I felt deep sadness. I know his words were not meant to hurt. He would never intentionally want to hurt me, I know this. But, instantly, I could feel the pain welling. The tears rose, slowly brimming at the edge---threatening to spill over. Later, in the quietness and stillness of the morning hours, I could let them pour forth. Sadness. Just deep, profound sadness.
Learning to stay curious about my emotions has been life changing. I am so grateful for this gift.
Why, Lord? Not an intellectual question, as such... but, a soul question. A question of wonder, awe, and simple curiosity. I am asking God, the One who knows and sees all, to show me to me.
Why, Lord? Why did his words pain me so?
It's old... deep, and old.
Old, past wounds were surfacing with the simple scratch of his now words. They touched something deep. They touched a young me. They hurt. Not because he was hurting me. They hurt because there was a painful spot, deep within, that was being poked. Call it scars. Call it a sore spot. His words touched something before...
But, we've looked at these many times, Lord.
Yes, many, many times.
So, why is this coming up again? Why, Lord? It feels so fresh. Show me, Lord. Show me, me.
My life is dripping with abundance. Truly. So, why this sadness today? It's not about today.
I asked and I sat. I cried and I prayed. I journaled. I picked up the Scriptures and He opened my eyes, again, to His big, grand why-plan...
In Isaiah 40, God speaks so tenderly to the heart of His people. He tells them to be comforted. Comfort, comfort we hear Him say. What comes in the next section surprised me and jumped off the page at me today... They can be comforted because their sin is forgiven AND because..."Every valley shall be raised up. Every mountain will be made low. Every rugged and crooked place straight. The rough places will be made a plain."(Isaiah 40:4)
This is WHY... this is the why-plan God is activating in my life as I stay curious about my painful, wounded past hurts.
The truth is, in all of us---every. single. one.--- there are valley places, crooked places, and rough places in our souls. He loving heart is to smooth us out. He is clearing out the debris. He is straightening out the wrong, bent parts of me. Making me... inside me... a straight, plain place. He is making me a green pasture.
The words said to me this morning were not meant to hurt me, I know that. They were innocent words that happened to fall upon a crooked place in me. In the quiet and the stillness of moments with God, I can visit those crooked, bent places and have a look. With Him, I can look intently at the pain. I see the data point that is my strong, painful emotions. I stay curious and ask the Spirit of the Lord, who knows all things, to show to me, myself. And, I trust His work to raise up those valleys.
It just jumped out at me. She said it, really, just in passing. Smack dab in the middle of another story she said it. And, in that moment, it was as if from the computer Skype screen it jumped out and snatched my heart.
There are those moments. They are often small, really. Small, yes, but not insignificant. I think they are profound moments to be alert to---watch for and be awake.
It was just in passing. It rolled off her tongue. What is He inviting you to today? she said.
What. ... His. ...Invitation. ...You. ...Today.
Today. Now.
Recently a few friends have shared with me the pain and suffering of the dark, grey hues of an unclear future. These friends look ahead and don't know what to do. All in remarkably different situations and circumstances. All are uneasy, in the least. Some are truly panicked. All deeply afraid and even angry. What was/is God doing? What is coming? What am I supposed to do? I don't know what to do? It makes no sense. There is no path forward. I have heard these questions and statements spoken over and over again. I have been troubled with them, holding their pain, and praying for each one. Today, I was reminded me that in each case the worries are about tomorrow---all about the future.
The future. Not today.
Psychological studies say that we spend at least 75% of our time thinking about the future--- be it next week, next month, or ten years from now. And, other statistical analytical studies show that 95% of what we think about (that 75 % of the time) never comes true... or never even shows up as a reality.
Tomorrow. ...or even tomorrow's tomorrow!
What about the now, Stephanie? What is He inviting you to today?
The question 'what am I supposed to do?' ...when asked about the now... is usually, and generally, not that difficult. What am I supposed to do now? Well... now ...I need to take a shower, or clean this pile of laundry, or answer that email, or make some dinner, or go to bed.
It is the future that trips us up. It is the future that can trip me up. What is around the corner? What do I need to prepare myself for? Or, what will happen if...? or What am I supposed to do?
I am struck that regardless of where I am on the journey; whether in the dark valley or the green pastures (Psalm 23), it is very clear what I am supposed to do in the now. God tells me. If it's the valley... I am to sit and feast at the table. Sit down, eat and receive.
His Word. His Presence. God's very self is the food I need as I 'walk' in the valley of the shadow of death. Let Him pour over me His oil, Himself. This is the invitation for today... in this dark valley.
If I find myself in the green pastures... what am I to do? Lie down. Follow. Rest. Enjoy. Be refreshed. Again, pretty clear what I am to do today.
As over simplistic, over used, misused, and even trite as it may sound or feel as I type these words on a page: "Do not worry about tomorrow" ... these words feel utterly essential for my heart today.
For my friends. For me.
I want to look for His invitation to sit down and eat. Today. Or, to wade in the water, rest and lie down. Can I just get on with it and fix dinner, or write that email, or fold that laundry while feasting on Him? Can I simply do what I need to do today, and let His love and goodness follow and surround me?
It was a passing comment in response to my exclamation and exasperation about the time travel and jet lag that was plaguing me.
I have been officially traveling, as a living, for nearly 25 years. One might think I would get used to it. But, I haven't.
I have indeed become better acquainted with the challenges. I have gotten much better at managing the sleepless nights, the hours on an airplane, and the dizzy feeling and nausea that I experience for days after arriving in a new time zone. But, the truth is... I was not made to rush from one world to another. It just feels unnatural.
It feels jarring. Jerking. Shocking, in the least.
Like Lucy stepping through C.S. Lewis' wardrobe, I feel the disruption intensely when I feel the new ground under my feet. I get confused. I get utterly confused--- in my soul--- as I step into the new world.
I have felt confused for days now Out of step. Out of whack. Where am I? Was I actually in Asia, just three days ago?
