Time Travel

"You would think you'd get used to it...right?!" 

Yes, yes... one would think! 

It was a passing comment in response to my exclamation and exasperation about the time travel and jet lag that was plaguing me. 

I have been officially traveling, as a living, for nearly 25 years.  One might think I would get used to it.  But, I haven't. 

I have indeed become better acquainted with the challenges.  I have gotten much better at managing the sleepless nights, the hours on an airplane, and the dizzy feeling and nausea that I experience for days after arriving in a new time zone.  But, the truth is... I was not made to rush from one world to another.  It just feels unnatural. 

It feels jarring.  Jerking.  Shocking, in the least. 

Like Lucy stepping through C.S. Lewis' wardrobe, I feel the disruption intensely when I feel the new ground under my feet.  I get confused.  I get utterly confused--- in my soul--- as I step into the new world. 

I have felt confused for days now   Out of step.  Out of whack.  Where am I?  Was I actually in Asia, just three days ago? 

Age old struggles rear their ugly head and I feel like I don't quite know how to act, to think, or sometimes even... to pray. 

I told someone yesterday that "my soul has yet to catch up with my body".  (I stole that phrase ages ago from a preacher who travels!)  My body is here.  My physical actions are well rehearsed and accurate.  But, I just don't 'feel' here.  It's like Stephanie hasn't quite arrived in this new land. 

And, I feel this most every time I travel. 

No, I am not used to it.

Driving in the car yesterday, I was listening to a favorite song.  As the words washed over me and my mouth moved with the lyrics... there was a single moment in time where I started to "feel" the words of the song.  Tears welled on the edge of my heart and my eyes.  Almost like my 'self' started to finally engage.  In that moment, I had the funny, passing thought... 

"Oh!  There you are!"  

Defrosting.  Awakening.  Catching up...

I think today I finally feel a bit more here.  Able to know again how to act, to think... and, this morning, knowing again how to pray. 

I don't think we are made to time travel.  The stretching of myself between lands, peoples, cultures, time zones, and such distance feels unnatural.  ...almost like I was created for one garden.  One beautiful garden.

You will commonly hear me say to my daughter... who lives 5,332 miles away from me (not that I've counted...ha!)  "We were supposed to live in tents next door to each other...  always". 

I don't know. 

But, I do know that I am certainly not used to it...  I also know that, in time, my soul will catch up with my body.

Never Runs Dry

I needed more again today...  Unedited and re-posted from 2011. 

Will it run out?  my heart wondered, in the quietness of the morning.

Today I came to my Heavenly Father with a burden of sin.  Conviction of my sin weighed heavy on my soul.
  
Will your mercy and your forgiveness have a limit?  Will it run out?  

I know the Biblical, Theological, head-truth answer to my heart's question:  Of course not!!  Never!

When it says His love as unfailing in Scripture, does it mean anything less than un-failing?  When it says eternal, can it mean less than eternal?  When it speaks of His faithfulness being as high or long as the heavens?  Or, His love being as deep as the oceans?

When the Word of God tells me that God's mercies are new every morning, could He possibly be out of fresh mercy for today?  Could it be that He might finally say, 'Nope, not this morning, I am afraid.

Of course not! ...No!  Never!

His love.

His grace.

His mercy.

Each unfailing.  All boundless, unconditional, faithful and steadfast.  Always enduring and eternal.  Always new and freshly offered.  This, this!, is the truth of the matter...

And yet my heart wondered this morning, When will your grace to me run out?  When will you be fed-up with my wandering heart?  When will it be the "last straw"?

In the very moment of wondering, my Father answered this morning with a in-my-face real life example.

Here, let me show you...  He whispered.

As I was praying and seeking and wondering, right then!, my son disobeyed me.  Again.  Same disobedience.  How many times have we talked about this?  How many times have I reprimanded him and corrected his behavior.  He was doing it again... I could hear him in the other room.  Again.

Does your love and grace run out for your son?  my kind Father whispered into my aching, sinful heart.
  
Are you done with him, your sweet boy?  Is this the last straw?  You done loving him, Stephanie?  
  
No, Lord!  May it never be!!  my heart welled up with deep truth and emotion...  Of course not!! Never!!  
  
And He reminds me of this beautiful, theological, Biblical truth ...right in my today-home.

