In the Kazakh language, when translating the common Biblical phrase "in Christ", the term "tightly bound together with Christ" was used.
We know that this closeness... this depth of relationship is available. But, sometimes it feels far away---out of reach.
I am realizing that on those days---or in those seasons---in reality, it is me who is very far away. As trite as it can sound, it is not that God has moved or changed. It is me who is far away. And, in truth, I am not 'far away from God'--- He is ever close. In fact, I am far from me.
In these moments, it isn't that I can't find God. It is that I can't find myself.
I have been wandering for days and nights recently in the feeling of "far away". David's Psalms bouncing through my head, "Where are you, O God!? Why are you far from me? Will you remain distant forever, angry at me forever?"...these words ringing in my ears through the watches of the night, I have been tossed and turned with angst and exhaustion.
Realization hit today, though, as I finally sat long enough to ask the heart question of myself, "Where are you, O Stephanie?"
Where are you...
God asks that of Adam and Eve those first fitful, painful, disastrous moments in recorded time.
Where are you, O Stephanie?
Given time, pen and paper, a bit of quiet, and a reluctantly-willing heart, I sat and asked myself the very question that God asked Adam.
The answer wasn't pretty. I, too, was hiding. Hiding in shame. Angry at myself for sin and choices to run away. I was tired. I was sad... profoundly sad. Under the anger sat frustration, embarrassment, worry, fear, hurt, insecurity, sadness, judgment, and pain.
While this may sound over-dramatic, I truly believe these are the feelings of every day life: Everyone's every day life. I just think we are really good at hiding from ourselves.
After prayerfully listening, to the best of my vulnerability, to my heart and asking where I was... I sat for another moment. And, the thought dawned on me...
You O Lord, where are you?
The same place I have always been. I am. Here. Creator. Sustainer. Redeemer. Rock. Alpha and Omega. I am Under...Over...In...you. I am.
I am Love.
I used to feel that God would move far away or I couldn't find Him. But, I am most certainly the one who moves... I so easily move away from myself, from others, and ultimately from Him.
I have heard this trite saying, too... many times. But, today, I experienced Him walking in my garden with me and asking me to stop and answer the age old question... Where are you?