Age old struggles rear their ugly head and I feel like I don't quite know how to act, to think, or sometimes even... to pray.
I told someone yesterday that "my soul has yet to catch up with my body". (I stole that phrase ages ago from a preacher who travels!) My body is here. My physical actions are well rehearsed and accurate. But, I just don't 'feel' here. It's like Stephanie hasn't quite arrived in this new land.
And, I feel this most every time I travel.
No, I am not used to it.
Driving in the car yesterday, I was listening to a favorite song. As the words washed over me and my mouth moved with the lyrics... there was a single moment in time where I started to "feel" the words of the song. Tears welled on the edge of my heart and my eyes. Almost like my 'self' started to finally engage. In that moment, I had the funny, passing thought...
"Oh! There you are!"
Defrosting. Awakening. Catching up...
I think today I finally feel a bit more here. Able to know again how to act, to think... and, this morning, knowing again how to pray.
I don't think we are made to time travel. The stretching of myself between lands, peoples, cultures, time zones, and such distance feels unnatural. ...almost like I was created for one garden. One beautiful garden.
You will commonly hear me say to my daughter... who lives 5,332 miles away from me (not that I've counted...ha!) "We were supposed to live in tents next door to each other... always".
I don't know.
But, I do know that I am certainly not used to it... I also know that, in time, my soul will catch up with my body.
Like destinations, there are many lessons that I wish I could just check off my
list... and say I "have learned" this! Been there. Done
that.
While certainly there have been lessons learned; I seem to circle back to
'same-old' places over and over again.
But, the one lesson that seems to be a reoccurring and reoccurring theme in my
life is the lesson of "loved". I have both known it and not known
it for many, many years. For, "knowing" and surrendering-to-it
are two very different things.
When I began this blog 8 years ago this very theme is clear in much of my
writing---I wrote on my "Why
Koodaigirl" page: "I desire to live as loved".
This is still my same desire; and it only grows stronger, deeper, and
more profound. More hungry.
In the journey, though, along with the difficulties and struggles, we also have
moments of great victory. I have been seeing this victory lately in my
life. I can't really say when it began exactly; before time, it feels.
For God has been speaking to me of His love my whole Christian life.
All I really remember from my salvation day (at age 15) was a message
about love. I don't know what else Larry said that day... but, he said
something very significant about the love of God. That day I walked
through the door of "loved" and have been journeying inward ever
since.
These last months something significant has shifted. I not only deeply
believe, with all my mind, that God loves me (a profound gift
He gave me about 10 years back); I now feelHis love "poured
out in my heart" (Romans 5:5) on a very regular basis. Where
I have felt it here and there for years, I am "knowing" this abiding
love. I am experiencing His love filling me. This is no small
miracle. My physical healing 15 years ago was "nothing" in
comparison to this battle won!
This knowing of God's love... to my mind AND to my heart is a great gift.
A gift I believe He wants to give all His children.
I have to admit it took many pleas from my wooing Lord. He has used songs
multiple time (the funniest was the 80's classic, "I can't make you love
me.") He has used dreams, people, gifts, blessings, and suffering.
And, He has many, many times used His Word. "Do not harden
your heart" was the most recent Biblical phrase that led me to repent of
my hardening to His love and His rest---it led me to lean-in and open my hands.
(Why I harden my heart is another conversation to be shared
another time!)
After spending the day with Him yesterday and enjoying this love---sitting with
it, working with it, eating with it--- I lay in bed last night and had a memory
flood into my mind. It was of our first trip to visit Wales 7 years ago.
When I walked into the house we currently live in there was a sign:
"Loved". Like a message from His Spirit to my soul, I
knew then that it was for me. He was, yet again, speaking love over
me.
So, last night after seeing this memory, I said to the Lord, "Wow!
It has taken 7 years for me to be won over to this amazing love!
Wow...You have had to work for me for 7 years like Jacob, Lord!"
Instantly, I heard in my spirit, something akin to "Longer..."
Longer, Stephanie.
Yes, Lord, much longer. Like Rachel. I am Your Rachel!! You
worked for over 14 years for me to accept and receive Your love. I fell asleep relishing in the fact that I am Jesus' Rachel. What a
blessed thought. In the morning, I woke remembering it with a smile. I am the Lord's
Rachel. His bride. His beloved.
But, even as I write this... right now...the word I heard last night still
lingers and speaks. Longer... I have worked longer for you...
"For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and
blameless in his sight... in love..." (Ephesians 1:4)
There are days when it all feels very heavy and dark. The world. The news. The sadness.
But, today, I awoke with a sadness that was almost oppressive. Sadness seemed to hang around my neck as I rose from bed. It pulled me down and filled my chest as I sipped my coffee. Grief sat in my throat as I ate and weighed heavy as I walked to church. As worship began, the tears hung heavy in my eyes... slow, big, fat, hot tears.
Heavy, dark sadness.
I was sad... deeply saddened by the state of my heart.
Simply put, in my life, there is a certain way of thinking and seeing that is just wrong. Profoundly wrong. I know it is wrong; and yet, I still think the crooked thoughts and see with these darkened eyes. There seems to be nothing I can do to change it. Years, my heart cries. Years and years I have seen this way and battled against it. Years, Lord! I cry out...longing for this to be changed.
I even know why I might naturally think this way... I am aware. I know the history--- I understand the where it came from. God has shown me. And, that has helped. Awareness is definitely good.
But, still. Still, I can't shift it. I can't seem to change or fix the pattern. My friend refers to these places as tectonic plates in our souls. I seriously need an big 'ol 8.0 to shake these set ways of seeing. Where can I go and what can I do?
It was one moment in time...
One swift moment. This morning, in the midst of this heavy grief over my sin...
One young man reading one well-known passage in Scripture.
A phrase. A line from the text. The Word jumped out of his teenage mouth into my dark heart and there was instantaneous light. I felt it. One beautiful moment... Truth and light.
