"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Tired Questions

It is hard when I get tired.

When I am tired, I am just not my best.  Who is?  I suppose this is true about anyone..

As tiredness creeps up, it feels like the temptations of old strategies, coping patterns and sin tendencies are crouching at the door of my heart... a tiger ready to pounce.  And, I just want to sleep and let 'em pounce away!

I have written of these tired temptations before...  I feel them again tonight.

All my life I have been learning how to cope with tiredness.  We all have, I guess.  You, too.

For so many years, so many pattern-making years, I have run to a variety of things to find my rest.   Some of these patterns have been nearly harmless. Many of these places and patterns have been destructive.  Or, in the least, these strategies have not been helpful or uplifting.

I have run many places... In recent years I have learned to run to God.  But, for so much time, Father's love has just been one place among the many.  ...and not usually the first-chosen place, to be sure.

I guess the questions I am asking tonight is...  why have I come here again?  What could I have done different to avoid such tiredness?

This tiredness I feel in my body tonight, this physical exhaustion... is this a must?  Did I have to get here?  I know there are choices I have made today.  There are choices I made yesterday, in fact, that have affected today!  There are choices I continue to make that push my body, my emotions and my mind beyond my God-given capacity.

Physical tiredness is an inevitable reality of this tentliving-life we live on earth, I know.  Jesus, my Savior-Brother, fell down tired after a long journey into Samaria (John 4).   He certainly knew exhaustion.  ...and was revived by "food" the disciples knew nothing about.

This is the food I need, Jesus!
Another questions I feel welling up is... and now what?  Where do I go from here?  When I am tired, where will I run?  That tiger that sits in the dark corner, those temptations, will I turn to them and invite them to pounce?  Or will I claim the freedom I have in Christ to say "no!" to them.

I can tell that crouching tiger--- my sin, my coping strategies--- to "sit" and "stay" in Jesus name, just like I can tell my dog to sit and stay.  (A big difference being that the sin-beast must submit to the Name of Jesus... and my dog doesn't always obey! smile).

Why am I here again?  What can I do next time to avoid this exhaustion?

What will I do now?  Where will I go to get the deep, soul-quenching, body renewing rest that I actually need?

...just lay down, Stephanie, and trust ---and rest in Him.  
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone!  (Psalm 62:5)

But, indeed, it is hard when I get tired.

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