Wondering About Inheriting the Earth

I am wondering.  Rambling a bit...  

I am pondering...  Meekness.  

I am thinking about a kingdom that is upside down.  A kingdom that is entirely different to the natural ways of my mind and heart...  

I have been thinking about the climb up that is the descending way.  ...the way of our Jesus, gentle and humble of heart.  

I am wondering about a staircase down... 

Thinking about "further up and further in" that takes us downward and lower.  ...to think of others as more highly than ourselves.  

I have been praying on the idea of meekness, humility, abiding love that works in and through... and outward.  

What might it mean or look like if we, God's beloved, lived in and out of His love?  What might it look like if we were aware of our soul-poverty... hungry and thirsty for His righteousness? ...living as peacemakers?  What if I didn't judge...  what if you didn't condemn? What if you gave freely...  I forgave always... What if we loved mercy, as our Father loves mercy.  (Luke 6:20-42)

I am well aware that this meekness, humility, and abiding love is exactly that... abiding.  ...meaning it doesn't come from me; but, in and through me, from Him.  His love.  He blesses in order for us to be a blessing.  He fills us with good fruit... makes us good-trees...  to feed on and be fed on.  Receiving His love, living in it, soaking it in...  and then giving freely as I have been given.  

I believe the measure by which I know His love to, for and in me... is the measure to which I can even begin to live it outward toward others.  Known.  Felt.  Divine.  Spirit-led. 

But sometimes there is resistance in me to surrender and receive this love.  Why do I resist?  Why would I rebel against love?  Joy?  Peace?  Patience?  Kindness?  ...what in us fights this?  

The resistance and even rebellion that is in sometimes in my heart to give-way to God and to others... to forgive-first...  to step towards... to offer warmth and love.   Is it fear that makes me push a bit harder, to stay silent longer, to hold that grudge, to be right, to not forgive, to get justice for myself, to hold to my rights.... ?  Is it pride?  Or simply folly?  

Forgive this ramble...  

I am just wondering.   

Humble Heart by Jess Ray  

Are you Shady?

Learning to garden has been a necessity in this lovely green place I live.  It isn't, in all honesty, something I particularly enjoy; but, it has certainly been a fertile ground for heart lessons from the Lord.  

Living things are complex and growing them... tending them... being a good gardener... is a big and challenging job!  I often think of the Lord and His kind hand as I cut, hack, or 'dead-head' any plant or flower.  My cutting and trimming and hacking is good for plant...  I only do it for it's good.  I want it to grow and flourish and produce more fruit.  Oh! The lessons for the heart here... 

I was reading this morning in Mark 4:30-32.  Jesus is making every effort to teach and communicate the beauty of His kingdom to His hearers.  In this case, He choses to use gardening.  He describes the kingdom of God---the gospel, the 'good, good news', the Spirit Truth---as being like a tiny seed that grows into a hardy and life-giving tree.  This is what we are offered in His kingdom.  Into our smallness, comes a small 'truth' and then life grows.  Abundant growth! We grow.  His truth grows in us and makes us (re-creates in us) something hardy and life giving.  

I was struck afresh today by verse 32, where the Kingdom-plant is described as:  1) a place of rest for birds and 2) a place of shade.  And I had this wonderful thought, "Am I shady?"   Prayerfully, I began asking that God would continue to grow His truth in me and make my branches strong to be a place of rest.  I long to be a place of comfort and shade... for all who would come near.  

Are you shady?  

I was listening to a wonderful podcast session by Curt Thompson (MD) recently. (I do highly recommend his books and his teaching.)  Dr. Thompson explains that, as a psychiatrist, he ---yes indeed---offers people an 'answer' and help to problems.  But, actually, much more importantly, he offers himself.  He offers his presence.  Those coming to him for comfort and shade are coming to be seen, heard, and known.  The greatest gift he can give is to show up, let them sit awhile, rest and be shaded.  Presence...the very things we need from each other and ultimately from God.  

God does this for His people and always has.  In Exodus 3:7, He says is straight out, "I have seen... I have heard... and I am concerned..."  One of His names, in fact, is EL ROI... the God who sees.  

In 1 Peter 3:12, we are told that "God's eye is on us and that He is attentive to our prayers..."  Our God is a loving Father that sees and hears.  He is offering Himself to you today.  

God is shady.  God is hardy.  His presence and His truth is a place of rest and comfort.

And, how wonderful is this!? In His kingdom, with Him, we can be shady and comforting and a place of rest for others.  

I can be shady and hardy.  Oh, Lord, make it so! 

~

Mark 4:30-32 Again he said, “What shall we say the kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it? 31 It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest of all seeds on earth. 32 Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds can perch in its shade.”

I Want to See Like Fred

It really makes a difference what you choose to look for or how you see...  doesn't it?  

I just finished the delightful and poignant film about Fred Rogers' life, A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.   Apart from the fact that I probably watched every episode of this amazing show from age five years old until I was 10, (and, yes, it brought up so so many 'feels' for me) the life and way of Mr. Rogers inspired me.  And, I am using that word very specifically.  To inspire:  spur on, motivate, quicken.  It comes from the two words Latin 'into' and 'breath'.   As I watched the film, I felt God breath into me fresh thoughts and fill me with more of His heart.  

I walked away thinking a lot about perspective.  Mr. Rogers just seemed to see life, time, circumstances, people and the world in a very distinct way.  He saw differently.  Yes, I was inspired.  His wife is quick to point out, so it is told, that Fred was not a perfect person and that his daily Scripture reading and other habits kept him grounded.  

I walked away from this film wanting to see the world like Mr. Rogers.  I want to see like Fred.  

Interestingly, in God's timing, my Scripture reading this morning was in Luke 6:6-11.  In this story, Jesus encounters a man with a withered hand.  He asks the man to stand up in the crowd... displaying to that little corner of the world... to show His love, compassion, healing miracle.  

It says that the Pharisees came into the scene LOOKING for a way to catch him doing wrong.  They were expecting offense.  

It really makes a difference what you choose to look for...  what you expect...  