I quickly found the passage to read it again. I couldn't take my eyes off it! I read and read. As I read the Word, I could literally feel the surge of hope. I could feel the light swelling and pushing out the sadness.
"Every valley shall be raised up. Every hill made low. The rough ground shall become level and the rugged places a plain." (Isaiah 40:4)
Rugged and rough places. Dark valleys...
In my minds eye I could see the rough and rugged reality of my soul--- these wrong ways of thinking and the dark valleys where my eyes could not see rightly.
My soul. Rough. Rugged. Thorny and full of stones.
As if I could hear the Spirit of the Lord this morning saying over me, "Make a straight path for our God!" (Isaiah 40:3) He commands it. The Lord wills it. Over me, He speaks... I will make it level!
In me. In and over these rough places. In me... a straight path. Level ground. A green plain. A straight pathway for the glory of the Lord.
This is the gospel. This is what Jesus has done for me. This is what Jesus is doing in me... The now and the 'not yet'. He has shifted. He will shift. And, He continues to shift the rocks and make way for His way in and through me. I have seen it. I will continue to see it.
Light shone into my darkness this morning. This morning, I, once again, saw a great light. The darkness will not overcome it. He is making all things new. This will shift. This will change.
There are days when it all feels very heavy. Yes.
Today, I will wait. I will hope and I will watch for the Lord. With joy, now, hovering over my head and light filling out the spaces of my heart---I wait.
My advent.
"And then, imperceptibly, it was death and winter that yielded, and life and spring stood at the door and beckoned." ~ Elizabeth Goudge, Towers in the Midst
Or. Should I say I am naturally inclined to try to fix things? Or... even more accurately, I desperately want things to be fixed. And, by things---I guess I should say people.
Yep. People. I want to fix people.
I am so naturally inclined to want to try to fix people. Myself, very much included.
A friend recently reminded me that people---any person--- "Is not a problem to be fixed". People are not a problem. People are a beautiful, created soul. Each person I interact with is a unique soul to be loved, heard, seen, and encouraged. NOT a problem to be fixed.
Oh how I need to remember this...
Why do I so want to fix the world, others, and very-especially myself?
If, indeed, Jesus is the author of faith and the finisher/perfecter of faith (Hebrews 12:2). Then, at no point in any person's journey, is it for me to try to fix and/ or correct their faith. I can't create faith---I can't author it. And, I certainly can't perfect faith. The job of the Almighty Author is to write faith and then bring each faith story to completion.
I just get to read. I get to love the story... or not. I get to engage my heart, 'get really into' the book, and open up to what I see in the story being written.
People are as different as any two books!
My job is to read the "stories" God is writing and bringing along my path...
I can interact with them, engage my heart in the story I am reading. I can certainly cheer for the Hero of the story, applaud the good I see, and---like any good book--- profoundly long for the lovely outcome and conclusion the Author will bring about! I can really, really want a happy ending.
But, plain and simple: I am not the Author of Life. I am not the Author of faith...mine or yours.
Am I just talking to myself here?
Because, I am so naturally inclined to fix things...
Do you ever feel absolutely sure you are right about something?
I read somewhere that a true, genuine conversation can only happen if both parties are ready and willing to be changed by each other. Conversation and dialogue only happen when I sit anticipating my viewpoint will indeed be altered because of this discourse. Problem is... what happens when you think you are absolutely right? Period. Full stop.
This prideful, closed way of "communication" happens much, much more frequently than genuine conversation.
I used to think it was certain personality types--- mine or my husband (ha!), for instance!---which felt they were "right" or "correct" all the time. Or, maybe it was family of origin training. Certainly my family has it in spades! All I knew was that I struggled and was upset when my viewpoint was challenged or questioned.
The more years I live, I am convinced that this is true about everybody. Every-single-body struggles when their point of view feels threatened. Maybe not on all accounts, to be sure; but, just poke around a bit to find that person's topic-of-certainty. Push it. Or have a slightly differing slant or question... and you will feel the mechanisms of defense. (Defenses are many...and they do tend to suit each personality.)
Don't get me wrong, I am a firm, firm believer if absolute Truth. I believe that God gives us insight into and understanding of His Truth... certainly He has given us a huge leg-up with the gift of Scripture (the unchanging Truth). We have a great deal of clarity on many areas from God's Word... "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23), for example. Pretty clear. I can hold this and many other biblical truths securely. But, I also know that my ability to understand God's ways and truth is significantly limited. So many things I hold true are impacted by Stephanie-ism. (Definition of "ism": a distinctive practice, a system or philosophy.) Stephanie-practice. Stephanie-system. Stephanie-philosophy.
Just as there are indeed rock-solid, unchanging Truths in Scripture; equally so, there are many 'not so black and white' areas that I am learning to be at peace holding more tentatively in my hands...
...What one thinks about global warming, boarder control, working mothers, or homeschooling. How one decides to parent a small child or keep a house. How one interacts with their adult children, their aging parents or their neighbors. Where and how one chooses to work, to play, or to rest. What one thinks about exercise and diet. What one does with their time, their money, their energy... for example. In these areas, I long to have genuine and true conversations with others. While I believe that God's Word touches and impacts each of these areas... the "certainty" case is not closed or locked.
Can I be changed by another's ideas and their thoughts? Can you change me?
All these things above, I think about. And, I certainly have my opinions on each of these issues---as I am guessing you do, as well. But, can you be changed---even if just slightly?
Yesterday, I had a conversation where I felt 'changed'. Honestly (and slightly embarrassingly), going into the interaction, I felt very "right" in my discernment and advice. Our first interaction about the topic did not go very well. It was a few hours later over coffee, when this friend and I re-visited the dialogue where the thought twigged for me, "A true conversation is one where you are ready to be changed". In that moment, I prayerfully looked across the table ready to be impacted.
