"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Monday, June 14, 2010

Anger's covering

I was so angry. The circumstances don't really matter... but, all of a sudden, I found myself angrier than I have been in a long time. Shaking kind of mad... The kind of angry where tears come and they aren't from sadness. I was mad.

Now, 24 hours later, I am processing all the anger that rose from within. Where did it come from? Yes, the situation was legitimately frustrating. And, yes, maybe the injustice was worthy of anger... maybe. But, not that kind of anger that steams up my back, into my head... and yes, out of my mouth!

Now, as I look back it with 20-20 vision I can see where I may have gone wrong. The situation I had found myself in was not correctable. It was as it was. I couldn't have done anything different to make it less frustrating, or wrong. But, I do know that I could have experienced it differently. Had I put a little space, a small prayer, a simple/quick internal recognition of Father would have stamped out the anger, or dampened it. I know. It has "worked" before. It is amazing the "peace that surpasses understanding" that can guard my heart, my mind and my mouth when I pray.

In hindsight, I now clearly see that God gave me a little space. I can clearly see that moment I could have stopped and asked for His presence. He gave me a small moment, a space, to acknowledge Him as Lord --- Lord over the storm. I could have rested and had peace to cover the anger.

I have heard that a good definition of humility is "power under control". THAT is what I needed yesterday. The power of my anger, right or wrong, was not under control. I did not submit those feelings... even in an instant, or whispered prayer... to my Lord. I wasn't humble. In fact, much of the depth-anger that rose up was most certainly (I can see now) from place of pride. ...my rights had been violated! How dare you say that, do that, act that way to ME? ...No, I didn't have those thoughts. But, clearly, I was not humble and clearly my anger was not covered by His mercy, His peace, nor His Lordship.

Will I learn this Lord? I wonder sometimes when these things happen if I will ever take a step forward... and then He reminds me of His faithful love, His constant work, His grace. I am reminded of the fact that truly it has been a long time ... a really long time, since I was that angry. And, well... that is a step forward of sorts. I guess, I would prefer a leap. Perfection today, please!!

He gave me space yesterday, to accept the covering of His Presence. I didn't take it. I want to learn to submit, and respond to that invitation. Lord, teach me to cover all my emotions in You. Lord, teach me to invite you in and to humble myself, asking in all circumstances for Your help and Your Presence. Teach me to live under Your covering-peace, that which can guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.
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