Jesus heals the shrivelled hand. He heals a bent, broken, withered hand and makes it whole.  He does this right before their eyes...in real time! Incredible stuff, right?!  Stop a moment and imagine what that might have looked like!  What stunned awe you might feel as you watch this happen before your eyes.  I stand amazed with the thought!  

The Pharisees, though, have a very different reaction.  They see as they choose to see... their eyes bent to see him doing 'wrong'.  And, they react with rage.  Rage!  They see what they expected to see, didn't they?  They see offense in his actions.  They respond with disgust, vehemence and their response is not inspiration---but execution.  "The begin to discuss with each other what they might do to Jesus".    

Jesus does good.  They see bad.  Jesus heals and re-creates beauty.  They respond with a desire to destroy him.  

It really matters how we see.  It matters what you look for...  

Fred Rogers, in his 50 years of ministry on television (yes, he was literally ordained and sent to do this work...read about it!) Mr. Rogers saw every person as beautiful, worthy of love, complicated, and worth his full attention.  

Yes, indeed, I want to see like Fred.  

Please do yourself a big favour and take the time to watch this...  The Best of Mr. Rogers

If you'd like to read 45 quotes from this man of God  click here.  

~~~

Luke 6: 6 On another Sabbath he went into the synagogue and was teaching, and a man was there whose right hand was shrivelled. 7 The Pharisees and the teachers of the law were looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, so they watched him closely to see if he would heal on the Sabbath. 8 But Jesus knew what they were thinking and said to the man with the shrivelled hand, “Get up and stand in front of everyone.” So he got up and stood there. 9 Then Jesus said to them, “I ask you, which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to destroy it?” 10 He looked around at them all, and then said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He did so, and his hand was completely restored. 11 But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law were furious and began to discuss with one another what they might do to Jesus.

Jesus Sighs

They bring him to you and beg.  

Heal him, they pant and plea!

To a quiet place you lead him aside and then...  

You sigh--- deep groan--- a heavy sigh.  

Why did you sigh, my Lord?  

Are you as frustrated and sad as I am with this broken world? 

You stand with this man---so near.   

You touch him and draw close.  

Your very spit lingers on his bent and broken tongue.  

You look up to heaven, with a knowing look, you and your Father agree.

This is not as you made us to be.  

Are you as frustrated and sad as I am with this bent world?

With you, the Father sighs and repents as in the days of Noah.  

Together you made ears to hear the bird song. 

With joy you 'all made eyes to see deep colour and the wisp of clouds.

In that quiet place you sigh---a grief and a groan.  

Man of Sorrows, you are well acquainted with grief.  

Yes, you are as frustrated and sad as I am with this bent world!  

With a sigh, and a touch, and a word.  

You whisper to the man--not only to his mouth--- but, to the man!

Be open, you command and his heart receives. 

Ears are now open to hear the singing of the birds. 

His mouth now able to sing along with them in praise to you!

You are ever at work in this sad, frustrating and broken world, Lord.  

I bring myself to you and beg you, Jesus. 

Heal me, I plea!  …with you, I sigh.  

In these quiet places, please touch and draw near. 

Shift in me these bent and broken places.  

Open my ear to hear truth and my mouth to speak light. 

  

"...the tongue of the speechless will sing for joy!" (Isaiah 35:6)

(poem based on Mark 7:31-37) 

Then Jesus left the vicinity of Tyre and went through Sidon, down to the Sea of Galilee and into the region of the Decapolis. There some people brought to him a man who was deaf and could hardly talk, and they begged Jesus to place his hand on him.

After he took him aside, away from the crowd, Jesus put his fingers into the man’s ears. Then he spit and touched the man’s tongue.  He looked up to heaven and with a deep sigh said to him, “Ephphatha!” (which means “Be opened!”). At this, the man’s ears were opened, his tongue was loosened and he began to speak plainly.

Jesus commanded them not to tell anyone. But the more he did so, the more they kept talking about it. People were overwhelmed with amazement. “He has done everything well,” they said. “He even makes the deaf hear and the mute speak.

Just As He Said

His Word is such a gift to me!  Like daily meals, I take it in and expect it will nourish and feed.  

Some days the meal is just that---simple bread.  ...with thanksgiving, I read/eat, swallow and pray, and move about my day as it feeds me, with me hardly aware of it's inward working.  

Then, other days, it just tastes so so good.  His Word touches my mind and heart in a way that is 'bang' or 'wow'... so similar to that tasty bite of a really good burrito or a ripe strawberry.  

Then there are extra special days, when His Word jumps off the page and pierces me with precision and light.  …like those "wow" meals that stick with you...  A meal you might think about the next day, or even a meal you might recommend to others, will definitely cook again, and talk about at a dinner party or share with a friend.  

Today these words jumped off the page and sweetened my tongue:  "...they found things just as He said they would be" (Luke 22:13)

Just as He said.  

I had just finished journaling the phrase "the work of God is to believe [Jesus]" (John 6:29) and was struck again with the idea that we all, EVERY believer has the same job.  We all have the very same work in common.  Every day we need to believe Jesus.  That is our job.  That and "love Him with all our hearts, minds, souls and strength".  These are the main work points on our job description.  

…doctor, lawyer, brick layer, waitress, professor, cop, politician, artist, and teacher...  we ALL have one clear job:  love God and believe Jesus.  

The disciples believed Jesus when He told them that the exact place to celebrate the Passover meal would be given to them (Read Luke 22:7-13) and they found it 'just as He said it would be".    We can believe His words, follow His direction and He will come through. 

Following this lovely, delicious moment of His word I began thinking of the things He has told me... told us.  I began prayerfully wondering if I was believing Jesus today.....

I am going away now and am preparing a place for you and will come again...  (John 14:13)

If you abide in me, you will bear much fruit.  (John 15:8)

Peace, I give you.  My peace I give to you. (John 14:27)

I will be with you always, even until the end. (Matthew 28:20)

I will make my home within you.  (John 14:23)