Was it my openness or just the grace of the person talking with me that allowed for the topic to be resurfaced? ...maybe a bit of both. But, I distinctly felt a profound "aha" moment while this dear one was explaining her values and view point. It was a lovely smack to my pride when I realized that I had been looking at the issue from one singular point---a limited way of thinking---truly unknowingly. Her words and explanation changed me, even if just slightly. In that moment, I had available to me another way of seeing the issue and her decisions made sense to me in a way that I had been unable to see before. Our conversation changed me.
As I reflect on this today, I wonder and quiz myself a bit as to how often I do this with God--- let alone other people. How often do I pray, assume, and walk forward in the "right" way, without a humble, surrendered heart ready to be impacted by my interactions.
Problem is... I generally think I am right. Period. Full stop.
Lord Jesus, have mercy on me, a sinner and fallen short of Your glory. Change me from the inside out.
Like destinations, there are many lessons that I wish I could just check off my list... and say I "have learned" this! Been there. Done that.
While certainly there have been lessons learned; I seem to circle back to 'same-old' places over and over again.
But, the one lesson that seems to be a reoccurring and reoccurring theme in my life is the lesson of "loved". I have both known it and not known it for many, many years. For, "knowing" and surrendering-to-it are two very different things.
When I began this blog 8 years ago this very theme is clear in much of my writing---I wrote on my "Why Koodaigirl" page: "I desire to live as loved". This is still my same desire; and it only grows stronger, deeper, and more profound. More hungry.
In the journey, though, along with the difficulties and struggles, we also have moments of great victory. I have been seeing this victory lately in my life. I can't really say when it began exactly; before time, it feels. For God has been speaking to me of His love my whole Christian life. All I really remember from my salvation day (at age 15) was a message about love. I don't know what else Larry said that day... but, he said something very significant about the love of God. That day I walked through the door of "loved" and have been journeying inward ever since.
These last months something significant has shifted. I not only deeply believe, with all my mind, that God loves me (a profound gift He gave me about 10 years back); I now feel His love "poured out in my heart" (Romans 5:5) on a very regular basis. Where I have felt it here and there for years, I am "knowing" this abiding love. I am experiencing His love filling me. This is no small miracle. My physical healing 15 years ago was "nothing" in comparison to this battle won!
This knowing of God's love... to my mind AND to my heart is a great gift. A gift I believe He wants to give all His children.
I have to admit it took many pleas from my wooing Lord. He has used songs multiple time (the funniest was the 80's classic, "I can't make you love me.") He has used dreams, people, gifts, blessings, and suffering. And, He has many, many times used His Word. "Do not harden your heart" was the most recent Biblical phrase that led me to repent of my hardening to His love and His rest---it led me to lean-in and open my hands. (Why I harden my heart is another conversation to be shared another time!)
After spending the day with Him yesterday and enjoying this love---sitting with it, working with it, eating with it--- I lay in bed last night and had a memory flood into my mind. It was of our first trip to visit Wales 7 years ago. When I walked into the house we currently live in there was a sign: "Loved". Like a message from His Spirit to my soul, I knew then that it was for me. He was, yet again, speaking love over me.
So, last night after seeing this memory, I said to the Lord, "Wow! It has taken 7 years for me to be won over to this amazing love! Wow...You have had to work for me for 7 years like Jacob, Lord!"
Instantly, I heard in my spirit, something akin to "Longer..." Longer, Stephanie. Yes, Lord, much longer. Like Rachel. I am Your Rachel!! You worked for over 14 years for me to accept and receive Your love.
I fell asleep relishing in the fact that I am Jesus' Rachel. What a blessed thought.
In the morning, I woke remembering it with a smile. I am the Lord's Rachel. His bride. His beloved.
But, even as I write this... right now...the word I heard last night still lingers and speaks. Longer...
I have worked longer for you...
"For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight... in love..." (Ephesians 1:4)
A very, very long journey for God indeed.
Another very significant song in this journey for me... Video... a must listen. : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azBAF3dObps *the whole album is awesome, by the way!!
"I pray that being grounded and rooted in love, you might have the power, with all God's people, to grasp how high, wide, long and deep is the love of Christ and to know that love that surpasses knowledge..." (Ephesians 3:18)
Do you ever get tired of the sin in your life? I do.
I can feel small. Narrow and dark.
Some days I wish I was just done. Done with sin. Finished. Completed. Perfect.
I have this deep desire to be perfect and ...to be perfect yesterday, please.
But, alas, that is not how God works, I know. He is the author... writing our faith. He is the perfecter---the finisher--- of our faith. (Hebrews 12:2) He is the one who is bringing it into completion. (Philippians 1:6)
This truth jumped off the page and settled into my heart last week as I read in Exodus 23. He reminds His people that He is indeed leading them and will bring them to the land. He tells them that He, Himself, will destroy all enemies---all those that will cause them harm. But, ... BUT... He tells them,
"But, I will not drive them out in a single year, because the land will become desolate and the wild animals are too numerous for you. Little by little, I will drive them out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land."
Little by little, I will drive them out...
All these enemies of my soul... the sin, the pain and wounds, the flesh, the temptations, the devil... He is driving them out, to be sure! And, He will complete His work. But... little by little.
I have always seen this truth play out in my life. The "distrust and unbelief" issue in my life that He has been driving out. Little by little. Do you trust me now? Stephanie, now, do you believe me?
Yes, Lord, I believe!!
Good, He says, that was the 'Amorites' of distrust. Now let's get to work on the 'Hittites' of unbelief... and next year we will grapple with the Jebusites. "I will be an enemy to your enemies. I will wipe them all out completely!" (v. 20, 23)
He doesn't wipe our "land" clean all at once... because, well--- maybe... just maybe we can't handle it. We simply aren't ready to be that free! I don't know. "The wild animals are too numerous for you." He knows. He promises to keep working. He keeps watching and helping.
Until you have increased enough to take possession of the land... He whispers.
