Not literally, but emotionally, I fell flat and felt buried in sadness and anger.
Strong and painful emotions raged within my mind and heart. I was deeply sad and I was mad---very, very mad. But, the emotional pain of my tumble was only secondary to the excruciating pain which came in the aftermath---the aftershocks in my soul. For days afterward, I was angry at myself for this fall. The "beating up" began only moments after the fall. Accusations were loud and intense: How old are you, Stephanie?! I thought you were better than this... stronger than this... Is your faith even real? Have you learned anything? Who are you to teach? ...to lead? You are such a looser. Where is your faith now? The hissing lies from without and within were dark and heavy. These words I was hearing brought only chaos and more anger... more sadness. More dark.
Lies always bring darkness, shame and chaos. Truth brings Light... and repentance...and peace.
Today I walk upright and sure. Those angry voices are silenced and I am walking at peace with myself and with my God. And, I am learning and re-learning new and old lessons as I ponder and pray and look back on what happened inside.
Maybe I will write later about how God "righted" me... Or, why I believe (wrongly) that strong emotions or "falling apart" is cause for shame... Those, and other lessons, are for another post.
For now, it was so good to be reminded of my vulnerability and my weakness. I am vulnerable. Every day. It was so healthy for me to find myself so in utter need of Jesus, ...just Jesus, to lift me from my fall. And, He did. He lifted my head and filled my mind with Truth.
I am finding that my prayers lately have shifted just slightly. Where before I might have asked God to strengthen me, I am asking Him to be my strength.
I was reading yesterday and I was so struck by these beautiful verses, "You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankle does not turn" (Psalm 18:36)
This. This is the heart of my prayers recently. Not that God would strengthen my ankles... but that He, Himself, would be my strength. Asking that He would broaden my path and keep my ankle from turning. Psalm 18 begins with, "I love you, O Lord, my strength".
O Lord, my strength. You alone are my rock and my defense. You are my shield.
A subtle shift has happened in my heart. ...More dependence and more awareness of my need for Him every hour and every minute.