You will have pain in this world (John 16:33)

Jesus has promised these things and so many more.  And, the full revelation of Scripture offers an overflowing bread-basket of abundant promises to the followers of God.   We have a feast of truth in which we can trust, believe and find our hope.  

He will come back.  He leaves me peace.  I will have pain in this world. He abides in me and will be with me to the end.   He has overcome the world and will make all things new and right.  I will be hated by the world.  I can not be separated from His love.  He began a good work in me and will bring it to completion.  He knows all things and works all things together for my good and His glory.  In the midst of pain, fire, storm, or flood, He is with me and I will not drown or burn.  

Today, I remember and I take You at Your Word, Lord Jesus.  

I will find things just as You said it would be.  

Just as You said.  

Lament Response

It was deeply, dark-clouded and a fiercely windy day.  While walking, no... stomping..., my way up the green, muddy hill, I asked the Lord, "Are you really with me?"  

This day was just another day in a string of hard days... my husband lay ill in bed with Covid.  He still suffered and we were waiting, praying, hoping for sickness to leave.  Days on days... weeks getting lost into months.  This illness and it's horrible touch lived with us every moment of every day.  

I had ventured out into the rough weather to get some fresh air and stomp out my prayers, my grief, my frustration, and my pain.  Muddied, wet, tired and emotional, I had the passing thought:   I am with you always... 

With you always, Stephanie...

With irritation and despairing tone, face upturned to the dark clouds, I shot back...  "Are you really with me? Really!?  Right here, now?  Are you really with me?"  

Lament is not my forte.  It is not something I normally do... nor have felt comfortable doing most of my Christian life.  My personality and my upbringing have not encouraged emotional outbursts, to be sure.  But, it seemed lately, that without lament...  with out this ever-increasing honesty with my Jesus...  I would run dry.   It seemed necessary and right and very good.  In these days, lament had become my doorway, my window, ...my deep well which accessed living water.   I was thirsty and God was teaching me to tell Him how very thirsty I was.  Oh!  How very thirsty I am!   

So, stomping up the hill, my face lifted, my honest response to the whispered Scripture, "I am with you always"... was tear filled retort.  Really, Lord?!  Are you really with me?  

Like a flash, I had His response.  Instantaneously, I heard one clear word quietly whispered to my heart...  Within.  

I am within you, Stephanie.  

Like lightening, the flash of truth filled me with the ever living water and it was another piece of manna.  Food for my days, for the weeks to come... for the days that would turn into months. 

Whatever would come, I felt my courage rise.  My faith was filled with His Presence and I knew...  

I am always within you, Stephanie.   

So much closer than with... even closer than walking alongside...  My Jesus is within me.    His Spirit lives and abides IN me.  Closer than my very breath.  

Paul tells us in Ephesians that Jesus makes "his home within us".  Jesus, Himself, tells us His Spirit abides with us and within us... (John 14)   I believe we spend too much time looking up and out for Him... seeking Him outside of ourselves... seeking Him in the skies (where He also dwells, just to be clear!)  We need to remember that He is within.  

Jesus said in John 16:5-16:  "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. In a little while the world will see Me no more, but you will see Me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will know that I am in My Father, and you are in Me, and I am in you….If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word. My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him."

His home is within us.  And, all fullness of life and joy and peace lives in Him.  If we are lacking, He is not.  He will give to those who lack.  Do you need wisdom?  Ask Him... He is full of it and He lives in you.  Fullness of wisdom abides in you... abide in Him!  Do you need patience?  or love?  Or do you need joy today?  Ask Him, He is full of it... and He lives in you.  

I walked home that day... that dark, pounding day with a full heart.  I was full of Him and His truth.  He responded to my lament.  His loved welled up and filled my heart and mind with more of Himself.  

The difficult days continued onward... days turned into weeks.  Weeks fell away to months...  In fact, as I write this, we still live with the reality of this horrible illness.  We've stopped counting time passed.  But still ...and still...  that piece of manna ---within----feeds me.  

Just to be clear, I don't hear from His Spirit these type of "words" often--- this is why I call it manna.  Or, better yet, I should call it a feast.  He feeds me manna from the Bible and I collect what I can for each day.  His Scripture is my daily bread.  These special moments--- these flash moments ---are like a feast day.  

Even when I don't feel it... I can remember the taste of the feast.  I know it to be true.  

He is within me always, even until the end of the age.  

My Ballast

After a whirlwind, messy, upsetting dream filled with too many faces, too many needs, so many things to do and all while needing a shower and in my pyjamas for all to see... dreams are a funny things...  I woke up in a rough state of mind.  

Heart pounding, heavy laden and a hot mess...  I made my way down to my 'quiet time' space in the early morning hours.  As usual, I started my time by opening and playing "Pray as You Go".  Barely listening, the cob webs of faces and mouths that needed feeding began to clear away from my mind...  The dream waves began to slowly subside.  But, still, I began to think about the worries----the 'shoulds' and 'musts' and 'oughts'--- that had been pulling at me the past days.  Obviously, this dream was a good picture of the tugging of needs and my inability and struggle to get it all done.  

As my mind was tossed about by the litany of concern, I could feel my irritation and frustration mounting.  'Just leave me alone' was the feeling (is there one word for this 'feeling')!  I could feel my heart lament and the complaining beginning to rise.  Lord, I can't make everyone happy!  Father, I can't hold it all or feed them all or make them all right.  Maybe like my dear compatriot Elijah, I was basically saying... "I've had enough, Lord.  I am all alone here and these expectations just wanna kill me!" (big-time paraphrase from 1 Kings 19)  

Psalms of complaint and lament were welling up in my heart and waves were beginning to crash again 