Augustine of Hippo once said, "Narrow is the mansion of my soul, enlarge it, Lord..."
He knows what I can handle. He knows that the world and the devil prowl around like a lion looking to devour and steal; wild animals looking to pounce on my soul.
Don't be dismayed or discouraged. God will take the land! He is completing His work in me. He does win in the end... and always, always, always I walk through it all with Him. Led by Him.
Narrow is my heart, please enlarge it, Lord! Increase my soul... increase me and take full possession, Holy Spirit. Have Your way, little by little, in my mind and heart and soul!
Not perfect yesterday. Not tomorrow, either. But, by His grace, I am getting larger every day!
Off kilter and out of sorts. I didn't wake up feeling this way. A few hours into the day... that is where I was. Out-of-wack. Not at peace. How did I get here?
Curiosity, is what Brene Brown suggests: just remain curious about what you are feeling and experiencing. Look at it and ask "why"?
Awareness and awakeness are the words I have been using for the last few years. Lord, make me more awake and aware. Larry Crabb calls it the "red-dot-moment". (That shopping mall map that tells you with a red-dot: "You are here")
Where am I, Lord?
I know that Scripture assures us of our inheritance in Christ. We have been given a great gift because of His sacrifice. A gift of the now and the "not-yet", to be sure: but, a gift to open today and enjoy. He has given me a living inheritance: He has given me His peace and His love to remain in and within which we can abide. I have a home, a place to sit and I can rest. A pathway to walk that is peace, joy, hope and security. This is the inheritance that is mine. And, yours. Ours in Jesus: our true home. I can always live there. It is 'on offer' to me always.
I am struck by the deliverance of Israel in Exodus 14 and then the song sung to God in Exodus 15--- God's heart for His people: His good plan--- unfailing love and strength can be our dwelling, His holiness. (Exodus 15:13)
"You will bring them in and plant them on the mountain of
your inheritance—
the place, Lord, you made for your dwelling, the sanctuary,
Lord, your hands established." Exodus 15:17
This plan was fulfilled in Christ Jesus. Because of Him, we have a place to live. You and I are planted; rooted and established in love. I have a secure, paid-for-place to live every moment of every day--- an inheritance of peace and love.
But, I forget... I wander. I stray away from my home. I get up from this restful place and I step off the path of His love. I get off kilter in the brush and bramble beside the road. Like my brothers and sisters the Israelites of old, dark "pursuers" ride toward me; from within and without. Horse and rider yell out at me or whisper from within "be afraid... be very afraid". Lies. All lies. This also can happen any day. Moment by moment.
When I remain curious, by His help, I am becoming more keenly aware of when I am off the path and out-of-step with His Spirit. This morning was one of those moments. Becoming aware is such a huge, beautiful key!
I became aware... hours after wandering... and simply stopped and asked the Lord for help. Holy Spirit, help me. I know where I am. Now, how did I get here?
I sat, prayed, quieted my heart and listened. He brought to mind one small thing---then another--- It was one small flash-point in my morning. A simple, quiet, niggling--certainly not earth shattering---reality in my body (my health) that triggered worry. Ah! more awakeness... more awareness. Thank you, Lord. This small moment had clearly brought up bigger, older fears. Old patterns of coping--- worry, wondering what-might-happen-if, calculating. It had started with the one instance... then next a piece of news in email (now further off the path!) and then the memory. Ah! Like a quiet cascade... the journey to wander at that point was in full swing.
Okay, I had wandered off the path. Now, I knew when I left my home of peace. Thank you, Lord. Now, would You bring me back. Bring me back inside, Lord. He says... Open Your hands and surrender to My love and speak Truth to Your soul!
I choose to surrender to Your unfailing love. I accept "what is" and choose to stop thinking about "what might be". I offer my body to You--- You are my good Shepherd, my kind Father... my Creator. You made my body---so I give it to You to care for! I am yours. I don't have to worry. I don't ever have to fear. You have a place of love for me to rest in---to live in. I resist the lies in the name of Jesus. I stand firm, by Your blood, against the worry and fear. Even when I am in pain... even when my body is wacky... Your Love, Truth and Light are secure. I receive it! I let go of fixing this, figuring it out, or worrying about it. I open my hands and receive Your love and this place of peace. I choose to sit down in it and rest.
I sat down in peace and walked on. My body's reality hasn't changed, the news on email was still hard--- but where I am walking is different. Stand firm, be still, AND move on (walk forward)--- this is what God tells His people in Exodus (Ex 14:13-18). What a paradox! Stand firm. Walk onward. Trust and obey.
Out of the brambles.... back on the road. A few hours away--- I now welcome and delight in the gift of peace. For now, by His grace, I abide in His love. Lord, make me more awake and aware! More of You Jesus in me.
"I will sing to the Lord, for He has triumphed gloriously. The horse and his rider have been hurled into the sea. The Lord is my strength and my deliverer. He is my salvation. ...The Lord is a warrior" (Exodus 15)
I brought my seedling tomato plants home only a few weeks back. I was very excited to venture into this brand new gardening experience and I have tenderly cared for my three plants.
It is almost silly how animated I have been when I see them grow, bud and thrive. An inch taller and I celebrate! They have a long way to go until they produce a harvest; but, I have every hope they will! They aren't done growing yet. But, I don't find myself frustrated with this... I find myself enjoying the growth. Watching. Anticipating. Waiting.
On the contrary, I find myself utterly frustrated sometimes with the slowness of my personal growth...
Why am I not done yet?
As if I can just see beyond me: I know what I could be, who I could become, Who He has made me to be--- and yet it is frustratingly out of my reach. Beauty beyond my grasp---far down the path ahead.
Andrew Murray reminds me that humility is not something you possess. Instead, humility is something you become. Even the title of Murray's book says it all, "Humility: The Journey Toward Holiness".
A journey toward. A moving forward. A becoming. And, so it goes for love, faithfulness, selflessness, gentleness, patience, and joy. ...a becoming.
