Is it true that I am a sinner in desperate need of grace? YES! But, just as Satan used Scripture against Jesus in the desert, so this early, dark morning my heart was bombarded with a Truth that was being twisted and spoken with a lying tongue. When Satan lies he speaks his native tongue- his "first" language is falsehood. I was hearing "satanese" (as my husband and I like to call it sometimes).
This was not "good" guilt that would bring repentance and then grace. The feelings I experienced were shame, despair and discouragement. While I vocalized the thought out loud, "I am such a failure!", the waves of sadness and hopelessness increased and rushed in.
I do praise my kind Father who gives us good gifts. The Body of Christ in human form, our friends... our brothers and sisters in Christ, are one of Father's greatest gifts. For in that moment, it was difficult for me to hear the Father's truth-words to my heart. My spiritual ears were clouded and distracted with the lies. I needed to have them spoken to my physical ears. My dearest friend, my husband, spoke Truth over me as I shared with him my grief. He asked good questions and he prayed. He spoke the Father's love over me and he spoke his own love over me.
This journey of learning to "live as one loved" is certainly not new for me. The road has been long and Father has been faithful in His pursuit, His walking along side, His carrying me. He has spoken love over me for years. And years. Realizing I am loved by my heavenly Father as been my life's theme, you might say. This was one more step along this sometimes difficult path.
As the day's sun began to shine brightly that Monday morning, so did the Father's Truth shine light into my heart and fill my mind with warmth. Throughout that day and for days following, He continued to remind me of His love-pursuit. He brought to mind the many things He has been whispering into my heart for so long now, His words from His heart to my heart... I love you even when you can do nothing more than lay on a couch. His love endures forever. (Ps. 118) I love you even when you fail. While we were yet sinners... (Romans 5:8) You don't have to be perfect to be loved. You are a jar of clay, broken... ready to shine my Glory through. (2 Cor. 4:7). I love you, you are loved. You are a child that is lavished with love-- a love the Father pours out on His kids in abudnace. (1 John 3:1)
Ah, I so want to be perfect and to never fail again. My Father knows this. And, yet, what He wants from me is my heart--- my heart toward and about Him. He doesn't ask for my perfection... He asks for my abiding, abiding in His love. He doesn't ask for my strength, for He is my stronghold, my strong tower, my strength. He asks for me to abide, to follow, to listen, to obey, to trust Him... and to love Him more than anything else. He doesn't ask that I never stumble in these; in fact, He promises that "even though I will stumble (a given), I will not fall, for the Lord upholds me with His right hand" (Ps. 37).
His perfect love cast out all fear, all falsehood and shame. His love-language, the Father's native tongue, dispelled the "Satanese" that had attempted to kill and destroy. The streaming lies were shut out by the Light of truth, God's truth spoken from His loving heart.
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His faithful love endures forever!
