It's pride. There isn't any question in my mind as to what keeps me from asking. It is my deep seated pride and a self-righteous, self-sufficiency that keeps me from telling others I need... I am weak and I need.
Father has kindly been re-showing me this physically with my "tennis elbow". Although asking for physical help, or outward help, is not as difficult... it isn't easy. To admit that I am in pain or to ask someone to help me "do this" or "do that" does not come naturally.
But more than showing me physically, I see my Father showing me spiritually and emotionally. I have been feeling under spiritual attack these past few weeks... the specifics aren't important. But, in each instance of this oppression, in order to find deliverance and relief, I have needed to ask for help. And, like I said, I am lame at asking.
In fact, once recently when my husband told our team-mates that I was struggling one morning, I was immediately angry at him for sharing my weakness. Anger welled up as I heard him share and ask for me. Angry? What is that about? These are our team mates, for goodness sake! We have committed to standing with each other, fighting for each other, walking this journey together. But, my immediate response was anger at my husband! Pride. Just simple, stinky pride!
And, of course, after bringing the struggle and weakness to light for my team mates, they prayed for me. They fought for me. They covered me and asked good things for my from our Father. And, I had immediate relief from any darkness. Deep joy. Deep peace. Relief.
Relief came when I asked for help. When I sought out help from my brothers and sisters, my deliverance was felt and realized.
Oh! that my pride would not get in the way of asking any more... and saying I am needy, too.