But, I want to be done. I want to be complete and whole. And, I want to be perfect. What is it in me that longs so for perfection?
While snuggled into his gentle embrace, I asked my husband tonight, "I have asked Him (the Holy Spirit) to come in and take over! I have surrendered. I want Him to fill me and take over. Why hasn't He, yet!? Why hasn't He taken over me."
He responded tenderly, "He isn't done because He doesn't want to take you over. He wants to make you. He wants you to be you--- the very best version of you, Stephanie. And, that takes time."
Ah... humility isn't something I can get or possess. I can't not have it one day and then just get it the next day--a done deal or snap of the finger. It is something I become.
Becoming...
And, becoming takes time.
When I bought my tomato plants, they were in fact tomato plants. Although you wouldn't know it from the size, the leaves, or the look... they were indeed tomato plants. Or, at least, they were the raw material for the making of truly proper tomato plants. And, now they are becoming ---not yet there---becoming budding, thriving tomato plants. And, sometime soon, I hope, we shall actually see and enjoy tomatoes. Then, they will be.
Can I allow myself the same journey toward becoming the best version of myself--- fruitful and thriving---the beauty God intended me to be? Maybe someday soon we shall actually see and enjoy some humility--- I am hopeful! And, in the meantime, I need to water and feed, support and wait... watching. Hoping...
It suits my personality to have a goal. It feels right to live with intentionality.
...a goal? Okay, no, not exactly a goal.
Generally, the word or phrase that I have named these past years has had very little that I can "do" to accomplish them. "Goals" take much more planning and doing and "task lists" to my mind.
Okay, more like an idea. A theme. a direction. ...Just a thought of direction, really. Like an adventurer deciding to sail...?? where shall we go, where shall we go today?... "west", he decides. "Yes, due west", he might say. And, then, sets the sails accordingly.
Last year was the "Year of Presence". I wanted to venture into knowing, experiencing, growing in my ability to discern God's Presence: a "now-oriented" practiced awareness of His Presence.
This year is knowledge. And, by knowledge I definitely don't mean only head or book knowledge. (although I am sure my head and many books will add to my journey!) By the word "knowledge" I feel a sense that it has something to do with the classic "Adam knew Eve" or "Abarham knew Sarah"- kind-of knowledge. Knowing in the marital sense, really. "Knowing" as in intimacy, closeness, connectedness, and understanding.
When I married and first "knew" my husband, there was a bond and an intimacy that will never be cut-off or severed. But that was only the beginning. That "knowing" was significant and a super-glue, to be sure... but it was only the first of many steps to the continuing journey of knowing each other. Available is a daily, deeper knowledge--- if we indeed seek and search.
Now, being married these 17 years, I feel that I know my man more now than I ever did before we were married. I know him more intimately, more perfectly and with more understanding and value certainly than I did a Year 1 or even at Year 15. And, I am hopeful that this knowledge of him, my husband, will only increase and continue.
This is what I am going for this year: knowledge of the Lord. Close, intimate, deeper knowledge of my Lord. Deeper still, Stephanie. That has been the whisper. Deeper still.
I long to grow in the grace and the knowledge of the Lord... just as Peter encourages the early church to do in his letters. I want to know Him more intimately, to study Him, to talk with Him, to hear Him and understand His tone of voice. I want to understand Him more.
I know that He is unsearchable and the depths of knowing Him are beyond tracing out! And, yet, He invites me to know Him more today than I did yesterday. And, guess what!? I can know Him more tomorrow than I do today! What a sweet invitation to relationship, to connectedness, to intimacy!
The year of knowledge.
What would your phrase, your word, your theme be? ... In what direction will you set sail this year?
This is what I ask from You, my dear Lord, to know You more.
"It is for increasing degrees of awareness that we pray, for more perfect consciousness of the Divine Presence." ~A.W.Tozer (Pursuit of God)
So, I feel a bit like George MacDonald's Princess Irene, being led by her grandmother's silver thread into the depths of the dark mountain where the goblins live. This sweet, young girl knows for certain that her loving grandmother is leading her. And, yet, as she goes deeper and deeper into the mountain's belly, she begins to be very afraid.
"And still the path grew rougher and steeper, and the mountain grew wilder... For a little way there was a brown glimmer, but at the first turn it all but ceased, and before she had gone many paces she was in total darkness. Then she began to be frightened indeed."
Frightened indeed. We find ourselves in difficult places, rough terrain,...even darkness. And we get... I get... frightened indeed.
"...as she went farther and farther into the darkness of the great hollow mountain, she kept thinking of her grandmother, and all she had said to her, and how kind she has been, and how beautiful she was, and all about her lovely room, and the fire of roses and the great lamp that sends it's light..."
As I look ahead at the ambiguity of my health, I find myself, like the sweet, darling princess Irene, strangely peaceful. Like her, I am comforted as I remember.
When I begin to feel worried or afraid, all I have to do is think about my Father. I keep thinking about all He has said to me, how kind He is, how beautiful He is and ...like Irene, I remember being with Him, sitting with Him and His Presence.
His word has told me that, "He will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in Him." (Isaiah 26:3) His invitation is to "take His yoke upon me, which is light and easy to carry". And, He reminds me that He offers me to always "come to Him and He will give me rest". (Matt. 11:28-30)
Yesterday, in worship, as I was thinking on Him and His beauty, I had this unexpected wild array of mental images flash through my mind. Memories... Me, at 15 years old... me, at 16 years old, ... me at 18... and so on and so forth. Some of the quick, flashing memories were hard times, some were moments of amazing blessing--- but, as I "watched", I knew all were in Him. He was there in all of them. He has been faithful. He has always been Present.
I am amazingly unafraid. I am wonderfully unworried. What a gift!
Perfect peace. This is what I have available for my soul when I keep my mind on Him and trust Him.
