"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Monday, June 7, 2010

His continual work... even through pain

There is just no way around it... My parent's divorce was very hard on me.

There is really no nice way to say it-- it sucked! To this day, I still have wounds and scars from the painful experience... a ripping that is unnatural, wrong, and not-as-it-should-be. My journey in processing their divorce has been a long one. I have felt, thought and experienced many things along the long road ... and yes, there has been much healing I have found from my Heavenly Father. But, still it hurts.

One thing that has been harder for me these past few years has been the ability to understand. I just don't get it. As I have looked back at the situation, I find myself puzzled as to why they couldn't have just stuck it out. Why did the marriage have to end? Honestly, I have found it very difficult to sympathize and certainly have found it challenging to understand. Maybe I will never truly understand--- they say that we never really do understand unless we walk in that person's shoes. I have never walked in my mom or my dad's shoes. And, as hard as I have tried to "theoretically" walk, I will never walk that mile in their shoes--- not really.

But, the Lord is kind in His desire to keep us journeying toward Him, toward true wisdom, toward wholeness, and toward godliness and compassion. He doesn't let us alone. I love that about Him!

These recent few years, I have taken some steps in my understanding, or at least my compassion. When I have successfully put on my "adult hat" and honestly attempted to hear my mom's heart or my dad's heart, there has been much growth in my understanding. I have asked them hard questions and tried to listen. I try to get it. And, I think, by God's grace, I have come a bit closer to hearing their hearts. But, that, it seems, is still not enough. My God never stops part way. He wants full healing! He wants a heart that hears Him and wounds that are bound up and healed.

And so.... He has kindly given me a new friend here that is smack-dab in the middle of a divorce. This divorce--- as they all do--- just stinks. It is horrible. It is painful to watch. But, not only has He has give me a budding relationship with this new, sweet friend... but also a relationship with this friend's dear little girl. So, I get to watch the mom. And the daughter.

And, well, it has brought a freshness to the pain--- and new eyes to watch on and attempt to understand. Again, I don my "adult hat" (or try to!) and watch as this mom suffers. I watch as the little girl suffers. I now watch this mom's good and bad decisions, her frustrations, her confusion, and her pain with eyes-wide-open. And, I see God bringing some healing to my heart as I witness this fresh pain, this fresh suffering... such a picture of my world some 30 years ago.

Of course, I know that their divorce is not about me. Not in the least. But, I know that I have been allowed to watch from a very close distance ...and to learn. Maybe to understand. Most certainly to heal.

My Father's work in my heart is never finished. He is working hard to bring me to completion. I know deeply that this fresh pain... touching it so closely now today... is allowing old wounds to continue to air-out and heal. Sometimes you have to peel back those bandages to let it heal. Thank you God that You never stop... Your healing work is constant.
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