"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Friday, January 21, 2011

Downcast

I found out today that I am again at a dead-end with getting any treatment or help for my ongoing, long-standing disease.

Why so downcast O my soul?

These words spoken by David years ago, echo the cry of my heart today as I wrestle with sadness and disappointment.

Tears linger on the rims of my already red eyes. And, there aren't many more words... I am just sad.

Why so disturbed within me?

Sometimes it is just good to speak to your soul. Sometimes asking questions, hard questions of my soul is important. And, helpful. So, I ask myself... Why so disturbed within me? And, then I speak, like my brother David did, I speak to my soul ...

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise you.

These words aren't trite to me today. They are spoken in pain from my confused head to my sad soul... they aren't "praise the Lord!" with an indifferent smile or a wave of ignorance. My head speaks these deep words and calls out to the depth of my soul... put your hope in God!

Deep calls to deep.

My head speaks these true words. I will yet praise him. ...it will come. The praise. It will come again. I will be able to say, "I praise the Lord" from the depth of my soul again and with a smile.

I will yet praise Him. This is my hope. He is my hope.

But, right now, today... it is okay to say to God, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by my enemy?" I ask my soul hard questions. David reminds me it is okay to ask God hard questions, too.

Why so downcast O my soul? Put your hope in God. for I will yet praise Him. My Savior and my God. Psalm 42
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