has left... The village elder is well and the sickness has not taken him. In old Kazakh culture you were required to give a large gift to any bearer of good news. Of course, you would instinctively run in your yurt and find a gift for this dear deliverer of good news.

Well, we would be out a few hundred dollars this week if we practiced this wonderful custom! Good news has been flooding into our home...

Two pieces of VERY good news has brought much rejoicing in the last 24 hours! We have actually had more than one "victory dance" displayed in our living room! (Can you just picture Dave doing a victory dance?!) Thank you, Lord, our hearts rejoice. Ah, Thank you, Jesus, I whisper with relief and gratefulness. Tears of joy. Smiling from ear to ear. Good news!

On the heels of hearing good news, I was worshiping this morning. So distinctly, the song "Blessed be the Name of the Lord" came to my mind. God used the words of this song to powerfully remind me of an important truth in the midst of our good news. Today, "the sun is shining down on me and the world is all that it should be". For me right now, "The streams of abundance flow!" and I want to turn back and praise, saying "Blessed be the Name of the Lord".

Blessed be the Name of One who knows all All, who is All powerful, who is love. Blessed be the Name of the One who is Present, the One who is good and the One who hears, who sees. Blessed be the Name of the One who answers prayers!

After worship, I had the chance to talk to my sweet cousin whose baby is in the hospital with severe seizures and no answer. My heart was torn with such deep sadness as we talked. I can't even put myself in her situation and relate to what it might be to sit and watch your son in this situation.

As we talked and she shared about God's sustaining grace, my heart welled up with the truth that the Lord had so pointedly reminded me of earlier... "When the darkness closes in... When I am found in the desert place and when I walk through the wilderness"... still I will say!! my heart will choose to say!! ..."Blessed be your Name" She is saying this. She is sitting in a hospital with her dear one hooked up to monitors and wondering about his future. And still she chooses to say!...Blessed be the Name of One who knows all All, who is All powerful, who is love. Blessed be the Name of the One who is Present, the One who is good and the One who hears, who sees. Blessed be the Name of the One who answers prayers!

Every blessing you pour out, I will turn back to Praise. And, when the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say, Blessed be the Name of the Lord!

We bless your Name, Lord Jesus!

Much has been given

Today I had the privilege to attend my little brother's graduation from USC. What a joy! There were many different speakers and many words spoken. One word, though, stuck with me and affected my behavior even this evening. The Valedictorian spoke of the responsibility we have to our Creator (he called it Providence) to use the gifts we have been given to help others. It was such a simple message; and yet, it was delivered eloquently and with passionate exhortation. He reminded the students that their hard work, their intellect and the opportunities they now had did not afford them pride in their success, but instead required humility, gratitude and generosity. You have no right to claim these gifts as from you; but, instead given to you to be used for the good of others. He quoted the passage in Scripture that says, "To whom much has been given, much will be required". Now, even though his use of this passage was a slightly out of context, it was powerful none-the-less.
The phrase "blessed to be a blessing" swims around in my head as I sit here thinking about the point he was making. I have been blessed beyond blessed. I have been blessed with wealth, a keen mind, a tender heart, a healthy body, a happy marriage, two amazing kids, a large number of people who love me, and the growing knowledge of my Father, the Almighty God, creator of heaven and earth. The blessings are innumerable.
I can be so very selfish. I can hold too tightly to my money (how ironic given that we are living on the support of so many open handed people!). I can hold too tightly to my time, my comfort and my sleep! I naturally give when it is easy, but stumble to bless others if it hurts or is inconvenient. Oh, I have much to learn! These blessings, these gifts, they are not mine. I am not my own. I have been bought with the blood of my precious Saviour.
As I walked out of the grocery store this evening with a cart full of food that I could afford to buy, I was reminded of this morning's striking speech. The thought was clear. You have been given much! I passed the kind, gentle man who sat there collecting money for homeless ministry and it was a natural desire to give back. As I walked up to him and asked him how his evening was going, he said (as a bit of God's word to my heart), "I am blessed!".
I am blessed. I have been given much and much is required of me.
Lord, give me eyes to see how I can be a blessing to others. Give me a generous heart and open hands.