...and then... in the background, the lovely voice on the Pray as You Go (oh! yeah... it had been playing the whole time while I ignored it) says, "If there is something that is a concern or a weight, maybe you want to ask the Holy Spirit to give you a different perspective".

A different perspective.  

Stephanie, can you ask Me for My perspective?  

Yes, Lord, I want Your perspective...  Please show me what is true and how to see this differently.  

Instantly, as I prayed, I could feel a slight shift.  One bite of manna and I was fed.  He answered and I was seeing just a bit differently.  It was like light shaft opened over my heart and brain and there was more balance and calm.  I was able to see the 'shoulds' that had been annoying me in a totally different light.  I began to see differently.   It was today's miracle!  

It was like my boat was thrown off kilter and the Holy Spirit was the ballast that brought me stability and centered me.   When I asked, He balanced me.  What a gift.  (Ballast is material that is used to provide stability to a boat.  Insufficiently ballasted boats tend to tip or heel excessively in high winds.)

On the heels of seeing a bit more clearly, I had two thoughts... 

   

First, how does anyone live life without the gift of God's Spirit bringing truth to their minds and hearts?  What a gift, Lord! 

And, then the second thought, ...oh! oh, man! I live my life all the time without the gift of God's Spirit bringing truth!  How often do I bounce around my day in a hot mess and heavy laden?  Lord, I need to do this even more!

Lord, help me to ask You for help more often.  Father, help me to abide in Your love, Your Presence and the gift of Your truth.  Spirit of God, thank you that you long to 'right me' and be my ballast.  I want to ask You more.  Teach me to pray!  

He offers us Himself as our ballast.  He offers Himself as my moment-by-moment answer to any whirlwind or hot mess I find myself in---awake or asleep.    

Buzzin Brain

Does your brain ever buzz with busy thoughts and details?  

My brain has been on super-charge this week...  as my youngest made his decision to fly further afield and pursue his master's degree in a different country.  Exciting!  So exciting.  Yes, and a bit maddening... the details, O the details!   

He doesn't need our help, of course.  But, we want to contribute and provide companionship in this big move!  So... this mamma-heart considers everything from transportation to toilet paper,  his housing and our hotel, transportation and taxes,  beds and banking, and...  well, a host of other things that need to happen as we go.  

With buzzing comes worry.  Or, with me, it does.  There is very little calm when my brain is a buzzin'.  

This morning, coming to God and His word, I was touched so gently by a passage in Matthew.   In Matthew 14 Jesus miraculously feeds 5,000 men.  In Matthew 15, the disciples witness Him feed 4,000 men.  Then in Matthew 16: 5-12, the disciples think Jesus is upset with them because they forgot to bring bread with them on their journey.  Jesus says,  

"You of little faith, why are you talking among yourselves about having no bread? Do you still not understand? Don’t you remember the five loaves for the five thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? Or the seven loaves for the four thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? How is it you don’t understand that I was not talking to you about bread?"

In short, ...Jesus says...  How are we really still talking about bread!?   He reminds them that they have just seen two massive miracles where 9,000 men (plus!) were given enough bread AND left-overs.  

...for Jesus bread is really, really not a problem! 

My heart was so stirred by this passage...  And, I sensed a loving rebuke.  A tender hearted... You-of-little-faith-moment.  Stephanie, are we really still talking and worrying about bread? Do you still not understand?  Just tell me what you need and let's move on.  This is not hard for Me!  

How often God tells His people "Do not forget!"... and O! how often we forget!  Right!?  

My life has been filled with an abundance of transportation and toilet paper miracles.  He has provided for me over and over again.  Houses, hotels, refrigerators and rental cars.  In fact, in one of my very first posts here on Koodaigirl...  Microwaves on a Thousand Hills I wrote about the abundance of sheets---bed sheets and cookie sheets and the microwave that just showed up at our door.  Oh!  How easily I forget.  I am only slightly embarrassed that this was 2009 and here I am, learning the same lessons.  

So, today, when the details come lashing against my peace-filled brain... I choose to remember.  In fact, you might just overhear me walking around the house saying, "I have seen Him feed 9,000 mouths!" to remind myself.  

We can choose to remember.  

I choose to remember today and "forget not all His benefits"  (Psalm 103).   These moments of remember may just keep this buzzin' brain at bay.  

Little by Little

There are still so many things in my life that are simply not right.  Things I think... things I do... ways--- deep ways--- I walk through life.  Wrong thoughts.  Wrong actions.  Wrong motivations.   

Just simply wrong.  

I feel grieved by this, of course.  As I look at myself I see with sober judgment the ways that I fall short.  

I woke up last week angry with myself.  The accusations--- much of it accurate, in truth--- were heavy and strong.  It is hard to put words to the feelings raging in the night.  Rage, I guess, is a good word.  

Feeling this anger, I decided to remain curious about it.   (It is good when the counsel I give to others comes back to me.  ...'doctor heal thyself, comes to mind!')  

Prayerfully, I asked the Lord what was under the anger.  Using the good-ol tool, the Anger Iceberg, I ask the Lord to show me what was underneath my anger toward myself.  I have used this tool many times in my anger toward others.  But, this was the first time I had used it with myself.  It was SO helpful.  

The list was long!  Words like frustration, disappointment, disgust were right there.  As were embarrassed, guilt, and exhausted.  But, so were fear and worry...  

As I sat with these words and saw what was underneath--- I could feel the intense anger subsiding.  

I prayed through each word and stayed curious about each feeling as the "data point" that it is....  (feelings are simply data points for what is going on in our souls).  

I told the Lord that, honestly, the anger felt powerful.  ...helpful, even.  ...productive.  If I am angry at myself, then I will not think or do these things.  Right?!  Oh! that 'parenting by shame and anger' that always backfires!  

I heard a still small voice in response to this honesty...  Stephanie, love is more powerful. 

Love is more powerful!  

After the feelings of anger were quieted... and I could deal with the real substance underneath.  I asked God if He shared any of these feelings towards me.  Each word--- one by one.  ...that was a very revealing prayer conversation.  

