"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Friday, May 21, 2010


I am so not done yet!

My roommate in college, while working as a waitress, once received a stern rebuke from a customer. While she was asking the patron if she could take her plate, she said gently, "Are you done, ma'am?" The customer, much aghast, looked at her and said harshly, "My dear, cookies and rolls are "done"... people are finished!" We, of course, laughed heartily together for days when she came home with the story. Still to this day, we will ask each other "are you finished?"

Well, regardless of whether it is proper English or not, I am not done yet!!

I am not well-cooked. I am not ready to be pulled out. I am not ripened. Not matured. Not sanctified. I am not done OR finished!

My heart's strong desire is to be perfect. God has made me with such a keen desire for this, I think it must be in my very veins. I want to be perfect. Yesterday, please.

And, I am so NOT perfect! Shocking, I know... (smile)

I do pray and ask God to wean me from this earth. All week I have been asking Him to wean me from this earth. I earnestly seek Him daily and ask to know Him more deeply. I ask, I seek, I pray and desire to be more holy. Am I all these things, yet? NO!
Is He failing to answer my prayers? No. Certainly, I am more weaned from the earth than I was 20 years ago. ...Maybe even more than I was 5 years ago. But, still, the earth, my flesh, my sin... they all cry out and tug on me. I still grope after things of this earth. I still run to things, other than God, to fill me and satisfy me.

I do know Him more deeply than I did 20 years ago. ...maybe even more than I did 5 years ago. But, I know Him so little. I truly love Him so little.

And, yes, I am walking in more holiness than I did 20 years ago. ...maybe more holiness than 5 years ago? But, I am still so full of sin. I am still drawn to darkness at times. I am still unholy and un-whole.

No, ma'am, I am not done! Simple as that.

Yet, why is this so truly difficult for me to accept? Why do I rage against it and want perfection within... expect perfection tomorrow, at the least. Today, would be great. Yesterday, please.

Trust. Is that it? Trusting God would be to completely rely on His perfection for me (on my behalf), His perfection in me and His perfecting work with me. Genuine trust would help me rest in the fact that He began the good work in me; and so, He will bring it to completion. It is His prerogative when, how, and at what speed to make me "done". It is His job to say... you are finished!

Trust. Surrender. Grace. Freedom. Forgiveness. Patience. Perseverance.

I am so not done yet!

Oh Father, Your grace is immense. Your kindness beyond measure. I trust You to complete me. I trust You to finish Your work in me, in Your time. Thank you, Lord.

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