So, like Irene, I walk on into the dark mountain ... not with blind-faith, no!, but with remembering trust. Like a child, I simply look to my loving Father and I remember Him---all He is and all He has done, all He will do!
I love describing big theological truths and deep spiritual experiences to my 9 year old son. It does something to the lesson that makes it very real.
While explaining what God is teaching me to my 9 year old, I seem to grab the lesson more significantly and plant it deeper in my heart. I feel similarly when I write a blog post. Just the act of writing it down (or more accurately typing it), makes the lesson more real. It settles down. It becomes more solid somewhere within.
This morning I attempted to explain my significant Sunday lesson in trust and surrender. It had been a profound silent, journaling time with the Lord. I hadn't put it into verbal words yet, but wanted to share with my family. So, I began to explain that God had opened my eyes and my heart wider to trust and faith. God had been showing me that I could trust His love and surrender to Him, His care. A lesson of deep trust.
The look on my 9 year old's face was priceless. Confused. Questioning. I could just see his brain-wheels turning. All over his brow was written his non-verbal question, "Haven't you learned to trust God already? Haven't you surrendered to God before?"
Responding to his quizzical brow, I reminded my sweet son of our recent homeschooling lessons on dividing fractions. Remember, I said, that I taught you how to divide fractions two weeks ago?
And, then, I said, last week, you said to me... "Mom, I know you have taught this to me before; but, can you please show me again?"
And, of course, we sat down again and learned it again, right? i reminded him. He nodded in acknowledgement. And then, just last Friday, I needed to teach it to you it again, right? Do you remember?
And, do you remember, I said, when each time I taught it ---each time!--- you "got it". Remember that moment when you KNEW how to divide fractions!? ...That ah-ha moment? Remember that moment, son?
He smiled and a light flashed in his eyes... he was getting it now!
Well, our Christian lives are like that. We learn things like trust. And, faith. And, love. ...God shows us just like I showed you the fractions. And, each time... each time!... there is a moment when we "get it" and we feel like we finally know!! And, those moments are special and sweet. And, in those moments we do know. And, each moment we do know even more, even better than we did before.
But, the reality is that we will revisit those concepts again and again. We will re-learn and have to be shown again. And, our kind Father is very patient in His pursuit of teaching us these important lessons.
Son, I am guessing I will have to teach you how to divide fractions at least one more time. What do you think? He smiled with a nod and a, "yep".
And, my 9 year old boy, understood Mommy's ah-ha trust experience with the Lord on Sunday. And, I suppose I understood it a bit more too.
May I learn it again and again Lord! Keep teaching me, I pray!
I stayed up late watching a fascinating show on BBC called "The Big Silence". For anyone who knows me well, they would know it is not common for me to -- A). Stay up late (I am a seriously "early-to-bed-girl" and, B). Stay up late to watch television. But, I stayed up late. Very late, in fact. I was so deeply moved and fascinated by this show. Early that evening, I went on-line, in fact and watched all three hour long episodes in one sitting... My husband was shocked by the behaviour and he laughed at me!
The show basically explored what solitude and silence does for the soul. For me solitude and silence has been key to my personal emotional and spiritual growth. I can't really articulate how intricate silence has been, but it has been huge. I watched in fascination as a Benedictine Monk took five volunteers, all from varied backgrounds and walks of life, and introduced them to solitude and silence.
After their eight days of a silent retreat, all five people were remarkably changed. It was clear that something very significant happened in their soul. Each one journeyed through frustration, deep dark valleys where they saw the emptiness of themselves, and difficult (hidden) emotions welled up from within each one. Taking away the noise, they all encountered their own "self" and it wasn't a pretty sight... all of them, women and men, young and old, rich and poor... all five came to a place of seeing themselves "more rightly" than they had ever before... just by allowing silence and turning off the numbing noises of life. They also each encountered a place of peace and calm that none had ever experienced.
In my personal journey with solitude and silence, I have found this to be true, as well. Both the darkness and the light have shown forth in these places of quiet.
As a believer it was fascinating to watch each of them encounter, very clearly, God. God's word, God's Presence, God's creation, God's Peace, and His voice were all distinctly felt and experienced by the volunteers at one point. They even articulated it.... and knew it was not from within. It was not "from them" but from "another". And, yet, three of the five walked away from the time not wanting to label that "other" they were encountering- "God". And, certainly these three were not willing to surrender their lives to Him and His love... and this felt deeply sad to me.
Like a man who stands at the door to a warm house, feels the warmth and knows (on one level) the safety that the warmth would provide him... but he chooses to not enter and just to stand outside. There is so much more warmth here by the fire! I would want to yell at that man. Come in you are welcome.Come in... you are only getting a taste of what you can have on the inside!
I wanted to yell this at the television as I watched! Oh, just one more step inside... it is lovely in here.
But we are all on a journey. And, these five individuals were given a sweet taste of what quiet, solitude and silence can do for the soul. And, for me, on my late-night rendezvous with the concept of The Big Silence, I was motivated to go to my calendar and set a block of time in the near future to taste it again. Very soon.
I dreamt last night. I dreamt a lot. I had four very different dreams all with the same theme and the same ending...
I woke up tired. And in prayer...
In each dream I was trying to get somewhere, a very specific destination, and I just kept getting lost. Working hard and drawing on all my knowledge of the certain area I was dreaming about, I would make my way toward the destination and still find myself lost and the desired destination far-off. And, throughout each dream, and at the end of every dream, I ended up at the same starting place.
Frustration filled my night. The "starting place" was a fearful place, a bad place, but I wasn't afraid in the dream. I was just frustrated. Each time I would end up in that "same" place, I would feel utterly defeated, deflated and discouraged. "I am here AGAIN!?" And, I knew that "that same place" was so far from the destination I was so eagerly working my way toward... and then I would wake up.
I have been talking much lately with the Father, and those I who are close to me, about this journey of faith. Is it long, arduous, and utterly frustrating at times? Yes. Is it full of blessing, peace, victory and joy? Absolutely. Ahh... but it is both.
