"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Lingering questions... difficult dream

My early morning dream left me afraid and heavy as I woke. Both in body, mind, and soul I seemed to carry a burden to my Father as I dragged myself out of bed. As I sipped my strong coffee and attempted to rouse my slumping self, I began to wonder what God might be prodding in my heart with this dream. It didn't feel like a dream "from Him" necessarily, as much as a dream He might want to use.

My personal experience with dreams has been that often the Lord allows dreams and uses them to bring out truths, hard truths usually, from my heart... stirring my conscious and bringing things to the surface that I might be more inclined to let lie uncovered. This dream felt like one of these night-time lessons, or a mid-night prodding.

Essentially the dream was one where something frightening was happening to my family... and in particular to my child. I was distraught in the dream. I was afraid. And, I was crying out to God for His help... and the dream didn't end well.

The early morning fear that lingered as I opened His Word took quite a while to dissipate. In the quiet of my prayer chair, I was reminded of how much I still don't trust my Father. His finger was gently pressing on the "trust" place that is still underdeveloped or sometimes tender. Do you trust me now? He whispers... Yes, Lord. I would say. Yes, Lord, I trust You, I want to say. But, with this... with this?... with the safety of my child. With the evil of this world and Your allowing it in their lives. Can I trust You to choose or allow that in my child's life. Do I trust You that much? No, Lord. I don't. I want to... but, I don't.

Questions lingered as I got up from that quiet morning time with my Father. Questions still linger.

What is it that my kind Father promises exactly? He promises to rescue and deliver? Right? He promises to be a strong tower and a refuge? He promises not to let my foot slip. In my western mind, my wealthy church mind-set, I can't help but naturally or automatically think this means (or certainly want it to mean) that He will protect me and my kids from physical harm. But, I know better. I know if you asked the other 2/3 world, my brothers and sisters in non-wealthy churches, they would have a very different perspective on what this means. Oh! I have so much to learn from these brothers.

So much to learn about trust.

This morning, after sitting in His Word and His Presence, I did walk away deeply relieved of fear and renewed in my commitment to move forward in trust. I did ask that He teach me to love Him more, to trust Him more and to see things as He sees them. But, questions still linger and a burden still sits on the edges of my heart tonight as I am reminded of that cloudy, darkened dream that woke me this morning.
Our blessed Lord reveals himself to his people more in the valleys, in the shades, in the deeps, than he does anywhere else. He has a way and an art of showing himself to his children at midnight, making the darkness light by his presence.
- Charles Spurgeon
**Interestingly, the next night after this post, I had a powerful, significant dream that showed forth God's ability, and desire, to protect His children physically. I can! my heart heard as I woke. And I do! my heart was filled with praise and hope, literally waking up singing. Ah! the learning curve ...trusting Him that He can... that He does ....even when He doesn't and chooses not to.

A song that speaks words that I long for my heart to continue to learn... Gratitude
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