He brought to mind many scriptures... many thoughts and I continue to pray for His thoughts over me.  He reminded me of His Hesed love --- unfailing and unconditional.  Powerful love.  Love that brings healing and repentance and grace.  He reminded me of His wisdom, He knows the beginning from the end--- His continued work in my life to bring me to completion (an 'in process' reality).

And, then, He reminded me of Exodus 23:29,30....  where He tells the Israelites that He is giving the land to them 'little by little'.  

I will not drive [the enemies] out before you in a single year; otherwise the land would become desolate and wild animals would multiply against you. Little by little I will drive them out ahead of you, until you become fruitful and possess the land.

In His wisdom, He knew that His people were not ready to take the whole land---  He knew that they were only 'big enough' to take possession of the land in parts.  This verse was like a balm to my soul.  

These 'enemies'--- my wrong thinking, my struggles, my frustrations, my imperfections, my sin--- are being driven from 'my land' little by little.  In the Lord's kindness and love, He knows just how much of my 'land' (my very self... my soul) I can possess.  I am just not quite big enough in Him, in His love, in His power to have conquered it all yet!   Every day, I am growing... but...  I am just not there yet.  

My prayer at that point shifted dramatically... thanking Him for the ground and lands we have won!  Thanking Him for the years and years of victory in my life.  Asking Him for more ground--- more soul-land--- that would be His!!  May He make me fat with Him... big, grand, fruitful, and able to 'possess' in His name and by His Spirit the whole of myself.  

In Genesis and in Exodus, God promised that the land was theirs---  Already theirs--- by His powerful hand and covenant.  The land was theirs and yet, still needed 'taking'.  God Almighty is on-the-job of possessing all the land-o-Stephanie.  At the cross, Jesus has conquered this land and I am His. Conquered and 'His'... and currently being conquered.  May He have His way!  

Yes, Lord, there are still so many things in my life that are wrong.  Little by little, Lord, destroy these ways of thinking, these attitudes and actions!  I want to be wholly Yours---  fully alive and fully free in You.  

LAST Sabbatical Reflection: Words on a Page #36 I Remember

 I Remember...  

...words taken and reworked almost directly from Ezekiel 16...

The clear image has stolen into my mind

Day and night, without bidding.

A waking dream. I remember. 

I see her...feeling so very old at 15,

But truly so, so very young.

Insecure. Lost. Sad. Scared. 

I remember the days of my youth,

I know where I came from, 

where you found me. 

I know the state I was in---

The pain, the confusion.

Where I was heading.

You found me, 

born from lines of sin and treachery.

Bloodied with misuse.

Uncared for. Unseen.

Tossed aside and neglected.

You found me naked, unaware of my shame.

Tenderly, you brought me close.

With your hesed, you bathed me.

You washed me clean. 

You clothed me with fine linen.

Adorned me with beauty and wealth.

You fed me with choice foods.

You poured abundance.

You poured blessing on my head.

You established an everlasting covenant.

You offered yourself to me, 

Covered me with your garments.

You called me your own.

I belong to you!
I am yours.

You are mine.

With joy and with peace

You fill my days.

Your love is better than life.

Written November 2020

...words taken and reworked almost directly from Ezekiel 16..

Ezekiel 16:3-14 

"...I bathed you with water and washed the blood from you and put ointments on you. I clothed you with an embroidered dress and put sandals of fine leather on you. I dressed you in fine linen and covered you with costly garments. I adorned you with jewellery: I put bracelets on your arms and a necklace around your neck..."

HESED 

Written November 2020

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page#20 Hidden

 Hidden

The tide rolls in and covers.

Boulders and stones lay beneath.

Hidden. Unseen.

Beneath movement and thick deep

Cities and stadiums of structure stand.

Hidden. Unseen.

Give it time!  The tide will shift again.

These rocks and foundations will be revealed

Opened and on display.

"For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, 

and nothing concealed that will not be known

and brought out into the open."

Luke 8:17

Hallelujah and Praise Him for His mercy and unfailing love.  

Hesed  חֶסֶד‎!  

Written October 2020

Reminds me of this post from 2009

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #14 The Word

 

The Word

A firm rock

A solid stepping stone.

It lifts me, to see more. 

I peek just over the wall. 

A place to settle.

To sit and rest from the noise

My home.

I take warmth in refuge.

My doorway to beyond... 

More of You, more of me.  

My gateway to light and truth.

I walk through and see.

My river to life, 

To drink from, to wade in, to swim!

My raft. 

The vessel that carries me. 

My rock.  

To hold me and lift me up

The place I find rest, light, and life!

The place I find You.

Written July 2020

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #10 This Old House

 

This Old House

This old house---

Same old house

Same smells and sights.

Corners and walls

So familiar.

The wallpaper needs changing---updating.

No, actually, the foundation.

Pull up the floor boards!

Rot underneath. Rip them out!

Rebuild with lapis and turquoise.

A foundation laid and layered with faults and cracks

Burn it down!  

Start again!

Sounds of shifting sand echo and warn. 

This house will fall!

But, alas! the land is secure.

This rickety structure was built on a rock which is firm.

Faithful. Steadfast.  

Before the foundations of the earth, 

hesed was.  Hesed always is.

Yes! Mold and mildew may lurk deep within these old walls.

Disease lingers.  

Pour over with the cleansing water and ash.  

With hyssop, scarlet and cedarwood, 

Clean this old house!   

Written June 2020

Leviticus 14

Isaiah 54:11,12

Stop the Madness

I can get pretty locked up in my head.  My thoughts can be so busy, random, critical, and full-on.  Through the years, I have become more and more aware of this buzzing reality that can be my brain...  awareness has been key to freedom from it, for sure.

But, even attentiveness and practicing God's Presence, doesn't always stop the madness.  I can go from peaceful knowledge of God's now Presence and, in the blink of an eye, I find myself lost again in the fast paced brain buzzing.  Before I know it, I am locked in a cycle of hurried thinking--- way too much thinking and very unproductively.