I am not entirely certain why this has been a recent topic of conversation for me and my Lord... maybe a "mid-life" mini-crisis of sorts as I look back now on 20 years of faith. Where have I come from? Where am I going? And, why do I often "end up in the same place". ...same sins, or at least the same roots of insecurity, pride, doubt, and fear.
Unlike the dreams, where I just couldn't seem to get anywhere... I couldn't move forward... this has not been my experience in my faith-journey. In fact, I rejoice in the truth that I have come a long way. Truly, I can hardly recognize the Stephanie of 20 years ago. In these 20 years, I have known significant victory, deep peace, and genuine joy. And yet, ... And yet. I have such a long way to go. The "destination" of holiness, awareness, and heaven feel far-off.
And, sometimes I feel lost along the way. And sometimes I feel tired. And, yes, often I feel frustrated.
But... as I fell asleep each time last night, I continued on. I pressed forward and "hated" that "same place". I kept trying and kept moving forward. And, so I do today in my faith journey. I will press forward and by grace alone I will arrive at my final destination! Thank you, my dear Jesus, for securing this truth and this hope!
"...to follow Jesus is to take the high road to Calvary. Littered along the Calvary road will lie skeletons of our egos, the corpses of our fantasies of control, and the shards of self righteousness, self-indulgent spirituality,and unfreedom." ~Brennan Manning, The Signature of Jesus
I can't tell you how many times that I say to my husband, "I am soo deleting my blog!" He just chuckles and says, "again?"
Have you ever had that dream where you are walking around a clothed world and you are completely naked. The dream consists of you first figuring out you are naked... and then follows the anxious attempt to cover up you nakedness. Well, often after posting I feel... naked. In my attempt to write from the heart and write honestly--- I sometimes share things on this blog that embarrass me. After posting sometimes I have this sick feeling, something akin to, "Okay, I am seriously walking around here in my undies!"
So, why do I keep writing? In part, I have found that writing helps me learn. When I write it, it seems to solidify lessons of the heart. With the act of writing, lessons seem to settle in my soul in a significant way. And, writing seems to be bubbling up within me. I just can't seem to help myself! I wake up in the morning with blog ideas. So, I guess, in part I write for me. "I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write" ~St. Augustine
I also keep writing because some of my most favorites people in the world read this blog. The people that I deeply love (and miss because I live far away) are reading. These friends with whom I would sit down and easily share my heart with are reading here. This helps me to feel known by these dear ones--- connected to them in some strange way.
Yesterday, when I was processing this "blogging" conundrum I found myself in, I read this quote: "I have found that the very feeling which has seemed to me most private, most personal and hence most incomprehensible by others, has turned out to be an expression for which there is a resonance in many other people. It has led me to believe that what is most personal and unique in each of us is probably the very element which would, if it were shared or expressed, speak most deeply to others."
And so, lastly, this is why I keep writing. I wonder if the act of just sharing a real and genuine journey (or as real as can be shared on a computer screen) might deeply touch others. I write because I want anyone who might read my blog to know that all travelers along this journey toward our Heavenly Father are fallen, flawed and unwhole. I want them to know that I am far from perfect and to see, understand, that I live each day--- each day--- in desperate need of my Savior, my love, my friend, by brother---Jesus. I want readers to hear about my life--in it's entirety--- sins and falls, victories and joys. I want them to see God: His unfailing love, His compassion and His faithfulness.
So, I won't be deleting my blog--- well, at least not today. I am not sure, though, after I post this next "idea" which has been floating around in my head. I am about ready to strip down to my skivvies again!
My roommate in college, while working as a waitress, once received a stern rebuke from a customer. While she was asking the patron if she could take her plate, she said gently, "Are you done, ma'am?" The customer, much aghast, looked at her and said harshly, "My dear, cookies and rolls are "done"... people are finished!" We, of course, laughed heartily together for days when she came home with the story. Still to this day, we will ask each other "are you finished?"
Well, regardless of whether it is proper English or not, I am not done yet!!
I am not well-cooked. I am not ready to be pulled out. I am not ripened. Not matured. Not sanctified. I am not done OR finished!
My heart's strong desire is to be perfect. God has made me with such a keen desire for this, I think it must be in my very veins. I want to be perfect. Yesterday, please.
And, I am so NOT perfect! Shocking, I know... (smile)
I do pray and ask God to wean me from this earth. All week I have been asking Him to wean me from this earth. I earnestly seek Him daily and ask to know Him more deeply. I ask, I seek, I pray and desire to be more holy. Am I all these things, yet? NO! Is He failing to answer my prayers? No. Certainly, I am more weaned from the earth than I was 20 years ago. ...Maybe even more than I was 5 years ago. But, still, the earth, my flesh, my sin... they all cry out and tug on me. I still grope after things of this earth. I still run to things, other than God, to fill me and satisfy me.
I do know Him more deeply than I did 20 years ago. ...maybe even more than I did 5 years ago. But, I know Him so little. I truly love Him so little.
And, yes, I am walking in more holiness than I did 20 years ago. ...maybe more holiness than 5 years ago? But, I am still so full of sin. I am still drawn to darkness at times. I am still unholy and un-whole.
No, ma'am, I am not done! Simple as that.
Yet, why is this so truly difficult for me to accept? Why do I rage against it and want perfection within... expect perfection tomorrow, at the least. Today, would be great. Yesterday, please.
Trust. Is that it? Trusting God would be to completely rely on His perfection for me (on my behalf), His perfection in me and His perfecting work with me. Genuine trust would help me rest in the fact that He began the good work in me; and so, He will bring it to completion. It is His prerogative when, how, and at what speed to make me "done". It is His job to say... you are finished!
Oh Father, Your grace is immense. Your kindness beyond measure. I trust You to complete me. I trust You to finish Your work in me, in Your time. Thank you, Lord.
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