"If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask." (Matthew 7:11)

photo source

Oh! How He surprises me with His eternal, everlasting, ever reaching love!!  Oh how He loves us!!  Oh how gracious our gentle, kind and loving Father is!!  I am struck a new today...  Fresh grace.  Fresh mercy.  Fresh love. ....that will never run out.  

"I know not a word which can express the surprise and wonder our souls ought to feel at God's goodness to us. Our hearts playing the harlot; our lives far from perfect; our faith, almost blown out; our unbelief often prevailing; our pride lifting up its accursed head; our patience a poor sickly plant, almost nipped by one night's frost; our courage little better than cowardice; our love lukewarmness; are ardor but as ice -- oh, my dear brethren!... we should indeed be surprised that the sun of divine grace should continue so perpetually to shine upon us, and that the abundance of heaven's mercy should be revealed in us." 

- Charles Spurgeon

Unedited and re-posted from 2011. 

Still Walking the Long Road

unedited re-post from 2016:  "A Long Journey"

Life is a long, long journey. 

Like destinations, there are many lessons that I wish I could just check off my list... and say I "have learned" this!  Been there.  Done that.

While certainly there have been lessons learned; I seem to circle back to 'same-old' places over and over again.

But, the one lesson that seems to be a reoccurring and reoccurring theme in my life is the lesson of "loved". I have both known it and not known it for many, many years.  For, "knowing" and surrendering-to-it are two very different things.

When I began this blog 8 years ago this very theme is clear in much of my writing---I wrote on my "Why Koodaigirl" page:  "I desire to live as loved".  This is still my same desire; and it only grows stronger, deeper, and more profound.  More hungry.

In the journey, though, along with the difficulties and struggles, we also have moments of great victory.  I have been seeing this victory lately in my life.  I can't really say when it began exactly; before time, it feels.  For God has been speaking to me of His love my whole Christian life.  All I really remember from my salvation day (at age 15) was a message about love.  I don't know what else Larry said that day... but, he said something very significant about the love of God.  That day I walked through the door of "loved" and have been journeying inward ever since.

These last months something significant has shifted.  I not only deeply believe, with all my mind, that God loves me (a profound gift He gave me about 10 years back); I now feelHis love "poured out in my heart" (Romans 5:5) on a very regular basis.  Where I have felt it here and there for years, I am "knowing" this abiding love.  I am experiencing His love filling me.  This is no small miracle.  My physical healing 15 years ago was "nothing" in comparison to this battle won!

This knowing of God's love... to my mind AND to my heart is a great gift.  A gift I believe He wants to give all His children.

I have to admit it took many pleas from my wooing Lord.  He has used songs multiple time (the funniest was the 80's classic, "I can't make you love me.")  He has used dreams, people, gifts, blessings, and suffering.  And, He has many, many times used His Word.  "Do not harden your heart" was the most recent Biblical phrase that led me to repent of my hardening to His love and His rest---it led me to lean-in and open my hands.  (Why I harden my heart is another conversation to be shared another time!)

After spending the day with Him yesterday and enjoying this love---sitting with it, working with it, eating with it--- I lay in bed last night and had a memory flood into my mind.  It was of our first trip to visit Wales 7 years ago.  When I walked into the house we currently live in there was a sign:  "Loved".  Like a message from His Spirit to my soul, I knew then that it was for me.  He was, yet again, speaking love over me.

So, last night after seeing this memory, I said to the Lord, "Wow!  It has taken 7 years for me to be won over to this amazing love! Wow...You have had to work for me for 7 years like Jacob, Lord!"  

Instantly, I heard in my spirit, something akin to "Longer..."  

Longer, Stephanie.  

Yes, Lord, much longer.  Like Rachel.  I am Your Rachel!!  You worked for over 14 years for me to accept and receive Your love.  

I fell asleep relishing in the fact that I am Jesus' Rachel.  What a blessed thought.

In the morning, I woke remembering it with a smile.  I am the Lord's Rachel.  His bride.   His beloved.

But, even as I write this... right now...the word I heard last night still lingers and speaks.  Longer...  

I have worked longer for you...

"For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight... in love..." (Ephesians 1:4)

A very, very long journey for God indeed. 

unedited re-post from 2016:  "A Long Journey"