I find that there are different ways or kinds of thought.  This cycle of buzzing is not helpful, it is harmful thought.  These busy, burdened and even berating thoughts are unproductive thinking.  They feel more like chaos than order.  They are filled with lies and falsehood instead of truth.  And, often they cause anxiety, as opposed to peace.  The enemies of my soul play a huge part in this battle---  the adversary and my flesh--- fighting against the love, joy, peace and patience of the Spirit.

I found myself in this very cycle this week.  It doesn't really matter the topic or topics of thought--- it is just that my mind is bursting with unproductive and busy thoughts.  Like Martha of old, I am "worried about a great many things". 

Psalm 84 caught my attention on Wednesday...  the whole of the Psalm.  But, also one particular phrase jumped at me with clarity.  "whose hearts are set on a pilgrimage...they go from strength to strength" (Psalm 84:5-7).  The Psalmists are talking about the Presence of God.  They are rejoicing in their experience of dwelling with Him--- or in Him, His temple. 

In this Psalm, the Sons of Korah, are sharing about the blessedness ('esher'=happiness) that is with those who remain and abide in God.  We know that, as His people, we are now His temple.  He dwells within us through His Spirit!  We, then, have this happiness always available to us.  We can abide in His love.  Always!

With the phrase "whose heart is set on pilgrimage" the Lord seemed to be reminding me that the direction I was pointed was important.  A pilgrim is going somewhere.  She is pointed in a very clear direction, with purpose in their journey.  I could feel the gentle rebuke of God's heart...  Where or to Whom is your heart, your mind and your soul pointed, Stephanie?  Where is your mind headed?  

In most cases, when my mind is buzzing with unproductive and unhelpful thought, I am most definitely pointed inward.  I am looking at me...  either in the negative, the positive, or just the practical... my eyes are downward or inward.  If I am not inwardly focused, I am focused just on my immediate earthly reality:  the very same "many things" that Martha was buzzing about.  I am headed in a circular race to get the next thing done, to fix this or that, only to start over again to fix the next thing and do this or figure out that.  It is a rat race in my head.  My own personal torture device!

The old adage comes to mind:  "Worry is like a rocking chair.  You move but go nowhere."

It is good to look up and out.  It is very good to stop--- to Sabbath ("to cease")---and look at Him.   It is not only good, it is essential and life giving.  I must stop the madness.  Just cease.  Just cease, sit, and ask myself, prayerfully, "What do you actually think?! What is true?"  In response to this question, I wrote in my journal today: I think and know He is---  and then followed it with all that He is---all that is True about my amazing God and Savior.

He is righteous.  He is good.  He is loving.  He is faithful.  He is covenant and steadfast.  He is wise.  He is aware.  He sees.  He knows.  He loves.  He judges rightly.  ... the list went on and on.

When I get locked in the hurried and heavy thinking of my running mind, this productive truth-thinking stabilizes me.  His truth---who He is, and who I am because of Him--- is an anchor for my soul and most definitely for my mind.  I can feel the order and equilibrium immediately.  This is indeed my "one needful thing" (Luke 10:42).  Every day.  Every moment of every day.

"You will keep in perfect peace all whose thoughts are fixed on You!" (Isaiah 26:3)

His Third "Coat" of Paint on Me

I was hardly listening to the song.  The music and lyrics were just wafting in the background.  In one moment, though, one particular line jumped out and sang hope to my heart:  "There are victories yet to come.  They are certain as the rising of the sun!" (Matt Maher, Great is Your Faithfulness)

Victories.  Coming.  Certain and sure!  This does my heart such good to remember.  

God knows how utterly frustrated I am with the places in my life and heart that are still bent, broken, and in need of victory.  He knows the disappointment, resentment and anger I can feel at myself, at my sin.   

Yesterday, while praying for a particular long-standing "issue" of heart and sinful thinking, I had a clear picture in my mind.  Most of you know this last year I have taken up watercolor painting.  One of the MOST difficult disciplines that I struggle with in painting (aside from my desire to paint perfectly), is the time it takes to let it dry between stages.  You have to be really patient.  Almost all my "fails", hands down, in painting, thus far... have come from rushing the process or being impatient.  It really doesn't work to rush it.  You have to paint one layer, one “wash”--- and then let it dry completely.  In this humid climate, even more, this reality has brought much annoyance to my impatient self.  

The painting in each stage looks chaotic, messy, and the picture is very unclear.  It’s not very pretty--- sometimes not at all.  The end picture is barely discernible. 

Instinctively, I want to move on quickly, keep painting... make the chaos that is wash one or wash two, into something I can discern or make out.  I want to see it complete.  But, in all honesty, I almost ruin most of my paintings when I rush and move on too soon.  

This was the picture that came to my mind as I was asking Father about this particular issue of sin and pattern of wrong thinking in my life...  He showed me watercolor painting.  

Creative God... painting His masterpiece--- me (and you!)... is always at work.  He is faithful and says in His word, He will bring us to completion.  (Philippians 1:6)  He will bring us into perfection!  Scripture tells us we can be confident of this--- "as sure as the rising of the sun!"  But, in Philippians, He also clearly states that this completion happens in time.  The process works it's way out until the 'day of Christ Jesus'--- meaning when the Kingdom comes in it's fullness.  

He's is just on a second, third, or fourth layer of paint on me!

I want to be done.  I want to see it's completion.  All the things in me, in those I love, and in this world around me--- I want them perfect.  Yesterday, please!

But, be of good cheer, my friends!    I speak to my soul, "Be of good cheer, Stephanie!"  He is at work.  He is faithful.   He is good. If the good work has begun in you, then He will indeed bring it to completion.  It is certain and sure.  

"There are victories yet to come!  They are certain as the rising of the sun. Great is Your faithfulness---always and forever!" 



*the paintings above are not my paintings.... Just lovely wash art by others--- free online to use.  

Loved Even More Than Birdie

Every day, without fail, he comes to the window.

How he knows I am awake or how long he has been watching for me... only God knows!  My little friend---Mr. Black Bird.  Or, "Birdie" as we fondly refer to him.

