I don't want to!
or, ...My way, my wants, my rights... or, This IS the right way... You're not doing it right... No, this is what I want!...
...these words become the language of my heart.
When I feel this rise within, I am often of two minds, really. One part of me longs to be like Jesus--- to walk this journey of selflessness and humility. Truly. And, in those moments, I pray. Yet, still, it seems the screaming tantrum drowns out the prayers. The childish-Stephanie rears up and like a loud gong her cries cover my heart blocking out softness and gentle tones. It truly feels like I simply cannot "win" against her--- this stamping-foot-selfish girl.
I know what I should do and yet, I do it not. (Romans 7:14-25)
She screamed at me yesterday.
There was something my husband wanted me to do. A discussion. A plan. ...and, I simply didn't want to do it. Oh! The battle raged within. Not words, but feelings--- "I don't want to!" "You can't make me!" yelled one side of me. And, this side of me won. Hands down, no contest victory.
My husband was gentle and humble of heart and he gave way. I am sorry to admit this. Deeply sorry. But, it is the truth. He walked the road of humility and offered much grace. He walked the hard road with love as his guide.
This is what the Spirit of God whispered into my heart this morning, "the language of love".
"Oh!" my heart soared this morning as a bit of Light dawned on my mind, "The answer!"
I had been asking Father to show me how I walk this road of humility. How do I take a step forward, Father? His first answer given last week was to look at His son, to follow Jesus. His second answer came today--- the language of love.
Love as the path. Love as the shoes on your feet. Love as the light shining forth your next step. Love as the trusted cushion to shield your falls. Love.
When my two children were young they threw tantrums. A young child is bound to tantrum. Mine certainly did. And, I loved them through those tantrums. But, love didn't mean "putting up with" the bad behavior---that wouldn't have been kind or helpful. No, love meant discipline, training, punishment and often a non-responsiveness that discouraged the screaming fits of my two year old babies. But, in love, we did indeed make our way through the selfish tantrums that both my children had.
So, this Lord, this is the way forward... love. Look at Jesus, follow Him AND love.
Today, I see a bit more clearly into this dark, hard road of humility. I understand one more thing: I can only walk it in Love, under Love, with Love and trusting Love. Love is the only language that will drown out the ugly cries of my childish self and sin.
Passionate Love will crush that passionate fight within---these ugly tanturms. Love will lead and release me into the beauty of humility.