"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Saturday, June 2, 2012

That wall I keep running into...

Mom, the only problem is... she says to me before going to bed.

Yep, sometimes the honesty of a thirteen year old girl says it all...  Kids do say the darnedest things!

Just last week, my sweet girl said to me, "I think God wants me to learn selflessness"

Wow, I thought, God is honing in on the same theme in both our lives...  

"That is really cool, sweet girl," I replied.

"Mom, the only problem is..."  she said with a genuine and curiously knowing smile..."that when I start thinking about being selfless, I immediately start thinking that others should be selfless, too!  And, I start to get mad because they aren't being selfless...and should be!!  They should be treating me selflessly, too!!" She threw herself back onto her pillow with slightly-mocked frustration and burst out laughing at herself.

Me, too, sweet girl!  Me, too.

We both laughed out loud at this irony.  Isn't it true, though?

God is honing in on pride in me--- pushing, prodding, and inviting me to something more beautiful, more holy  ---humility.  And, what is one of the results?  I start to see all the pride and selfishness magnified in my life.

Like a spotlight shining, I see a multitude of horribly prideful thoughts and actions in my life.  Recently, in answer to my prayers for humility, I have become keenly aware of the many prideful, selfish, and judgmental thoughts running around my tiny head!  At the same time, I also have become very aware of when others are being humble or selfless.  My senses are on high alert, it seems.  A torch light seems to be marking those humble moments brightly for me.

But, another result?... Just like my daughter, I have started to notice more acutely the pride magnified in others.  I see how they are prideful and selfish, too!  And then I begin to think, "They are so prideful!  They should be serving.  They should be humble, too!!"...and then, well, I am right back to being ridiculously prideful and self-centered once again.

Ah! The vicious cycle.  Round and round we go and I run smack dab into the wall of self.

C.S. Lewis did say, "Humility is not thinking less of your self.  It is thinking of yourself less."

The only problem is...

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