Early each morning, I stumble downstairs and find myself a glass of water.  First things first...I am just trying to wake up!  And, without fail, Birdie flies over to my kitchen window.  He turns his head left, then right, trying to see me more clearly... I think.  Then he chirps.  Sometimes silently, just an open mouth chirp, like you might imagine from a young bird opening to his mother.  Sometimes he offers some soft sound. He is coming for food.  Raisins, to be exact.  (I have offered him alternatives without success)  His early morning cheeky begging for raisins is one of my great joys each morning.  I can hardly express the happiness it gives me to see him fly over---almost like he is announcing, "You're here!".

I adore his "feed me" eagerness and persistence.  I can walk around the kitchen for half an hour and he will wait.  Turning his head left, then right.  Mouth open.  Waiting.  Expecting.  He knows...  He just knows I can't resist him.  Too cute for words.

This was the keen picture which came to my mind today.  I was praying and telling God how thankful I was for His grand abundance of provision in my life.  There is so much He has given me---eyes that work, ears that hear, feet that function, a roof keeping off this horrid rain, a warm bed, food in abundance, and so so much more.  How can I even begin to articulate the gifts of goodness the Lord provides!?  I was in a moment of profound gratefulness... when this clear image of Birdie popped into my mind.

As I was prayerfully curious about the picture, I could sense God wanting to show Himself--- His heart.  This.  This, Stephanie, is how I feel about you. 

Like a flash, I had the thought that God loves to give.  ...No, not only loves...   God loves AND delights to give His kids good gifts.  It makes Him thoroughly happy when we come to Him for our food.  When we daily look for Him, wait for Him, and when we expect good things from His hand.  The joy I feel when I feed Birdie--- this.  This is how God feels about us.  We can bring Him joy.  You and me.  The thought of bringing joy and delight to God is truly staggering; and, certainly Biblical.

"You are precious in my eyes.... and I love you." (Isaiah 43:4)

"God the Father will give good gifts to those who ask Him." (Matthew 7:11)

"The Lord Almighty will take great delight in you..." (Zephaniah 3:17)

The verses are endless.  If you look for the heart of God---Old Testament and New--- you will see the heart of love, delight, and determination on God's part to give goodness to His people.

Lord, thank You for your daily provision for me.  You give me so many things... and even "raisins" (what I like!).  Keep my heart ready and waiting for You each day.  May I run to Your word and wait in anticipation for Your filling and feeding.  You delight to give me good things!  Your food is my hearts greatest desire, I know.  Keep me eager and persistent and ever looking for it---and looking for You.  

Every day.  Without fail.  I want to come to you and wait expectantly.

Feeling Empty

I just didn't have it this morning.  I felt empty.  Lacking.

I woke up seriously lacking.  Lacking energy.  Lacking joy.  Out of sorts and out of whack,  I certainly didn't have it this morning.  Grace.  Love.  Peace.  Joy.  I didn't have any of it for myself, let alone for anyone else.

The morning habit of "the chair" always draws me... sometimes with excitement and anticipation, often simply out of discipline and habit.  At some silly-o-clock every morning, my alarm sings.  I wake.  I stumble down stairs and drink my glass of water.  And, then I go to my chair...  Habit.  Good daily habits. What a gift!

Bible.  Journal.  Prayer App.  Worship Music.  ...all tools I might use in my chair.  This day I just sat there, half awake, staring into the space in front of me.  How long did I just stare into the room? Looking but not seeing.  Just sitting.

I could scarcely hear the whisper waft my way... was it from my habit, was it from my Lord?...  Either way, I could hear a whisper:  the Word.  

The Word, Stephanie.  A still small voice reminding me to pick up God's word.  With automatic obedience, I lifted my bible and my journal from where they live in the basket next to the chair.

Opening the Bible, the red cloth book marker directed me where to place my eyes on the page.  Good thing for that marker!  Without it I may have just stared for more time into the nothingness.  Following the marker's direction, I found my place and I read.  Almost from the first word, from the pulsating life which lives within the very letters on this majestic page, I could feel a surge.  Truth.  I could feel the truth in the words I was reading.  None of the Words were new.  I have read them a thousand times, to be sure.  In fact, I had read the very same words yesterday.  But, again today, they were fresh with life.  Ah, the Word of God does wonders for the soul! 

As Scripture awakened my mind, my heart and my soul...  I began to see a bit more of me.  It took time.  A thawing was beginning as I read word after word.

Finally words from within me began to emerge.  The first words I scribbled in my journal said, "I just don't have it today."

I just don't have it, Lord.  I am seriously lacking.  

As if God is surprised by this confession, right?  He is well aware of our need for Him.  He knows I am lacking.  I am always lacking...

Yes, I know, Stephanie.  So, now that you know, ask Me for exactly what you need.   

What did I need from God?  Today.  What was my need.  Oh.  So much!  I need grace, Lord.  I need love today, Lord!  I don't have it.  I don't have it for me.  I don't have it for anyone else.  

Truth washed over my mind like a flood.  I have both in abundance.  I am Love.  I am rich in grace.  And, I live IN you.  

In You...  abundance.  richness and fullness.  

I could feel the boldness growing.  Yes, I can ask for exactly what I need!  Yes, my God is rich in mercy.  I need joy, Lord... Oh man, I am really not feeling the joy, Lord!  Can I have more joy today, please? And, oh, I'm seriously needing peace and definitely patience...  I need so much, Lord.  

In the dark, cold morning, I was warmed by His invitation.  My Spirit lives in You.  My fullness.  Love.  Joy.  Peace. Patience... all I am, accessible to you.  Always.  A living stream of life and truth is welling within you, because I live in you.  I dwell in you.  You have everything you need.  Everything.  In Me.  Ask me... and then wait and see!  

Truly, I walked away from my chair with more joy and peace.  I asked and He answered.  I could feel Him giving me what I needed for the day.  Enough.  I always have enough in Him.  I simply needed to ask and receive.  Bread enough for my today.

I didn't have it this morning.  But, my God does and He loves to give the good gift of His Spirit to His children.  (Luke 11:13)

"Whoever believes in Me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them. He was speaking of the Spirit..."  (John 7:38, 39)

Right way and right time

In the early hours of the morning I was awaken after a dream.  It was a deeply sad dream.  I was troubled.  I could feel the fear lingering in my heart.

Laying in bed, in prayer... I decided to get up.  I would re-set my alarm to sleep past my normal waking time.  I could go and have my 'God-time' in His Word at 4 am... then allow myself the extra sleep if I could get there again after 5 am.

Needless to say, it was a troubling dream.  Anything that will pull me from my warm bed...into the cold, wet dark of winter; I was feeling it acutely.

Sitting in my 'morning chair' I prayed.  I could feel the silence of the dark around me and I knew that the dark was welling inside, as well.  I didn't feel relief in that moment.  I just felt alone.

So... I spent the first moments of my quiet time in my journal.  I wrote.  And, wrote.  I spilled out the profound sadness that accompanied the dream.  This dream happened to be a repeat of a theme, as of late.  I have seen this dream before... or at least I have seen its sort.

A theme of worries and fears about the future.  I have been having dreams of sadness draping my world and hard roads which lay ahead.  Oh... the cold and dark of the early morning hours.

After spilling my mind and my heart out on paper... I still felt a bit lost.  Where now, Lord? 

I sensed and felt to simply pick up where I left off yesterday... in my daily reading through of Isaiah.  Isaiah 30 is where I landed.

In the dark of this early morning, my eyes began to read and read and read... Slowly, prayerfully I read; all the while waiting and expecting the living Word to do what it so often does--- jump right off the page and touch me.  I wasn't disappointed.

After a few moments, from the pages, my soul saw and heard "Yahweh is a God of justice*.  Blessedly happy are all who wait expectantly for him" (Isaiah 30:18)

The word justice... in this version.. had an asterisk next to it and the explanation said:

"This word justice is the very complex and profound Hebrew word:  mishpat.  In this context it means 'one who knows how to make right decisions at just the right time'.

...to make right decisions.  just at the right time.  Always true.  Always authoritatively correct.  Always timely.  Just the right time.

This was exactly what my soul needed this morning.  With the Words, I could feel my heart resting and my mind slowing to the pace of Truth.

My God... this Yahweh, who I love with all my heart, mind and strength... is a God who is good, righteous, loving, and holy.  He has always been.  He will always be.  It is HE that makes these decisions.  Just at the right time.

These heavy premonitions and worries that lurk at the edge of my future... these sad things that my soul seems determined to process--- I can lay them down at His feet.  I can place them in His hands. I can wait expectantly on Him---receiving my inheritance of peace and 'blessed happiness'.  I can know that He does all things well.

I need never worry.  I need never be afraid of tomorrow.  I can trust Him to do just the right thing in/with my life---at just the exact right time.

As an end to my early morning journal ramblings, I wrote the verse down.  I circled it.  And shutting the book, I quietly made my way upstairs and slipped back into bed.  For a very few short moments, lying in the dark of the 5 am...  I whispered a prayer and my soul was at rest once again.  ...Falling asleep with the thought,  My God is the God of mishpat!

My Advent

There are days when it all feels very heavy and dark.  The world.  The news.  The sadness.

But, today, I awoke with a sadness that was almost oppressive.  Sadness seemed to hang around my neck as I rose from bed.  It pulled me down and filled my chest as I sipped my coffee.  Grief sat in my throat as I ate and weighed heavy as I walked to church.  As worship began, the tears hung heavy in my eyes...  slow, big, fat, hot tears.

Heavy, dark sadness.

I was sad... deeply saddened by the state of my heart.

Simply put, in my life, there is a certain way of thinking and seeing that is just wrong.  Profoundly wrong.  I know it is wrong; and yet, I still think the crooked thoughts and see with these darkened eyes.  There seems to be nothing I can do to change it.   Years, my heart cries.  Years and years I have seen this way and battled against it.   Years, Lord!  I cry out...longing for this to be changed.

I even know why I might naturally think this way...   I am aware.  I know the history--- I understand the where it came from.  God has shown me.   And, that has helped.   Awareness is definitely good.

But, still.  Still, I can't shift it.  I can't seem to change or fix the pattern.  My friend refers to these places as tectonic plates in our souls.  I seriously need an big 'ol 8.0 to shake these set ways of seeing.  Where can I go and what can I do?

It was one moment in time...

One swift moment.  This morning, in the midst of this heavy grief over my sin...

One young man reading one well-known passage in Scripture. 

A phrase.  A line from the text.  The Word jumped out of his teenage mouth into my dark heart and there was instantaneous light.  I felt it.  One beautiful moment...   Truth and light.

I quickly found the passage to read it again.  I couldn't take my eyes off it!  I read and read.  As I read the Word, I could literally feel the surge of hope.  I could feel the light swelling and pushing out the sadness.

"Every valley shall be raised up.  Every hill made low.  The rough ground shall become level and the rugged places a plain." (Isaiah 40:4)

Rugged and rough places.  Dark valleys...

In my minds eye I could see the rough and rugged reality of my soul--- these wrong ways of thinking and the dark valleys where my eyes could not see rightly.

My soul.  Rough.  Rugged.  Thorny and full of stones.

As if I could hear the Spirit of the Lord this morning saying over me, "Make a straight path for our God!" (Isaiah 40:3)  He commands it.  The Lord wills it.  Over me, He speaks...  I will make it level!  

In me.  In and over these rough places.  In me... a straight path.  Level ground.  A green plain.  A straight pathway for the glory of the Lord.

This is the gospel.  This is what Jesus has done for me.  This is what Jesus is doing in me...   The now and the 'not yet'.  He has shifted.  He will shift.  And, He continues to shift the rocks and make way for His way in and through me.  I have seen it.  I will continue to see it.

Light shone into my darkness this morning.  This morning, I, once again, saw a great light.  The darkness will not overcome it.  He is making all things new.  This will shift.  This will change.

There are days when it all feels very heavy.  Yes.

Today, I will wait.  I will hope and I will watch for the Lord.  With joy, now, hovering over my head and light filling out the spaces of my heart---I wait.

My advent. 

"And then, imperceptibly, it was death and winter that yielded, and life and spring stood at the door and beckoned." ~ Elizabeth Goudge, Towers in the Midst